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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,078
Hey, Mom.
2
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,791
Oh, Kelly, something horrible
has happened.
3
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,032
Okay, don't worry, Mom.
I'm gonna call 911.
4
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,516
Oh, my God, I forgot the number.
Oh, God!
5
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,358
Oh, God. Oh, God.
6
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,192
Oh, Kelly, it's okay.
7
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,716
It's just that none
of my shows are on. Look.
8
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:43,669
I turn to Oprah,
and I get Monster Truckin'.
9
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:48,311
I turn to Phil,
and it's midget wrestling.
10
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:53,475
And look, I turn to Richard Bey
and it's a wet T-shirt contest.
11
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:58,718
Oh, wait a second.
That is Richard Bey.
12
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,397
Who could have done this to me?
13
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,118
Hi, Peg.
14
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,471
How was Oprah?
15
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,950
Oprah wasn't on today, Al.
16
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,512
And she won't be on tomorrow
either, Peg.
17
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:35,834
Why? Because I had
the cable company take her off. See?
18
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,314
The "Guy Package"?
19
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,429
With femme block.
20
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,070
See, it's a new service
they offer men...
21
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,073
...and some female tennis players...
22
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,869
...who are tired of watching
girlie crap.
23
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,997
See, Peg, it's my week off...
24
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,629
...and I want to spend it
watching quality TV.
25
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,317
You mean like monster movies,
jiggly shows and The Three Stooges?
26
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,516
Certainly.
27
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,310
And now, the exciting conclusion...
28
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:14,594
...of the Centerfold Weed-Whacker
Murders, on The Guy Channel.
29
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,114
That's it. I'm going over to Marcie's.
30
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,635
Tell her I said:
31
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,108
God, Daddy, you can really be
insensitive sometimes.
32
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,392
I know. Keep it down, pumpkin.
33
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,995
This is where the camp
counselor sprains her knee...
34
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,832
...running away
from the lizard king.
35
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,640
She doesn't have any bandages
so she has to cut strips...
36
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,832
...from her already too short skirt.
37
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,991
Now, this is the part
I gotta ask you to leave, pumpkin.
38
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,956
- Guy package, Dad?
- With femme block, son.
39
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,591
Kelly, guess what?
40
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,798
I've been chosen to be in a research
study about human behavior.
41
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,914
So where do you fit in?
42
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,953
Well, unlike you,
in the front seat of a car.
43
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,828
That's another story.
44
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,150
The point is, they're paying me
300 bucks...
45
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,750
...which should earn me first-class
passage on the old Amber airlines.
46
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,555
Yeah, like she's really knocking
down the door...
47
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,833
...to see you again after your little
movie-theater-popcorn trick.
48
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,716
Hi, Bud.
49
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,950
- Hi, Kelly.
- Hi, Amber, what's up?
50
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,679
Your mom needs her TV Guide.
51
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,673
She says it's in the room
of broken promises.
52
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,480
That would be in her bedroom. Okay.
53
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,118
Amber, my sweet.
54
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,673
It has come to my attention...
55
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,952
...that I may have been
a bit forward with you in the past.
56
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:58,199
You mean like when you grabbed
my shirt and went:
57
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,548
Yeah.
58
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,270
And I was thinking that maybe
I could make it up to you this weekend.
59
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,476
Your pants or mine?
60
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:12,116
You're amazing. Where do you learn
this kind of behavior?
61
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,318
No, you can't hide under
the tree stump.
62
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,480
He can burrow.
63
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,559
Don't you see? He's half mole!
64
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,672
Well, anyway.
For your information...
65
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,553
...a woman is more than a loose
assortment of body parts...
66
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,512
...put here for your entertainment.
67
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,159
We have minds too.
68
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,114
Hey, guys. This is so funny.
69
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,470
What a great idea. Look.
70
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:44,998
Beverly Hills, 90,210.
71
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,632
Boy, they must be really dumb.
72
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,912
That far in the future
they're still in high school.
73
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:57,952
Look, Amber. I do respect your mind.
74
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,954
I'd just respect it even more if it would
bounce gently when you walk.
75
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,032
Smooth.
76
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,840
Kelly, what am I missing?
77
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,152
Well, why don't we make this quicker
and talk about what you've got.
78
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:16,154
- Okay. Well, then, what have I got?
- Nothing. See how quick that was?
79
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,554
Oh, God.
80
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,714
Save me, Al.
81
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:31,192
I walk in the door after a hard day
of billiards and what do I see?
82
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,557
Peggy and Marcie sitting on the couch
watching, on Oprah...
83
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,671
..."Women Who Support Men."
84
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,230
Where do they find these losers?
85
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,916
- You got anything to eat?
- Check the traps.
86
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,714
Hey, Al, you know,
I've always been meaning to ask you...
87
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,279
...what does this switch do?
88
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,909
I don't know.
Get over here and sit down.
89
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,077
- That's your problem, you know that?
- What?
90
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,032
You don't know how to relax.
91
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,432
What the hell does that switch do?
92
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,037
Jefferson?
93
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,309
See what happens
when you pull this blue wire.
94
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:31,193
Two-point-six billion men on the planet
and we didn't marry any of them.
95
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,350
Come on, Al. Call an electrician.
96
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,079
I will not.
97
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,880
Just because someone
calls himself an electrician...
98
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,193
...doesn't mean he knows any more
about electricity than the average guy.
99
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,596
Just as I thought.
100
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,230
Mr. Bundy, I'm Sandy.
101
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,869
Welcome to our study
on human sexuality.
102
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,355
We're going to be exploring
your deepest desires...
103
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,034
...in our cybersex experiment.
104
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,671
We are?
105
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,638
Well, if that's okay.
106
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,673
Because some people are shy and--
107
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,356
Aren't we an eager beaver.
108
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,234
Now, I have something
for you to put on.
109
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,198
Well, no need.
I'm already wearing one.
110
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,314
I think we're a tad confused, Bud.
111
00:08:56,560 --> 00:09:02,715
You see, you will be wearing this
as you enter a world of virtual reality...
112
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,990
...and based on your answers
to our survey...
113
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,152
...we will create
your ideal sexual experience.
114
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,072
I see. I see.
115
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:15,757
So technically speaking,
who will I be boinking?
116
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,995
Your image of the perfect mate.
117
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,715
That shouldn't be a problem.
118
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,395
But who's gonna hold the magazine?
119
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,151
Okay, one more wire
and we'll be all hooked up.
120
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,075
We're hooked up.
121
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,153
This is Dr. Kessler.
He created this experiment.
122
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,550
Dr. Kessler, this is Bud Bundy.
123
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,349
Look, Dr. Kessler,
I don't mean to doubt...
124
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,070
...your little pleasure pouch here.
But, see, you're dealing with a guy...
125
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,159
...who's had the real thing more times
than there are stars in the sky.
126
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:03,354
Well, there are more than four stars
in the sky, Mr. Bundy.
127
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,990
Once you get away from the city
and you can...
128
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,272
We'll monitor his vital signs
from the next room.
129
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,790
I have a feeling
it could get ugly in here.
130
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,994
Doc, the point is...
131
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,031
...nothing can duplicate
the real thing.
132
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,516
I mean, there's not a machine in
the world that can actually re-create--
133
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:29,558
Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.
134
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,713
Oh, big surprise. I'm alone.
135
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,633
My perfect mate is myself.
136
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,830
Last time I tell the truthon a sex survey.
137
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,470
- Amber?
- Surprised to see me...
138
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,831
- ...in your fantasy, Bud?
- No.
139
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,190
No, not at all.
140
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,718
I mean, it is my fantasy.
141
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,033
So now what do we do?
142
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,111
We have sex.
143
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,438
We do?
144
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,074
You mean just like that?
145
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,117
None of that pretending
to respect you...
146
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,232
...or any of that other junk women
devote entire magazines to?
147
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,193
Nope.
148
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,113
Do with me what you will.
149
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,117
Oh, I recognize this. It's foreplay.
150
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,591
Either that or he has a spastic colon.
151
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,318
Oh, baby, what you do.
152
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,313
Yeah, it's his colon.
153
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,919
Let's get a second opinion.
154
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,157
Hey, Bruno.
155
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,518
What does this look like to you?
156
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:54,477
Looks like I'm gonna need
a bigger mop.
157
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,874
- Jefferson?
- Yeah?
158
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,758
See what happens when I do this:
159
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,471
Good. So we got power upstairs.
160
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:38,877
You know, I bet we could teach them
to smoke cigars and ride tricycles.
161
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:43,030
Al, are you ready to call
an electrician?
162
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,037
I will not. I'm gonna find out
what this darn switch does...
163
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,033
...if it kills me and Jefferson.
164
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,838
Our secret weapon.
165
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,799
Now we'll get to the bottom
of this, Peg.
166
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:06,750
Let's do it.
167
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,631
Bob Rooney? He's a butcher.
168
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,191
Hence the genius of it.
169
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:17,916
You see, he owns the entire Time Life
series on household wiring.
170
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,751
Actually, Al,
I don't have those anymore.
171
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,552
My wife made me send them back.
172
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,068
Not before you read them
in the john, right?
173
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,916
Do you know me, or what?
174
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,108
Okay.
175
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:40,275
- Tell us where the circuit box is.
- Outside.
176
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,633
Thank God for Bob Rooney.
177
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,034
We could have been inside for days.
178
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,316
Guys, please call an electrician.
179
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,755
We will not!
180
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,319
I don't know.
181
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,313
Maybe I was too hard on Bud
the other day.
182
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,796
I mean, he is sort of cute,
don't you think?
183
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:16,155
Well, yeah, in a crypt-keeper
kind of a way.
184
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,194
Look, Amber,
I know that he really likes you.
185
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,709
Well, maybe I should
give him a break.
186
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,274
Oh, hi, Bud.
187
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:30,957
I've been thinking about your
invitation, and I'm free Friday.
188
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,156
Oh, good. Good.
189
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,119
You can spend it
hanging with Mr. Cooper.
190
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,193
As for me, I'm kind of busy.
191
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,559
I'll see you tomorrow.
192
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,395
- In your dreams.
- Yeah, you betcha.
193
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:02,349
Al, there is not an eyebrow
left among you.
194
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,915
- Please call someone.
- I will not.
195
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,994
All we have to do, Peg, is find out
where the last few of these wires go...
196
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,708
...and I can start my vacation anew.
197
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,313
And what about Bob Rooney?
198
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,397
You know, he's been
missing for two days.
199
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:19,999
Bob Rooney's not missing.
200
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,112
- Right, Bob Rooney?
- Right, Al.
201
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,113
He's in the wall.
202
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,875
- He is stuck in our house, Al.
- Like he's the only one.
203
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,396
Hey, good news, Al.
204
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,511
Griff thinks he's traced
the problem. Here.
205
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,075
Hang onto this dead wire
while we go to the basement.
206
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,793
Alrighty.
207
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,033
Odd.
208
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:55,432
I see my entire lifeflashing before my eyes.
209
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,875
And that only happens right before--
210
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,555
Hey, Daddy, we need to talk.
211
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,311
What's that smell?
212
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,915
Some hair. Some skin.
213
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,039
- What's up?
- It's Bud, Dad.
214
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,798
He hasn't showered in four days.
215
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,629
He disappears at night and he has no
interest in the opposite sex anymore.
216
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,235
And the problem is?
217
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,835
Daddy, he's like that
and he's not even married.
218
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,359
Pumpkin...
219
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:41,031
...if there was something up with Bud
don't you think I would know it?
220
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,598
Son, are you okay?
221
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,671
Oh, yeah.
222
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,392
See? Father always knows best.
223
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,309
Now, excuse me. There's two guys
in the basement I've gotta kill.
224
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,077
Hey, Bud. What's in the box?
225
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,676
Just some old things
I don't need anymore.
226
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,195
Your porno magazines
and your rubber dolls.
227
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,351
Okay, Bud, I don't understand.
228
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,238
First you blow off Amber.
229
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,792
The only woman who's ever touched you
without saying, "Excuse me, sonny."
230
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,798
And now this?
231
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,999
Look, Kelly. I don't need Amber, okay.
I have her.
232
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,674
Dr. Kessler introduced me
to cybersex...
233
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,519
...and I can create Amber
any time I want.
234
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,751
But she's not the real Amber.
235
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,318
She's better.
236
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,996
She does what I want,
whenever I want it.
237
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,913
This is the breakthrough
that men have been waiting for...
238
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,156
...since the beginning of time.
239
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,909
You know what? It looks like
you and your cross-legged...
240
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,390
..."let's talk," gift-expecting...
241
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,876
...ordering-the-most-expensive-thing-
on-the-menu, "what about me?"...
242
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,510
...bimbo sapiens
are about to be made obsolete.
243
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,359
Amber, yes.
244
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:09,759
Excuse me.
245
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,673
Aren't you the world-famous
Dr. Keebler?
246
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,558
Kessler.
247
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,670
And you are?
248
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,799
Dr. Von Bundy.
I specialize in nuclear dentistry.
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I've never heard of that department.
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Well, it's a top-secret program
between the CIA and Crest...
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...but, anyway, enough about me.
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Tell me about your work.
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Well, I first began
my sexual-behavior studies...
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...10 years ago
on the lower primates.
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That's these disks here.
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With my more recent experiments
I've moved up the evolutionary ladder.
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Somewhat.
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I see. Fascinating.
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So scientifically speaking:
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Yes, well, my goal is to prove that the
human male's psycho-sexual needs...
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...can be fully satisfied
with my machine.
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Thereby eliminating
the embarrassment of rejection.
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Do you really think
that you can make this obsolete?
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Would you care to discuss this
over a moonlit stroll?
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But I have a patient...
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...who is now on autopilot.
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Yes.
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That's the spot.
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You know what I like.
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You bet I do.
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Hey, what happened?
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Enjoy, big boy.
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God! Oh, God!
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Good going, Al.
You have wrecked the house...
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...Jefferson and Griff now look like
fried green tomatoes...
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...and you still don't know
where that switch goes.
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Have you anything at all
to say for yourself?
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Al...
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...bake me.
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- Good night, kids.
- Good night.
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- Good night, Bob Rooney.
- Night, Al.
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You shake it.
Yeah, you shake it, baby.
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That's the Bud I remember.
Good job, Kelly.
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Yeah, well, I can't take all the credit.
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Yeah, yeah, you.
Yeah, you're the one. Yeah.
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That's it.
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You shake that booty, baby.
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You know what I like.
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Al, you better not be fooling
with that switch again.
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I'm not, pookie.
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What the hell does this thing do?
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Man, I gotta find outwhere the switch to this light is.
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