All language subtitles for 18 to Life s02e01 One Is the Loneliest Number.eng

[music playing]

Uck, ooh, yours.

Oh, yeah, now if
a grande is a large,

and a tall is a small, then
what the hell is a short?

I was wondering
the same thing.

Tyler.

Jessie Hill, oh,
God, that feels great.

[laughter]

This is is amazing.

You know, I never thought
the next time I'd see you,

you'd be--

Discussing the sizing trends
of caffeinated beverages.

Married, what?

Unless, uh, that's a rumor.

Sorry.

Oh, this is my Tom,
my husband, Tom.

This is Tyler.

We know each other from camp.

Camp.

Is that what they're
calling it these days?

[giggling]

[clearing throat]

Yeah, so, uh, this
is the lucky guy.

JESSIE: Yeah.

Yeah.

I bet Jessie has told you
all about her crazy adventures,

huh?

I can happily say no.

No, she, uh, never
mentioned you.

I was like a deer caught
in the headlights.

And the headlights
were on a train,

and the train was
full of spiders.

Oh, one of those.

Now I can't stop thinking
about how many people

Jessie's been with.
- Wait.

Have you never had the talk?

Well, how am I
supposed to bring it up?

Pass the salt, sweetie.

Say, how many people
have you slept with?

Yeah, like that.

After I found out about you,
I blocked the whole issue.

Now I was hoping we were tied
at two apiece, her with you

and me with Sherri.

The chick with
the facial tick?

It was a dimple.

That moved.

And now there's this new
guy who could tip the scale

in Jessie's direction.

Yeah, I don't want to be the
one with the smaller number.

Then have the talk.

The key to a lasting
relationship is honesty.

Says the guy who told
his last girlfriend he

ghost wrote for Taylor Swift.

Honesty on her part,
I mean, you can make up

whatever number you want.

No, I inflate my sexual
history, even by one,

Jessie will know.

I'm not discussing it.

Discussing what?

Your booty numbers,
truth will set you free.

So wait.

This is virgin territory
for you two, so to speak?

It's not something
that just comes up.

Oh, cupcake, say,
Carter, nice shirt.

What's your number?

Can't put a price on love.

But if I did, it would be 12.
You?

Four.

One-night stands count.

6.

See?

Now you, Tom.

Three.

Jessie?

Two.
Satisfied?

And both here at
this table, up top.

[theme music]

THEME SONG:
(SINGING) Can we find

a way that we can be together?

Is there any way that
we can be together?

And, oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

[crickets chirping]

We have to talk.

Will there be sex after?

No.

Then can we change have
to to should at some point?

That guy you met, Tyler,
we kind of hooked up.

Hooked up as in
let's do coffee?

Or hooked up as in how did my
panties end up on the ceiling?

It was post-Carter and
pre-you, a camp fling.

And I could have kept
lying about my number,

but it felt wrong.

So your real number is three.

Which means we're tired.

You have three.

I have three.

It's a good thing, right?

Perfect.

OK.

[sigh]

So who was it?

I've learned a
thing or two since we

got married, well,
a thing, singular,

enough to know not to go there.

But I already know about
the girl with the facial tick.

That has a dimple.

And there's me.

So who's the third, Maya?

No.

Claire?

She's my cousin.

Janet from the bookstore?

With the mullet?

It works for her.

Come on, Tom.

We're tied, Jess.

Let it go.

Sure.

Melinda?

[humming]

Oh, hey, babe.

You know what time it is?

Beer 30?

Oh, thanks.

I needed that.

Now imagine how much better
it would taste in a place

that rhymes with New Mexico.

Mexico?

Bingo.

I just booked us two
tickets for next week.

[laughter]

Happy 40th, sweetie.

Oh, wait.

Next week?

With passport is expired.

There's no way that I'm going
to get it renewed in time.

I already turned all
my jeans into cutoffs.

OK, well, look.

You know what?

I'll sort out my
passport, and then we

can go for your birthday, OK?

Little Tara is turning 40.

Yeah, but don't worry.

You will still be
the wise elder.

Babe, your shirt, inside out.
- The inside was cleaner.

[funky music]

(SINGING) You can see
by the way I move,

oh, it don't get no better.

All right.

Hey, honey.

Hi, honey.

Yo, yo, the benevolent one,
Ben Jammin, Benjalamadingdong,

Ben Ben the--

Stop right there.

I have never heard your tacking
a music suffix onto my name.

What gives?

I'm in a bit of a quandary.

I'm supposed to go
to Mexico on Friday.

For the last time,
Phil, I cannot help

you beat the cavity search.

Oh, Tara's passport expired.

I was hoping you could
pull some strings for me.

I'm a judge, not the mafia.

Yeah, but you know people.

I thought maybe you'd know
someone in the passport office.

Fine, give me
all Tara's details.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, I've got them right
here, everything you need--

her name, date of birth, place
of birth, her measurements.

I don't need her measurements.

I'm just showing off.

OK, thanks.

Whoa.

Jessie wants a name.

So make one up.

It's not that easy.

Samantha Beasley, age 21,
second-year psych student

on the rebound, you
hooked up with her

at your uncle's
cottage last summer

after a crazy night of board
games and wine spritzers.

She was drop-dead gorgeous,
but kind of looked

like Bruce Willis
when she smiled,

which was surprisingly hot.

It's a gift.

It's a sickness.

Jessie will smell a lie.

She's like a dog, with a
really good sense of smell.

OK, so literally any dog.

I need a plausible
name, ideally,

somebody who has moved away.

Or am I over thinking this?

Well, maybe Jessie
has already forgotten.

Emily Ditchburn?
JESSIE: No way.

- Angie Gerber?
- That dye job?

Please.

I'll file her under maybe.

Gretchen Lloyd.

No, she had that boyfriend
who is a really great kisser,

remember?

How do you know
he's a great kisser?

Because I read it
on a blog somewhere.

How do you think I
know I slept with him?

I can't believe we're tied.

Now every time he chats with
some girl, I'm going to wonder,

was she the one?

We'll find who his
number three is, and not

just to satisfy my curiosity,
although admittedly

that is a big incentive.

Good lord, couldn't find
any bacon to wrap around that?

Pork rinds are the
bacon in the equation.

And what part of knock
first don't you understand?

I just had a little
chat with my contact

at the passport office.

Your little shindig in the
sun is gonna have to wait.

I thought you
said he had pull.

Oh, he pulled, Phil,
but there was nothing

at the other end of the rope.

It seems Tara's details
didn't match a single person

in the entire system.

That can't be.

You should know, Phil,
in my capacity as a judge,

I've seen couples keep secrets
from each other for decades.

Tara and I don't keep secrets.

No.

Of course, you don't.

And Judith tells
you everything.

Oh, hey, Judith.

Botox?

God, no.
Can you tell?

That's the point, Mrs. Bellow.

So you can tell?

No, no, you look great.

Listen, girls.

You cannot tell anyone.

It's the first time,
and I don't even

know if I'm going to keep it.

Well, it's not
like a pair of pumps.

You can't just take it back.

Everyone's Botoxed these days.

Don't worry about it.

Do I look worried?

Um, it's kind of hard to tell.

OK, let's say you're right.

What if Tara doesn't
show up in the system?

What could it mean?

Who knows?

Witness protection program,
skipping bail, tax evasion,

she's a ghost.

When you two first met,
was there anything unusual?

Well, everything
was pretty innocent.

This one belongs in a
frame, like you, Tara.

It's perfect.

Yeah, underage consumption
of alcoholic beverages,

falsifying government documents,
no, nothing shady there.

She wanted to get
into a few clubs.

It's not a crime.

Has it ever occurred
to you that maybe she

was using you to
change her persona

because she was on the run?

And then pretended to be my
live-in lover for 22 years?

Foolproof plan.

Well, have you ever
seen her real ID?

Just last night, actually.

Officer Tara Merker here.

You have the right
to remain naked.

No, that was fake, too.

Well, there is one way
to find out the truth.

Tickle her?

No, fingerprints, you idiot,
and I happen to know a guy

who does checks on the side.

How many guys do you have?

Do you really want
me to answer that?

- Angeline.
- What?

No.
- Marsha from down the street.

She's, like, 40.

I'm not discussing
this, end of story.

- Because you're making it up.
- I am not making it up.

Carter, would you hold me out?

Uh, we agreed, like
gentlemen, not to kiss and tell.

Without a name,
I'm not buying.

Erin?

Your sister, Erin?

Yeah.

That's it.

His sister, Erin, is my third.

We made sweet, sweet love.

Happy?
- Wait.

What?

No-- no.

Carter's sister,
Erin, no wonder

he couldn't say anything.

Yeah, I mean, it
would have been awkward.

Yeah, as opposed to now?

What the hell are you doing?

The wounds are still fresh.

I understand.

Yeah, and she's
also right behind you.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

No idea, but you're
here, and that's great.

Hey, sis.

Forgot to mention
you were in town.

Oh, it's so weird
to run into everyone.

Just like old times, huh?

Except we're not at
the kids table anymore.

[forced laughter]

Do I have something in my teeth?

So what are you in Tom for?

I mean town.

Oh, I just have
something to deal with.

Speaking of which,
I was going to pop

by your place today, Tom.

[gurgling]

To see Monica, is she around?

Why do you think
I'm hiding here?

Hey, Erin, didn't Mom
need help with groceries?

Hey, Carter, didn't
Mom say you were adopted?

Ladies and
gentlemen, my sister--

intrusive and hilarious.

Well, I would love to
stay and make Carter cry.

But, uh, I should go.

Maybe I'll see you later.

It was great seeing you, Erin.

Maybe we'll see
you another Tom--

time.

That feel good?

I'd tell you if it didn't.

You would, wouldn't you?

Of course, I would.

I mean, you know, after
24 years of marriage,

I should be able to take any
curve ball you throw my way.

What are you getting at?

Well, it's amazing
some of the secrets

that wives keep
from their husbands.

[sigh]

Ben, I do have
something to tell you.

Yeah?

You're pressing too hard.

Oh, what, beer 30 already?

I'm on Mexican time.

[laughter]

We're in the same time zone.

Exactly.

All right, then.

Ooh, Forget the lime, ha.

[sigh]

Genius.

You supersized,
double-stuffed ass sandwich.

Look.

I said I needed someone
from out of town.

You said Erin.

I thought you were
throwing me a bone.

She is my sister,
and there will be

no bone talk about my sister.

Imaginary bone.

No bone.

It's not like I didn't
respect her in the morning.

You can't have fantasy
sex with my sister,

even if you do use
imaginary precaution.

At least, it was pretend
sex, unlike you and Jessie.

Throwing that
back in my face now?

I just need you to
keep this lie alive,

at listen until Erin leaves.

You do that, and we're even.

Fine, Erin leaves
this weekend,

if that's any consolation.

Great, you just keep her
away from Jessie until then.

There is one more thing
that you might need to know.

What's that?

No, it's not important.

You are so adorable.

I wanted Monica to see him.

Oh, I live to show
off this little guy.

And I've seen
it, and she's nice.

It's a he.

Oh.

This is Erin's son.

Isn't he a cute, little tiger?

Yeah, he was a
bit of a surprise.

I was going to
tell you guys, but

everyone started acting weird.

I want to keep
you, little Tommy.

You're such a sweetie.

Did you say Tommy?

Hey, can we go already?

That tequila is not
going to shoot itself.

Bye, sweetie.

[sigh]

Buh-bye.

So the results are in,
and they're not pretty.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

Sit down, Phil.

You need to hear this.

What do we have?

August 25, 1987, one notice
of intended prosecution,

subsequently appealed,
for running a red light.

That's no big deal.

I've done that myself.

September 23, 1988, one
count of public nudity.

Another thing that Tara
and I have in common.

Really?

January 4, 1989, one count
of disturbing the peace, two

counts of gross indecency
after being discovered by a bus

load of Boy Scouts, quote,
"passed out on the city hall

stairs wearing nothing but a
jockstrap and a Yoda mask,"

end quote.

OK, this is getting weird.

Is it?

Well, what's even
weirder is that Tara

Merker is, in fact, a
man, a man by the name

of Philip Wallace Hill.

What?

They were your prints, genius.

How did they get my prints?

You gave me your prints.

Why would I do that?

Are you sure the baby's Tom's?

The math works.

She named him Tommy, and I
could see it in her eyes.

What more do I need, an
announcement on Facebook?

Oh, consider it done.

This is not funny.

Everything in my
life has changed.

Relax, Jessie.

You don't know for sure.

Did you even ask
about the father?

If by ask, you mean
pretend I got a text message,

run to the backyard, and vomit
into my purse, then, yes.

If it is true, Tom
doesn't even know.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's why
she's here, to tell him he's

a father.

What would you do
in my situation?

Uh, that new barista
at Flacky's, he's

got a smoking six pack.

OK, I said what, not who.

Well, my libido increases
during times of stress.

Look.

The most important thing
is that you talk to Tom.

But if I'm wrong, I'll
look like a total ass.

Then just let it fester.

It's sure to go away on its own.

Hey, Mom.

Have you seen Jessie?

Yeah, she was here
earlier, when Erin popped by.

Erin?

Did Jessie and Erin talk?

About what?

Stuff.

What would Jessie and
Erin have to talk about?

Are you keeping
a secret from me?

Why?

What did Jessie tell you?

Carter, you were supposed
to keep Jessie and Erin apart.

What if Jessie confronted her?

You know, this is
your little drama.

You'd better go talk to her.

What do I say?

It'll come to you.

Oh, uh, bring some sort
of recording device.

This puppy should go viral.

What are you doing?

Uh, searching for porno.

You know damn well
where we keep our porn.

That's where we
keep our passports.

For those of us who have
one, I gave Ben all our deets

so we could fast track our trip.

You don't show up
in the system, Tara.

What did you do, blow
up a sausage factory,

free some monkeys?

Did you vote conservative?

I knew that this was going
to catch up with me one day.

All right.

(SINGING) Well, I'm on to you.

Phil, it's-- Phil, come on.

(SINGING) I'm onto all
the things you had to do.

Leave me alone, Tara.

Phil, just wait.

What's that about?

Honey, you lie to your spouse,
and you reap the whirlwind

and its path of destruction.

I tried Botox.
I'm sorry, honey.

I hate lying to you.

Well, you still
look like my wife.

Younger?

Sure, if that's
what you want, as

long as we grow old together.

(SINGING) Well, I'm onto you.

I'm onto--

We have to talk.

I know.

I saw Erin today.

I know what's going on.

- In a way, I'm relieved.
- Wait.

You know?

Well, of course, I know.

It's my fault.

That's a funny
way of putting it.

This is so humiliating.

Can we just pretend
this never happened?

It's not something
you can undo.

I'm not proud of it, but
you're making too big a deal.

There is no bigger deal.

What kind of man are you?

Real classy, Jess.

You know I'm
embarrassed about this.

Oh, you're unbelievable.

TOM: Jessie, wait.
Way

Well, I guess this is
as good a time as ever

to get it all out in the open.

Do we really need to do
this in front of everybody?

Oh, that would be awesome.

Shut it, Carter.

Tom, I did not raise you to
talk to your friends like that.

Did you raise him to get his
best friend's sister pregnant

and then refuse to
acknowledge the baby?

What the hell are
you talking about?

From the fling you two had.

Erin and Tom?

[laughter]

You lied?

I can explain everything.

Well, what about the name?

TOM: Yeah, what about the name?

Thomas is our
grandfather's name.

Should I have
mentioned that earlier?

Jessie, wait.

So I guess poker night is off.

Just looking
through old photos,

all these years
celebrating your not 25th,

your un-30th, your fake 40th.

You have every
right to be upset.

It's just something that
happened, and I rolled with it.

You were born
four years earlier

than I thought, which makes
you one year older than me.

I had such a
wicked crush on you.

And you were the campus ID guy,
and it was the only way that I

could think of to meet you.

So you pretended
to be jail bait?

Yeah.

Look.

You know I don't care
about this kind of stuff.

But you were always
so proud to play

the wise mentor that,
you know, I just didn't

have the heart to stop it.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Talk to me, Phil, please.

I guess you really
are my old lady now.

[laughter]

(SINGING) There's
trouble on this road.

This ain't no ordinary highway.

All those long, long drives.

You were so worried
about the possibility of us

not being tied, you
let me think we could

be stuck with a
screaming, sniveling child

for the rest of our lives.

Come on.

I cut back on the screaming
and sniveling ages ago.

I don't care about
your number, Tom.

I just-- I wish you would
talk to me instead of Carter.

No more secrets.

OK, then there is something
even Carter doesn't know,

something you have to promise
me stays between us forever.

It's in the vault.

The girl with the facial tick,
I never got passed second base.

I-- I tried to steal third,
but it got embarrassing.

So before me, you were--

My number is one, Jess, you.

(SINGING) I'm no
fool, fool for trying.

You don't know what you
miss until it's gone.

[country music]

I hope you're not
tired yet, sailor.

What's with the getup, Jess?

I don't know who
this Jess character

is because my name is Jolene.

My wife's gonna be so mad.

I am so, so happy right now.

Really?

JUDITH: Mm.

Because it's kind
of hard to tell.

[laughter]

PHIL: That was unbelievable.

I guess it's true what
they say about older women.

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

(SINGING) You want
love, but you fear it.

Your attention's been shifted.

You summed up the feeling
with a simple dismissing.

What you gonna do?

Deceiving, it ain't you.

Believe it, 'cause
our love ain't easy.

It changes with the seasons.

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