Original subtitles

[city bustle]

CARTER: So what are your plans for spring break?

Singles resort in Cancun.

How come I wasn't invited?

Mature singles.

Oh.

What about you?

Well, I got a little R and R lined up.

Rebecca and Rachel are their names.

I actually met them at the English

as a second language sign up.

You're teaching English?

I'm learning English.

You're kidding.

Hola.

Hey.

How'd the job fair go?

Great, considering there weren't even any rides.

- You found a part-time job? - Mm-hmm.

What about Tom?

Uh, last I saw he was at the Hooters booth.

You'd let him work at Hooters?

Sure, in the kitchen.

Hooters serves food?

- How'd the job fair go? - Terrible.

Ugh, there weren't even any rides.

Jesse already used that one.

What, you stole my joke?

I got here first.

[scoffs]

So how'd it go?

Well, no spring break for me.

I am with job for the next 10 days, just like you demanded.

Sorry, did I say demanded?

I meant demanded!

We have no choice.

Our car leaks oil, and the muffler drags.

We leave pools of fire everywhere we drive.

I thought that was a special effect.

See?

So where are you working?

Oh, my gig sucks.

I mean, it's better than wearing a giant beaver head at Summer

Lude, but only marginally.

Mine's amazing.

I'm at this awesome store, a real cultural mecca.

And I've got a soul sucking retail job at a big box store.

And I'll be surrounded by art, and literature, creativity.

And I'll be surrounded by losers.

Congratulations?

You guys are like Romeo and Juliet on steroids.

I'm canceling Cancun.

[reel starts]

[music playing]

Can we find a way that we could be together?

Is there anyway that we could be together?

And oh, by the way at 18 you loved me.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Go ahead little fella, take the acorn.

[squirrel squeaks]

Think you can settle down, and start a family?

Not on my watch.

[bb gun fires]

Yeah, that's it, run.

Ben, what the hell are you doing?

You can't stop the squirrels from mating

by shooting at them.

Well, I asked them to use birth control,

but they said it ruined the moment.

This has to be illegal.

No, apparently the little bastards can

fornicate wherever they please.

No, I meant shooting a pellet gun in the city.

Oh, I don't kill them, Tara.

I just let them know I can kill them.

They're a nuisance.

TARA: Squirrels are integral to the dispersal

of seeds and nuts, OK?

And they're only a nuisance to you.

Here you go dear, homemade pretzels

for keeping those designer rats out of my yard.

These ones are a little spicy, like you.

Oh, thank you Mrs. Braun.

Oh, my dear.

Oh, did you hear that Tara?

Someone really appreciates me.

Whatever.

Ben, why must you take everything so seriously?

I don't take everything seriously.

Why would-- oh, I'm doing it right now, aren't I?

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Marks called.

He said, if you don't get your blood pressure under control,

you can say goodbye to salt and pretzels.

Hey, if I wanted bland food, I would have married your mother.

Well, it's either that or ask Phil what makes him so sedated.

Ask Phil?

Rather slit my wrists.

That'll bring your pressure down in a hurry.

[bb gun fires]

[car engine stalling]

Come on.

[growls]

I wouldn't stress.

Payday is Friday, you know, and we'll get it fixed then.

If I don't quit first.

I thought you were excited about this job.

I was until you killed it with your soul

sucking box store talk.

Yeah, but that was before I knew we were working together.

Now it's going to be great.

We'll make fun of coworkers together,

we'll make sex in the break room together,

and we'll make enough money to get putzy fixed.

Yeah.

[engine stalling]

No, I think we should pretend that we're not married.

That's a really good idea.

More professional.

Way hotter.

[engine starts]

Oh.

[rock music playing]

Phil?

Phil?

[cards clatter]

Oh, I uh, I have a question.

Um--

What a coincidence, I need a favor.

It's not a coincidence.

They're two totally different things.

Good point, how ironic.

It's not ironic either.

Well, you don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

[grunts in frustration] - OK.

Look I apparently have high blood pressure.

Really?

And since you're the closest thing I know to a corpse,

I was wondering maybe if you could help me.

No prob, dude.

One condition, you gotta fix my next parking ticket.

Oh, done. Next one's on me.

Glad to hear it.

I just happen to have a parking ticket right here.

Now that's a coincidence.

[chuckles]

WOMAN (ON SPEAKER): Book Buy floor staff,

please report to stock room.

Oh, sorry.

Jessie?

Have I seen you somewhere before?

I don't think so.

I never forget a red head.

Mr. Bellow, I think you better read

the Book Buy employee handbook.

Pay particular attention to the chapter

on racial, religious, and follicle discrimination.

Us gingers gotta stick together.

All right, good morning teammates.

Today, I would like to welcome to the new Book

Buy team members.

Tom Bellow, our new sanitation specialist.

Am I going too fast for you, Tom?

You will be mopping floors, which means Luigi

has been promoted to greeter.

Congratulations Luigi.

[clapping]

Jessie Hill is our new junior assistant manager.

PERSON: That's not fair.

Who said hair?

Who said hair?

So you're going to be my boss?

Could this day get any better?

[snorts]

If I say book, you say buy.

Book. ALL: Buy.

Book. ALL: Buy.

If I say sell, you say more.

Sell. ALL: More.

Sell ALL: More.

FINNEGAN: Sell. ALL: More.

Apparently it could.

FINNEGAN: Sell.

[chimes dinging]

[deep inhale]

And we flow from the tree to downward barking dog.

Doesn't seem very flowy, Phil.

That's because you're thinking too much,

and I messed up a couple of the steps.

I like the way the poses are what they say.

And then we flow into the groin cruncher.

[sighs]

Oh!

Oh, it's my calf.

If this is yoga, sign me up for a triple bypass.

You know, that's not yoga.

That's not even yogurt.

Listen, if you want to learn, I'll teach you.

She'll teach me.

Ugh.

You OK, Ben?

Yeah.

Why are you suddenly interested

in helping Ben relax?

Because if I help Ben, I help the squirrels.

Right.

[chuckles]

What?

[store music playing]

Having you as my boss is going to be awesome.

We're going to get away with murder.

So you're OK with this?

Yeah.

[clears throat]

What's going on here?

We were just doing some mopping.

Junior assistant managers don't mop.

Don't let dimples here try and trick

you into thinking otherwise.

Oh, no, no, no, he wasn't--

I don't think that because she's a redhead that

she's easily manipulated, or that

she'll become a vampire when she dies, because she won't.

Let's go, Jessie.

The best place to relax is in ones own environment.

Oh God.

All right, just forget about the poses.

OK.

[exhales]

All right.

Just breathe.

[inhales]

Breathe in, breathe out.

[controlled exhale]

I know how to breathe, damn it.

With the exception of six and a half minutes at the bottom

of Willow Lake when I was nine, I'm pretty much

breathing all my life.

Breath is the link between the spiritual and the physical.

It is the key to all relaxation.

You just concentrate.

[snoring]

And there we go.

[store music playing]

[speaker beeps]

FINNEGAN (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Would the junior assistant manager

please report to the stock room?

There's been a recall emergency.

What's going on?

I finished my work, so I was hoping you could

give me some extra duties.

Tom, you know I'm not comfortable being--

And as your employee, I will have

to do whatever you tell me.

[small sharp inhale]

[kissing]

See how much fun it is working together?

We don't work together.

I'm your boss.

Now, shut up, and lose the shirt.

[giggles]

That was a great book.

Very invigorating with a twist ending.

[chuckles]

Jessie, I've been looking all over for you.

I'm going to go do mopping--

mopping job.

What were you two doing in there?

We were counting the new shipment.

You're Wearing Tom's name tag.

Can I see you in my office?

[squirrel squeaks]

Hey, little fella.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Well, look at you relaxing.

I'm so proud of you, honey.

Oh, looks like we have a weed sprouting over there.

Better nip it in the bud, huh?

Nah, it's just a weed.

I guess I'll take care of it.

So you're learning Spanish so these girls

will teach you English?

It's not easy being single, Tom.

[speaker beeps]

PERSON (ON LOUDSPEAKER): Book Buy store staff,

please report to stock room.

Don't you have to go?

My wife is my boss.

I don't have to do anything.

I can't believe Jessie is your boss.

This job just gets lamer by the second.

What, like you've had better?

Of course I have.

[camera lights snapping]

Hoo hah!

Carter Boyd, you're the best cowboy ninja who ever

worked at the race car center. [cheering]

Thanks for saving earth.

Carter, the only job you've had is as a pharmaceutical test

subject, remember?

Obviously not, Tom.

Anyway, the best part of this job is that Jessie's my boss.

If the stock room's a rocking.

JESSIE (ON SPEAKER): Tom Bellow, could you

please report to the stockroom?

Tom Bellow.

I got to go.

Wait, what I do if the stock room's a rocking?

JESSIE: When I say best, you say seller!

Best. ALL: Seller

JESSIE: Best.

ALL: Seller!

Go Book Buy!

[clapping]

JESSIE: Yay!

Thank you, everyone.

Did you lose a bet?

No, after Finnegan caught us, I convinced him

we switched our name tags because of some employee

empathy program.

Eva has taught you well.

It gets better.

He actually gave me a promotion.

What?

That's so amazing.

I'm not sure.

There's so much I don't know.

Like what are those things that they put in urinals

to make them smell clean?

Urinal pucks.

Right.

Yeah, I'm going to need you to put fresh ones

in all the bathrooms.

[rock music playing]

JESSIE: I'm starving.

I didn't even get a break today.

It was that busy.

I mean, you must be exhausted-- all that cleaning.

What's say we get out of these uniforms,

order in, and do a little extra curricular reading,

if you catch my drift.

Who are you?

Great idea.

How about a down and out hitchhiker?

So we're just going to pretend like today never happened.

Like what never happened?

You, me, the stockroom.

That was your idea.

No, not the sex.

The pucking.

You made me change urinal pucks-- used ones.

Well, you wouldn't change new ones.

Since when is it your job to make me do mine?

Why you taking this so personally?

Well, how else am I supposed to take it?

Like a grown up?

Look, I think it's important that from now

on I keep my personal and professional lives separate.

They weren't so separate at 11 AM this morning.

That was a mistake.

I'm sorry, Tom, but you have to understand,

there's a work Jessie, and a home Jessie.

It's business, nothing personal.

It's just a part-time job, Jess.

Maybe at your level.

[music playing]

[whistling]

Beer and peanuts.

[wind blowing ominously]

I'm not sure we should screwed with the balance of nature.

There may be repercussions in teaching Ben yoga.

I didn't teach him yoga.

He only thinks he's doing yoga.

He's mostly just hyperventilating.

[giggles]

You naughty, naughty girl.

Yeah.

I love you.

And I love you back. honey, if you

were to pick up your peanuts.

What?

Come on, Phil.

They're all over the place.

[squirrels chattering]

More yoga?

Well, Judith, my BP is in the basement,

right next to my broken dreams of Tom ever leaving the house.

I've never been more relaxed.

I, uh, really need you to take a look

at our investment portfolio.

We have an appointment at noon.

Oh, absolutely.

600 million smoking Chinese men have me bullish on cigarettes

stocks again. [kisses]

Great.

[music playing]

[light snoring]

[sighs]

I'm doing a coffee run.

Want anything?

COWORKER: Uh, vanilla latte.

I'll take a double mochaccino.

What?

Sorry, money up front.

Why are you being a jerk?

Pretty sure name calling isn't part of the book

by code of conduct.

Can you get my coffee or not?

I'm not really comfortable lending money to coworkers.

It's just business.

Sprinkles?

COWORKER: Uh, yeah.

Oh, clean up in self-help, Tom, stat.

[inhales through teeth] - You know what?

Unfortunately, I'm on break, so you're going to have

to wait or do it yourself.

Junior assistant managers don't mop.

Wait it is then.

You do know you don't get a break until you finish four

hours of your shift, right.

Uh, but everyone else is on break.

That's because everybody else came in for 9:00 AM,

except for Malinda, who came in at 8:30,

but then locked her keys in the car,

and had to call Rubin, her boyfriend, to help.

Technically, she started at 9:10,

but that's still four hours, so.

[yawns]

Hi, honey.

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be a Wendy's Girl Guide meeting.

Why would I be there?

It's father-daughter day.

[sighs]

Yikes

[yawns]

We have any pickles?

[sighs]

[music playing]

[squirrel chattering]

[bushes rustling]

[crunching]

[chimes]

[squirrel chattering]

[items clunking]

[chuckles evilly]

Oh my god.

Phil, what have you done?

The grass, our butterfly habitat.

Unkempt lawn is the perfect breeding ground for squirrels.

We have a squirrel problem?

[exhales]

Not anymore.

[mariachi music playing]

The woman inside me?

[whistles to bird]

[bird whistles back]

[whistles to bird]

Thank you, dear.

Thank god someone's kicking some serious squirrel ass

around here.

Thank you.

[chuckles smugly]

Nice work with the Management for Morons.

Oh, thank you.

You realize, of course, this means war.

Take it up with me after my legally mandated Book Buy 15

minute break, starting eh, now.

You can't take a break in battle, Tom.

Honey, you won't believe what I just saw--

Mrs. Braun delivering a basket full of pretzels

to Phil of all people.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

Um, nothing, nothing.

Just you know, bills, municipal taxes, banking, insurance

revaluations.

Oh, honey, I was thinking, for our portfolio, big agriculture.

I mean, food shortages due to global warming

are pretty much guaranteed. [laughs]

Don't you think?

I think so.

Uh, oh, this one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, it might be me,

but is there a hint of edge in your voice?

I want my husband back.

I'm right here.

No, you're not.

You're next door getting pretzels from Mrs. Braun.

Mrs. Braun delivered homemade presents to Phil.

Oh, good Lord.

If Phil's me, that means I'm--

[clears throat]

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh no.

[grunts]

[sniffs]

Thanks.

Welcome back.

Who was mopping the front entrance?

Uh, that would have been Tom Bellow.

Don't tell me he made a mistake.

That's one way of putting it.

Well, I'll just get him to redo it.

Yes, if by redo, you mean fire.

Fire Fire?

For a little spillage?

Because that genius didn't use a wet floor sign,

a customer fell, and broke a hip.

- Oh my god. - Did I say fall?

I meant could have fallen, but I can't let that level

of incompetence slide.

It was me.

I did it.

Jessie, trying to cover for an employee's failure.

I mean, the depth of your generosity is endless.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go fire Tom.

No, wait!

Please, sir, you can't.

You know what?

You're right.

You should do it.

What What?

No, why?

Because this is one of those unfortunate things

that a manager has to do.

Think of it as a learning opportunity.

Well, couldn't I just skip this part of my education?

You have a choice, Jessie.

Fire Tom or I'll fire you.

[speaker beeps]

JESSIE (ON SPEAKER): Tom Bellow, please report to

the assistant manager's office.

[MUSIC - DJ CHAMPION, "BACKING OFF"]

Oh, people are backing off.

Some are lining up.

People are looking up.

People are blowing up.

People are crashing up, and they're covering up.

Sweet redheaded Jesus.

Did you notice how his neck went as red as his hair

when he fired us?

Kind of hard to miss, unlike this.

Did you steal this?

I think of it as a parting gift.

Bad-ass Jessie is the bomb.

Mwa!

[contented sigh]

There's like everything you need to repair a car in here.

I know.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

We'll give it to your dad, and he'll fix it.

Exactly. See?

We make a great team.

I say book, you say--

Bite me.

[laughing]

[MUSIC - DJ CHAMPION, "BACKING OFF"]

People backing off.

People are backing off.

People are backing off.

People are backing off.

[crickets]

Hey, hey, nice job on the lawn here, Phil.

I guess all you have to worry about now is maintenance.

That shouldn't be too bad.

Not if you don't mind late nights and early mornings.

Late nights?

It's the best time to mow.

Early mornings?

That's the best time to water.

This is about the pretzels, isn't it?

I trim more rough edges in a year

than you have in a lifetime, Phil.

I deserve those pretzels.

You can't even eat them.

Judith has volunteered to desalt each one individually.

She needs a hobby.

[coughs]

Whoopsie.

[MUSIC - DJ CHAMPION, "BACKING OFF"]

People are backing off.

Always makes me sick.

Some are shutting up, others giving up.

People are backing off.

Mates are breaking up.

Some are making up.

We're all sharing up.

People are backing off.

People are backing off.

People are backing off.

People are backing off!

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