All language subtitles for 18 to Life s01e01 A Modest Proposal.eng

[music playing]

[bells]

MAN: Ah, love.

It starts with a
simple kiss, a kiss

that ignites a
fire so powerful it

threatens to engulf the natural
world within it's white--

Do you mind?

Sorry. .

I'm a romantic.

OK.

Back to truth or dare.

We're still playing that?

I thought we were making out.

So you can concede?

No way.

Oh.

Hm.

What is that, road kill?

[grunts] Sorry.

The answer we're looking for is,
what is Jessie about to lick?

You're disgusting.

Yeah, and you're
stalling, which

would make me by definition
the winner and you--

[groaning]

--that was unexpectedly hot.

And gritty.
[scoffs]

You're up, Tom.

Truth or dare?

Um, dare.

Interesting strategy.

Foolish, but interesting.

Let's see.

Dressing like a
girl is always good,

but so is public nakedness.

Uh, you made me
do that last week.

Longest bus ride of my life.
- Right.

Too easy.

No.

I need something bigger.

Something that will show me what
Tom Bellow is really made of.

I know.

I dare you to propose.

Propose what?

Propose, propose.

Score.

Excuse me?

The bottle behind
you, it's returnable.

You know I'm kidding, right?

You and me, married?

As if.

We'd have to come up with names
for each other like, Pumpkin,

or Sugar Plum, and
you'd get a briefcase,

and you'd go to work.

And I'd be all, have a
great day at work, Pumpkin.

And--

Jessie Michelle Hill,
12 years as your neighbor,

and suddenly, I can't
stop thinking about you.

This is for real.

Will you marry me?

[giggles]

Almost had me.

No joke, Jess.

[giggles]

Did you hear us?
We're engaged.

Well, it's out
of the question.

We're not asking.
We're 18.

Which makes us adults.

Adults don't
need their parents

to drive them to the movies.

Or prepare a hot meal for
them every single night.

Trying to kill
your mother here, hm?

Jessie's a Gentile.

We haven't been
to Temple in years.

You're talking
to Rabbi Schicter.

- Schecter.
- Schecter.

And how exactly do you expect
to support yourself there?

Johnny, grow up.

I still have savings
from my bar mitzvah.

And we all know Tom's
a real entrepreneur.

Get your PB&J shoots.

It's peanut butter
and jelly in a glass.

I still say we should
have gone with the lemonade.

Look, Jessie.

We expect this sort
of thing from Tom.

But you are the responsible one.

Why are you doing this to us?

Because I love him?

You just ended your
declaration of love for my son

with a question mark.

This is completely
hypocritical.

You guys got married at 24.

Well, 18?

It's the new 24.

You know what else it is?

18.

Hey, everyone.

Since Tom's getting married,
can I have his room?

I'll take that as a yes.

Well, let's see.

When I was 24, I was
holding down three jobs,

finishing my law degree, and
supporting my widowed mother.

Tom, I believe, on
the other hand, just

made it to level two of
"Ninja Surfers," huh?

Level three.

What is it?

Level three.

Level three.

I rest my case.

You know what, Jessie?

You go next door and
talk to your parents.

Hm?
- Yeah.

Maybe they'll knock
some sense into you.

Aw.

Puppy love.

That's so adorable.

Nothing like first love, huh?

OK.

Three down.

Writer of "A Modest Proposal."

Five letters.

Did you hear me?

We're engaged.

Wild.

Well, actually,
it's not that wild.

I love her.
- That's an Oscar.

Five letters.
- No, no, no.

There's a T there.

Guys.

Jessie, what your mother
and I think is irrelevant.

Last time we checked, you're 18.

That's legally an adult.

But don't you have
any regrets, concerns,

nuggets of parental wisdom?

Never go to sleep hungry.

Who was that?

Our refugee.

Oh.

Sorry, what?

From Iraq.

Mom, Dad.

OK, sweetie.

Are you sure that
you're in love?

Is this something
that you really want?

Does he satisfy you in bed?

Mom.

Well, honey, because
if there are any issues,

you're more than welcome
to borrow our kama sutra.

It really works.

[chuckles]

Maybe we should go outside
and come back in again?

Jessie, you know
how your mother

and I feel about weddings.

They're an exercise
in greed with absolutely

no bearing on reality.

That doesn't mean we
won't respect your decision.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Hill.

I promise to make
your daughter happy.

- Swift.
- Thanks.

As you Jonathan.

Five letters.

Oh.

[scoffing]

What just happened?

Breathe, Phil.

Just breathe.

SINGER: You like tigers.

You like lions.

Do you think that
we can make it last?

You like the bathtub.

And you take hot showers.

Do you think that
we can make it last?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I think that
we can make it last.

What's with my parents?

Where's the worry,
the angst, the guilt?

At my house, taking a Valium.

At least your parents care
enough to ask questions.

What are you going to
do when college starts?

How will you get money?

Where are you going to live?

Where are we going to live?

Right now, that's the
least of our worries.

OK, my dad has dialed
the Jewish up to 11.

He's wearing a yarmulke.

Your dad's about as
Jewish as Conan O'Brien.

Yeah.

He converted.

Shouldn't that
work in our favor.

No.

He says we're
practically siblings.

The sibling thing kind
of went out the window when

we did it behind the garage.

But we are best friends.

I know all your secrets,
how you're afraid of moths,

and you lost the big
V to that guy at Judo.

And you light candles
when you're sad.

Well, there's plenty of
secrets left to uncover.

Trust me.
- Really?

I'm pretty much
down to my last one.

You have a secret?

No.

Maybe.

Are you sure you want to marry
the guy who made you mud?

Actually, no.

But the guy who bought
me gummy bears after Judo

boy dumped me, and
then changed everything

with one single unreal kiss?

I might consider.

Well, the worst is over.

At our least
friends will be happy.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We're engaged, Carter, not
gunned down by enemy fire.

People marry at 18
all over the world.

Right, Larissa.

You're right, cupcake.

And someday, many
of those villages

will have running water.

You don't know
what you're in for.

Have you ever bought
a chick tampons?

Does he even know about?

No.

Tom, buddy, don't
tell the girls this,

but you need to have sex
with a lot of other women.

OK.

You guys do realize
that we're all

sitting here together, right?

There's no split screen.

It's not "Grease."

We're just trying to help.

OK?

This engagement is a destroyer
of awesome future memories,

most of which involve nudity.

Oh, my god. .

That's it.

Our cupcake is knocked up.

Whoa, no one's
cupcake is knocked up.

We're in love.

I'm in love with my new
patten leather handbag,

but I'm not going to marry.

Well, what about the summer?

Our road trip to go
see The White Stripes.

I can't now, buddy.

I want to make things work.

You know?

I love her.

Yeah, that's right.

I love her.

Yeah, I love the way this
girl hums when she studies,

and the little dimples
she gets she smiles.

Yes.

I, Tom Bellow,
declare that I will

proudly by this lady tampons.

[giggles]

Nothing?

Well, I wish this
was a split screen.

OK.

You got to me, honey bear.

Thank you.

Now if only that tampon speech
would work on Tom's dad.

Your dad's OK with it?

Actually, yeah.

Oldest trick in
the book, sweetie.

Sick one dad on the other.

You're good.

It's what I do.

[playing record]

I thought you
were your mother.

Scooch over.

Uh-huh.

Any jerky left?

[clattering]

Shh.

Dad, if mom catches us
eating dead animals,

she'll skin us alive.

Last one.

Tom's parents are crazy.

His dad, especially.

He's doing everything
he can to pry us apart.

Is is working?

Well, if he's
trying to make us

want this more than ever, yes.

You want me speak to Ben.

I'll owe you two teriyakis
and a honey garlic.

No way.
This is Ben.

You'll have to throw
in some blood sausage.

You're onto blood sausage?

It's a slippery slope.

You know, they go twice as
fast when you cut them back.

I believe that
is an urban myth.

it Works with the
hedges down below.

[laughing]

Hey, you're something.

What the hell do you want, Phil?

I want what you want, or don't
want, if you catch my drift.

A man whose idea of curfew
is before sunrise suddenly

grows some parental backbone.
What gives?

Listen, very carefully, Ben.

If we're going to end this
engagement, we need to talk.

If Measuring the random girl
next door was our plan for Tom,

we probably would have moved
to a better neighborhood.

[laughing] And if
indentured servitude was

part of our plan for
Jessie, we'd have

moved back into the 1800s.

So there.

We're in agreement for the first
time since the garbage strike.

Oh, I supported the strike.

You're an idiot.

Boys, please.

Tara, if you and Phil
are against this,

then why didn't you
do something about it?

In a situation
like this, Judith,

you can do one of two things.

You can either sit
back and play it cool,

or you can throw gas
on to the flames.

Oh, stay tuned for
another thinly veiled

lecture on global warming.

Dude, relax.

We just cut the kids some slack.

This whole thing's
going to blow over.

We're not just going to stand
by and watch our only son be

ripped from our arms.

We have big plans for Tom.

We're down with that.

At his age, he
should be traipsing

the globe with more than a
backpack and a beer bong.

[laughing]

I was talking about college.

I'm going to punch him.

Look, we're all on
the same side here.

We hate marriage too.

Who hates marriage?

We don't hate marriage.

You're married.

No, we're not married.

[laughing]

OK.

We're done here, Judith.
Come on.

Ben, sit.
[whipping]

Phil, can it.

All right.

The Hills don't
believe in marriage,

and we don't believe
in this marriage.

Then at least we're
on common ground.

Exactly.

And I say that we let them marry
the hell out of each other.

We give them everything
they want and more.

I like it.

They're expecting us to fold.

Instead, we double down.
- Yeah.

We don't believe
in gambling either.

OK,.

Seriously I'm going
to punch him. .

Wakey, wakey.

"Natural Bride," "Something
Borrowed," "Eco Spouse?"

I thought you hated weddings.

Hate is such an
ugly word, Jessie.

Not inaccurate, but ugly.

Am I being punked?

The truth is, honey, I've been
guilty of the worst sin of all.

Bacon?

Envy.

Oh, sweetie.

I just want you to have
what I've never had,

a white hemp dress, a bouquet
of wild flowers, a handsome man

that you're tied to
buy a legal and binding

contract till the day you
take your last hour of air.

Who wants a wedding?

I see you brought
in reinforcements.

What do you mean, sweetie?

I know how this works, OK?

You bring in the big
sister from downtown, get

her to talk some sense into me.

I know exactly what you're
going to say, Monica.

I think it's wonderful.

Oh.

Well, I know what you're
going to say next.

And go.

So when are you going to
pull the trigger, Tom Bit?

Uh, next spring.

Why wait until next year, Tom?

Your mother and I got
married in the fall.

Hm?

Lovely time of year.

Oh, yeah.

Is this '67 Henderson Avenue?

Something's going on.

You think?

My sister made me
try on my dad's tux

and said I looked juicy.

My dad is on his fourth draft
the Father of the Bride speech.

I'm warning you now,
the jokes are not good.

Everyone does a
complete 180 overnight?

It's almost as if--

BOTH: They talked?

They talked, and now
they're toying with us.

Or are we being paranoid?

Your sister called you juicy.

Right.

OK.

Let's not panic No,
we're going to handle

this like mature adults.

Let go of me.

Ow.

Let go.

I don't know anything.

Liar.

Your face is red and
you're stuttering.

That's because
you're choking me.

Oh, no.

This is choking you.

[grunting]

OK.

They're calling your
bluff, so they're

opening up their wallets.

How wide?

I've already said too much.

OK.

We are going to play this cool.

Don't let on we know.

You know what this
means, don't you?

It's really going to happen.

You and me, hitched.

Yeah.

That's great.

Baby's first lie.

So proud.

What was I supposed
to say, Carter?

That I was suddenly hit with
the possibility of it actually

happening, and I choked?

I thought this
is what you wanted.

It is.
It is.

It's just it's-- it's
all happening so fast.

See, that's what happens
when a proposal is based

on a game of Truth or Dare.

I just want this
wedding to slow down.

But I can't tell her that
because then I lose face.

Well, you've come
on the right guy.

See, you put your cards on the
table with that engagement,

but the parents, they raised.

Clever.

But they don't know that
you know that they know.

So they won't be prepared
for your next move.

And that is?

You go all in.

[exhales]

Hey, Tom.

Just going over the
guest list here.

Did I mention Auntie
Golde's coming?

I know how much you
love her wet kisses.

You bet.

But I hope we're inviting
all the cousins too.

Oh, second, third,
and twice removed.

Now, you know we can invite
anyone until we set a date.

So you were saying spring?

I was thinking about what
you guys were saying earlier,

and maybe the fall is better.

October, perhaps.

A little chilly,
don't you think?

How about September?

The colors are breathtaking.

Well, if we're talking
September, how about August?

A summer wedding is good luck.

Next Sunday it is.

We'll have it in our backyard.

[laughing]

Too bad.

There's not going to
be enough room for all

the Gentiles Jessie's inviting.

Well, here's a thought.

Since the Hills and us are
in us are in this together,

let's tear down that fence.

Heh.

I'll get the tool box.

SINGER: You don't even
care about what I think.

It's what you think
that always matters.

When it comes to loving
me, you have it your way.

I am persuaded that
makes me madder.

But when night comes
around, I get your kisses.

They're so sweet.

Your golden hair is
longer than mine.

I have never met a
creature from your planet.

Oh, baby your--

So what if it's a dare?

I know it's real.

But I can't do it because I
have a secret I can't tell,

and if I don't,
I'm living a lie.

And I cannot be living a lie,
because that's just who I am.

And what if it's all just a
terrible, terrible mistake?

So what do you think?

Are we too young to marry?

My bride was 14.

We met at the wedding.

SINGER: So when night comes
around, I'll get your kisses.

They're so sweet.

Your golden hair is
longer than mine.

I have never met a
creature from your planet.

I have never met creature
from your planet.

I have never met a
creature from your planet.

Oh, baby, you're a crazy guy.

[crickets]

Jessie, wait.

The wedding's Sunday, Tom.

You could have been
quicker on the bat signal.

Jessie, I do have a
secret, and I'd just

rather you know now than later.

I'm so glad you said that.

There's something I
have to tell you too.

Yeah, and whatever we say,
it doesn't matter, right?

I mean, I know you peed your
pants in Mrs. Gold's class.

Thanks for the reminder.

Yeah, but I'm still
crazy about you.

Nothing you can say
can change that.

So who goes first?

Both at the same time.

One, two--

I slept with Carter.

I fart in my sleep.

What?

I mean not just now.

A while ago.

Have you tried eating less dairy

So Carter's Judo boy?

It happened two years ago.

I'm totally over it.

Kind of weird without
the fence, huh?

Tom, say something.

Maybe a fence is just a fence,
and a dare is just a dare.

So what do you want to do?

I think the answer
is pretty clear.

SINGER: There's a 24 hour chapel
that doesn't have any seats.

So when you walk
down the aisle--

Hey, everyone.

We have an announcement.

I know a lot of you
worked really hard on this.

So this is tough to say.
- The wedding's off.

Jessie and I had a real
trial by fire yesterday,

and we learned something.

Fire's hot.

So that's why we went to
City Hall this morning.

Say hello to my wife.

[applause]

[theme music]

THEME SONG: Vegas wedding bells.

Vegas wedding bells.

I should have run
like hell when I heard

those Vegas wedding bells.

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