Original subtitles

[music playing]

Self-administered breathalyzer doesn't work, dude.

Trust me.

Those damn Kapelskis always pushing extra onions.

Do you have any gum?

I got Rain, Iceberg, and Shock.

Anything in the mint family?

Just give me Shock.

Date night.

Nothing says romance like Burger Hut drive-through, huh?

It was a one time thing, OK?

And we had a coupon.

Date night, you may be interested in hearing,

is a revered tradition among those of us

who possess a marriage certificate.

Yeah, also among those of us who don't use

possessives like "wife".

Ooh, clever, Phil.

Turning a fear of commitment into a feminist issue.

My beef with marriage is more of a guy thing.

Yeah?

Well, I'd love to hear about it as soon

as you finish your next novel.

On second thought, no.

Let's-- let's have that now.

OK.

A relationship is like a coffin.

You can lie one comfortably, you can even close the lid.

But once you've drilled that lid shut, you are screwed.

Oh, hey, Tara.

Those are beautiful pansies.

I can't believe you, Phil.

This whole time I think that we are marching

to the beat of our own drummer, when in actual fact

you were just afraid to commit?

Hey, babe, you know that you're the only one for me.

Prove it.

Excuse me?

Marry me.

That is, if you're man enough to propose.

You'd just say no.

Fine.

Will you marry me? - Sure.

How's Saturday?

[whistles]

That, my friend, is screwed.

[MUSIC - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND DOLLY, "YES I DO"]

(SINGING) Can we find a way that we could be together?

Is there any way that we could be together?

And oh, by the way, babe, 18 you love me.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Yes I do.

Bike career.

The sideburns say barista.

OK, this one's a toughie.

The shirt says business major, but the mustache

says porn star.

I'm going with an MBA undergrad with a fetish

for women's underwear.

Well, you know, don't knock it 'till you try it, right?

Did you just say what I think you said?

OK, this is crazy.

But this girl I'm seeing, Jolene, or Charlene--

something -ene.

Um, well, she dares me to wear her skivvies.

- Skivvies are for dudes. - Drawers.

Dudes.

Scrunchies?

[inaudible] it's hair--

OK, the point is I gave them a go.

Played little b-ball in her tighty whiteys.

Still dudes.

OK, can we get past the archaic labels?

What I'm saying is, I wore the panties.

And you know what?

Kind of hot.

Where were we?

[knocking]

What do you want, Phil?

Tara's serious.

She actually wants to get married.

Well, Phil, has it ever occurred to you

that this just may be the universe's way of getting

you to right a wrong?

Don't be sanctimonious.

This is your fault.

Hey, you dug the hole.

I just supplied the shovel.

So what am I supposed to do?

You're supposed to buck up and be a man.

I could give you dozens of reasons

why a government sanctioned partnership is the way to go.

Which I'd love to hear once you make the Supreme Court.

On second thought, let's have it.

Let's have it.

Uh, single surname streamlines paperwork for one.

Going through customs was a breeze.

Ditto car insurance, health benefits, hotel bookings.

But the best reason of all, come on, tax breaks.

Hi, Judith.

How's the golf swing?

That's what our marriage means to you, Ben?

Tax breaks?

Well, to be honest, you missed the part about the hotel

bookings and the car insurance.

Honey--

You had me at streamlined paperwork.

Adios.

We only hurt the ones we love.

Nothing can spoil my good mood.

Did you win your celebrity death pool?

Not every joy in life comes at the expense of others.

Wow, even saying that sounds funny.

OK, look, I met someone.

And don't ask who.

I don't want to jinx it.

But you live to spill.

Yeah, we know about all the other guys.

Oh, remember the guy who tattooed

his mother's face on his belly?

[laughing]

I told you about the tattoo in confidence.

You posted it on Facebook.

Was I talking to you?

Come on, spill, baby.

Spill.

Carter, don't get your tighty whiteys in a bunch.

Or should I say panties.

OK, who's next?

I knew Ava was seeing somebody.

I mean, you don't get that kind of glow from yoga.

We're on Ava and her mystery boy toy.

Feel free to chime in.

I can't believe you told Jessie about the panties.

I didn't know she would talk.

That was in the vault under the guy code.

You're still a guy, right?

Doesn't marriage supersede the guy code?

It won't happen again.

This is it happening again.

Remember when you told everyone I was in a boy band?

That was an intervention.

That ever since you got married,

you always pull this kind of thing.

I'm sorry, OK?

Go shoot some pool.

My treat.

I'm-- I'm busy.

I thought we were hanging out.

I have to study.

OK, Saturday.

We'll catch Flick.

I think we need a break.

What, are week dating?

I got a lot of stuff going on these days.

I'll text you.

[music playing]

What are you reading?

Uh, some guy stuff.

There's a frilly wedding dress on the cover.

What kind of guys have you been hanging out with?

Do you think it's weird that your mother and I

aren't married and you are?

Well, I'm also on the college volleyball team,

but I don't expect to see you guys at tryouts.

Why are you asking?

You're getting married?

Is this some kind of relationship Band-Aid?

Are you guys breaking up?

Please tell me you're not breaking up.

[sighs]

OK, nobody is getting married.

I wouldn't be caught dead in a sexist trap.

No offense.

None taken.

So what's going on?

Your father started taking me for granted,

so I thought I would teach him a lesson.

The minute he says I do, I'll say I don't.

And then we'll go back to our regularly

scheduled programming.

But that's so mean.

You'll understand someday.

I kind of hope I don't.

Oh, this stays between us, right?

Mhm.

TARA: Good.

BEN: What are you working on, honey?

You know, it turns out you were right.

Do you know how much this marriage has saved us in taxes?

$47,000.

You would think.

But factor in the kids, amortize it over 22 years,

and we're close to $56,275.

Ooh, stop it with that dirty talk.

You're driving me crazy. [music playing]

I can't believe Carter broke up with me.

I can't believe my mom is dragging my dad to the altar.

We're on me here, Jess.

I got dumped by a dude.

What do girls do in this situation?

Get our hair done and go shopping for purses?

Oh, there is this Oh, there is this pretty sweet man

bag I've been looking at.

Just talk to him, Tom.

Guys don't talk.

That's easy for you to say.

You got me into this mess.

How many times do I have to apologize?

I'm sorry Carter's such a perv.

Uh, that's not an apology.

And you violated the marriage code.

We're supposed to be able to tell each other anything

and it stays in the vault.

OK, you're right.

If you want to win Carter back, you've got to woo him.

Do everything you did to me, minus the foot

rubs and the heavy petting.

I'd rather just go get the man bag.

So what do you got on the mother-daughter code vs.

the father-daughter code?

[music playing]

Oh, dad.

OK, technically I am not supposed

to say anything about this.

But--

Four words.

First word.

Sounds like.

Gum.

Rum.

Dim sum. - Mom, mom.

The first word's mom.

She's going to say no.

Crap.

The engagement is a sham.

Victory is mine.

So what, did you come here to gloat?

Or merely steal my pretzels as usual?

A little from column A, a little from column B.

So I suppose you have your next move mapped out?

Excuse me?

Tara's clearly manipulating you.

This is your chance to turn the tables.

Talk to me.

She challenged you to man up, right?

I say you show her a pair of kahunas big enough

to have their own moons.

Give her the marriage bells and whistles, and then some.

Which would give me enough brownie points

to last until retirement.

But what do I know about marriage?

You got to help me.

Negative on that one.

What about the guy code?

I need you, man.

[MUSIC - MEAT LOAF, "I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE"]

(SINGING) And I would do anything for love,

but I won't do that.

I would do anything for love, anything

you've been dreaming of.

But I just won't do that.

That's my favorite.

The mocha.

I love the mocha.

You have to try this.

- I can get-- - Come on.

Come on.

No, not here.

Not here.

God--

(SINGING) I would do anything for love.

And you know it's true.

CARTER: What are you doing?

I saw it in a movie.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Can you just forgive me already?

I'll tell you what.

I have at my disposal the ultimate piece of gossip.

We're talking brain melting.

And if you can keep it under wraps, you're forgiven.

Done.

That chick I'm seeing, it's not Jolene.

It's Ava.

Hi, guys.

What's new?

[MUSIC - PETE SURDOVAL, "VEGAS WEDDING BELLS"]

(SINGING) There's a 24- hour chapel--

Why are you so nervous?

Oh, I'm not nervous.

You got something you want to tell me?

I was missing pair of underwear this morning.

No, nothing.

So how long is this going to take?

Oh, spoken like a true romantic.

Don't worry, I'll have Tara reject your sorry ass

before Jeopardy starts.

Here, here's your vows.

I, Phil Hill, take thee, Tara Mercker,

to have and to hold, to encourage and inspire,

to pick you up when you fall, to listen to your dreams,

to hold you when you cry, to love you when--

when--

When you're sad or angry, because--

I got it, bro.

Because without the dark, there is no light.

And without you, there is no me.

Why are you crying?

I'm not.

I was just a tax write-off.

So Phil, do you take Tara as your wife, or what?

I do.

And Tara Mercker, do you take Phil Hill as your husband?

I do.

- You don't. - She does.

She did.

Oh, boy.

[music playing]

What the hell happened back there?

She was supposed to say I don't.

I don't know, ask your wife.

You have to undo this.

A verbal affirmative between two consenting adults

is legally binding.

Say I was drunk.

Say we're related.

Say I'm insane.

There's nothing I can do about it, even if two

out of those three are true.

Why in the hell would she want to marry me?

Maybe she wants half the trampoline.

- We don't have a trampoline. - Then I have no idea.

Out.

Just a little repair job.

Go back to sleep, babe.

[panting]

Note to self, no more nacho flavored pork rinds before bed.

[music playing]

Mm, you look like a million bucks.

I thought I was more in the five figure area.

For god sakes, can we please get past this?

That money is for both of us.

It is, isn't it?

[music playing]

I can't believe my parents decided to tie

the knot so late in life.

You think you know people.

What's with you?

Have you talked to Ava recently?

Ugh, she can't shut up about her new squeeze toy.

Apparently, he cries during sex.

Is that weird?

Quick question.

If the guy code trumps the mother-daughter code,

and the marital code trumps the guy code,

what trumps the marital code?

Or is it the neighbor code that's most important of all?

Especially one with global perspective who doesn't

know any of the key players.

Yes, loophole.

OK, this isn't going to mean anything to you,

but it means a lot to me.

Carter and Ava hooked up.

That's good.

But so soon after Ava dumped Tony?

Can't wait to tell Wendy and Monica.

Ugh.

TARA: You sure slept late.

I had a bit of a rough night.

Were you humming?

I suppose I was.

If this is married people food, count me in.

I can't believe I'm wearing this thing on ironically.

I can't believe you're my--

Go ahead, you can say it.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hello, beautiful.

Organic produce of the week club.

Unlike store bought, our products

retain all their vitamin D, which is great for the skin.

Not that you need any help in that department.

I'm Cal, and you are?

My wife.

Oh, OK.

To

Jessie, there's something I think I should tell you,

but I can't.

But once that something I can't tell you about is over, I will.

So I'm apologizing in advance for the delay.

Will you tell me if I take my top off?

Oh, who are we kidding?

I gotta go.

No wife of mine should be working on a beautiful day

like today.

Yeah, the wife thing? Getting old.

What are you doing?

Throwing away some junk.

Your "Ms." magazines?

You love these.

Things change.

Something wrong with your ring?

Feels weird.

Maybe it's just too tight.

Slid right off, maybe it's too loose.

Maybe I'm allergic.

To gold?

I'm going downtown, I could have it re-sized.

You'd do that?

Anything for my wife.

[music playing]

Hey, does your wedding band ever itch?

Because mine inches.

Tara, relax.

You just got post-marriage jitters.

Yeah.

You know, we haven't had sex since we got hitched.

Wow, a whole day.

Now that is troubling.

God, I know.

I mean, just the other day, Ben said that our marriage

was about tax breaks.

Now most women would find that insulting.

Me, no.

I search for an upside.

What do you think about leather?

Hm, if I didn't know better, I'd say

you have that after sex glow.

You too, Carter.

Isn't that interesting?

We got held up, OK?

Both of you?

I'm starving.

Anyone want a hot dog?

I got it.

You OK?

I think I'm getting an ulcer.

Here you go, sweet cheeks.

Ooh, jumbo.

Just the way I like it.

Chip?

OK, I'm not built for this, and I can't take it anymore.

Tom, I'm sorry, there's something you have to know.

Ava and Carter are faking it.

Jessie!

You told her?

I can't believe you fell for it.

I can't believe you can't keep your mouth shut.

I can't believe I paid for your hot dog.

Does this mean I'm forgiven?

Cover Ava's sausage and we're gold.

Come here.

I missed you.

OK, so this is official?

Carter and I are not sleeping together.

Not today, not tomorrow, not never.

Certainly not after you went to Jessie behind my back.

Sorry, Carter.

Girlfriend code trumps all.

Yep.

[car horn honking]

What the heck is that?

JUDY: My new car.

What?

Are you out of your mind, woman?

How much did this cost?

$28,000.

It's my half of our marital profits.

Marriage is about money.

Might as well enjoy it.

Tara?

I love you more than my poker games, my herb garden,

my other herb garden, my Time music collection,

other than my limited edition rocket to Russia

signed by Dee Dee Ramone.

And I want to spend my whole life with you.

But what I want more than anything

else in the whole world is for you to be happy.

Babe, will you divorce me?

Sign here and here.

It's lucky you didn't consummate this union,

or I'd never able to pull off an annulment.

There.

Now you can go back to being godless heathen.

What do you say we go flip your flapjacks?

Done.

You made your point with the car you know, Judith.

I just-- I cannot believe that you put our marriage

through a calculator.

I told Phil about the tax breaks

just to win a stupid argument.

You want to know what I really think about our marriage?

Trouble have joy doubled.

And no one can put a price on that.

Maybe Tara and Phil are right.

Love without a license is so free,

so spontaneous and heartfelt. I mean,

did you hear those vows that Phil wrote?

So did you 25 years ago.

Oh, those were your vows.

Mhm.

Truer today than ever before.

You are just angling to get your flapjacks flipped.

Guilty as charged.

JUDY: Thank god they're letting us take this thing back.

What do you say we take a little date night detour?

Really break her in, if you know what I mean.

Burger Barn drive-thru?

Ooh, let's go back for the coupons.

(SINGING) Into the blue, the beautiful sky.

We can renew the possible high.

And you came along--

Anything?

Nothing, you?

No, not really.

Worth a shot.

(SINGING) You took my hand, standing in the wings.

You taught me how to sing that song that goes,

no hill too high, no road too long.

'Cause we overcome You build me up when I fall down.

Now, we can fly, fly.

Into the blue, the beautiful sky.

We can renew the possible high.

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