Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

Stealing food?

Like you aren't?

Anything good?

Mm, hm.

[whistling]

Is that--

Dad?

It's tax time.

I volunteered last time.

He made you cry last time, but I had to finish.

Well, that was merely a ploy to get out of it

and you know it.

Fifty bucks if you volunteer.

Cash up front.

Ah, ha, just the two people I wanted to see.

It's tax time.

Daddy, I'll help you this year.

BEN: Oh, great.

Father daughter week will be--

But you should know I just started my period.

Monica, sweetheart, you shouldn't interrupt me,

because what I was going to say is

that father daughter week will be next year,

because this year I choose Tom.

Would you believe me if I said I too was on my period.

BEN: Yes, I would.

But you can still file at the same time.

Come on, let's do this thing.

Hey.

[theme music playing]

THEME MUSIC: Can't we find a way to be together?

Is there any way we can be together?

And oh, by the way, baby, 18 are we.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

How could I not known Vinnie was cheating on me.

I mean his name was Vinnie.

I can't believe I sacrificed my virginity to him.

Um-- did we just enter a gap in the space time continuum?

I mean my relationship virginity, Jessie.

And now I'm just a relationship divorcee.

Tell me what I can do.

My body is craving a warm, pressurized squeeze.

A hug?

Is that what that is?

Oh, come here.

We you're so lucky to have a guy like Tom.

He's totally the kind of guy that

would be cool with this favor.

What favor?

You know the rules.

6:00 AM sharp.

It's 11:30.

Have you been sitting here waiting

for me for 5 and 1/2 hours?

We can role quitting time forward.

OK, so to review, the files proceed from golden rod

to crimson, magenta, chocolate, blanched almond, olive, sage,

salmon.

What time's lunch?

Come on, Tom. Focus in here.

Huh.

Something tells me this could be the year

we see this through together.

[music playing]

Hey, that's sage! Sage!

Sage!

Isn't it obvious?

On behalf of sage enthusiasts everywhere, I'm going to say,

no, it's all olive.

Your kitchen expertise is obviously not helping

you here, mister, if anywhere.

Are we here to organize your taxes or pick me apart?

The beauty of my system is we can do both.

And, hey, would it hurt you to wear a real shirt?

This is a real shirt.

With buttons on it.

10 minutes in and you're already judging me.

I'm a judge.

That's literally what I do.

OK, look, let's start again.

This is not just about taxes, Tom.

Admittedly, mostly, it is.

Yes.

But a little father son bonding never hurt anyone.

Tell that to Jesus.

OK.

I wanted to save this as a surprise, but voila.

Two tickets to the Wilmot father son golf tourney, which will be

graced by golf god Jack Daley.

Jay.

I know.

Huh.

I don't want to compare him to Hitler,

but Mussolini's bald, so--

For what it's worth, I think it'd be pretty

cool to work for a judge.

I'm delighted to hear you say that,

because I'm in a position to make all your dreams come true.

I meant a sexy, lady judge, not your dad.

But it would be perfect.

You'd act as a buffer, and maybe even make it go faster.

I'm still kind of married to the whole idea

of a sexy lady judge.

My dad knows sexy lady judges.

And I'll pay fifty bucks.

Sold.

Oh, hey, Phil, mind doing gutters today?

Oh, I'd love to, baby, but first I

need a little Phil time.

Oh, Phil, would you mind helping me with these potatoes?

Sure.

Thanks.

They were on sale.

You're a prince.

Hey, Judith, how did you get him to do that?

I mean, I couldn't get him out of his lounger

if it was on fire.

I guess it's harder to say no to your neighbor

than it is to your wife.

You don't mind, do you?

It's tax time.

And I am one husband down.

Ben does your taxes too?

Mm, hm.

Wow.

I really am getting the short end of the stick here.

Let me make it up to you.

How about I lend you a juicer or a Wendy?

Yeah, I'm good.

Wait a minute, maybe there is something

that you could do for me.

Oh, I have had the kind of day only hot wild sex will cure.

I'm not in the mood.

And you're not Jessie.

You're wearing sweats.

They're not sweats.

They're activity pants.

If that activity is sweating.

Hey, baby.

Ava just broke up with Vinnie and she's pretty upset.

Upset that it's over or upset because she

was dating a guy named Vinnie?

You know I can hear you, right?

I told her she could spend the night.

I hope the couch is comfortable--

for me.

Oh, I know exactly what will make you feel better.

Ice cream and a Nora Ephron movie with a rock band chaser.

You know what would really make me feel better?

Cutting off Vinnie's man root.

Did that get weird?

She seems to be totally losing it.

Yeah.

I can't wait till we together again.

No, it's true.

I seriously miss you.

I know, but you looked hot today.

Who are you talking to?

No one. Why?

What did you hear?

AVA: Just enough.

What up, white boy?

Just because you're carrying a basketball

does not mean you're black.

Says you, racist.

I'm just here to shoot hoops, yo.

Except we're not going to play ball today.

Your orientation with my dad starts right now.

What? Not cool.

Hey, Dad, great news.

Carter has offered to help out with the taxes this year.

Carter?

Who once got his genitals stuck in our mailbox Carter?

It was a dare.

He doesn't know the filing system,

let alone possess any acceptable social skills.

Which is why he's here today--

to prep for the real work tomorrow.

All right, Carter, fine, park your ball outside and let's go.

Stay away from my mailbox.

[music playing]

JESSIE: Are we walking cliches?

Oh, I couldn't walk right now.

AVA: Besides, ice cream is classic for a reason.

Thanks for letting me vent.

We've got to have each other's back.

Some guys are evil.

Anything with a penis is evil, well, except Lady Gaga.

We'll make you forget all about Vinnie.

Never forget about him, that cheating, secret phone calling,

guilty gift giving, son of--

TOM: Good evening, ladies.

Whenever I'm feeling crappy, I'm all about the caramel corn.

And I got fluffy pillows from downstairs

for you lounging comfort.

I'll be hiding over here if you need anything.

Every man alive reminds me of Vinnie.

Except Tom.

Except Tom.

BEN: Ah, Tom.

Right on time.

And by right on time, I mean an hour late.

Sorry, traffic.

As I was saying, if you split the magenta into two sub-files,

then it would be easier to differentiate between

personal and family expenses.

That's--

That's crazy, Carter.

I mean, Dad's been using this system for years.

And I've been considering sub-file for just as many, Tom.

It adds the advantage of creating instant duplicates

for property taxes.

You're absolutely right.

Absolutely freaking me out.

Let's do this.

Yeah.

This is the salamander file, right?

Tom, you get the coffee.

I think we're going to need it.

You almost ready, hon?

Those skater boys won't know what hit them.

Ladies and gentlemen, the hottest

chick this side of Brangelina, it's Ava Turner.

I'm not ready to face the world yet.

Besides Shark Week started and I don't

have cable at my apartment.

So I'm going to have to stay a little longer.

I'll just run that by Tom.

Really?

You're going to let some guy make

all your decisions for you.

What am I saying?

Of course, you can stay.

Good.

So what are you making me for breakfast?

And every time it rains, your gutters overflow

and wash away my petunias seedlings.

So you want me to clean out my gutters?

They're forecasting rain.

I'll get the ladder.

You drove him out of his own office?

You are masterful, Carter Boyd. - I'm an amateur.

But your dad--

I know, I'm going to get the 50 bucks to you

in small, manageable payments.

No, no, I meant, Ben is awesome.

Did you know that he could blow bubbles out of his eyes?

Ben, awesome, these words were not designed

to be in the same sentence.

Ah, coffee, fantastico.

Here you go.

Who's that for?

I'm still here, Dad.

Well, if you want.

But it turns out Carter is like having three of you.

It's a good thing you're here, bud.

There's nothing greater than a father's praise.

It's like a warm hug.

With this kind of backup, it is clear that I could

once again finish without you.

He's like the son I never had.

What am I?

Well, we are the son I had.

Right?

[music playing]

TOM: Sorry I snuck out so early.

But I woke up and Ava was staring at me

and I got freaked out.

I woke up to find my Teddy bear with a knife

through his crotch.

With Ave moving in and Carter high-jacking my dad,

I've got nowhere to go.

JESSIE (ON PHONE): But you hate tax time with your dad.

Yeah, I hate it, but it's something

we always did together.

Come on, Tom, does this look like it belongs in a file

for long distance travel expenses slash corporate taxes?

Huh? What are you?

Six?

I'm seven.

No excuse.

You're making too much of this.

Just show up and pitch in.

That seems way too direct.

You can't screw it up.

He's your dad.

But what am I going to do about Ava.

I suggest something sneaky and manipulative.

I'll call Monica right now.

Ah, Australia.

How could I lose Australia?

An entire continent.

I thought you guys were working.

BEN: Oh, yeah, we were.

We took a break.

And now Carter is giving me a run for my money

in the Americas.

Oh, sounds like a great time to restart filing.

I'm good to go. - Oh, good.

Good.

BEN: We made it OK.

If you jump in now, it would give us time

to work on Carter's golf swing.

Golf swing?

Yeah, Ben's take me to that golf thing.

You mean the father son golf thing?

That's the one.

And now you don't have to go.

Yeah.

I need your help.

I don't move bodies unless you agree

to pay for the dry cleaning.

The body's alive and it belongs to Ava.

Your slutty friend?

She's not slutty.

But, yeah.

She has a bad case of my boyfriend cheated on me blues,

and she's making our apartment smell like sadness.

Well, she's never going to get over the breakup

while she's at your place.

That's like curing a tooth ache with Skittles.

What does that mean?

You and my brother are nauseatingly sweet.

Ava needs a little relationship schadenfreude

to mend her broken heart.

Pretend Tom and I are in trouble?

That's gross.

I can dream, can't I?

[music playing]

Now that I've given up men, I have

a lot of free time on my hands.

I think I may take up a hobby like knitting or lesbians.

Yeah, lets dog ear this convo and pick it up

again later, because I have to get to the library.

Fine.

I'll just stay here.

Alone.

Drinking this crappy tea.

Vinnie is not all man.

You're better than this.

Look, it's your favorite, ruby red,

the shade preferred by hookers and drag queens alike.

OK.

Argh.

Point taken, but ew.

Oh, god, this was worse than the tea.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Vinnie is all men.

What do you mean?

Tom?

The last few months have been unbearable.

I don't even know who he is any more.

I knew it.

Give me the deets.

Thanks, Phil.

I'd hate to trip on a loose flagstone, break my neck,

and be forced to sue you.

Yeah, I can see how that could keep someone who visits

us so frequently up at night.

I really appreciate it.

Hey, Tara.

You're doing a great job, babe.

CARTER: Tiger Woods, he's my favorite.

BEN: Go back.

Pull it back.

Left hand straight.

CARTER: Straight.

And I hit the ball.

All right.

[music playing]

(SINGING) If we do it right, it'll all get done.

Because we're sure to impress.

When good is good but great it best because I

feel it from the inside out.

JUDITH: Sweetheart, you're still here?

What other choice do I have?

No, I mean compared to other years.

You're still here.

Usually you bail on him before the case.

Oh, do you want to adopt Carter, too?

Honey, if you want to spend time with your dad,

you should go.

I have that opportunity every year.

I just never take it.

Well, whose fault is that?

[music playing]

Phil, no, wait.

Hey, hey, what are you doing with my panicum vergatum?

Cutting them down.

I figured it was just a matter of time

before Judith asked me to anyway.

No, she wouldn't do--

I also cut down your climbing vines there.

The leaves were dropping all over my front lawn.

Our morning glory?

I never asked you to touch--

Trying to get a jump on my chores, you know.

Did you really think I wouldn't figure this out.

Should have just borrowed your juicer.

That's a spiffy shirt, Tom.

Oh, thanks.

Trying something new.

Maybe you should too.

Something or someone?

Love to stay and chat but I got to run.

Where?

Is this an interrogation?

Jessie suspects, you know.

That you completely lost it?

That I understand.

I got to go.

You were one of the good ones, Tom.

Who are you?

And where are you going dressed like that?

I am my father's son.

And I'm going to golf my ass off to prove it.

Oh, also, I'm cheating husband.

Or so Ava seems to think.

Yes.

I pretended we were fighting to make Ava feel better.

The worse our relationship gets, the sooner she'll be gone.

Out of my way, woman.

My life is my own business.

That's good.

That's good.

And when I get back, I'm going to want sex,

you redheaded freak.

OK, that's just offensive and will only lead to a real fight.

Oh. Sorry.

Love you.

[music playing]

JESSIE: Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Am I not doing this right?

Oh?

Tom.

It's not good.

Oh.

Hey, Ava, men right?

But it's Tom.

You guys were my last hope, the only way I could keep on going.

We'll work through it.

No, you won't.

No.

OK.

There's something I should--

I can't stay here and watch you guys self-destruct.

Will you help me pack?

If you're sure you're ready.

[music playing]

So sink this hole, we win, Carter.

Kings of the course.

Now if you were to shag it--

I'd get splinters.

I know.

What?

No.

No, it means we loose to those jerks, the Sandersons.

I hate this Sandersons.

Well, let's send them home in tears, shall we?

[music playing]

Should have taken bus.

Not so fast.

What are you doing here?

I should be asking that floozie you're playing

golf with the same question.

Ladies and gentlemen, this man is an imposter.

I am the true son of Benjamin Franklin Bellow.

[crowd murmurs]

Son, you get me kicked out of my country club,

I am kicking you out of the house.

OK?

Yeah, Dad really wants to win, Tom.

So do I, fake son, so do I.

We'll let the real son take the last shot.

OK.

Here we go.

[music playing]

Take your time.

[music playing]

[crowd laughs]

And there we go.

Hm?

It's close.

Uh, uh.

Hey, Judith, do me a favor and water our lawn

when you get a chance, OK?

Mm, hm.

Ahem.

[music playing]

[laughing]

I'm sorry, Dad.

You do know you are truly terrible at golf.

But not, as it turned out, at filing.

I'm impressed.

And even with the new system, everything's

in order and a day early.

I've honestly I never felt more secure going into tax season.

Well, maybe next year we can count Carter out of it.

I think that would be best.

He can still be my golfer nerd.

I had no idea he was that into it.

I paid him 50 bucks.

Well, is that everything here?

Yeah.

Fantastic.

[phone dialing]

Carter, the files are a complete disaster.

Can you sneak over here at the dead of night.

I told you.

There are no sexy lady judges.

I'm so glad Ava bought that whole cheating act.

And all the fake flirting was a serious turn on--

So you pretended your relationship was in the dumps

just so I'd get off my ass and get over myself?

And you help her?

I love you guys.

Ooh.

Sorry.

I guess there's still some residual anger.

[music playing]

Well, where were we?

Stop undressing me with you're eyes, woman.

Then get over here.

[theme music playing]

(SINGING) You want love, but you fear it.

Your attention it shifted.

But you still got the feeling with the simple dismissing.

Whatcha going to do?

Deceiving, it ain't you.

Believe it.

Because our love ain't easy.

It changes the seasons.

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