Original subtitles

[music playing]

And this is our kitchen.

Well, kitchen area.

Ooh, very exciting.

[yawns] And yet I yawned for some reason.

Do you have any cappuccino?

We don't have a cappuccino machine.

Espresso?

Instant coffee?

[sighs]

I'm assuming you have a kettle?

Of course we have a kettle.

Tom, your mom wants her kettle back.

But I was just going to make Monica coffee.

Oh, Monica.

Come down to the real kitchen.

I'll make you something decent.

Mm?

OK.

Is it just me, or does your mom still think

you and I are kind of a joke?

No, no.

I mean, that's just how mom talks.

It doesn't mean anything, right, Monica?

Boring.

I think the question is why don't you have your own stuff?

Oh well, you know the saying, the best things in life

aren't things. - Yeah, that's not true.

The problem is you haven't had a bridal shower.

Oh, no.

I don't believe in--

Still boring.

Look, I'll tell you what.

We're going to organize a bridal shower.

You invite all of mom's rich friends.

This place is going to look like the back of a mob truck.

I don't know.

Well, mom does like to plan a party.

Could be a good chance for you guys to bond.

You think?

So let me get this straight.

The back of a mob truck thing doesn't really do it for you,

but the bonding does.

God, you two are so weird.

Thanks for this, Monica.

Your happiness is thanks enough.

And I get first pick of the gifts.

Ciao.

I'm still worried your mom doesn't to us seriously.

You are being crazy.

Look, I will make you a killer breakfast,

and we'll forget all about it.

Just got to borrow the frying pan.

[theme music]

Can we find a way that we could be together.

Is there any way that we could be together?

And oh, by the way, baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Wait.

Jessie is having a bridal shower?

That's awesome.

Yeah, I don't think we're invited.

No, idiot.

See, if Jesse has a shower, that means you get a bachelor party.

It's called status quo.

Do you mean quid pro quo?

Exactly tit for tit.

- It's tat. - What did I say?

Tit.

[snorts] You said tit.

You know, maybe you're right.

A bachelor party could be a good excuse

to get away from the family.

What's this?

Did I hear something about a bachelor party?

Uh, well, party is kind of overstating it.

Tom and I were just planning on having a nice dinner together.

Oh, well, that sounds nice, girls, but you leave it to me.

I've been known to plan a bachelor

party or two in my day.

Oh.

Good.

Because that would mean you'd--

you'd come.

So for food, we'll need some hors

d'oeuvres and sandwich trays. - No problem.

I'll call Frangelico's

No. No Frangelico's.

Their products aren't fair trade.

Well, first off, you don't trade.

You give them money.

Lots, in fact.

I got it, princess.

Frangelico's will be fine, mom.

Judith, maybe you and I can work on the menu together.

Oh, that's OK.

I have it covered.

I'll take care of drinks and decorations,

and I suppose we'll have to plan some shower games.

Like what?

Pin the veil on the bride?

You know that's a real thing, right?

Wow.

I am never getting married.

Maybe you and I could come up with some games together?

Oh, that's OK.

I have a book around here somewhere.

I'll take care of it.

I love bachelor parties.

Hey, why not have it right here at the house.

That way, I get to meet all your chums

and kick their butt at ping-pong.

[laughter]

- Oh, darn. - Oh.

We're planning on having it the same night

as Jessie's shower, so.

You guys talking bachelor party?

Evidently.

Well, if you're looking for a venue,

we could have it at my place.

Yeah, I don't think my dad--

- Done. - Really?

Now, listen.

These boys are young, so I don't blue movies,

but I thought we could get those little swizzle sticks

shaped like naked ladies.

I love those.

How they get along.

So invites.

Here we go.

They're made from composted material

and colored with vegetable dye.

Is that barley?

Buckwheat.

I took the liberty of drawing up a guest list.

Hm.

Are these arranged in order of net worth?

Alphabetical tells us nothing.

I have a list of my friends too, Judith.

Should we combine them?

No, that's fine.

Why don't you send your invitations,

and I'll send mine.

There's no point in overcomplicating things.

We're-- we're really starting to bond.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

The only reason I agreed to a shower

was to bond with your mom, and now she won't let me.

Whatever do you mean?

Well, I keep suggesting fun things we can work on together,

you know, as a team--

OK.

Stop right there.

What?

My mom doesn't exactly do the team thing.

You want to connect with her, there's got

to be a little give and give.

And stay away from words like together and team and fun.

What does that mean?

Tagging along.

So if I want your mom to like me,

I'm supposed to just follow her around and agree

to whatever she wants?

No, I-- yeah, actually, that's it exactly.

I'm going to write that down.

How did you say it again?

It was really concise.

Tom!

Look on the bright side.

My dad could be planning your shower.

Your father might throw a good bachelor party.

You don't know.

Yeah, I do.

My dad's not good at parties.

If either party disagrees with my decision,

they can file what's called an appeal.

Now, an appeal-- yes.

Can you cast spells with your hammer?

I'm not a wizard, kid.

I'm a judge.

And this a gavel.

OK?

My friends come to this party, and I can kiss my rep goodbye.

Really?

Rep?

No good?

Yeah.

Nobody talks like that anymore.

I'll tell you one thing.

Our friends come to this party, you can kiss your rep goodbye.

So what do I do now?

That's simple.

We party with your two dads at the Hill's place.

I wish you wouldn't call them my two dads.

But we tell the boys to meet us at the frat house,

where the real party kicks in.

After your father nods off watching Fox News.

The frat house?

Yeah, the frat house!

I mean, we've got [inaudible],, beers, guys acting like idiots.

Cool.

So like any other night of the frat house,

except there won't be girls.

Well, jeez.

When you say it like that, it sounds lame.

Oh, wait. No.

There's going to be a stripper.

[laughs] I forgot to mention the stripper.

I would have lead with the stripper.

Yeah. Good note.

I don't think the shower guests

are going to want to play a Hannah Montana board game,

sweetie.

There's a drinking version.

Anything I can do to help with party prep, Judith?

I don't think so.

- Invitations? - Taken care of.

Decorations?

Picking them up right now.

Music?

Got plenty of CDs.

Wow.

These are great.

Michael Bubl ?

"The Lighter Side of Michael Bubl ."

You're really good at this.

Thank you, Jessie.

Um, could I come with you to pick up the decorations?

I've already chosen the color scheme, you know.

Oh, yeah. I know.

I know.

I just-- I thought it might be fun to maybe carry a box.

[laughs nervously]

Sure.

Why not?

OK.

That was fun.

I'm glad we got to spend time together.

You know what?

I am too.

You sound surprised.

Well, I usually do this sort of thing on my own.

Oh, that's silly, Judith.

You're not a control freak.

Who said I was?

Nobody.

Hey, here's something.

Did you know I've always loved those jeans on you?

Yeah.

You have such great taste in high-waisted pants.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe someday you can show me where you buy them.

Well stores are open for another hour.

Oh.

Taxi!

Oh, let me help you, there. - Oh, thanks.

Oh, tonight's really going to be fun.

Way better than Tom's bachelor thing.

Oh, I don't know.

Ben throws a pretty good party.

[chuckles]

And then they burned my village down.

[clears throat] OK.

Well maybe wedding night stories weren't such a great idea.

What say we kick this party into high gear

with a little Chateaux Hill?

Yes. All right.

Oh, no, no.

Phil, I-- I can't allow that.

These boys are under age.

I'll see you later.

Where-- where are you going?

Anywhere but here.

These are Judith's friends?

They're a little more candle and sandal than I expected.

These are my friends.

Oh.

Oh, they're nice.

Yes.

They're--

A, we need a corkscrew.

And B, where the hell are mom's friends?

It's early.

The party just started.

I didn't suggest this so I could walk away with a bunch

of hand-knitted tea cozies.

I want my weight in cold, hard appliances.

You said you just wanted one gift.

I renegotiated the terms of our agreement.

You weren't there. - But--

Corkscrew.

[sighs]

Jessie.

You never mailed the invitations to your friends?

Wait.

It's not as bad as you think.

It's not that I don't like you.

It's just that I haven't told any of my friends

that Tom got married to you.

How is that not as bad as I think?

OK. You're right.

It is as bad as you think. - You know what?

This party was a terrible idea.

I've been to worse.

This was fun.

You know, how come you never had a shower for your wedding,

Tara?

Because Phil and I never actually got married, remember?

That's great.

Mm.

You know, Jerry and I have an open relationship too.

We don't have an open relationship.

Yeah. No.

Well, we-- we don't either.

Hey Jess, you OK?

Great.

Just great.

Come on, I know that you're upset.

Spill.

Tom's mother didn't invite any of her friends

because she's embarrassed Tom married me,

and she's never going accept me.

She's a miserable shrew.

And those high-waisted jeans chafed my rib cage.

Man, when somebody says spill, you spill.

Everyone, I would like to propose

a toast to a very special lady.

I think you all know who I'm talking about,

our hostess, Judith Bellow.

Party planner extraordinaire and someone

who obviously loves Jessie very much.

Everyone, to Judith.

To Judith.

To Judith.

[dice rattling]

Yahtzee!

Woo!

Man, oh man, this place is dead.

You sure you gave your friends the right address?

More so with each passing second.

Boy, I could use a soda pop.

How's the real pretty going?

Check it out.

I did not know a dog could funnel beer.

Man, I can't believe we're missing this party.

I thought your dad would be asleep by now.

It's 8:30. How old did you think he was?

I don't know. 70?

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, uh, an application that tracks climate change.

Apparently, it's still happening.

Let's see.

Well, now that is a party.

[laughs]

what is this?

Oh, this is going on right now, is it?

Uh, yeah.

I guess the guys at the frat house

are having a thing tonight too.

I guess if you boys would rather go there,

it's all right with us, huh?

- Seriously? - Sure.

Why not? - All right.

Yeah.

[laughter]

Whose care we taking?

Oh.

Well, we're about to start the games.

Are you coming?

I guess I didn't get my invitation.

I deserve that.

Why don't you just admit that you still don't

take this marriage seriously?

All right.

I don't take it seriously.

You want to know what really went through my head?

Yeah.

I thought that maybe if I don't tell my friends that

my 18-year-old son got married, then maybe I won't have to tell

them when he gets divorced.

[scoffs] I--

I can't believe you just said that.

Well, don't ask the question if you

don't want to hear the answer.

We're not going to get divorced, Judith.

We love each other.

You don't know what love is.

You met when you were children.

So what?

When I met Ben, I was an adult. I remember every detail.

His crisp blue blazer, the sweat on his upper lip

as he hurled insults at the no nukes protesters.

That's when I knew he was the one for me.

I just want my son to have what I have.

Instead, he marries the girl next door.

[scoffs]

That's not love.

It's convenience.

Well, thank you for clearing that up.

I've got to go lie down.

[sighs] Um, we're out of salmon thingies.

[music playing]

- Ah! - Oh!

[laughter]

[cheering]

[inaudible]!

How do they know you?

I was the condom rep on campus for a couple of weeks.

How do you think they learned how to play Frisbeer?

Yo, you are nuts.

This might not be so bad.

[laughter]

Hi.

Narc!

OK everyone, we're going to play the newlywed game.

So we quizzed Tom with a bunch of questions,

and now we're going to see how well

Jessie knows my idiot brother.

I mean, her loving husband, who's an idiot.

And if she gets the answer wrong, she has to take a drink?

No.

So the first question comes from Tara, mother of the bride.

All right.

For 10 points, what did Tom say his favorite fast food

restaurant was?

Does it matter?

No one thinks this marriage is going to last anyway.

I'm sorry.

The answer we were looking for was Arby's.

Arby's.

Yeah.

[music playing]

Hey Bellow, is that your dad?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Thanks, buddy.

He's old.

[laughs]

And he's killing his liver.

Huh?

All right, everybody.

Knock it off!

So even though you boys have an exam on Monday,

you're all in here partying like a bunch of animals!

Well, apparently, I'm going to have to teach you all a lesson.

[music playing]

[cheering]

Kroger, I can't get a lap dance in front of my dad.

Uh, you are now.

[cheering]

Oh my God, Ben Bellow?

- [laughs] - Amber.

How are you, hon?

I'm doing great.

How are you? - Good to see you.

Oh, it's been such a long time.

We have to catch up.

Absolutely.

Listen, go easy on him, will you, sweetheart?

It's my son.

Oh, [giggles] that's so cute.

Hey! All right.

Here we go.

[cheering]

How do you know her?

She's been in and out of my courtroom a few times,

and I've decided to be lenient.

You know, get her some counseling.

Apparently it really helped turn her life around.

But she's a stripper.

Yeah.

But she used to be an investment banker.

What would your husband like to have more than

anything else in the world?

A second shot at happiness with someone he hasn't met?

Hm, is everything OK, Jess?

Yeah, sweetie.

I mean, I don't want to get all motherly on you or anything,

but you really suck at this game.

I'm sorry.

I'm ruining everyone's fun.

Let's keep going.

OK, Jess.

Moving on to the next question, so we can move on to the gifts.

What with Tom say was the moment the two of you

both fell in love?

Well, I can't say for sure what the moment for Tom was,

but I remember mine.

It was the first grade.

I was the new kid and kind of shy.

I looked across the playground, and there

was Tom, in blue overalls, sneakers, and mismatched socks.

I couldn't take my eyes off him.

And not just because of the chocolate

pudding all over his face.

It was like time slowed down.

He smiled at me, and then all of a sudden, he shouted, look out!

And I turned, and I just missed being puked on by Ken Paulson.

[laughter]

Tom always has my back.

That's one of the reasons why I married him.

And it's been that way for as long as I can remember.

I just-- I didn't realize until now.

[women cooing and awing]

Now, a word about vermouth.

Personally, I never touch the stuff.

But it's always good to have a little on hand for the ladies.

Huh?

He's doing the vermouth speech.

This is brutal.

Relax, man.

Everyone loves him.

Are you sure they're not just humoring him?

dude, look.

That guy's taking notes.

Let's say you find yourself after work with a date.

No time to go home.

Well, if you don't have any cologne,

try rubbing a little lemon rind behind your ear.

Dude, where are you going?

This guy is awesome.

Not like that old dude over there who's trying too hard.

And another charitable donation to Save the bark

beetle.

Thank you.

I told my friends that you would probably

want to do something good for the world

rather than just collect these meaningless trinkets.

God, this party sucks.

OK.

So why don't we cut the cake?

Where's Judith?

Oh, I think she's down for the night.

Say hello to a few late arrivals.

What's going on?

Well, I thought you might like to meet some friends of mine

from the neighborhood.

So which one is the lucky bride?

Everyone, I'd like you all to meet Jessie Hill Bellow,

my daughter-in-law.

Mazeltov.

Come over here.

JESSIE: Thank you.

Sorry, Jessie.

I'm just doing the best I can.

Why are you crying?

Because I'm never going to get a panini maker.

No.

Where did you learn to hold your liquor like that?

Well, son, your grandmother was a woman of hidden depths.

[zipper unzipping]

Wicked party, Tom.

Hey, don't tell your mom I peed on the hydrangeas.

When did you--

Those are your hydrangeas, Phil.

Oh.

Dad, I have to confess, I didn't invite

anybody to our bachelor party.

I know, son.

You're unpopular, but you're not that popular.

To be honest, I--

I thought you embarrass me, but--

PHIL: [vomiting]

You didn't totally suck.

This is a rite of passage in a young man's life,

to see his father as a man, not just a dad.

So when do I get that lesson on the perfect martini?

When you're 25.

Hey, how was your night?

Mm.

I'm so glad to see you.

I feel the same way.

[moaning]

[vomiting]

Oh, [laughs].

Well, all things considered, it was a perfect day.

Really?

Well, it sounded pretty rough.

You mad at Jessie, Jessie mad at you.

Monica going through everybody's purses for cash.

You do know when you say all things considered,

you're not actually supposed to consider all things?

Oh.

Sorry, honey.

I did get to relive one great memory, though.

Hm?

The moment that we first met.

Huh?

Ah, the chairlift.

Was it a gondola?

Spain.

[sighs] Way to ruin the perfect day.

But it was on the first--

Go to sleep, Ben.

[claps]

Chairlift.

[music playing]

In the glare of their lights.

While the natives kept repeating ancient jungle rites.

Oh, and once the dusky warriors began to raise their arms

to skies above, and the natives stepped forth to chant

to his voodoo goddess of love.

Hm-baloo!

[music playing]

[music playing]

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