All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything S01E03 Intimacy 1080p NF WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

♪♪

♪♪

(Birds chirp)

(Sleepy sighs)

- Good morning.
- Hmm. Hi.

- Hi.

- Hmm, I don't want to um,
alarm you,

but you have an eyelash.

- Hmm. Can you get it?
- Mm-hmm.

♪♪

(Viv thuds down heavily)
- Oh!

- Oh, my God!
- No. God, oh no.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- How many clams does
a walrus eat every day?

- Stop! Okay, Viv!
- I do not like this brush!

- It's horrible!
- Brush your teeth.

- Five thousand clams!
- Okay, we're almost done, oh.

Astrid: Having kids means
having

a never-ending to-do list.

Sometimes the list is so long
that you get wrapped up in it,

like it's an old-school
phone cord.

James: Or a noose.
- That's why the number

of intimate moments between
you and your partner

starts to go down. And I'm not
just talking about sex.

Deep conversations - gone.

Spontaneous dates - gone.

- Sex.
- I already mentioned that.

- Gone. Doing the crossword
puzzle together

while you look up answers
on your phone, gone.

- You saw that?
- Come on.

- Anyway, the intimacy
in your relationship

can take a back seat
as the number of repetitive,

mind-numbing tasks go up.

Astrid: Okay, Viv, come on.

Will you hold still
for literally four seconds?

I'm almost done.
- What time's our meeting?

- 9:30, but I have to drop
Viv off at my sister's first.

Viv: Ow-a!
You're pulling my hair!

- You're pulling my patience!
What time is it?

Oh, my God, I gotta go. I gotta
get dressed. Take this. Bye!

- Okay, we're gonna do this,
guys. Come on, come on.

(Water rushes)
- (Spits)

- Ugh!
- Sorry.

Astrid: As the tasks pile up,
the moments to connect dwindle.

James: So, you have
to make them count.

- Felix, you'd better not
be reading a book!

- How you feeling about today?
You excited?

- I'm nervous!

I haven't been in the office
in four years, so.

- I can do it myself!

- Um, apparently there's
this big, new project

they wanna catch me up on so...

- Hey, Felix, your bus is here!
Let's go!

- So, like when I go back
in the fall I can just...

- Your bag. You need your bag.
Come on. C'mon, c'mon!

- Bye!
- Just--

- Hey. I miss you.

- Um... no, I don't,
I don't have any.

- Do you think I said tissue?

(Pants whack heavily)
- You do it!!

- Okay, bye!

♪♪

(Phone rings,
footsteps approach)

(Bag lands heavily)

- Whoa, you look terrible.

- So?

You got glitter
all over your face.

- It's an unstoppable force.
What's goin' on with you?

- I had to end it
with Penelope last night.

- Oh, she seemed smart
and cool. What happened?

- Mind games.
- Oh yeah?

- Yeah. She was in my head
all the time.

You know, I'd just be thinking
about her nonstop,

but not even like hot, naked.

We could be at the mall and I'd
see a candle, and I'd think,

"Oh, Penelope would really
like that."

- I... I don't think
that's mind games.

- This is super weird.
A couple days ago,

I almost got hit by a car
on my way to work,

like two meters to the left
I would've been (hands clap).

First thing I thought to do
was call her.

It's like, get outta my head.

- It sounds like you're falling
in love with her.

- Well, something's goin' on.

Anyway, I'm gonna update
my dating profiles

and drown myself in women.

- I wouldn't be afraid
to fall in love, pal.

It's really great.

- Oh yeah? Are you
and Astrid still in love?

- Yes!
- Really?

- Crusher.
- Hmm? Is that... that's me?

- Hell yes, it is!

You have been crushing
this expansion.

Me too. We're both crusher.

Hey, Ennis.
- That's my regular name.

I know what that means.
- Now, James,

I'm gonna need you to take
over a call with a group

of potential franchisees
on the west coast,

3:00 p.m. Pacific Time.
- So, 6:00.

6:00 P.M. our time.

- You have something else
going on then?

- Just my family.
- (Laughs)

Exactly.
Let me know how it goes.

- Wow, Crusher, hey, take me
with you when you climb

the corporate ladder, okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, if he gives me a raise,
I'll do whatever.

Maybe some summer we could
send the kids away to a camp

and Astrid and I can finally
finish a conversation.

- Hmm, sounds like somebody's
playing mind games with you.

Astrid: Hi.
Dawn: Oh, hey!

Viv's upstairs with Corey.

He's just teaching her some
basics on the theremin.

- A theremin.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, what is that?
Is it like a...

like a spooky TV antenna or?

- It's the only instrument you
can play without touching.

Hmm.
- Yep, that's how I sound

when I haven't been touched
in a while.

Anyway, how's the uh, vow
renewal party planning going?

- Super. The catering's all set
and Bo's just putting

the finishing touches
on the commitment arch.

- Oh.
- Oh, how was the meeting?

- I don't know. The reception
area looks like a spa.

Everybody's 25 and
the only person I recognize

besides Chuck is Bubblegum.
- That's a person?

- Yeah, she used to do
the Starbucks run.

Now she's a Chief Project
Planner

who will not respond
to Bubblegum.

- People change and grow.

You know, I used to hate
leaving my desk,

and now, my job takes me
all around the world.

- So you can fire people.
- Someone has to, Astrid.

People don't volunteer to leave
when they've performed poorly

or there's a downturn
in the market.

- Right.

Well, my job is gonna be
completely different.

They've changed all our
graph software

to this like crazy, new...
- Alooga?

Yes, Corey mastered it
at coding camp last summer.

- Okay, well it just seems like
a lot to learn and I'm just,

I'm worried my brain doesn't
work in the same was as it did.

- Well, I think they'd
be lucky to have you.

What does James say?

- I uh, I haven't had a chance
to talk to him about it yet.

- It's always good to share
your feelings.

You know, sometimes Bo
writes his fears on a napkin

and leaves it in my purse,
for me to find.

- Hmm, we need our napkins
for spills,

and sometimes as toilet paper.

♪♪

- Got your text.
They only had two percent.

(Items clatter)

Hello?

Astrid: In here.

(Keys jingle,
footsteps thud)

- Uh oh.
Kids finally break you?

You drop them off
at the fire station?

- They're upstairs watching
an unboxing video.

I just needed for no one
to be talking to me

or touching me
or asking me for juice.

- Hmm. I guess I can get
my own juice then.

- Do you wanna swap the juice
for a beer

and help me make dinner?
- Yah-huh.

How did it go with Chuck?
(Grunts)

- The City might be hosting
some of the World Cup games

and so, obviously
they're not ready.

(James' phone rings)
- Oh, leave me alone.

Not you I... have a work call.
- Right now?

- Yeah. I gotta talk
to the Vancouver people

and I gotta dominate them
or I'm in trouble, I guess.

I'm so sorry.
Hello?

Felix: Mom! The algorithm
is getting weird!

- Okay.

♪♪

(Computer beeps)

James: Felix is finally asleep.

Do you wanna split
that last beer?

- Um, you help your son snooze,
you lose.

- Ah, okay.

Well, I got the consolation
prize.

I wanna hear everything
about today.

Bubblegum still say
"Chai tea"

or has she moved on to coffee?

- Yeah, as much as I wanna
vent about Bubblegum I,

I have to learn Alooga.
- I don't know that means.

- It's ugly and stupid.
- Okay, sounds fun.

You know what we should do?
We should um,

take a little break and
catch up on "Project Runway".

- Okay, no, can you stop
distracting me?

You have a real pop-up ad
energy right now.

- I just, I just wanna
hang out with you.

- I know, I wanna hang out too,
but I have to learn this

if I wanna keep up with
the 20-year-olds

and the 50-year-olds.
- Okay, okay, but Saturday,

we're gonna do some us time.
- Oh no,

we have Dawn and Bo's
vow thing.

- (Sighs)
Viv: Daddy!

Eyes are looking at me!

- All right.
Well, see you when we retire.

(Footsteps approach)

Marla: Insubordination cannot

and will not be tolerated
in this organization.

If Mississauga branch won't
take down their Easter display,

(Items clatter)

...we'll take it down for 'em!

- Yeah, it is a little late
for Easter.

- Okay, do they think
we're not watching?

Keeping track? Writing down
names when the time comes?

- When the time comes
for what, exactly?

- This is a goddamn rebellion.
Crusher? Crush this!

- I'm on it. I'm gonna send
an email worded so strongly

it eviscerates
all traces of Easter.

- Those decorations won't
have a second coming.

- That's a really good joke,
Marla.

- It's great.
Okay, clean this up.

- Whew!

- Why is it that Marla
doesn't seem to notice

or care that you're
on your phone all day?

- Hey, people use their phones
or work all the time.

You ever hear of Slack?
- Are you on Slack?

- No, this is a dating thing.
High Bidder.

You bid against other users
for potential dates.

It's like an auction
for attention.

I lost a bunch of money
when they got hacked,

but uh, they fixed it.
- Dude, that sounds horrifying.

- No, no, no, it's exciting!
See, you gotta be strategic.

You can't just bid
on every girl

or you run out of bid bucks.

Unless of course you get
the platinum membership

but then oh... oh come on!
I got outbid on Zoe.

Damnit! Who the hell
is HogSalad98?

(Frustrated exhale)
(Message alert whooshes)

See? Life is short.

You gotta take your shot
before it's too late.

(Chair rattles)

Where're you going?

- Hey, Marla, I'm gonna tear
a strip off

of this guy in person.
- Crusher! Crusher!

Don't take any egg-scuses.
Easter Eggs.

- Yup, yup.
- That was good too, Marla.

- I didn't ask you.

(Eerie music)

(Dog barks in the distance)

Podcast: Then in October,

Moreland left this chilling
message on Bethany's phone...

- Hello?

Moreland: (Gruff) I have your
finger

but it's no good anymore.

So, I'm gonna get another one
very soon.

(Shrieking, heads thump)

- Ow! Ow!
- Ah!

- God, what is wrong with you?
Why would you do that?

- I was trying to surprise you.
I wanted to...

get some along time with you.
Viv: What did you do to Mommy?

- Huh? Oh.
- Ah! (Screams)

- Oh my, what is she doing
home? I thought she was

supposed to be with your mom?!

- Mom cancelled because
she got bit by a cat.

- What are you doing
with earbuds in?

I could've been a murderer.
- I had an eye on her.

- What's a murderer?
- Oh, that's a tough one.

Uh, let me start here.

- James, go upstairs
and get changed.

- Okay, yes. Okay.
- Aw.

- Damnit, I forgot
the toilet paper!

♪♪

Viv: Got you, Daddy!
James: Oh, there she is!

Oh, God, she's bringing me
down. Bringing me down.

Mrah! Oh.
- Do it again! Do it again!

- Nah, you do me now.
- Who wants pancakes?

- I'm not hungry.
- Pancakes are gross.

I want waffles!

- Well, I wanna take a shower
without one of you

opening the bathroom door,
but here we are.

Nisha: Knock, knock!
- Nannyma!

- Oh, hi, Buddy!

Oh, don't you look like
a pretty princess today, Viv.

- Yeah, she also looks
strong and healthy.

- And sparkly,
like a little treasure.

- Mom, to what do we
owe this drop-in?

- Well, I was hoping
I could borrow the rugrats

for the afternoon.

My friend, Graham,
who helped me with my cat bite,

mentioned that his church
is having a fun fair and well,

I can't go alone.

- Uh, what kinda church
are we talkin' about?

- They had a float in the Pride
Parade. It's all very woke.

- Honestly, I don't care if
it's a death cult sing-a-long

Take them.
Keep them 'til Dawn's thing.

We could really use
the alone time.

- Oh! Okay, okay.
Gotcha, right.

Okay, kids, let's get you
upstairs and get dressed up!

We're going to confession!
Viv: Yay!

- Uh...
- Kidding.

You guys relax enjoy
yourselves.

Light some candles,
have a bath.

- Mom, we don't need
instructions!

- Okay. Al right, kids.
Come on! Let's go!

Oh, just wait 'til
we're gone before

you have the "adult nap".
- Oh, my God.

Okay, kids, can I get
a "Praise Jesus!"

♪♪

Astrid: When you have
young kids,

you take time for yourself
wherever you can.

You hide out in the bathroom

or you let them watch
a little more TV.

James: Sometimes when I take
the recycling out,

I kinda just stand there
for a minute.

- That sounds nice.
- Oh, the best.

- But when you suddenly
come into hours

of unplanned free time
it can be super stressful

Deciding what to do with it.

- Yeah, you don't wanna waste
your free time

so you panic and just start
doing... stuff.

Well, the place looks a little
bit less disgusting.

- Hmm.
- What should we... do?

- Hmm.

♪♪

(Taps wooden spoon)

- This is your opening move?

Music?
- Oh yeah, that'd be nice.

- Okay, what are we lookin'
at here? Do we want like,

a Taylor Swift situation,

or like a Cardi B vibe,
God willing?

- Is there somewhere
in the middle?

- Oh, Pink? I don't know,
that just feels wrong.

This is, it's an interesting
question that's kind of like

a thought experiment.
- James.

- Hmm. Yes, sorry. I just,
I want this to be perfect,

but also, who cares.
Drum and bass.

(Phone vibrates)

♪♪

One more just... quick question.

Did you happen to bring that
spoon up here?

By any chance?
- Hmm.

Oh! Oh, wow! Wow! Wow!

That was so, so...
ooh, so good. So good.

Oh!

- James?
- Ahem, hmm, my love?

- Was that what... did you?

- Have my mind blown? Yes.

Yeah, that was so, so good.

- Did you just fake that orgasm?

- What are you talking about?

- I can feel things, you know.

Or not, as the case may be.

- Yeah, okay. Here's what
probably happened.

I was, I've been practicing
a lot of self-love... recently.

- Oh.

- And that's... it reduces
the um, output.

- Yes, that must be it.
When were you doing that,

when you were washing the
dishes, or driving to work?

- No. I, um...

fine I was faking it!
- Yes, I know!

- Well, oh, your face,
your face,

it looked like you were
somewhere else.

Both: (Sigh)

- I'm sorry.
Yeah, I was distracted.

I got that work text
and then it, it got in my head.

- It's fine. It's my fault.

I should've had a playlist
queued up.

- No. No, well, drum and bass
is very demanding, but no,

I just honestly, I just can't,

I can't stop worrying
about work.

- Come on, that's normal.
It's fine.

- No, I feel like I'm not
ready. I feel like I'm not,

like I'm not cut out
for it anymore.

- Look, as someone who works
in an office, trust me,

nobody is cut out for it.
You are gonna be fine.

- I know I'm gonna be fine,
I'm just saying to you

that I'm intimidated
to go back.

- You're gonna be amazing.
You can do anything.

- What is, what are you doing?
What are you,

like one of Viv's t-shirts?
You're just saying that

because you don't wanna change
the plan.

- (Sighs) Listen...

two incomes is a good plan.
That's--

- Because you think
that me going back means

that we won't have another
baby. Like, I can't do both.

- Oh God. Do we have to talk
about this now? Come on.

(Sheets ruffle)

- (Sighs)
Do we have a bottle of wine

to take to Dawn and Bo's thing?
- No.

I'm sure we'll find something.

(Bottle thuds on counter)
(Indistinct party chatter)

- Oh, that's so great.
(Theremin whines)

- So, this is the theremin.

This controls the volume.

You can also use this
to control the volume.

- Well, I hope you two
had a productive afternoon?

- I'm gonna go annoy my kids.
- Oh, please!

- Who brought the chincy
Irish Cream?

- Who knows?
You look beautiful.

- Oh, thank you. Purple.

(Indistinct party chatter)

Dawn: Kids, you have to be
careful with that, okay?

Thank you.
Thank you for being with us

as Bo and I celebrate
our 11th trip

around the sun together.
- Woo!

Bo: As we do every year,
I'd like to recommit

to the vows we pledged
11 years ago. (Chuckles)

I'd also like to add
some amendments.

- Oh.
(Guests laugh)

- Hey, hey, easy with the cream
puffs. Here, take this.

- Yuck!
- (Light chuckles)

- Okay. In sickness
and in health, yes,

but also in home renovation
purgatory.

- (Guests chuckle)

Dawn: But what is eleven?

Except a couple of ones
who decided to stick together.

All: Aw...

♪ Harbor in a storm ♪

♪ A doorway in an earthquake ♪

♪ A helicopter
in a volcanic eruption ♪

♪ A panic room in a riot ♪
- Oh, my God.

Dawn: (Laughs)

Most of you haven't aged
a day since the wedding,

except of course,
our ring bearer, Charlotte.

Woman: Hi, Charlotte.
(Phone keys clack)

Bo: Dawn, I know that come
what may,

I can never really die as long
as I have your love and support

and your paella.
- Oh, damnit Bo,

why do I let you go first
every year? You did it again!

- Oh!
- I'm a mess.

Bo, I love you,

and I love our sensible
sex life.

- What?! Shh...
Both: Cheers!

(Singing in foreign language)

- (Clicks teeth) Oh.

♪♪

(Footsteps tap on stairs)

♪♪

Both: Cheers!
(Cork plops in wine)

(Lid rattles)

(Footsteps approach)
- (Sniffs)

- Hey, Corey's about
to start his theremining.

Saw the set list.

He's got a song called
"A Tear with Three Sides".

(Flops heavily)

- Should've called it
"Criangle".

- Mm-hmm.

(Groans)

- (Sighs)

- I'd love to hear why you're
intimidated to go back to work.

- What if I've been out of
the data analyst game too long,

and I suck,

and it confirms that I'm only
good at being a mom?

- Hmm.

You know, you might suck.

You might make a pie chart
so bad it kills thousands.

- Why would I have
egg on my face?

- But you also might regret
not giving it a shot.

You love that job.

- Yeah, I know,

and I know that I'm supposed
to want to go back,

and that's why I feel
guilty for also

stupidly wanting this baby.

- No, it's not stupid.

It's nuts, but it's not stupid.

Trust me, being a great mother
is not nothing.

I grew up with my mom
yelling at me over "Y&R".

- No.

I can't even imagine
your mom shouting.

- You never got between
her and her stories.

(Theremin wails in background)

- Oh. Is that a theremin?
(Astrid laughs)

- Is that what a theremin
sounds like?

- Yes.
- That's like a drunk radio.

- Yeah, like a mosquito
trying to hypnotize you.

- The kid is so weird.

(Both laughing)

♪♪

Astrid: Good night, Viv.
James: Good night, Felix.

♪♪

Astrid: It's hard to stay
connected when the focus

of your relationship goes
from one another

to trying to keep your new,
tiny humans alive.

But you need to keep making
time for those moments

where you can.

♪♪

- (Laughs)
- Sh-sh-sh.

James: And it doesn't
just mean sex.

It could be any kind
of connection -

a look, a conversation.

Astrid: Or a pretty freakin'
sweet role in the hay

that you sneak in at a party
without anyone knowing.

James: About that...
I think they may figure it out.

- (Laughs nervously)

- Ugh!
- Ew!

♪♪

- Okay. Yeah.
- Hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Don't look at me.

♪♪

That's a mouthful of cheese.
(Glasses clink)

- You're welcome.
- (Laughs)

- Thought you'd like that.
- Mm-hmm.

It's gonna take me a second.
- (Laughs)

(Theremin music)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪