All language subtitles for Only Fools s05 e09 - Dates

# Stick a pony in me pocket

# I'll fetch the suitcase
from the van

# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns

# But you don't ask questions

# Then, brother, I'm your man

# 'Cause where it all comes from
is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons
and the tides of the sea

# But here's the one
that's driving me berserk:

# Why do only fools
and horses work? #

(TV IS ON)

Have you got any idea how much money
we've made recently?

Loads of bunce, Rodders.
Loads of bunce.

We have made nearly �2,000
in the last month.

Am I a genius
or just a miracle worker?

We sold over 400
of those ladies electric razors.

I told you they'd sell.

You wouldn't think
there was that much hair about.

You chuck those receipts away.
I don't want no evidence in the flat.

What's that dirty-looking thing?

That is your uncle, Rodney.

Please show a bit more respect.

Come on, Uncle. Get yourself
a drink. We're celebrating.

That's all right, Del.
This is from my old days, Rodney.

All those years ago
when I used to sail the seven seas.

Is it treasure?

No. It's just a few old photos
and letters from my days in the navy.

It's nothing much. Just me memories.

Rodney's chucking
a load of gear down the chute.

He'll get rid of it for you.

This is the history of my life!

That's why I thought
you wouldn't want it.

Is that you?

Yeah.

That's when I first joined the navy.
Seventeen I was.

You ain't changed, Unc.

What? He had a big white beard then?

No. He's wearing the same clothes.

What's the matter
with you two daft sods?

Well, we're celebrating.
We've had a blinding month.

What is all this?

What's this here?

"1941. My birthday party
on board HMS Peerless."

Cor blimey, they look
a right bunch of toerags.

That's me and my mates when we
were serving in the South China Sea.

Brave lads, Del. Look at 'em.

Like steely-eyed young lions.

Yeah. You look like Clarence
the cross-eyed lion!

I'd just been to a nightclub
celebrating me birthday.

Who's this geezer in the G-string
and the ruby in his belly button?

That's one of the dancing girls
from the nightclub.

We sneaked her back
to show her round HMS Peerless!

You dirty old goat.

The captain used to call it
"a submarine hunter",

but she was nothing more
than an old tug.

Yeah. She looks like
a rough and ready girl.

- I'm talking about HMS Peerless!
- Oh, sorry.

A few hours after that photo
was taken, we was in action.

I'm surprised it took you that long.

A Japanese sub was spotted
in the area.

Ooh, that's all you need, innit?

Yeah. There was an American
aircraft carrier lying off shore.

Um... USS Pittsburgh.

It was our job to protect her.

We'd only been sailing for an hour
and we crashed right into her.

Cor, didn't 'alf make a noise.

You went and whacked into the boat
that you were going out to protect?

Yeah.

It was a good job she was there,
actually.

She picked up most of the survivors.

Was your ship badly damaged?

Couldn't tell, Rodney. It sunk.

'Course, they tried
to put the blame on me.

Yeah. Well, sounds fair, don't it?

Just 'cause I was on watch
at the time.

I had me excuses ready.

- You were drunk?
- Don't be silly.

The American vessel was at
battlestations and showing no lights.

They weren't allowed.
There was a war on.

(DEL) 'Course there was.

Then they tried to get me
on naval technicalities, like er...

it was in broad daylight.

You didn't see an aircraft carrier?

42,000 tons of steel?

In broad daylight?

Well, I wasn't close enough.

You must have been reasonably close,
Unc. You hit it.

They would have stood more chance
with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!

I wasn't up on deck!

I was in the radar room
watching the screen.

I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

It was all blibs and blobs.

The Japanese sub had it away lively.

I suppose it didn't feel needed
with you around.

Oi. Did you get into trouble for it?

Court martial. The papers were sent
to Naval Headquarters, Singapore.

You were court martialled?

No. As luck would have it, before
my trial, the Japanese invaded!

I never heard another word about it.

And the blokes in my lifeboat
used to say I was unlucky!

That was a bit strong -
trying to court-martial him.

He had just ruined
a perfectly good aircraft carrier.

I know, but it was his birthday.

Yeah, I forgot.

Not for long though.

This picture was taken in 1941
on his birthday, right?

You seen the date?

That's in a couple of weeks.

You don't think the ancient mariner
was trying to let us know

so we'd arrange a birthday treat,
do you?

Wash your mouth out
with soap and water, Rodney!

Your Uncle Albert
is not a crafty person.

He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat.

The sly old git. So he wants
a surprise for his birthday, does he?

What are you going to do?

I don't know yet, but I'll think
of something to pull him up lively.

We could give him one of them
electric razors!

(UNCLE ALBERT, TUNELESSLY)
# Way out on the sea

# I'll carry my loved one

# Safely with me. #

Why does he keep doing it, eh?

Gawd knows.

I suppose at some time, someone
told him he could play the piano.

Yeah. I'd like to meet the git
who told him he could sing.

He's a Trotter. What more
can you say about the man?

A couple of years ago,
I went down the local library

and read some ancient manuscripts
written by the Elders of Peckham.

Did you know 500 years ago,
this was a green and peaceful area?

The Earl of Peckham had a castle

where the Kwikfit Exhaust Centre
now stands.

Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance
round the village maypole

of an evening.

Then one fateful medieval day,

the Trotter clan arrived
in a stolen Zephyr.

Soon the flaxen-haired maidens
were up the spout,

the Earl had been sold
some hooky armour,

and someone nicked the maypole.

A hundred years after that,
the Black Death arrived in England.

The people of Peckham
thought their luck had changed.

'Ere, talk of changing luck.
Look at this.

- Oh, my Gawd!
- All right? All right, Boycie?

Well, I was.

There you go, Trig.
There's a scotch, mate.

How do you know I wanted a scotch?

If I was dressed like that,
I'd want a scotch!

Er, is this something
to do with a new religion?

I'm taking a lady out to lunch.

(BOTH) You sure?

Yeah. Positive.

I've booked us a table
at that little Italian place opposite.

I thought I'd better
try and make an impression.

Oh, you'll certainly do that
and no worries, Trig.

Thanks, Boyce!

Morning, Michael.
Same again for Boycie.

A non-alcoholic lager top
for Rodney...

Malibu and cherryade for moi.

Is it Comic Relief Day again?

- It only seems a little while...
- Del.

- It ain't Comic Relief Day, mate.
- I've got a date.

Watch them stones. Del got one
caught in his throat last Christmas.

No, Dave. I mean,
I've got a lunch date with a lady.

(BOTH) Are you sure?

Yeah. I gotta meet her soon. I just
popped in for some Dutch courage.

So who is it? Anyone we know?

No. You don't know her. Come to that,
I don't know her either.

How do you mean, Trig?

These people arranged it for me.

"The Technomatch Friendship
and Matrimonial Agency."

You've joined one of them
computer dating firms?

Yeah. They opened up a shop
down the High Street,

so I thought I'd have 25 quids' worth.

So what's this bird look like?

I don't know. They don't
show you pictures of each other.

- That's a bit risky, innit?
- That's her problem.

They fed all of my information
into a computer

and it came out with a woman
who was compatible with me.

That's what I like about this agency,
you know where you stand -

they insist on honesty.

So you told them
you're a roadsweeper?

No. I told them
I was a bus inspector.

- Why?
- To add a bit of glamour.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Good idea.

Right then, here goes.

I'll see you later.

Well, rather him than me.

He's walking straight
into the unknown.

It's a bit like that TV programme,
innit?

- Yeah!
- You know, Blind Date.

Oh! I thought you meant
That's My Dog.

Marlene and Duke sit and watch that,
you know?

Soppy as sacks, the two of them.

The dog gets more questions right.

Michael?
Can I have a word about Albert?

Now, there's a coincidence, Del.

I wanted to have a word with you
about him.

He's not still singing in here
of an evening?

Oh, no, no, no.

He's doing matinees now, Del.
My pie sales have fallen!

All right. I'll have a word
with him.

It's Albert's birthday soon and
I wanted to throw a party for him.

- What, in here?
- Well, yeah.

- A few drinks, a bit of grub...
- No.

I'll stick 150 across the counter.

All right, Del.

You can have the pub
on one condition.

He doesn't sing.

Fair enough, Mike.

He doesn't use bad language
in front of the ladies.

- Righto, Mike.
- And he doesn't dance.

- Got you, Mike.
- He tells no rude jokes.

Goes without saying.

And he don't drink too much.

Perish the thought.

He just sits down quietly, soberly,

and enjoys himself.

He's going to really look forward
to this.

Thanks very much (!)

He makes up more rules
than the Common Market.

He's ruining this pub, ain't he?

I honestly wouldn't know, Del Boy.
I'm very rarely in here these days.

I spend most of my free time
down at the lodge.

Oh, of course, the lodge.

What is it you've become? A Buffalo?

I am not a Buffalo.
I am a pukka mason.

Secret handshakes,
initiation ceremonies, the works.

What do you want to join
that bunch of dipsticks for?

It is a great honour to be chosen.

It is not something you turn down
lightly, Derek. Oh, no.

Changed my life.

I'm involved in a lot
of charity work these days -

helping the local needy
and underprivileged.

It's got its good side as well,
of course.

Us masons vow to help each other in
business whenever humanly possible.

Sounds like a load of old snobs
trying to clone more old snobs.

We're not snobs! Anyone can join.

We come from all walks of life -
across the social spectrum.

We've got estate agents, a judge,

a commissioner of police, the mayor.
We've got all sorts.

Yeah. So has Bertie Bassett!

That is not all walks of life,
Boycie.

All right, all right.
We've got a television director.

Oh, yeah? What does he do?

Film the secret handshakes
in case you forget it?

Rodney.

I'm going to have a chat
with Mickey and Jevon.

I'm going to pop down the betting
shop. I'll pick you up later.

What is the matter with that boy?
He's all social conscience.

He's one of life's carers, isn't he?

He reminds me a bit of my mum.
Don't he you?

Yeah.

Standing in the corner of a pub
with two geezers.

I don't believe it.

That's a woman!

Wotcha, Nerys.

You made me jump.

It's only me.

Can I get you a drink?

- No. I've got one.
- Oh.

I was wondering if you'd like
to come out during the week.

- Where?
- I don't know. Anywhere.

Who with?

Well... me.

All right. It'll have to be during
the day 'cause I work here evenings.

I'll have to see
if I can get a day off.

You said you ran the business.

Well, yeah, I do.

I do run the business, but I don't
like leaving Del in charge

because he mucks my system up.

Well, I'll phone you on it, then.

Yeah. All right, then.

See you in the week.

Go on.

All right.

Rodney?

- How did you get on with Nerys?
- OK.

Bet you didn't get a date with her.

Save your money, Jevon, my man.

I'm taking her out next week.

How did you manage that? I've been
trying to date her for ages.

Bear in mind who's talking here.

I've had to employ a secretary
to handle my dates.

Rodney has something
you haven't got, Jevon.

It is a thing called machismo.

I've told you before.
Nerys goes for macho men.

I have known Rodney
a lot longer than you,

and he can be a right hard nut
when he wants.

Well...

Muscle and sweat.
That is what Nerys goes for.

Yeah, but Rodney's
no Master of the Universe.

But he has the aura of inner strength.

It's 'cause I'm wiry, you see.

Nerys likes guys who live their lives
at a hundred miles an hour.

They reckon when she's hot,
she is hot.

The only guy who could put her out
is Red Adair, and he's expensive.

You should treat a chick
with consideration.

And that is why you'll never
get a date with Nerys.

She prefers a bunch of fives
to a bunch of flowers.

But if my main man here
plays his cards right...

See you, big guy.

Hey.

- Take care.
- Yo.

What's happening?

Rodney Trotter's got himself a date.

We've convinced him
she likes tough macho men.

- Who's the bird?
- Nerys.

What, Nervous Nerys?

Yes!

So, can you tell me, what kind
of person are you looking for?

Well, a bird.

Yes. But are there
any particular requirements?

Yeah, a local bird.
I don't want to do much driving.

So you're not looking
for a special type of person?

Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort.

A bit of a sort?

Yeah, you know.
Everything in the right place.

Oh, and she must be a bit refined.

- Must she?
- Oh, yeah.

I don't want some old bow-wow

who don't know the difference
between Liebfraumilk and Tizer.

- Quite.
- I'm a bit of a culture vulture.

Ah, a man of the arts.

You can't whack it.

And you can tell the lucky lady
that she is guaranteed a steak meal.

A steak meal?

Guaranteed.

Want to put that
on your floppy disk?

Yes. I'll make a note.

A steak meal.

Now, please don't feel pressurised
by this next question.

We're not trying to force you
into any decision.

The question is simply asked
to protect our clients.

Fire away. I've got nothing to hide.

What do you seek from this proposed
introduction? Simply friendship?

Yeah, friendship.
That'll do for a start.

No, no. What I'm getting at is

do you see this leading to
a permanent relationship or marriage?

Slow down. Slow down, John.
You ain't even sorted me one out yet!

Let's say friendship.
That'll do for a start.

Of course. Fine.

Let's see what surprises
the computer has in store for you.

I'll just feed your information
into our main computer.

Ah, now there's a lady here
who may suit.

Refined-she's on the board of
governors of an arts fund committee.

38 years old.

Knocking on a bit, isn't she?

She's widowed.

Her late husband was a stockbroker.

No. I don't think you're right
for each other.

No, no. Don't jump the gun.
I'll give it a bash if she will.

No. She's a sensitive person.

That's right up my street.

Yes, but she's specified
a non-smoker.

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Now, this looks more promising.

Young lady, 30 years old.
Something of a career woman.

- Yeah, go on.
- She's an actress.

Yeah? Is she famous?

I wouldn't have thought so,
would you?

No. No, I suppose not.

It might be a nice introduction,
as you share a common interest.

What's that?

The arts.

Oh, yes, yes!

Right, yeah. Perfect.

Where do we meet and how
do we recognise each other?

Assuming that the young lady
fancies it. What was her name again?

Miss Turner. Raquel Turner.

Raquel.

Raquel.

Raquel is my most favourite name.

How fortunate.

In the present social climate,
we recommend meeting during the day -

a lunch appointment or something.

After that, it's up to the clients.

A good meeting place
is under the clock at Waterloo.

It's traditional and quite romantic.

It evokes memories of Trevor Howard
and Celia Johnson.

We suggest that the gentleman
carries a bunch of flowers

as a gift for the lady.

Right. Did they hit it off?

Who?

This Trevor and Celia sort.

Yes, yes.

Cushty. Well, you get on the blower
and give Raquel the old SP.

Tell her to keep on her toes.

The last girl I met at Waterloo
station got mugged on the escalator.

Yes, I'll tell her.

When-or indeed if -
you and Miss Turner should meet,

we do emphasise the importance
of honesty.

There is little future
in fabrication or deceit.

I agree. We've got to be
right upfront with each other.

Good. I'm afraid I'll have
to trouble you for the �25 fee.

- Right.
- I'm sorry. I've forgotten.

Is there an E
on the end of your name?

No. No E. It's Duval.

Derek Duval.

You going out?

No. I'm going to bleed the brakes
on the van.

Of course I'm going out.

Is it a special occasion?

It could be, Albert.
You never can tell.

I thought it might be one of your
mates' birthdays or something.

No. I'm taking a young lady
out to lunch.

When I was a lad, I had
some smashing birthday parties.

When you get to my age,
nobody bothers.

I know. It's a bark, innit, eh?

Yeah.

So who's the bird?

She's not a bird. She's an actress.

Yeah? Who?

Raquel Turner.

Name don't ring a bell.
What's she been in?

Oh, loads of things. I can't
remember off the top of me head.

What's she look like?

Um...

It's rather difficult to describe her.

Well, is she tall, short,
dark, fair, fat or thin?

She's an actress.
She keeps changing her appearance.

How are you going to recognise her?

I'll recognise her.
Just don't keep going on about it.

If you've got anything for
the laundrette, go and get it now.

It's not your washing day today.

No, but Rodney's going out.
I don't want to sit here on me own.

All right.

Hello, Miss Turner, may I say... No.

How do you do, Ms Turner?

May I say how very pleased I am
to meet you?

I've admired your work for many years.

May I call you Raquel?

Raquel is one
of my most favourite names.

Yeah!

My old joie de vivre
will knock her bandy.

Now, then, a quick livener, I think.

Then off we go.
Now, where's that...?

Ahem!

You're still here, then?

Just about, just about.

- Don't you have a date with Nerys?
- Yeah, I have.

You better hurry up and get changed.
You'll be late.

I am changed.

You're going out like that?

What's wrong with me?

You look like an 'ooligan.

It is the fashion.

Haven't you read about it?
It's called the James Dean look.

Yeah, but when they said
the James Dean look,

they meant before the crash!

I can't see you getting far with
that Nerys bird dressed like that.

Oi! You just keep it out, right?
Let me lead my own life.

All right. Maybe she goes for blokes
who look like Barney Rubble.

I thought you were going out.

I am going out.

Hurry up and change, I'll take
those clothes down the laundrette.

I am wearing these clothes.

Yeah? Where are you taking her,
scrumping?

Del Boy's going out to lunch
with a world-famous actress.

Yeah? You got my socks and pants
in there?

Yeah. I've got 'em, boy.
See you later.

So who is it? Meryl Streep?

No. Raquel Turner.

- Are you kidding me?
- No. Straight up.

The Raquel Turner?

Yeah. Have you heard of her?

No.

She been in anything?

Yeah, loads of things,
but nothing you would have seen.

What's that mean?

She has not been on Top Of The Pops
or repeats of Batman.

Where are you taking her?

I am meeting her
at Waterloo Station,

and I have booked a table
for lunch...

- At the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane.
- You taking the van?

No. I am not taking the van.

Where would you meet an actress?

A friend of mine's in showbusiness.
He introduced us.

Wait a minute.

The other day, Albert took a call
for you from some agency.

Oh, was it?

Is your mate an agent?

Yeah, that's right.
He's a show business agent.

Bloody 'ell, Del.
Wait till I tell the others.

Any chance of an autograph?

Yeah, no problem.
I'll get you hers as well.

Del, you don't think you might
be being a little bit...

Well, ostentatious?

Well, maybe, but I can afford it.

Yeah, but I mean
the Hilton and all that.

You don't think you're being
a teensy weensy bit over the top?

I mean, she's an actress, isn't she?
She'll be cool and laid back.

Rodney, give me credit
for having some savvy.

I do know that a woman like Raquel
appreciates the subtle approach.

I have played the game before.

I do know what I'm doing.

Yeah, 'course you do.
Well, best of luck, eh?

Cheers, bruv.

Open the door for us, Rodney.

What's this?

(HORN BEEPS)

- Hi.
- Is this a three-wheel van?

It was the last time I counted.

I've never been
in a three-wheeled van before.

Then you have never lived, Nerys.

It's a bit um...

What's the word? Smelly.

That is the odour of honest toil
and sweat, Nerys.

So where do you fancy going?

- I don't mind.
- You just name your destination.

I don't care.

- So there's nowhere special?
- No. Anywhere.

Shall we take in a movie?

- I don't fancy the pictures.
- How about a drink?

Nah. The pubs around here
are horrible.

- Do you fancy a hamburger?
- I've just had my dinner.

- Where do you want to go, then?
- I don't mind. Anywhere.

That's cool, Nerys.
We'll just cruise.

In a three-wheeled van?

Yes.

This will be an experience
you will never forget, Nerys.

You didn't wind your window down.

I know! Get out quick
before it catches fire.

Hello.

- Hello, love.
- Blimey. You're not Raquel?

I can be anyone you want me to be,
darling.

No, I mean, you're not an actress?

I've played a few demanding roles
in my time.

There's a very nice hotel
round the corner.

Why don't we discuss it there?

No, it's all right. There's been
a mistake. My fault entirely. Sorry.

Oh. You're one of those
who just likes to talk, aren't ya?

No. I'm waiting for someone
and I thought that you...

I'm beginning to lose my rag
with you, sweetheart.

I'm going to count to ten, right,

then I'm going to shove
these flowers up your...

(TRAIN WHISTLES)

You realise that will be extra.

Gordon Bennett!

Oh, hell, the filth.

See ya, darling.

(ROCK MUSIC ON RADIO)

What's that?

(YELLS AND JEERS)

Swivel on that, camel-breath!

- Weren't you frightened?
- What, of them punks?

No way.

Hello.

He nearly nicked one of your mates
just now,

so I'd have it away on your toes.

Is it Derek?

- Raquel?
- Yes.

Hi.

Hello. Hello. I'm sorry about that.

No. I should apologise
for being so late.

You know what the trains are like.
Have you been waiting long?

Since about ten o'clock
this morning.

No, no. It was just a joke.

Oh, sorry... These are for you.

Oh, you shouldn't have gone
to all this expense.

Mais oui, mais oui.

I've booked a table at my favourite
restaurant if that's OK with you.

Oh, yes, sounds lovely.

Right.

Your carriage awaits.

Thank you.

(RAQUEL) This is a bit
like Brief Encounter, isn't it?

(DEL) You reckon?

(RAQUEL) That's my favourite film.

(DEL) Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And it's mine.

Really?

(DEL) My favourite bit is when
the big spaceship comes down

and all the Martians come out.

(RAQUEL) That's Close Encounters.

(DEL) Yeah, I love it.

I always thought
you were such a quiet person.

They're the ones you've gotta watch.

But just now you were so...

Well, tough.

I get by.

I've lived in these streets
too long to be frightened.

Those punks back there are used
to people running scared from them.

They don't scare me.

This is my jungle

and I'm at the top of the tree.

What's wrong, Rodney?

Nothing.

Why are we going so fast?

I love speed.

You said we were going to cruise.

Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly.

And that's from moi.

Sorry about that. I had
to get a message to a friend.

That's OK.

Get stuck in. Don't wait for me.

This is wonderful.

You can't go wrong here.

I hope you don't mind me
saying this, Raquel,

but I'm surprised to find someone
like you-attractive and talented -

at a computer dating agency.

I might say the same about you.

A successful person -

managing director
of his import-export business.

Why did you go to them?

Dunno, really.

I suppose I was grabbing at straws.

I've been married before
and that was a disaster,

and I've had relationships with men
which have always ended unhappily.

Maybe it's been the same for you?

No. Blokes don't do a lot for me.

You know what I mean.

I found I used to take
my relationships seriously.

Used to plan-stupid things like that.

But they were just playing a game.

Anyway, when I saw the agency's
advertisement, I thought, "Why not?"

At least I knew I'd be meeting
someone who wanted me to be there.

- Was it the same for you?
- Exactly, yeah.

I just thought that you'd be meeting
lots of people on film sets

and that sort of thing.

Look, I've got to be honest
with you.

The agency asked me what I did for
a living, so I said I was an actress.

Well, I suppose that's what I am.

I'm a member of the union, at least.

I had one line in a Doctor Who
about ten years ago.

I was a lizard person.

I've done fringe theatre,
that sort of thing,

but I never got the chance
to "make it".

I gave it all up for nine years
when I was married.

My husband thought there
should only be one bread winner.

Yeah, my dad was like that.

He got up at six every morning
to make sure Mum got to work.

No. Straight up.

Anyway, recently I've tried
to pick up my career -

for what it was -
but I can't see me doing anything.

Au contraire, Raquel. Au contraire.

This time next year,
you'll be a star.

- Oh, come on.
- No. She Who Dares Wins.

That is my motto.

I've always said that
to my kid brother.

"Rodney, this time next year,
we'll be millionaires."

And look at you now.

Yeah. Look at me now.

The secret is, if you want something
bad enough, you'll get it,

if you don't stop believing.

This is nice.

There's a lovely feeling of...

I don't know. Honesty.

Yeah, well...

That's what it's all about, innit?

- Mr Duval?
- Yes?

I'm sorry, sir. There's a call
from your New York office.

Thank you, Charles.
Sorry about this.

Please, it's no problem.

- Would you tell them I'm busy?
- Of course, sir.

- Don't do this for me.
- No. I'm enjoying the company.

I'm not going to have it spoilt
by some problem in New York.

These Yanks have to learn
to make decisions for themselves.

To success.

Wotcha, Dave!

Thank you, John.

When the agency phoned and mentioned
you, I was really excited.

A man of the arts. You don't often
meet someone interested in theatre.

Yeah. I love it.

Going into a theatre is so
exhilarating. Just the feel of it.

Yeah. Gets me going an' all.
You can't whack a good play, can you?

Did you see the RSC's production
of Moli�re's Le Misanthrope?

No. I was out.

Out of the country?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I was away on business.

You missed something wonderful.

I know. I was gutted.

That's the sort of play you like,
is it?

Not really. I like anything to do
with entertainment.

When I was a kid, my mum sent me
to tap dancing lessons.

I loved it.

When I was about 17, another girl
and me formed a pop duo.

Double Cream we called ourselves.
We were rotten!

But that's what I mean.
I like anything.

Pop music to heavy drama.

I just love the works of Shaw.

Oh, yeah.

# Like a puppet on a string... #

You're just putting me on!

No. I really do like it.

Thank you, Charles.

Thank you. I've really enjoyed
this afternoon.

So have I.

Um... Do you fancy going out
Saturday night?

Saturday? No, I can't make Saturday.

That's all right. Thought I'd ask.

No. I'm always busy on Friday
and Saturday nights at drama class.

Oh, drama class.

I teach.

Oh, right. Well, what about
Monday night, then?

- I'd love to.
- Right.

Good. Where shall I meet you, then?

Why don't you come round the flat?

Yeah. OK.

You don't have to worry.
I'm not a pervo or anything.

I figured that one out.

I've kept you away
from your business.

That's all right. My brother
handles things when I'm not there.

Get his number!

I don't believe it!
They only gave me this yesterday.

- Did you get it?
- No, he was going too fast.

But there can't be too many yellow
three-wheeled vans around here.

That's right. I'll get him.
You see if I don't.

(HORN BEEPS, SHOUTING)

You...

I...

Don't ever do that again.

What's wrong, Nerys?

Nerys?

(SADE SONG PLAYING)

- Do you want another brandy?
- No. I'm fine, thanks.

Please sit down.

Right.

You didn't have to cook a meal.
I said I'd take you out for dinner.

It's my way of saying thank you
for the lunchtime.

Well, it was really lovely.
Thank you.

Do you think your car
will be all right out there?

We get a lot of vandalism here.

That's why I didn't bring the car.

You leave a Ferrari out there
and see what you come back to.

Oh, good.

These flowers lasted well,
didn't they?

I'm not throwing them away.

They're my memories of a lovely day.

Do you want a coffee?

Yes, please.

Raquel...

Mmm.

I like you.

I like you.

Good.

- Um...
- Look at the state of this wall.

Yeah. It's horrible, innit?

Yeah, listen, I wanted
to ask you something.

Oh, Del.

Wait a while, eh?

See how we feel.

No, no, not that. No.
Cor blimey, no!

No. I had this idea
that might help you

and I wanted to talk to you
about it.

You see, I've got a friend
who's a mason...

I don't need a mason.
A plasterer can do that.

No, no. I don't mean a stone mason.
I mean a Masonic mason.

You know, it's...

Come in here and let me talk to you.
Put that down.

Sit down.

Now...

- You're a talented actress, right?
- Says who?

Says me. I can tell these things.

But life has never given you
a decent break,

and you can't prove yourself until
someone gives you that break, right?

Yeah.

Right. Well...

My friend's fellow mason
is a television director.

Right?

So if I become a mason,

I can get him to give you
that break-put you in a show.

Why would he do that?
He doesn't even know me.

He don't have to. Masons have
to do favours for each other.

He couldn't refuse to help me.

But what favour would you do him?

I don't know. I'll drop him a monkey
or something.

He'll be as sweet as a nut.

You'd actually join the masons
just to help me?

Yeah.

I mean, it's no sweat.

It's only the masons.
It's not like the Moonies.

They chuck a good dinner and dance
an' all.

But I'll be cheating, wouldn't I?

Of course you wouldn't be cheating.
I'll do all that for you.

I mean I'd be using inside influence
to further my career.

That's the name of the game, innit?
It's who you know.

You can't hang about for three years
waiting to be discovered.

You've got to get in before
you're past your sell-by date.

- Thanks.
- You know what I mean.

I mean, this is
your first opportunity,

it could be your last.

You've got to get in while
the going's good. She Who Dares Wins.

Well, I...

I'll leave it up to you.
Whatever you think best.

All right.

You do the coffee
and I'll do the bizzo.

Do you think it'll work?

Yeah, 'course.
It'll be a piece of cake.

They've been begging me
to join their lodge for years.

(PHONE RINGS, DOG BARKS)

Get out of there, Duke!

Get out!

Daddy will be cross!

Marlene! That dog
is in my aquarium again!

I've told him to get out,
but he don't take any notice!

He'll take some bloody notice
when I put piranha in there!

You're the master of the house,
you get him out!

Hello. This is the Boyce house.

Marlene, it's Del Boy.
How are you, sweetheart?

Oh, hello, Del. How's tricks?

Never better. Is the old man about?

Yeah, unfortunately.
I'll get him for you.

Del, when you've finished,
don't put the receiver down.

I want a word with you
about Albert's birthday.

Oh, Gawd! It's this Friday, innit?

Raquel?

We've got a bit of a celebration
on Friday. Do you fancy it?

Not Friday. I'm at drama class.

Oh, yeah.

Couldn't you knock it on the head
just for this week?

- I'd like you to meet my family.
- I can't. It's the final rehearsal.

Anyway, I'm no good
at meeting families.

I always say something stupid.

You haven't met my family.

Hello.

Hello, Boycie. Del Boy.

Yeah, listen. I want you to do me
a very big favour.

I want you to recommend me for
membership to your Masonic lodge.

What's happened, Del? Someone slip
angel dust in your pina colada?

Oh, no, no.

Only the most respected members
of our society can join my lodge.

You said they'd take anyone.

Yeah, but it wouldn't stretch
to you. You'd be blackballed.

It'll be a doddle.
One of my best friends is a member.

- Who?
- You.

Oh. No, no, Del.

I couldn't possibly consider
proposing someone like you.

No. Listen, Boycie,
I'd be a very good mason.

I can prove it. Masons are supposed
to do each other favours, right?

You do me the favour of proposing
me, and I'll do one for you.

And what might that be?

I won't tell Marlene
about that bird in Sheffield.

You wouldn't?

Try me.

No, no, no, Del.

You may be many things,
but you are not a grass.

I don't think we've got anything
else to say. Bye for now.

Don't put it down. I want to talk
about Albert's birthday.

Del? What do you think he'd like
for a present?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I do know that he does like
a bit of fishing,

and he was talking about getting
himself a proper anglers' knife.

But it must be made
of Sheffield steel.

- Sheffield?
- Give us that phone!

Yes, Boycie? Thank you, Boyce.

Thank you. Bye.

(PLAYS AND SINGS TUNELESSLY)

Look at that daft old twonk.

Be grateful for small mercies.
The Queen has two birthdays a year.

- That's true.
- Del. You promised me, mate.

What can I do, Mike?
You've given him too much to drink.

He's started to slur his words.
He's offended some of the ladies.

- How do you mean?
- Well, he wanted a rum and black,

but he ordered a bum and rack.

Well, cross your fingers
he doesn't fancy a Bucks Fizz.

Come on, then, tell us. What happened
at the Masonic lodge last night?

Oh, yeah.

I had to meet the committee members -
try to make a good impression.

So are you a mason now?

No, no, not yet. The committee
are discussing me this evening.

As Boycie said, there's always the
chance that I could be blackballed.

What's that,
part of the initiation ceremony?

No, no, no, no.

You see, each committee member has
one white ball and one black ball.

To vote, they put one of their balls
in a bag.

- Snooker balls?
- Yeah.

Got you.

And when they empty the bag,
if all the balls are white, you're in,

but if there's one black ball -
just one-you're out.

You're doing all this for Raquel?

Yeah.

She's worth it, Rodney.

I can't wait to meet her.
Is she coming tonight?

- No, she can't. She's rehearsing.
- What in?

A rehearsal room, I suppose.

No. I mean what play?

Oh. I don't know.
Something deep and meaningful.

One of them Russian jobs
most probably.

The ones we don't watch on BBC2?
Chekhov, that sort of stuff?

No. They was the ones
I never used to watch,

but in them days I wasn't esoteric.

No?

No. Raquel's taught me what's what.

Oh, yeah.

Stick me in front of TV with
a Singapore Sling and a bit of Chekhov

and I'm as happy as a sand boy.

She's good news, Rodney.
She really is.

She's lovely, she's beautiful,
she's talented.

She got a good pair of lungs on her.

Yeah?

Yes. She's got a good singing voice.

She's got a voice that's a cross
between Kiri Te Kanawa

with a little touch
of Whitney Houston.

Lovely.
Just what the doctor ordered.

Here's Boycie. Boycie!

Over here!

Sit yourself down, Boycie.

Have the committee
come to a decision?

Yes, Derek, and it's bad news.

Well, bad news for you at least.
You were blackballed.

Oh, no.

Someone put a black ball in the bag?
Who?

When they emptied the bag,
there was more than one black ball.

- Blimey.
- Let's put it this way...

Like the bottom of a rabbit's hutch.

I'm sorry, Derek. I did my best.

What am I going to tell Raquel now?

Look, if she's as talented
as you say she is,

she don't need you bribing
some television director.

Her talent will win through.

You're right, Rodney.

You're right. Yeah.

She's going to be a star
because she's got talent.

(ALBERT SHOUTS)

Which is more than you can say
for that old git.

# Oh, I put me finger
in a woodpecker's hole

# And the woodpecker said,
"Gawd bless my soul!

# "Take it out, take it out

# "Wiggle it about, remove it!" #

Albert, that is enough!

Del, can't you chuck him in the van
and drive him home?

With that engine,
you must be joking.

It needed a walking frame
to get here.

- It was going all right before.
- When was that?

I saw Dave. Some of his mates
were following him.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, but the engine was
well lumpy then, Del.

It was going a fair old lick though.

Yeah, but it was making
a terrible noise.

Hang on. What's this all about?

(ALBERT) All together now...
# I... #

Albert Trotter?

Aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter,
late of her Majesty's ship Peerless?

- Aye, sir.
- I'm placing you under arrest.

- They're nicking him, look.
- What's going on?

You will be taken to Portsmouth
where you will await court martial.

Yeah, but... But why?

Dereliction of duty.

November 19th 1941, while serving
with the Royal Pacific Fleet,

you did wantonly abandon
your watch duties,

causing the sinking of HMS Peerless

and damaging the American vessel
USS Pittsburgh.

But that was nearly 50 years ago.

The papers have just been found
in the Admiralty vaults in Singapore.

I couldn't understand the radar.
It was all blibs and blobs.

- Read the charges, Petty Officer.
- Aye aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter,

you are ordered by Her Majesty the
Queen, the Lords of the Admiralty,

and by all your friends
and relatives

to have a very happy birthday!

# I'd like to get you

# On a slow boat to China

# All to myself

# Alone... #

- Is this your birthday surprise?
- Yeah.

I saw this strippergram
in the local paper.

I've done him up like a kipper.
Look at his face!

You wait! I'll get you for this,
you toerag!

# I'd like to... #

Raquel?

Raquel? Is this the actress you've
been telling us so much about?

(LAUGHTER)

That's your Raquel?

All right?

Oddly enough,

I am not all right!

Del, don't get out of your pram
over it.

Don't get out of my pram?!

Don't get out of my pram?

She's just humiliated me
in front of my friends!

But you booked her.

I did not book her, Rodney!
I booked a strippergram.

I did not know it was her

because I did not know
she did that for a living.

I thought she was an actress
because she said she was.

Instead she goes round pubs
dressed in stockings,

flashing her thre'penny bits!

I shouldn't worry about it.

I don't think many people noticed.

Anyway, what about when you went out
with that bird Monique?

She used to go round in public
wearing next to nothing.

She was a lifeguard!

Well, yeah, all right.

Del!

Wait a minute!

I wouldn't talk to him yet, love.

He'll calm down in a year or two.

You lied to me!

No, I didn't!

I never told you
I wasn't a stripper!

Anyway, that's the pot
calling the kettle black.

Your name is Trotter. You told me
you were called Derek Duval!

Derek Duval?

That was just a slip of the tongue.

And you didn't tell me
you were a market trader.

I suppose this is the Ferrari!

All right. So I might occasionally
tell the odd porkie or two.

I tell you something I don't do.

I don't go round pubs
dressed in stockings

flashing me boobs at geezers!
Do I, Rodney?

No. He's never done that.

Thank you.

Oh, Del, please listen to me.

I just do this a couple of evenings
a week to pay for my drama lessons.

What do you think I live on?

I don't know. I thought you was
on the old rock 'n' roll.

No, I'm not on the dole.
I pay for my own way in this world.

I'm sorry you don't like
what I do for a living.

I don't bloody like it either!

You said you wanted me
to meet your family.

I meant with your bloody clothes on!

I got blackballed for you.

I'm sorry.

Before you start moralising, just
remember one thing-you booked me.

I didn't know it was you.

So it's all right for you
to leer over a stranger?

Yes!

No... Oh, I don't know!

Look...

This is probably a daft question
but...

do you want to see me any more?

Yes, of course I want
to see you again, sweetheart.

But I'll pay at the door
like the other punters.

There was no need
to say that to her, Del.

I know there wasn't.

Now I wish I hadn't.

Like most things in my life...

it's too bloody late.

(ENGINE WHIRRS)

I fancied a bit of a walk anyway.

Is that true, then?

Is what true?

All these rumours about you
falling in love with some stripper.

Oh, leave it out, Sid!
I wasn't in love with her.

I was just knocking about with her.

That's what I thought. Del Boy
wouldn't get serious over some tart.

No. What do they think I am?
Some sort of wally?

A cup of tea please, Sid?

All right?

What's up with you now?

Is it the �175 repair bill
for the van?

Is it her?

- Her?
- Raquel.

I've never known anyone
called Raquel.

No. Right.

Are you coming down the Coach
the Horses tonight? They've got a strip...

...comedian on.

No, I don't think so. I'll stay in
and watch a bit of telly.

There's one of them Chekhov plays
on BBC2.

Load of old cobblers.

Raquel, what a lovely surprise.

Look who's here, Del.

You got time for a cup of tea?

I don't know.

Have I got time for a cup of tea?

It's a free country.

See, I told you he'd mellow
after a bit.

Well, I've got to go somewhere to...

Well, I've got to go somewhere.

Here, have my tea.

(WOMAN) Oi, Rodney!

(RODNEY) Oh, hello, Mrs Samson.

(MRS SAMSON) What did you do to
my Nerys? White as a sheet she was.

(RODNEY) It weren't me.
It was some yobs.

What sort of week have you had?

Blinding. You?

Rotten.

It's a tough old world.

Tougher than I ever imagined.

I've resigned
from the strippergram agency.

- Good.
- I've signed on the dole.

It's a step up the ladder, innit?

Why didn't you tell me
what you did for a living?

I didn't want you to find out
in that way.

Look, I took a job to give birthday
greetings to Albert Trotter.

It had been paid for
by someone called Derek Trotter.

If I'd known your real name,
I wouldn't have taken the job.

You still didn't tell me
what you did for a living.

I was hoping there'd be no need to.

After I met you
and I realised we were...

becoming close,

I planned to pack
the whole strippergram business in.

It just didn't work out that way.

I thought I knew you.

I knew nothing.

You were all disguises and secrets.

Sorry.

I'm going on a tour.

Yeah? I bet it's a mystery one.

No, it's no mystery.

An agent called me.
It could be helpful to my career.

Cushty.

You won't have to worry
about bumping into me.

It's a tour of the Middle East.

The Middle East?

I didn't know they went in for
Uncle Vanya and Run For Your Wife.

No, it's not a play, it's a revue.
Dancing, that sort of thing.

Oh, use your noddle, Raquel.

You read about that sort of thing
in the papers.

You'll end up as a hostess
in some topless dive in the casbah.

No. It's an official tour.
All above board.

You'll probably get kidnapped
and end up in a harlem.

Don't be silly.

If that's what you want.

It's not what I want.
It's the next best thing.

It's a shame we weren't
more honest with each other.

Look, I was straight with you.

Oh, all right,
so I called meself Duval.

That's nothing, is it?
That's just a joke.

I didn't tell you any other lies.

- Del?
- What's he want?

Maybe it's another call
from your New York office.

Del, I just want to say thanks.

What for?

For lots of things.

For being the only man I've ever met
who wanted me to keep my clothes on.

For getting blackballed for me.

For giving me back some self esteem.

I used to look in the mirror
and think, "Oh, you again".

But after I met you,
I used to think,

"Great. Another day.

"You're going to be somebody.

"This time next year,
I'll be famous."

Thanks for that.

Raquel...

would you like
some of my fried bread?

Yes.

When are you leaving?

Tomorrow afternoon.

I've got a cab coming at 12.

It's taking me to Waterloo Station.

That's ironic, isn't it?

It doesn't have to be the end.
We could still see each other.

Yeah. I'll pop over to Addis Ababa
and catch the show.

I mean I don't have to go.

You said you'd agreed to it.

If I'm not there, I'm not there.
They'll have to find a replacement.

Thousands of girls are begging
for a chance like this.

I don't know what to say,
sweetheart.

It's taken me a bit by surprise.

I've done all my thinking
and I know what I want.

If you want me to stay, then I will.

I'm not talking about any commitment
like marriage or living together.

We could just...

be there for each other.

Think about it, won't you?

Yeah. Of course I will.

If you like the idea,
just be at my flat tomorrow.

If not, I'll understand.

Yeah.

I just need a bit of time,
that's all.

OK.

Thanks for the fried bread.

I'll see you...

maybe?

- It was funny at the time.
- Del didn't seem to think so.

No. Well, he wouldn't, would he?

Del's been taking it all very well,
actually.

We'll have to take your word
for that. He ain't been in since.

He had a bit of thinking to do last
night. He had a decision to make.

What? Whether to pay the bill
from the Strippergram agency?

Mike, you're getting
bang out of order...

Morning, all.

Same again for Rodney,
a Singapore Sling for me...

a small rum for Elton John
over there, and have one yourself.

Cheers, Del.

So... what are you doing?

Well, I've been thinking about her
all night last night, Rodney.

She's had a tough old life.

Her old man was a rough-house,
the other blokes were no better.

She's had nothing but bad luck.

Then she met me.

Bloody 'ell, life's a bitch, innit?

That is when her luck changed,
Rodney!

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Yeah, of course.

I've always been bad luck to women.

- No, you ain't.
- No.

I have, I have. Thanks, Mike.

I was thinking back last night
to all the birds that I've known.

I've brought them all
nothing but bad luck.

I'm a bit like that Little Joe.

Little Joe?

Yeah. In Bonanza. Little Joe.

You ain't, Del,
you're nothing like him.

Not in looks.
I mean, he's an ugly-looking git.

You know whenever
you watch an episode of Bonanza

and Little Joe falls in love with
a woman, you know she's gonna die.

As soon as he starts stronging it
with a sort,

you can guarantee
she's going to catch a fever,

get trampled in a stampede
or the Indians will have her.

That's not going to happen to Raquel.

No, I know it won't.
No. I thought about it last night.

I thought, "Whatever happens,

"Raquel is not going to end up
full of arrows."

So I thought I'd give myself a quick
livener, then go round to her flat.

Yeah. Well done, Del.
Stuff what the others think.

That's right, bruv.

Thank you, Rodney. You stuck by me.
You're a diamond.

- Oh, get off, will you?
- No, you are.

I'll never forget that.

- You did laugh at the time though.
- I didn't know who it was!

So this is all serious stuff?

Well, we're not talking about
marriage or even living together,

it's just that...

Just... We're going to be there
for each other.

Cheers. Cheers, Rodney.

- All the best, Del.
- Cheers.

You can imagine how I felt, can't you?
I felt like a right dipstick.

I know we all had a laugh at you,
but no offence was meant.

It's all right, Mike.
It's all forgotten about.

Albert took it well,
although he did threaten to get even.

Del ain't eaten a thing
Albert's cooked ever since.

Talking of Albert,
take that rum over, Rodney.

Look at the time. I'm supposed
to be round Raquel's by noon.

- Tell her to pop in for a drink.
- I will, Mike. Cheers.

There you go, Albert.

So has he reached a decision?

Yeah. He's going round to her flat.

Good. She wouldn't have been happy
touring round the Middle East.

I never liked it over there.

Did I tell you
about that time I was in Cairo?

Yes, you must have, Albert,
you must have.

Oh, Gawd!

What's up, Rodney?

I gotta go.

Blimey, you want
to clean your pipes out, Mike.

It's gone right through him.

Anyway, I must be off.
I'll see ya. Ta ta.

Is your name Trotter?

Yes, that's my name.

Is that your yellow van out there?

What, the one with Trotter
written on the side?

Yes, that's mine.

A couple of weeks ago,
a yellow van very similar to yours

shot the lights between
Lewisham Hill and Woodford Lane.

We're questioning the owners
of all such vehicles.

Oh!

Well, look no further, officers.

It was me.

It's a fair cop. I done it.

You disappoint me, Uncle.

Mr Trotter. Either you're not
taking this very seriously

or you don't understand the full
implications of your last statement.

Come on, darling, I'm a bit pushed
for time. Can we get on with it?

- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean. Hurry up.

Get 'em off!

I thought you'd come up with
something more original than that.

It's got nothing to do with me, son!

If it wasn't anything to do
with you, what...?

Oh, my Gawd!

Nick him!

# I'd like to get you

# On a slow boat to China

# All to myself... #

No. Please!
I've got to meet someone at noon.

You are going to meet someone -
our desk sergeant.

I'm sure you two will get on
like a house on fire.

# Leave all your lovers

# On a faraway shore... #

Look, can you take me
round to Herrington Road?

I gotta meet someone.
It's left here.

If you could just go...

Oh, thanks very much, pal!

# Melting your heart of stone

# I'd like to get you

# On a slow... #

- Can I at least use your phone?
- You're allowed one phone call.

- Thanks. What's the time?
- Twenty to one.

Oh, terrific!

You don't know the code
for Addis Ababa, do you?

# We've got some half-price
cracked ice

# Miles and miles of carpet tiles

# TVs, deep freeze
and David Bowie LPs

# Ball games, gold chains,
what's-their-names and at a push

# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
from a mush in Shepherd's Bush

# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush,
Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush

# No income tax, no VAT

# No money back, no guarantee

# Black or white, rich or broke

# We'll cut prices at a stroke

# God bless Hooky Street

# Viva Hooky Street

# Long live Hooky Street

# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street

# Magnifique, Hooky Street
Hooky Street... #