Original subtitles

[tv in background]

What are you doing?

Trying to watch the hockey game.

You'll see it better if you stand in front of the screen.

Oh, hilarious.

Anything?

I think those are hockey players.

I would have said hobbits.

See, now this bothers me.

I know.

I wish we could afford cable, too.

But-- JESSIE: Not that.

We got a letter addressed to Mr. And Mrs. Tom Bellow.

Oh, cool.

Out first mail as husband and wife.

Yeah.

Or in this case, husband and some woman with no name of her

own. - No, you're right.

You're right.

It's an outrage.

Some people just make me sick.

Oh, fuzzy!

Who's Charles Bellow, anyway?

It's from Uncle Charlie?

He's the best.

Please.

He is obviously one of those dinosaurs

who believes women belong in the kitchen

darning butter and churning socks, or however that goes.

He sent us a wedding check for $3,000.

Good old Uncle Charlie!

[music playing]

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Can we find a way that we could be together?

Is there anyway that we could be together?

And oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

MAN: OK, buddy.

You're all set.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

New wife within earshot.

You two are married?

Congrats.

When's the baby due?

I'm not pregnant.

Oh.

Check out this cable package.

Linen Network?

Fast Food Network.

MTV Latin?

Do we really need all these channels?

And the Design Channel too?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Sumo wrestling in HD, Jess.

We're finally adults.

Did we score a deal on this or what?

Yeah. We still got money left over.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- "Family Guy" box set. - Leather couch.

Did I see a TV delivery truck outside?

Or we could put it in a bank so we can move out of here.

Whoa, joint account.

Are you sure we're ready for that?

Come on, Tom. I want to watch Bill O'Reilly!

Yeah, ready.

OK.

[music playing]

Benjamin Herbert Bellow.

What?

Were you looking at Tara's behind?

No, don't be ridiculous.

- You were! - I was--

I saw. Ben.

I was not. Stop, stop, stop.

You were!

Were you checking out my woman, Ben?

No! I mean, shut up.

Caught with your hand in the cookie jar, huh?

Well, I can't blame you.

That is one fine behind.

It is not.

I mean, I was, I was--

I mean, shut up.

Hey, guys.

Was Ben checking me out?

Oh, for the love--

Phil, you are an ass.

Well, you are the expert.

So, um, how much do you work out, Tara?

Or is it genetic?

Genetics?

No.

I bust my ass at Aero Box.

Major calorie burner.

Oh, my god.

You know what?

You should come and try a class with me.

Well, I actually have a pretty intensive routine myself.

It's called Bodise.

[music playing]

Never trust a class with an exclamation mark in the title.

Nice one, honey.

What, like you've ever been to a gym.

It's not my fault guys don't have to work out.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying it's different for dudes.

We can be hunkie in our middle years without trying.

For once, Phil has a point.

I mean, look at Sean Connery.

You know what?

That is such a sexist attitude.

We don't make the rules.

We just enjoy them.

We enjoy being healthy.

So yes, Tara, I would love to join you.

Great.

Oh, dammit, Phil!

What-- is that your beer bottle?

Just leave it.

A joint account?

Oh.

All right.

So just a few signatures, and then you two

will be joined together in holy matri-money.

Money.

Get it?

Anyway, um, this is a very mature decision

that you two are making.

When I look at you kids, I think that there

is hope for the future and for your little one right there.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh.

Well, so this is the breakdown of the money in the account.

Tom, I took what was left of your uncle's gift

and the money from your old paper route

and your bar mitzvah, et cetera.

And it comes to a grand total of $3,425.

Nice.

And Jessie's contribution is $27.50.

Almost 3 grand, babe.

Nice.

Actually, no, no. $27.50.

Oh.

See, I knew we weren't ready for a joint account.

Who cares who puts in what?

No, what's mine is yours, all right?

Sorry.

Thank you.

Hey, why don't we celebrate our new account by going

for a nice, juicy steak?

Steak Steak.

Isn't that a bit-- - Oh, no.

Don't worry.

It's on me.

I'll have to ask my wife, but that sounds nice.

[music playing]

INSTRUCTOR: Jab, cross, hook, up the knees.

Snap, snap, back kick.

Jab, hook, hook, on the knees.

Snap.

How long is this class supposed to be?

Two hours.

How much longer do we have?

Two hours.

It's just the warm-up.

Judith?

Oh, my god.

Are you OK?

JUDITH: Am I lying down, or are you?

Guess what this is?

A really thin-crust pizza.

A gift from my dad.

A Grateful Dead album signed by Bob Weir.

Who's Bob Weir?

Well, you know how there was Jerry

Garcia and the other guys?

Uh-huh.

He was one of the other guys.

[tv in background]

Why are your sister and my parents' refugee here?

They're watching Spanish telenovela.

How much was the album, Jess?

Hopefully not as much as the singing

lessons you got your mom?

You can't put a price on dreams.

Can you try?

Fine.

It was $200.

That's outrageous.

Yeah, a little.

Hector's a woman.

Wait.

I got to see this.

Great workout, guys!

Yeah.

You know something?

I'm really impressed.

It's only been a week, but you've really improved.

Yeah.

One day, I may even finish a session.

Hey, I lost a pound.

Ha.

Almost lost three.

Let's say you and I celebrate, hmm, with

a post-workout cool down, hmm?

What is this, some sort of flaky Bodise thing?

Yeah, something like that.

Two martinis straight up, easy on the vermouth, three olives.

You know, I don't normally drink after a workout.

The calories are killer.

Make it two olives, hmm?

Yeah, and if that wasn't enough,

she bought me some kind of extreme waste

paper basket for 120 bucks.

Hey, I know people who would kill for a trash [inaudible]..

Yeah, well, the woman's out of control, Carter.

You want to know what's out of control?

This chick I'm seeing.

Dude, I think I'm in love.

Great.

Because I was hoping we could make

this conversation about you.

Oh, great. 'Cause listen, I really want you to meet her.

Huh?

Her name's Jane or Jen.

Janice?

Seriously?

You know what?

Names are just labels, anyway.

Why-- why are you hiding your PIN, man?

Look, I-- I know it's 80085--

boobs.

Huh?

And I'm 35007-- loose.

We're team loose boobs.

Yeah, I had to change my PIN when me and Jessie

got the joint account, OK? - Wait, what?

You-- you changed your PIN? To what?

Tomsie.

Wow.

Hey, look, it's like Brangelina, but obviously much, much worse.

It was Jessie's idea, OK?

Holy crap!

My account is down 600 bucks.

You know, I wouldn't really worry about it, Tomsie.

The bank probably just made a mistake.

Yeah, well, I have a stainless steel trash [inaudible]

at home that says otherwise.

[music playing]

Janine.

Tomsie?

What, like Brangelina?

I know.

It was Tom's idea.

And yet you're still buying him concert tickets.

Your debit card's not working.

That's not possible.

My husband and I just opened the account.

Your husband?

When are you due?

I'm not pregnant. Try it again.

Sorry.

Maybe the account's been closed.

But the only person who can close the account besides me

is--

Your husband.

You mean you're actually having sex with a guy who

comes up with Tomsie?

Oh, not anymore.

You closed our account?

What was I supposed to do?

Leather-bound encyclopedias for 300 bucks.

Have you ever heard of Wikipedia?

It's called being generous.

And they're for your father, who, may I remind you,

thinks Wikipedia is run by Wiccans.

[tv in background]

And what do we need new bedsheets for?

What's wrong with the old ones?

They have Buzz Lightyear on them.

Yeah, and they work, don't they?

Since when did you become such a penny-pincher?

Since I'm trying to save for our future.

We're 18, Tom.

We have the rest of our lives to save money.

Why not enjoy it while we can?

A silver picture frame is not my idea of enjoying money.

I bought that for you so you could hang

your degree when you graduate.

Oh.

OK, well, that's very nice.

[tv in background]

Oh, what about this skirt, hmm?

OK, that one's for me.

What, I'm not a saint.

All I'm asking is that you consult with me

before spending my money.

Your money?

For What happened to what's mine is yours?

It's all mine and no yours.

[gasp]

That's what happened.

You won't get away with this, Tom Bellow.

INSTRUCTOR: Left, right, right, right, right, left.

Jab, pump, jab, pump, left.

Pump, pump, jack.

Oh, 5 o'clock class already started.

Maybe I'll just wait for the next one, then.

I am so sorry I made us late.

Please let me make it up to you, hmm?

Well, we have a couple of hours to kill.

Hmm.

All right.

What'd you have in mind?

Oh, my god.

It has been so long since I've had full fat cheese.

I bet Phil doesn't like counting calories.

Phil doesn't like counting.

I don't know if it's the two martinis--

- Three. - Three martinis?

JUDITH: Uh-huh. - Hmm.

But I say to hell with trying to stay

young and fit while our husbands drink beer

and poke holes in their belts.

Exactly.

It is such a double standard.

Is that really the time?

Oh, yeah.

I guess we'd better leave now if we want to make the workout.

Although it's still rush hour.

Might not make it there at all.

Dessert?

With

Barkeep.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jessie

Oh, dear.

That's bad.

What?

Well, you've only been married for a month,

and you just prefaced "I love my wife"

with "don't get me wrong."

Took me years to get there.

No, it's just I don't understand

why she has to spend my money.

I mean our money.

I mean--

Son, there's an old book called "Men Are from Mars,

Women Are from Venus."

You've read that?

No, no, no, no.

I wouldn't read that crap on a bet.

No, no.

The only reason I have it was because your mother

got it for me as a gift using our money.

So what did you do?

Well, the only thing I could do.

I put her on an allowance.

How do you and mom deal with the household budget?

Well, I tell her how much money I need every week,

and she gives it to me.

So in a way, you're on an allowance.

Anyway, I have to get back to these bills here.

Doesn't Mom pay those?

Yeah, I just have to make sure they're not addressed

to Mr. and Mrs. Judith Bellow.

[music playing]

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

I came for the free juice.

I have no money, remember?

I shouldn't have closed the account.

I just want to make sure that we have a future.

I suppose.

And a future for our children.

- OK. - And our grandchildren.

Overselling.

Sorry.

Am I forgiven?

Me

You know I can't stay mad at you.

So I guess we should head back to the bank

and reopen the account.

I have a better idea.

You wrote me a check for $100?

It may not seem like a lot of money,

but you put it to good use, it'll last you to next week.

So you're putting me on an allowance.

It's not an allowance.

It's a, uh-- it's a sum of money that I

allot to you for personal and general living expenses.

What?

Nothing.

No, you're actually right.

I'm gonna put this to good use.

[music playing]

The allowance wouldn't cover new lingerie,

so I had to get a hand-me-down.

It was your mother's.

Oh.

[music playing]

Hey, little honey, I've got the money.

Let's blow it all.

Is this Spam?

Oh, no.

The allowance wouldn't cover Spam.

You're eating Spume.

Jess?

Hey, where's the toilet paper?

Sorry, allowance wouldn't cover it.

You'll have to use this.

[music playing]

There's just no end.

It's fun, yeah, you know it.

So let's go blow it all.

To girl power.

To deep-fried zucchini.

To taking everything society tells us to avoid

in the name of form-fitting jeans

and telling them to stick it.

You know, the last couple of weeks of not working

out together has been really nice,

even if I did gain five pounds.

What?

What?

You just smiled.

I didn't.

I didn't smile.

Yes, you did!

You smiled when I said that I gained five pounds!

That's crazy.

You did it again!

Oh, my god.

You did this on purpose!

Oh, my gosh.

I did.

You know what?

I thought that we were finally becoming friends.

We are! We are.

But when I saw Ben looking at your assets, something in me

just snapped.

Will you forgive me?

I guess it wasn't entirely your fault.

I mean, Ben was the one that started it.

All these years of-- of being objectified

can make a girl crazy.

I can't believe that we are still falling

into these sexist traps.

I mean, men don't have to work out.

Ooh, look at Sean Connery.

How come they never mention sexy older women, huh?

Like Sophia Loren or Isabella Rossellini?

Exactly Exactly.

God, I wish I was Italian.

All the work that we have to do!

They have no idea what it's like.

Maybe it's time they found out, hmm?

How could you return our TV?

Our TV or your TV?

I seem to have lost track of what belongs to whom.

You did this to get back at me?

No, I did this to be responsible,

just like you wanted.

So what did you do with the refund,

since you're so responsible? now?

I locked it into a five-year bond.

Five years?

Oh, don't worry.

The interest will be paid out annually.

Consider it an allowance.

This is getting good.

Hmm.

JESSIE: It's like Tom's living in the '50s.

Mhm.

Next thing, he's gonna be calling me the missus.

Oh, God.

I mean, an allowance.

Have you ever heard of anything so sexist?

Oh, yes.

Oh, my.

What's this thing?

Dad, are you even listening?

Jessie, um, don't get me wrong because I love you.

Oh, boy.

Truth is Tom isn't sexist.

Tom's right.

You're terrible with money.

You always have been.

What?

I am not.

Give me one example.

Well--

It's called a piggy bank, sweetie.

Now you can start saving money.

And I'm gonna get my big girl started right away.

[ceramic breaking]

For dolly.

Oh, my god.

You're right.

Jessie, you are a sweet, generous girl.

You're just bad at saving money, that's all.

[tires squealing]

Is that Mom?

[music playing]

Something wrong, honey?

Backstabbing, two-timing women.

That is what is wrong.

Drum circle cut off your solo again?

No No, it's Judith!

What'd she do?

She draped herself in the flag of feminism

just to get back at me for having what she doesn't.

I mean, the nerve of that woman.

You don't see me trying to sabotage her

because her house is nicer or her grass is greener

or because her husband is so ripped, do you?

Ben's ripped?

Yes, but I don't make her suffer for it, do I?

Ben is ripped?

Ugh, that Tara.

She walks around with her odorless deodorant,

her airy-fairy, come-as-you-are propaganda, when she is just

as superficial as they come.

BEN: Oh, amen to that.

Yeah I mean, all she really cares

about is her tight body, her organic clothing,

and her hunky husband.

Yeah.

I-- well, that's what--

Phil is hunky?

Well, not in a traditional sense, no.

I mean, you know, he's just got those nice, broad shoulders,

those strong arms.

Hunky, you know.

Like lift stuff.

Oh.

Can I buy the counter boy a ginger zinger?

Don't worry.

I borrowed it from my dad.

He and I had a little chat.

Oh, does he hate me now, too?

Actually, he defended you.

Turns out I've never been any good with money.

And you were right to be a jerk, even

though you weren't because this was totally my fault.

I'm sorry.

Me, too.

Does this mean you're willing to trust me with our money

again?

Can I?

You can trust the fact that I want

to save enough money so we can buy a place of our own

and build a life together.

That's really sweet, Jess.

It's from the Spanish telenovela.

But it still counts.

By the way, Tomsie is no more.

Our new pin--

80085.

Boobs!

I love it!

See, that's why I married you.

[music playing]

When that sun goes down again.

INSTRUCTOR: Jab, cross, hook, up your knees.

Snap, snap, back kick.

Jab, cross, hook, up your knees.

- Looking good, Ben. - Really?

I mean, shut up, Phil.

Up your knees.

Snap, snap, back, kick, jab, cross, hook.

Well played, Tara.

Indeed.

Should we get a bottle?

I'm in.

[music playing]

Let's blow it all.

Come on, my baby.

No if, buts, or maybes.

Let's have a ball.

Let's paint the town red with all my bread.

There's just no end.

Come on, my honey.

Let's take this money.

Let's have a ball.

Who knows how long this will last?

For now, let's have a blast.

It's fun, yeah, you know it.

So let's go blow it all.

It's fun, yeah, you know it.

So let's go blow it all.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0