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1
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:39,803
Yes, the billo miracle saw has
the power to cut down this tree,
2
00:00:39,871 --> 00:00:41,021
and yet it's precise enough
3
00:00:41,056 --> 00:00:43,641
to make your own homemade
Jigsaw puzzles.
4
00:00:45,293 --> 00:00:47,612
And if you call
within the next 10 minutes,
5
00:00:47,679 --> 00:00:51,298
we'll send you this pair
of miracle safety goggles free.
6
00:00:57,806 --> 00:00:58,772
What are you doing?
7
00:00:58,840 --> 00:00:59,974
Quiet.
8
00:01:00,041 --> 00:01:02,710
The miracle safety goggle
clock is tickin'.
9
00:01:02,777 --> 00:01:05,613
Doug, what are you
gonna do with a chain saw?
10
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,366
What am I not gonna do?
11
00:01:08,433 --> 00:01:10,434
OK, you know what?
If you buy this chain saw,
12
00:01:10,501 --> 00:01:13,637
I know for a fact I will be
bringing your thumb to the hospital
13
00:01:13,705 --> 00:01:16,073
in a ziploc bag.
14
00:01:16,141 --> 00:01:18,108
I'm on hold. Crap.
15
00:01:18,176 --> 00:01:20,110
I just saw an ad
for a miracle chain saw.
16
00:01:20,178 --> 00:01:22,012
I need to borrow some plastic.
17
00:01:22,747 --> 00:01:24,131
Already ordering one.
18
00:01:24,198 --> 00:01:25,132
Make it 2.
19
00:01:25,199 --> 00:01:26,266
I think one's enough.
20
00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:27,635
Sure, until we both need
21
00:01:27,702 --> 00:01:29,262
to chain saw something
at the same time.
22
00:01:29,287 --> 00:01:31,138
Use your head.
23
00:01:31,205 --> 00:01:32,885
All right. How about this
for a compromise?
24
00:01:32,910 --> 00:01:34,475
Nobody gets a chain saw, ever.
25
00:01:34,543 --> 00:01:36,063
But I'm tired of
throwing my money away
26
00:01:36,077 --> 00:01:37,578
on store-bought
Jigsaw puzzles.
27
00:01:37,646 --> 00:01:40,515
Yeah, and by the way,
you can't just tell me no.
28
00:01:40,582 --> 00:01:41,849
Uh, yes, I can.
29
00:01:41,916 --> 00:01:43,984
Uh, no, you can't.
30
00:01:44,052 --> 00:01:47,421
Uh, yeah, I can.
We made that deal, remember?
31
00:01:47,489 --> 00:01:48,889
What, that you can
just say no and--
32
00:01:48,914 --> 00:01:50,374
and have control
over my entire life
33
00:01:50,442 --> 00:01:52,242
and I got no say whatsoever?
34
00:01:52,310 --> 00:01:53,410
Yeah.
35
00:01:53,478 --> 00:01:54,745
When did I agree to that?
36
00:01:54,812 --> 00:01:58,315
10 years ago
when we bought this house.
37
00:02:00,401 --> 00:02:02,203
Oh, right.
38
00:02:04,206 --> 00:02:06,773
And this is
the master bedroom.
39
00:02:06,842 --> 00:02:08,209
His and her closets
40
00:02:08,276 --> 00:02:11,178
so you don't have to deal
with his mess.
41
00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:18,018
Oh.
Mmm.
42
00:02:18,086 --> 00:02:21,288
I, uh, take it
you two are newlyweds?
43
00:02:21,356 --> 00:02:22,323
Yeah, 2 months.
44
00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:23,924
And we're still
into each other.
45
00:02:25,393 --> 00:02:28,462
Anyway, um...
46
00:02:28,529 --> 00:02:29,930
Plenty of outlets, um,
47
00:02:29,998 --> 00:02:31,832
and cable hookup's
right there.
48
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:32,833
Oh, no, no, no, no.
49
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:34,634
I don't believe
in TV in the bedroom.
50
00:02:37,339 --> 00:02:38,806
Really, honey?
51
00:02:38,874 --> 00:02:40,774
No. From the moment
we walk in that door,
52
00:02:40,843 --> 00:02:44,545
it's about you,
me, and sharing.
53
00:02:44,612 --> 00:02:47,315
Mmm.
Mmm.
54
00:02:47,382 --> 00:02:48,682
Oh!
What's the matter?
55
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:49,750
Your mustache.
It tickles.
56
00:02:49,818 --> 00:02:50,751
Oh, does it?
Yeah.
57
00:02:50,819 --> 00:02:51,899
Well, here comes some more!
58
00:02:51,924 --> 00:02:55,126
Stop!
59
00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,810
Ah. You're next, Nancy.
60
00:03:01,629 --> 00:03:04,314
So what do you think, sweetie?
61
00:03:04,382 --> 00:03:07,417
Oh. I love
the finished basement.
62
00:03:07,485 --> 00:03:08,986
Oh, crap, honey.
63
00:03:09,054 --> 00:03:10,855
They're really
into this house.
64
00:03:10,922 --> 00:03:12,589
Come on.
65
00:03:12,658 --> 00:03:14,792
Dine-in kitchen.
Nice.
66
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:16,493
And we could put stools
at the counter
67
00:03:16,561 --> 00:03:17,494
and eat our--
68
00:03:17,562 --> 00:03:18,663
our, um--
69
00:03:23,368 --> 00:03:24,301
how you doin'?
70
00:03:24,369 --> 00:03:25,736
Hello.
71
00:03:25,804 --> 00:03:27,738
Can I help you?
72
00:03:27,806 --> 00:03:29,891
Oh. No.
73
00:03:29,958 --> 00:03:30,892
Nice place.
74
00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:31,959
Yeah.
75
00:03:32,027 --> 00:03:34,428
Just the smell of
the upstairs bedroom...
76
00:03:37,099 --> 00:03:39,166
And the neighbors,
right? Ooh!
77
00:03:39,234 --> 00:03:41,034
What's wrong
with the neighbors?
78
00:03:41,102 --> 00:03:42,503
They're skinheads.
79
00:03:44,589 --> 00:03:45,822
Really?
80
00:03:45,890 --> 00:03:48,626
Yeah, the whole family.
Even the grandmother.
81
00:03:48,694 --> 00:03:51,112
I - I just saw her
outside watering plants.
82
00:03:51,179 --> 00:03:52,930
She seemed very sweet.
83
00:03:52,998 --> 00:03:55,082
She tried to sell me crack.
That's all I'm sayin'.
84
00:04:04,643 --> 00:04:06,083
Hey, great. Well,
what's the address?
85
00:04:06,108 --> 00:04:09,647
Uh-huh. All right.
Well, we'll meet there.
86
00:04:09,714 --> 00:04:11,348
OK, thanks. Bye.
87
00:04:11,416 --> 00:04:12,983
Hey, baby.
Who was that?
88
00:04:13,051 --> 00:04:14,251
Oh, it's
our real estate agent.
89
00:04:14,318 --> 00:04:15,958
There's another house
she wants us to see.
90
00:04:15,983 --> 00:04:16,820
Oh, OK. Well,
91
00:04:16,888 --> 00:04:19,008
I don't think we're gonna
top the one we already saw--
92
00:04:19,033 --> 00:04:20,424
great price,
great neighborhood.
93
00:04:20,491 --> 00:04:21,531
I know,
and that basement--
94
00:04:21,556 --> 00:04:22,993
it's perfect for my home gym.
95
00:04:23,061 --> 00:04:25,195
I got my free weights on one side,
96
00:04:25,263 --> 00:04:27,865
all my cardio on the other.
97
00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:29,133
Well, don't
get too ripped, OK?
98
00:04:29,158 --> 00:04:31,769
I like a little somethin'
I can grab onto.
99
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,671
I can't make that promise.
100
00:04:33,738 --> 00:04:34,705
Mm-hmm.
101
00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:42,245
That is the table I eat on.
102
00:04:43,481 --> 00:04:45,449
Hi, dad.
Hey, Arthur.
103
00:04:45,516 --> 00:04:46,917
Look, when I told you kids
you could stay with me
104
00:04:46,985 --> 00:04:48,285
after you gave up
the apartment,
105
00:04:48,352 --> 00:04:49,286
I was glad to help out.
106
00:04:49,353 --> 00:04:53,290
But for God's sake,
it's been 10 days.
107
00:04:53,358 --> 00:04:56,027
Yes, we know, and we
may have found a place.
108
00:04:56,094 --> 00:04:58,296
Good. Now hit me
with a Martini.
109
00:04:58,363 --> 00:04:59,297
You got it.
110
00:04:59,364 --> 00:05:00,932
How was your day?
111
00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:03,767
Let's just say being a
decorative ribbon salesman
112
00:05:03,835 --> 00:05:06,703
isn't as glamorous
as it used to be.
113
00:05:06,771 --> 00:05:08,889
Why? You didn't get
the winemaker's account?
114
00:05:08,956 --> 00:05:10,540
Nope. They decided
to go high-tech
115
00:05:10,608 --> 00:05:13,610
with elastic box bands.
116
00:05:13,678 --> 00:05:14,979
Oh. Here you go.
117
00:05:15,046 --> 00:05:18,015
Thanks.
118
00:05:18,083 --> 00:05:19,449
If I could close
one big account,
119
00:05:19,517 --> 00:05:21,118
I'd be on easy street.
120
00:05:21,185 --> 00:05:23,954
No more trips
to hick towns upstate.
121
00:05:24,022 --> 00:05:27,825
No more evenings locked in the
fleshy arms of some spinster
122
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:32,295
just so she'll buy 2 spools
for her card shop.
123
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,834
Ahh.
124
00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:40,304
And once again, I'm alive.
125
00:05:42,307 --> 00:05:44,875
How you doin'? We're
here to see the house.
126
00:05:44,942 --> 00:05:46,477
Are you the Heffernans?
127
00:05:46,544 --> 00:05:48,912
Yes. I mean, uh...
128
00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:52,116
I am, he's-he's not.
129
00:05:52,183 --> 00:05:55,185
I'm the Heffernan. My wife-my
wife's meetin' us here.
130
00:05:55,253 --> 00:05:58,321
Great. They're actually
selling the place furnished.
131
00:05:58,389 --> 00:06:01,358
Take a look around.
I'll be right in.
132
00:06:05,330 --> 00:06:09,066
Sweet mama, I'm home.
133
00:06:09,134 --> 00:06:10,835
Pretty cool, man.
Hey, look at this.
134
00:06:10,902 --> 00:06:12,236
Sunken living room.
135
00:06:12,304 --> 00:06:17,308
Or you bring in a hose.
Boom! Indoor pool!
136
00:06:17,375 --> 00:06:18,775
How great are these stairs?!
137
00:06:18,844 --> 00:06:20,364
Hey, check it out.
There's an intercom.
138
00:06:20,389 --> 00:06:20,945
Oh, really?
139
00:06:21,012 --> 00:06:22,579
Yeah.
Oh.
140
00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:25,615
Uh, breaker, breaker, Carrie,
141
00:06:25,683 --> 00:06:28,418
big daddy's home. Why
don't you go get yourself...
142
00:06:28,486 --> 00:06:31,288
Naked?
143
00:06:31,356 --> 00:06:33,858
I'll have better stuff.
I love this place!
144
00:06:33,925 --> 00:06:36,327
Shh, shh, shh. Hey, you
don't want him to know
145
00:06:36,394 --> 00:06:37,361
how much you love the place.
146
00:06:37,428 --> 00:06:38,508
He might Jack the price up.
147
00:06:38,533 --> 00:06:39,696
Right. I gotcha.
OK, good.
148
00:06:39,764 --> 00:06:41,531
So what do you think?
149
00:06:41,599 --> 00:06:42,766
It's got great flow, huh?
150
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:44,368
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
You know what?
151
00:06:44,435 --> 00:06:47,854
So does a tea bag, though,
and I don't wanna live in one.
152
00:06:47,922 --> 00:06:51,525
And I gotta tell ya, I'm not
really lovin' the neighborhood.
153
00:06:51,593 --> 00:06:54,178
Actually, this is
a very desirable area.
154
00:06:54,246 --> 00:06:57,181
Right across the street, there's
an excellent elementary school.
155
00:06:57,249 --> 00:06:58,769
Gee, I'm not sure
what you're implying,
156
00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,462
but I already been
to elementary school.
157
00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:05,405
What's this right here?
158
00:07:05,474 --> 00:07:06,740
Oh, that's the dumbwaiter.
159
00:07:06,808 --> 00:07:09,593
You can send food
right up to the bedroom.
160
00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:19,953
I desperately want this house.
161
00:07:20,021 --> 00:07:20,971
Well, great.
162
00:07:21,038 --> 00:07:23,038
Is there any way we can
close the deal by Saturday?
163
00:07:23,105 --> 00:07:24,605
'Cause I'd really
love to barbecue.
164
00:07:24,673 --> 00:07:26,343
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, honey, hi.
165
00:07:26,411 --> 00:07:28,879
What, are you buyin' a house?
166
00:07:28,947 --> 00:07:30,831
Not a house, the house!
167
00:07:30,899 --> 00:07:33,133
Can't you just see us
growin' old here, huh?
168
00:07:34,669 --> 00:07:37,304
Um, can I talk to you
for a second over here?
169
00:07:37,372 --> 00:07:41,107
Sure you don't wanna
join me in the love glove?
170
00:07:41,175 --> 00:07:44,277
No. No,
I don't think I do.
171
00:07:44,346 --> 00:07:46,313
You know what? I-I think
I'm gonna roll.
172
00:07:46,381 --> 00:07:47,648
I'll see you later, brainiac.
173
00:07:53,554 --> 00:07:55,705
Um...
174
00:07:55,773 --> 00:07:57,991
Do you mind? Could we
have a minute, please?
175
00:07:58,059 --> 00:07:59,576
Sure. Take
all the time you need.
176
00:07:59,644 --> 00:08:00,577
Thank you.
177
00:08:02,547 --> 00:08:04,267
What's the matter,
you don't like the place?
178
00:08:04,292 --> 00:08:09,253
Um, well, it is groovy.
I will give you that.
179
00:08:09,321 --> 00:08:12,022
But, uh, I thought we both
loved the other house.
180
00:08:12,090 --> 00:08:14,791
The place was OK. But this
place has got much better flow.
181
00:08:14,859 --> 00:08:15,979
Not to mention the intercom,
182
00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:17,878
the spiral staircase,
the dumbwaiter,
183
00:08:17,946 --> 00:08:20,981
and she comes furnished!
184
00:08:21,049 --> 00:08:23,367
Um, honey, I love you,
185
00:08:23,434 --> 00:08:25,435
and I love when you
get excited about things
186
00:08:25,503 --> 00:08:27,153
like a house or a new cereal,
187
00:08:27,222 --> 00:08:30,023
but, um...
188
00:08:30,091 --> 00:08:33,059
This is a really important
decision we're making here.
189
00:08:33,127 --> 00:08:34,561
I know it is.
190
00:08:34,629 --> 00:08:36,363
The other house
was so perfect for us.
191
00:08:36,431 --> 00:08:37,864
I mean, it had
the room we needed.
192
00:08:37,932 --> 00:08:39,700
It was in
a quiet neighborhood.
193
00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:40,807
It was close to your work.
194
00:08:40,832 --> 00:08:41,835
I mean, this house is--
195
00:08:41,903 --> 00:08:44,587
it's fun, but
it's just not practical.
196
00:08:44,655 --> 00:08:46,206
Oh, really?
Yeah.
197
00:08:46,357 --> 00:08:48,258
OK, let me paint
a picture for ya.
198
00:08:48,326 --> 00:08:50,527
We're in that other house.
You're in bed.
199
00:08:50,594 --> 00:08:52,095
You're in the mood
for pork chops.
200
00:08:52,163 --> 00:08:54,665
Both your legs are broken.
201
00:08:57,768 --> 00:08:59,203
OK.
202
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:03,606
Now coincidentally, I'm down in
the kitchen frying pork chops.
203
00:09:03,674 --> 00:09:07,744
The smell wafts up to you,
and you shout down to me.
204
00:09:07,812 --> 00:09:11,448
But I can't hear you 'cause
we don't have an intercom.
205
00:09:12,883 --> 00:09:14,618
Now it turns out
I'm a nice guy,
206
00:09:14,686 --> 00:09:16,453
and I wanna get you
those pork chops.
207
00:09:16,521 --> 00:09:18,605
So I go to send 'em up
in the dumbwaiter.
208
00:09:18,673 --> 00:09:21,408
But we don't have one.
209
00:09:21,476 --> 00:09:23,977
So I walk the pork chops to
ya, but the house has no flow,
210
00:09:24,045 --> 00:09:25,246
and I wind up in the basement
211
00:09:25,313 --> 00:09:26,947
and you starve to death.
212
00:09:27,014 --> 00:09:31,268
OK, here's the thing - I mean, we
could talk about this all night,
213
00:09:31,336 --> 00:09:33,704
but the other couple is gonna
make an offer on that house,
214
00:09:33,771 --> 00:09:36,240
and I don't wanna lose it
because of a dumbwaiter.
215
00:09:36,308 --> 00:09:38,309
OK, maybe you don't
understand what we have here.
216
00:09:38,376 --> 00:09:41,996
This is a private elevator
for pork.
217
00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:46,783
Yes, and I appreciate that.
But come on, honey.
218
00:09:46,851 --> 00:09:49,053
This house is across
the street from a school.
219
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,620
Do you know how noisy
that's gonna be?
220
00:09:50,688 --> 00:09:54,674
Carrie, listen to me. Meat
goin' up, bones comin' down.
221
00:09:54,742 --> 00:09:56,543
And then what about
when we have a baby?
222
00:09:56,610 --> 00:09:59,612
You wanna carry a baby up
and down the spiral staircase?
223
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,315
Again, dumbwaiter!
224
00:10:01,382 --> 00:10:03,616
Baby goes up, baby come down.
225
00:10:03,684 --> 00:10:05,903
All right.
Would you stop?
226
00:10:05,970 --> 00:10:08,104
Now look, we are gonna
buy that other house,
227
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,039
and we're gonna be very happy,
228
00:10:10,107 --> 00:10:11,641
and if you can't survive
229
00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:14,878
without pork chops being
hoisted up to the bedroom,
230
00:10:14,945 --> 00:10:18,615
then we'll string a bucket
outside the window for you, OK?
231
00:10:18,683 --> 00:10:20,701
Good.
I'm glad that's settled.
232
00:10:20,768 --> 00:10:22,101
And shave that mustache off
233
00:10:22,169 --> 00:10:23,937
'cause you look
like a motorcycle cop.
234
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,488
Hey, homeslice.
235
00:10:41,555 --> 00:10:44,024
What are you doin'?
236
00:10:44,092 --> 00:10:45,025
Aw, nothin'.
Just, uh...
237
00:10:45,093 --> 00:10:47,027
Shavin' the 'stache.
238
00:10:47,095 --> 00:10:49,463
Losin'
the 'stache. Wow.
239
00:10:49,530 --> 00:10:51,831
Yeah, I was thinkin'
it's a little too, uh...
240
00:10:51,899 --> 00:10:53,683
Motorcycle cop.
241
00:10:53,751 --> 00:10:55,685
Really? 'Cause to me,
it was more
242
00:10:55,753 --> 00:10:58,187
out-of-shape porn star.
You know.
243
00:10:58,255 --> 00:11:00,135
So what's up with the house
with the dumbwaiter?
244
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,059
Oh, we're, uh, actually making
an offer on another house.
245
00:11:03,127 --> 00:11:04,961
Heh heh heh.
She beat you down, huh?
246
00:11:05,029 --> 00:11:06,596
No. We had a discussion,
247
00:11:06,664 --> 00:11:08,598
and she made a lot
of very good points.
248
00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:10,634
This house is better.
You know, it's roomy.
249
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:13,437
It's close to here. On a nice
day, I can actually walk to work.
250
00:11:13,504 --> 00:11:16,506
Heh, walk to work. You don't
even like to walk at work.
251
00:11:16,574 --> 00:11:17,854
Admit it, man.
She beat you down.
252
00:11:17,879 --> 00:11:19,793
Ain't no shame here, baby.
253
00:11:19,861 --> 00:11:21,828
She didn't beat me down, OK?
254
00:11:21,896 --> 00:11:23,997
I want that house, and I
wanna shave my mustache,
255
00:11:24,064 --> 00:11:25,464
and we're not
getting a dog anymore.
256
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,934
We're gettin' a kitten
'cause I think cats are fun.
257
00:11:30,838 --> 00:11:32,539
Oh, my God.
What am I saying?
258
00:11:32,607 --> 00:11:34,508
Cats are brutal!
259
00:11:34,575 --> 00:11:36,042
And I want my mustache back.
260
00:11:36,110 --> 00:11:38,678
Oh, my God.
Here's a little.
261
00:11:38,746 --> 00:11:41,114
Doug,
it's-it's gone.
262
00:11:41,182 --> 00:11:43,984
Oh, my-what am I doin'?
What's goin' on here?
263
00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:46,011
I mean, everything was
goin' so great with Carrie.
264
00:11:46,036 --> 00:11:47,721
She's always been
so sweet and fun,
265
00:11:47,789 --> 00:11:53,093
and now all of a sudden,
she's, like rrrarrgh!
266
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:54,360
Oh, yeah, yeah, I got that one
267
00:11:54,385 --> 00:11:55,896
on my honeymoon.
Heh heh!
268
00:11:55,963 --> 00:11:57,197
Man, if Carrie's
like this now,
269
00:11:57,265 --> 00:11:58,965
what's she gonna be
like 10 years from now?
270
00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:00,334
Something to think about.
271
00:12:00,401 --> 00:12:01,901
10 years from now.
272
00:12:01,969 --> 00:12:04,771
That's, like, 2004.
273
00:12:07,174 --> 00:12:08,675
Don't be late tonight, OK?
274
00:12:08,743 --> 00:12:10,910
Remember, we have to go to the ballet.
275
00:12:10,978 --> 00:12:13,813
Actually, tonight I was think
about watching the Knick game.
276
00:12:13,881 --> 00:12:15,849
Rrrarrgh!
277
00:12:15,916 --> 00:12:17,267
Good point.
278
00:12:17,334 --> 00:12:19,202
All right. I gotta
get going to work.
279
00:12:19,270 --> 00:12:21,471
All right. And pick up your blue suit
280
00:12:21,539 --> 00:12:23,206
from the dry cleaners, OK?
281
00:12:23,274 --> 00:12:25,508
I gotta wear a suit?
282
00:12:25,576 --> 00:12:28,578
Yes, a suit, and your
uncomfortable shoes.
283
00:12:28,646 --> 00:12:30,480
All right, fine.
I'll see you later.
284
00:12:30,548 --> 00:12:31,848
OK.
285
00:12:34,686 --> 00:12:36,169
And pick me up
a loaf of bread!
286
00:12:42,643 --> 00:12:43,876
You know what?
287
00:12:43,944 --> 00:12:45,645
This mustache is staying.
288
00:12:45,713 --> 00:12:48,081
Actually,
it's half a mustache.
289
00:12:50,718 --> 00:12:53,086
Still staying.
290
00:12:53,154 --> 00:12:55,839
Darling, the tide has
turned for Arthur Spooner
291
00:12:55,907 --> 00:12:58,491
in the ribbon game.
With any luck,
292
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:00,227
this will be my best year
293
00:13:00,295 --> 00:13:02,495
since the hostage crisis.
294
00:13:02,563 --> 00:13:05,782
Great, dad.
Well, what happened?
295
00:13:05,850 --> 00:13:09,386
I realized, "why do I
need big department stores
296
00:13:09,453 --> 00:13:11,521
when I can go
directly to the people?"
297
00:13:11,589 --> 00:13:14,040
Think about it. Who wears
ribbons in their hair?
298
00:13:14,108 --> 00:13:15,475
Little girls.
299
00:13:15,543 --> 00:13:18,311
And where do you find
little girls?
300
00:13:18,379 --> 00:13:20,680
In the schoolyard.
301
00:13:27,921 --> 00:13:29,072
Oh, boy.
302
00:13:29,140 --> 00:13:30,107
It worked like a charm.
303
00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:32,242
I'd beckon a little girl
off the swings
304
00:13:32,309 --> 00:13:34,377
with the promise
of a candy treat,
305
00:13:34,445 --> 00:13:35,812
and then I present her
306
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,815
with a beautiful
faux velvet ribbon.
307
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:42,052
They ran off
screaming, "mommy!"
308
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,554
They couldn't wait
to tell their mother
309
00:13:44,622 --> 00:13:47,157
about their encounter
with the ribbon man.
310
00:13:49,093 --> 00:13:51,177
Dad, you can't do that.
311
00:13:51,245 --> 00:13:52,212
Sure, I can.
312
00:13:52,279 --> 00:13:54,547
And after a nice snack,
313
00:13:54,615 --> 00:13:57,383
I'm gonna hit the
parochial schools.
314
00:13:57,451 --> 00:14:00,003
No, you won't!
315
00:14:00,071 --> 00:14:01,404
You can't tell me what to do.
316
00:14:01,472 --> 00:14:03,757
I am doing it, OK?
317
00:14:03,825 --> 00:14:05,505
Now look, I gotta go
meet Doug at the house
318
00:14:05,530 --> 00:14:07,594
to sign some papers.
You stay right there
319
00:14:07,661 --> 00:14:10,263
until I get back. Oh, and
come here. You have something
320
00:14:10,331 --> 00:14:11,431
on your thing.
OK, good.
321
00:14:11,498 --> 00:14:12,866
Hey, hey!
These are mine now!
322
00:14:12,934 --> 00:14:14,701
You can't take my
candy treats! I did it!
323
00:14:14,769 --> 00:14:15,769
I'll get more!
324
00:14:15,837 --> 00:14:17,570
And I took your car keys, too!
325
00:14:17,638 --> 00:14:20,323
Damn.
Needless to say,
326
00:14:20,391 --> 00:14:22,259
you're dead to me!
327
00:14:28,382 --> 00:14:30,566
OK. This just confirms
328
00:14:30,634 --> 00:14:33,837
that you're asking for
an 8-day inspection period
329
00:14:33,905 --> 00:14:36,757
and 14 days
to secure your loan.
330
00:14:36,824 --> 00:14:38,558
Why don't you look that over?
331
00:14:38,626 --> 00:14:39,866
I'll go grab
the termite report.
332
00:14:39,927 --> 00:14:42,863
OK, thanks.
333
00:14:42,930 --> 00:14:44,530
Wassup?
334
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:49,836
Hey, babe. We got a
million papers to sign here.
335
00:14:49,904 --> 00:14:52,538
I want you to start
working on these.
336
00:14:52,606 --> 00:14:55,842
All righty. Hmm.
337
00:14:58,713 --> 00:15:01,531
Uh, babe? I think
you missed a spot.
338
00:15:01,599 --> 00:15:05,502
No, don't think I did.
I'm starting a new trend.
339
00:15:05,569 --> 00:15:06,969
I'm either gonna
call it half-stache
340
00:15:06,994 --> 00:15:09,055
or upper lip surprise.
341
00:15:09,123 --> 00:15:10,857
Doug, what's going on?
342
00:15:10,925 --> 00:15:12,893
What's going on?
I'll tell you what.
343
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:16,095
I was standing there shaving my
mustache like you ordered me to,
344
00:15:16,163 --> 00:15:18,732
when halfway through the
job Doug Heffernan showed up
345
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,683
and said, "what are
you doing, ass?!"
346
00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:25,088
OK. You want to
keep the mustache?
347
00:15:25,155 --> 00:15:26,857
Keep the mustache.
It looks great.
348
00:15:26,924 --> 00:15:28,844
No, it's not just stopping
with the mustache, OK?
349
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:30,059
I want that other house.
350
00:15:30,127 --> 00:15:33,930
Wha-Doug, come on! We've
already discussed this.
351
00:15:33,998 --> 00:15:36,132
Now we're here to sign papers
352
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,067
and make an offer
on this house.
353
00:15:38,135 --> 00:15:39,895
No, we didn't discuss it.
You steamrolled me,
354
00:15:39,937 --> 00:15:41,237
and I'm not signing anything
355
00:15:41,305 --> 00:15:43,039
until we talk
about it for real.
356
00:15:43,107 --> 00:15:44,207
All right, fine. You
want to talk about it?
357
00:15:44,275 --> 00:15:45,515
Let's talk about it.
Tell me why
358
00:15:45,583 --> 00:15:46,783
we should buy that other house
359
00:15:46,808 --> 00:15:48,445
without using
the words pork chops
360
00:15:48,513 --> 00:15:49,513
or dumbwaiter.
361
00:15:51,899 --> 00:15:53,316
You know that's impossible!
362
00:15:54,552 --> 00:15:56,185
Then this discussion is over.
363
00:15:56,254 --> 00:15:57,420
OK, fine! You know what?
364
00:15:57,488 --> 00:15:58,688
Let's just go with the
house you want, all right?
365
00:15:58,756 --> 00:16:00,476
Hey, and you know what?
Here's a great idea.
366
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,143
You told me once
you liked the name Mike.
367
00:16:02,168 --> 00:16:03,893
So from now on,
my name's Mike.
368
00:16:03,961 --> 00:16:05,027
All right?
Oh, yeah, right.
369
00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:06,735
You know what? I
should shave my mustache.
370
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:07,964
All right, here we go.
371
00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:09,151
What the heck?
You know what?
372
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,967
Why stop at the face, huh?
373
00:16:11,034 --> 00:16:12,034
How about in here? Yeah!
374
00:16:12,102 --> 00:16:14,253
Am I hairless enough for you?
375
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:17,991
Smooth Mike! That's
what they're gonna call me!
376
00:16:18,059 --> 00:16:19,993
Nipple!
377
00:16:22,697 --> 00:16:24,397
Doug, come on.
378
00:16:24,464 --> 00:16:26,099
You just have to trust me.
379
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:29,102
I just know that I'm
right about this house.
380
00:16:33,941 --> 00:16:36,009
All right, fine.
381
00:16:36,077 --> 00:16:38,611
You know, I don't even
know what to say anymore.
382
00:16:38,679 --> 00:16:42,481
I just thought
when we got married,
383
00:16:42,549 --> 00:16:44,517
you know, we were
like partners.
384
00:16:44,585 --> 00:16:47,053
And you would
respect my opinion
385
00:16:47,121 --> 00:16:50,340
or at least pretend to.
386
00:16:50,408 --> 00:16:53,209
I don't want to fight.
All right? I love you.
387
00:16:53,277 --> 00:16:56,229
OK? I don't care
where we live
388
00:16:56,296 --> 00:16:58,982
as long as we're together.
389
00:16:59,049 --> 00:17:02,218
Let's just do this.
390
00:17:02,286 --> 00:17:04,020
No, stop, stop.
391
00:17:04,088 --> 00:17:05,238
What?
392
00:17:05,305 --> 00:17:07,340
Look...
393
00:17:07,407 --> 00:17:09,776
Doug, I'm just
I'm so used to being bossy,
394
00:17:09,844 --> 00:17:11,978
you know, with my dad, and...
395
00:17:12,046 --> 00:17:14,513
I don't want to be
like that with you.
396
00:17:15,666 --> 00:17:19,368
You're a smart guy,
and I love you.
397
00:17:19,436 --> 00:17:20,916
You know what? I want you to pick out
398
00:17:20,922 --> 00:17:22,488
the house that we buy.
399
00:17:23,958 --> 00:17:25,175
Really?
400
00:17:25,242 --> 00:17:26,809
Yeah.
401
00:17:28,662 --> 00:17:29,929
Ohh.
402
00:17:34,318 --> 00:17:37,637
Carrie, we're gonna
have a great life.
403
00:18:04,665 --> 00:18:06,532
Doug, food's here!
404
00:18:12,423 --> 00:18:14,140
Sorry it took so long.
405
00:18:14,208 --> 00:18:16,843
There's like 50 school
buses down there.
406
00:18:16,911 --> 00:18:18,277
God, that would make me nuts.
407
00:18:18,345 --> 00:18:19,679
Would it?
408
00:18:22,049 --> 00:18:25,201
Dad! Get away
from those little girls!
409
00:18:26,570 --> 00:18:27,570
Oh, God.
410
00:18:28,739 --> 00:18:31,107
Ohh! It's OK.
Just a rug burn.
411
00:18:31,175 --> 00:18:34,844
Unh! We gotta remember
to cone this area off.
412
00:18:36,213 --> 00:18:38,348
All right. Can we just eat
up in the bedroom, please?
413
00:18:38,415 --> 00:18:40,350
It's much quieter up there.
414
00:18:40,417 --> 00:18:43,186
Yeah, no problem. Hey, we'll
just use the dumbwaiter.
415
00:18:43,254 --> 00:18:45,955
All right. Here we go.
416
00:18:46,023 --> 00:18:47,757
It's perfect.
A couple of iced teas
417
00:18:47,824 --> 00:18:50,026
for my new bride.
All right!
418
00:18:50,094 --> 00:18:51,861
Here we are.
419
00:18:51,929 --> 00:18:53,813
Oh, yeah!
420
00:18:58,886 --> 00:19:02,755
She's moving!
She's moving!
421
00:19:02,823 --> 00:19:05,091
Oh, we are eating in no time!
422
00:19:05,158 --> 00:19:07,494
Eating in no time!
423
00:19:11,365 --> 00:19:13,733
Oh, yeah.
424
00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:15,735
Oh, this is great.
425
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:34,921
We're gonna need
a tiny cleaning lady.
426
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,526
Oh, no, no, no!
Don't cry!
427
00:19:39,593 --> 00:19:43,129
I promise. Every big decision
from now on you'll make.
428
00:19:43,197 --> 00:19:45,014
You think?
429
00:19:49,670 --> 00:19:51,504
That's how I learned that little girls
430
00:19:51,572 --> 00:19:54,524
are made of sugar and spice...
431
00:19:54,591 --> 00:19:56,492
And lies!
432
00:19:58,863 --> 00:20:02,032
It worked out fine. I
mean, we got our house.
433
00:20:02,099 --> 00:20:06,802
Yeah. After 6 months
and an extra $19,000.
434
00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:08,905
Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
435
00:20:08,973 --> 00:20:10,473
Oh! Finally.
436
00:20:10,541 --> 00:20:11,941
Uh, yeah. I'd like
to place an order
437
00:20:11,966 --> 00:20:13,209
for the miracle chain saw.
438
00:20:13,277 --> 00:20:14,593
Doug!
What?
439
00:20:14,661 --> 00:20:16,341
We said you'd make all
the major decisions.
440
00:20:16,366 --> 00:20:17,733
This is just a chain saw.
441
00:20:19,366 --> 00:20:20,867
Ugh! Fine.
442
00:20:20,934 --> 00:20:22,902
Uh, you can forget
about the saw,
443
00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:24,721
but I'd like to order 2 pairs
444
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:27,706
of the miracle
safety goggles. Yeah!
445
00:20:44,308 --> 00:20:46,576
Hey. Did you
bring my bread?
446
00:20:46,643 --> 00:20:47,710
Here you go.
447
00:20:47,778 --> 00:20:49,996
Oh.
448
00:20:50,063 --> 00:20:52,898
This is rye.
I asked for whole wheat.
31797
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