Original subtitles

[music playing]

Hey, handsome.

Hey.

It's Jessie, right?

You may remember me from that rather awesome sexual encounter

20 minutes ago.

You know, it does ring a bell, yes.

- Ready for round two? - What?

So soon?

I don't know if I can-- wait.

Nope.

We're good.

[thumping noise]

OK.

That is a mood killer.

The noise? Oh, don't worry about it.

My dad usually finishes pretty fast.

What?

Is something wrong?

No.

I'm just trying to think of a stronger word for ew.

He's just hanging a picture.

That's an interesting euphemism.

No.

He and Mom, you know, they're just rearranging the artwork,

reworking the decor.

Been going on for years.

OK.

Tom, I want you to stop for a minute

and think about what you're saying.

Oh, I'm sorry, son.

Did we wake you?

I was just hanging a picture. Come on.

Back to bed now.

Phew.

Just hanging a picture, son.

Come on.

Off to bed.

Woo.

Oh.

Oh.

Uh big Picasso, little nail.

Oh my god.

My parents have sex.

Remind me to talk to you about the Tooth Fairy someday.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Can't we find a way that we can be together?

Is there any way that we can be together?

And oh by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Uh-huh.

Pass the ketchup there, please, honey.

Try banging it, dear.

Harder.

Don't stop.

It's coming.

Ah, there we go.

You want your banana?

Yeah.

I'll split it with you.

You know what?

I'm starving.

Just give it to me.

Pass the salt, please.

OK.

Get a room.

Tom.

What's with you?

Tom's just upset because--

Jessie.

We heard you this morning hanging pictures.

- Oh. - I'm sorry.

I know it's awkward. - Don't be silly.

It's perfectly natural.

Your mother's right.

Salt, please, honey.

Sorry.

Aren't you embarrassed?

Why?

We're married.

You're married.

What's the big deal?

It's not like we don't hear you guys.

Ugh.

Are you full, Tom?

Yeah.

Let's go with that.

132.

Minus 11.

Good.

Wow.

You seems to be really enjoying her new tutoring job, huh?

It's not the job.

I think our little girl's got her first crush.

- What? - Mm-hm.

Don't be ridiculous.

She's 12 years old.

Do you have any more ginger snaps?

They're for Adam.

I'm just gonna go and read something.

Excuse me.

So do you think your boyfriend would

like some milk with these?

He is not my boyfriend.

Our relationship is purely professional.

And I would appreciate if you didn't

start any unfounded rumors.

And yet you put on your favorite blouse

before he came over.

It's my business attire.

All right.

Whatever you say.

Mom.

It's OK.

He can't hear me winking, honey.

Ugh.

And that, my friend, is the best part of being a judge.

Dad.

Don't you have to file a tort or something?

Yeah. Yeah.

OK?

Hey, baby.

What are you doing?

A Sudoku puzzle.

What do you think I'm doing?

Sorry.

I--

Everything OK?

Yeah.

It's just kind of hot in here.

Easy fix.

What now?

Sorry.

It's just there's a "Sudsey and Jake" marathon on TV tonight.

All right, Tom. What is it?

Well, it's this show about these two brothers

who run a car wash, and--

No.

I've never seen you turn down sex for vintage sitcoms.

OK.

It's my parents.

But it's totally quiet.

No one's hanging any pictures.

I know.

But doesn't it bother you that it doesn't bother

them that we're having sex?

I thought it was a good thing.

But they're so cool about it.

What do you want them to do?

Keep us in separate cages?

We're married.

Why does everybody keep saying that?

Sorry.

OK.

Let's try this. - Yeah?

Yeah.

We watch the first couple episodes of "Sudsey and Jake,"

see how we feel.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Sure, baby.

What's up?

Have you and Dad ever had a slow period?

Your father does everything slow.

Can you be a little more specific?

I meant in the bedroom.

Oh, sex.

Well, yeah, sure, sometimes.

But then we discover some new mind-blowing position.

Oh, here.

Let me show you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mom.

What?

You asked.

I guess I thought you'd dress it up a little.

You've been living with the Bellows far too long.

Fine.

Truth is that men like to be seduced

just as much as us girls do.

Really?

Sure.

So don't be afraid to use the old standbys,

like music, rose petals, sensual massage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Father within earshot.

Just talking about sex.

Yeah.

With our Jessie, our little Jessie.

With our big Jessie, our big married Jessie.

You can at least use a euphemism.

Like hanging pictures?

Exactly.

What?

You know, Phil, sometimes you can be just as much

of a tightass as Ben.

Actually, Ben's OK with us having sex.

That's because he's a crazy, right wing demagogue.

But in this case, wouldn't that make you--

He's a crazy, right wing demagogue.

Your father's not comfortable when

people step out of their roles.

(GASPING) You know what?

Role-playing.

Yeah.

Hey, Adam.

Oh, hey.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

Is it possible that you and I are like, you know, a thing?

Yes.

Killed the dwarf.

Were you saying something?

Nothing.

Listen, Wendy.

I think it would be best if you don't tutor me anymore.

You do?

Yeah I mean thanks for everything.

I appreciate it.

Adam?

Was it something I said?

No.

More like something your dad said.

You listen up, Casanova.

I've already got one kid married at 18.

I'm not looking to break any records.

You got me? - What are you talking about?

I'm talking about my daughter.

Back off or else.

I'm a judge, you know.

I can make things.

Like say your father cheated on his taxes a few years ago.

Got the case thrown out.

Boom.

Back on like Donkey Kong.

Three to five in the clink.

Know what I'm saying?

Dad.

Oh.

And that, my friend, is the best part of being a judge.

[inaudible]

I'm gonna kill him.

Wendy, you can't kill a judge.

He'll send you to prison for sure.

Homework assignment, find the flaw in your last sentence.

What?

Oh.

Nailed it.

Can we not talk about nailing things

for the next little while?

Ah, dude, can you just let it go?

So your parents do it.

Your mom's pretty hot.

First of all, shut up.

Second of all, that's not the point.

And third of all, shut up.

You know what'll help you get past this?

Time machine.

Practice.

You've gotta get back in the game.

You know, strap on the old suit.

Go deep or go home, if you get what I'm--

I get it.

Don't worry.

I got my own plan.

What's that?

Avoid sex altogether.

Are you out of your mind?

You're 18.

Well, we've had sex like dozens of times.

Maybe she's over it.

You just play with me to make yourself feel better,

don't you? - Pretty much.

Hey there, quarterback.

Ow.

Great game.

Wow.

Great outfit.

You look a bit stiff.

Need a rubdown?

OK This cheerleader thing is seriously doing it for me.

Not sure about the flower petals or the techno, but whatever.

I had trouble committing to a theme.

Eclectic works.

Best idea you've ever had.

Score one for Mom.

What?

Nothing.

You talked to your mother?

Who else was I supposed to ask?

I don't know.

Post a question online.

Ask the creepy guy who hangs out by the bus station.

Anybody.

Why is it such a big deal?

It's bad enough my parents are OK with our sex life.

But now your parents are too?

Tom, it's not as bad as you think.

Oh, how delightful that our children are fornicating.

Indeed.

At least we don't have to hide it anymore.

But that's the point.

Where's the fun?

The danger?

The feeling we're getting away with something?

We're not egging someone's house, Tom.

We're having sex.

If it makes you feel any better, my dad is

totally freaked by the thought.

Really?

I can't believe we're actually doing this.

I can't believe we've never thought of it before.

What if he catches us? - Oh, he won't.

He won't be back for hours.

Besides, I made sure to bolt the door, pull the blinds, and--

You're not very good at this game, are you?

Right.

He could be back any minute.

Oh, Tom, I'm so worried.

What if he walks through the door right now?

[door creaks]

Hi, Daddy.

What is that smell?

Butoxyethanol.

That can't be good for the environment.

Screw the environment.

There.

I said it.

All right.

Don't you think that you're going just a little overboard

here, Phil?

You couldn't understand unless you were there.

It's like Vietnam, man.

You weren't in Vietnam.

Oh, wasn't I?

This is [inaudible] We got Charlie over the [inaudible]..

Mom, I need more pudding.

MOM: No, Philip, you've already had three.

OK.

I wasn't.

But I know that this is worse.

Oh, come on, Phil.

Surely a part of your brain knew that Tom

and Jessie were having sex.

Yes.

Just not the eyes part.

Well, you're gonna have to get over it.

Don't you think I'm trying?

I've already gone through a half a tray of brownies.

Those are from Judith.

There is nothing in them.

Weird.

Because I'm seeing colors here.

It's the butoxyethanol.

Yeah.

Most likely, yeah.

Please, just try and get past this.

I'm sure Jessie has.

Do you think this could pull off a full frontal lobotomy?

You were the ones who wanted to get caught.

No.

We like the threat of getting caught.

There's a difference.

I don't understand what you guys were

doing there in the first place.

Yeah.

Sex doesn't have to be dirty or illicit to be good.

[laughter]

Yeah, right.

This isn't funny, guys.

It's like the time you and I snuck into an R-rated movie.

How is this like "Goat Fraternity?"

At first, it was forbidden, like we were

getting away with something.

But then when nobody cared, it wasn't fun anymore.

What are you, nuts?

Those guys are running a fraternity for goats.

I wish my father were a goat.

Well, there's something you don't hear every day.

This sucks. We can't do it at home.

We can't do it at your parents' place.

Well, where'd you guys have sex before you got married?

Behind the shed.

Oh, so why not do a little reboot?

Go back to where the magic began?

[music playing]

Please let me love you like I once loved you.

Why can't we start again?

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Oh my god.

I remember that jacket.

So what's the occasion?

Oh, I don't know.

Tom and Jessie are out.

Wendy's at her fencing practice.

And I thought maybe, maybe we could--

I don't know-- hang a picture right here for a change.

You know how I love to redecorate.

Do you?

Did you threaten Adam?

Oh, good, you're home early.

Answer the question.

Yes, Ben, answer the question.

Ow.

Did you threaten Wendy's boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend.

I didn't threaten him, OK?

What did you say?

Ben, what did you say?

Oh, for the love of--

I made a little joke. OK?

He must've taken it the wrong way.

That's all. - That's great, Dad.

You just keep on being funny.

And I'm gonna grow old and alone,

like one of those "Grey Gardens" ladies

with the cats and the raccoons.

Never let her watch that movie, huh?

Anyway, where were we?

Ah.

Benjamin Herbert Bellow, I don't know what you did.

But you better undo it, or you won't be hanging

any more pictures again.

I-- oh.

A man can't stare at blank walls forever, Judith.

Is the coast clear?

No, Tom, your dad's out gardening in the dark.

You really don't get this game, do you?

Sorry.

Yeah.

I think our old spot's over here.

No.

I think it's over here.

Ow.

Thorns.

Oh, that's all part of the adventure.

Ah.

Was there always a nail there?

Let's just lie down here.

OK.

Oh, Tom?

What?

I think I'm lying on a pine cone.

Or is it petrified dog crap?

It's not petrified.

Ugh.

Ew.

NARRATOR (ON TV): Stay tuned for the "Sudsey

and Jake" marathon, 14 straight hours of nonstop '80s hilarity.

[knocking]

Adam's here.

Adam is here.

Adam, what a pleasant surprise.

What brings you to our neck of the street?

You called my mum, and she made me come over?

Oh, love that dry wit of yours.

Wendy, your amusing little friend is here.

There he is.

- Whoa. - Hi.

[inaudible]

We'll just leave the two of you alone.

Hm?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

So are we back on?

Back on like Donkey Kong.

What's Donkey Kong?

I was hoping you'd know.

Mom, Dad, I can still see you.

Pass the ketchup, please.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Squeeze bottle.

No need to bang it.

That's handy.

Sure is.

Banana?

Oh, no, thank you.

So Carter and Ava wanna have dinner with us tomorrow night.

Oh, good.

I like them. - Yes.

Yeah, they're fun.

Mm.

OK, Tom.

I can't take it anymore.

It's like we've gone from 18 to 80 overnight.

What am I supposed to say?

It's not my fault you ruined our sex life.

I ruined our sex life?

You're the one who decided we can't

do it unless it's a dirty secret we have to hide from the world.

It doesn't have to be a secret.

I just hate that ever since we got married,

it became so acceptable.

Oh, so it's not that you don't want to have sex.

It's that you don't want to be married.

I never said that.

I'm just a horrible, sex-crazed wife, huh?

Are you making jokes about me down at the bowling alley?

You're not so perfect.

Maybe if you didn't feel the need

to talk about sex at the table with my parents,

we wouldn't be in this mess.

Who else am I gonna talk to?

It seems they're the only adults living in this house.

Are you calling me a child?

Ugh.

Are you paying for my dry cleaning?

Are you wearing a new bra?

Are you gonna keep asking questions?

Or are you gonna find out for yourself?

Wow.

How you doing, baby?

Well, I've been thinking about it.

And I decided our little girl's all grown up,

so I might as well accept it.

Well, I think that is very mature.

Thank you.

But did you really have to burn the Barcalounger

Yes.

Yes, I did.

What?

Just seeing the fire reflecting in your eyes

reminds me of that time we made love

al fresco in Yellowstone Park.

Oh, yeah.

You kept calling yourself Old Faithful.

That was funny.

Yeah.

No, not really.

But I was drunk.

That was sensational.

Ready for round two?

Ha ha.

Not so soon.

Not sure I can-- oh, we're good.

We're good.

We're good.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Sorry.

Mm.

Ain't happening.

Good night, dear.

[clapping]

Wow.

Incredible.

Who knew makeup sex could actually trump the shed?

Guess that means there's still new territory to mine.

Speaking of new territory, let's say

we go for a three-peat.

[thumping noise]

Don't worry, honey.

I'm comfortable with what's going on downstairs.

A little to the left, dear.

Done.

[music playing]

Ow.

Now when your soul's on fire, I found out

you can't put out the flame.

No.

Come on now, people.

Tonight's the night.

Everybody, you're gonna feel all right.

This here's a party.

Just take a look around.

From wall to wall, people getting down.

Come on now, people.

You got no excuse.

Tonight we're gonna-- we're gonna raise the roof.

On this side of town, hey, you gotta get on down.

Good god.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0