Original subtitles

[music playing]

Uck, ooh, yours.

Oh, yeah, now if a grande is a large,

and a tall is a small, then what the hell is a short?

I was wondering the same thing.

Tyler.

Jessie Hill, oh, God, that feels great.

[laughter]

This is is amazing.

You know, I never thought the next time I'd see you,

you'd be--

Discussing the sizing trends of caffeinated beverages.

Married, what?

Unless, uh, that's a rumor.

Sorry.

Oh, this is my Tom, my husband, Tom.

This is Tyler.

We know each other from camp.

Camp.

Is that what they're calling it these days?

[giggling]

[clearing throat]

Yeah, so, uh, this is the lucky guy.

JESSIE: Yeah.

Yeah.

I bet Jessie has told you all about her crazy adventures,

huh?

I can happily say no.

No, she, uh, never mentioned you.

I was like a deer caught in the headlights.

And the headlights were on a train,

and the train was full of spiders.

Oh, one of those.

Now I can't stop thinking about how many people

Jessie's been with. - Wait.

Have you never had the talk?

Well, how am I supposed to bring it up?

Pass the salt, sweetie.

Say, how many people have you slept with?

Yeah, like that.

After I found out about you, I blocked the whole issue.

Now I was hoping we were tied at two apiece, her with you

and me with Sherri.

The chick with the facial tick?

It was a dimple.

That moved.

And now there's this new guy who could tip the scale

in Jessie's direction.

Yeah, I don't want to be the one with the smaller number.

Then have the talk.

The key to a lasting relationship is honesty.

Says the guy who told his last girlfriend he

ghost wrote for Taylor Swift.

Honesty on her part, I mean, you can make up

whatever number you want.

No, I inflate my sexual history, even by one,

Jessie will know.

I'm not discussing it.

Discussing what?

Your booty numbers, truth will set you free.

So wait.

This is virgin territory for you two, so to speak?

It's not something that just comes up.

Oh, cupcake, say, Carter, nice shirt.

What's your number?

Can't put a price on love.

But if I did, it would be 12. You?

Four.

One-night stands count.

6.

See?

Now you, Tom.

Three.

Jessie?

Two. Satisfied?

And both here at this table, up top.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: (SINGING) Can we find

a way that we can be together?

Is there any way that we can be together?

And, oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

[crickets chirping]

We have to talk.

Will there be sex after?

No.

Then can we change have to to should at some point?

That guy you met, Tyler, we kind of hooked up.

Hooked up as in let's do coffee?

Or hooked up as in how did my panties end up on the ceiling?

It was post-Carter and pre-you, a camp fling.

And I could have kept lying about my number,

but it felt wrong.

So your real number is three.

Which means we're tired.

You have three.

I have three.

It's a good thing, right?

Perfect.

OK.

[sigh]

So who was it?

I've learned a thing or two since we

got married, well, a thing, singular,

enough to know not to go there.

But I already know about the girl with the facial tick.

That has a dimple.

And there's me.

So who's the third, Maya?

No.

Claire?

She's my cousin.

Janet from the bookstore?

With the mullet?

It works for her.

Come on, Tom.

We're tied, Jess.

Let it go.

Sure.

Melinda?

[humming]

Oh, hey, babe.

You know what time it is?

Beer 30?

Oh, thanks.

I needed that.

Now imagine how much better it would taste in a place

that rhymes with New Mexico.

Mexico?

Bingo.

I just booked us two tickets for next week.

[laughter]

Happy 40th, sweetie.

Oh, wait.

Next week?

With passport is expired.

There's no way that I'm going to get it renewed in time.

I already turned all my jeans into cutoffs.

OK, well, look.

You know what?

I'll sort out my passport, and then we

can go for your birthday, OK?

Little Tara is turning 40.

Yeah, but don't worry.

You will still be the wise elder.

Babe, your shirt, inside out. - The inside was cleaner.

[funky music]

(SINGING) You can see by the way I move,

oh, it don't get no better.

All right.

Hey, honey.

Hi, honey.

Yo, yo, the benevolent one, Ben Jammin, Benjalamadingdong,

Ben Ben the--

Stop right there.

I have never heard your tacking a music suffix onto my name.

What gives?

I'm in a bit of a quandary.

I'm supposed to go to Mexico on Friday.

For the last time, Phil, I cannot help

you beat the cavity search.

Oh, Tara's passport expired.

I was hoping you could pull some strings for me.

I'm a judge, not the mafia.

Yeah, but you know people.

I thought maybe you'd know someone in the passport office.

Fine, give me all Tara's details.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, I've got them right here, everything you need--

her name, date of birth, place of birth, her measurements.

I don't need her measurements.

I'm just showing off.

OK, thanks.

Whoa.

Jessie wants a name.

So make one up.

It's not that easy.

Samantha Beasley, age 21, second-year psych student

on the rebound, you hooked up with her

at your uncle's cottage last summer

after a crazy night of board games and wine spritzers.

She was drop-dead gorgeous, but kind of looked

like Bruce Willis when she smiled,

which was surprisingly hot.

It's a gift.

It's a sickness.

Jessie will smell a lie.

She's like a dog, with a really good sense of smell.

OK, so literally any dog.

I need a plausible name, ideally,

somebody who has moved away.

Or am I over thinking this?

Well, maybe Jessie has already forgotten.

Emily Ditchburn? JESSIE: No way.

- Angie Gerber? - That dye job?

Please.

I'll file her under maybe.

Gretchen Lloyd.

No, she had that boyfriend who is a really great kisser,

remember?

How do you know he's a great kisser?

Because I read it on a blog somewhere.

How do you think I know I slept with him?

I can't believe we're tied.

Now every time he chats with some girl, I'm going to wonder,

was she the one?

We'll find who his number three is, and not

just to satisfy my curiosity, although admittedly

that is a big incentive.

Good lord, couldn't find any bacon to wrap around that?

Pork rinds are the bacon in the equation.

And what part of knock first don't you understand?

I just had a little chat with my contact

at the passport office.

Your little shindig in the sun is gonna have to wait.

I thought you said he had pull.

Oh, he pulled, Phil, but there was nothing

at the other end of the rope.

It seems Tara's details didn't match a single person

in the entire system.

That can't be.

You should know, Phil, in my capacity as a judge,

I've seen couples keep secrets from each other for decades.

Tara and I don't keep secrets.

No.

Of course, you don't.

And Judith tells you everything.

Oh, hey, Judith.

Botox?

God, no. Can you tell?

That's the point, Mrs. Bellow.

So you can tell?

No, no, you look great.

Listen, girls.

You cannot tell anyone.

It's the first time, and I don't even

know if I'm going to keep it.

Well, it's not like a pair of pumps.

You can't just take it back.

Everyone's Botoxed these days.

Don't worry about it.

Do I look worried?

Um, it's kind of hard to tell.

OK, let's say you're right.

What if Tara doesn't show up in the system?

What could it mean?

Who knows?

Witness protection program, skipping bail, tax evasion,

she's a ghost.

When you two first met, was there anything unusual?

Well, everything was pretty innocent.

This one belongs in a frame, like you, Tara.

It's perfect.

Yeah, underage consumption of alcoholic beverages,

falsifying government documents, no, nothing shady there.

She wanted to get into a few clubs.

It's not a crime.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she

was using you to change her persona

because she was on the run?

And then pretended to be my live-in lover for 22 years?

Foolproof plan.

Well, have you ever seen her real ID?

Just last night, actually.

Officer Tara Merker here.

You have the right to remain naked.

No, that was fake, too.

Well, there is one way to find out the truth.

Tickle her?

No, fingerprints, you idiot, and I happen to know a guy

who does checks on the side.

How many guys do you have?

Do you really want me to answer that?

- Angeline. - What?

No. - Marsha from down the street.

She's, like, 40.

I'm not discussing this, end of story.

- Because you're making it up. - I am not making it up.

Carter, would you hold me out?

Uh, we agreed, like gentlemen, not to kiss and tell.

Without a name, I'm not buying.

Erin?

Your sister, Erin?

Yeah.

That's it.

His sister, Erin, is my third.

We made sweet, sweet love.

Happy? - Wait.

What?

No-- no.

Carter's sister, Erin, no wonder

he couldn't say anything.

Yeah, I mean, it would have been awkward.

Yeah, as opposed to now?

What the hell are you doing?

The wounds are still fresh.

I understand.

Yeah, and she's also right behind you.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

No idea, but you're here, and that's great.

Hey, sis.

Forgot to mention you were in town.

Oh, it's so weird to run into everyone.

Just like old times, huh?

Except we're not at the kids table anymore.

[forced laughter]

Do I have something in my teeth?

So what are you in Tom for?

I mean town.

Oh, I just have something to deal with.

Speaking of which, I was going to pop

by your place today, Tom.

[gurgling]

To see Monica, is she around?

Why do you think I'm hiding here?

Hey, Erin, didn't Mom need help with groceries?

Hey, Carter, didn't Mom say you were adopted?

Ladies and gentlemen, my sister--

intrusive and hilarious.

Well, I would love to stay and make Carter cry.

But, uh, I should go.

Maybe I'll see you later.

It was great seeing you, Erin.

Maybe we'll see you another Tom--

time.

That feel good?

I'd tell you if it didn't.

You would, wouldn't you?

Of course, I would.

I mean, you know, after 24 years of marriage,

I should be able to take any curve ball you throw my way.

What are you getting at?

Well, it's amazing some of the secrets

that wives keep from their husbands.

[sigh]

Ben, I do have something to tell you.

Yeah?

You're pressing too hard.

Oh, what, beer 30 already?

I'm on Mexican time.

[laughter]

We're in the same time zone.

Exactly.

All right, then.

Ooh, Forget the lime, ha.

[sigh]

Genius.

You supersized, double-stuffed ass sandwich.

Look.

I said I needed someone from out of town.

You said Erin.

I thought you were throwing me a bone.

She is my sister, and there will be

no bone talk about my sister.

Imaginary bone.

No bone.

It's not like I didn't respect her in the morning.

You can't have fantasy sex with my sister,

even if you do use imaginary precaution.

At least, it was pretend sex, unlike you and Jessie.

Throwing that back in my face now?

I just need you to keep this lie alive,

at listen until Erin leaves.

You do that, and we're even.

Fine, Erin leaves this weekend,

if that's any consolation.

Great, you just keep her away from Jessie until then.

There is one more thing that you might need to know.

What's that?

No, it's not important.

You are so adorable.

I wanted Monica to see him.

Oh, I live to show off this little guy.

And I've seen it, and she's nice.

It's a he.

Oh.

This is Erin's son.

Isn't he a cute, little tiger?

Yeah, he was a bit of a surprise.

I was going to tell you guys, but

everyone started acting weird.

I want to keep you, little Tommy.

You're such a sweetie.

Did you say Tommy?

Hey, can we go already?

That tequila is not going to shoot itself.

Bye, sweetie.

[sigh]

Buh-bye.

So the results are in, and they're not pretty.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

Sit down, Phil.

You need to hear this.

What do we have?

August 25, 1987, one notice of intended prosecution,

subsequently appealed, for running a red light.

That's no big deal.

I've done that myself.

September 23, 1988, one count of public nudity.

Another thing that Tara and I have in common.

Really?

January 4, 1989, one count of disturbing the peace, two

counts of gross indecency after being discovered by a bus

load of Boy Scouts, quote, "passed out on the city hall

stairs wearing nothing but a jockstrap and a Yoda mask,"

end quote.

OK, this is getting weird.

Is it?

Well, what's even weirder is that Tara

Merker is, in fact, a man, a man by the name

of Philip Wallace Hill.

What?

They were your prints, genius.

How did they get my prints?

You gave me your prints.

Why would I do that?

Are you sure the baby's Tom's?

The math works.

She named him Tommy, and I could see it in her eyes.

What more do I need, an announcement on Facebook?

Oh, consider it done.

This is not funny.

Everything in my life has changed.

Relax, Jessie.

You don't know for sure.

Did you even ask about the father?

If by ask, you mean pretend I got a text message,

run to the backyard, and vomit into my purse, then, yes.

If it is true, Tom doesn't even know.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's why she's here, to tell him he's

a father.

What would you do in my situation?

Uh, that new barista at Flacky's, he's

got a smoking six pack.

OK, I said what, not who.

Well, my libido increases during times of stress.

Look.

The most important thing is that you talk to Tom.

But if I'm wrong, I'll look like a total ass.

Then just let it fester.

It's sure to go away on its own.

Hey, Mom.

Have you seen Jessie?

Yeah, she was here earlier, when Erin popped by.

Erin?

Did Jessie and Erin talk?

About what?

Stuff.

What would Jessie and Erin have to talk about?

Are you keeping a secret from me?

Why?

What did Jessie tell you?

Carter, you were supposed to keep Jessie and Erin apart.

What if Jessie confronted her?

You know, this is your little drama.

You'd better go talk to her.

What do I say?

It'll come to you.

Oh, uh, bring some sort of recording device.

This puppy should go viral.

What are you doing?

Uh, searching for porno.

You know damn well where we keep our porn.

That's where we keep our passports.

For those of us who have one, I gave Ben all our deets

so we could fast track our trip.

You don't show up in the system, Tara.

What did you do, blow up a sausage factory,

free some monkeys?

Did you vote conservative?

I knew that this was going to catch up with me one day.

All right.

(SINGING) Well, I'm on to you.

Phil, it's-- Phil, come on.

(SINGING) I'm onto all the things you had to do.

Leave me alone, Tara.

Phil, just wait.

What's that about?

Honey, you lie to your spouse, and you reap the whirlwind

and its path of destruction.

I tried Botox. I'm sorry, honey.

I hate lying to you.

Well, you still look like my wife.

Younger?

Sure, if that's what you want, as

long as we grow old together.

(SINGING) Well, I'm onto you.

I'm onto--

We have to talk.

I know.

I saw Erin today.

I know what's going on.

- In a way, I'm relieved. - Wait.

You know?

Well, of course, I know.

It's my fault.

That's a funny way of putting it.

This is so humiliating.

Can we just pretend this never happened?

It's not something you can undo.

I'm not proud of it, but you're making too big a deal.

There is no bigger deal.

What kind of man are you?

Real classy, Jess.

You know I'm embarrassed about this.

Oh, you're unbelievable.

TOM: Jessie, wait. Way

Well, I guess this is as good a time as ever

to get it all out in the open.

Do we really need to do this in front of everybody?

Oh, that would be awesome.

Shut it, Carter.

Tom, I did not raise you to talk to your friends like that.

Did you raise him to get his best friend's sister pregnant

and then refuse to acknowledge the baby?

What the hell are you talking about?

From the fling you two had.

Erin and Tom?

[laughter]

You lied?

I can explain everything.

Well, what about the name?

TOM: Yeah, what about the name?

Thomas is our grandfather's name.

Should I have mentioned that earlier?

Jessie, wait.

So I guess poker night is off.

Just looking through old photos,

all these years celebrating your not 25th,

your un-30th, your fake 40th.

You have every right to be upset.

It's just something that happened, and I rolled with it.

You were born four years earlier

than I thought, which makes you one year older than me.

I had such a wicked crush on you.

And you were the campus ID guy, and it was the only way that I

could think of to meet you.

So you pretended to be jail bait?

Yeah.

Look.

You know I don't care about this kind of stuff.

But you were always so proud to play

the wise mentor that, you know, I just didn't

have the heart to stop it.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Talk to me, Phil, please.

I guess you really are my old lady now.

[laughter]

(SINGING) There's trouble on this road.

This ain't no ordinary highway.

All those long, long drives.

You were so worried about the possibility of us

not being tied, you let me think we could

be stuck with a screaming, sniveling child

for the rest of our lives.

Come on.

I cut back on the screaming and sniveling ages ago.

I don't care about your number, Tom.

I just-- I wish you would talk to me instead of Carter.

No more secrets.

OK, then there is something even Carter doesn't know,

something you have to promise me stays between us forever.

It's in the vault.

The girl with the facial tick, I never got passed second base.

I-- I tried to steal third, but it got embarrassing.

So before me, you were--

My number is one, Jess, you.

(SINGING) I'm no fool, fool for trying.

You don't know what you miss until it's gone.

[country music]

I hope you're not tired yet, sailor.

What's with the getup, Jess?

I don't know who this Jess character

is because my name is Jolene.

My wife's gonna be so mad.

I am so, so happy right now.

Really?

JUDITH: Mm.

Because it's kind of hard to tell.

[laughter]

PHIL: That was unbelievable.

I guess it's true what they say about older women.

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

(SINGING) You want love, but you fear it.

Your attention's been shifted.

You summed up the feeling with a simple dismissing.

What you gonna do?

Deceiving, it ain't you.

Believe it, 'cause our love ain't easy.

It changes with the seasons.

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