Original subtitles

[music playing]

[weedwacker buzzing]

Oh, wow.

Clean T-shirt and imported beer.

What's the occasion, Phil?

- Company's coming. - Oh, yeah?

Health inspector?

Actually, a charming pair of newlyweds.

I hope you don't mean Tom and Jessie.

Because it's our turn to host Sunday dinner.

When did this turn system start anyway?

It's fair.

And balanced.

And wrong.

We should get the kids three Sundays a month, seeing

as they live in your attic.

Well, they might have lived in your attic if it

wasn't filled with unsold copies of your self-published memoir.

I say, governor, doesn't that look smashing?

I think I'll buy one for my mum.

I know it's you, honey.

And while we're at it, I want my drill back.

What does that have to do with anything?

Oh, it has to do with everything.

For the billionth time, Ben, I gave you back the drill.

For the billionth time, I--

You know what?

Why don't we just compromise, all right?

Tom and Jessie will be having dinner with us tonight.

Fine.

That is not a compromise, Judith.

That is you getting exactly what you want.

After we listened patiently and decided that's what's best.

Here's a thought.

What if we host Sunday dinner for both sets of parents?

We don't cook.

That's a technicality.

We'll break a little bread, make a little peace.

Get down tonight.

What?

Are you forty?

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Can't we find a way that we can be together?

Is there any way that we can be together?

And oh by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

We have to tell everyone what time to come over.

I'm on it.

All right.

Let's talk menu.

Microwave.

That's not food.

No.

But it's where food comes from.

It's time we explore our culinary boundaries, Jess.

The microwave is the boundary.

Not anymore.

Tonight, we turn on the stove.

Well, if we're turning on the stove,

I know a nice, simple recipe for vegetarian chili.

Oh, good.

My father and tofu, together at last.

No tofu.

I just need you to pick up kidney beans.

And where are you going?

I'm on atmosphere-- candles, tablecloth, chewing gum.

- Chewing gum? - Yeah.

Our roof leaks, and they're calling for rain.

Cushion's been misbehaving?

Thunderstorm coming.

Low pressure systems bring out the worst in me.

Maybe you should move to a drier climate, like Mars.

You know, in the interest of our children,

it'd be nice if we could put aside our differences

for this dinner.

For one night, why don't we try to act like--

Old friends.

Acquaintances.

Former work colleagues.

That'll do.

Hey.

I'm back.

You get the word out?

They're coming at 7:00. What is all that stuff?

I just asked you to get kidney beans.

I know. But I got inspired.

Oh, no.

One word.

Ratatouille, hmm?

Tom, why do you always have to do everything

that you see in movies?

We watched "Pretty Woman" last night.

And you don't see me all, hey, I think

I'll try that hooker thing.

Jessie, look.

This isn't just a dinner party.

It's a peace summit.

It calls for spectacle.

It calls for risk.

It calls for--

A cartoon rat tugging on your hair.

I can do this.

I've made it before.

Well, I watched my mom make it.

OK.

I was in the room when she made it.

I ate it.

But what's wrong with vegetarian chili?

It's boring.

You think they serve vegetarian chili at the Geneva Convention?

Why not?

It's tasty.

It's simple, politically neutral.

Yeah.

But we don't wanna be neutral.

We wanna change hearts and minds here.

With eggplant?

Trust me.

Nothing's gonna go wrong.

[suspenseful ringtone]

You really have to change that ringtone.

Fair and balanced.

I'll give them fair and balanced.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I thought it sounded kind of threatening.

No good?

It's fine.

But I already talked to Judith earlier on.

And we both agreed that it would be best if we

all tried to get along tonight.

But I was working on this whole coiled rage,

don't mess with me thing.

Well, you just keep that in your back pocket, bad boy.

And later, we'll play angry prison guard.

Again?

Ben, I want you on your best behavior tonight.

This dinner is very important to Tom and Jessie.

What?

I'm always on my best behavior.

It's Phil who's the troublemaker.

Then why don't you show Phil that you

are the better man, hmm?

And bring him a little peace offering.

Good God, woman, not the Bordeaux.

Might as well give him my still beating heart.

Yeah, yeah.

There we go.

That's more Phil's speed right there.

That is cooking wine.

Indeed it is.

Hide the jerky, Phil.

Wife's coming.

Relax.

Just kidding.

What do you want, Ben?

Actually, in honor of tonight, I come bearing

a peace offering for you.

Oh, wow.

Thanks, dude.

Someone has to be the better man.

As a matter of fact, I got a peace offering for you myself.

Hope it's good.

I don't know much about wine.

But my vintner called this bad boy--

Oh, stop it.

You didn't buy this for me.

You just grabbed whatever was handy over there to show me up.

Wow.

That's quite an accusation, Ben.

You sure someone's nose isn't out of joint

because his neighbor just outclassed him?

Nobody outclasses me, least of all you.

I've got class on a stick.

Oh.

So that's what's up your ass.

Tom, you didn't measure that chicken stock.

Epicurious says a 3/4 cup.

Well, we don't have a measuring cup.

So I eyeballed it.

We have a measuring cup right here.

Eh.

What's done is done.

And why are you adding the parsley now?

You're supposed to wait till the end.

Jessie.

I'm sorry.

It's just we had a plan, and you're deviating from the plan.

And you shouldn't deviate from the plan

because if you deviate from the plan,

you might as well not even make a plan to begin with.

Exactly. Now you're speaking my language.

I don't want to speak your language.

Who was the king of eighth grade home ec class, hmm?

You're still clinging to that, huh?

Look.

Everything's gonna go great.

Our parents are gonna love the meal.

And then they're gonna love each other.

Ew.

- That came out wrong. - You're right.

I'll set the table.

Are you OK?

I'm just annoyed we have to share Jessie tonight.

I was looking forward to seeing her sans Mr. Tightass.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Forget the prison guard.

Perhaps I can cheer up my rich Western husband, eh?

Oh.

My Russian mail-order bride has arrived.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) You will buy me many, many diamonds

and blue jeans. - OK.

I got something for you here, Phil.

Excuse me, Tara.

You'll notice that this is a slightly older vintage

than the one that you gave me.

It's-- why is Tara wearing a fur coat and no shoes?

First of all, it's a faux fur.

Second of all, it was about to come off.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Pardon me for not anticipating sexual depravity in the garage.

You might have knocked.

The door was open.

There's a reason for that.

What?

So the mailman could join in?

That's a '98 though.

Hmm.

Whoa.

Storms a-coming, Pa.

Let's see here.

Music, classical.

Flowers organic.

China, eclectic.

Tom, how's it going?

Well, to be honest, I've hit a bit of a snag.

You don't say.

Well, we don't have any fresh basil.

But I have come up with a blend of herbs and spices

that's gonna give it its own unique flavor.

OK, Colonel Sanders.

I gave your plan a shot.

But we can't afford to screw up this time.

What do you mean this time?

I mean choose your appetizers.

China Dragon?

You've gotta be kidding.

Tom, don't get me wrong.

I love your ambition. - But--

But sometimes it exceeds your ability.

Really? How so?

Well, let's see.

Normal kids have treehouses.

You tried to build a tree castle.

I'm not so sure about this, Tom.

[gasping]

I meant to do that.

I didn't realize you'd been cataloging my failures.

No.

But every time you fall a bit short,

I am more than happy to help pick up the pieces.

That came out wrong.

Serving takeout at our first dinner party

might be acceptable to you, but not to me.

Feel free to pick up the pieces.

No problem.

I'm making my chili.

Well, I'm still making my ratatouille.

God, you're stubborn.

I'm stubborn?

You're the one insisting on getting

the kids three Sundays a month.

I think it's pretty clear they prefer our company.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Why, just yesterday Tom was going

on about your tofu quin-o-a or whatever the heck passes

for dinner with you people.

Tofu and quinoa have nothing to do with each other.

Oh, there's a useful piece of information.

Thank you for that. [thunder rumbling]

Great job, Phil.

Now the power's out.

How can you blame a bolt of lightning on me?

Give me five minutes. I'll find a way.

Ah.

Nothing.

Whole house is down.

Good thing we have a gas stove.

Good thing my recipe's all up here and not on some computer.

Good thing my computer has a battery.

I'll just transcribe the recipe before it--

dies out.

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

What are you gonna do without your precious recipe?

You think I can't roll with the punches?

You think I can't--

[snapping]

Improvise.

I would have gotten it.

And that, Phil, is why the bolt of lightning

was all your fault.

I can't believe it.

He found a way.

Phew.

The power just went out.

Was it Phil? - Yeah.

Come on.

Let's go.

My work here is done. - Oh, yeah.

The doorknob's stripped.

I keep on meaning to get to that.

You could have just used my drill.

Enough already with the drill.

Let's just open the garage door and get out of here.

- Uh it's electric. - OK.

Please tell us we're not stuck in here.

OK.

I'll keep quiet and let you come to that conclusion on your own.

[thunder rumbling]

Hold on.

I've got a bar.

Ugh.

It's gone.

Nothing here either.

I'm hot.

No need to brag there.

Maybe those windows open up, huh?

I say let's smash them.

Not a chance.

No one's smashing anything.

The power will come on soon enough.

Everyone just take a pill.

Bet that's your answer to everything.

God, now I'm starving.

It's too bad this is a strictly vegetarian household, right?

Otherwise, there'd be meat products stashed

away somewhere, wouldn't there?

I don't know.

Somewhere, maybe here.

Brownies.

Not what you were expecting, Ben?

No.

But they'll do.

Um Ben, those are Phil's brownies.

So?

Oh, good God.

You know, I think this was fate.

Four people, four brownies, a ton of negative energy.

I think we should all just have one.

- Not a chance. - Come on.

Why are you guys so uptight?

Because, Phil, we try to set a good example for our children.

That is the difference between you and us.

Not the only difference, I hope.

Ugh. Oh.

Isn't that your refugee?

Oh.

Hello?

Hello.

We're here.

Hello?

Why can't he hear us?

His lips are moving.

Oh, he's likely in deep prayer.

You know, he comes from a very ancient and spiritual culture.

And one more thing, Marty.

This mutual fund you got me into is a fool's game.

I need you to liquidate the sucker.

Hey.

Hey.

Hello.

In here.

Hello?

Why are you taking up three burners with boiling water?

It's a complicated recipe.

Hey, have you seen the can opener?

Oh.

You mean this can opener?

I'm still working on the tomatoes.

Boy, this is tough.

Could take a while.

You know, all the great chefs like

to personalize their dishes, add that special ingredient

to make it their own.

You wouldn't.

There are no kidney beans in ratatouille.

Well, there are now.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I am sweltering under this thing.

Would either of you really mind if I got naked?

Uh, yeah, we would mind.

Yeah, yeah.

Please remain clothed.

Ugh.

Give it up, Ben.

Why don't you just come and join the circle?

The circle?

OK.

Work with me here, Judith.

Would anyone like to air a grievance?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to air a grievance, yeah.

My particular grievance concerns a certain power tool

that rhymes with Phil and kill.

Why are you so obsessed with that drill?

You already bought a new one.

I'm not obsessed with the drill.

I merely want my property back.

Ben, what does this particular drill represent to you?

$89.99 at Home Depot.

Oh, come on, Ben.

Dig deeper.

Why don't you take us back to the root of the incident, OK?

Fine.

Last time I saw that drill was 12 years ago.

I was building a fence.

Just as I was about to drill in the last board--

Bob? Hey, Bob.

Bob? Bob?

Bob? Bob?

It's Ben. What's up?

New development in the Lewinsky scandal?

No.

- Microsoft release Windows 98? - No.

- Mark McGwire-- - No.

I need to borrow your drill.

It's an emergency.

Ah.

Thanks, Brad.

It's Ben.

And I need that back.

Oh, yeah.

I remember that now.

I needed it to hang that picture.

Uh-huh.

Because of that, I never got to finish the fence, which

led to the loose board, which led to Tom and Jessie

talking through the gap, and falling in love,

and getting married at 18, and then fights over Sunday dinner,

and then me coming over to this godforsaken garage

with a bottle of our best Bordeaux,

and then us all being stuck in here

together for the entire damn day.

And that, Phil, that's why I'm so

obsessed with the stupid drill.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were mentally ill.

See?

Waste of time.

- Ben. - What?

The kids didn't get married because of a gap in the fence.

They did it because they love each other.

Here comes Dr. Tara.

Whether we like it or not, we're family now.

So less mocking, more talking.

Someone's been reading too many Starbucks cups.

[laughter]

Good one, dear.

Thank you, dear.

If we were family, there'd be fewer secrets, wouldn't there?

Such as the location of a certain protein product, huh,

Phil?

Where is that, Phil? Where is the protein product?

What are you talking about? What is he talking about?

Come on. Where is it?

Up here, huh? Here?

- Dude, no. - Up here?

[crashing]

Ugh.

Ah, hey, come on.

It's a drill.

It doesn't mean it's the drill.

Property of Benjamin Bellow.

Mine's ready.

Yours?

Ready.

[coughing]

Could be an acquired taste.

Don't patronize me.

It's awful.

Then again, I didn't have beans.

Let's try mine.

Not bad.

If you like it watery.

Fine.

I'll let it reduce.

- Any other comments? - It's brilliant.

OK?

Is that what you want to hear?

You were right. I was wrong.

I'm too rigid. You're awesome.

You win.

That was strangely unenjoyable.

Geez, I don't know what to say, Ben.

I was sure I returned this.

You were right, and I was wrong.

This is strangely unenjoyable.

You win.

You are the better man.

Oh, come on, Phil.

Buck up.

We all make mistakes, huh?

Like just last week, I said guilty, and I meant not guilty.

That's mighty big of you to admit.

Well, you know, truth be told, I can I guess on rare occasions

be considered a little--

Tightass?

Rigid.

Let's go with rigid here.

Wow.

Congratulations.

Ben, you just had a real breakthrough there.

Judith, is there anything that you would

like to share with the group?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Come on, honey.

Dig deeper.

It's fun. - No, no.

It's OK.

I'll share what I've learned.

I should have been more persistent in having

Phil fix that doorknob.

I just was really afraid to turn into a nagging wife like Jud--

Judas.

You know, I haven't read the Gospels in a while, but--

Just hold on a minute.

That is not fair.

I do not nag.

And maybe you should think before you speak.

If I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times--

oh god, I'm turning into my mother.

Would you just look at us?

We are sitting here acting like children,

while our children are upstairs making

dinner just to mend fences.

Mend fences?

You really drove that one home.

Becoming your mother?

[laughter]

Screw both of you.

I do enjoy a good ironic double entendre.

Well, I don't know about anyone else.

I feel a group hug coming on here.

Absolutely not.

Well, I think what Judith is saying

is that we are uncomfortable with any and all

forms of physical affection.

I do think, though, it might be time for a snack.

Sun's back.

Yeah, great.

Jess, you had more than enough reason to doubt me.

I don't exactly have the best track record.

Which I had to point out like a shrew.

Face it.

I ruined the whole night.

You were right about the ratatouille being too watery.

Your attention to detail is amazing.

But you were aiming high, and I was playing it safe.

But that's why we make a great team.

You know, we complement each other.

We're like--

Sweet and sour chicken balls?

Uh don't bring the Dragon into this.

Look.

I know that I overreach.

And half the time, or 9 out of 10 times,

or 99 out of 100 times, I fail.

But then-- but then there's that 100th time.

You were one of those.

Me and ratatouille, huh?

I'll take it.

[classical music playing]

Hey, do you smell something burning?

Hmm?

No, no.

My ratatouille.

Do we have a fire extinguisher?

Relax, Tom.

I think there's one in my dad's garage.

Yeah?

OK.

Or we could just do this.

Tommy.

Hi, honey.

Right hand blue.

I don't even wanna know.

[laughter]

Woo.

Your turn.

Mm.

Mm.

So good.

Ah, mm.

Guys, we know it's burnt.

You don't have to pretend to like it.

We were actually hoping tonight would be about you guys

overcoming your differences.

Are you gonna finish that, [inaudible]??

- Hello? - It hit the spot.

Good food, good wine, good friends.

What more could you ask for?

Hear, hear.

Did you say something?

Nothing.

I'm still hungry.

Is anyone up for some China Dragon?

Mm.

Chicken balls.

No.

I don't eat meat.

That's not what I heard.

[laughter]

[music playing]

MAN (SINGING): Everybody's gotta elevate.

Right on.

Everybody needs a bit of a lift.

Right on.

Well, just as soon as he can, gonna save up some money.

Gonna take himself down to the Tijuana sun.

Burning the sand, he'll come home and do it again.

[inaudible]

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