Original subtitles

CARTER: Seriously, you don't want to miss this!

Seven kegs, two dozen boxes of Roman candles,

one human slingshot.

We are talking about the kegger of the century here.

Stop taunting us, Carter.

We want to go!

But, we promised our folks we'd

go on one final camping trip.

The stars are aligned, my friends.

Check it out.

Your campsite is here, Twig Wilderness Park.

The party is at Garland Point, the northern tip.

It's like a two, three beer walk, tops.

Why are you only looking at her, not me?

'Cause she makes all the decisions.

That is not true.

OK, quick, what are you wearing?

Cargo pants, and my I'm with stupid t-shirt.

Oh, no, sweetie, we agreed that

t-shirt's wildly inaccurate, and plaid

goes better with your jeans.

So Jessie makes a few decisions.

We like it that way.

And who made that decision?

PHIL: I still can't believe you guys are coming along.

Camping used to be our favorite family

activity until--

Until what?

You got lost, someone died, you had to eat them.

We've all been there.

I think it's best if we concentrate on maintaining

a small perimeter, and interact with nature as little

as possible.

Well, if that's your idea of camping,

then maybe we should just stay home.

Ben already put a deposit on the camper.

Camper?

This is supposed to be about roughing it.

It's just a small upgrade.

[horn honks]

[ben laughs]

Oh, whoa.

BEN: Nature, here we come.

You can't expect me to carpool with this.

Watch.

You tuck your car inside, Phil.

What do you think, honey?

It's a fortress on wheels.

Perfect.

Wow.

Hey, Jess.

So, how many veggie burgers does Tom want for the weekend?

I am right here.

Three for Tom, one for me.

OK, thanks.

Are you at least in charge of the condiments?

[THEME - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND DOLLY, "YES I DO"]

THEME SONG: Can't we find a way that we could be together?

Is there any way that we could be together?

And, oh, by the way, baby, tell me you love me.

Yes, I do, yes, I do, yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

[cheerful music]

Hey there, who wants a Campaccino?

Huh?

For heaven's sakes, Ben.

We're not savages.

Nope.

Well, you can't get away from it all

if you take it all with you, Judith.

Well, we find life's little luxuries are magnified

in the great outdoors.

Life's little annoyances, too.

Yeah.

I heard that, Phil.

Oh, china.

Oh.

You know what Carter said about you

making all the decisions?

Not all.

85, 90%.

Well, I say for the rest of this trip, we trade.

But I love when we play to our strengths,

and decision making hasn't always been yours, no offense.

[sputters]

So how's the campfire coffee there, Phil?

PHIL: Ha!

I say we ditch this place and go find the kegger.

I stand corrected.

TOM: By the time we get back, they'll be getting along great.

Yeah, or they'll have killed each other.

Well, at least it'll be quieter.

And we'll be getting back with a brand new skill set.

You, with an easy-going, go with the flow attitude.

And a straightforward sense of confidence and leadership

for you. - Yeah.

[laughs]

[animal calls]

OK I'm not trying to take over here,

but I do think you should have this.

You realize by handing me that compass, you're taking over.

But--

Sorry.

Well, give--

But, of course I'm gonna need the compass

if I'm going to take over.

Oh.

Give up already?

Jessie's the only one who likes campfire coffee.

Or, maybe that's why she bailed.

I don't know why we're even here

now that the kids are gone.

You can't really blame them for wanting

to have a romantic night away from their parents.

I should have never done this again, especially

after what happened last--

Judith!

Did you not promise if I rented you

the biggest RV on the market that you would

never bring that up again?

What happened the last time?

Let's just say nature lost.

What gets me is, this is probably our last family trip.

The kids won't be living in your attic forever.

Oh, don't overestimate Tom.

All right, I say we make the best of this.

Come on, Judith, how about a hike?

Get some fresh air?

What do you say?

Let's just turn up the AC.

Not an option.

Come on, get up.

Come on.

Come on.

Look, this is a lost cause.

Oh, got it!

Good work, Jess.

All right, let's get going.

Wait.

Magnetic north is no longer fixed.

Well, that's OK, we're not going north.

Yeah, we are.

And given that moss grows on the north side of trees,

it's that way.

So you're in charge again.

No.

I'm not.

I broke the compass, I'm just trying to fix what I broke.

It's OK.

Old habits are hard to break, although ours, technically,

aren't even that old.

That's north.

[jessie sighs]

Oh, the bog ate my shoes.

CARTER: Come on, the kegger awaits.

Ah, nothing beats a veggie dog blackened over an open fire.

When did blackened become the new burned?

Nature unplugged offers its own kind of high.

You just don't get it.

You have to be high to get charred tofu, Phil.

Come with me.

I think you'll find nature plugged

in has its own unique mystique.

I can't leave my dogs unattended.

They've ignited every time.

Unattended would be an improvement.

Come on.

Yeah.

That is ridiculous.

Why don't you just use a stick?

I thought you'd want the sticks preserved

in their natural habitat.

And RV's should stay in theirs.

Packed like sardines on the freeway.

The motor-home is excessive for a wilderness park,

I grant you, but I wanted to put a buffer between us and nature.

Oh, my God.

Why would anyone want a buffer from a sight like that?

JUDITH: Oh, no.

[MUSIC - LEWIS LAMEDICA, "LET'S BLOW IT ALL"] Hey,

little honey, I've got--

See, Phil, the turning speed simulates the flavor

profile of a campfire.

And the meat simulates heaven.

[whistles]

Yeah I know.

This baby's a little extreme for the bush, isn't it?

I wanted Judith to relax, and the six

speaker sound system, and ice maker, and Wolf range

didn't hurt.

She deserves it after what happened last time.

And what the hell happened?

Let's just say nothing that won't

be forgotten after a new and successful camping

sojourn, hmm?

[glasses clink]

Hmm.

TARA: Judith, come on.

You can't run away from this forever.

Run?

No, power walk, maybe.

OK, just stop, stop, please.

What happened last time you went camping?

[judith sighs]

OK, it was, um, five years ago.

The whole family came, even Monica.

Monica Monica?

Yeah, we knew if we left her alone again,

she'd try to sell the house.

Anyway, um, this gorgeous deer wandered into the camp.

Walked right up to us.

Even ate berries from Ben's hand.

Well, that sounds magical.

It was.

Until this heavy metal cooler Ben had hoisted in a tree

to bear proof the camp site crashed down on its head.

Oh, my God.

Dead?

Oh.

The whole family was traumatized.

Tom was bawling.

Monica didn't even laugh at him.

That is horrible.

That poor animal.

It haunted me for years.

I haven't been able to watch "Bambi" or "Reindeer Games"

since.

"Bambi" I understand.

The "Reindeer Games" didn't have any animals in it.

No, I know, it's just a horrible movie.

What's in a tofu dog, anyway?

Flies.

Whereas here, we have cow.

And sheep, goats, raccoons.

Deer.

Probably.

No, no, no, no, no, by your campfire, a deer.

Look.

My God, look at him.

I gotta get a picture of this.

Just enjoy the moment, dude.

A picture won't do it any justice.

Come on, help me find my camera.

It's around here somewhere.

OK.

Judith, you have to know that what happened

to that deer was an accident.

You don't understand.

The Bellows kill nature.

First time we went camping, Ben ran over a possum.

OK, that's not a big deal.

He was jogging.

He literally ran over it.

Then there was the time I hammered a tent

peg into a groundhog burrow.

Uh-huh.

It was like the "Passion of the Christ", but with fur.

No, we're cursed.

Cursed to be nature killers.

[playful music]

TOM: How you doing back there?

JESSIE: What I'm lacking in footwear I'm making

up for in total surrender.

I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.

Yeah, you know, I've never felt so focused.

I think I finally have a sense of direction.

Good, because I could really get used to this freedom.

Yeah, I could get used to this power.

I feel so leaderly.

Um, Tom?

Yeah, It's a real word, Jess.

I just decided.

Bang.

Speaking of bang, I don't want to second guess you,

but I think this is some kind of sign.

[gunshot rings]

Oh, what do we do now?

Run!

[chuckles]

Found it.

Perfect. Come on.

Get a picture of this thing before it takes off.

All right, relax, he's not going anywhere.

He's into the two dozen veggie dogs I left by the--

[grunt] [thud]

What was that sound?

It sounded like a groan, but louder.

PHIL: Oh, maybe it was a--

Oh, crap.

The Bellow curse lives on.

You still want me to take that picture?

[camera shutter clicks]

Judith cannot see this deer.

[groans]

I knew those veggie dogs were killers.

Oh, who knows what did this beast in.

Tofu dogs, deer flies, low socioeconomic status.

How do we explain the missing tent?

I'll tell Tara it blew away, and then you

can bunk in our RV.

If we don't keep this thing under wraps,

next thing we'll have is bears.

OK.

[groans]

This should be far enough.

[pants]

Oh, crap.

Here, take that.

Electronic monitoring bracelet?

No way, dude, these things chafe.

It's a tracking device.

The last thing we need is a park ranger down our backs.

Then we'd have to kill him, too.

Hey, look, run into the woods as far as you can and toss it.

Can you handle that?

- Does a bear crap in the woods? - Good man.

No, I mean it.

I'd hate to run into a crapping bear.

OK, too soon to joke.

I get it.

JESSIE: I think that's far enough.

I almost got us killed.

It's OK.

It was your first shot, Tom.

Bad choice of words.

Point is, great leaders learn from their mistakes.

JFK, Winston Churchill, Napoleon!

Napoleon's a flavor of ice cream.

Actually, it's three flavors, and it's Neapolitan, but--

Great leaders take responsibility,

and then they move on.

If they can find their way in the woods, that is.

Don't worry about it.

Follow me.

Two words, indoor plumbing.

Let's hope the door's unlocked.

Nice work, chief.

I cannot believe people treat the forest as their own

personal garbage dump.

And I can't believe people throw S&M parties up here.

We Bellow's may be nature killers,

but we draw the line at littering.

How about drawing the line at air conditioning

the entire planet? - No!

[sighs]

Please tell me we're not locked out.

Oh!

Damn.

I will officially follow you anywhere.

Well, I'll take the blame for almost getting us killed,

but I get the credit for this one.

Clean feet in exchange for almost getting shot?

Totally worth it.

Well, these feet aren't going to re-dirty themselves.

Let's hit that kegger!

After you.

[door rattles]

[groans]

Nice going.

Nice going.

I'm sorry.

It's OK, I'm sure Ben has the key.

Oh.

- Hey. - Hey.

Welcome back. How was the walk?

Magical.

Horrifying.

We saw a deer right up there on the top of the hill.

Antlers?

Yeah, you saw the same one?

Wasn't it magnificent?

And heavy.

Ben?

Do you have the key?

Yep.

Phil?

What happened to our tent?

JESSIE: Do you have anything else?

My dad's spare key to the RV.

Try picking the lock with that.

You can't pick a lock with another key.

That's just trying to unlock a door with the wrong key.

See.

[tom sighs]

[rock music]

Do you hear something?

The kegger.

I hate Carter.

A gustnado?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Must have taken the tent in one fell swoop.

You know, in fact, there's some debate as to

whether or not a gustnado is not actually a mini tornado.

Of course, it could also have been a bear.

Bear.

Somebody always has to say bear.

PHIL: It's nice up here.

JESSIE: I wonder who put bars on these windows.

I wonder who will find our bodies.

I wonder who will go first.

Well, if it's me, I give you permission

to eat my cold, dead flesh.

Thanks.

I think.

And if you go first?

You don't want me to eat you because you blame me for this.

No, no, it's not your fault. I just,

I want to leave a tidy corpse.

I'm sorry if I'm too bossy.

You're not bossy.

You know what you like, you chase after it,

and then, you kill it with a stick.

Yeah, and then I bring it home and I share it with you.

We work the way we are.

I miss wimpy Tom.

I miss bossy Jessie.

Although, I don't miss being called wimpy Tom.

[laughs]

I hope the kids are having fun.

I hope they're dead.

Or at least out of hand sanitizer.

This was supposed to be a family camping trip, not

a bad episode of Survivor. - Ben!

There wasn't a bad episode of Survivor.

I'm sorry, you know, I guess I'm feeling a little hurt.

They dropped us like a hot potato.

I'm sorry Ben didn't let us smash the window.

I'm sorry that you guys won't stop talking.

Just look at all those stars.

I feel so insignificant.

I love being part of the bigger picture.

Well, stars last the millennia,

and we're gone in the blink of an eye.

Yeah, screw the stars, I miss the kids.

Once they're gone, what have we got?

Indigestion?

I rest my case.

[gentle music]

JESSIE: It's morning.

Now what do we do?

We've got to get to that vent.

[tom groans] - Come on, Tom.

Who was the queen of sixth-grade gymnastics?

That rope won't even hold you.

Team work.

[tom groans]

Oh, oh.

[jessie yells]

I'm falling!

The handle broke.

[energetic music]

[jessie gasps]

[tom laughs]

[jessie laughs]

Whoa!

Oh, God.

It is so beautiful out here.

Fresh air, trees, the tent!

Oh, yeah, underneath the bushes.

Right there.

No, no, no, that couldn't be, couldn't be.

The wind was too strong.

- I think it's probably-- - What?

Ben?

[laughs nervously]

Judith?

There's no easy way to say this.

Phil killed a deer.

What?

It wasn't me, per se.

It ate one too many veggie dogs.

[judith sighs]

We killed another one.

No, honey, technically, you could

hang this on the entire vegetarian movement.

It is a compelling argument for going back to meat.

- Don't. - I have to see it.

What?

No, no, honey. - Judith, Judith.

Honey, it's all maggoty, and--

[judith scoffs]

I can't believe you killed a deer.

OK.

What I don't get is, why did you wrap it in our tent?

'Cause I didn't want Judith to see the body,

given our history.

You mean the curse?

Are you sure you want to do this?

I have to face the fear.

It's gone.

You see, it's our differences that make us work.

We are like salt and pepper, my dad's

tacos and anti-acid tablets.

I get it.

We are who we are, and even though the rest of the world

doesn't value my ability to follow blindly,

you do, and that's what counts.

I've been here before.

I think this is where my dad killed the deer.

Your dad killed a deer?

I've never told you that story before?

Oh, I definitely have to tell you that story.

It really helps explain my mom, a lot.

Tom, look!

I remember that.

I carved it on our last camping trip.

It must have been about five years ago, before we hooked up.

That was a very good decision.

More like a pathetic wish.

Which came true, which means you

got the ball rolling on this, and us, and everything.

[jessie giggles]

It's as if it got up and walked away.

Like some sort of Jesus deer.

PARK RANGER: Good morning, folks.

I've been tracking a tranquilized deer,

and my system says he's bunked right here with you folks.

[tara gasps]

TARA: Oh, my God.

You say you shot it with a tranquilizer?

Overpopulation relocation program.

This place is lousy with deer.

Hey, I found this yesterday.

Yeah, miles and miles from here.

Yeah, an entirely different part of the park.

Over where the Satanists are having the kegger for Satan.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Sorry to bother you.

No problem.

Bye.

[everyone laughs]

BEN: Shh.

Shh.

Well, if this is life without kids, it sure as hell

won't be boring.

Maybe we'll survive after all, huh?

Oh, amen to that.

MAN: Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

I guess the kegger is still happening.

Probably just a couple of hardcore partiers,

and random naked guy.

MAN: Woo-hoo!

We should go.

Good decision.

[lively music]

Let me guess, you guys ran into Satanists?

Something like that.

Hey, um, muchacho, do you happen

to have the spare RV key?

We've been locked out all night.

Oh, my God.

Mom, are you OK?

I am.

But you can cook lunch, and dinner.

You should make--

Tofu dogs. Coming right up.

Stick with grilled cheese.

Long story.

So was it a romantic night after all?

It was the most romantic night ever.

And a strangely satisfying morning.

Should we go back for him?

After lunch.

Tom?

Jessie!

OK, OK, I, I'm sorry for what I said.

You guys work so well together.

Oh, come on!

I have to pee.

[MUSIC - SWEET THING, "KITE FIGHT"]

(SINGING) They say you to fight through the night.

Ooh.

They say you like to fight, let's go outside.

Ooh.

Da-da-da-, da-da-da, da-da-da-, da-da-da,

da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da,

da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0