Original subtitles

I'm off to the movies with Carter.

What, no Jessie?

Oh, she's hanging with her folks.

They're are having a family togetherness day.

Family togetherness.

[scoffs] Always some crazy hippie thing with them, huh?

Yes, Dad.

They like to spend time with one another

and are therefore crazy hippies.

Jessie, Jessie, Jessie.

Huh.

You thought you could take me on the last turn, did you?

Please.

I lapped you, twice.

Sure you did.

Where have you two been?

You're supposed to be buying potting soil.

We did.

We just stopped the go cart track on the way back.

Actually, it was on the way there.

Oh, no.

Hope the gardening store's still open.

We were supposed to spend the day gardening.

Jessie and I were going to plant tulip bulbs.

We'll plant them later, Mom.

Dad just wanted to have a little fun.

I don't need you encouraging him.

You could have called.

Why would we call?

Go carting makes me nauseous.

Do you always have to act like an overgrown teenager?

I'm not a teenager.

I'm Phil. [laughing]

OK, look, Phil.

I am all down with the carpe diem,

the je ne sais quoi and joi de vivre.

But at some point, you know, you have got to have an off switch.

Sometimes, you just need to just-- just--

Tend your own garden?

Nice.

You know what?

Sometimes I wish you would act your age.

Oh.

Hm?

Well, what do you think of their little communist utopia now,

huh?

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Can we find a way that can be together?

Is there anyway that we can be together?

And oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

What's the big deal, Jessie?

I mean, it's not like your parents

have never fought before.

But I've never seen them argue like this.

I don't know to do.

Three words.

Stay out of it.

That's four words, college dropout.

I can't stay out of it.

Dad was just being dad, you know?

- Cool. - No.

See, I don't get that.

I mean, I've barely spoken to mine in like, six years.

Really?

What happened?

I turned 12.

My dad's different.

He can be pretty awesome if Mom ever lets him.

She kind of does, Jess.

Most of the time.

She can't expect him to just turn it off

whenever it suits her.

I'm talking to her.

You don't want to get between a couple.

Unless they're twin gymnasts.

I'm not getting between anything.

I'm just going to go to my mom, talk to her rationally,

and tell her why she's wrong.

Uh, you might to rethink the last part, cupcake.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Hey, roommates.

I can't believe Mom actually kicked you out.

I was only trying to make our case.

Confronting your mom when she's upset

is like throwing chum to sharks.

Only you're the chum, and she's the shark that's

eating the chum that is you.

I get it.

So you'll be crashing on the couch, if that's cool.

Hey, I can sleep soundly lying upside down

naked on cement church stairs.

In fact, I have.

Yeah. Right.

Seriously, this is just one night, so this totally

doesn't have to be awkward.

Hm.

Well, I'm going to bed.

OK.

SINGER: You don't need to be saying

the words when I walk in the door and look in your eyes.

[moaning]

Phil.

Did you just call me, Phil?

No, no, no.

Listen.

[muffled shouting]

Oh, you mean Phil's in our house.

Why the heck is Phil in our house.

I don't know.

Go get rid of him.

I'll deal with it tomorrow.

We don't want all those oysters going to waste, do we?

[moaning]

Doesn't it kind of bother you that Phil is up there?

Kind of.

But let's not let this ruin the mood.

Come on. - I don't know.

I just keep picturing his hairy toes and his hairy back,

and his hairy-- - All right.

Enough.

[clapping]

And then your uncle spewed his nachos and [inaudible]

all over Tara's rosemary bush.

Which you blamed on the Morton's chihuahua, remember?

and She totally bought it, because of that stomach disease

you made up.

What was it again?

Scorpina.

I named it after one of the evil Power Rangers.

I remember how much you like those villains.

There was Goldar and Repulsa and Wayne Newton.

Oh, Tom's parents.

We wanted to give our ears a break, so we hid it.

For a second there, I thought you'd been indoctrinated.

I'd rather be waterboarded with cough syrup

than listen to this. Yikes.

You don't have to listen to anything you don't

like as long as you are here.

Just be yourself.

Speaking of being myself.

Oh, Dad.

No, you can't smoke one in here.

Relax.

From down South, Cajun alligator, extra spicy.

Illicit meat products.

Well-played.

Morning, Phil.

So you stayed over last night?

In our house.

Even though yours is-- well, it's right over there.

Just a little turbulence [inaudible]..

Judith, will you excuse us a second, please?

Phil and I are going to have a little one on one guy talk,

as we're prone to do.

I've never seen that.

Me neither.

Let's give it a whirl, huh?

So are you trying to destroy my love life?

Not consciously.

Well, then, what the hell's going on?

It's no big deal, OK?

Tara got a little ticked because I took Jessie go carting.

Sometimes she doesn't get my boyish charm.

I doubt this is about your boyish charm.

Sounds like it's about your daughter.

- Really? - Mm.

I suggest you tread lightly with Tara on this one.

This calls for a real solution, not a half-assed Phil fun.

Trust me on this one, but if there's one thing I know

how to handle, that's women.

He's staying longer?

There was a slight hiccup.

And by hiccup, I mean an even bigger fight.

I told you to stay out of it.

Look, I like your dad just fine, but not his roommate.

And I told you, my dad is cool.

He does tai chi in his backyard

wearing smiley face boxes, and I'm pretty

sure he's not being ironic.

Hey, I bought him those boxers.

Yeah, well, they're a little loose fitting for slow mo leg

lifts, if you know what I mean.

Relax, Tom.

You won't even notice that he's there.

Since when we are we into soy milk?

Dad's lactose intolerant.

What?

It's just one night.

And the Hindenburg was just one flight.

Look, I had the afternoon off.

I was going to surprise you with homemade pizza.

Really?

That's so sweet.

Can we postpone till tomorrow?

That way, you and Dad will have a chance to get

to know each other better.

I've seen his testicles, Jess.

I know him better than you think.

It'll be fine.

You two will get along like old frat buddies.

[crunching]

[ticking]

Pork rind?

I'm Jewish.

[gasping] Yeah.

Whoa.

There goes my cell phone.

I didn't hear anything.

It's on vibrate.

[ring tone]

Hey.

911 in law in the attic.

I need you to drop everything you're doing and get over here.

Don't you mean who I'm doing?

I'm kidding.

I'm serious, Carter.

OK, just relax.

Where are you?

I'm on the fire escape.

I can't go back in there. It's two weird.

How weird?

Worse than the time your mom dated your chemistry

and your biology teacher at the same time.

OK.

Just listen, don't make prolonged eye contact.

Find a mutual distraction, like a computer or a radio.

Just make small talk.

I can't make small talk.

I talk about sex when I get nervous.

What?

That's stupid, man.

Just watch.

Hey Tom, how's the weather?

Naked.

Oh.

I'll be right there.

[radio blasting]

They're called Silent Destruction.

Huh?

Makes Nine Inch Nails sound like a bunch of thumb tacks.

Ha ha, and check this out.

You haven't done the deed until you've done it--

Dude.

Dude.

What the hell are you doing?

You're welcome.

What, did your father forget his whoopee cushion?

I forgot my textbook.

And don't exaggerate.

He's not a teenager.

Jessie, you only get a little bit of your father,

and a little goes a long way.

He's like blue cheese or Robin Williams.

Dad's totally fun, and you should take him back.

Not without an apology.

He already apologized.

Yeah.

You know what he said?

He didn't say, sorry, I screwed up.

He said, I'm sorry you're mad.

Well, maybe you're the one who should be apologizing.

Did you ever think about that?

[whoopie cushion]

I'll just go.

Dude, you were supposed to help

me deal with my father-in-law, not humiliate him

Hey, it's not my fault the old guy's

aging ears aren't up to the awesomeness

of Silent Destruction.

Maybe it's 'cause they're just watered

down Melvins with a little early Sabbath thrown in.

Went back to the garage.

Picked up some real tunage.

I'm so sorry.

This-- this wasn't my idea.

I'm disappointed in you, young Tom Walker.

Here, I thought you were the brains behind the operation.

See, in my day, it was get rid of the old guys

so we could steal his booze, but you guys are all like,

get rid of the old guy so we can play Xbox.

Same basic idea, but lamer.

You knew?

It's obvious as your cologne.

It's body spray.

So could we not mention this to Jessie?

If you want me to zip it, you're

going to have to let the old man play in the sandbox.

Or in this case, the Xbox.

- You ever play "Grand Theft?" - Four or five?

Five's not out yet.

I know people.

Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil.

I knew you guys would get along.

Yeah, you're just in time.

Your dad so far has killed 83 people.

Oh, cool.

Dad, can you scooch over?

Yeah, yeah, just a second, Jess.

Oh, [inaudible].

Any more jerky?

Sorry, no, hon.

[cheering]

I guess I'll just go to bed and study.

Cool.

Yeah!

Oh, oh!

So this is your idea of getting things done?

Relax, dude.

You said this calls for a real solution?

These things take time.

Are you talking about your relationship

or finishing "Grand Theft Auto."

In this case, "Grand Theft Auto," but the other thing too.

I am taking this very seriously.

Very seriously.

Oh, forgot the beer bong.

[thumping]

No worries, Eva.

I think it's a good thing. Good for Dad.

Good for Tom.

Good for me.

Call me later.

Bye.

[music playing]

[shouting]

Look at this wall.

It's ruined.

Oh, come on.

A can of touch up, some putty, it'll be good as new.

Yeah, your old man's got it covered.

Hooked us up with some paint.

Yeah, except they didn't have dreamweaver gray,

so I got white and mixed it with a Sharpie.

You know, I spent a long time arranging all this furniture.

Yeah, I kind of felt bad about that,

but then your dad reminded me that you like change it up.

Tom, I thought you were gonna make that pizza.

Oh, can we postpone till tomorrow?

Your dad's going to take us to Big Willie's.

Home of the 72 ounce Porterhouse.

Finish it, it's free.

Dude, you're never going to finish it.

Who cares?

It's free.

No, for the last time--

never mind.

But the whole point was that we

were going to stay in tonight.

You know, alone?

But it's going to be so much fun.

I just wish you would have asked first.

Why would I ask?

You love surprises.

Plus, we wouldn't want to spill pizza sauce on your dad's bed.

You're staying another night?

That's not a problem, is it, kiddo?

Score.

Got your text. What's up?

I can't live this way.

He's taking over.

You're right, Eva.

I've created a monster.

A Dadster.

A monsdad.

A mom--

It's no working, doll face.

The point is, you got to help me.

I want him out.

Well, what about sarcasm?

Isn't that what you use to keep your dad out of your life?

Honey, my daddy issues run deeper than the Grand Canyon.

Sarcasm is just an hors d'oeuvres.

Well, how would you handle this?

I'd expose his insecurity, pump him full of hope,

and then machine gun him limp with laser sharp barbs.

Yes.

To the barb part.

And the lasers.

Whatever gets rid of Dad.

No.

See that's what I'd do.

But you like your dad.

You don't use a wrecking ball to hammer a nail.

Well, at least give me something-- a tidbit, a scheme.

The enemy of your enemy is your friend.

Flowers.

Jessie, how thoughtful.

I just figured having my dad upstairs

must be pretty hard, so I wanted to do something as a thank you.

Well, what's the deal with these?

Is he allergic? - No.

- So how do they get rid of him? - They don't.

Well, it's not much of a thank you, is it?

Ben.

Oh, you guys don't want my dad here?

Are you new?

What would possibly make you think that we enjoy having

that man living upstairs?

I just assumed that's why you haven't

been playing any Wayne Newton.

We're not following.

My dad hates Wayne Newton.

I've actually been missing my Wayne Newton for weeks.

Must have got mixed up in the laundry.

I'm late for class.

Ciao.

OK, boys.

[wayne newton playing]

What the hell is that?

Make the Wayne stop.

I'll take care of this.

Oh, hey Phil.

Hope it's not too loud.

No.

No, not too loud at all.

Hey, Mom. Dad back yet?

- Why would he be back? - I don't know.

I just figured he might be getting a little tired of me.

Oh, you sure that's not the other way around?

No. No, Dad's fun.

Always has been.

[chuckles] That's right, sweetie.

At least that's what Bend and Judith seem to think.

Oh, no.

[wayne newton playing]

Close the window, Jess.

It's too bright.

Look at that.

Pair of queens.

Read 'em and weep, ladies and gentlemen.

This pot is mine.

I'm sorry, Phil.

[scoffing]

Oh, look at you.

American Airlines.

It's nicely played, Judith.

Anyone for a drink?

What's going on?

Oh, we're playing Texas Hold 'Em.

Grab a chair.

And what's with the Wayne Newton?

It actually goes pretty well with poker.

Yeah, it's got a really um--

how'd you put it again, Phil?

Retro kitsch factor.

And you're OK with this?

You know how much we love our Vegas.

Absolutely.

And a new friend of Mr Newton's a friend of ours.

Crank it.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Let's get some poker action.

[wayne newton playing louder]

[chattering]

[laughing]

Eva, it's me.

Deploy the wrecking ball.

Yeah, you better not be one of those quit

while you're ahead fellows.

I hope not.

We have one more joining us.

Nice tunes.

I didn't know Elvis and Robert Goulet had a love child.

I dig the Marilyn Manson tee.

Didn't know the '90s were back.

Everyone, you know Eva.

Please go easy on her.

She's new to poker.

Oh, just watch us.

You might pick up a thing or two.

Huh?

[chuckling]

Uh, just watch us.

You might pick up a thing or two.

Shut up, Tom.

I'll see the middle-aged white guy and raise him 10.

I'll see the over-caffeinated Bettie

Page wannabe and raise her 10.

Hm.

I didn't know a mid-life crisis could

start so late in the game.

See your 10, raise you 20.

Eva, what's with the 'tude?

I can handle this.

I know you're not supposed to raise your hand to a child,

but I raise you 20.

Your humor runs the gamut from A to B. Raise you 50.

All in.

Ow.

Full house.

Straight.

Well, I guess we're done here.

They're all leaving.

That was incredible. - I'm not done yet.

Come on.

Now this next part could get ugly.

If you don't want to see your father cry,

I suggest you scatter. - OK.

Meet me at The Veg when you're done.

We're so going to celebrate.

[laughing]

All right.

Listen up, Tubs.

What I'm about to say may hurt, so--

You're good with words.

Excuse me?

Back there on the table.

I dug the repartee.

Like battling wits with Dorothy Parker.

Really?

Really.

You ever thought of being a writer?

Yeah, my dad used to say the same thing.

Your dad's a wise man.

I got to go to the hardware store.

Um, mind if I tag along?

I need a--

Gorilla glue.

What you do?

Pack his bags for him too?

Oh, he's not.

What?

He's not ready yet, Jessie.

And a man like that shouldn't be pushed.

He's very complex.

Oh, my god.

You have a crush on my dad.

I do not have a crush.

You do too.

Look at you, twirling your hair all girlishly.

I like the way he smells, OK?

Ew.

He's got this intoxicating mixture

of woodchips and pear soap.

I might vomit.

But for the record, know that I would never, ever act on it.

Good.

Now, while he's still with your mom.

How's that going anyway?

You.

Coming in here with your music, and your charm,

and your pear soap.

How dare you take away my friends

and turn my life upside down.

I'm just being myself. isn't that what you want?

What I want is for you to act your age.

Wow.

You really sound like your mother.

[grunting]

You said you won't take Dad back without an apology.

I think that apology should come to me.

You were right about Dad.

How do you do it?

[sighing] I don't exactly know.

All I know is it's harder to live without him

than it is with him.

I'm sorry.

I never should have come between you guys.

For what it's worth, I guess I just--

I kind of overreacted.

Maybe I was jealous.

Of what?

Come on, Jess.

I see the way that you two are both sticking up for each other

all the time.

I mean, like the time that your uncle puked in my rosemary bush

and you blamed it on that mutt.

You knew about that?

Come on.

Chihuahuas don't eject three times their body weight.

So why didn't you call us on it?

Because I love what the two of you have.

But if you're going to use a Power Ranger as stomach

ailment, make sure it's not one that's

on a poster in your bedroom.

You know, Dad's fun.

He's Phil.

But you're my mom.

Hey, don't tell your father I know about the puking incident,

OK?

I know how he loves to play the rebel.

You know, it's funny.

We never would have had this talk about Dad,

so in his own bumbling way, this was his doing.

To think he has no idea.

[laughing]

So should we like, hug it out or something?

All right. Here.

Plant.

Lance

Oh, that's right, baby.

I'm Phil.

[chuckling]

[wayne newton playing]

Do you forgive me?

Only if you can the Wayne Newton.

It's kind of growing on me. You?

No.

A little something I picked up on my travels.

[punk music playing]

Digging Dig it.

You naughty boy.

Well, indeed I am.

Something's not working.

Oh, it's working.

- No, the music. - You're right.

Silent Destruction is so one sentence ago.

Retro's the way, baby.

[wayne newton playing]

[laughing]

[theme music]

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