Original subtitles

[music playing]

[bells]

MAN: Ah, love.

It starts with a simple kiss, a kiss

that ignites a fire so powerful it

threatens to engulf the natural world within it's white--

Do you mind?

Sorry. .

I'm a romantic.

OK.

Back to truth or dare.

We're still playing that?

I thought we were making out.

So you can concede?

No way.

Oh.

Hm.

What is that, road kill?

[grunts] Sorry.

The answer we're looking for is, what is Jessie about to lick?

You're disgusting.

Yeah, and you're stalling, which

would make me by definition the winner and you--

[groaning]

--that was unexpectedly hot.

And gritty. [scoffs]

You're up, Tom.

Truth or dare?

Um, dare.

Interesting strategy.

Foolish, but interesting.

Let's see.

Dressing like a girl is always good,

but so is public nakedness.

Uh, you made me do that last week.

Longest bus ride of my life. - Right.

Too easy.

No.

I need something bigger.

Something that will show me what Tom Bellow is really made of.

I know.

I dare you to propose.

Propose what?

Propose, propose.

Score.

Excuse me?

The bottle behind you, it's returnable.

You know I'm kidding, right?

You and me, married?

As if.

We'd have to come up with names for each other like, Pumpkin,

or Sugar Plum, and you'd get a briefcase,

and you'd go to work.

And I'd be all, have a great day at work, Pumpkin.

And--

Jessie Michelle Hill, 12 years as your neighbor,

and suddenly, I can't stop thinking about you.

This is for real.

Will you marry me?

[giggles]

Almost had me.

No joke, Jess.

[giggles]

Did you hear us? We're engaged.

Well, it's out of the question.

We're not asking. We're 18.

Which makes us adults.

Adults don't need their parents

to drive them to the movies.

Or prepare a hot meal for them every single night.

Trying to kill your mother here, hm?

Jessie's a Gentile.

We haven't been to Temple in years.

You're talking to Rabbi Schicter.

- Schecter. - Schecter.

And how exactly do you expect to support yourself there?

Johnny, grow up.

I still have savings from my bar mitzvah.

And we all know Tom's a real entrepreneur.

Get your PB&J shoots.

It's peanut butter and jelly in a glass.

I still say we should have gone with the lemonade.

Look, Jessie.

We expect this sort of thing from Tom.

But you are the responsible one.

Why are you doing this to us?

Because I love him?

You just ended your declaration of love for my son

with a question mark.

This is completely hypocritical.

You guys got married at 24.

Well, 18?

It's the new 24.

You know what else it is?

18.

Hey, everyone.

Since Tom's getting married, can I have his room?

I'll take that as a yes.

Well, let's see.

When I was 24, I was holding down three jobs,

finishing my law degree, and supporting my widowed mother.

Tom, I believe, on the other hand, just

made it to level two of "Ninja Surfers," huh?

Level three.

What is it?

Level three.

Level three.

I rest my case.

You know what, Jessie?

You go next door and talk to your parents.

Hm? - Yeah.

Maybe they'll knock some sense into you.

Aw.

Puppy love.

That's so adorable.

Nothing like first love, huh?

OK.

Three down.

Writer of "A Modest Proposal."

Five letters.

Did you hear me?

We're engaged.

Wild.

Well, actually, it's not that wild.

I love her. - That's an Oscar.

Five letters. - No, no, no.

There's a T there.

Guys.

Jessie, what your mother and I think is irrelevant.

Last time we checked, you're 18.

That's legally an adult.

But don't you have any regrets, concerns,

nuggets of parental wisdom?

Never go to sleep hungry.

Who was that?

Our refugee.

Oh.

Sorry, what?

From Iraq.

Mom, Dad.

OK, sweetie.

Are you sure that you're in love?

Is this something that you really want?

Does he satisfy you in bed?

Mom.

Well, honey, because if there are any issues,

you're more than welcome to borrow our kama sutra.

It really works.

[chuckles]

Maybe we should go outside and come back in again?

Jessie, you know how your mother

and I feel about weddings.

They're an exercise in greed with absolutely

no bearing on reality.

That doesn't mean we won't respect your decision.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Hill.

I promise to make your daughter happy.

- Swift. - Thanks.

As you Jonathan.

Five letters.

Oh.

[scoffing]

What just happened?

Breathe, Phil.

Just breathe.

SINGER: You like tigers.

You like lions.

Do you think that we can make it last?

You like the bathtub.

And you take hot showers.

Do you think that we can make it last?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I think that we can make it last.

What's with my parents?

Where's the worry, the angst, the guilt?

At my house, taking a Valium.

At least your parents care enough to ask questions.

What are you going to do when college starts?

How will you get money?

Where are you going to live?

Where are we going to live?

Right now, that's the least of our worries.

OK, my dad has dialed the Jewish up to 11.

He's wearing a yarmulke.

Your dad's about as Jewish as Conan O'Brien.

Yeah.

He converted.

Shouldn't that work in our favor.

No.

He says we're practically siblings.

The sibling thing kind of went out the window when

we did it behind the garage.

But we are best friends.

I know all your secrets, how you're afraid of moths,

and you lost the big V to that guy at Judo.

And you light candles when you're sad.

Well, there's plenty of secrets left to uncover.

Trust me. - Really?

I'm pretty much down to my last one.

You have a secret?

No.

Maybe.

Are you sure you want to marry the guy who made you mud?

Actually, no.

But the guy who bought me gummy bears after Judo

boy dumped me, and then changed everything

with one single unreal kiss?

I might consider.

Well, the worst is over.

At our least friends will be happy.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We're engaged, Carter, not gunned down by enemy fire.

People marry at 18 all over the world.

Right, Larissa.

You're right, cupcake.

And someday, many of those villages

will have running water.

You don't know what you're in for.

Have you ever bought a chick tampons?

Does he even know about?

No.

Tom, buddy, don't tell the girls this,

but you need to have sex with a lot of other women.

OK.

You guys do realize that we're all

sitting here together, right?

There's no split screen.

It's not "Grease."

We're just trying to help.

OK?

This engagement is a destroyer of awesome future memories,

most of which involve nudity.

Oh, my god. .

That's it.

Our cupcake is knocked up.

Whoa, no one's cupcake is knocked up.

We're in love.

I'm in love with my new patten leather handbag,

but I'm not going to marry.

Well, what about the summer?

Our road trip to go see The White Stripes.

I can't now, buddy.

I want to make things work.

You know?

I love her.

Yeah, that's right.

I love her.

Yeah, I love the way this girl hums when she studies,

and the little dimples she gets she smiles.

Yes.

I, Tom Bellow, declare that I will

proudly by this lady tampons.

[giggles]

Nothing?

Well, I wish this was a split screen.

OK.

You got to me, honey bear.

Thank you.

Now if only that tampon speech would work on Tom's dad.

Your dad's OK with it?

Actually, yeah.

Oldest trick in the book, sweetie.

Sick one dad on the other.

You're good.

It's what I do.

[playing record]

I thought you were your mother.

Scooch over.

Uh-huh.

Any jerky left?

[clattering]

Shh.

Dad, if mom catches us eating dead animals,

she'll skin us alive.

Last one.

Tom's parents are crazy.

His dad, especially.

He's doing everything he can to pry us apart.

Is is working?

Well, if he's trying to make us

want this more than ever, yes.

You want me speak to Ben.

I'll owe you two teriyakis and a honey garlic.

No way. This is Ben.

You'll have to throw in some blood sausage.

You're onto blood sausage?

It's a slippery slope.

You know, they go twice as fast when you cut them back.

I believe that is an urban myth.

it Works with the hedges down below.

[laughing]

Hey, you're something.

What the hell do you want, Phil?

I want what you want, or don't want, if you catch my drift.

A man whose idea of curfew is before sunrise suddenly

grows some parental backbone. What gives?

Listen, very carefully, Ben.

If we're going to end this engagement, we need to talk.

If Measuring the random girl next door was our plan for Tom,

we probably would have moved to a better neighborhood.

[laughing] And if indentured servitude was

part of our plan for Jessie, we'd have

moved back into the 1800s.

So there.

We're in agreement for the first time since the garbage strike.

Oh, I supported the strike.

You're an idiot.

Boys, please.

Tara, if you and Phil are against this,

then why didn't you do something about it?

In a situation like this, Judith,

you can do one of two things.

You can either sit back and play it cool,

or you can throw gas on to the flames.

Oh, stay tuned for another thinly veiled

lecture on global warming.

Dude, relax.

We just cut the kids some slack.

This whole thing's going to blow over.

We're not just going to stand by and watch our only son be

ripped from our arms.

We have big plans for Tom.

We're down with that.

At his age, he should be traipsing

the globe with more than a backpack and a beer bong.

[laughing]

I was talking about college.

I'm going to punch him.

Look, we're all on the same side here.

We hate marriage too.

Who hates marriage?

We don't hate marriage.

You're married.

No, we're not married.

[laughing]

OK.

We're done here, Judith. Come on.

Ben, sit. [whipping]

Phil, can it.

All right.

The Hills don't believe in marriage,

and we don't believe in this marriage.

Then at least we're on common ground.

Exactly.

And I say that we let them marry the hell out of each other.

We give them everything they want and more.

I like it.

They're expecting us to fold.

Instead, we double down. - Yeah.

We don't believe in gambling either.

OK,.

Seriously I'm going to punch him. .

Wakey, wakey.

"Natural Bride," "Something Borrowed," "Eco Spouse?"

I thought you hated weddings.

Hate is such an ugly word, Jessie.

Not inaccurate, but ugly.

Am I being punked?

The truth is, honey, I've been guilty of the worst sin of all.

Bacon?

Envy.

Oh, sweetie.

I just want you to have what I've never had,

a white hemp dress, a bouquet of wild flowers, a handsome man

that you're tied to buy a legal and binding

contract till the day you take your last hour of air.

Who wants a wedding?

I see you brought in reinforcements.

What do you mean, sweetie?

I know how this works, OK?

You bring in the big sister from downtown, get

her to talk some sense into me.

I know exactly what you're going to say, Monica.

I think it's wonderful.

Oh.

Well, I know what you're going to say next.

And go.

So when are you going to pull the trigger, Tom Bit?

Uh, next spring.

Why wait until next year, Tom?

Your mother and I got married in the fall.

Hm?

Lovely time of year.

Oh, yeah.

Is this '67 Henderson Avenue?

Something's going on.

You think?

My sister made me try on my dad's tux

and said I looked juicy.

My dad is on his fourth draft the Father of the Bride speech.

I'm warning you now, the jokes are not good.

Everyone does a complete 180 overnight?

It's almost as if--

BOTH: They talked?

They talked, and now they're toying with us.

Or are we being paranoid?

Your sister called you juicy.

Right.

OK.

Let's not panic No, we're going to handle

this like mature adults.

Let go of me.

Ow.

Let go.

I don't know anything.

Liar.

Your face is red and you're stuttering.

That's because you're choking me.

Oh, no.

This is choking you.

[grunting]

OK.

They're calling your bluff, so they're

opening up their wallets.

How wide?

I've already said too much.

OK.

We are going to play this cool.

Don't let on we know.

You know what this means, don't you?

It's really going to happen.

You and me, hitched.

Yeah.

That's great.

Baby's first lie.

So proud.

What was I supposed to say, Carter?

That I was suddenly hit with the possibility of it actually

happening, and I choked?

I thought this is what you wanted.

It is. It is.

It's just it's-- it's all happening so fast.

See, that's what happens when a proposal is based

on a game of Truth or Dare.

I just want this wedding to slow down.

But I can't tell her that because then I lose face.

Well, you've come on the right guy.

See, you put your cards on the table with that engagement,

but the parents, they raised.

Clever.

But they don't know that you know that they know.

So they won't be prepared for your next move.

And that is?

You go all in.

[exhales]

Hey, Tom.

Just going over the guest list here.

Did I mention Auntie Golde's coming?

I know how much you love her wet kisses.

You bet.

But I hope we're inviting all the cousins too.

Oh, second, third, and twice removed.

Now, you know we can invite anyone until we set a date.

So you were saying spring?

I was thinking about what you guys were saying earlier,

and maybe the fall is better.

October, perhaps.

A little chilly, don't you think?

How about September?

The colors are breathtaking.

Well, if we're talking September, how about August?

A summer wedding is good luck.

Next Sunday it is.

We'll have it in our backyard.

[laughing]

Too bad.

There's not going to be enough room for all

the Gentiles Jessie's inviting.

Well, here's a thought.

Since the Hills and us are in us are in this together,

let's tear down that fence.

Heh.

I'll get the tool box.

SINGER: You don't even care about what I think.

It's what you think that always matters.

When it comes to loving me, you have it your way.

I am persuaded that makes me madder.

But when night comes around, I get your kisses.

They're so sweet.

Your golden hair is longer than mine.

I have never met a creature from your planet.

Oh, baby your--

So what if it's a dare?

I know it's real.

But I can't do it because I have a secret I can't tell,

and if I don't, I'm living a lie.

And I cannot be living a lie, because that's just who I am.

And what if it's all just a terrible, terrible mistake?

So what do you think?

Are we too young to marry?

My bride was 14.

We met at the wedding.

SINGER: So when night comes around, I'll get your kisses.

They're so sweet.

Your golden hair is longer than mine.

I have never met a creature from your planet.

I have never met creature from your planet.

I have never met a creature from your planet.

Oh, baby, you're a crazy guy.

[crickets]

Jessie, wait.

The wedding's Sunday, Tom.

You could have been quicker on the bat signal.

Jessie, I do have a secret, and I'd just

rather you know now than later.

I'm so glad you said that.

There's something I have to tell you too.

Yeah, and whatever we say, it doesn't matter, right?

I mean, I know you peed your pants in Mrs. Gold's class.

Thanks for the reminder.

Yeah, but I'm still crazy about you.

Nothing you can say can change that.

So who goes first?

Both at the same time.

One, two--

I slept with Carter.

I fart in my sleep.

What?

I mean not just now.

A while ago.

Have you tried eating less dairy

So Carter's Judo boy?

It happened two years ago.

I'm totally over it.

Kind of weird without the fence, huh?

Tom, say something.

Maybe a fence is just a fence, and a dare is just a dare.

So what do you want to do?

I think the answer is pretty clear.

SINGER: There's a 24 hour chapel that doesn't have any seats.

So when you walk down the aisle--

Hey, everyone.

We have an announcement.

I know a lot of you worked really hard on this.

So this is tough to say. - The wedding's off.

Jessie and I had a real trial by fire yesterday,

and we learned something.

Fire's hot.

So that's why we went to City Hall this morning.

Say hello to my wife.

[applause]

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Vegas wedding bells.

Vegas wedding bells.

I should have run like hell when I heard

those Vegas wedding bells.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0