Original subtitles

What does it mean to be married?

Whoa.

Well, it's all about negotiation.

It's a give and take.

It's two halves that--

- --make a whole. - Yeah.

It's a lot like a-- it's a partnership-- a lot

like my old law firm, Kramer and Spence.

Benny, don't make legal analogies.

No no no no.

Hear me out.

Hear me out.

Kramer used to specialize in all the intellectual property

cases.

And Spence used to do all the labor and tax law.

But Spence used to have a stuffed owl in his office.

He used to call it Night Ranger.

It's true.

Do we have to keep talking?

This is never going to work.

Oh, nonsense, champ.

It's going to be great.

Just don't give too much airtime to Tara and Phil.

My parents are in this too?

What's this for?

Wendy's doing a video essay on why some marriages

last and others are doomed.

Oh.

Speaking of which, I was hoping you

and Jessie would be in it too.

Us?

Oh, I don't know.

I need both sides.

Are you saying we're doomed?

Statistically speaking, half of all marriages fail.

I'm just saying.

Is this what you think too?

I'd go with ill-fated.

Hey, who wants the last pepperoni?

Going once, going twice.

[THEME - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND DOLLY, "YES I DO"]

THEME SONG: Can't we find a way that we could be together?

Is there any way that we could be together?

And, oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Who do I have to boink to get some service around here?

Who's left?

Le zing.

You're such a child.

Speaking of children, Wendy's doing a documentary.

And she wants to use us as an example of a doomed marriage.

Crazy, right?

OK, way too long a pause on that one.

We've been over this, Jess.

Teen marriages usually last as long as Carter in bed.

That's what she said.

Wait now.

So that's what you think?

We're not going to last?

Who does Ava have to boink to get a waiter around here?

Our relationship isn't about a piece of paper.

It's about the melding of two souls.

- Like jazz. - Exactly.

It's about being fluid.

Flexible.

Being tuned in to your partner's artistry.

Reading each other's moods so you can alter the melody.

Mm, and make beautiful music together.

WENDY: I don't get it.

It's like Miles Davis said, "I'll play it first

and tell you what it is later."

Yeah.

[imitating jazz cymbal]

That was tight.

Yeah.

BEN: Those fly-by-night hobos are making us look bad.

You're overreacting.

No no no no no no.

I'm merely protecting Wendy's straight-A streak,

as any good father would.

We cannot let the Hills ruin this video, honey.

We have to show them what it's like to be

a real married couple.

OK?

Phil's not the only one that can quote Miles Davis.

OK, I'll give him that one.

JESSIE: Half of all marriages fail.

Doesn't that kind of freak you out?

It's a flawed stat, Jess.

Now you factor in Larry King, and we're clear.

But we just started.

We have years ahead of us.

The odds aren't exactly in our favor.

That's what they said about a certain 300 Spartan warriors.

I thought they all died.

Oh, right.

Look, we got more fight in us.

That's the point.

Ha.

Oh.

I think we should do the video.

Ooh, I'll get the loin cloth.

JESSIE: Wendy's video.

What harm can it do?

It might even be fun.

Not shopping fun or pull-Carter's-finger fun,

but somewhere in between.

Jess, we're not going to become a statistic.

But avoiding a chance to prove we've got what it takes

seems like a bad omen.

You know?

If Wendy thinks we're doomed, let's prove her wrong.

You really want to do the video?

Embarrassingly, yes.

OK, stats be damned.

Of course, if the stats are right, one of our marriages

will end.

My parents are pretty solid.

Mine too.

Doesn't The Refugee have, like, five wives?

There it is.

What does it mean to be married?

Well, that's easy.

A good marriage is a lot like adult contemporary music.

JUDITH: You're gonna use that clip?

Don't hover while I'm editing.

Sorry, sweet pea, but you didn't

give us enough prep time there.

It's supposed to be spontaneous.

What have I told you about spontaneity?

It's for sluts.

See, we just wanted to craft some more insightful remarks.

You do realize, the only people who'll see this

are a bunch of sixth graders.

And their delicious sixth-grade teacher.

Dedicated, I meant dedicated.

We don't want to interfere, honey.

It's good.

I mean, what you've got is a solid B,

B-plus, maybe even an A-minus.

But with our help, you could probably

turn it into an A-plus.

I'm just saying.

A-plus or death.

That's my girl.

Being married means getting to be your true self at all times.

Because, no matter what, the other

person is going accept every part of you--

the good, the bad--

--and the awesome, at least in my case.

You hear that?

No.

Exactly.

No more drip, check it out.

Eat it, Mike Holmes.

WENDY: When Tom proposed, why did you say yes?

Because I love him.

WENDY: But you can love him without being married.

So why?

Because he asked me.

Isn't that how it works?

I mean, who says no to a marriage proposal?

It's not like people get proposed to everyday.

When it happens, you kind of have to say yes.

WENDY: Tom, would you agree with that?

Absolutely.

I'm on it.

So that's why you said yes?

Because you had to? - No.

I got flustered because of the camera.

I said yes because I love you.

Marriage is not supposed to be some Pavlovian response.

You're supposed to just know.

I did know.

I was talking about proposals in general, not us, per se.

You ever see a girl say no on the Jumbotron.

There's a couple of things I need to show you on YouTube.

Please, not your hand.

Once, you wanted this hand--

in marriage. Get it?

Yeah, got it.

You know what?

I think I know how I can make you feel all better.

Are you good?

Uh-huh.

That's what I thought.

[mumbling]

Let's just say I felt inspired by the man that I love.

The man I'll stay married to, stats be damned.

A successful relationship is all about compromise.

- Mm-hmm. - And I do all of it.

Although, there are perks.

My lady love makes the world's greatest Kamut pancakes.

And gives the world's best back rubs.

Although, my old squeeze, Simone,

she has you beat on that count.

But you are top two--

top three.

What just happened?

WENDY: Want to see the instant reply?

Tara?

Crash and burn.

Judith, this is our chance to surge ahead.

And I've got a great idea.

We have to show our origin story.

You're not super heroes.

Honey, we are marital superheroes.

And our powers are commitment and stability.

Shouldn't Wendy have some input?

Of course.

Honey, at the end of the day, this is Wendy's baby.

Really.

BEN: And we're rolling.

OK, Thomas, why did you propose to Jessie?

- Because I love her. - That's trite.

What else?

Where's Wendy?

We'll loop her voice in later.

Come on.

Is this is new camera?

Wendy's doing some B-roll with the old camera.

Come on, focus in here, Tom.

Why did you marry Jessie?

I-- look at her.

And, no, she's not just a catch.

She's the catch.

Yeah, but you could have just shacked up

like those heathens next door.

Why did you-- why did you want to get married?

Yeah, well, you know, I need to mark my territory--

show those other guys how I feel.

Now, this girl belongs to me.

Right?

That's why you asked me to marry you?

To mark your territory?

Not exactly.

Well, then why, exactly?

Because right now, I feel like a fire hydrant in a dog park.

You-- you were right about the camera.

It makes things come out wrong.

Come on, the same thing happened to you.

The little red light comes on, and you get all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, you're really thinking about things.

I mean, you're thinking differently.

I wasn't thinking at all.

Well, that's it, isn't it?

Neither of us was thinking that day-- that stupid dare.

So do you want to take it back?

Do you?

So-- now is this how it starts?

The 50% who fail?

WENDY: Yes.

What did I tell you?

Doomed.

I guess some girls know when a proposal is in the air.

And some guys actually plan it.

But it was just an ordinary day of hanging out for us.

BOTH: Except--

Something, you know, about the sky that day.

You know, it was a day full of, uh, of possib--

possibility.

WENDY: Is that a cheat sheet?

BEN: Whoa, cut cut cut cut.

Really, Tom, cue cards?

Well, last time he got flustered.

Brando used cue cards.

THE REFUGEE: Bad example.

He was divorced three times--

"True E!

Hollywood Story."

Call me old--

fashioned.

But if God didn't want imposed free markets,

he wouldn't have invented nuclear weapons?

What?

This is not how it happened.

Of course it is.

Wendy, are you getting the look in my eye?

How entranced I am? - Speed it up.

I need more time with a doomed couple.

OK, keep going.

Um, what are you doing?

I remember watching the pulse of a delicate vein

on your wrist--

life blood of the woman that I was falling in love with.

And then the golden light around your hair, and--

OK, you know what?

You're just-- you're making a mockery.

Judith.

I'm done.

Wh-- what about Wendy's assignment?

Wendy, where are you going?

Is that a wrap?

It's not even a burrito, my friend.

For Wendy's next interview, we present a united front.

We hold hands, check in with each other frequently,

small gestures-- like that thing you do with your finger

along my wrist.

This leak is driving me mental.

Oh, and let's make sure we finish each other sentences.

That's always so cute.

OK, so, for Tom and Jessie, the perfect evening is--

I'm heading to the hardware store.

Babe, that doesn't connect.

I don't care about Wendy's video.

If I don't fix this leak, then we have a real problem.

People think we're doomed to fail.

They're actually using those words--

except for your mother, who keeps saying "ill-fated."

Listen, the only thing doomed to fail in this room

is that leak--

and, also, your bonsai tree.

Sorry, somebody had to say it.

It's simple.

I walked out of the interview because Phil

talked about the one thing we talked

about never talking about.

Top three, my ass.

TOM: Honey, I'm home.

And this leak is going down.

Well, not down, it's going to get stuffed.

Oh, Tom, that's sweet.

But Dad's on it.

It's getting there.

Jessie, I said I was taking care of it.

I know, but I had a thought.

If Dad could help us out, we could go straight to the video.

I'm sorry I wanted people to know you were mine.

But at this point, I would be happy to put

you on the street with a For Rent sign around your neck.

Hey.

Not in the pimp way.

I can do my own "hey."

Sorry, honey.

Hey!

I said not in the pimp way.

What's your problem?

I'm trying to show the world how great of a husband you are.

Whereas I'm actually trying to be a great husband.

Do you see the irony here?

I was just trying to help you.

I'm pretty sure that's what married people do.

I'm not sure either one of us has

a clue what married people do.

Me neither.

Should I go now?

Turn that thing off.

I told you.

I'm not doing this anymore.

WENDY: No, you told Dad you weren't doing this anymore.

I don't want to be in front of the camera right now, Wendy.

OK?

WENDY: Why not?

Because not everything in life must be made public.

And sometimes, you know, you make choices--

things that you're not always proud of.

WENDY: Huh?

But if you cloak them in a lie, then the lie festers.

And then other people build entire fantasies on the lie.

And it gets worse and worse until you just want to--

Do you need a snack?

WENDY: Until you want to what, Mom?

How about some carrots and hummus, huh?

And you cannot use this.

TOM: Lay it on me.

Are you sitting down?

I am right across from you.

OK, get this.

You did nothing wrong. - Pardon me?

You are 100% blameless.

Are you sure?

Yeah, this one's all on her.

Whoa.

I always knew this day would come,

but I find myself strangely unprepared.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jess.

Feel like canning some fiddleheads with us?

Dad, I hate to break it to you,

but the answer to that question will never be yes.

You and Tom still fighting?

Yeah.

But I've given it some careful thought,

and I realized he overreacted.

Nope.

You emasculated him.

Oh, come on, is that what Dad told you?

Don't be ridiculous, Jess.

Your father and I aren't even speaking.

You guys are still fighting?

Then how are you working together?

Stuff still has to get done.

We're always going to have arguments.

But you can't let your whole lives

come to a halt because of them.

PHIL: You don't talk commitment-- you live it.

Jess, can you tell your father that he's an excellent canner?

But, please, say it in a grudging tone.

You were right.

Yes, I was.

And I was wrong.

Yes, you were.

And I'm sorry.

For what part?

For emasculating you.

Oh, no, that was awesome.

I couldn't speak.

Oh, your dad.

Yeah, well I'll add that to the list.

Well, it's not like you're entirely blameless.

You owe me an apology too.

Really?

For what, exactly?

Grr.

Sue me if you dare, Judith.

But I would habeas your corpus all night long if I could.

Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Permission granted.

And cut.

Nicely done.

- You're still at it? - Yeah.

Come on, honey.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

I refer, of course, to the acclaimed HBO miniseries.

Hmm.

What scene is this?

Well, come on.

I'm clearly re-enacting our seventh date.

I hired a model to play me. Isn't he a dead ringer?

Look at him.

And I'm playing you, Mom.

So, Monica knows.

What?

Knows what?

That this is the moment that I told you I was pregnant.

WENDY: Hold on.

What?

Mom was spontaneous?

Hey, don't talk about your mother like that.

What are you talking about?

It was our seventh date where you

told me that cutting taxes is the same as increasing revenue.

No wonder I fell in love with you.

Rarr.

You did a lot more than that.

What?

Think-- hard.

What are you doing?

So this is how you want to play it?

OK.

Monica, Wendy, male model, I know that we fudged some

of our timing over the years.

But all this is, just, it's too much.

The truth is that we got married because we had to.

I'm so sorry you had to find out this way, honey.

I do have a calendar.

I don't know why you had to make

such a farce out of all this.

Uh--

You want to hang out?

Uh, I got church tomorrow.

Me or Jesus?

You have five seconds.

[upbeat music playing]

Ah, that feels good--

almost as good as this guy Lars I dated in college.

You just couldn't let it go, could you?

Look, I honestly, honestly don't

remember it happening that way.

You don't remember that we slept together

on our third date, I told you I was pregnant on our seventh,

and for our eighth date we got married?

Excuse me if I don't believe it.

Look, what I remember quite clearly

was that I knew I wanted to marry you after our first date.

It's true.

I remember that I had a spot on my coffee spoon.

And you picked it up, and cleaned it off,

and put it back beside my cup without saying a word.

I did?

Or maybe it was my dessert fork

But the point was, I didn't want to marry

you because you were pregnant.

I wanted to marry because I knew I couldn't live without you.

So you were knocked up, and I proposed right away, huh?

More or less.

Damn.

That was noble of me.

[MUSIC - REID JAMIESON, "MY GREEN THUMB"]

REID JAMIESON (SINGING): My green thumb, I hate to think

of what I would become without your hands to guide

me through the mud and rain.

It's a sorry, sorry sight.

I'll plant a kiss upon the forehead

of the girl whose mysteries unfold like blossoms

on a day in spring.

It's a beauty--

We didn't even have to say anything.

We both just knew.

It had to get done.

Turns out my father was right.

You don't talk commitment.

You live it.

JUDITH: Some might call it early-onset dementia.

I prefer to think of it as selective memory.

I guess, in the end, it's not why

you get hitched that matters.

TOM: It's how you stay hitched.

Because it's not how you appear to other people

that's the key to a good marriage.

It's how you appear to each other.

Did we just--

--finish each other's sentences for real?

And cut.

That's a wrap, people.

Should this have been plugged in?

So, um, I'm still going to get a credit on this, eh, champ?

Yes, Dad.

I'll take executive producer, I guess.

You'll get associate producer.

That's my girl.

OK, Bruckheimer, the dishes await.

Yeah.

Buh-bye.

Well done.

Hey.

[sigh]

Crazy week, huh?

One of the many, I hope.

And I guess we don't need these anymore.

REID JAMIESON (SINGING): I'll clean our home, do anything

[water dripping]

to keep you turning, tilling soil till we turn to dust.

BEN: Well, don't keep us in suspense.

C-minus?

My first grade ever without an A in the front.

Thanks guys.

This is a travesty.

Did Mr. Pecks make any comments?

It's Mr. Peck.

There's no S.

Whatever.

Did he say anything about me?

And the rest of the project, as a whole?

BEN: "Overall, this doc suffers from lack of a consistent tone,

suggesting tyro helmer Bellow allowed

too much parental meddling.

No boffo grade for this dud, and ancillary prospects are iffy."

I don't understand any of this.

Mr. Peck has a subscription to "Variety."

Oh.

[MUSIC - ELLIOTT BROOD, "THE VALLEY TOWN"]

TOM: And action.

Uh, that's that.

Leak solved, relationship fixed.

Life goes on.

So then why are we still talking to the camera?

Good question.

Documentary's over.

Of course, there are other things

we could do with this thing.

I'll get the loin cloth.

ELLIOTT BROOD (SINGING): When the wind bares the trees

and them clouds are pushing east, come on inside.

Dry your clothes.

Warm your bones.

Get a glass and sit yourself at ease.

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