Original subtitles

[music playing]

So Jessie, how do like the matzah ball soup?

Needs some bacon bits.

She's kidding.

Oh, I know that.

Joking is in our DNA.

In fact, some of the greatest comedians of all time

are Jewish.

Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Jerry Lewis--

Hey, Lady!

He's a convert.

You know, Jessie, there's probably a lot

that you could learn about our people.

Great!

Have your people call my people.

See, you're a natural.

You guys do know that there's no way I would ever convert--

Converse about something like this

without keeping an open mind.

So you'll both come for dinner next Friday night?

Why?

Because, I've invited Rabbi Goldstein.

Who is that?

That's the rabbi who converted your father.

Ben, are you OK?

Matzah ball went down the wrong way.

Excuse me.

What's the technical term for divorced Jewish woman?

JESSIE: What?

A plaintiff.

Yeah, hi, is just Pinsky's deli?

Yeah, hi.

Do you have brisket?

Great.

What about smoked meat?

Wonderful.

Look, here's an odd little question.

If a fella doesn't actually go through

with a ceremonial circumcision, do you think he'd

still be considered Jewish?

Hello?

Hello?

How's it hanging, buddy?

How's what hanging?

Nothing hanging.

What'd you hear?

Hear?

Tunes-- Grand Funk Railroad.

Oh yeah, and that bit about you not being technically Jewish,

and your whole life being a lie.

That's some kind of wonderful.

Oh, yeah.

[theme music]

I'm just saying, you come right out and say you

never converting, there's going to be a huge drama with my mom.

Tom, if I don't press a crease in my jeans,

there's huge drama with your mom.

Just play along, she'll ease up.

So you want me to let her think

this is even a possibility?

That doesn't solve anything, that just

delays the inevitable.

Yes.

But the inevitable takes so much longer when it's delayed.

But isn't that so disrespectful to your religion?

Disrespectful to the rabbi? Maybe.

But the religion?

Solid.

It's just a white lie.

Uh, it's not even white.

Translucent.

Are you sure about this?

I'm sure.

Well, I guess the odd translucent lie won't hurt us.

As long as we're honest with each other.

Yeah.

I'm late for history.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey, Carter.

Thanks for the props.

So when are you going to tell your wife

you dropped out of college?

When are you going to tell your parents you're stupid?

Really?

Is that the best you can do?

Sorry, I got a lot on my mind.

There, just make sure you keep it over the seat belt. Hmm?

God, did you put a crease in this thing?

Hey.

How are my favorite Jewish neighbors doing this morning?

What is he on about?

BEN: Probably about his fifth beer

of the day by the looks of him.

Bye, dear.

You listen to me, Hill.

I happen to know that you eat Big Macs and burn the wrappers.

So if you don't want your vegan wife to find out about it,

I'd shut your meat hole.

What are you so ashamed of Ben?

No one's going to blame you for not wanting a chunk

of your chorizo chopped off.

I am circumcised, OK.

I just didn't go through with the ceremonial bris

where they use a needle to extract a drop of blood

from your--

[gibberish]

So you're afraid of a little prick, so to speak.

It's not funny, OK.

The only other person that knows that I'm not really Jewish,

a rabbi, no less, is coming over next week.

Heck, I don't even know if my marriage

is legit under Jewish law.

Oh, Living in sin.

We are not living in sin.

At least, I don't think we are.

I got to find out, so I have something to placate Judith.

PHIL: Hey, you know, I've got an old college

buddy in Boston who's some kind of Judaic scholar.

I could hit him up for some info.

You'd do that?

For a price.

Look at you, perfecting your cool bar moves between classes.

Yeah, Tom.

How do you find the time?

I don't know, but I do.

Welp, I gotta get home to study,

but I was thinking maybe you could catch a flick later.

Ah, no, I can't.

I gotta work late.

In class-- anthropology--

I have a late anthropology class.

There's gotta be a faster way to say that.

But I'll call you later, OK?

Bye.

And to think, you quit school to make your life easier.

It is easier, OK.

I couldn't hack the double shifts and class.

So don't do double shifts.

Oh, yeah, so then Jessie and I'll just live in my parents

attic til we're 50.

Even if you work triple shifts,

you'll be there til your 50.

But I'm due for a raise. Right Leroy?

Well, the fact that you're my worst employee,

it doesn't look good.

But please, keep talking to your friend on company time.

You know how we feel about organized religion.

It is the root of all conflict.

The tool of the oppressor.

The-- the--

Opiate of the masses.

Exactly.

Mom.

Jessie, we raised you to be non-judgemental.

So then, why are you judging them?

I am not letting you go through with this.

- But I already said, yes - Fine.

Then we're coming with you.

There's no chance that your coming to this dinner.

We'll sit in quiet protest.

Fine.

On a lawn.

Go ahead.

With signs, megaphones.

I'll call Judith.

Phil, you in here?

PHIL: You get it?

Gah.

Yes, I got it.

Sweet Jesus.

Pinsky's smoked meat.

This baby, kosher?

Why, do you care, you're not Jewish?

Neither of you.

Been waiting to use that all day.

Yeah, it's got that new joke smell.

My woman's got spies everywhere.

OK, come on, a deal's a deal, let's have it.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, about that.

Ah, OK, what now?

Well, here I am, keeping a secret that

could tear apart the very fabric of your life,

and you get me a sandwich?

Good god, did you have to buy a whole cow?

It's half a cow.

As long as Tara doesn't find out I'm

storing this glorious beast in your freezer,

you're own meat is safe from exposure.

Here we go.

Woo, doggie.

All right, let's have it.

My buddy e-mailed me all the deets this morning.

And everything you need to know is in there.

Doesn't help me much, does it?

I know.

You're screwed.

Nothing like the smell of deception.

Let's get one thing straight here, OK.

My lie is a one shot deal.

Phil may perjure himself for a brisket,

but we Bellow's are as honest as Abe Lincoln on truth serum.

Sorry, Jess, anthropology's running long.

Again?

BEN (ON PHONE): We're studying erosion.

In real time.

But isn't that geology?

Got to go.

Love you.

Shouldn't you be in class?

No, I'm skipping.

Which you could be doing, too, if you hadn't drop out.

You're an idiot.

So how long do you think you can keep this up?

Til I can figure something out.

CARTER: OK, so the end of time, then.

Ah, I see you've decided to be a jerk about this.

It's not a choice, Tom.

It's the way I was born.

Just like the way women are born to dig up every dark secret

we've ever buried.

I will tell her this weekend, OK.

Take her to a four star restaurant.

You can't solve this via Olive Garden.

Besides, what happens when the school

mails the tuition refunds?

Your dad will find out, and it's game over.

The refunds were released on Monday.

They won't hit our mailbox til Thursday.

I just have to beat my dad to the mail.

Dude.

Today is Thursday.

Leroy, you gotta cover for me.

Let me think about it.

No.

I'm asking you as a friend.

If you don't let me go, my marriage is done.

And I'm answering you as your boss.

You walk out that door, you're fired.

Oh, this is awkward.

Your marriage, or your job.

Sweetie.

Rabbi Goldstein called.

He's heading out of town, so he can't

make it to dinner next week.

Oh, there is a god.

And the rabbi must be busy with said deity.

So instead, I asked him if he could

make it to dinner tonight.

And he said, yes.

Here comes my famous kugel.

[music playing]

Hello, Tom.

Looking for this?

To Phil, re neighbor's genitalia.

As your friend, Ben, never went through

with the ceremonial circumcision--

No, no, that's the wrong letter. goddamnit.

You quit college.

Hmm.

You've been lying to us all.

I've been lying?

You're not even Jewish.

That is none of your business.

What were you thinking?

You might as well stab your mother in the heart.

Or prick you in the--

Stay on the topic at hand.

Bill Gates never went to college.

Warren Buffett never went to college.

They both did, genius.

Something you would probably learn, if you

actually went to college.

Please don't tell mom, I haven't even told Jessie yet.

There's one thing, I was hoping you would learn,

and that is that honesty is the anchor for any good marriage.

Where was I supposed to learn that dad?

From you?

BEN: Oh.

Judith, I thought you were shopping?

I forgot my purse.

Ah, here-- What's going on here boys?

Absolutely nothing.

Gee fellas, who died?

Me.

In about 10 minutes.

Rabbi Goldstein's on his way.

Yeah, I heard.

Tara got us an invite.

Front row seats, right in the splash zone.

Splash zone.

Yeah, yuck it up chuckleheads.

If I go down, I'm bringing both of you with me.

What does that mean?

It means, that I'm going to be telling your wife

about the slab of beef in my freezer,

and your wife about the slab of beef that just quit college.

Here he is.

The end is nigh.

Well, he's mad old.

Maybe he won't recognize you.

Benjamin Bellow.

I'd recognize that face anywhere.

Of course, it wasn't your face that I saw last, was it?

Hey, wait a minute.

You never finished your conversion,

you can't be the man that married Judith.

He's not.

I am.

Hi. Phil.

Judith's husband.

Pleased to meet you.

Shazam.

Ben was kind enough to set us up on a date,

and the rest, as they say, is history.

Oh, boy.

What a mitzva.

Oh, huge mitzva.

And to think, that Ben's daughter, Jessie,

married my son, Tom, over here.

Oh hey, Tom, why don't you take the rabbi

and show him the garden.

Oh good. Yeah.

That would be great.

Come rabbi, follow me.

Are you high?

A little.

Yeah.

But this isn't about me.

This is about you, and saving your marriage, and my meat.

All we have to do is keep up the illusion till after dinner.

This has got to be the dumbest idea you've ever had.

A, this is not the dumbest idea I've ever had.

And B, what was the other thing you said?

Here comes the rabbi.

Hello.

Oh, Tara.

Thank, god.

I was afraid you take horribly ill and not be able to make it.

Oh look, paper plates and plastic cutlery.

Classy and wasteful.

It just so happens that the rabbi keeps kosher,

and we do not.

It's a religious observance.

Good to know the trees you kill to go to heaven.

We brought cookies for dessert.

There were more, but dad ate them,

and then claimed it wasn't him.

Thank you, Jesse.

Why don't you and your refugee friend set the table.

Why are you trying to brainwash my daughter?

Tara, I am merely trying to expose her

to a different way of thinking.

I mean, she's an open minded, intelligent girl just like--

well, there must be somebody.

What was Phil's mother like?

Right this way, rabbi.

Welcome to my humble home.

Well, I'm delighted to be here.

And what are they doing?

They're making room for appetizers.

And may I say, rabbi, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

I made it out of clay.

Come my friend the rabbi, the kitchen's right this way.

You remember Judith, of course?

Of course, I do.

How are you my dear?

You don't look a day older.

Good to see you again, rabbi.

RABBI: Thank you.

And Phil's quite the handful.

To say nothing of his wife.

This is Tara.

RABBI: I see Ben's taste in women, remains exquisite.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, for gracing us with your presence here and--

oh, this is our little Jessie.

Great.

Hi.

I'm sorry Wendy couldn't be here this evening,

she's at a young conservative's rally.

Would you excuse me?

And who is Wendy?

She's my--

She's my sister.

She's his sister.

Tom's sister, Wendy.

I'm off the clock Phil, so why don't you do the blessings.

Oh, you do realize he's not--

Prepared.

Not-- I mean, formally prepared.

But, he's always up for a blessing.

You see, Jessie, this is how they rope us in.

To a-- delicious meal, which, of course, can't begin until

Phil leads us in a blessing.

Berakhota.

I would be honored to do the blessings.

God almighty, thank you for this bountiest bounty.

Baklava.

Put on your yarmulke.

Here comes Hanukkah.

[inaudible]

You and I are going to have a little chat

after dinner aren't we, Phil?

Let's eat.

RABBI: Oh, Phil, be a mensch, will

you and pass the gefilte fish.

Ah, the gefilte fish, right away.

Here we are, rabbi, the gefilte fish.

RABBI: So, Jesse, I understand that you're

considering doing that which your father

could not bring himself to do.

Pilates?

Funny this one.

No, no, no, Judith said you've expressed

an interest in our faith.

Actually, I think she expressed that interest for me.

OK, I just have to get this out there.

It is possible to live a life without being

bound by a religion.

If you like to drift around aimlessly,

with no direction or purpose.

Can we talk about something else?

Tom, how's college?

Well, it's-- really college-y.

It's got lots of books and lectures.

Whoa, the lectures.

All right.

Jesse, is not converting.

Oh, come on, darling, now is not the time to get into it.

No, now, actually is the time.

What mom's saying is that, while I respect your religion,

I'm not really comfortable with the intention of this dinner.

TOM: Which is precisely why we should

get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

TARA: You know, some of us here believe,

that religion has wreaked havoc the world over.

Isn't that right, Phil?

Not this cowboy.

I like my religion the way I like my women, organized.

Tara, what did you put in those cookies?

Let's discuss something a little less controversial--

Yes.

--puppies, or musicals--

How about talking snakes?

Huh?

I mean apparently they're real, according

to the Torah, right, rabbi?

Darling.

Darling?

I believe these snakes are a metaphor.

TOM: Who wants more knishes?

Knish me.

Ben.

Ben.

Kitchen, now.

How much alcohol's in kosher wine?

MONICA: Did somebody say wine?

Monica, what are you doing here?

I need daddy to fix a speeding ticket.

Well, he's kinda busy right now, so.

What have we here?

Nothing, so.

Feel free to go.

Relax little brother.

I can wait all night.

I'm not comfortable with displays of affection

in front of the rabbi.

Well, you are acting ridiculous.

And you're not setting a very good example for Tom.

You're more right than you know.

What?

Judith, you mean the world to me.

You know that, right?

You know, I've settled a lot of disputes

between in-laws in my days.

Maybe I should help.

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, uh, if we did everything for those crazy kids, how would

they ever learn.

Tom.

Porch.

Now.

They're big on the private meetings.

I'll have some of the gentle fish.

It's gefilte fish.

Ah, geneffa fish.

I swear, nothing's going on.

I'm releasing that picture of you on the internet.

What picture?

That's just it.

You're not going to know until it's out there.

OK, OK, OK, Dad's not really Jewish,

Phil's pretending to be married to Mom,

and I dropped out of college without telling anyone.

And I lost my job.

I feel suddenly vested with great power.

No, Monica, look, I'm begging you.

If you have any love for Dad or me, at all,

you can't Rabbi Goldstein know that Dad didn't

go through with his bris.

Oh, Tom, please, what kind of manipulative, self-serving

bitch do you think I am?

Ben, Rabbi Goldstein hasn't had any kosher sausage yet.

Why are you calling him Ben?

At least I think they're kosher.

You never can tell from the outside, huh?

Monica, I'm sorry, would you help me look for my fork,

please?

If you know what I think you know you'll keep a lid on it.

Two weeks, with my friends, at our time share in Palm Springs.

JUDITH: You're just saying that.

RABBI: Would I lie--

One.

Week and a half.

One.

Her Final offer.

JUDITH: Rabbi, you're making me blush.

Enjoying the sausages, rabbi?

RABBI: I love kishka.

It's my favorite.

Would you like some, young lady?

No, thank you.

You know what I like?

Cocktail wieners.

The ones that they serve at parties with the toothpicks

jammed right into them.

Week and a half.

Hey, rabbi?

You know what I've always been curious about?

What?

The bris.

That's what you've always been curious about?

Mhm.

Please, explain it rabbi.

Two.

More knishes here--

Save some for me.

I've decided I want three for myself.

- Over my dead body. - He's right.

Better watch those carbs.

Rabbi. Bris.

Describe.

Well, it's not exactly dinner conversation,

but what the heck.

First, I cross a section of the skin with a hemostat.

Then, I pull a foreskin up over the clamp

and push it through a hole in the base.

And then I tighten up the clamp.

I just didn't want him to puncture my penis,

Is that so wrong?

Rabbi, I married Judith, not Tara.

Tom is my kid, not Jessie.

Judith, I'm sorry I chickened out.

I forged the convergence certificate.

I'm not officially Jewish.

Which means, you're not officially married.

Someone's not getting any tonight.

He's storing meat in my freezer.

You're doing what?

No, I--

Tom quit school.

Whoa.

Yeah, and got fired from the juice bar.

You quit school?

And got fired from the juice bar.

Yeah, well, she has no intention of converting,

never did.

Oh, god.

Well, is there anyone else, who has anything to confess?

It is I that ate the cookies.

Best family dinner, ever.

L'chaim.

Please don't hate me for quitting school.

I think my parents suffocating guilt is punishment enough.

I don't hate you.

I'm just extremely disappointed slash

annoyed with you, for a period of time

that has yet to be determined.

Also, I kind of hate you.

But?

I'm sorry, Tom, but that was a pretty boneheaded thing to do.

I know, it's just, I couldn't handle school

and work at the same time.

So I chose the one that would get us out of here faster.

And then you got fired.

Well, the plan had some holes.

I can't believe our punishment is to clean out the freezer.

Who knew mold could grow in subzero temperatures.

Well, we should count ourselves lucky

our wives didn't leave us.

At least you got free meat.

How are you doing over there, buddy?

I feel my punishment does not fit my crime.

Ah, look on the bright side, we got off easier than my dad.

Ah!

RABBI: Oh, quiet Benjamin, I haven't even done it yet.

OK.

OK.

It's done.

[theme music]

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