All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything S01E02 Bodies 1080p NF WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

♪♪

Astrid: The body is a miracle.

You work it, it gets stronger.

You hurt it; it repairs itself.

I launched two babies from this
body and I'm still trucking.

Unfortunately, kids' bodies
are miracles, too.

- Viv, there's no Jell-O in
that box.

It's literally just powder.
Viv! Viv!

Get back here!

Astrid: Stronger,
tireless miracles.

(Items clatter, panting)

Sure, I still get bursts
of activity,

but I wouldn't exactly call
it exercise.

- I'm hungry!
- I know!

(Cupboard clatters)

Ah! Ow!
- What?

- I hurt my neck
by turning my head.

- Oh.
- (Exhales in pain)

- Can I have some grapes?

Astrid: My body used to be
a temple.

Yeah.

Now it's a jungle gym.

(Light knock)
- Thanks for stopping by.

- Yeah, no I mean, you sent me
a text with a knife emoji

saying I had to.
- And you did!

Because you're reliable,

and that's the kind of guy
that I want by my side

When the corporate bloodbath
begins and a new VP

Rises amid the chaos.
Me, obviously.

- Right. I don't love
visualizing like,

a bath full of blood.
It's just...

- You get a stronger tummy,
James.

Gero's Grocery is opening
four new franchises.

That means opportunity is afoot

and you are my top guy.

- Oh, okay.

- Which brings me
to why you're here.

How you're dressed.
- Oh.

- You're dressed like a dad.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Marla,

I just had one clean shirt
left today

and my son's been making this
thing where he mixes butter

with hot chocolate powder
for like, a gross bagel spread.

- I don't need the podcast
on your life, James.

Next week,
there is a groundbreaking

for the newest franchise.

You and your wife are gonna be
there to meet Mr. Gero.

- Well, I'm gonna have
to check to see

if she can make that but--
- Sure.

Doesn't have to be the real
wife, but sure.

- I'm gonna try
for my real wife.

- I need him to love you,
James.

I need him to see that youngish
go-getter that I've described.

- Okay!

I might have to bring
my daughter.

- God, no.
Kids are career killers.

I want him to think that your
only focus is this company.

So, no kids and wear
something not so...

(Phone buzzes)

- Okay. Yeah, no, no, I got it.

So uh... (Clears throat)

♪♪

(Items clatter)

Dawn: Astrid?

(Footsteps approach)

Does this shirt look backwards?

- Maybe. Where's the tag?
- There isn't one.

- That's stupid. Why'd you buy
such a stupid shirt?

- Bo made it for me.
- (Laughs)

And that's how it's supposed
to look?

- Hang on.
(Shirt ruffles)

- Yeah, that still
looks backwards.

- I can't go in like this.

Do you have just a plain
silk blouse I could borrow?

- Ha, ha!

Um, I have a hooded fleece
you can borrow.

- Well, I'm not gonna choose
a worse problem.

- Ah. Ugh.
- Why are you moving like that?

- I hurt my neck
because I'm out of shape.

I didn't realize I was supposed
to consult a physician

before turning my head.

- You should book a session
with Pascale.

He's the fitness trainer
I offer

in all my severance packages.
- Oh right,

just because you're letting
them go

doesn't mean they need
to let themselves go.

- Better they work their
frustrations out in a gym

than turn a gun on me
or my family.

Hey, Vivian.
- Hi.

- Cute bra.
- You know what?

I don't need a trainer. Ha.
I'm naturally athletic.

I was captain
of the field hockey team.

- Because you were a bully.
You were all bullies.

- No, I wasn't! I was a beast
who could chase people down

and hurt them in ways that
seemed like an accident,

within the rules.

- I'm complicit.
I cheered at every game.

- Cheered? You screamed
like a witch on fire.

- I hate losing.

I'm sending you Pascale's
number, just in case.

You know what? Screw it.
I'll just own it.

I'll make a joke like,
"Hey guys,

didn't you get the memo? It's
bizarre shirt day. (Laughs)"

- Hilarious. And then you
just fire everybody?

- HR doesn't just fire people.
I also resolve conflicts,

enact programs to support
and further develop talent.

- Yeah, I do the same thing
here,

but also laundry
and story time.

- You are amazing. Look at me.
Still cheering for you.

But I should go.
Today, I am firing someone.

Toodles!

♪♪

(Ball clunking on paddle)

Ennis: Whoa, where's the duffle
bag full of bootleg DVDs

that goes with that outfit?

- Why is everyone so offended
by my hoodie?

(Ball clunks)
- Well, this is supposed to be

a professional environment.
- Really?

(Paddle clunks on desk)

- So, what did Marla want?

To show you pictures
of her scorpion?

- No, I'm supposed to meet
Mr. Gero.

She wants me to stop dressing
like a "dad".

- Oh geez! Put the knife down,
Marla!

- I am a dad.

- Yeah, but to say that
you dress like one,

that is... yeesh.

- There are billions of dads.
We don't all dress the same.

- But there's billions
of fathers.

You are a dad.
With a dad haircut,

and a dad outfit,
with dad pockets.

How much stuff have you got
in your pockets right now?

- It's regular, it's pockets!
I don't know, keys, wallet.

Regular pocket stuff.
- Mm-hmm?

- This, look lip balm.
Phone. Doll's head.

Pockets are for carrying.
What's the problem?

- There's no problem.
Dads dress like you.

Cool people dress like me.
And Jeff Goldblum.

- When I meet Mr. Gero
I will be dressed nice

and have empty pockets. Okay?

I can put together
a few nice pieces.

- Pieces? Like what,
a cummerbund and a Tilley hat?

- Oh yeah? Well, where do you
go to buy clothes

that's so great?

And can you take me there and
help me choose them, please?

(Hands tapping on drum)

- Okay, you can watch two
episodes of "Scoot McDooby,"

but that's it, okay?
Mommy's gonna work out!

- I'm covered in snakes!
- Fun. But I need those.

- No!
- Viv,

those are my resistance bands.
You can use them after me.

- You can use them after me.
(Bands snap)

- Fine.

(Mat ruffles)

- Oh, my God! A dead mouse!
- Oh, my God! Snakes!

(Kids scream in distance,
footsteps approach)

Do I look like a dad to you?

- No, you look like a husband
to me

because I don't have those
issues.

- Oh, I love how well-adjusted
you are. Hello.

- Hi. Um, Felix starts baseball
this weekend

and we still haven't paid.
- Hmm.

It's also a three mortgage
payment month.

- Yeah, and I also wanna hire
Dawn's trainer

so I can get strong enough
to caber toss Viv

into the neighbour's yard.
- Oh, my God,

I also need work clothes.

Let me consult the budget.

Astrid: Money, we used to spend
it all on ourselves. So nice.

But kids are crazy expensive.

James: We try to follow a
budget, but our selfish kids

want to eat, and take lessons,
and have clothes.

Astrid: Then there are
surprises

like a raccoon family
moves into your roof,

or your car needs
a new everything,

so you have to make sacrifices.
Be creative and frugal.

Or another great option,
go into debt.

- Okay, I think I got it.

We're gonna have to cut cable.
- I cut cable months ago.

- Woof, did not notice that,
so good call.

How much does it cost
to get swole?

- Only a couple sessions,
so $150 tops.

- Okay, does Viv need to eat
lunch every day?

- Yes. She also asked
for a horse.

- For lunch?
- To ride!

- Hmm, well I'm a hard no
on that.

- Yeah, okay, why don't we put
um, your clothes

and the trainer on the credit
card and then worry about that

next month.
- You know you are a genius.

Thank you credit card!
- Right.

Kids, food's ready! Let's eat!

♪♪

(Cash register dings)

Pascale: And four
And three. Two more!

- Woo!
- And rest.

- Oh, my God!
- That's good.

- That's hard!
That's hard. I feel it.

I can feel my muscles
waking up.

- Yes, because you are
a powerful goddess.

- Oh.
- The storm is over.

Blue skies are ahead.
- That's a bit much, but yeah.

- That was great!
I mean, you lost your job

but not your motivation.

- No, no, no, I didn't lose
my job, I'm Dawn's sister.

- Oh, that's interesting.

- I have to say, I'm a little
self-conscious doing this

in front of all these people.
It's like we're busking.

- Don't worry.
Everyone's looking at me.

But you are killing it.

Can't believe you've had
two kids.

- Oh. Well, I actually feel
like I've never loved my body

more than when I was pregnant.

- Oh, well pregnant bodies
make me low-key sick,

but you're doin' good!
- Okay.

- Let's do squats.
- Okay.

- You ready?
- Yep.

(Exhaling)
- Ooh!

- Yeah, ooh, feel it?
- Woo! Oh, no yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I used to play
a lot of field hockey.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- Well then, let's see
how far you can push it!

- Okay.
- Now gimme some sumo squats.

Spread 'em wide, Mama.
Let's go! Let's go!

- Let's go!
- You are a powerful goddess.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh. Dig deep. Ooh yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Come on!

- Oh, oh no. No, no.
Oh, I just peed.

- Then you dug
a little too deep.

- Oh, God! Oh.

♪♪

(Computer keys clack)

(Woman moans)

- What? No.
- Astrid?

- Yes, come in!
(Door shuts)

- I have a plant
for you to have.

- No. That's gonna die and
then just be a bowl of dirt

that makes me feel guilty.
- I'll just leave it here.

Ugh!

So? How are you?

- Good. Yeah, good. Good.

- Pascale told me
you peed your pants.

- Could you kindly tell Pascale
to shut the hell up?

That was so humiliating for me.
- Hey, it's me.

I love you no matter where
you pee - pants, toilet,

the parking lot
at Canada's Wonderland

when we missed the fireworks.
- Oh, my God, yes,

I held my pee
for the entire day.

The rollercoaster,
the drop tower.

Now I'd probably leak going
through the turnstile.

- It's natural.
You had two kids.

- The last one left
the barn door open

and warped the frame.

- So, do you think this
is gonna happen again?

- I dunno.
- Oh, my God!

- You could try those
cute period underwear.

Like adult pull-ups.
- Wow, okay. Thanks, Dawn.

I need you to be supportive
right now

and you're telling me
to wear a diaper

and refer to my junk as a barn?
- I'm sorry. You know what?

Go get checked out. I have this
great OB-GYN on Ossington.

She is a pelvic floor
specialist.

I'll text you her number.
- No!

I don't wanna tell anyone
else about this.

I'd like to keep my dignity and
just let this quietly haunt me

for the rest of my life.

- She is very good,
and if nothing else,

maybe she can put your mind
at ease. Hmm?

- Nice purse.
Bo's been busy.

- Oh, his Etsy shop
is starting to blow up.

Call her.
(Footsteps recede)

Love you!
(Door creaks open, shuts)

♪♪

Ennis: Als, we can share them,
but I want my whole cookie.

- Okay.
- Ah.

- Daddy, where are we?
- Wha...?

- This is Phase, Felix,
it's an upscale men's store.

Normally, someone like you
wouldn't be allowed in here

but then again,
neither would your father.

- Okay, all these clothes
are straight out of the dryer.

Viv: Uncle Ennis, watch.

- Is that good? James,
could she not do that before?

- I thought it was great,
Wonder Girl!

- Is this good, Uncle Ennis?
- Oh, a jump! Nice.

Watch me take this step.

Hey, did you ask them
to call me Uncle Ennis

because I do not like it.
- What's the matter?

It's adorable!
- No, it isn't.

I am not related to any kids
and I like that about me.

Saleswoman: Can I help you
find something?

James: Yes. No. I don't know.

- Uh, my friend James here

just got out of prison
and he is raring to go

and ready to reacclimate
into society.

- No, no, I'm not. I'm from
society, I was never in jail.

Although, we don't judge the
incarcerated. System's broken.

- Can I help you find anything
in particular?

- I'm just (clears throat),
I'm looking for a nice shirt.

- A little horse.
- I'm thirsty.

- Okay.

- Where're you goin'?
Okay, let's just put that.

- Hey, do they have
to be in here?

- Yes, they have to be.
Come on, I need your help.

- I don't have a time machine
and a vasectomy gun

so there's only so much
I can do

but I can help you
with the clothes.

We're looking for something
that says professional

but fashion forward.

Something that says I have in
no way given up on life.

- Perfect. Let me find
you a few items.

- Okay, thank you.

Ooh, what do we think
about her, Felix?

- She seems like
a nice teenager.

- Solid reprimand.

Oof, that is you are now
my favorite, officially.

- Yes.
- Viv,

step up your game a little bit.
What are you doin' back there?

- Nothing.

♪♪

Doctor: So, you are having
pee problems.

Astrid: Yeah, I guess I've had
the occasional dribble

if I sneeze hard
or I rewatch "Baby Mama".

You know that movie,
"Baby Mama"?

- Of course, I know that movie.

- But you know, my youngest
is four so I just figured

that all my, all my stuff had
snapped back. (Chuckles)

- No.
- Okay.

- Alley... oop!
- Cold.

- And just relax for me.
- Okay.

- I'd like you to try
a Kegel for me.

- Okay, sure.

- Go ahead.
- I'm doing it.

Am I not doing it?
- Let's try this.

When I hold up one finger,

I want you to squeeze
your vagina.

When I hold up two fingers,
tighten your anus

but not your bum.

Three fingers,
contract your urethra. Okay?

- Sure, should I also
wiggle my liver and uh,

move my spleen up and down?
(Chuckles)

- No.
- Okay.

- Nope. Again.

Nope.
- Ah...

- Good!
- Okay.

- No. Okay.
- Oh. Okay.

- Squeeze.
- I am!
- No.

This feedback is devastating.

- Your pelvic floor continued
to atrophy

since your last child.

I'll give you some exercises
to do every day, and in time,

you'll regain muscle tone.

- Okay, 'cause well...

'cause we were thinking about
maybe having another baby.

- Oh, then it would take
a lot of work

to get back to where
you are now.

- Right.
- Sluggish clenching.

Feeble sphincters.

You need to train every day
like an athlete.

- Well, actually,
I am an athlete.

Yeah, big field hockey
star in high school, so.

(Chuckles)

Do you mind if I just stay here
for a few minutes?

It's nice to lie down.
- Sure.

(Door clicks open, shuts)

- (Sighs)

♪♪

- What are you...?
- I'm doing a Kegel workout.

- Right now?
- Yeah, I'm almost done.

I'm supposed to imagine
I'm picking up pearls

with my urethra.

- You'd make a heck
of a jewel thief.

- Don't make me laugh.
What did you do?

- I made a terrible decision
and bought work clothes.

- Oh, nice. How much?

- Mm-hmm.
(Paper crinkles)

- (Winces)

- Was that a "We're screwed"
wince or a really big pearl?

- One just flowed
into the other.

- Yeah, I'm gonna return
it if that's--

- No, it's fine, we'll just
carry a bit more debt.

I'm gonna start work in
the fall. We'll buy a yacht.

It'll be great.
- Yeah.

(Footsteps thud)
But...

how long will you be
at work though if...

you know, a baby happens?

- Depends how fast it happens.
We could start now.

- Hmm. So you're still
in Baby Town.

- I am. Where are you at?
- I mean, how can we afford it?

- Well, Pascale said
I didn't have to pay him

because he made me piss
my pants.

- Okay, that's not the most
reliable discount.

- I could make it work.

- It's not just the money,
though.

It's just we're finally
getting time back for us.

For you to work out,
for me to shop better.

- Did you not find something
nice for that amount of money?

- I panicked.
- What did you get?

- Red pants.

- What? Red?!

- Ennis said they popped.
I don't-I don't know what

I'm supposed to like anymore.
- Not things that pop.

- I'm just, this is my problem
with having another kid.

I love our kids, I just feel
like I'm losing myself.

- Um, honestly, well...
- Mm-hmm?

- um, you've,
you've never been cool.

And I just find it
irresistibly adorable.

- You're doing your exercises
right now, aren't you?

- You can feel that?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Well, hello there.
- Hi, Uncle Ennis.

- I'm not responding to that.

Who is this handsome gentleman?
- It's Daddy!

- Uh-huh. Astrid,
what do you think?

- Yeah, yeah, I like it.
You like look uh,

king of the flight attendants.

- Flight attendants get a lot
of ass, so that's good.

- Hey, uh, James,
why is your kid here?

- Uh, hi Marla, I have two
kids. This one refused to stay

for the sitter but also refused
to get dressed.

- Okay, hi, Astrid.
- Marla.

- Okay, this is a huge
disaster.

Can we just pretend that
she is with Ennis?

- Oh, I don't think
that's gonna work

Because I don't wanna do that.
- This is a mess. Just go home.

Mr. Gero's gonna hate you.
Oh, ha ha, speak of the devil.

- Marla, can we start?

My shins are killing me.

- James, meet the man
who signs your checks.

- Oh, well the checks are...

we uh... thank you and...

- Just stop.
- Hello.

- Yeah.
- I've read emails about you.

- James is our top dog.

This is his wife, Astrid.

She used to work for the city.
Her birthday's in March.

- Hi. When is your birthday?
(Chuckles)

- Sadly, it's today.

- Oh.
All: Happy birthday.

- Wow. Just to circle back
real quick, um,

I love the job... first,

then the checks,

so, hope that checks out.

- Why are you doing this?
- I don't know.

- Is anybody gonna
introduce me or... no?

- Nannyma got me new pajamas.

- Who is this?

- Ah, oh, this is our daughter,
Vivian.

- Hmm.

Wish I wore my pajamas today.

- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.

You know, I wish I had
a little girl.

You see, I have a son, Julian.

He's picking his acne.
- Oh.

- Leave it alone, boy.

He's no fun.
- Too bad!

- Oh, too bad.
You're fun.

- He has a kid. I thought you
said that Gero thought

kids were career killers?
- No, that's just my opinion.

Seems like your kid is in.
Let's exploit this.

- (Shrieks)
- Oh, ow, ow, ow, Viv.

- No, no Sweetie, Sweetie,
it's okay. That's just Baggie.

He's a mascot, he's fun.
He carries your food.

- Inside of his body,

which is actually kind of weird
if you think about it.

Hi, Mr. Gero, I'm Ennis,
by the way.

- It's all right, Sweetheart,
don't worry about it.

You don't like Baggie?
Neither do I. Go on!

Get outta here, Baggie!
Nobody wants you here!

You scared my friend!

Marla: Oh, looks like
the photographer's ready.

- Okay. It's showtime.

Let's get Vivian and
her parents in the shot.

- Oh.
- Come on, Vivian.

- Oh no, she actually
doesn't go with strangers.

- Here we go.
- Oh, unless I'm right behind.

- Oh, James, you're in the pic.

You've breached the castle
walls. Thumbs up.

Ennis, Baggie is cancelled.
Go deal with him, okay? Thanks.

- Oh, is that what I'm here
for, to deal with Baggie?

♪♪

Photographer: All right,
everyone, are we ready?

It looks like rain, okay?

Mr. Gero: James.
- Hmm?

- Your pants. They're red.
- Yeah.

- Why?

- Oh, there she is. Hi, Vivian.
- Hi!

(Bubbling, silly sounds)

- Meh, stand up straight,
Nosferatu.

- All right, everyone,
are we ready?

Man: Yep.

(Thunder cracks)

- Oh!
- I'll get her.

- No. I will.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh no. Oh, God. Oh.

Okay.

(Footsteps thud)

- That was incredible.
You were a beast.

- I peed myself
when I picked her up again.

- All right,
on the count of three,

everybody say "Gero's!"

A one, a two, and three!
(Vivian shrieks)

All: Gero's!
(Camera shutter snaps)

James: So happy they gave me
a framed photo of this.

- Yeah, the red pants really
draw the eye.

- Ugh, I hate it.
That's all I can see.

I'm never wearing them again.
- No, you have to.

You paid too much for them.

They can be your Christmas pants

and your Valentine's pants
and your spaghetti pants.

- I like those pants, Dad.
They look like blood,

like your leg's cut...
all cut up and bloody.

- Hmm.
- Okay, yeah.

That's pretty cool, Buddy.

- I love your old pants.
- Ah, yeah, me too, Sweetie.

- Gonna put this in a drawer.

- Hey, hey, give that back!
Viv, give that back!

- She went that way.
She went that way.

(Vivian shrieks)
- (Laughs) Oh yes, I got it!

I am the mommy
and you are nothing!

- I'm nothing.
- Hey!

Astrid: The body is a miracle.

You can handle so much pain.
James: Speak for yourself.

Astrid: And even as you begin
that phase of your life

where hangovers last for days.

James: And you can pull
a muscle in your back

just by stretching.

Astrid: You can feel so much
joy and pleasure.

♪♪

So, while it's easy to judge
yourself

for not being as strong
as you were.

James: Or for looking like
a dad,

or my case, a DILF.

Astrid: Oh, you're a total
DILF.

James: Thank you.

Astrid: You gotta follow
your kids' examples

'cause they don't care
what they look like.

James: And they think
they're invincible.

Astrid: More importantly,
they think we're cool,

strong, and beautiful.

James: Until they're like 11.
So, enjoy it.

Okay, maybe we should take
a little, a little rest.

- I wanna crush you some more!
- No, no,

I think we're done crushing
Daddy.

- Crush me! Crush me!
- No, no, no, you know what?

You can crush your sister,
okay? Gently.

- Upstairs.
- Yeah.

- Okay.

- (Laughs)

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

- Ow.
- Oh.

- Ow.
- Ugh, my neck!

- (Relaxed exhale)
- My neck.

- You know I mean,
you're gonna get critics.

There's gonna be people who
don't like what you're doing.

I was a DJ. You think,

you think everybody liked
every song I played?

You know what, can I,
can I make a suggestion?

Unsolicited advice.
What about like, a face?

You know what I mean,
a couple eyes.

Even just a mouth would be,

really lighten you up
for people, you know.

Make you a bit more accessible.

I don't know, Julian,
what do you think? Yeah?

Face would be nice, right?
You get it.

♪ I love my kids
But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything
Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids
But kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything
Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I've got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh-- ♪