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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,935 --> 00:00:05,324 # Once in every lifetime 2 00:00:05,495 --> 00:00:08,055 # Comes a love like this 3 00:00:08,215 --> 00:00:10,570 # Oh, I need you, you need me 4 00:00:10,735 --> 00:00:13,010 # Oh, my darling, can't you see? 5 00:00:13,175 --> 00:00:15,166 # Young ones 6 00:00:15,335 --> 00:00:18,213 # Darling, we're the young ones 7 00:00:18,375 --> 00:00:20,525 # The young ones 8 00:00:20,695 --> 00:00:23,607 (RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid 9 00:00:23,775 --> 00:00:26,926 # To live, love 10 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,972 # There's a song to be sung 11 00:00:29,135 --> 00:00:33,014 # 'Cause we may not be the young ones very long # 12 00:00:36,175 --> 00:00:37,972 (WIND HOWLS) 13 00:00:38,135 --> 00:00:40,285 (ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC) 14 00:00:42,975 --> 00:00:45,694 # The rhythm that gets into your heart and soul 15 00:00:48,735 --> 00:00:52,614 # Let me tell you, baby, it's called rock 'n' roll... 16 00:01:00,015 --> 00:01:03,894 # Well, we just don't know what's going to replace it 17 00:01:05,935 --> 00:01:08,244 (MUSIC STOPS) 18 00:01:09,255 --> 00:01:11,928 Vyvyan! You bastard! 19 00:01:13,575 --> 00:01:16,169 Vyvyan! You've got no respect for property! 20 00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:29,050 All right, what's the stair carpet doing on the fire? 21 00:01:29,975 --> 00:01:31,806 Burning, what's it look like? 22 00:01:31,975 --> 00:01:37,493 Oh, you're burning the stair carpet? Well, call me old fashioned... 23 00:01:37,655 --> 00:01:39,486 Rick, where'd you find all that firewood? 24 00:01:40,255 --> 00:01:43,884 Ah. Uh... Between my legs. 25 00:01:44,935 --> 00:01:46,926 - Wish I'd thought of that. - I wish you'd done it! 26 00:01:47,095 --> 00:01:51,008 - I might want children one day. - What a revolting thought! 27 00:01:51,175 --> 00:01:54,406 Vyv, throw another record player on the fire. 28 00:01:54,575 --> 00:01:57,931 - Certainly, Michael. - Bastards! That's my record player! 29 00:01:58,095 --> 00:01:59,767 You said it was yours. 30 00:01:59,935 --> 00:02:04,167 No, I said, ''Let's throw Rick's record player on the fire. 31 00:02:04,335 --> 00:02:08,010 - ''That'll be good for a laugh.'' - Oh, yeah. 32 00:02:08,175 --> 00:02:11,292 - It is yours, Rick. - Yes! Now give it back! 33 00:02:14,615 --> 00:02:16,924 Oh, God... 34 00:02:19,375 --> 00:02:22,208 My parents gave me that after my O-Levels! 35 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:25,765 And it looks like you failed them all. 36 00:02:25,935 --> 00:02:29,814 That's not true! I got a B for French... 37 00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:31,647 - Look, Rick. Rick. - I... 38 00:02:31,815 --> 00:02:35,205 We're all completely broke, so we've got to make sacrifices. 39 00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:39,891 I myself have generously donated my used tissue collection. 40 00:02:40,055 --> 00:02:42,615 And Vyvyan has burned everything Neil owns. 41 00:02:42,775 --> 00:02:47,565 Never mind that. I'm more interested in this O-Level business! I got... 42 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,453 Ow! 43 00:02:49,615 --> 00:02:52,413 Sounds like supper's ready. 44 00:02:54,455 --> 00:03:00,132 Neil, we're not having broken crockery again? That's my recipe! 45 00:03:00,295 --> 00:03:03,765 I can't nail the plates to the table without breaking them. 46 00:03:03,935 --> 00:03:07,769 Neil, Neil, Neil. Nails aren't in the recipe. 47 00:03:07,935 --> 00:03:12,725 I'm not cooking. I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table. 48 00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:20,290 Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? 49 00:03:21,295 --> 00:03:23,525 What happens when we want to play Monopoly? 50 00:03:23,695 --> 00:03:30,043 ''Go directly to plate?'' ''Do not pass plate - nailed down by a hippie?'' 51 00:03:30,215 --> 00:03:32,888 No, guys, you don't understand. 52 00:03:33,055 --> 00:03:38,732 I've got something well scary to lay on you, OK? So, like, sit down. 53 00:03:38,895 --> 00:03:41,932 What do you mean? There's only one chair. 54 00:03:42,095 --> 00:03:45,451 Do we all put our bottoms on that and catch diseases? 55 00:03:45,615 --> 00:03:48,925 - It's not important. - I think it is, actually! 56 00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:52,371 I happen to be rather attached to my bottom. 57 00:03:52,535 --> 00:03:56,767 - I've got seats in my car. - All right, we'll use them. 58 00:03:56,935 --> 00:04:01,486 No, they're attached. You sit in them while you're driving. 59 00:04:01,655 --> 00:04:04,328 I could drive the whole car in! 60 00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:07,168 No, no. Better idea, we'll go out there. 61 00:04:07,335 --> 00:04:09,166 Ah-ha! 62 00:04:09,335 --> 00:04:14,045 No, wait. Guys. Guys. What about my scary story? 63 00:04:14,215 --> 00:04:18,367 That's a point. We won't be able to hear Neil from out there. 64 00:04:19,375 --> 00:04:23,891 - You'll have to make a tape. - No. My cassette's bust. 65 00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:28,765 - (RICK) Well, come out with us. - No, there's only two seats. 66 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:33,611 - I could go in the boot. - No. If you touch my car, 67 00:04:33,775 --> 00:04:37,051 - I'll kill you. Remember? - Oh, yeah. 68 00:04:37,215 --> 00:04:38,728 - Neil. - Yeah? 69 00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:41,534 (WHISPERS) Squat down. 70 00:04:41,695 --> 00:04:43,526 Oh, yeah. Great idea, Mike. 71 00:04:43,695 --> 00:04:47,404 Hey, guys, look, I've got something well scary to lay on you, OK, 72 00:04:47,575 --> 00:04:50,612 so, like, squat down. 73 00:04:50,775 --> 00:04:52,572 - Brilliant! - Yeah. Squatting! 74 00:04:52,735 --> 00:04:54,646 Right on. Youth control. No rent! 75 00:04:54,815 --> 00:04:59,525 - Now listen... - Neil, has this table shrunk? 76 00:04:59,695 --> 00:05:02,926 That's what I've been trying to tell you, right? 77 00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:05,689 Strange things are happening in this house. 78 00:05:05,855 --> 00:05:08,130 Furniture keeps disappearing. 79 00:05:08,295 --> 00:05:12,254 Plates keep, like, moving about the place. 80 00:05:12,415 --> 00:05:15,088 The table is shrinking. 81 00:05:15,255 --> 00:05:20,887 And last night, I found my guitar...on the fire. 82 00:05:22,735 --> 00:05:24,726 - Do you know what this means? - Yes... 83 00:05:24,895 --> 00:05:28,205 No, no... Yeah! 84 00:05:28,375 --> 00:05:30,525 It means we've got a poltergoost! 85 00:05:30,695 --> 00:05:32,287 (THUNDER) 86 00:05:32,455 --> 00:05:34,969 Don't be stupid. There's no such thing! 87 00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:38,445 Don't be such a spazmo, Neil! 88 00:05:38,615 --> 00:05:41,083 There's no ghosts, there's no God, 89 00:05:41,255 --> 00:05:44,930 there's a rational explanation for any phenomena you might encounter. 90 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:48,326 Yeah? How do you explain the table shrinking, then? 91 00:05:48,495 --> 00:05:53,250 - Ah. Uh... - Well, I did that, actually. 92 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,646 Like this. 93 00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:10,933 See? 94 00:06:12,535 --> 00:06:15,845 God! Mike's floating! How's that done, then? 95 00:06:16,015 --> 00:06:19,371 Yeah, you see? I was right! It's the poltergoost! 96 00:06:19,535 --> 00:06:22,766 - It's making him float! - Aaah! Get a priest! 97 00:06:22,935 --> 00:06:25,051 Get a vicar! I believe in God! 98 00:06:26,455 --> 00:06:28,605 Never mind priests. Call an ambulance. 99 00:06:28,775 --> 00:06:32,245 - Why? - I've nailed my legs to the table. 100 00:06:35,415 --> 00:06:37,770 (THUNDER AND COUGHING) 101 00:06:37,935 --> 00:06:39,607 - Sore throat? - Yeah. 102 00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:41,891 'Ere, hold it. Prithee. 103 00:06:42,055 --> 00:06:45,843 Art thou saying that Bacon wrote all of Shakespeare's plays? 104 00:06:46,015 --> 00:06:48,483 - Yeah. - Which bit of bacon? 105 00:06:48,655 --> 00:06:51,328 - His hand. - Bacon hasn't got hands. 106 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:55,852 Look, they found a manuscript in a packet of bacon. 107 00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,414 Codpiece face! 108 00:06:57,575 --> 00:06:59,611 - What did you say? - Codpiece face. 109 00:06:59,775 --> 00:07:02,164 - What did you say? -Codpiece face. 110 00:07:02,335 --> 00:07:06,010 - What did you say? - I said codpiece face. 111 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:08,291 - What did you say? - I said codpiece face. 112 00:07:08,455 --> 00:07:10,127 - What did you say? - I said... 113 00:07:10,295 --> 00:07:12,763 - Don't be evasive! - Oh, sod it! 114 00:07:13,895 --> 00:07:16,363 Oi! Hey! 115 00:07:17,975 --> 00:07:19,488 Let's go kick his teeth in. 116 00:07:19,655 --> 00:07:22,886 Kick him. Ah! My foot! 117 00:07:25,135 --> 00:07:26,727 (FARTS) 118 00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,051 With Christmas only four months away, 119 00:07:33,215 --> 00:07:37,447 imagine that this desktop is a crowded shopping street 120 00:07:37,615 --> 00:07:39,606 on a busy Saturday morning. 121 00:07:39,775 --> 00:07:45,054 Say, for instance, that this huge meringue filled with whipped cream 122 00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:48,332 is a young mother loaded with her groceries. 123 00:07:48,495 --> 00:07:54,934 And perhaps this enormous, soggy, overripe tomato is a little girl, 124 00:07:55,095 --> 00:07:59,646 who doesn't realize what a dangerous place her exciting new world is. 125 00:07:59,815 --> 00:08:03,524 And let's assume that this clingfilm parcel 126 00:08:03,695 --> 00:08:07,973 of mashed banana and jam is a deaf senior citizen 127 00:08:09,175 --> 00:08:12,565 who's in a wheelchair and is blind. 128 00:08:12,735 --> 00:08:19,846 And this cricket bat with a breeze block nailed to it is your car. 129 00:08:20,015 --> 00:08:24,327 Now, what happens if your car mounts the pavement? 130 00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,643 Think once. Think twice. 131 00:08:29,815 --> 00:08:32,568 Think don't drive your car on the pavement. 132 00:08:32,735 --> 00:08:35,454 (HEADS SHOUT) Over here! Oi! Over here! 133 00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:38,175 - Over here! - Over here! 134 00:08:39,295 --> 00:08:43,208 No, no. That's a goldfish bowl. Put it down. 135 00:08:43,895 --> 00:08:48,525 No, that's a grapefruit! Pick me up before this woman farts again! 136 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,014 (FARTS) 137 00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:55,968 (GROANS) 138 00:09:00,735 --> 00:09:03,454 Hello. I am your neighbour. 139 00:09:03,615 --> 00:09:07,005 I know. You've been around here six times today already. 140 00:09:07,175 --> 00:09:08,927 (LAUGHS POLITELY) 141 00:09:09,935 --> 00:09:12,927 Yeah. Nice day. 142 00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:15,563 No, it's not. It's snowing. 143 00:09:15,735 --> 00:09:17,134 (LAUGHS) 144 00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:22,415 Well, if you like snow and being really cold, it's a nice day. 145 00:09:22,575 --> 00:09:27,285 Well, I don't, and you're letting cold air in. What do you want? 146 00:09:27,455 --> 00:09:34,088 Um... Could I borrow... a cup of sugar...please? 147 00:09:34,255 --> 00:09:36,769 Another one? How many's that you've had? 148 00:09:36,935 --> 00:09:40,530 - It'll rot your teeth. - Yeah, I was worried, 149 00:09:40,695 --> 00:09:44,608 so I had mine kicked out. These are Neil's. 150 00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:49,532 Could I have my cups back sometime? 151 00:09:49,695 --> 00:09:53,483 Uh... Yeah, yeah. 152 00:09:53,655 --> 00:09:55,213 There you are. 153 00:09:57,535 --> 00:09:59,173 You're not very comfortable, Rick. 154 00:09:59,335 --> 00:10:04,932 No, I'm bloody not! Why can't you use Vyvyan as a chair? He burnt them. 155 00:10:05,095 --> 00:10:08,292 Because I've been out gathering winter fuel. 156 00:10:08,455 --> 00:10:11,094 - Look, another one. - Nice one, Vyv. 157 00:10:14,175 --> 00:10:16,166 Guys, guys, guys. 158 00:10:16,335 --> 00:10:19,884 Guys, I think I've solved our money problem. 159 00:10:20,055 --> 00:10:22,330 I'm writing to my bank manager. 160 00:10:22,495 --> 00:10:24,292 See what you think, OK? 161 00:10:24,455 --> 00:10:26,650 ''Dear bank manager...'' 162 00:10:28,175 --> 00:10:30,814 - Yeah? - Well, that's it. 163 00:10:31,895 --> 00:10:35,934 - I'm quite pleased with it so far. - It's a strong opening. 164 00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:41,089 I don't like the ''dear''. Sounds like, ''Please go to bed with me?'' 165 00:10:41,255 --> 00:10:43,689 Well spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead? 166 00:10:43,855 --> 00:10:46,847 What about ''darling''? 167 00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:49,926 ''Darling bank manager...'' 168 00:10:50,095 --> 00:10:55,010 No, no, no, no! Not ''bank manager''. It's far too crawly bum-lick. 169 00:10:55,175 --> 00:10:57,564 Tell it like it is, put ''fascist bully boy''! 170 00:10:59,055 --> 00:11:03,731 - ''Darling fascist bully boy...'' - So, what do you want to say? 171 00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:09,447 I want to extend my overdraft, but there must be a better way to say it. 172 00:11:09,615 --> 00:11:12,732 Well, what about, ''Give me some more money''? 173 00:11:12,895 --> 00:11:17,093 - ''You bastard.'' - Isn't that a bit strong? 174 00:11:17,255 --> 00:11:20,452 - People like that respect strength. - You're right. 175 00:11:20,615 --> 00:11:25,814 ''Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard...'' 176 00:11:25,975 --> 00:11:30,014 - Uh... ''Love, Neil.'' - Not ''Love, Neil''! 177 00:11:30,175 --> 00:11:34,373 That's like, ''Come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine.'' 178 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:39,010 Yeah, you're right. Uh...what about ''Yours sincerely''? 179 00:11:39,175 --> 00:11:44,010 Oh, come off it! If you're going to be that sycophantic, go there now 180 00:11:44,175 --> 00:11:48,532 and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers? 181 00:11:48,695 --> 00:11:53,007 Oh, I know, I know. Why not put ''boomshanka''? 182 00:11:53,175 --> 00:11:56,212 That's hard to tell. What does it mean? 183 00:11:56,375 --> 00:11:59,685 ''May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman.'' 184 00:12:00,775 --> 00:12:05,007 Ah-ha! And what makes you think your bank manager's a man? 185 00:12:05,895 --> 00:12:07,214 His beard. 186 00:12:08,935 --> 00:12:12,211 He'll never understand ''boomshanka''. Write it all out. 187 00:12:12,375 --> 00:12:15,606 Right. Here we go. ''Darling fascist bully boy, 188 00:12:15,775 --> 00:12:17,891 ''give me some more money, you bastard. 189 00:12:18,055 --> 00:12:22,810 ''May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman. 190 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,294 ''Neil.'' 191 00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:28,526 If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. 192 00:12:28,695 --> 00:12:33,564 The trouble is we're running low on fuel. Vyv, chuck it on the fire. 193 00:12:36,375 --> 00:12:39,731 - Where's my supper, Neil? - Coming. 194 00:12:39,895 --> 00:12:42,887 Yeah, I could eat my own earwax. 195 00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:46,286 And we know how horrid that tastes. Right, kids? 196 00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:51,209 Mike, Mike, did we burn the sofa? 197 00:12:51,375 --> 00:12:54,173 - Yeah, afraid so, Vyv. - I thought we did. 198 00:12:58,535 --> 00:13:00,605 Right, Neil. We're ready! 199 00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:05,927 Right. Here it is. Now, eat it up quickly, OK? 200 00:13:06,615 --> 00:13:10,449 - What's this? - Uh... It's risotto, Mike. 201 00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:13,607 It's snow, isn't it, Neil? 202 00:13:13,775 --> 00:13:16,653 No, it's probably just gone cold, Vyv. 203 00:13:16,815 --> 00:13:18,692 Neil, it is snow! 204 00:13:18,855 --> 00:13:22,894 - It's risotto, Vyv! - I know snow when I see it! 205 00:13:23,055 --> 00:13:25,649 It's all I've had to eat for three days. 206 00:13:26,535 --> 00:13:32,644 - Well, it's very nourishing, Vyvyan. - Snow! I hate the sight of it! 207 00:13:32,815 --> 00:13:37,969 - Don't you want yours, then? - Ah! I didn't say that, Mike. 208 00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:43,171 Oh, God, this is disgusting! 209 00:13:43,335 --> 00:13:46,088 Don't blame me. I didn't cook it. 210 00:13:46,255 --> 00:13:50,043 - Can't we get decent food? - We've got no bread. 211 00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:52,683 Well, why don't we get some bread? 212 00:13:52,855 --> 00:13:56,165 Because, Vyvyan, we haven't got any bread! 213 00:13:56,335 --> 00:14:00,248 OK, OK. This has gone far enough. House meeting. 214 00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:02,724 House meeting! House meeting! 215 00:14:02,895 --> 00:14:06,774 - Vyv, wake up Rick. - Rick, wake up! 216 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,490 (DANCE MUSIC) 217 00:14:11,855 --> 00:14:14,767 (1ST GHOST) Oi, wilt thou just list, please? 218 00:14:14,935 --> 00:14:19,008 Thank you. This is my body. That one there is yours. 219 00:14:19,175 --> 00:14:22,451 (2ND GHOST) Just because this one's got a nicer bottom. 220 00:14:22,615 --> 00:14:26,972 - That bum's got no rhythm! - I don't believe this! Look... 221 00:14:28,055 --> 00:14:29,727 Down a bit. That's it. 222 00:14:29,895 --> 00:14:34,685 You're exploiting the fact that we've been beheaded to grab a nicer bot! 223 00:14:34,855 --> 00:14:38,291 - For sooth's sake! - We'll split the bottom. 224 00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:40,889 - Down the middle? - Don't get aggressive! 225 00:14:41,055 --> 00:14:47,733 - I am not getting aggressive! - You are, Rick. I can sense it. 226 00:14:48,615 --> 00:14:53,564 I am not! Why does it have to be me who gets a job? 227 00:14:53,735 --> 00:14:57,648 Well, it can't be me. I lead an alternative lifestyle. 228 00:14:57,815 --> 00:15:00,807 Ha! You're about as alternative as Channel 4! 229 00:15:03,655 --> 00:15:06,488 All right, let's look in the paper. 230 00:15:07,575 --> 00:15:09,008 Vyvyan. 231 00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:12,847 I'm sorry about that bang. I just fired a gun. 232 00:15:13,015 --> 00:15:17,531 Here we are. Situations vacant, pages seven to thirteen. 233 00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:25,883 - There isn't much choice. - Wait. What's this? 234 00:15:26,815 --> 00:15:32,970 - ''Join the professionals.'' - ''You can have a gun.'' 235 00:15:33,135 --> 00:15:38,687 Ah, well... Now... Yes, well... That's me out, you see. 236 00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:41,050 Uh... Perforated eardrum. 237 00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:42,967 Really? Yeah, me too. 238 00:15:43,135 --> 00:15:45,774 - Uh... Pardon? - Flat feet. 239 00:15:45,935 --> 00:15:48,165 Well, that just leaves Neil, then. 240 00:15:48,335 --> 00:15:52,931 What? No way! Why can't it be Vyvyan for a change? 241 00:15:54,135 --> 00:15:59,812 Uh... Well, Neil, since you come to mention it... 242 00:15:59,975 --> 00:16:05,129 Um...there is something I've been meaning to tell all of you 243 00:16:05,295 --> 00:16:07,650 for some time... Um... 244 00:16:07,815 --> 00:16:10,773 I went to see the doctor today... 245 00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:16,970 and, well...I think I'm pregnant. 246 00:16:18,935 --> 00:16:22,723 - What? - I'm going to have a baby! 247 00:16:23,535 --> 00:16:26,129 - That's impossible! - That's what she said! 248 00:16:26,295 --> 00:16:28,934 You just can't trust women, can you? 249 00:16:29,095 --> 00:16:34,727 - But... But... How did it happen? - Come on, Rick. How old are you? 250 00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:38,565 Well, that's rather a personal question! 251 00:16:39,695 --> 00:16:42,573 Didn't your mother explain about the birds and the bees? 252 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,886 Mine did, but I didn't believe her. 253 00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:49,570 Well, what if the bird got stung halfway through? 254 00:16:50,495 --> 00:16:54,647 Well, there's a big size difference. Ostriches are really big, right... 255 00:16:54,815 --> 00:16:58,854 Ah! Ah! Oh, no! The contractions are starting! 256 00:16:59,015 --> 00:17:01,688 - Oh, no! - I'm having a baby! 257 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:06,451 Quick! Quick! Mike, get some boiling towels. 258 00:17:06,615 --> 00:17:08,924 Rick, clean water. 259 00:17:09,935 --> 00:17:14,167 Vyvyan, sit down. Take the weight off your feet. 260 00:17:14,335 --> 00:17:18,408 - There aren't any chairs! - All the towels have been burnt! 261 00:17:18,575 --> 00:17:22,329 Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan quickly! 262 00:17:22,495 --> 00:17:26,932 We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! 263 00:17:27,095 --> 00:17:31,088 Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! 264 00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:33,723 I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher! 265 00:17:34,735 --> 00:17:39,411 - Get some money very quickly. - There's only one thing for it. 266 00:17:39,575 --> 00:17:42,135 - Neil. - You're right. 267 00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,332 I've got to join the army before Vyvyan has a baby. 268 00:17:46,735 --> 00:17:49,727 (CACKLES INSANELY) 269 00:17:51,415 --> 00:17:55,124 I've just been round my neighbour's house to borrow a drill, 270 00:17:55,295 --> 00:17:57,331 but he wasn't in. 271 00:17:59,415 --> 00:18:02,327 So, I broke in and ate his fish tank, 272 00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:04,770 and I wasn't even hungry. 273 00:18:06,855 --> 00:18:10,165 You won't catch me with me trousers! 274 00:18:12,015 --> 00:18:13,494 (WAILING) 275 00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:20,451 - What time is it? - That's the 100th time you've asked. 276 00:18:20,615 --> 00:18:22,606 Yes, and you don't tell me! 277 00:18:22,775 --> 00:18:25,733 - Get a watch! - I've got a watch! 278 00:18:25,895 --> 00:18:29,251 I'm just not very good at telling the time yet. 279 00:18:30,655 --> 00:18:33,374 - The small hand's on the four... - (WAILING) 280 00:18:35,695 --> 00:18:39,404 - How's it going? - I hate it! I hate it! 281 00:18:39,575 --> 00:18:42,612 Of course you do. It's not finished yet. 282 00:18:42,775 --> 00:18:45,733 It's finished as far as I'm concerned. 283 00:18:47,415 --> 00:18:52,648 - At least I'm half fashionable. - What? You're 150% fashion! 284 00:18:52,815 --> 00:18:55,887 The army can't say no to this suit. 285 00:18:56,975 --> 00:19:02,095 - Thanks for letting me hire it. - It's somewhat on the snug side. 286 00:19:02,255 --> 00:19:05,247 Come on. The recruiting office closes in one hour! 287 00:19:05,415 --> 00:19:09,294 - Come on! - Don't tell them you're a pacifist! 288 00:19:19,335 --> 00:19:22,611 I only said I was a pacifist! 289 00:19:24,695 --> 00:19:26,686 Well, we're back to square one. 290 00:19:26,855 --> 00:19:30,245 God! Look at this weather. You'd think it was winter. 291 00:19:30,415 --> 00:19:35,045 Yes, a chap could lose his bearings in weather like this. 292 00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:37,968 Hey! Do you see what I see? 293 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:42,014 (VYVYAN) Oh, brilliant! Neil, you're joining the police. 294 00:19:53,935 --> 00:19:56,495 - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Entrez. 295 00:20:01,215 --> 00:20:05,493 Hello, I've come to join the police, but I shouldn't think you'd take me... 296 00:20:05,655 --> 00:20:07,771 Hey, hey, hey! 297 00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:13,334 Hey, aren't you Benito Mussolini, conqueror of Abyssinia 298 00:20:13,495 --> 00:20:15,611 and former dictator of Italy? 299 00:20:15,775 --> 00:20:17,606 No. 300 00:20:17,775 --> 00:20:20,608 So, what can I do for you? 301 00:20:20,775 --> 00:20:25,291 It's about joining the police, but I don't think I'm motivated. 302 00:20:25,455 --> 00:20:30,370 Sure you are. There's only one thing you need to know to be a policeman. 303 00:20:30,535 --> 00:20:34,653 Really. You have to be able to go, ''Cccch!'' 304 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,291 (RETCHES) 305 00:20:37,455 --> 00:20:40,765 No, ''Cccch!'' For when you talk into your radio. 306 00:20:40,935 --> 00:20:44,086 You go, ''Cccch!'' You see? 307 00:20:44,255 --> 00:20:47,088 Cccch! That's right! Cccch! That's right! 308 00:20:47,255 --> 00:20:51,043 ''Charlie, Tango, Teakettle, Barbecue. Cccch!'' 309 00:20:51,215 --> 00:20:54,651 - Cccch! - That's right! You practice it. 310 00:20:54,815 --> 00:20:58,967 - If you can't, I kick your head in. - Fascist! 311 00:20:59,135 --> 00:21:00,454 Si. 312 00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:05,287 OK, here is the uniform. Take that, 313 00:21:05,455 --> 00:21:09,607 and as you go out, watch out for the Special Branch. 314 00:21:15,335 --> 00:21:17,291 What's so special about that? 315 00:21:17,455 --> 00:21:20,128 I've got a degree in Computer Science. 316 00:21:20,295 --> 00:21:24,334 Oh, yeah. That's quite special. Yeah. 317 00:21:24,495 --> 00:21:29,410 It's been a terrible blow to my life looking like Mussolini, you know. 318 00:21:29,575 --> 00:21:34,603 Especially when I was a kid. I was down the youth club, dancing away, 319 00:21:34,775 --> 00:21:39,246 in the '60s, doing the twist, and this girl comes up and goes, 320 00:21:39,415 --> 00:21:41,724 '''Ere! Are you Mussolini?'' 321 00:21:43,215 --> 00:21:46,571 I said, ''Um... Yeah. Yeah.'' 322 00:21:46,735 --> 00:21:52,332 She says, ''I thought you was dead.'' I said, ''It was just my day off.'' 323 00:21:52,495 --> 00:21:57,011 She pulled me over and butted me in the face! 324 00:21:57,175 --> 00:22:00,372 She said, ''That's for the invasion of Crete!'' 325 00:22:02,215 --> 00:22:06,606 And now, Italy's contestant in the Eurovision Song Contest. 326 00:22:06,775 --> 00:22:10,927 It's Il Duce with this year's entry. Take it away, Duce! 327 00:22:11,095 --> 00:22:13,086 (RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE) 328 00:22:18,495 --> 00:22:20,645 # Whenever people bother me 329 00:22:20,815 --> 00:22:23,375 # When they shout and raise their voices 330 00:22:23,535 --> 00:22:25,287 # I don't let it get me down 331 00:22:25,455 --> 00:22:28,731 # I just make some stupid noises, I go... 332 00:22:28,895 --> 00:22:30,328 # HuhI HuhI HuhI HuhI 333 00:22:30,495 --> 00:22:32,167 # NiI NiI NiI NiI NiI NiI NiI 334 00:22:32,335 --> 00:22:33,734 # WhizzI BongI WhizzI BongI 335 00:22:33,895 --> 00:22:35,294 # Mrs GandhiI YahI YahI 336 00:22:35,455 --> 00:22:38,891 # Yeeh-haI Ooh-ahI MigI MigI NogI NogI BlurrghI 337 00:22:39,055 --> 00:22:40,647 # WurghI BlurghI NyaI NyiI 338 00:22:40,815 --> 00:22:42,726 # YagI NagI WagI WagI BleeeuuurghI 339 00:22:42,895 --> 00:22:44,931 # When your boss is giving you the sack 340 00:22:45,095 --> 00:22:47,131 # 'Cause you've lost all his invoices 341 00:22:47,295 --> 00:22:49,684 # Don't drink a bottle of sulphuric acid 342 00:22:49,855 --> 00:22:52,494 # Relax, make stupid noisesI Just go... 343 00:22:52,655 --> 00:22:54,008 # YoI YoI YoI 344 00:22:54,175 --> 00:22:56,245 # MigI Nig-nogI WoggaI BlllllaI 345 00:22:56,415 --> 00:22:59,134 # Miz-mogI BingI BongI Yickety-yickety wickI 346 00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,525 # OohI FuhI FuhI Nickety-knockI 347 00:23:01,695 --> 00:23:03,367 # WooI BongI Wiggly-wongI 348 00:23:03,535 --> 00:23:07,210 # NooI NooI pigglyI Nick-nock, big-bock, rheumatism... # 349 00:23:09,975 --> 00:23:12,853 You know, I have the most terrible craving 350 00:23:13,015 --> 00:23:15,848 for a piece of fried lavatory paper. 351 00:23:17,655 --> 00:23:21,330 Well, too bad. You finished the last roll last week. 352 00:23:22,815 --> 00:23:27,206 (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Is there anything I can do for you, Vyvyan? 353 00:23:27,375 --> 00:23:30,287 Um... Yeah. Kill yourself. 354 00:23:31,615 --> 00:23:33,446 (LAUGHS) 355 00:23:35,975 --> 00:23:40,765 I was wondering if you'd thought of a name for your baby yet? 356 00:23:40,935 --> 00:23:43,847 - Shut up or piss off. - Oh, that's charming! 357 00:23:44,015 --> 00:23:47,690 No, no, those are two names I'm considering. 358 00:23:47,855 --> 00:23:52,849 They'll be very handy in later life for getting into fights and things. 359 00:23:53,015 --> 00:23:54,687 Oh! Oh! It's kicking! 360 00:23:57,615 --> 00:23:59,173 Urrrgh! 361 00:24:00,335 --> 00:24:02,974 Oh, Vyvyan... Urrrgh... 362 00:24:04,775 --> 00:24:08,211 Would it be all right to have a listen? 363 00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:10,730 Yeah, help yourself! 364 00:24:12,055 --> 00:24:13,613 You can hear it kicking! 365 00:24:13,775 --> 00:24:16,494 I can't hear anything. All I can hear... 366 00:24:17,935 --> 00:24:21,814 - That's my boy! - Help! My bottom's on fire! 367 00:24:23,095 --> 00:24:24,972 That's very public spirited of you, Rick. 368 00:24:27,535 --> 00:24:32,973 (RADIO ) Hello, pC13? Hello, pC13? Cccch. 369 00:24:33,135 --> 00:24:35,695 Hello, pC13? Cccch. 370 00:24:35,855 --> 00:24:37,573 Oh, wow! That's me, right? 371 00:24:37,735 --> 00:24:40,090 Um... Right... Uh... 372 00:24:40,255 --> 00:24:43,725 Cccch! Hello! Uh... Here I am. 373 00:24:43,895 --> 00:24:45,772 What is your location, pC13? 374 00:24:45,935 --> 00:24:50,053 Uh... Cccch! Well, I'm outside, right, 375 00:24:50,215 --> 00:24:54,686 but like, don't worry, 'cause, like, everything's really mellow, OK? 376 00:24:54,855 --> 00:24:59,087 68 Bryant Street. Get round there, smash it up, and arrest everybody. 377 00:24:59,255 --> 00:25:03,089 Right, right. Cccch! OK. Here goes. 378 00:25:08,815 --> 00:25:11,648 (MUSIC) 379 00:25:24,455 --> 00:25:27,288 Open up! It's the pigs! 380 00:25:31,735 --> 00:25:34,044 Open up! It's the pigs! 381 00:25:40,215 --> 00:25:45,164 Uh... What's the matter, man? I was fast asleep on my bed. 382 00:25:45,335 --> 00:25:48,054 - Oh, hello, Neil, mate! - Hi, Warlock. 383 00:25:48,215 --> 00:25:51,287 Um, look... Uh... This is a bust. 384 00:25:51,455 --> 00:25:53,923 Oh, nice one, man! 385 00:25:54,095 --> 00:25:56,973 Hey! Don't flush the toilet! 386 00:25:57,135 --> 00:26:00,127 It's cool! It's only Neil! 387 00:26:01,135 --> 00:26:03,695 Hey, where'd you get that gear from? 388 00:26:03,855 --> 00:26:06,244 Oh. Uh...down the police station. 389 00:26:06,415 --> 00:26:09,885 Well, you had me fooled. I've eaten half my stash. 390 00:26:10,055 --> 00:26:12,250 Warlock, this is very heavy... 391 00:26:12,415 --> 00:26:14,975 No, man. We've got plenty more inside. 392 00:26:15,135 --> 00:26:18,252 Come in. Take the tit off your head. 393 00:26:21,935 --> 00:26:25,644 Come on in, man. Hey! Neil's come as Mr. Plod! 394 00:26:26,735 --> 00:26:29,693 Right, listen, everybody. Go home! It isn't safe! 395 00:26:29,855 --> 00:26:32,574 Take your stashes! It's not safe! 396 00:26:32,735 --> 00:26:35,169 It's safe. This house is built on a ley line. 397 00:26:35,335 --> 00:26:37,405 - Says who? - The wall. 398 00:26:37,575 --> 00:26:41,773 No, listen, Stonehenge... No, listen, everybody, right. 399 00:26:41,935 --> 00:26:43,846 Listen... 400 00:26:44,015 --> 00:26:45,334 (MUSIC STOPS) 401 00:26:45,495 --> 00:26:49,852 Right, listen... Oh, no... Steve Hillage. 402 00:26:50,015 --> 00:26:54,691 Anyway, listen, everybody. I don't want to bring the evening down, 403 00:26:54,855 --> 00:26:58,211 but, like, basically, you're all under arrest. 404 00:26:59,815 --> 00:27:02,204 Look, everybody. Look what I've just found. 405 00:27:02,375 --> 00:27:05,014 Hello, Earth. Can you read me? 406 00:27:05,175 --> 00:27:09,054 This is Starship Captain Warlock from the planet Freakout, 407 00:27:09,215 --> 00:27:14,243 broadcasting on the inter-galactic airwaves. Can you read me, Earth? 408 00:27:14,415 --> 00:27:17,088 (RADIO ) We receive you. Do you require assistance? 409 00:27:17,255 --> 00:27:23,091 Far out, man! Uh, yeah, we require ten assistants...preferably Swedish! 410 00:27:23,255 --> 00:27:24,688 Yeah! 411 00:27:36,215 --> 00:27:39,127 Oh, no! I should have stuck to rum punch. 412 00:27:41,695 --> 00:27:44,732 (VYVYAN) Four kings, two queens and an ace. 413 00:27:44,895 --> 00:27:48,854 Royal flush - five aces and a jack. 414 00:27:50,655 --> 00:27:53,806 Look, do we have to keep playing this game? 415 00:27:53,975 --> 00:27:56,614 Can't we play something that I'm good at? 416 00:27:56,775 --> 00:28:02,213 - Come on, Rick. What have you got? - One three. 417 00:28:03,615 --> 00:28:05,685 Damn! 418 00:28:05,855 --> 00:28:07,493 Trousers. 419 00:28:09,215 --> 00:28:13,686 It's strange that people with an R in their name only get one card. 420 00:28:14,455 --> 00:28:17,970 - I lose every game because of that. - Trousers! 421 00:28:20,095 --> 00:28:24,247 - Right. Another round? - All right. 422 00:28:24,415 --> 00:28:28,124 Ow! Neil had better hurry up with the money! 423 00:28:28,295 --> 00:28:33,733 We've got no food, no heat, no light. Now I've got a splinter up my bottom! 424 00:28:33,895 --> 00:28:36,455 Don't worry. I've got everything sorted. 425 00:28:36,615 --> 00:28:39,083 Oh! You've got everything sorted, have you? 426 00:28:39,255 --> 00:28:43,089 What have you sorted? I suppose you've arranged for a lorry 427 00:28:43,255 --> 00:28:47,328 loaded with everything we need to smash through the window? 428 00:28:47,495 --> 00:28:50,089 (BRAKES SCREECH) 429 00:28:53,135 --> 00:28:55,729 - (RICK) Bloody hell! - Brilliant! 430 00:28:55,895 --> 00:29:00,013 - Sorry! Sorry! - (MIKE) I don't know what to say. 431 00:29:00,175 --> 00:29:02,643 (DOGS BARK) 432 00:29:10,975 --> 00:29:14,411 - It's a bloody game, eh? - What is? 433 00:29:15,575 --> 00:29:19,045 - Chess. - If you have a nosebleed. 434 00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:21,893 (BARKING) 435 00:29:33,655 --> 00:29:36,613 Oh, no. Wrong house. 436 00:29:43,735 --> 00:29:47,728 Yes. That's fine. Thank you, little old man. Have a large sum of money. 437 00:29:48,735 --> 00:29:50,885 Go away quickly. 438 00:29:51,055 --> 00:29:56,254 - Well, this was a piece of luck. - Frightfully good fortune. Cigar? 439 00:29:56,415 --> 00:30:00,772 - Don't mind if I do. - This caviar's great, as well. 440 00:30:00,935 --> 00:30:03,529 - James Bond smokes these. - Oh, no. 441 00:30:03,695 --> 00:30:08,325 In desperation, the guys have turned into experienced furniture thieves. 442 00:30:08,495 --> 00:30:12,249 Right! Woo! Woo! Woo! 443 00:30:12,415 --> 00:30:15,373 OK, freeze! This is a raid! 444 00:30:15,535 --> 00:30:17,810 Hi, Neil! Want some champagne? 445 00:30:17,975 --> 00:30:22,412 Button your lip, chummy. You're on my manor. 446 00:30:22,575 --> 00:30:26,454 - We've tumbled your game. - Pull up a chaise longue. 447 00:30:26,615 --> 00:30:30,005 There'll be no chaise longues where you're going, Mikey boy. 448 00:30:30,175 --> 00:30:34,373 - I hope you'll come quietly. - No. We're coming very noisily. 449 00:30:34,535 --> 00:30:37,493 Yes. (SCREECHES) 450 00:30:37,655 --> 00:30:43,366 Ow! Quick, get the stirrups! I'm going to have my baby now! 451 00:30:43,535 --> 00:30:45,810 Look what your rough-arm tactics have done, fascist! 452 00:30:45,975 --> 00:30:50,173 - Quick! Dial 999! Get an ambulance! - I can't watch this. 453 00:30:50,335 --> 00:30:52,451 (NEIL) Oh, no! 454 00:30:52,615 --> 00:30:55,527 (HUGE, PROLONGED FART) 455 00:30:59,535 --> 00:31:02,413 Quickly, the keys to the handcuffs! I'm suffocating! 456 00:31:03,415 --> 00:31:05,485 Uh... Keys to handcuffs... 457 00:31:05,655 --> 00:31:08,328 (FARTING CONTINUES) 458 00:31:10,975 --> 00:31:13,045 (FARTING STOPS) 459 00:31:13,215 --> 00:31:16,764 Is it over, then? Congratulations, Vyv. 460 00:31:16,935 --> 00:31:20,484 - Well, is it a boy or a girl? - No, Mike! No! 35386

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