Original subtitles

Go!

(exhales) Tribute song...

Tribute song...

Tri... bute

so... ng... guh.

This shouldn't be that hard.

I mean, we spent years in the studio

with one of the best ever to do it.

I mean, granted, we weren't the ones doing it.

But I always feel I get more out of watching than doing.

There's something about doing

that makes me go, "Uh, never mind." (chuckles)

But, like, when it comes to watching,

I feel like I let it wash over me, you know?

-First things first, lyrics. -Mm.

We got to come up with the best lyric

to perfectly honor our best friend.

Or... do we start with music?

You know what I mean? A hook? A bridge?

-Like-like, all that good stuff. -That's the age-old question,

-music or lyrics? -Oh, all right,

-maybe the beat goes like... -Okay, hit me.

(beatboxing)

(gasping, coughs)

Ah. N-Never mind.

Oh, you're done?

All right, shut the fuck up then real quick.

Let me spit something.

♪ I can't believe you made me grieve ♪

♪ Here's a list of some of my pet peeves ♪

♪ When Stevie Wonder sits front row ♪

♪ When Brandon Lee died filming "The Crow" ♪

♪ My flow is disgusting like Jim Crow ♪

♪ Yuck. ♪

How's that?

Couple things.

Uh-huh?

Don't rhyme "crow" with "crow,"

never mention Jim Crow

and am I detecting an accent?

Okay. What did you write down for my first rap?

I didn't get any of that.

Plus, we're out of napkins and ink.

We need supplies.

I know this fax machine is not a necessity, but...

I mean, I'd hate to need it and not have it.

You know?

Right?

AGNES: Ronnie, is that you?

No! Shut the fuck up!

Shh, shh, shh.

Have a little bit of OCD so I like my workplace to be just so.

Yeah, I'm probably even more OCD.

If I hear the word "OCD" I have to say it.

That's crazy because if I even hear the word "OCD,"

I have to say it five times, so OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD.

OCD.

OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD.

I feel like now that I've told you this,

you're doing it on purpose.

OCD.

Why are you doing...?

OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD. Why are you doing this?

OCD.

OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD. Stop it.

OCD.

OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD.

-OCD because you said OCD! -OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD!

Because if you say it, I have to say it five times.

-OCD. -OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD! What about this don't you get?

I am in a prison right now and you have the key.

Just... (whispering): OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD.

(whispering): OCD.

-Okay, look! Look, look! -OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD, OCD.

Just... one, two, three.

BOTH: OCD, OCD, OCD.

(exhales) All right, that's lunch.

(slurping)

It's a good first day.

Great first day.

I mean, look at us.

We set up the office, we showered, we changed,

we're fueling up with some healthy food.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, it is almost 3:00.

Should we just, like, maybe, I guess, like, call it, and, like,

come back and hit this shit hard tomorrow?

Yeah. Let's call it.

Maybe we go our separate ways,

brainstorm on our own,

come back tomorrow and collaborate.

Yeah. Fresh eyes tomorrow.

Fresh eyes tomorrow.

So, the second half of yesterday wasn't as productive

as I wanted it to be.

Got away from us. It happens.

This shit is hard, but I guess anything worth doing is,

so let's really buckle down and write a song.

We do not leave this room until we crack this track.

For Lou!

Mm-hmm.

(cell phone buzzes)

That's my dad.

He wants me to go on a grocery run for him.

-I can help you with that. Extra set of hands is always nice. -Yep.

LAFONSO (laughing): That's great.

I will put you down for one home tanning center.

All right. Thank you very much.

(laughs)

Ooh, what a business. Am I right?

Oh, listen, I'm sorry to pull you boys in like this,

but Reggie bailed on me day of,

even though he's had the schedule for weeks.

There's a schedule for kids to buy you groceries?

Not if no one respects it there's not.

Okay, so Dad, just let us know

what we need to pick up from the store

because we got to get back to our song.

Don't let me hold you up. Here's the list.

You'll save time if you follow the route I highlighted in blue.

Now, if they're out of anything, there's second, third,

and fourth choices for each item.

-This is... cool. -Mm-hmm.

Hey, look at handsome Lafonso over here, huh?

Like a young Denzel Grillington.

(laughs)

Wow.

Oh, those were the days.

Man, those block parties were lit.

Last time I grilled like that was...

well, obviously, that would've been, uh,

when you guys went on the road.

Oh, right.

RONNIE: He's here now.

What better reason to throw a block party than to celebrate?

LAFONSO: Oh, I hung up my tongs

-years ago. -ALF: You heard the man.

He's retired, so...

What? He uses tongs all day long.

I know that propane fire burns deep within your heart.

Propane? You insult me.

It's charcoal if it's anything at all.

There he is.

No, there he's not. Let's go, please.

You know something? Let's do this.

(gasps)

Dad, are you sure?

Give me that binder back.

Here. (laughs)

Now that I'm cooking,

it's gonna be a horse of a whole different color.

You know, for a man who hasn't been in this store

in quite some time, this map is shockingly accurate.

He predicted they'd be mopping on aisle 12.

You know, I wish you hadn't pushed my dad into this.

He's not capable of throwing a block party.

He got winded saying the word, "block party."

Yeah, but didn't you see how happy he was when he said it?

Yeah.

I'm just worried about him, you know?

Like, he hasn't walked in... I don't know how long.

Like, longer than a human being should go

without walking by, like, a decade.

Is that your cousin?

The one that you had...

Yup.

-...sexual intercourse with? -Yes. Yes!

Ron, I was trying to interrupt you so you wouldn't say it.

Oh. I thought you were leading me down a path.

TASHA: Alfonso?

Tasha? Ah!

(exhales)

-Hey. -ALF: I didn't know you worked here.

How the heck are you?

Good. I started a couple weeks ago.

But it's just my day job, though.

My night job's cleaning a day spa.

Cool, cool.

Yeah.

Clever. Cool.

Uh, look, I'm sorry I never texted you back after...

Oh, please. You don't have to apologize.

It was...

You know, don't worry about it.

Yeah, yeah.

-Don't worry about it. -Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay.

Thanks.

What are you guys doing?

That went about as well as it possibly could've.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's cool to see cousins

who are able to stay friends after fucking each other.

Come on.

Let's get these groceries back to your pops

and then we can get back to the beat lab.

Absolute... oh, dang it.

Damn. I got these regular pork rinds.

I was supposed to get low sodium.

You know, I'm just gonna pop back in there...

real quick, maybe try and switch them out.

But you know, by the time, like, customer service gives me

the runaround for, like, the refund and everything...

Oh, well, yeah, I mean, that could take forever.

It's nothing but red tape.

We're talking a tight 45 minutes at least.

-Do we call it? -I'm okay with calling it.

-Fresh eyes tomorrow. -Fresh eyes tomorrow.

Hey, man, thank God it's Friday, right?

Mm-hmm.

So, should we get flowing?

Two steps ahead of you, baby boy.

Sweet.

Last night I got inspired.

Wrote a rap for Lou. You want to hear it?

Yeah, man.

♪ I'm-a kill that pussy ♪

♪ Eat it like Dahmer ♪

♪ Now you blowin' up my dick like you the Unabomber ♪

♪ I'm exploding on your feet ♪

♪ Richard Reid, Shoe Bomber. ♪

What exactly are you doing and do you have to do it here?

Also, "bomber" and "bomber"? Bro.

I don't think rhyming the same word twice is the problem.

Also, leave.

Man, fuck you, Dad. We can't work at our place.

There's too many distractions.

So maybe if you guys could leave the house for once,

we could work here.

Fine. I'm going to the botanical gardens.

Oh, uh, should I come along?

Uh... oh...

Ah... yeah, no, my-my-my sinuses.

That hibiscus really does a job on his sinuses.

Yeah, okay.

I'm going down to the basement

and, uh, work on my trains.

All right, Dad, I know what that means.

He gonna bomb that guest bathroom. Heh.

All right, let's fucking write.

You know, I want to get at least the second verse

and the chorus in before the weekend,

so we get that good feeling, you know?

Oh! What if the whole song was from the perspective

of a dollar bill.

I hate that.

Hey, yo.

Could we please make this a safe space for ideas?

if you're gonna shoot something down,

at least come with something better.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

I'm being negative, I know that.

It's just... Ugh, I can't get that

uncomfortable, like, interaction your parents just had

out of my head, it's making me feel, like, uncomfortable

and, like, it's fucking up my focus.

What are you talking about?

You not just see that?

They used to be all affectionate in front of us and shit,

like, hugging and kissing. Gave me my first wood.

I remember it very specifically.

All right. Gross. And who cares?

Who cares? Bruh, you should care. Trust me.

Take it from somebody who watched their parents split up.

That's exactly the shit that happened

right before that happened.

That went from romantic comedy to, like,

an unromantic non-comedy.

-Rough diagnosis, my friend. -(cell phone buzzes)

But it does seem like that takes

top priority on what we need to do right now.

You know, we got to stop this.

We need to make sure my family stays together.

Yes.

But that does sort of sound like a you thing.

Uh... so, maybe, three-day weekend?

Yeah, three-day weekend.

And I know exactly who's responsible for this bullshit.

-All right, there's a... -(running footsteps approach)

Have a nice day.

Ronnie, what are you doing here?

What the fuck, Shayna?

I leave you in charge of the family for 15 years

and this is what happens?

Mom and Dad in a sham marriage?

It's not a sham, okay?

It's not perfect, but it's an arrangement,

so just stay the hell out of it.

Things have been much better since Steve

came in the picture, believe...

Okay, shut the fuck up real quick.

Who is Steve?

Um, what? I didn't...

(chuckles) I didn't, I didn't say Steve.

-You just said Steve. -No, I didn't.

I said Jeeves.

You said Jeeves?

Yeah.

You remember that old...

-uh, that website. Yeah. -Search engine?

Ask Jeeves. Mom's been going crazy on that

-and everything's gotten better, so... -Oh, yeah, that...

You right, you right. Uh-huh.

-Okay, you can just go. -I believe you. That tracks.

It's a lovely candle wagon.

Thank you, it's the fifth one.

-Yeah? -You know, I just opened it.

Kind of my baby cart, you know?

It's the one that I kind of feel, like,

I care the most about.

It smells really nice.

It is a best seller.

$95.

That's expensive for a candle.

Well, it's-it's in demand, so...

It must be because of that triple wick. Right?

-Yeah, it stays lit for a while. -It's that triple wick action?

Goddamn it, Ronnie, you're paying for that!

-You tell me who Steve is, Shayna, right now. -There is no Steve!

Oh, this one sounds rich.

"A Walk in Winter's Connecticut."

That is a Christmas candle.

It is very expensive and hard to make.

I'll put it right back...

-Ronnie! -(candle crashes)

I'm so sorry. I'm calling security.

Now you tell me who Steve is!

He's the pharmacist Mom is sleeping with!

Whenever she says she's going for a walk

in the botanical garden, she's with Steve,

just please stop breaking stuff.

So Mommy's having an affair with the pharmacist?

Yes.

Someone should do something. I should do something.

I-I should confront her.

No, you shouldn't.

Well, someone needs to say something.

Someone needs to tell Dad that he's being a cuck.

Look.

Oh, no, Shayna,

I don't really want to buy any candles, you know.

$500.

$500 for your silence.

It's a delicate balance.

He doesn't ask 'cause he doesn't want to know,

and she doesn't tell him 'cause she doesn't want to hurt him.

Just keep quiet.

But it's so sad.

Like you give a shit. If you cared about this family,

you would've weighed in once over the last 15 years.

I mean, our lives have been not great.

Stuff has gone down. I had to get LASIK.

This day and age it seems like an inconvenience, really.

I was out of work for a day and a half.

Don't tell Mom and Dad.

Look, I don't want your money.

I won't say anything to those two specific people.

The way you're saying that makes me think

that you have some sort of weird plan.

I don't have a weird plan.

Hey, yo, Steve!

Come out and face me like a man, Steve!

He is not here! Girls, go back inside.

Girls, you stay right where the fuck you are!

-Inside! Mommy will handle this. -I want you two

to look at this image and have it burned into your skulls

the way your husband has torched my childhood.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Neither do I. I'm a little mixed up right now

because there's a-a lot going on!

And this-- I-- This fire is very hot!

Your husband is boning my mom!

Well, I told you he's not here!

-Leave us alone! -I will do no such thing!

I will stay here, right in this spot,

or maybe a little closer and further away from this fire,

until your husband returns.

I'm calling the cops.

Oh, you fucking narc!

(siren approaching)

Tell your husband to keep his nose out of my mom's ass!

♪ ♪

♪ I've been trying so hard ♪

♪ To make you see ♪

♪ That loving me, baby, ♪

♪ Is just trying to set you free ♪

♪ I can't understand ♪

♪ The reason why ♪

♪ The certain change inside of you ♪

♪ That made you want to say good-bye. ♪

LAFONSO (over comm): Grill team one. Comm check.

Grill team one. That's a good check.

Okay, boys, now you're cooking.

-Grill one. -Yes, sir?

Flip those shrimp.

-Don't keep them on there too long. -Copy that.

Grill two, get those onions chopped.

Chop them up real fine like that.

Grill three, baste those ribs.

Table two, mac and cheese spill.

-Table four needs iced tea. -Got it.

-Now, flip that burger. -Okay.

-Now that one. -You got it.

Now flip that one and that one.

Grill number one, now watch your temperature.

-It's looking good, right? -Show me that lamb.

Oh, you son of a bitch. (laughs)

-That's so impressive. -He's like a meat day trader.

-Yeah. -Hey, son.

You want to give it a spin?

Oh, no thanks, Pop.

This is, like, your thing, you know.

No, this is not my thing.

It's our thing.

One day, it's gonna be your thing.

Listen, I ain't gonna be here forever.

Don't say that, Dad!

You're gonna lose all that weight,

and you'll turn your whole life around.

I meant that I was thinking about moving to New Mexico.

You think I got a weight problem?

Yikes.

Hey, hey, hey!

Who's that I see?

Is that Lafonso and Alfonso? What's up?

Diane and Tasha, what great luck

that you should come in to see your daughter on a day

that I'm throwing my big block party.

Baby, don't tell anybody. I came here for them goddamn ribs.

(laughter)

I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm Ronnie.

You must be Aunt Diane.

I am.

Aunt to Alf,

and also mother to Tasha.

Hi, Uncle Lafonso.

Alf, you remember your cousin, huh?

-No. No. -RONNIE: Yeah, you remember.

Yeah, you remember.

No!

All right. Later, Lannisters.

Go get us a round of drinks.

I was hoping that you two could hook up

now that she's back home.

Hook up?

Ew!

Dad, hook up? Gross.

Yeah.

Ugh. Like, that's my cousin. What?

Why would I hook up with my cousin? Dad, come on.

No thanks. (laughs)

I mean, not that she's not gorgeous.

I mean, he is okay.

Oh, that booty though.

Mmm, I do love chocolate.

(Tasha chuckles)

I meant "hook up" as in "hang out."

What are you talking about?

Oh!

Yeah, I mean,

that makes more sense

'cause that-that would be the normal thing.

I was, I was putting all that on you and that's on me.

I-I was thinking what you was thinking.

Yeah.

He wasn't.

Never mind.

(indistinct chatter)

Family.

I'd like to make a toast.

Could I have everybody's attention, please?

Look, I know over the last 15 years,

some mistakes have been made, some indiscretions.

What the fuck, Ronnie?

Shayna, zip it.

But we are a family and we love each other.

And families can bounce back

from anything as long as we're honest

with each other.

Okay, cheers.

I'm not done, Shayna.

I know I've been gone for a long time.

Maybe I haven't talked to you as much as I should have.

Jesus, Ronnie, we forgive you, okay?

Yeah, Ronnie, we know you feel guilty

about being such a piece of shit,

but we'll always love you.

Cheers to Ronnie, the piece of shit!

Cheers.

I'm not talking about me.

Well, you're not being clear.

Who're you talking about?

Mom, Dad, we love you,

but your marriage has flatlined like a bitch.

I'm sorry.

Dad, wake up. Come out of the basement.

Take the trains out of your ass

and open your eyes to everything around you,

any suspicion you may have.

Mom, enough with the hibiscus.

Stop going to the botanical garden.

It's fucking your life up in more ways than one.

And probably, more positions than one as well.

Ronnie! That's enough.

Son!

It is enough.

It's enough with you two taking each other for granted.

Who knows how long you'll have each other?

My best friend just died

and I'd do anything I could to get him back, but I can't.

-Burger. -Yes, sir.

-Burger. -You got it.

-Portobello. -Coming up.

-Dog. -Gotcha, sir.

(laughs)

All right.

Reggie, you're low on Masterpiece.

REGGIE: Copy that.

Head to the pantry for some more K.C.

-This looks like a lot of work. -Worth it.

I haven't felt this alive since, uh,

since the last time I was defibrillated.

-And when was that? -Thursday.

Oh. Wow.

Yeah, well, but none of this could have happened without Alf.

He's the one who encouraged me to throw this thing

in the first place.

That boy has been to the grocery store for me,

what, 20 times?

Back and forth, forth and back.

-What, the one uptown? -Yeah.

Wow, I'm surprised he didn't see Tasha there.

You know she works there now, right?

Huh. That is weird.

'Cause he's been headed to that store all the time

for the littlest thing.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hey, Reggie, what's your 20 on that K.C.?

REGGIE: At the pantry, sir.

-Here comes the pop! -Pop, pop, suck!

(Alf screams)

Oh, no! Don't look at me!

(Alf grunting)

Oh, sweet Jesus.

DIANE: Hell no. Tasha, no!

That's your damn son.

-(awkwardly laughs) -ALF: This is not what it looks like.

-TASHA: I was getting soda. -(sighs)

The truth is, you can't hold on to people forever.

You never know when you're gonna have to let them go.

Agnes! Your psycho son here told my wife about us.

You're Steve? Not what I pictured.

Told his wife about you?

It's none of your business. W-Who the hell are you?

I'm her husband!

You said he was dead.

He was, but he's-he's back now.

You've had an affair?

I thought you knew.

If I had known, why wouldn't I say something about it?!

Because it was embarrassing

and because you're... Burt.

Well, not any longer I'm not.

I'm done.

Are you happy?!

We are a broken family now.

-Steve! -Yeah.

Whoa, hey, that's a lot of heat.

Um, look, I burned down your kids' swing set

and you fucked my mom, but, like, I think that,

like, equals everything so...

Aah! Ron!

AGNES: Just stop it!

He came to my home, Agnes.

He burned down my kids' playhouse.

It was a metaphor. Okay?

And it went right over your wife's head.

She's not the brightest fire...

(yelling)

I'm sitting here!

You got to be kidding me.

LAFONSO: Enough!

He's walking.

(wood creaking)

(guests murmuring)

Attaboy, Pop.

I look at you people out here and all I can say is...

...ribs is up! (chuckles)

I mean, I could eat.

(laughs)

Dad, this is an amazing step for you,

both, like, figuratively and, like, uh, literally, too.

Boy, you need to get right with Jesus.

♪ Oh, woman, oh, woman, why you treat me so mean? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm chillin' with my ... and I'm smokin'. ♪

So, do we get back to the song?

(sighs) Can I be honest with you?

I don't think I'm very talented as a rapper.

-I don't even like rap. -What?

I mean, sure, I liked it when my friend was doing it,

but it's not, like, my preferred genre of music.

You don't like rap?

(grunts)

-Okay, you're at the gym. -Mm-hmm.

You're looking to get some squats in,

make some heavy gains on your quads.

You want to get fired up and you put on...?

Podcast.

A podcast?

Gun to your head, you have to listen to one album

for the rest of your life. It is...?

"Garden State" soundtrack.

The fuck are you talking about, man?

All right, you're in the club.

Mm-hmm.

You meet Rihanna.

Uh-oh. (laughs)

She's feeling you.

Yup.

(laughs) She walks over and she's like,

(Jamaican accent): "Irie bumbaclot, Alf, take me home."

"Give me a jerk chicken burrito and then we do it all night."

And you say, "You got it, girl, you my Caribbean queen."

Pop that front bra off, reveal that weird tattoo

and you put on what?

"Caribbean Queen."

What?!

Yeah, man.

Billy Ocean. (smooches) Mmm!

I was using that as, like, a-a thing to describe Rihanna.

Serendipitous, bro, 'cause, like,

that's what it was gonna be, anyway.

Look, it's fine, okay?

Maybe we're just not the ones

to write Lou's tribute song.

We could perform it.

I mean, of course we could perform it.

-But maybe not write it. -We can't write it.

I dispute all those charges. I've never been to Texarkana.

-Well... -(pounding on door)

Hey, dicklicker!

Yeah, we drove all the way to the Shod, bitch.

Surprised?

No. The girl at the front desk told me you were coming.

-It's been a while. -(laughs)

Good. (chuckles) Now, listen.

We need you to supply us with the dudes

to write Lou's tribute song.

-What? -RONNIE: Your mind's blown, right?

Well, your body's gonna be blown out of that Zara European Cut,

when I tell you the rest of this idea.

We want to make a tribute track for Lou.

See, we honor Lou's legacy,

whilst making bank.

Now, we supply the sick-ass idea, okay.

All you need to supply is the producer, the studio,

A-list talent, heavy promotion.

RONNIE: Money to front all that upfront.

Uh, a Sprinter full of music video actresses for your boys.

And as far as profits go, it will be a 50-50 split.

And when I say 50-50, I mean 50 goes to Alf, 50 goes to me

and you get the satisfaction of a job well done.

So what do you think, playboy?

I actually think it's a brilliant idea.

(laughs) Yeah, baby.

Yes!

And I loved it the second I heard it...

two weeks ago from Chance and Common's representatives.

The track drops in a couple of days.

Well... do you think people really want to hear

a tribute track for Lou from two superstars?

Yeah. It's great.

I think people want to hear a tribute track for Lou

from his two best friends from grade school.

No, they don't! When Biggie died,

did everybody want to hear from his buddy, Ben?

No, they wanted to hear from Diddy.

When Princess Diana passed away,

England's rose?

Was everybody waiting for a track to drop from Dodi's mates?

No. They wanted to hear the velvet voice of Sir Elton John

sing a song that he'd sung before about Marilyn Monroe.

And I know you guys think you're gonna do the Charlie Puth thing

and I grant you he was able to sneak in

on the Paul Walker business,

but neither of you guys is Charlie Puth

and you never will be.

Nobody knows who you are and nobody cares.

If no one cares who we are, Craig,

then how come I have over one million follower--

I'm in the 980 thousands?

I've lost 20,000 followers since Lou died?

Bro...

they unverified me.

♪ I've got to get away from here somehow ♪

♪ I don't know where I'm gonna go ♪

♪ But I've gotta go now... ♪

-You're already at a rap show. -Okay.

You're in the crowd, front row, it's lit.

-Ooh, shit! -People going nuts.

A DJ comes out, right? He's, like, the opening act.

-Just getting the mood. -Yeah, he's trying to set the mood,

play all the favorites.

So, the first song that comes on is...?

Probably the rap part from the "Black and White."

The Michael Jackson song?!

-It's rap! -It is barely rap.

Macaulay Culkin kills that freaking track.

Macaulay Culkin doesn't rap that verse; that's a man's voice!

-Have you not seen that video?! -I have seen it!

It's a man's voice coming out of a child.

Yeah, that was what impressed me the most.

(screams)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0