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1
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,208
TOM: I finally got my
Kinjo chef master knives,
2
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:08,709
and I'm going to
take them for a spin.
3
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,112
Getting in game shape
for the big celebration?
4
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,380
Wendy's leaving
for boarding school?
5
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:13,281
Oh, please.
6
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:15,049
Our one-year anniversary.
7
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,251
When you make me the most
awesome meal ever once
8
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,352
you see what I got you.
9
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,587
We're exchanging gifts?
10
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,921
What do you think
we were going to do?
11
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,490
Do I need to
draw you a picture?
12
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,292
It's our paper
anniversary, Tom.
13
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,794
It's customary to exchange
gifts made of paper.
14
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:28,796
So then the picture
would qualify?
15
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,164
It's fun being
limited to paper.
16
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,399
You get to be creative.
17
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,300
It's paper.
18
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,501
How important can it be?
19
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:37,938
[laughter]
20
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:38,839
Surprise!
21
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,610
What's this?
22
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,178
We thought we would
join forces and get
23
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,779
you an anniversary present.
24
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,116
PHIL: Call it a gesture of
acceptance of your marriage.
25
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,151
Reluctant acceptance,
but acceptance nonetheless.
26
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,051
Tom.
27
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:51,952
Jessie.
28
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,922
Say hello to your new sauna.
29
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,525
Tom, you always
wanted a sauna, right?
30
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,460
Jessie?
31
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,696
Well, we'll just have to
break it in for you then.
32
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,169
PHIL: It comes with a ladle.
33
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,442
[theme music]
34
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,745
THEME SONG: Can we find a
way that we can be together.
35
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:23,217
Is there any way that
we can be together.
36
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:26,687
And oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?
37
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,689
Yes, I do.
38
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,191
Yes, I do.
39
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,660
Yes, I do.
40
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,662
Yes, I do.
41
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,371
The Kinjo chef
master collection.
42
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,738
Is it sharp, you ask?
43
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:48,542
Let's ask Mr. Hardware flyer.
44
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:49,743
Ooh.
45
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,111
Is that what you're
going to do for your wife's
46
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,180
anniversary gift?
47
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,581
Why do the presents
have to be paper?
48
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,883
Paper has tons of options.
49
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,452
I once scored the heart of
Tanya Lipenstein with nothing
50
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,888
more than an origami frog.
51
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,691
Of course, the sake
bombs didn't hurt.
52
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:04,892
Or the fact that I
told her I played
53
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:06,294
for the Chicago Blackhawks.
- Yeah.
54
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:07,628
Well, Jesse doesn't like sake.
55
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,197
It makes her all throw-upy.
56
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:12,633
Well, there's a store on
12th that sells rare books.
57
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,469
You should pick her up a
first edition novel of a book
58
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:16,904
that moved her as a child.
59
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:19,006
That's actually
really thoughtful.
60
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:22,176
All the sake bomb fringe
benefits, none of the vomit.
61
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:23,076
Up top.
62
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:29,183
You never high-five me anymore.
63
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:30,083
JESSIE: I got it, Ava.
64
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,619
Oh, you're in a chipper mood.
65
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,654
Did Tom finally crack
open the Kama Sutra?
66
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:34,788
Why do you think
I'm getting him
67
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,490
the perfect anniversary gift?
68
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:37,825
Ooh, do tell.
69
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,160
I'm finally going to pick
up our wedding certificate
70
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,929
and get it framed.
71
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,432
Oh, touching.
72
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:45,366
And cheap.
73
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:46,300
What?
74
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,202
No, that frame
cost me over $100,
75
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,870
which makes me
officially broke thanks
76
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,038
to my architecture textbooks.
77
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,172
Oh.
78
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:56,410
Well, luckily, I don't
have any money problems.
79
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,711
And here's where
you ask me why not.
80
00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:58,612
Why not?
81
00:02:58,712 --> 00:02:59,680
Because my boyfriend's loaded.
82
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:00,781
You're still with Keith?
83
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,450
He's the real deal, Jess.
84
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:06,354
He's rich, kind,
handsome, generous.
85
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:07,755
And unlike the last
one, he doesn't
86
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,358
have three pit bulls, each one
named after an ex-girlfriend.
87
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,259
Oh.
88
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,460
But Jasmine was so.
89
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,729
Cute
90
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:17,665
I really think that
the kids will appreciate
91
00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:19,667
us breaking this in for them.
92
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,602
Are we model parents or what?
93
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,503
Yeah.
94
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,642
Hey, Phil.
95
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,478
What's up?
96
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:31,379
Sorry.
97
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,517
Just breathe.
98
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:37,418
Hold me.
99
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,523
We are looking
for "The Outsiders"
100
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,826
by SE Hinton, Jessie's
favorite book from grade 6.
101
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:46,894
Oh.
102
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:49,196
Someone invested in
a background search.
103
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,465
Nicely played, amigo.
104
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,302
We were in the same class.
105
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,537
That works, too.
Oh, here we go.
106
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:57,871
"The Outsiders."
107
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:02,510
$300.
108
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:03,944
There's no way I
can afford that.
109
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,245
Must be a typo.
110
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,847
Yep, definitely a typo.
111
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:10,284
We may need to help
the decimal point back
112
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,553
to its rightful place.
113
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,688
So not cool.
114
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,324
Plus, the owner's watching.
115
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:18,058
Um, oh.
116
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,461
Well, here's an early pressing
of the author's second novel
117
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,530
"That Was Then, This is Now."
118
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:25,666
What the hell is that?
119
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,867
It's $50.
120
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:27,768
That's what that is.
121
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,074
[whistling].
122
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:39,380
Hi.
123
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:45,753
"The Outsiders" by SE Hinton.
124
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:46,654
Uh, no.
125
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:47,555
I--
126
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:48,456
That'll be $30.
127
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:51,825
$30?
128
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:52,726
Right.
129
00:04:58,932 --> 00:04:59,733
Not so fast.
130
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:03,904
Hill, Jessie.
131
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,172
And Bellow, Tom.
132
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:07,107
We got married
exactly one year ago.
133
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,241
Bingo Bingo.
134
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:12,279
And by bingo, I mean, I
have some very bad news.
135
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:13,514
You didn't pay the
balance on this.
136
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,048
This certificate is invalid.
137
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,083
That's impossible.
138
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,385
Did you get the
warning in the mail?
139
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:18,519
Oh, wait.
140
00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,354
You didn't fill out the
address because people
141
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:22,590
like me have tons of spare
time to track you down.
142
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:23,591
OK.
143
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:24,858
Well, I'm going to
need the license.
144
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,395
So what's it going to cost me?
145
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:28,596
$130.
146
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:29,730
You've got to be kidding.
147
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,831
Sorry, you're right.
148
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,101
I forgot to factor in
the administration fee.
149
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,537
That brings us up to $320.
150
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:37,738
$320?
151
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,407
I don't have that kind of money.
152
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:40,774
What am I going to
tell my husband?
153
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,042
Uh, what husband?
154
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,110
Technically, you're not married.
155
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,452
If we're going halfsies
on this sauna thing.
156
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:54,555
How is it we're being saddled
with the electricity bump?
157
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,056
Why don't you ask
the Hills to chip in?
158
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,391
Nah.
159
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,859
Phil will just say I'm not
paying for Ben's hot showers,
160
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,429
and then make that clicking
sound with his teeth.
161
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:04,998
They might be more willing to
play along if we, uh, include
162
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,435
them in the festivities.
163
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,037
Well, I think maybe
it was our festivities
164
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:11,371
that scared them off.
165
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,641
They did get more than they
bargained for, didn't they?
166
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:14,542
Mm.
167
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,209
Well, we got to win them back.
168
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,945
Otherwise we're going to
get stuck with the tab.
169
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,213
Next time, let's
not come on so strong.
170
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,114
Yeah.
171
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:22,149
Be less naked.
172
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,620
TOM: Officer, you
don't understand.
173
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,458
I'm sorry.
And mortified and terrified.
174
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:34,595
I knew the price was wrong,
but I rolled with it anyway.
175
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,497
You certainly did.
176
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,099
Stupid anniversary.
177
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,701
Paper, right?
178
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,102
- How'd you know?
- Been there.
179
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,604
Try to get my wife
tickets to Coldplay,
180
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:44,872
but couldn't afford it.
181
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:47,107
So I hit up a shady scalper.
182
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,743
That's when I discovered
Cole Hay, easy listening
183
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,879
icon for the over 60 set.
184
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,748
Sounds like one hell
of an anniversary.
185
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:55,916
Tell you what.
186
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,285
We'll let you off this
time with a warning
187
00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,020
and a piece of advice.
188
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,388
You want that book?
189
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,223
You love that girl?
190
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:05,225
You just might have to
sacrifice something.
191
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,103
I'm a dead woman walking.
192
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,271
Tom is at home right now
with this awesome gift
193
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,740
making me a delicious meal.
194
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,575
And hey, did I tell you?
195
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,310
I still don't have a present.
196
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:24,978
Oh, and here's a fun fact.
197
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,681
Thanks to me, our
marriage never was.
198
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,249
Well, how much
money do you have?
199
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:32,786
Add this month's cell phone
bill, factor in design lab,
200
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,187
carry the 10.
201
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,725
Oh, negative 600.
202
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,627
I do have a thought.
203
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:40,928
Monster Sub coupon.
204
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:41,962
Lipstick.
205
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,931
Bingo.
206
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,065
TOM: What is it?
207
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,267
Well, Keith works
as a massage therapist
208
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,170
and so he gave me all
these free coupons.
209
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:52,740
And by "give," I mean I rifle
through stuff because I thought
210
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,508
he was cheating on me
with his dental hygienist,
211
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,209
but why split hairs?
212
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,578
A massage coupon.
213
00:07:57,678 --> 00:08:00,848
That's a pretty big step down
from the framed certificate.
214
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:04,184
Well, there is
always option number 2.
215
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:08,155
Two-for-one buffalo chicken
week down at Monster Sub.
216
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,322
Tom's in luck.
217
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,223
Massage it is.
218
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,425
Yeah.
219
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:13,694
BEN: Knock, knock.
220
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:14,895
Can we talk?
221
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:15,829
Yeah.
222
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,130
Listen, we just
want to apologize.
223
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,599
Not everyone is as
comfortable as Ben
224
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:22,269
and I are with the
bounty that God gave us.
225
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,337
I have to apologize for Phil.
226
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,674
He's really not comfortable
around the naked.
227
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:30,310
Anyway, we promise we will
wear bathing suits from now on.
228
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,746
So let's say we
give it another whirl?
229
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:37,484
Swingers.
230
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:40,621
I can't believe I didn't see it.
231
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:41,521
Oh my god.
232
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,290
Phil, you misread the signs.
233
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,525
The Bellows are not swingers.
234
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,160
Did you see the way
they were grinning at us?
235
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,362
Oh, they weren't
grinning at us, Phil.
236
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:50,363
Just you.
237
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,264
Stop it.
238
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,499
Stop that right now.
239
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,667
OK, just relax.
240
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,302
I will prove it to
you once and for all,
241
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:58,238
the Bellows are not swingers.
242
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,307
We'll take another
visit to the sauna.
243
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:01,909
Oh, sweet Lord.
244
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,978
Have mercy on my soul.
245
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,079
Can you believe it, Jess?
246
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:09,449
A whole year of marriage
already behind us.
247
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,919
Why don't you use
one of the good knives?
248
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,787
I forgot them at school.
249
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:17,024
Hey, let's open your present.
250
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:17,925
You first.
251
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:24,665
Ah.
252
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,466
"The Outsiders."
253
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,635
My favorite book.
254
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,102
I can't believe you remembered.
255
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,038
First press, limited edition.
256
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,239
Blu-Ray not included.
257
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:37,678
Now me.
258
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,684
A massage coupon.
259
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,152
And it smells like Ava.
260
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:50,290
You've been working so
hard, so you deserve it.
261
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:53,861
I like how you make
me try new things.
262
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,162
I swear, I had
something better.
263
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,430
But something came up
and it was unexpected.
264
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:58,565
So I scrambled and I--
265
00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,968
Jess, it's not a competition.
266
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,336
But if it were, I
totally kicked your ass.
267
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,371
You're not mad?
268
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,274
All that counts
is we're together.
269
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:08,608
Happy first anniversary, honey.
270
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,578
This marriage means the world.
271
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,146
I couldn't be happier.
272
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:26,559
To
273
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,429
Why are you not playing
like a chick for once?
274
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,231
Hypothetical question.
275
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,066
If you traded your
prized possession
276
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,435
to get a really
expensive gift for a girl
277
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,905
and she gets you a coupon for
a massage, what do you do?
278
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:38,806
I don't know.
279
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:39,973
I'm going to need more.
280
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,943
Stage of relationship,
willingness to put out,
281
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,411
hotness factor.
282
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:45,713
It's Jessie.
283
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,749
Look, I got her that book
and she gets me a back rub?
284
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,289
You know what?
285
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,825
You should go.
286
00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:59,492
Are you saying that to
distract me from the fact
287
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:01,461
that I'm kicking your ass, or
because you really mean it?
288
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:02,362
Semantics.
289
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,264
The point is you are tense.
290
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,165
Ha-ha-ha.
291
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,904
Besides, you may luck
out with a cute massage
292
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,806
therapist, in which
case you'd be legally
293
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,007
entitled to flirt with her.
294
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,408
When you say
"flirt," what does
295
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,676
that look like in your head?
296
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:27,120
I'm going to like you a
lot more after this massage.
297
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,789
Hey, folks.
298
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,891
Help yourself to some
finger sandwiches.
299
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,926
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
300
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,394
They're finger
sandwiches, babe.
301
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,529
It's not some kind of slang.
302
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,165
Uh, so listen,
there's a reason
303
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:39,800
we invited you over here.
304
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:43,971
Let's just say it's in
the spirit of sharing.
305
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:44,972
Oh my god, Phil.
306
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,039
I think you're right.
307
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:46,974
There's something
I want to show you.
308
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:47,775
No, no, no.
That's OK.
309
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:48,675
Put it away.
310
00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:49,642
I don't need to see it.
311
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:50,543
What?
312
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,079
It's the electricity bill.
313
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:53,781
I told you they're not swingers.
314
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:54,915
What?
315
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,516
BEN: We're not sharing
the electricity bill.
316
00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:59,219
We're not paying for
Ben's hot showers.
317
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,187
This is for Tom and Jesse.
318
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,188
All right.
All right.
319
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,089
Come on, you guys.
320
00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:03,056
Just settle down.
321
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:03,957
You know what?
322
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,059
Let's just take it inside, OK?
323
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,460
TARA: OK.
324
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,496
Come on, hun.
325
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:11,531
So even though I
canceled the frame,
326
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:14,701
you won't return my deposit?
327
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:17,270
You don't understand, I
need that money so I can
328
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:20,707
get my marriage license back.
329
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:23,443
Hello?
330
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:24,878
[sigh]
331
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,579
[MUSIC - CATHERINE MACLELLAN,
"CHURCH BELL BLUES"]
332
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:27,848
It was all going too easy.
333
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,818
Yeah, I should
have known better.
334
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:37,290
Never thought I'd have to
face up to the hard truth.
335
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:41,628
Cold as a stone, knocked
me from my throne.
336
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:42,996
JESSIE: Adios, textbooks.
337
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,065
All my life, it was given to me.
338
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,467
Should have known
it was too easy.
339
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:55,308
If you look at the green
consumption bar, it--
340
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:58,311
whoa-- This all made a lot
more sense a half hour ago.
341
00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,312
Whatever it is, dude.
342
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:00,881
I'm. sure we're fine with it.
343
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,250
Just forget about it.
344
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:06,854
Ben takes way too long
in the shower anyway.
345
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:10,323
The bottle clearly says
wash, rinse, and repeat.
346
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:13,026
[laughter]
347
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,628
You know what would
be perfect right now?
348
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:16,529
A mimosa.
349
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,770
I can't believe
I'm not married.
350
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,605
I can't believe you
sold your textbooks.
351
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:26,940
I can get through
the rest of the term
352
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,608
photocopying and borrowing.
353
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:30,143
You're making yourself
crazy over this.
354
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,611
You already said Tom
was fine with it.
355
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:33,680
Which is why more
than ever I have to get
356
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,448
him the gift he deserves.
357
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:37,918
A gilt-framed
souvenir of our love.
358
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:42,155
Is that gilt as in gold
or guilt as in guilt?
359
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,925
Next, please.
360
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:48,461
I have the money, $320.
361
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:49,629
Fantastic.
362
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:52,966
That will be six to
eight weeks for delivery.
363
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:05,678
Cute massage
therapist, my ass.
364
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:06,779
Excuse me?
365
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:07,847
Nothing.
366
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:08,748
Great.
367
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,183
Let's get this show started.
368
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,084
Face down, please.
369
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:22,762
Oh.
370
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,236
Pumpernickel.
371
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:30,270
That's my safe word, too.
372
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,504
What the hell?
373
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:32,472
[knocking]
374
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:33,440
OFFICER: Police!
375
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,842
This is a raid.
376
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:48,255
[interposing voices]
377
00:14:48,355 --> 00:14:49,156
Paper anniversary, huh?
378
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,600
Hey, the cheap stuff's good
enough for mimosas, right?
379
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,202
If alcohol helps
you forget, could
380
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,837
you, uh, whip me up one, too?
- What's wrong?
381
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,406
Nothing.
382
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,308
Except I gave the wrong
address to City Hall,
383
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,310
my check bounced, and
I have this mosquito
384
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,512
bite in an awkward
place, but that's
385
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,481
probably too much information.
386
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,149
Could you repeat
the first part again?
387
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,951
I screwed up the application.
388
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:21,821
Tom and I are
technically not married.
389
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,362
Well, this may be
the sauna talking,
390
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:32,065
but it's just a
piece of paper, Jess.
391
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,666
Things will work themselves out.
- No.
392
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,567
It's more than that.
393
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:35,868
It's us.
394
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,170
It's our lives.
395
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,838
It's everything.
396
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:43,010
And here we are, our
first anniversary,
397
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:47,447
and it's all a house of cards.
398
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:49,582
Do I need to remind you
that under Jewish law,
399
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,318
my marriage to
Judith was considered
400
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,453
invalid for 25 years?
401
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,754
I forgot about that.
402
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,923
The synagogue refused to
recognize our relationship
403
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,191
because of my
reluctance to undergo
404
00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,926
a ceremonial circumcision.
405
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:01,995
And now, I wish I
hadn't remembered.
406
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,763
I had to have a
needle stabbed into my--
407
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:04,664
Got it.
408
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:09,669
Now, the point
is, I got over it.
409
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:11,171
Life goes on, Jess.
410
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,072
You'll be fine.
411
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:12,972
Sure.
412
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,608
In eight weeks.
413
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,310
Don't tell, Tom, please.
414
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,684
[dialing]
415
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:29,089
[phone ringing]
416
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:30,057
JESSIE (ON PHONE): Hello?
417
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,924
Where did you get the coupon?
418
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,026
It was from Ava.
419
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:34,694
It was either that
or buffalo chicken.
420
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:36,796
Well, I'm being
charged with engaging
421
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:39,699
in a prohibitive activity,
or prohibitive engaging.
422
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,669
I don't know what it's
called, but I need $300.
423
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:43,736
Where are you?
424
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:44,871
I'm at the courthouse.
425
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,406
You need to get here right now?
426
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,307
JESSIE (ON PHONE): $300?
427
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:48,641
Yeah.
428
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:49,542
I'm coming.
429
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:55,848
Shoot.
430
00:16:55,948 --> 00:17:03,656
[laughter]
431
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,925
It's hard to believe it's
been a year since the kids got
432
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,427
married, huh?
- Yeah.
433
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,595
Imagine what life
would have been
434
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,363
like if it had never happened.
435
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,765
We'd never have become family.
436
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,001
Or never have the sauna.
437
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,836
At first, I wasn't sure.
438
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:22,242
But now I've really come
to enjoy this sauna.
439
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:26,479
Funny how this
sauna has come to mean
440
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,548
so much in so little time.
441
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:29,649
Yeah.
442
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,518
Such a simple thing
can make you so happy.
443
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:32,652
And because of a stupid dare.
444
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,358
You've grown awfully quiet.
445
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:39,259
What's wrong?
446
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,796
We're, uh, short on champagne.
447
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:44,797
I'll make a run.
448
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:49,702
I swear to God, my
wife is going to come--
449
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:50,670
[phone ringing]
450
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:51,638
--and she will
explain everything.
451
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,840
Sure thing, paper chase.
452
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,343
Hello?
453
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,145
OK, sweetie.
454
00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,279
Sure, I can.
455
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:02,449
Uh, eggs, cream of
mushroom soup, batteries.
456
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:03,350
Yeah.
457
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,785
Can you hold on?
458
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:06,686
All right, paper mate.
459
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:07,987
I'm taking this call.
460
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,456
But I want your massaged
ass to stay put.
461
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:10,357
You got that?
462
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:14,894
Hi, sweetie.
463
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:15,795
Dad.
464
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:17,797
Hey, what are you doing here?
465
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,299
Well, what do you think?
466
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:20,967
I can't believe she told you.
467
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:22,402
Jessie did the
right thing, son.
468
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,804
I'm here to fix this mess.
469
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:26,773
So you're not upset?
470
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:28,040
Nonsense.
471
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,509
Been there myself.
472
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,077
You have?
473
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:33,980
Son, for 25 years,
I went down that road.
474
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,948
So many secrets, so many lies.
475
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,317
It's amazing the
trouble a man can get
476
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,718
into on account of his pecker.
477
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:39,619
Good lord.
478
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:40,587
Does mom know?
479
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:41,954
Of course, she does.
480
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,756
She's the reason I went down
that road in the first place.
481
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,124
I can't believe
you're telling me this.
482
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,893
Well, believe it, son.
483
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:49,962
I got tired of living
the lie just like you.
484
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,765
But hey, maybe the sauna
will loosen our inhibitions,
485
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:53,800
bring us closer.
486
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:54,867
Ew.
487
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,537
Hey, you promised
you wouldn't tell him.
488
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,739
Jessie, you know
about Dad, too?
489
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:00,673
BEN: He knows, Jessie.
490
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:01,574
Knows what?
491
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:02,809
Yeah, knows what?
492
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:03,710
Dad.
493
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:04,611
Jessie.
494
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:05,645
This is Constable Bailey.
495
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,347
Judge Bellow.
496
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,015
How'd you get a judge so fast?
497
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,250
Could someone
please tell me what
498
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:11,451
it is I'm supposed to know?
499
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,453
That you and I
are not married.
500
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,021
I knew it.
501
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:16,155
What are you talking about?
502
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,325
Tom, I love you
more than anything.
503
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:22,729
And I wanted to get you the
perfect gift, but I screwed up.
504
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,531
Our marriage is invalid.
505
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:26,065
You mean was invalid.
506
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,700
I got in touch with
some old friends who
507
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,069
helped fast track this mess.
508
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:34,374
So up until now, we
were never married?
509
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,342
Uh.
510
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:38,245
The point is, we're
married again.
511
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,247
Happy paper
anniversary, sweetie?
512
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,414
See that, Constable?
513
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,649
Everything's fine.
514
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:45,017
So what was your son doing
in a gay massage parlor?
515
00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:46,986
They were just--
who said what now?
516
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:56,829
TOM: So.
517
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:59,566
Goodbye first press
copy of "The Outsiders."
518
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,468
Adios, Kinjo knives.
519
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,803
Sayonara, college books.
520
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:08,375
Hey, dignity, don't let the
door hit you on the way out.
521
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:09,976
Who cares about
all that stuff?
522
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,644
What counts is
we have each other.
523
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:16,783
And this.
524
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,285
Of course, it
would look better
525
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,286
in that frame I never bought.
526
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,620
Yeah.
527
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,489
And if I had my knives back,
I'd actually have a future.
528
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:26,526
There is one
thing we could sell.
529
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:33,766
[music playing]
530
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:40,573
Life is better when
we're together.
531
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,409
Sweet lord, how I'll miss her.
532
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:43,643
We all will, Phil.
533
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,912
There was hardly time
to enjoy it for the kids.
534
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:46,879
Damn shame.
535
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,351
Hot tub for the
cotton anniversary?
536
00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:54,287
Done.
537
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:56,222
[music playing]
538
00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,658
It's a fantasy.
539
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,134
Show us the Kinjo
knife trick again.
540
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:09,369
Hey, I'm sorry
you had to find out
541
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,571
about Keith's extracurricular
activities this way.
542
00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:12,472
Yeah.
543
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:13,906
How'd the breakup go?
544
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:17,143
Oh, we're not breaking up.
545
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:18,177
She's perfect.
546
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,078
He cooks.
547
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:19,979
He cleans.
548
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:21,348
He loves chick flicks.
549
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:24,016
Plus, we even get to
borrow each other's cloths.
550
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:25,318
Whatever works.
551
00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:26,953
Well, I guess not
all unions are as
552
00:21:27,053 --> 00:21:30,823
perfect as you two lovebirds.
553
00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:32,525
I know.
554
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,727
[MUSIC - MINNUTES, "MORE TO
LUV"]
555
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:39,566
Today, I woke up and
I found more to love.
556
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:44,170
Today, I woke up,
and I found more.
557
00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:45,372
More, more, more.
558
00:21:45,472 --> 00:21:50,810
Today, I woke up, and I
found more to love of you.
559
00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:55,410
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