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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:12,130 --> 00:00:13,802
Hey, Peg.
2
00:00:21,690 --> 00:00:26,161
A fat woman hedgehogged
her way into the shoe store today...
3
00:00:28,770 --> 00:00:33,639
Popcorn air freshener.
That could only mean one thing.
4
00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:37,320
- Bundy night at the movies!
- Bundy night at the movies!
5
00:00:40,530 --> 00:00:44,569
Oh, Peg, you even got the floor sticky,
just like at the theater.
6
00:00:44,770 --> 00:00:46,647
You know what else we do
at the theater?
7
00:00:46,850 --> 00:00:50,320
You're not gonna put M&M's in
your lap and make me hunt for them?
8
00:00:50,770 --> 00:00:54,683
By the time I get there,
they've melted and it gets all gooey.
9
00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:59,089
Well, you know, if you'd get there
sooner, they'd melt in your mouth.
10
00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:02,960
Oh, Peg, it just doesn't get
any better than this. I owe you one.
11
00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:07,880
- Well, maybe after the movies, Al--
- I said owe, Peg, as in "not pay."
12
00:01:09,730 --> 00:01:11,322
- Hey.
- Dad.
13
00:01:16,090 --> 00:01:19,719
Have anything I could use to create the
impression we're having a windstorm?
14
00:01:19,930 --> 00:01:22,569
Yes, but he's sitting on it.
15
00:01:23,610 --> 00:01:27,319
See, my date really gets turned on
by scary situations.
16
00:01:27,530 --> 00:01:30,488
Apparently, taking his clothes off
isn't enough.
17
00:01:31,410 --> 00:01:33,366
So I decided
to create a fake tornado.
18
00:01:33,570 --> 00:01:35,606
You know,
my own little natural disaster.
19
00:01:35,810 --> 00:01:39,485
Oh, like one of your
hand-lotion tsunamis?
20
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:46,449
Now, let's not tease Bud.
He might turn out weird.
21
00:01:48,770 --> 00:01:51,284
You know,
I really did see something on Oprah...
22
00:01:51,490 --> 00:01:55,369
...that said women really do get turned
on by life-threatening situations.
23
00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:57,288
- I know I do.
- Me too.
24
00:01:57,490 --> 00:02:00,243
Why don't you go upstairs
and slip into a dry-cleaning bag...
25
00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:01,929
...see what that does for us?
26
00:02:02,410 --> 00:02:05,482
I'm getting all hot
just thinking about it.
27
00:02:07,530 --> 00:02:10,408
And you wonder
why I have problems with women.
28
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:12,682
- No, we don't.
- No, we don't.
29
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:57,162
Looks like we made it just in time,
Ariel.
30
00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:03,921
That tornado's gonna hit
any second now.
31
00:03:04,130 --> 00:03:06,439
But there's not a cloud in the sky.
32
00:03:06,690 --> 00:03:09,648
Well, haven't you ever heard
of the calm before the storm?
33
00:03:09,850 --> 00:03:15,607
No. But then, I just realized
the Olsen twins are two people.
34
00:03:20,650 --> 00:03:22,720
Look, why don't you just
take a look outside...
35
00:03:22,930 --> 00:03:24,648
...and you tell me what you see,
okay?
36
00:03:38,170 --> 00:03:41,367
Wait a minute. Doesn't
lightning come before thunder?
37
00:03:42,770 --> 00:03:45,159
Yeah, sure,
except in very bad storms...
38
00:03:45,370 --> 00:03:50,080
...when the positive and negative ions
make everything, you know, kooky.
39
00:03:52,410 --> 00:03:55,368
Wow, it's getting really
windy out there, Bud.
40
00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:59,245
You'd better bring those fans in
before they blow away.
41
00:04:00,810 --> 00:04:05,201
I just put those fans out there to
create a counter-vortex to the tornado.
42
00:04:06,930 --> 00:04:12,368
Bud, you are so smart and sexy.
43
00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:15,004
I don't know what you see in me.
44
00:04:16,530 --> 00:04:18,646
Hopefully me, in a minute.
45
00:04:21,890 --> 00:04:25,087
These shoes are too big.
I'm swimming in them.
46
00:04:25,290 --> 00:04:28,646
Well, that would explain
the life preserver under your dress.
47
00:04:31,090 --> 00:04:33,399
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
48
00:04:33,610 --> 00:04:36,602
You've never been
employee of the month, have you?
49
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:41,122
That's right, but if I were you,
I wouldn't be going out on any limbs.
50
00:04:42,010 --> 00:04:45,366
Look, I told you, I'm a five.
51
00:04:45,570 --> 00:04:50,724
And you are going to sell me a five
if I have to sit here all night.
52
00:04:50,930 --> 00:04:52,363
So because you're mad at me...
53
00:04:52,570 --> 00:04:56,006
...you're going to take it out
on a perfectly innocent chair...
54
00:04:56,770 --> 00:04:58,761
...a chair that
has suffered enough already.
55
00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:01,723
Well, I have just about
had enough of you.
56
00:05:01,930 --> 00:05:04,922
You wouldn't say that if I came
with fries and a medium drink.
57
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:14,803
You know medium,
the size between small and you.
58
00:05:16,410 --> 00:05:20,688
I'm not leaving here
until you help me.
59
00:05:20,890 --> 00:05:23,848
I don't know what I could do that God
and Deal-A-Meal couldn't...
60
00:05:24,050 --> 00:05:26,200
...but I'll give it a shot.
61
00:05:28,130 --> 00:05:32,920
Griff, you got any aspirin?
Or a harpoon?
62
00:05:34,050 --> 00:05:35,165
I'm not talking to you.
63
00:05:35,370 --> 00:05:38,646
I can't believe you're still whining
about that little practical joke.
64
00:05:38,850 --> 00:05:40,966
You sent me to death row.
65
00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:44,000
You made a few close friends.
66
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:47,646
And they gave you a cool nickname,
Black Beauty.
67
00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:51,004
Mrs. Black Beauty.
68
00:05:51,210 --> 00:05:53,326
You said you wanted to remarry.
69
00:05:53,530 --> 00:05:56,920
Yeah, but not to a 250-pound Filipino.
70
00:05:57,130 --> 00:05:58,768
Since when are you prejudiced?
71
00:05:59,770 --> 00:06:04,400
- They strapped me in the electric chair.
- We'd have rescued you sooner.
72
00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:07,761
But when you order a burger well-done,
it ought to come well-done.
73
00:06:07,970 --> 00:06:10,438
Another few seconds,
you could have cooked it on my lap.
74
00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:14,962
Well, then, where would
Mr. Black Beauty sit?
75
00:06:16,530 --> 00:06:19,681
Excuse me, but am I invisible?
76
00:06:20,650 --> 00:06:22,800
Possibly from Pluto.
77
00:06:28,410 --> 00:06:31,368
Wow, with the money Bud spent
to get those trees to bend...
78
00:06:31,570 --> 00:06:34,323
...he could have just paid for sex,
like any normal person.
79
00:06:35,530 --> 00:06:39,523
We interrupt Oprah for live coverageof a local twister.
80
00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:41,922
You know, you gotta give Bud credit.
81
00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:47,807
I mean, those live power lines really
look like they hit that school bus.
82
00:06:48,530 --> 00:06:50,919
Kelly, that really is a twister.
83
00:06:51,130 --> 00:06:54,486
Those kids really are trapped
on that bus.
84
00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:58,160
- Cool.
- Cool?
85
00:06:58,370 --> 00:07:00,884
How could you be so insensitive?
86
00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:03,558
This storm could preempt Oprah.
87
00:07:05,410 --> 00:07:07,685
Peggy, Kelly.
88
00:07:13,970 --> 00:07:16,928
As your civil defense block captain,
I'm taking charge.
89
00:07:17,130 --> 00:07:19,769
You are to follow my orders
without asking any questions.
90
00:07:19,970 --> 00:07:23,167
So we're supposed to act
like Mr. D'Arcy?
91
00:07:25,370 --> 00:07:27,600
I said no questions.
92
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:30,885
First, unplug all the appliances.
93
00:07:31,090 --> 00:07:33,399
Oh, I did that when we moved in.
94
00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:37,128
Okay. Then we've got to get
to the safest place in the house.
95
00:07:37,330 --> 00:07:39,002
Oh, well, that would be Bud's room...
96
00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:41,326
...because nothing ever happens
down there.
97
00:07:41,530 --> 00:07:42,519
All right, well, hurry.
98
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:45,881
You've only got time to grab your
most precious, personal possession.
99
00:07:49,450 --> 00:07:51,361
Can I take two?
100
00:07:53,970 --> 00:07:56,643
Somebody help me.
101
00:08:03,690 --> 00:08:09,162
Hey, Al, the wind is really kicking up
on the food court!
102
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:23,123
This tornado is great.
103
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,489
I'll take a falafel.
104
00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:29,525
I'll bet you would.
105
00:08:30,370 --> 00:08:32,964
All right, now, look.
All right, that's it. Just a minute.
106
00:08:33,170 --> 00:08:35,126
A little bit to leeward.
107
00:08:35,970 --> 00:08:40,839
There. All right, now, do me a favor.
Don't stand up till I get my--
108
00:08:44,330 --> 00:08:48,039
Oh, these feel great.
109
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:51,162
Do they have a special gel lining?
110
00:08:51,370 --> 00:08:55,807
Yes, that's the blood spurting
from my severed digit.
111
00:08:56,010 --> 00:09:00,128
Well, these are perfect
for my flamenco class.
112
00:09:06,890 --> 00:09:12,408
Help me. Help me. Help me.
113
00:09:14,530 --> 00:09:17,363
Al, we gotta go.
It's getting real scary out there.
114
00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:21,085
Not as scary as it is down here.
115
00:09:21,570 --> 00:09:23,640
Don't worry.
I won't leave you, Buddy.
116
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:29,523
Help! Help! Help me!
117
00:09:29,730 --> 00:09:31,686
See you, buddy!
118
00:09:36,850 --> 00:09:41,366
I wonder what could happen
to make this situation any worse.
119
00:09:41,570 --> 00:09:43,800
I have to go to the bathroom.
120
00:10:09,290 --> 00:10:10,359
Okay, Marcy.
121
00:10:10,570 --> 00:10:15,121
I opened all the windows, tied down
the rose bushes, turned off the gas...
122
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:18,845
...and cut your underwear
into tiny little pieces.
123
00:10:19,330 --> 00:10:20,285
Why'd you do that?
124
00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:23,846
Because I wanted to be
the block captain.
125
00:10:24,050 --> 00:10:26,280
Well, you're not.
126
00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:29,084
Hey, Mom, do you think Dad's safe
from the tornado?
127
00:10:29,290 --> 00:10:34,489
Oh, honey, I'm sure he's protected
by his "cone of smell."
128
00:10:35,410 --> 00:10:38,720
Yeah, but what if
it's like The Wizard of Oz?
129
00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:41,286
Kelly, what are you thinking?
130
00:10:41,490 --> 00:10:45,642
Daddy's gonna get sucked up by a
tornado, spin around in the air...
131
00:10:45,850 --> 00:10:48,489
...and then land smack
on some wicked witch?
132
00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:53,164
Help!
133
00:10:59,770 --> 00:11:01,840
I'm home.
134
00:11:02,130 --> 00:11:07,204
Well, I guess all we need now
is to have a house fall on us.
135
00:11:17,170 --> 00:11:18,842
Cool.
136
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:32,366
I told you I was a size five.
137
00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:39,447
Well, Al, so much
for your little threesome fantasy.
138
00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:43,040
Oh, that was no threesome, Peg.
That was a fivesome.
139
00:11:43,850 --> 00:11:46,683
Oh, why, oh, why,
did I have to land here?
140
00:11:46,890 --> 00:11:50,246
Why couldn't it have been
a nice toxic waste dump?
141
00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:52,202
Well, it is.
142
00:11:52,930 --> 00:11:55,569
I think I might have cracked
my pelvis.
143
00:11:55,770 --> 00:11:58,000
- Quit whining, Al.
- Hey, you.
144
00:11:58,210 --> 00:12:02,408
I just survived Operation Dumbo Drop.
I don't wanna have no lip from you.
145
00:12:07,490 --> 00:12:11,199
Come on, Al. The women are depending
on us for emotional strength.
146
00:12:14,330 --> 00:12:17,959
It's coming, Marcy!
Do something, quick!
147
00:12:21,130 --> 00:12:22,609
What did you do that for?
148
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:26,439
Well, Marcy did it
and she's the block captain.
149
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:29,325
Well, she certainly
has the haircut for it.
150
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,843
People, people, don't panic.
Everything will be fine...
151
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:36,599
...if we just all move into the basement
in an orderly fashion.
152
00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:39,001
Me! Me!
153
00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:41,685
Hey, hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
154
00:12:41,890 --> 00:12:43,528
Now, aren't we forgetting
something?
155
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,641
Wage-earners
before couch potatoes?
156
00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:48,159
No. I mean Lucky. Where is he?
157
00:12:48,370 --> 00:12:51,840
Same place we always put him
during bad weather. Outside.
158
00:12:52,050 --> 00:12:53,608
Come on, let's get in the basement.
159
00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:56,125
Well, I'm not going anywhere
until I get Lucky.
160
00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:59,367
Well, that should take
about 30 seconds.
161
00:13:02,970 --> 00:13:07,486
Kelly, you take this walkie-talkie
with you and call us if you need help.
162
00:13:07,690 --> 00:13:09,089
Okay. Oh, you know what?
163
00:13:09,290 --> 00:13:11,929
I better take this one,
just in case this one breaks.
164
00:13:13,010 --> 00:13:16,639
Well, good luck and Godspeed. And
remember, we're all in this together.
165
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,528
Hey! Let me in!
166
00:13:21,410 --> 00:13:23,002
I am your block captain.
167
00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:26,805
I am your leader.
You will die without me.
168
00:13:27,490 --> 00:13:29,128
I am in charge.
169
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:32,049
You will die without a leader.
170
00:13:32,330 --> 00:13:35,447
Let me in.
I'm gonna break this door down.
171
00:13:35,650 --> 00:13:41,327
One, two, three!
172
00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:57,605
Attention. I hate you people.
173
00:13:58,290 --> 00:14:00,167
Yeah, well, imagine how I feel.
174
00:14:05,210 --> 00:14:06,928
We're in the middle
of something here.
175
00:14:08,090 --> 00:14:09,443
This is an emergency.
176
00:14:09,650 --> 00:14:12,847
Please put on your pants.
There's a twister coming.
177
00:14:13,490 --> 00:14:14,718
No, there isn't.
178
00:14:14,930 --> 00:14:18,639
I just rigged up some hoses and fans
to trick Ariel into sleeping with me.
179
00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:25,360
Yes, Bud, but in the meantime,
a real storm blew in.
180
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:28,640
So I went to all this trouble
for nothing?
181
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:33,444
Bud, you're obscene.
182
00:14:33,650 --> 00:14:36,801
Who could possibly get turned on
in the face of disaster?
183
00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:45,369
Oh, I'm not turned on.
I just need shelter.
184
00:14:45,570 --> 00:14:47,845
You could be a tree or a garage or--
185
00:14:48,050 --> 00:14:50,325
Or a laundry-folding wimp.
186
00:14:58,490 --> 00:15:03,518
Women, be brave. There is no reason
to lean on us or touch us in any way.
187
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:05,922
For once, I agree with Al.
188
00:15:06,130 --> 00:15:11,158
As your civil defense block captain,
there will be no sex during the storm.
189
00:15:14,210 --> 00:15:16,804
No. No. No.
190
00:15:17,490 --> 00:15:20,607
Help us, Al! Do something.
191
00:15:20,850 --> 00:15:24,047
Don't do that. Not that way.
192
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:27,407
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
193
00:15:46,610 --> 00:15:50,762
Well, I guess it's safe enough
to go upstairs now.
194
00:15:50,970 --> 00:15:54,599
But be careful.
There could be loose beams.
195
00:16:00,330 --> 00:16:02,969
Oh, damn door is jammed.
196
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,606
Move aside, Marcy.
Let the men handle this. Jefferson?
197
00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:09,878
- Bud.
- All right, Dad.
198
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:15,406
What? What? No, no! Wait! No!
199
00:16:19,570 --> 00:16:24,598
Damn door. Damn Bud's head.
Damn soft spot that never healed.
200
00:16:24,930 --> 00:16:26,886
Try it again.
201
00:16:28,450 --> 00:16:30,566
Al, put him down.
202
00:16:30,770 --> 00:16:33,204
All right. Get out of here.
203
00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:38,521
Furniture must be blocking the door.
204
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,925
I hope my couch is okay.
205
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:44,520
There must be another way
out of here.
206
00:16:45,690 --> 00:16:48,363
Hey, Al,
how about the secret way out?
207
00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:53,320
It's a secret.
208
00:16:53,610 --> 00:16:56,363
- Now, don't panic, Jefferson.
- You're right.
209
00:16:56,570 --> 00:16:58,720
After all,
Kelly knows we're down here.
210
00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:01,046
Right.
And as soon as she remembers...
211
00:17:02,290 --> 00:17:05,327
- Help! Help!
- Help! Help!
212
00:17:06,170 --> 00:17:10,129
Come on, Lucky. Come here, Lucky.
Please, stop. Come on, Lucky.
213
00:17:11,290 --> 00:17:15,761
That's weird. I can outrun a tornado,
but I can't catch the damn dog.
214
00:17:15,970 --> 00:17:19,201
Maybe I'll try chasing the tornado
for a while. Yeah, okay.
215
00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:22,402
Here, twister. Come on, twister.
Here, twister.
216
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:27,123
Well, since we're stuck here,
we might as well play Mad Libs. Okay?
217
00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:28,399
I need a verb.
218
00:17:29,050 --> 00:17:30,403
Cluck.
219
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:34,848
Okay.
Somebody give me a command.
220
00:17:35,050 --> 00:17:36,881
Cluck you?
221
00:17:38,570 --> 00:17:40,686
I like you.
222
00:17:42,450 --> 00:17:45,965
You know, perhaps Mad Libs is just a
little too advanced for you people...
223
00:17:46,170 --> 00:17:50,083
...so let's just play 20 questions,
okay? Who'll ask the first question?
224
00:17:50,290 --> 00:17:52,042
Go to hell.
225
00:17:53,050 --> 00:17:55,166
That's not a question.
226
00:17:55,930 --> 00:17:58,398
Why don't you go to hell?
227
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,360
I really like you.
228
00:18:03,810 --> 00:18:08,759
Well, I'm good at games,
except I always lose at strip poker.
229
00:18:13,290 --> 00:18:15,929
Game time is over.
230
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:19,408
Perhaps this would be a good time
to hand out the food.
231
00:18:19,610 --> 00:18:21,680
Okay. But supplies are limited.
232
00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:24,563
So we're gonna have
to pace ourselves.
233
00:18:30,570 --> 00:18:32,720
Good powdered turkey.
234
00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:36,408
Dad, you're supposed to dissolve it
in water first.
235
00:18:38,090 --> 00:18:41,321
Yeah, I thought the turkey
was a little dry this year.
236
00:18:42,210 --> 00:18:45,759
Peg, open up the powdered yams.
237
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:50,402
Al, I can't believe you'd expect me
to cook at a time like this.
238
00:18:51,650 --> 00:18:53,049
Well, it's not over yet, folks.
239
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:57,448
That tornado that hit Cook County isexpected to double back at force five.
240
00:18:57,650 --> 00:19:02,166
Force five? That's five times
stronger than the last one.
241
00:19:07,330 --> 00:19:10,640
Dear God, no.
I can't live through that again.
242
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:16,243
Oh, the darkness, the cold,
the awful suction!
243
00:19:16,610 --> 00:19:19,568
- I'm not talking about the tornado, Al.
- Neither am I.
244
00:19:24,770 --> 00:19:27,807
Hey, Al, I know that we swore
on a stack of Big'Uns...
245
00:19:28,010 --> 00:19:31,047
...to keep the secret way out
a secret, but...
246
00:19:34,570 --> 00:19:39,007
You're right, Jefferson.
This is a matter of life or sex.
247
00:19:43,810 --> 00:19:46,199
- You got your key?
- Always.
248
00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:48,648
On my mark.
249
00:19:56,170 --> 00:19:57,808
Okay, Jefferson. Hurry up.
250
00:19:58,010 --> 00:20:01,320
You realize
we may never see our wives again.
251
00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:05,966
I know.
252
00:20:18,930 --> 00:20:20,648
- I think we made it, Jefferson.
- Yeah.
253
00:20:22,890 --> 00:20:25,563
We're in heaven.
254
00:20:41,330 --> 00:20:44,606
It's not fair.
The Cowardly Lion got courage...
255
00:20:44,850 --> 00:20:48,525
...the Tin Man got a heart,
and you got a brain.
256
00:20:49,010 --> 00:20:52,525
- What did the Wizard give you?
- A physical.
257
00:20:55,530 --> 00:20:58,044
Hey, cut it out!
20917
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