Original subtitles

Well, that was fun.

Too bad nobody told us the movie was rated, suck.

OK, so I picked the wrong movie.

At least the dog was cute.

The dog died half way through.

lucky bastard.

Oh look, Carter, the newlyweds are quarreling.

Yeah, at least it's more entertaining than Chuck

and Chloe.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Jessie and Tom could be this generation's,

"When Harry Met Sally".

Tom and Jessie.

Whatever.

You said, Jessie and Tom, but, you know,

when you talk about couples, typically

the guy is listed first.

That's not true.

Yeah, It is.

Look at all the great couples, Syd and Nancy, Brad

and Angelina, Batman and Robin.

Yeah, that's not how things felt with you, dude.

Oh, Ava sits up front.

But she doesn't know the way to the rib place.

Oh, didn't we tell you, we're doing sushi.

What?

No, Tom said that we are going to Lester's House of Ribs.

I brought my wet naps.

My car, my call.

Our car, or did you forget that I paid for half?

Yeah, but I'm the one with the driver's license, sweetie.

Which, when you think about it, puts me in the driver's seat.

At least, Robin, had a say in dinner, once in a while.

To the sushi cave, Batman.

TOM: Ow.

[theme music]

I need 600 bucks.

Good morning, works too.

It's for school.

School for con artists?

Money's a bit tight right now, I promise

I will pay you back in full.

OK, it's for driving lessons.

I told you Tom, driving lessons are a sham,

like recycling and universal health care.

Let me teach you.

After what happened last time?

Rear view.

Driver's side.

Passenger.

But the manual says check your mirrors every 10 seconds.

Death travels faster than that son.

Rear view.

Driver side.

Rear view.

Passenger.

Actually, I meant the other thing that happened last time.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Are you still going on about that?

Come on, son, buck up, get over it.

Or do want your wife to chauffeur you around forever.

Well, when you put it that way, doesn't sound so bad.

A license puts you in the driver's seat,

in more ways than one.

It's the kind of thing that keeps a man like me in charge.

Feet, off the table.

Sorry, hun.

The point is, you can't let one incident

affect the rest of your life.

You gotta face the problem head on.

Why do you think I'm hitting you up for cash?

Well, I'm not paying for something

I can do better myself.

That's what you said about the plumbing.

I haven't had a hot shower in 97 days.

Well, cold showers build character.

TARA: How do we want our news?

Love to hate, or preaching to the choir.

Can you put it on 22?

I want to check the score of the game.

OK, let's go with love to hate.

Honey, the score.

But I need my daily dose of anger and outrage.

How come you always end up with the remote?

Cause your hands get too greasy, honey.

Oh, I hate this guy.

Perfect.

They still make porn in hard copy?

Uhm, studying for a history exam.

Then why the driving manual.

It's for-- history of the car.

Oh my god, you are not letting your father teach you to drive.

First of all, how do you do that?

And second, I don't really have any other choice.

Actually, you do.

I can teach you.

It'll be like that time I taught you to ride

a bike, minus the tears.

I don't need your help Jess.

Is this about what I said about my car?

Our car.

It was my cousin who sold it to us, so if anything,

it's more mine than yours.

I know wouldn't have Rizzo and Putzie.

Ah, and that's another thing.

Real men don't name their cars after supporting

characters from Grease.

In fact, real men don't name their cars.

What's gotten into you?

I'm only offering to teach you how to drive.

I've got it, Jess.

What are we hiding this time?

Nothing, actually, it's just reflexes.

What's that?

Ah.

It's a present for your mom.

It's called a Uni-click.

A universal remote so complicated,

only I will be able to control it.

What is it with men and control?

Trouble in Tom Town?

He's letting Ben teach him to drive.

Ben, as in, "turns lawyers into quivering babies", Ben.

Well, everyone has an upside.

You're missing the point.

Why can't he just turn to me?

Maybe he's embarrassed that he needs a girl

to help him with guy stuff.

This is the 21st century.

You have to admit, your driver's license does give

you more pull in this marriage.

So I'm supposed to give him the upper hand?

No, sweetie.

The trick is, you make him think he has the upper hand while you

subtly control him, remotely.

I remember this one time I wanted to play poker

with the boys, and your mother and I were

painting the kitchen that day.

So I said, I wanted a different color.

Bermuda teal, or was it Barracuda?

Since when do you care about ambiance?

Since I realized, I need to bring something

to the negotiating table.

In the end, I got my poker game.

All because I let her "win" one.

And why not just be honest with mom?

You have to handle this control stuff with kid gloves.

You have no idea what lengths some people will go to.

We're not moving.

I see that.

What do you think the problem might be?

Clutch.

No, you're on the clutch.

How about the handbrake.

My color coded system, remember.

Yup.

There you go.

Right.

Oh.

Mmhmm.

We're good.

Good first try.

I appreciate you being so patient.

Ah, no, no, we've grown a lot over the last few years, you

and I, huh?

Can you smell that?

That burning?

It's the smell of a transmission pleading for it's life!

I can't change gears when you're yelling at me.

I'm not yelling!

Handbrake, handbrake-- for the love of god!

Had you consulted my color coded system--

Ah, your Color coded system makes no sense.

OK, the air vent is the same color as the handbrake.

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

Walk away.

I guess you have no interest in getting over

that time you slammed into--

We said we would never mention that.

And I wouldn't have slammed into anything

if you hadn't been yelling!

Well, where are you going?

You gonna run home to wifey?

No.

I don't need her, don't need you, OK.

There's lots of people who could teach me.

We don't believe in fostering a new generation of drivers.

I'd sooner shotgun Drano.

What am I?

Your dad?

Just got a DUI, again.

My license is only valid in crude oil based economies.

I'm 12.

Look at you, staring at the steering wheel

all psychotic like.

I'm glad my pain so amuses.

What's going on Tom?

Why is this thing such an issue?

You wouldn't understand.

I'm your wife, try me.

When my dad taught me how to drive, there was an incident.

- You ran over your mother. - Worse.

Is a 25 foot pole not big enough?

I know what I'll do.

I'll call the city, and I'll have them install 50 foot poles

and maybe you'll see that.

Oh, I know what it was, perhaps, you

were trying to go through the hydrant and the pole,

and you missed.

TOM (VOICE OVER): I crashed into a pole,

outside Cindy McLaren's house.

I had such a big crush on her.

You know all that red hair.

JESSIE: It's a dye job.

TOM (VOICE OVER): All her friends were there,

and pointing and laughing.

It was the most humiliating moment of my life.

Well, whatever complex, you may have,

I'll help you through it.

I can't.

I can't.

I need more time.

No.

You need more space.

Why not Siberia?

It'd be less desolate.

This is where my dad taught me.

To stash bodies.

Shut up, and get it.

Easy there, Earnhardt.

Clutch down and into first.

Slow, OK.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

12th time's the charm.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Good.

OK.

Good, go to the left.

TOM: Yeah.

Yee-haw.

Not bad.

Thank you.

Hey.

TOM: I believe that's called a U-turn.

Over that way.

Maybe to the left.

I am man.

Man of car.

I am late.

Late of class.

But tonight, we'll celebrate your driving thing

by eating greasy meat products with our fingers.

Oh, hey, why don't I pick up some of those

ribs you like from Lester's?

I've never loved you more than right now.

Oh, no wait, scratch that. I have yoga tonight.

Can you pick up falafels instead?

Falafels are for girlie boys.

I'll pick up the ribs.

Yes, but you can't drive yet, sweetie.

Let's stick with the falafels, they're

within walking distance.

Love you.

Love you.

[music playing]

[horn]

[driver] Moron!

Just gonna back her up.

Oh, no.

OK.

Tom, relax.

You can figure this out.

Well, I guess you'll have to tell her.

I may as well have myself neutered.

I'm sorry, man.

I got nothing.

Wait.

Something's coming.

Hold on.

Don't talk.

Here it is.

Yes.

Dead simple.

This way she won't see it.

Great.

You bought me all of 20 seconds.

Yeah, and you say I never do anything for you.

OK, how do I get back to the last channel?

Bottom left.

No, it says zoom.

That's when you're in movie mode.

You're in TV mode, babe.

OK, so how do I go to favorites, then?

Just press mute.

OK, then, what is mute?

Mute, is now menu, unless you're in music mode, in which

case it becomes skip forward.

OK, you know what, you do it.

Are you sure?

Yeah, If your hands aren't too greasy.

You'll get used to it.

Everything's been custom designed for easy thumb access,

pending what system we're using.

Watch me find favorites without even looking.

I've only had time to program one channel.

But it's sports.

Oh, so it is.

ANNOUNCER 1 (ON TV): He's going a long way, a long way.

ANNOUNCER 2 (ON TV) Absolutely.

ANNOUNCER 1 (ON TV): This kid here, he's bigger than life,

I tell ya.

Jessie, there's something I need to--

Whatever it is can wait.

My prof kept me after class and I'm late for yoga,

and I totally forgot my mat.

I'm taking the car please, [inaudible],,

I'll be back at 10:00.

Maybe just tell her the truth, she'll understand.

Idiot, parking attendant.

Look at me.

I watch cars.

I have uniform.

How could he not see this happen?

Too busy writing his screenplay.

What's going on?

This is what's going on.

Oh.

I've been meaning to tell you, see--

wait, parking attendant? Turn

If you can call him that.

I. Can't believe this guy gets paid.

Look in our car!

So this happened at yoga?

Well, where else would this have happened?

Some people are so careless.

I'm going to make it all better, I'm going to get

those falalfels you wanted.

OK.

REPORTER (ON TV): So sheek.

She looked fabulous.

She was absolutely--

Mmm, looks delicious.

A little higher, honey.

You're the best.

TARA: So, how long are you going to let this go on for?

Until he admits he crashed my car and then lied about it.

Meanwhile, you're milking him for all the back rubs

and falafels you can get?

Is that bad?

Actually, no.

There's nothing wrong with a little manipulation.

I remember this one time, your father

and I had a fight over what color to paint the kitchen.

I wanted Cabana Green, he wanted Bermuda teal.

I needed something from the negotiating table.

Oh, really.

Yeah, so, I made him think that I didn't want him

playing poker that night, even though I

was dying for some alone time.

In the end, I got my Cabana Green.

All because I let him win one.

Devious.

No, necessary.

You want control, you have to be smart about it.

Like the way dad controls the remote?

Like the way he thinks he controls the remote.

Check it out, honey.

I just PVR'd you the Eco Channel marathon,

the Naomi Klein documentary, and every episode

of The Nature of Things.

And you thought I couldn't handle

your viewing schedule, huh?

You're the man.

God, I rock.

OK.

So, Jessie, knows that you're the one who smashed the car,

but she made up this whole story about this parking lot

attendant to make you think, that she thinks,

that it was someone else.

You know, thereby increasing your guilt.

Why would she do that?

She's playing you, man.

What?

She is not.

Oh really?

Look at you.

Making her dinner, washing her car, doing her shopping.

Jessie's not the game playing type.

You're way off base.

Am I?

Just think about it man.

Look, she knew that you were going to get this license.

She needed a counterbalance.

No.

I'm getting the groceries because she's busy at school.

And for the record, I buy what I want.

See?

Jessie prefers wholegrain kamut.

Oh, man, I'm so whipped.

OK.

You don't nip this in the butt, she's

going to stop respecting you.

It's bud.

'd'

I think it's butt, OK.

Thanks.

Look, the point is, that girls secretly

want their men in control.

I thought I asked for kamut?

Ah, change of plans.

Since, Putzie is going to the shop, and we're cabbing it,

I just realized all the cab money comes from my job

at the juice bar. - So?

So you got no cash flow, sweetie,

which, if you think about it, puts me in the driver's seat.

Have you been sniffing car wax?

I've arranged the chores by color.

Tried to divi them up fairly.

Oh, my god, you've co-opted Ben's color

coded training system.

Well, somebody's gotta take the reins.

How can you take the reins, when

you don't even have the lug nuts to admit you trashed my car.

Ah, so you admit you were playing me.

I was protecting you.

I didn't want you to freak out.

Why would I freak out?

You've been so sensitive lately.

Not asking me for help.

And that story about Cindy McLaren.

I can't believe I ever told you.

I can't believe I married such a girl.

It was better when I thought you were playing me.

Don't ask.

Did you and Jesse have a fight?

Oh, come on, Tom, it's kind of obvious.

We Bellows have a tendency to clean

during moments of tension.

Is that why our house is always so spotless?

This is about you, Tom.

For what it's worth, I say, you should have paid attention

to your father's color--

If you say, color and coded in close proximity,

I'm going to scream.

Still blaming your father?

His system made me dizzy, he wouldn't stop yelling at me.

Whatever you say, honey.

What do you mean?

When you crashed in front of that girl's house,

why do you think your father told everyone

he got dinged at the mall?

Insurance purposes.

Besides that.

He was toying with me.

Try covering for you.

But, it was his fault. Wasn't it?

I think you missed a spot.

Dad?

Since when is your poker game back on?

Since I realized your mother was controlling the TV again.

I figured, why not capitalize and bring back poker night.

Come on, Phil.

Something you wanted to ask me?

I think I just figured it out.

- OK, fellas, ante up. - Damn birds.

How come they never defecate on their own property?

I didn't crash in front of Cindy McLaren house

because you were yelling at me, did I?

No.

You were trying to look cool for some girl

and did a bang up job, so to speak.

And you let me?

Oh, I did more than let you.

I ducked down in the seat beside you, like you asked

me to, as you whizzed past.

And then, I slammed into the pole.

Why did you let me off?

Well, I figured your ego got kicked around enough that day.

Plus, I know that men can do stupid things

when it comes to women.

I'll always remember growing my hair long once,

for a certain Melanie Simms.

The most awkward 12 days of my life.

The things we do for our gals.

Gals of the past, and present.

I see you found my girlie man hideout.

Grab an herbal tea, we're about to watch, "The Notebook."

My parents think deception is good for a marriage.

We're in pretty good shape, then.

If something's going on, Tom, I want to hear it.

I know I'm an idiot, but most guys my age are stuck

at wedgies and penis jokes.

You told a penis joke at breakfast.

But it was wedgie free, right?

So I'm a little insecure, but you

deserve like a rock star, or a lawyer, or, you know, a man.

Is-- is that, stubble?

You always know what to say.

You know what would really prove your manhood?

Doing it cowboy style.

Oh.

It's called the Texas Peel-out,

my uncle taught it to me.

You pump the gas, while keeping the brake on,

then you just let her rip.

Are you sure about this.

Yeah, as long as your folks are out,

no one will be the wiser.

We need more room, tho, so back her up.

OK.

eyes on the road. You ready?

Ready.

Here we go.

Yee-haw.

Yee-haw.

[crash]

Well, look at the bright side, matching dents, front and back.

Plus, now the Putzie's a write off, that's

one more car off the road.

Pedal power, way of the future.

Nicely done there, Crash.

This isn't funny, Dad.

I really can't afford this right now.

Ah, don't worry about it, son, I've got it covered.

You're going to pay for it?

No, no, no, no, but I can help you get your savings in order.

Listen, have you ever heard about my colored coded

financial planning system?

[theme music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0