Original subtitles

TOM: I finally got my Kinjo chef master knives,

and I'm going to take them for a spin.

Getting in game shape for the big celebration?

Wendy's leaving for boarding school?

Oh, please.

Our one-year anniversary.

When you make me the most awesome meal ever once

you see what I got you.

We're exchanging gifts?

What do you think we were going to do?

Do I need to draw you a picture?

It's our paper anniversary, Tom.

It's customary to exchange gifts made of paper.

So then the picture would qualify?

It's fun being limited to paper.

You get to be creative.

It's paper.

How important can it be?

[laughter]

Surprise!

What's this?

We thought we would join forces and get

you an anniversary present.

PHIL: Call it a gesture of acceptance of your marriage.

Reluctant acceptance, but acceptance nonetheless.

Tom.

Jessie.

Say hello to your new sauna.

Tom, you always wanted a sauna, right?

Jessie?

Well, we'll just have to break it in for you then.

PHIL: It comes with a ladle.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Can we find a way that we can be together.

Is there any way that we can be together.

And oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

The Kinjo chef master collection.

Is it sharp, you ask?

Let's ask Mr. Hardware flyer.

Ooh.

Is that what you're going to do for your wife's

anniversary gift?

Why do the presents have to be paper?

Paper has tons of options.

I once scored the heart of Tanya Lipenstein with nothing

more than an origami frog.

Of course, the sake bombs didn't hurt.

Or the fact that I told her I played

for the Chicago Blackhawks. - Yeah.

Well, Jesse doesn't like sake.

It makes her all throw-upy.

Well, there's a store on 12th that sells rare books.

You should pick her up a first edition novel of a book

that moved her as a child.

That's actually really thoughtful.

All the sake bomb fringe benefits, none of the vomit.

Up top.

You never high-five me anymore.

JESSIE: I got it, Ava.

Oh, you're in a chipper mood.

Did Tom finally crack open the Kama Sutra?

Why do you think I'm getting him

the perfect anniversary gift?

Ooh, do tell.

I'm finally going to pick up our wedding certificate

and get it framed.

Oh, touching.

And cheap.

What?

No, that frame cost me over $100,

which makes me officially broke thanks

to my architecture textbooks.

Oh.

Well, luckily, I don't have any money problems.

And here's where you ask me why not.

Why not?

Because my boyfriend's loaded.

You're still with Keith?

He's the real deal, Jess.

He's rich, kind, handsome, generous.

And unlike the last one, he doesn't

have three pit bulls, each one named after an ex-girlfriend.

Oh.

But Jasmine was so.

Cute

I really think that the kids will appreciate

us breaking this in for them.

Are we model parents or what?

Yeah.

Hey, Phil.

What's up?

Sorry.

Just breathe.

Hold me.

We are looking for "The Outsiders"

by SE Hinton, Jessie's favorite book from grade 6.

Oh.

Someone invested in a background search.

Nicely played, amigo.

We were in the same class.

That works, too. Oh, here we go.

"The Outsiders."

$300.

There's no way I can afford that.

Must be a typo.

Yep, definitely a typo.

We may need to help the decimal point back

to its rightful place.

So not cool.

Plus, the owner's watching.

Um, oh.

Well, here's an early pressing of the author's second novel

"That Was Then, This is Now."

What the hell is that?

It's $50.

That's what that is.

[whistling].

Hi.

"The Outsiders" by SE Hinton.

Uh, no.

I--

That'll be $30.

$30?

Right.

Not so fast.

Hill, Jessie.

And Bellow, Tom.

We got married exactly one year ago.

Bingo Bingo.

And by bingo, I mean, I have some very bad news.

You didn't pay the balance on this.

This certificate is invalid.

That's impossible.

Did you get the warning in the mail?

Oh, wait.

You didn't fill out the address because people

like me have tons of spare time to track you down.

OK.

Well, I'm going to need the license.

So what's it going to cost me?

$130.

You've got to be kidding.

Sorry, you're right.

I forgot to factor in the administration fee.

That brings us up to $320.

$320?

I don't have that kind of money.

What am I going to tell my husband?

Uh, what husband?

Technically, you're not married.

If we're going halfsies on this sauna thing.

How is it we're being saddled with the electricity bump?

Why don't you ask the Hills to chip in?

Nah.

Phil will just say I'm not paying for Ben's hot showers,

and then make that clicking sound with his teeth.

They might be more willing to play along if we, uh, include

them in the festivities.

Well, I think maybe it was our festivities

that scared them off.

They did get more than they bargained for, didn't they?

Mm.

Well, we got to win them back.

Otherwise we're going to get stuck with the tab.

Next time, let's not come on so strong.

Yeah.

Be less naked.

TOM: Officer, you don't understand.

I'm sorry. And mortified and terrified.

I knew the price was wrong, but I rolled with it anyway.

You certainly did.

Stupid anniversary.

Paper, right?

- How'd you know? - Been there.

Try to get my wife tickets to Coldplay,

but couldn't afford it.

So I hit up a shady scalper.

That's when I discovered Cole Hay, easy listening

icon for the over 60 set.

Sounds like one hell of an anniversary.

Tell you what.

We'll let you off this time with a warning

and a piece of advice.

You want that book?

You love that girl?

You just might have to sacrifice something.

I'm a dead woman walking.

Tom is at home right now with this awesome gift

making me a delicious meal.

And hey, did I tell you?

I still don't have a present.

Oh, and here's a fun fact.

Thanks to me, our marriage never was.

Well, how much money do you have?

Add this month's cell phone bill, factor in design lab,

carry the 10.

Oh, negative 600.

I do have a thought.

Monster Sub coupon.

Lipstick.

Bingo.

TOM: What is it?

Well, Keith works as a massage therapist

and so he gave me all these free coupons.

And by "give," I mean I rifle through stuff because I thought

he was cheating on me with his dental hygienist,

but why split hairs?

A massage coupon.

That's a pretty big step down from the framed certificate.

Well, there is always option number 2.

Two-for-one buffalo chicken week down at Monster Sub.

Tom's in luck.

Massage it is.

Yeah.

BEN: Knock, knock.

Can we talk?

Yeah.

Listen, we just want to apologize.

Not everyone is as comfortable as Ben

and I are with the bounty that God gave us.

I have to apologize for Phil.

He's really not comfortable around the naked.

Anyway, we promise we will wear bathing suits from now on.

So let's say we give it another whirl?

Swingers.

I can't believe I didn't see it.

Oh my god.

Phil, you misread the signs.

The Bellows are not swingers.

Did you see the way they were grinning at us?

Oh, they weren't grinning at us, Phil.

Just you.

Stop it.

Stop that right now.

OK, just relax.

I will prove it to you once and for all,

the Bellows are not swingers.

We'll take another visit to the sauna.

Oh, sweet Lord.

Have mercy on my soul.

Can you believe it, Jess?

A whole year of marriage already behind us.

Why don't you use one of the good knives?

I forgot them at school.

Hey, let's open your present.

You first.

Ah.

"The Outsiders."

My favorite book.

I can't believe you remembered.

First press, limited edition.

Blu-Ray not included.

Now me.

A massage coupon.

And it smells like Ava.

You've been working so hard, so you deserve it.

I like how you make me try new things.

I swear, I had something better.

But something came up and it was unexpected.

So I scrambled and I--

Jess, it's not a competition.

But if it were, I totally kicked your ass.

You're not mad?

All that counts is we're together.

Happy first anniversary, honey.

This marriage means the world.

I couldn't be happier.

To

Why are you not playing like a chick for once?

Hypothetical question.

If you traded your prized possession

to get a really expensive gift for a girl

and she gets you a coupon for a massage, what do you do?

I don't know.

I'm going to need more.

Stage of relationship, willingness to put out,

hotness factor.

It's Jessie.

Look, I got her that book and she gets me a back rub?

You know what?

You should go.

Are you saying that to distract me from the fact

that I'm kicking your ass, or because you really mean it?

Semantics.

The point is you are tense.

Ha-ha-ha.

Besides, you may luck out with a cute massage

therapist, in which case you'd be legally

entitled to flirt with her.

When you say "flirt," what does

that look like in your head?

I'm going to like you a lot more after this massage.

Hey, folks.

Help yourself to some finger sandwiches.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

They're finger sandwiches, babe.

It's not some kind of slang.

Uh, so listen, there's a reason

we invited you over here.

Let's just say it's in the spirit of sharing.

Oh my god, Phil.

I think you're right.

There's something I want to show you.

No, no, no. That's OK.

Put it away.

I don't need to see it.

What?

It's the electricity bill.

I told you they're not swingers.

What?

BEN: We're not sharing the electricity bill.

We're not paying for Ben's hot showers.

This is for Tom and Jesse.

All right. All right.

Come on, you guys.

Just settle down.

You know what?

Let's just take it inside, OK?

TARA: OK.

Come on, hun.

So even though I canceled the frame,

you won't return my deposit?

You don't understand, I need that money so I can

get my marriage license back.

Hello?

[sigh]

[MUSIC - CATHERINE MACLELLAN, "CHURCH BELL BLUES"]

It was all going too easy.

Yeah, I should have known better.

Never thought I'd have to face up to the hard truth.

Cold as a stone, knocked me from my throne.

JESSIE: Adios, textbooks.

All my life, it was given to me.

Should have known it was too easy.

If you look at the green consumption bar, it--

whoa-- This all made a lot more sense a half hour ago.

Whatever it is, dude.

I'm. sure we're fine with it.

Just forget about it.

Ben takes way too long in the shower anyway.

The bottle clearly says wash, rinse, and repeat.

[laughter]

You know what would be perfect right now?

A mimosa.

I can't believe I'm not married.

I can't believe you sold your textbooks.

I can get through the rest of the term

photocopying and borrowing.

You're making yourself crazy over this.

You already said Tom was fine with it.

Which is why more than ever I have to get

him the gift he deserves.

A gilt-framed souvenir of our love.

Is that gilt as in gold or guilt as in guilt?

Next, please.

I have the money, $320.

Fantastic.

That will be six to eight weeks for delivery.

Cute massage therapist, my ass.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

Great.

Let's get this show started.

Face down, please.

Oh.

Pumpernickel.

That's my safe word, too.

What the hell?

[knocking]

OFFICER: Police!

This is a raid.

[interposing voices]

Paper anniversary, huh?

Hey, the cheap stuff's good enough for mimosas, right?

If alcohol helps you forget, could

you, uh, whip me up one, too? - What's wrong?

Nothing.

Except I gave the wrong address to City Hall,

my check bounced, and I have this mosquito

bite in an awkward place, but that's

probably too much information.

Could you repeat the first part again?

I screwed up the application.

Tom and I are technically not married.

Well, this may be the sauna talking,

but it's just a piece of paper, Jess.

Things will work themselves out. - No.

It's more than that.

It's us.

It's our lives.

It's everything.

And here we are, our first anniversary,

and it's all a house of cards.

Do I need to remind you that under Jewish law,

my marriage to Judith was considered

invalid for 25 years?

I forgot about that.

The synagogue refused to recognize our relationship

because of my reluctance to undergo

a ceremonial circumcision.

And now, I wish I hadn't remembered.

I had to have a needle stabbed into my--

Got it.

Now, the point is, I got over it.

Life goes on, Jess.

You'll be fine.

Sure.

In eight weeks.

Don't tell, Tom, please.

[dialing]

[phone ringing]

JESSIE (ON PHONE): Hello?

Where did you get the coupon?

It was from Ava.

It was either that or buffalo chicken.

Well, I'm being charged with engaging

in a prohibitive activity, or prohibitive engaging.

I don't know what it's called, but I need $300.

Where are you?

I'm at the courthouse.

You need to get here right now?

JESSIE (ON PHONE): $300?

Yeah.

I'm coming.

Shoot.

[laughter]

It's hard to believe it's been a year since the kids got

married, huh? - Yeah.

Imagine what life would have been

like if it had never happened.

We'd never have become family.

Or never have the sauna.

At first, I wasn't sure.

But now I've really come to enjoy this sauna.

Funny how this sauna has come to mean

so much in so little time.

Yeah.

Such a simple thing can make you so happy.

And because of a stupid dare.

You've grown awfully quiet.

What's wrong?

We're, uh, short on champagne.

I'll make a run.

I swear to God, my wife is going to come--

[phone ringing]

--and she will explain everything.

Sure thing, paper chase.

Hello?

OK, sweetie.

Sure, I can.

Uh, eggs, cream of mushroom soup, batteries.

Yeah.

Can you hold on?

All right, paper mate.

I'm taking this call.

But I want your massaged ass to stay put.

You got that?

Hi, sweetie.

Dad.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, what do you think?

I can't believe she told you.

Jessie did the right thing, son.

I'm here to fix this mess.

So you're not upset?

Nonsense.

Been there myself.

You have?

Son, for 25 years, I went down that road.

So many secrets, so many lies.

It's amazing the trouble a man can get

into on account of his pecker.

Good lord.

Does mom know?

Of course, she does.

She's the reason I went down that road in the first place.

I can't believe you're telling me this.

Well, believe it, son.

I got tired of living the lie just like you.

But hey, maybe the sauna will loosen our inhibitions,

bring us closer.

Ew.

Hey, you promised you wouldn't tell him.

Jessie, you know about Dad, too?

BEN: He knows, Jessie.

Knows what?

Yeah, knows what?

Dad.

Jessie.

This is Constable Bailey.

Judge Bellow.

How'd you get a judge so fast?

Could someone please tell me what

it is I'm supposed to know?

That you and I are not married.

I knew it.

What are you talking about?

Tom, I love you more than anything.

And I wanted to get you the perfect gift, but I screwed up.

Our marriage is invalid.

You mean was invalid.

I got in touch with some old friends who

helped fast track this mess.

So up until now, we were never married?

Uh.

The point is, we're married again.

Happy paper anniversary, sweetie?

See that, Constable?

Everything's fine.

So what was your son doing in a gay massage parlor?

They were just-- who said what now?

TOM: So.

Goodbye first press copy of "The Outsiders."

Adios, Kinjo knives.

Sayonara, college books.

Hey, dignity, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Who cares about all that stuff?

What counts is we have each other.

And this.

Of course, it would look better

in that frame I never bought.

Yeah.

And if I had my knives back, I'd actually have a future.

There is one thing we could sell.

[music playing]

Life is better when we're together.

Sweet lord, how I'll miss her.

We all will, Phil.

There was hardly time to enjoy it for the kids.

Damn shame.

Hot tub for the cotton anniversary?

Done.

[music playing]

It's a fantasy.

Show us the Kinjo knife trick again.

Hey, I'm sorry you had to find out

about Keith's extracurricular activities this way.

Yeah.

How'd the breakup go?

Oh, we're not breaking up.

She's perfect.

He cooks.

He cleans.

He loves chick flicks.

Plus, we even get to borrow each other's cloths.

Whatever works.

Well, I guess not all unions are as

perfect as you two lovebirds.

I know.

[MUSIC - MINNUTES, "MORE TO LUV"]

Today, I woke up and I found more to love.

Today, I woke up, and I found more.

More, more, more.

Today, I woke up, and I found more to love of you.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0