Original subtitles

[car honking]

Whoa.

You can't put that in there.

Sure I can. See?

Look.

Fits.

Garbage and recycling are two solitudes, bromigo.

That's why they're different colors.

You realize you're the only person

left on the planet who still cares about this crap, huh?

Actually, there's millions of us.

Just no one you golf with.

What took so long back there?

I go to use the bathroom, but I leave my coffee

on the back of the toilet.

Then, another guy comes in.

So I had to wait for him to leave

so I can get my coffee back.

See?

I'm calling the coffee a write-off at that point.

We're very different people.

Whoa.

Home pregnancy tests.

Oh, man.

That's gross.

Says the guy drinking toilet coffee.

This is positive.

You don't think--

- Jessie's pregnant. - No.

No. No.

I mean, we use condoms.

And our condoms wear condoms.

And those condoms, they're on the pill.

It was in Phil's garbage, so it's probably Tara's.

Whatever you say, Daddio.

Jess, you would not believe what I found.

JESSIE: [vomiting].

Jess?

JESSIE: Just a second.

Are you--

JESSIE: [coughing].

Oh, god.

You are.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Can we find a way that we can be together?

Is there any way that we can be together?

And oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

[baby crying]

TOM: Are you sure you're OK?

I think I ate a bad fish taco.

Are there good fish tacos?

Ugh.

Oh, seriously, Tom.

I'm fine.

Really?

Because you seem a bit moody. - I just puked.

What do you want me to do, grab a guitar

and sing a John Mayer song?

Ugh.

No, then we'd both be nauseous.

It's weird though, because I'm hungry.

Do we have any toaster strudel?

Oh.

No, wait.

I'm nauseous again.

[vomiting]

Oh.

Oh, come on, Ben.

That's your new mower?

We talked about this last week.

We agreed you'd get a push mower.

Uh, no, Phil.

I think you agreed I'd buy a push mower.

I went inside and told Judith you smelled like a bouillon

cube, then we laughed.

Do you know how much oil that thing sucks?

Yes.

Oil good men died for.

If I bought a push mower, it'd be

like spitting in their faces.

Ben, there's such a thing as the carbon footprint.

Oh, for the love of god.

Easy.

Easy.

Phil, this isn't a right wing/left wing thing.

The battle's over and we lost.

- We? - We?

Yeah, we.

You and me.

Ban plastic bags.

We all buy these giant reusable bags

and always forget them when we go to the grocery store.

Yeah, but--

And then buy new ones, right?

Yeah.

But we also--

Compact fluorescent bulbs leak mercury into the soil.

And oh, every 5 days, we add 1 million people to this planet.

Think about that, 1 million people every 5 days.

Pretty soon, we're going to be stampeding over each other

just to get the scraps.

So why don't you just relax and enjoy yourself?

I think you broke him.

BEN: Good.

Cross that off my bucket list.

[engine starting]

Monica, glad you're here.

Can you keep a secret?

Clearly, you haven't been paying attention

for the past 18 years.

Let's pretend you're somebody else's sister.

One with a heart.

I just need five seconds.

[sigh]. Go.

I found a pregnancy test by the--

Time's up.

There is no way that was five seconds.

And yet, you've intrigued me.

I think Jessie's pregnant.

Boy, you two are determined to drive your life straight

into a brick wall, aren't you?

Yes.

Well, see?

Freaking out here.

I'm not ready to be a father.

And I want to know why Jessie is keeping this from me.

A woman needs to feel in control

and secure about her choices.

She needs to do things on her own timetable.

Let her call the shots.

That's good advice.

I read it on a Tampax box.

So who's the dad?

Would you stop joking around, OK?

A baby is a big deal, right?

What if mom finds out?

Hm.

OK, I'm out.

Oh, um, can you do me a solid?

I can't deal with this.

Dispose of the evidence for me?

Sure, Tom.

I'd love to manhandle the pee stick you found in the garbage.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Jules.

Half price? I'm there.

Any woman tries to buy them, stab her in the forehead

with a heel, OK?

JESSIE: Can you keep a secret?

I can't even keep my lunch down.

Yeah.

In retrospect, we really shouldn't have eaten

fish tacos from a slushy van.

So what's the secret?

Monica is pregnant.

Monica?

Oh my god.

Does Judith know?

I don't think so.

She's going to be a grandmother before me?

And I knew about it before her?

Oh, this is fabulous.

I can't wait to lord this over her.

What?

No.

No lording, whatever lording is.

You have to promise.

In fact, forget I was even here. - You are no fun.

What are you reading?

I was thinking of getting one of these big flat-panel TVs.

Those things are total energy hogs.

Ah.

What does it matter?

Are you OK?

- I was talking to Ben earlier. - Oh.

And he really laid some stuff on the line

about where the world is heading.

I hate to admit it, but it made a lot of sense.

Oh, please.

You think a 56-inch would fit on the south wall?

[scoff].

[baby crying]

And to think, I finally had this marriage

thing under control.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

And now, Jessie's pregnant.

I am not ready to have a kid.

I'm not even ready to babysit a kid.

We start now and we might as well

just pick out matching grave plots and be done with it.

Wow.

I see why she can't wait to share this miracle with you.

Right.

Here's Jess with this life-changing news

and all I can do is think about myself.

Then again, Jessie hasn't exactly been forthcoming.

She's protecting me.

No, I can-- I can be supportive.

Be I can get behind this.

Great Great.

Tell her that.

But I'm not supposed to know.

So show her.

This is your chance to become one

of those unrealistic characters from an uplifting movie.

How?

I don't know.

I'm only going to have kids when I'm 60.

Isn't that a bit old?

No, my wife will be 18.

Yeah.

If Jess and I have a girl, you're never coming over.

Understood.

I got to admit, she handles nice.

What'd I tell you.

That cup holder is a nice touch, huh?

Mom?

I can't find grandpa's death certificate.

It's on the same shelf as the wedding album, sweetie.

Is she making a memory box or trying

to crack the Da Vinci Code?

She wants an A. She likes to be thorough.

By all means.

While we're at it, why don't we dig up

my mother's old whiskey glass?

Way ahead of you.

Oh, Wendy.

Wendy, wait up.

Let me see that thing.

Phil.

What the hell are you doing with that monster?

Well, she's not that big.

I mean, it looks like it's about to turn

into Optimus Prime.

There's nothing wrong with seeing

how the other half lives.

Don't you care about future generations?

Really, a two-stroke engine?

Why not buy nine cars?

Baby steps, honey.

Looks like you're losing Phil to the dark side.

Oh, hello, Judith.

I didn't see you standing there.

Perhaps you've shrunk.

Why would I have shrunk?

No reason.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Mm.

Good just to be alive, no matter how old you are.

Who said anything about age?

Exactly.

It's all just part of the cycle of life, isn't it?

I mean, you have kids.

Your kids have kids.

And then pretty soon, everybody is pointing, hey,

look at that lady.

She looks a lot older than her neighbor.

Why would they point?

And why would they say that?

And who are these people?

[glass breaking]

Life is pregnant with [inaudible] possibilities.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah.

Can you keep a secret?

Is anyone going to waterboard me?

Of course not.

Then, yes.

See yesterday, Tara was throwing up.

She said it was the fish tacos, but that was weird.

Apparently, you've never eaten fish tacos.

And then just now, she was talking to Judith about circle

of life this and abundant that.

I think you're just jumping to conclusions.

Oh, thank god.

And obviously, she's just pregnant.

What?

That's the conclusion I was jumping to.

What did you think I meant?

That she was having an affair with the man who

sells fish tacos?

I'm not ready for this.

But is she?

The fish taco man is very hot.

I should talk to her.

No, wait.

If she hasn't told you yet, she must want it to be a surprise.

Women must do this sort of thing in their own timetable.

Actually, that's pretty good advice.

I read it on the Tampax box.

It also mentions women have both light and heavy flow.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, babe.

Where are you?

TOM: Over here.

Hm.

Look, I know you know about--

what's with the tennis balls on the coffee table?

Oh, you can never be too careful.

And, uh-- and it actually wasn't even that hard.

Ooh, and check this out.

Caps on the sockets in case some little hand

wants to stick a finger in there.

Isn't that a little premature?

Well, I just want you to know that I'm ready for anything.

If you know, there should ever be the pitter-patter

of little feet around here.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

Oh.

You must really love Monica.

As a name?

Wouldn't that get confusing?

Wouldn't what get confusing?

It's not complicated, Jess.

I want you to know that I'm ready when you are.

Would you excuse me for a second?

[dialing]

Ava, my life is over.

I think Tom wants to put a baby in me!

I don't believe Tom wants a baby.

I mean, his last big goal was to get

through season four of "Lost."

Yeah.

And he gave up on episode six. - You see?

And that's just a TV show.

Raising a kid must take at least twice as long.

Do you think Monica's pregnancy

set off Tom's biological clock?

He's an 18-year-old guy.

He doesn't even have an alarm clock.

Don't get me wrong, I want kids someday.

Maybe in the distant future.

Like one with hoverboards.

But now?

So tell him that.

I can't.

He hasn't said anything.

And if I nix it prematurely, he'll deny the whole thing

and I'll look stupid.

Yeah, you don't want to look stupid.

Better to have a baby.

If I had a hoverboard, I would so hit you with it right now.

OK.

So if you can't confront Tom directly,

then you're just going to have to show

him that he's not ready.

One second you're talking about flat-screen TVs, the next

we're moving to the country.

I mean, what is going on, Phil?

I've done the research.

Depleting resources, reality TV.

The world is descending into chaos, like that Pearl Jam

concert with festival seating.

Oh my god.

This isn't even double-sided.

And how is the country better?

For one thing, it's out in the middle of freaking nowhere.

Tall trees, fresh produce, and chickens clucking gaily

in the background.

What about your fear of flightless birds?

This isn't just about me anymore, is it?

Right.

This is about Ben.

Hey, don't get mad at Ben.

We should be thanking him.

Yes.

I think I'll go and thank him right now.

Aww, Tara.

You must be into the mojitos again.

You live one door down.

Away you go.

You have to talk to Phil.

He's lost his mind.

(BOTH) What mind?

You're not going to win me over by stepping on my zingers,

you know? - You've grown predictable.

Look, all you have to do is just take back

the thing you said about the world

going to hell I mean the poor guy has

really gone off the deep end.

(BOTH) How can you tell?

Stop that.

Look, just because the guy wants a power mower

doesn't mean he's gone crazy.

You're environmentalists, not Amish.

You don't understand.

I mean, he really has lost all hope.

If he had just one small, little thing to cling to, to--

wait a minute. I got it.

I got it

I'm listening.

Not really.

All you have to do is restore his faith in mankind.

Put up a solar panel, donate some money to Greenpeace,

turn off your lights for once when you leave the room.

God, I'd rather talk to him.

Oh, thank you.

No, wait.

Fine Fine, I'll do it.

OK? - OK.

If you'll excuse me, I was just about to enjoy a scotch.

Helps clear my mind.

(BOTH) Shouldn't take long.

Annoying, isn't it?

Not really.

$1,500 for a baby buggy?

For that price, it should come with a baby

Tom, I have a surprise.

This is it.

This is Professor Bootsie von Cuddle Pants.

Ava's cousin needed a sitter for a few days,

so I thought we'd help out.

See if we'd like one of our own.

A dog?

That's a lot to manage with everything else.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Like you said, we can handle anything, right?

You know what?

Right.

Ooh, looks like this is going to be a little

more work than we thought.

He's got a bit of a drippy doodle.

No problem.

We'll get him paper trained in no time.

Right.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Oh, come here.

Oh, that's a bit damp.

[dog barking]

- Did I hear a dog? - He's just visiting.

I'm not sure how long Tom will be able to put up with him for.

He's a terror.

Listen, Jess.

If you're going out, would you drop this on Ben's desk?

It's fresh out of the oven. - Mm.

Sure thing.

Oh, Phil.

Tara wanted me to have a conversation with you,

but you're busy.

It can wait.

You better do it now.

Won't be here much longer.

What?

PHIL: We're moving.

Not this very minute.

I'm going to fix up the place, have it assessed,

so I might need to hold on to your lawn mower for a while.

Oh. Hell, you're moving.

Keep-- keep the mower.

Keep it.

I thought about what you said.

You're right.

Better get out while the getting is good, huh?

Yep.

Move to the country, have a fresh start.

I envy you, my friend.

You're doing the right thing.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Oh, nothing.

No.

I, I was going to buy a new car and I wanted your opinion.

I'm just going to get the Hummer.

Hey, if you put a nozzle on that, you can save a lot of--

What?

Screw it.

Exactly right?

Ooh, banana bread.

Honey. Honey.

Oh, listen.

I need a couple of things at the market.

Yes, but I have news. Phil--

Hold that thought.

Store closes in 10 minutes.

I'll be right back.

Oh, check your desk.

Left you a little surprise.

Mm.

But-- Judith.

Oh, my.

Oh, my, my, my.

Hi, there.

Beautiful dog.

- What are you doing? - Hey, Phil.

How you doing?

Uh, I was just clearing out the spare room.

A little surprise for Judith.

Looks like we're going to have some company.

Um, bottle caps.

What do you do with the--

Blue bin.

Who are you and what have you done with Ben?

Maybe you're right about the whole recycling thing.

Oh, by the way, do you still have that push mower?

Judith's having a-- well, she's napping

and I don't want to wake her up.

Wow.

You just blew my mind.

What's that?

Judith's not sleeping.

I saw her take off for the store.

You know, if you of all people can change,

then I guess anything's possible.

Just give me the damn push mower and forget this

ever happened, OK?

I'm on my way.

You know, this is enough to make me rethink

that move to the country.

Who said what now?

[dog barking]

My favorite socks.

Sorry about that.

I took a shower.

And obviously, Bootsie loves socksies.

Well, obviously, we're not ready to take

care of another living thing.

What do you mean?

Did you make some kind of decision about something?

Decision about what?

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell is barking at?

BEN: No.

You just told me that you were going to fix the place up.

You wanted my real estate agent.

You were going to sell. PHIL: Yeah.

But you said the recycling and the garbage

all goes to the same place and it's all going to hell anyway.

So what?

You said you were moving.

So I changed my mind.

BEN: That's unacceptable.

You're moving?

Honey, I said that the country would drive me insane.

And that's why we're going to raise the baby here.

Right, honey?

Why would we raise Monica's baby?

- Excuse me. - No, our baby.

Your baby.

No, baby.

Monica is pregnant.

What?

TOM: Monica?

No, that's--

That's impossible.

She's not even married.

Well, I hate to get technical, Daddy.

But--

Everybody, I am very pleased to announce

that Judith is with child.

What?

So then, I'm going to be a father and a grandfather?

No, father and--

A father with who?

Mom.

Dad Jesse and I are--

Oh my god, you think I'm knocked up?

You're not?

Oh, please tell me you're not. - Are you kidding?

Our condoms wear condoms.

Oh, thank god.

Judith, you are--

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I baked my last bun.

Where is all this coming from?

Honey, from the surprise pregnancy

test you left on my desk. - Yeah.

And I found one by the garbage.

And I misinterpreted a conversation that I shouldn't

have been listening to.

Well, clearly, somebody here is pregnant.

[clearing throat].

I don't like where this is going.

I'm not pregnant.

I found that thing in mom's closet, and I threw it out.

Oh my god.

It's mine.

Yes.

From 12 years ago, when I was pregnant with Wendy.

I kept it as a memento.

Oh.

Did you save Tom's foreskin, too?

Actually--

Ew.

So then, nobody is pregnant?

- No. - No.

Last time I recycle.

[baby crying]

Well, that was interesting.

The part where I--

or where you--

I meant the baby thing.

I really thought you wanted one.

Can you imagine us with kids?

Yeah, I can, actually.

No, I can't.

But I can imagine hover boards.

And when hover boards are available,

I could imagine kids.

Kid.

One.

Maybe.

Oh my god.

We forgot about the professor.

Where is he?

What you got?

[dog growling]

Uh-oh.

A plus.

Too easy.

[music playing]

Mom don't like it, but daddy don't mind it.

[inaudible] Mom don't like it, but daddy don't mind it.

Your mom don't like it, but daddy don't mind it.

She's torn your place apart.

She can't find it.

Made you sell your car.

You still have it.

Mom can't find it.

Your daddy says [muted].

Your mom can't find it.

Your daddy says [muted].

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