All language subtitles for 18 to Life s01e08 Phil Er Up.eng

I'm off to the
movies with Carter.

What, no Jessie?

Oh, she's hanging
with her folks.

They're are having a
family togetherness day.

Family togetherness.

[scoffs] Always some crazy
hippie thing with them, huh?

Yes, Dad.

They like to spend
time with one another

and are therefore crazy hippies.

Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.

Huh.

You thought you could take
me on the last turn, did you?

Please.

I lapped you, twice.

Sure you did.

Where have you two been?

You're supposed to be
buying potting soil.

We did.

We just stopped the go
cart track on the way back.

Actually, it was
on the way there.

Oh, no.

Hope the gardening
store's still open.

We were supposed to
spend the day gardening.

Jessie and I were going
to plant tulip bulbs.

We'll plant them later, Mom.

Dad just wanted to
have a little fun.

I don't need you
encouraging him.

You could have called.

Why would we call?

Go carting makes me nauseous.

Do you always have to act
like an overgrown teenager?

I'm not a teenager.

I'm Phil.
[laughing]

OK, look, Phil.

I am all down with
the carpe diem,

the je ne sais quoi
and joi de vivre.

But at some point, you know, you
have got to have an off switch.

Sometimes, you just
need to just-- just--

Tend your own garden?

Nice.

You know what?

Sometimes I wish you
would act your age.

Oh.

Hm?

Well, what do you think of their
little communist utopia now,

huh?

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Can we find a
way that can be together?

Is there anyway that
we can be together?

And oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

What's the big deal, Jessie?

I mean, it's not
like your parents

have never fought before.

But I've never seen
them argue like this.

I don't know to do.

Three words.

Stay out of it.

That's four words,
college dropout.

I can't stay out of it.

Dad was just being
dad, you know?

- Cool.
- No.

See, I don't get that.

I mean, I've barely spoken
to mine in like, six years.

Really?

What happened?

I turned 12.

My dad's different.

He can be pretty awesome
if Mom ever lets him.

She kind of does, Jess.

Most of the time.

She can't expect him
to just turn it off

whenever it suits her.

I'm talking to her.

You don't want to
get between a couple.

Unless they're twin gymnasts.

I'm not getting
between anything.

I'm just going to go to my
mom, talk to her rationally,

and tell her why she's wrong.

Uh, you might to rethink
the last part, cupcake.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Hey, roommates.

I can't believe Mom
actually kicked you out.

I was only trying
to make our case.

Confronting your
mom when she's upset

is like throwing chum to sharks.

Only you're the chum, and
she's the shark that's

eating the chum that is you.

I get it.

So you'll be crashing on
the couch, if that's cool.

Hey, I can sleep
soundly lying upside down

naked on cement church stairs.

In fact, I have.

Yeah.
Right.

Seriously, this is just
one night, so this totally

doesn't have to be awkward.

Hm.

Well, I'm going to bed.

OK.

SINGER: You don't
need to be saying

the words when I walk in the
door and look in your eyes.

[moaning]

Phil.

Did you just call me, Phil?

No, no, no.

Listen.

[muffled shouting]

Oh, you mean
Phil's in our house.

Why the heck is
Phil in our house.

I don't know.

Go get rid of him.

I'll deal with it tomorrow.

We don't want all those
oysters going to waste, do we?

[moaning]

Doesn't it kind of bother
you that Phil is up there?

Kind of.

But let's not let
this ruin the mood.

Come on.
- I don't know.

I just keep picturing his
hairy toes and his hairy back,

and his hairy--
- All right.

Enough.

[clapping]

And then your uncle spewed
his nachos and [inaudible]

all over Tara's rosemary bush.

Which you blamed on the
Morton's chihuahua, remember?

and She totally bought it,
because of that stomach disease

you made up.

What was it again?

Scorpina.

I named it after one of
the evil Power Rangers.

I remember how much
you like those villains.

There was Goldar and
Repulsa and Wayne Newton.

Oh, Tom's parents.

We wanted to give our ears
a break, so we hid it.

For a second there, I thought
you'd been indoctrinated.

I'd rather be waterboarded
with cough syrup

than listen to this.
Yikes.

You don't have to listen
to anything you don't

like as long as you are here.

Just be yourself.

Speaking of being myself.

Oh, Dad.

No, you can't smoke one in here.

Relax.

From down South, Cajun
alligator, extra spicy.

Illicit meat products.

Well-played.

Morning, Phil.

So you stayed over last night?

In our house.

Even though yours is--
well, it's right over there.

Just a little
turbulence [inaudible]..

Judith, will you excuse
us a second, please?

Phil and I are going to have
a little one on one guy talk,

as we're prone to do.

I've never seen that.

Me neither.

Let's give it a whirl, huh?

So are you trying to
destroy my love life?

Not consciously.

Well, then, what
the hell's going on?

It's no big deal, OK?

Tara got a little ticked because
I took Jessie go carting.

Sometimes she doesn't
get my boyish charm.

I doubt this is about
your boyish charm.

Sounds like it's
about your daughter.

- Really?
- Mm.

I suggest you tread lightly
with Tara on this one.

This calls for a real solution,
not a half-assed Phil fun.

Trust me on this one, but
if there's one thing I know

how to handle, that's women.

He's staying longer?

There was a slight hiccup.

And by hiccup, I mean
an even bigger fight.

I told you to stay out of it.

Look, I like your dad just
fine, but not his roommate.

And I told you,
my dad is cool.

He does tai chi
in his backyard

wearing smiley face
boxes, and I'm pretty

sure he's not being ironic.

Hey, I bought
him those boxers.

Yeah, well, they're a little
loose fitting for slow mo leg

lifts, if you know what I mean.

Relax, Tom.

You won't even notice
that he's there.

Since when we are
we into soy milk?

Dad's lactose intolerant.

What?

It's just one night.

And the Hindenburg
was just one flight.

Look, I had the afternoon off.

I was going to surprise
you with homemade pizza.

Really?

That's so sweet.

Can we postpone till tomorrow?

That way, you and Dad
will have a chance to get

to know each other better.

I've seen his testicles, Jess.

I know him better
than you think.

It'll be fine.

You two will get along
like old frat buddies.

[crunching]

[ticking]

Pork rind?

I'm Jewish.

[gasping] Yeah.

Whoa.

There goes my cell phone.

I didn't hear anything.

It's on vibrate.

[ring tone]

Hey.

911 in law in the attic.

I need you to drop everything
you're doing and get over here.

Don't you mean who I'm doing?

I'm kidding.

I'm serious, Carter.

OK, just relax.

Where are you?

I'm on the fire escape.

I can't go back in there.
It's two weird.

How weird?

Worse than the time your
mom dated your chemistry

and your biology teacher
at the same time.

OK.

Just listen, don't make
prolonged eye contact.

Find a mutual distraction,
like a computer or a radio.

Just make small talk.

I can't make small talk.

I talk about sex
when I get nervous.

What?

That's stupid, man.

Just watch.

Hey Tom, how's the weather?

Naked.

Oh.

I'll be right there.

[radio blasting]

They're called
Silent Destruction.

Huh?

Makes Nine Inch Nails sound
like a bunch of thumb tacks.

Ha ha, and check this out.

You haven't done the deed
until you've done it--

Dude.

Dude.

What the hell are you doing?

You're welcome.

What, did your father
forget his whoopee cushion?

I forgot my textbook.

And don't exaggerate.

He's not a teenager.

Jessie, you only get a
little bit of your father,

and a little goes a long way.

He's like blue cheese
or Robin Williams.

Dad's totally fun, and
you should take him back.

Not without an apology.

He already apologized.

Yeah.

You know what he said?

He didn't say,
sorry, I screwed up.

He said, I'm sorry you're mad.

Well, maybe you're the one
who should be apologizing.

Did you ever think about that?

[whoopie cushion]

I'll just go.

Dude, you were
supposed to help

me deal with my father-in-law,
not humiliate him

Hey, it's not my
fault the old guy's

aging ears aren't up
to the awesomeness

of Silent Destruction.

Maybe it's 'cause
they're just watered

down Melvins with a little
early Sabbath thrown in.

Went back to the garage.

Picked up some real tunage.

I'm so sorry.

This-- this wasn't my idea.

I'm disappointed in
you, young Tom Walker.

Here, I thought you were the
brains behind the operation.

See, in my day, it was
get rid of the old guys

so we could steal his booze,
but you guys are all like,

get rid of the old guy
so we can play Xbox.

Same basic idea, but lamer.

You knew?

It's obvious as your cologne.

It's body spray.

So could we not
mention this to Jessie?

If you want me
to zip it, you're

going to have to let the
old man play in the sandbox.

Or in this case, the Xbox.

- You ever play "Grand Theft?"
- Four or five?

Five's not out yet.

I know people.

Phil, Phil, Phil,
Phil, Phil, Phil.

I knew you guys
would get along.

Yeah, you're just in time.

Your dad so far has
killed 83 people.

Oh, cool.

Dad, can you scooch over?

Yeah, yeah, just
a second, Jess.

Oh, [inaudible].

Any more jerky?

Sorry, no, hon.

[cheering]

I guess I'll just
go to bed and study.

Cool.

Yeah!

Oh, oh!

So this is your idea
of getting things done?

Relax, dude.

You said this calls
for a real solution?

These things take time.

Are you talking
about your relationship

or finishing "Grand Theft Auto."

In this case, "Grand Theft
Auto," but the other thing too.

I am taking this very seriously.

Very seriously.

Oh, forgot the beer bong.

[thumping]

No worries, Eva.

I think it's a good thing.
Good for Dad.

Good for Tom.

Good for me.

Call me later.

Bye.

[music playing]

[shouting]

Look at this wall.

It's ruined.

Oh, come on.

A can of touch up, some
putty, it'll be good as new.

Yeah, your old
man's got it covered.

Hooked us up with some paint.

Yeah, except they didn't
have dreamweaver gray,

so I got white and
mixed it with a Sharpie.

You know, I spent a long time
arranging all this furniture.

Yeah, I kind of
felt bad about that,

but then your dad reminded me
that you like change it up.

Tom, I thought you were
gonna make that pizza.

Oh, can we postpone
till tomorrow?

Your dad's going to
take us to Big Willie's.

Home of the 72
ounce Porterhouse.

Finish it, it's free.

Dude, you're never
going to finish it.

Who cares?

It's free.

No, for the last time--

never mind.

But the whole
point was that we

were going to stay in tonight.

You know, alone?

But it's going
to be so much fun.

I just wish you
would have asked first.

Why would I ask?

You love surprises.

Plus, we wouldn't want to spill
pizza sauce on your dad's bed.

You're staying another night?

That's not a
problem, is it, kiddo?

Score.

Got your text.
What's up?

I can't live this way.

He's taking over.

You're right, Eva.

I've created a monster.

A Dadster.

A monsdad.

A mom--

It's no working, doll face.

The point is,
you got to help me.

I want him out.

Well, what about sarcasm?

Isn't that what you use to
keep your dad out of your life?

Honey, my daddy issues run
deeper than the Grand Canyon.

Sarcasm is just
an hors d'oeuvres.

Well, how would
you handle this?

I'd expose his insecurity,
pump him full of hope,

and then machine gun him
limp with laser sharp barbs.

Yes.

To the barb part.

And the lasers.

Whatever gets rid of Dad.

No.

See that's what I'd do.

But you like your dad.

You don't use a wrecking
ball to hammer a nail.

Well, at least give me
something-- a tidbit, a scheme.

The enemy of your
enemy is your friend.

Flowers.

Jessie, how thoughtful.

I just figured having
my dad upstairs

must be pretty hard, so I wanted
to do something as a thank you.

Well, what's the
deal with these?

Is he allergic?
- No.

- So how do they get rid of him?
- They don't.

Well, it's not much
of a thank you, is it?

Ben.

Oh, you guys don't
want my dad here?

Are you new?

What would possibly make you
think that we enjoy having

that man living upstairs?

I just assumed
that's why you haven't

been playing any Wayne Newton.

We're not following.

My dad hates Wayne Newton.

I've actually been missing
my Wayne Newton for weeks.

Must have got mixed
up in the laundry.

I'm late for class.

Ciao.

OK, boys.

[wayne newton playing]

What the hell is that?

Make the Wayne stop.

I'll take care of this.

Oh, hey Phil.

Hope it's not too loud.

No.

No, not too loud at all.

Hey, Mom.
Dad back yet?

- Why would he be back?
- I don't know.

I just figured he might be
getting a little tired of me.

Oh, you sure that's
not the other way around?

No.
No, Dad's fun.

Always has been.

[chuckles] That's
right, sweetie.

At least that's what Bend
and Judith seem to think.

Oh, no.

[wayne newton playing]

Close the window, Jess.

It's too bright.

Look at that.

Pair of queens.

Read 'em and weep,
ladies and gentlemen.

This pot is mine.

I'm sorry, Phil.

[scoffing]

Oh, look at you.

American Airlines.

It's nicely played, Judith.

Anyone for a drink?

What's going on?

Oh, we're playing
Texas Hold 'Em.

Grab a chair.

And what's with
the Wayne Newton?

It actually goes
pretty well with poker.

Yeah, it's got a really um--

how'd you put it again, Phil?

Retro kitsch factor.

And you're OK with this?

You know how much
we love our Vegas.

Absolutely.

And a new friend of Mr
Newton's a friend of ours.

Crank it.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Let's get some poker action.

[wayne newton playing louder]

[chattering]

[laughing]

Eva, it's me.

Deploy the wrecking ball.

Yeah, you better not
be one of those quit

while you're ahead fellows.

I hope not.

We have one more joining us.

Nice tunes.

I didn't know Elvis and Robert
Goulet had a love child.

I dig the Marilyn Manson tee.

Didn't know the '90s were back.

Everyone, you know Eva.

Please go easy on her.

She's new to poker.

Oh, just watch us.

You might pick up
a thing or two.

Huh?

[chuckling]

Uh, just watch us.

You might pick up
a thing or two.

Shut up, Tom.

I'll see the middle-aged
white guy and raise him 10.

I'll see the
over-caffeinated Bettie

Page wannabe and raise her 10.

Hm.

I didn't know a
mid-life crisis could

start so late in the game.

See your 10, raise you 20.

Eva, what's with the 'tude?

I can handle this.

I know you're not supposed to
raise your hand to a child,

but I raise you 20.

Your humor runs the gamut
from A to B. Raise you 50.

All in.

Ow.

Full house.

Straight.

Well, I guess we're done here.

They're all leaving.

That was incredible.
- I'm not done yet.

Come on.

Now this next part
could get ugly.

If you don't want to
see your father cry,

I suggest you scatter.
- OK.

Meet me at The Veg
when you're done.

We're so going to celebrate.

[laughing]

All right.

Listen up, Tubs.

What I'm about to
say may hurt, so--

You're good with words.

Excuse me?

Back there on the table.

I dug the repartee.

Like battling wits
with Dorothy Parker.

Really?

Really.

You ever thought
of being a writer?

Yeah, my dad used
to say the same thing.

Your dad's a wise man.

I got to go to
the hardware store.

Um, mind if I tag along?

I need a--

Gorilla glue.

What you do?

Pack his bags for him too?

Oh, he's not.

What?

He's not ready yet, Jessie.

And a man like that
shouldn't be pushed.

He's very complex.

Oh, my god.

You have a crush on my dad.

I do not have a crush.

You do too.

Look at you, twirling
your hair all girlishly.

I like the way he smells, OK?

Ew.

He's got this
intoxicating mixture

of woodchips and pear soap.

I might vomit.

But for the record, know that
I would never, ever act on it.

Good.

Now, while he's
still with your mom.

How's that going anyway?

You.

Coming in here with your
music, and your charm,

and your pear soap.

How dare you take
away my friends

and turn my life upside down.

I'm just being myself.
isn't that what you want?

What I want is for
you to act your age.

Wow.

You really sound
like your mother.

[grunting]

You said you won't take
Dad back without an apology.

I think that apology
should come to me.

You were right about Dad.

How do you do it?

[sighing] I
don't exactly know.

All I know is it's harder
to live without him

than it is with him.

I'm sorry.

I never should have
come between you guys.

For what it's worth,
I guess I just--

I kind of overreacted.

Maybe I was jealous.

Of what?

Come on, Jess.

I see the way that you two are
both sticking up for each other

all the time.

I mean, like the time that your
uncle puked in my rosemary bush

and you blamed it on that mutt.

You knew about that?

Come on.

Chihuahuas don't eject three
times their body weight.

So why didn't
you call us on it?

Because I love what
the two of you have.

But if you're going to use
a Power Ranger as stomach

ailment, make sure
it's not one that's

on a poster in your bedroom.

You know, Dad's fun.

He's Phil.

But you're my mom.

Hey, don't tell your father I
know about the puking incident,

OK?

I know how he loves
to play the rebel.

You know, it's funny.

We never would have had
this talk about Dad,

so in his own bumbling
way, this was his doing.

To think he has no idea.

[laughing]

So should we like,
hug it out or something?

All right.
Here.

Plant.

Lance

Oh, that's right, baby.

I'm Phil.

[chuckling]

[wayne newton playing]

Do you forgive me?

Only if you can
the Wayne Newton.

It's kind of growing on me.
You?

No.

A little something I
picked up on my travels.

[punk music playing]

Digging Dig it.

You naughty boy.

Well, indeed I am.

Something's not working.

Oh, it's working.

- No, the music.
- You're right.

Silent Destruction is
so one sentence ago.

Retro's the way, baby.

[wayne newton playing]

[laughing]

[theme music]

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