Original subtitles

[MUSIC - EMILY MOVER, "ORDINARY DAY"]

I fall asleep to your serenade.

I wake up to your saving grace.

I see the sunbeam, the perfect ray.

I want to send out a gazillion bouquets.

Tom.

Hey.

Tom.

Hey.

[grunting]

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

No.

No, that was the floor.

This blanket smells like Granny Bellow.

We should get a duvet.

One of those down ones.

Unless they actually kill the ducklings.

Go to sleep.

Do they have to kill them to pluck the down off their backs?

Shh, I have a big knife skills test coming up.

The sharp end goes down.

How hard can it be?

Jessie, please.

I need some sleep.

Do you want to have sex?

Let's do this.

[THEME MUSIC - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND DOLLY, "YES I DO"]

THEME MUSIC: Can we find a way that we could be together.

Is there any way that we could be together?

And oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

JESSIE: Hurry up, I'm late for class.

How did we sleep in when I didn't even sleep?

Well, whose fault is that?

You weren't complaining last night.

Yeah, I was.

But you couldn't hear me under all

your talk of ducklings, and bills,

and how much you love me.

Why are you only wearing one she?

I can't find anything in our closet.

It's like the floor of a nudist colony.

[phone ringing]

That's for me.

I got it.

Ow!

Tom and Jessie's phone.

Tom speaking.

How may I help you?

Oh, no, Jessie's in the bathroom dropping a deuce.

Professor Turnowski.

Just a sec.

I can't believe I agreed to sharing one cell.

Hi, Professor Turnowski.

TARA: She's visiting you after 20 years.

How do you know she still likes darts?

Nobody likes darts.

Darts just give drinking a context.

I don't know, Phil.

Every time a guy is best friends with a girl,

I always assume that they want sex.

I mean, do you

You're jealous.

No, I am not jealous.

You are a lying, jealous liar.

No, I am not jealous.

I am clever.

If you two were such good friends,

then why did it take her this long to visit?

I mean, obviously she wants something.

Oh, I know exactly what she wants.

She wants my stick. - Your stick?

My prized possession, my nest egg.

Back in the day, I won two tickets to see Phil Collins.

I took Serena.

She caught his autographed drumstick.

But she was sitting in my seat.

They were my tickets.

So I made an executive decision.

I kept the stick.

Aah.

You like Phil Collins?

Nobody likes Phil Collins.

But that's not the point.

But do you know how much this drumstick

could be worth one day? - Five bucks?

See? Jealous.

No.

Maybe she's using the drumstick as an excuse

to get into your pants.

That could be true, if she swung that way.

She's gay?

As the '80s.

Well, at least we know which stick she's not interested in.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh my god.

Judith, Judith, Judith!

You wouldn't believe who's outside.

Serena Manson, an old flame of mine.

Why is she here?

After 25 years, you'd think she'd be over me by now.

Carrying a torch that long.

Serena Manson.

My god, you haven't changed a bit.

Uh, sorry. Do I know you?

Oh it's OK. I told my wife about us.

Hello.

I'm Judith.

I'm Ben's wife.

Help me out, here.

You're friends of Phil and Tara's?

It's me, it's Ben.

Ben Bellow.

We dated in university.

We tried to make sushi.

You introduced me to marijuana, I had you arrested.

This ring any bells?

Uh, this is 69 Henderson, right?

That's next door.

Great.

Well, nice meeting you.

Huh.

Must have forgot her contacts, I guess.

Something.

I don't see why you need one of these.

Because if Jesse doesn't sleep, then I can't sleep.

And if I can't sleep, I am going to butcher

my knife skills class.

So to speak.

Oh, check it out.

The You Snooze.

Good entry-level white noise machine.

Mostly nature sounds.

Affordable, but quality is lame.

How do you know this stuff?

You would not believe how hard it is for a girl to fall

asleep next to a strange guy.

Well, I would if that guy's you.

That's why I come equipped with one of these bad boys.

The sooner they're asleep, the sooner I can spoon them.

What?

The sonic duvet by Slumber Science?

I've heard about this.

That's a lot of money to spend without asking Jessie.

- So call her. - I can't.

She's got the cell.

The cell?

What are you, sharing one phone? - It cut costs.

And your balls, in one fell swoop.

So can I use your phone, or not?

No.

I'm using it to text Jessie an apology

for sending her that picture of me on the toilet.

SERENA: That was after we drank that mushroom tea,

and we got chased by those mailboxes, remember?

Oh man!

You sound crazier than Phil, here.

Yeah, we had fun.

You know that, one day, you wake up

and you realize something's missing.

It's not missing, if it wasn't yours in the first place.

JESSIE: Hey guys.

PHIL: Hey.

Hey.

This is Jessie? - Mm-hmm.

Wow, look at her.

Skin like porcelain, and such a beautiful smile.

Thank you.

You look like a runner.

Are you a runner or a dancer?

So Jess, where is your husband, Tom?

How should I know?

We're married, not joined at the hip.

I am my own individual, with my own mind.

Everything OK, sweetie?

I didn't sleep last night.

You don't look bad.

- Good genes, I guess. - I'll say.

Yeah, OK, Phil, why don't you take

Serena and show her the garage?

I'm going to hook Jessie up with a hot bath.

JUDITH: You weren't even a blip on her radar.

Oh, well it was only a couple of dates.

Well, one date should have been enough.

You're Ben Bellow.

What do you care?

It's an insult to me.

I mean, you.

She doesn't know what she missed.

You're a judge, for heaven's sakes.

You're right.

I am an absolute catch.

She'll see the light.

Well how, exactly, is that going to happen?

I'll shine it in her eyes if I have to.

[ocean sounds roar]

I don't know about this.

It's peaceful, and calming.

And loud.

Well, you can turn the volume down.

Why can't we plug it on your side?

Because I don't need a sound soother, you do.

[hissing]

Oh!

Oh, that's the scented mist.

It just peed in my face.

You can't just fix me with a machine, Tom.

Oh yeah?

Wait till you hear the train.

[train chugging]

Choo choo.

Remember to give these biceps a flex when she passes by, huh?

Oh believe me, Judith.

You'd better call a plumber, because these pipes

are about to burst.

Here she comes. Pretend you're sexy.

I-- what?

Ben Bellow.

Oh, hey there.

How are you doing?

I remember you now.

Didn't recognize you without your retainer.

Oh.

So what have you been doing all these years?

I became a photojournalist, you?

Judge.

Graduated top of my class, actually.

You know how I used to always like the law.

Right.

Well, I got to get going.

BEN: Okey-doke.

I think that went well, eh Judith?

What is her problem?

No luck with the phantom shoe?

Eaten by Her underwear pile.

How'd you do on the knife skills test?

I'm guessing B minus?

OK, C. - F, Jess.

All because you couldn't sleep.

It's like this closet, Tom.

Our lives have become one.

[phone ringing]

That's for me.

Hello?

It's for you. - It's a coincidence.

Don't you get it?

I can't even go to the bathroom without you knowing the 411.

I need my space.

Then if it's space you want, Jess, you got it.

That would have been so much more effective if I

actually had somewhere to go.

You know what?

Why don't I go.

Maybe I can reset the button on my sleep routine

for both of us.

You must be so proud of Jessie.

I mean, she is the total package.

Oh, you think so?

She's amazingly self-assured for her age.

I mean, you would never know she's only 18.

OK, that's enough, Serena.

She is half your age.

You-- you think I'm interested in her?

No, not like that.

Like, as a human being.

Seriously, she's a great kid.

Oh my god.

I am so embarrassed.

I don't know what I was thinking.

But truthfully, um, there is something I would like to get.

Oh, yeah?

Phil's sperm.

No, it's not a perm.

His hair is naturally curly.

No, I didn't say perm.

I said sperm.

I want to have Phil's baby.

Hey mom, can I have my old room back?

Sure.

I feel bad, kicking Serena out of the guestroom,

that will forever be my room, no matter what you call it.

Don't worry about it, sweetie.

We'll just do a little shuffling, that's all.

Did you take care of that, hon?

The drumstick is under lock and key.

I meant Serena's bed.

- Right, right. - Yeah.

I'll go get the blankets.

Thanks.

Oh, and for what it's worth, it's

just for a couple of nights.

Very short sperm.

What?

Short term.

Oh, I'm so tired.

I can't even speak.

Well, these dishes aren't going to wash themselves.

Look, Tara, I know that this is a lot to absorb.

And that's why I wanted to make sure you were OK

with it, before I asked Phil.

Why wouldn't I be OK with it?

I mean, I'm a modern, liberated woman, right?

Well why don't you talk to him, feel him out.

And if he's uncomfortable, I'll never mention it again.

OK, just one question.

Why Phil?

Because of all the guys I ever met, he's still the best.

He breathes through his mouth.

And he scratches himself, a lot.

Congenital eczema.

You wanted to have Jess.

You must know why I want to have a child.

OK.

I'll think about it.

You think these jeans make Eva's butt look big?

Kind of, yeah.

By the way, if this ends in divorce,

I call white noise machine.

This is just until we catch up on our sleep.

One night, two tops.

It's perfectly normal.

When you're our age, perfectly normal is farting the alphabet,

or fantasizing about your best friend's mom.

Sorry.

What are you doing in my closet?

Is there something you want to tell me?

It's Jessie's.

But chicks hate sharing closets.

Even I know that, and I only pretend to listen to them

when they talk.

Well, it's more than just our closet

she wants to get away from.

Dude.

This is a good thing.

You have the whole place to yourself.

Enjoy it, brother.

[upbeat music]

Hard times never, ever have been easy.

Sometimes all you got to do is fight.

Take time because I don't want you to leave me.

Make time because I want you in my life.

Our heads are feeling lighter.

Our legs, we got no knees.

So come on, hold me tighter.

Let's shine brighter.

Let's be you and me.

[heart beating]

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, did I wake you?

- What's up? - Well, I saw this flyer today.

And someone was giving away their puppies.

Isn't that weird?

Just giving away puppies like that?

Yeah, you could totally sell them.

What I we had puppies, and Serena wanted one?

Do you think that we would be OK with that?

Sure.

Serena's great.

What if the puppy looked like you,

and Serena did something that you didn't agree with,

like put a choke collar on it?

Or a fuzzy little vest?

We'd ask her not to.

You see, Phil, here's the thing, right?

Once you give your puppy away, you no longer have a say.

The puppy is now hers.

We're not talking about puppies, anymore, are we?

No.

We're talking about the drumstick.

Yeah, that woman is relentless.

Hey, you.

Your turn with the phone.

Well you seem perky this morning.

But I slept like a baby.

How about you?

Great.

So you coming back?

No.

No, I'm going to need another sleep.

Or two-ish.

I realized last night that we got married so fast,

I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye.

To what?

To my room, my space.

Single Jessie.

I just think I need a little time to catch up with myself.

That doesn't sound like a threat to our marriage at all.

I knew you'd understand.

Oh, hey, Tara!

Did you talk to him?

I did.

And he's not quite sure what to make of it all.

He said no?

Phil's never really been good at sharing.

Well, I'm not asking him to share.

You're certainly not asking to borrow it.

Oh come on, Tara, please.

The clock is ticking. - You know what?

You're right.

Grocery store is going to close in 10 minutes.

Gotta go.

Come on, Tara.

Tara, come on.

We could talk about this.

Everything OK?

Can I ask you a personal question?

Sure.

If an old friend of Ben's who is a really good person, who

would make a fantastic mother, decided

to have a baby on her own, and needed Ben's sperm,

you think Ben would be OK with that?

Oh my god.

You want Ben's sperm?

God, no.

No, I want Phil's.

Oh.

[emotional music]

Then at the break of day you sank into the dream.

You dream of us.

Phil's sperm?

Phil?

They only have one kid, and she married Tom.

We have three perfectly healthy children, two of whom

are excellent.

Why wouldn't she want yours?

It's as if she's trying to drag down the species.

Honestly, Phil, I could sleep on the couch again.

No one should have to sleep on that couch for more than one

night.

Besides, what's mine is yours.

It is?

Have a good sleep.

MUSIC: You dream of us.

[grunting]

Oh, OK.

That's it.

The cot in the basement makes more sense than this.

[tv chatter]

What are are doing?

I just slept for 12 hours straight.

I am wide awake.

You should take my bed.

I can't do that, sweetie.

But I'm the reason Serena took yours.

Seriously, I'm going to be up for a while.

[slow music]

It was never just a dream.

Never just a dream.

All of those have less parties.

Just a dream.

Many a sunrise with--

[screaming]

You're supposed to be in the loft.

You're supposed to be my wife.

The hairy arms didn't tip you off?

I thought it was a sweater.

Hey, while we're here.

There is no we here, not ever.

Yeah, but if we were here, what

would you tell me about getting Jessie to come back to our bed?

Let me guess.

You guys go to bed at the same time every night.

Yeah.

Dude, you've got to create space.

Give her a couple of nights a week

where she goes to bed alone.

Say you're watching the game, you're

out with buddies, anything.

Alone time.

If you want to survive all this togetherness,

you've got to guard each other's independence.

Hey, what are you doing?

I have to go, Phil.

But before I do, one question.

Why won't you give it to me?

I knew this is why you came.

Oh, well if you knew, then you must have a pretty

good answer to my question.

It's a matter of principle, Serena.

I don't understand.

It's simple, you don't deserve it.

Why, because I'm a lesbian?

No, it's-- it's--

I'm just not going to give it away for free.

You want to charge me?

Oh, stop it, stop it.

Honey, Serena didn't come here for your drumstick.

She wants to have a baby.

Oh.

She wants your baby paste.

God, no!

I mean, wow, that's really flattering.

But no, I couldn't.

Dude, you know I love you.

But Tara and I decided to have one child for a reason.

There's only so much room on this planet.

I'm so sorry.

You see?

That's why I chose you.

You're a good man, Phil.

I'm sorry, I was so afraid that you were going to say yes.

I-- I should have trusted you.

Serena, if there's anything else we can do to help you out.

Well, where's that drumstick you mentioned?

Yeah, sorry.

Hey, I got your text.

I've been thinking about the you, and the me,

and that lonely red shoe.

Just because we're married doesn't mean

we have to share everything.

OK.

So this is the ta-da part.

[music swells]

Wow.

My other shoe.

Look inside.

My own private cell phone!

We can find other places to cut corners.

But I can't sleep without you, Jess.

Aww.

And I know there'll be days when you want your own space,

and that's fine.

And you can have the bed to yourself whenever you want it.

But just say you'll come home.

Well who could say no to a closet like that?

And I will take you up on the bed offer.

But not tonight.

Ever done it on a beach?

Surf's up.

Well, I'll ask around for you.

I know a lot of fabulous men.

He is, too.

But there's always Ben, right Judith?

Oh yeah, it makes a lot more sense.

Once you go Ben, oh, you'll want it again.

Stop!

Did I mention I'm gay?

Once you go Ben, you're finished with men.

Anyway, I found my sperm donor, for what it's worth.

Thanks for the drumstick.

TOM: Carter!

I don't know who Phil Collins is.

But you will never guess what I had to do to get his drumstick.

eBay, here I come.

[bright music]

Two days from Montreal.

Would you let me tag along?

Too shy to dance at home.

But I'm out tonight in Tokyo.

The kids on the street with their heads in their hands.

Can they turn into fire.

Like summer's over again.

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