All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S09E20.DVDRip.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Hello. Shop at Home Network?

Yeah, I'd like to order your
NYPD Blue naked-butt...

...salt and pepper shakers.

Mom. Don't you think
you should wait...

...until Dad gets the raise
before you spend it all?

Bud, if I waited to have things
till your father could afford them...

...you'd still be on layaway.

Besides, I have a very good feeling
about this.

I'm in the money

- No raise, right, Al?
- That's right, Peg.

And to prove that every dark cloud
has a silver bullet...

...my boss, Gary, put both me
and Griff on commission.

Commission?

So you mean our budget is now just a
percentage of shiny rocks and sticks?

Thanks for that unwavering
vote of confidence, son.

Now, Peg, since you were the one
who badgered me...

...to ask Gary about the raise,
let's hear your ideas...

...to keep the cash flow
coming into the house.

Well, I'll take that under advisement.

But as usual, I have a plan.

Good. Just as long as it's not one of
those stupid midnight-madness sales.

Where the employees dress up
in those ridiculous costumes...

...that have nothing to do
with what they're selling.

Bud, your father would never do
something stupid like that.

So, Al, what's your idea?

I'm not telling you.

Hey, Mom, Bud, listen.

I have been named
student of the month...

...at the Larry Storch
School of Acting.

Honey, I couldn't be
more proud of you.

Who's Larry Storch?

He played Corporal Agarn
on the TV show F Troop.

- Was he the one with the big--?
- No, no, no.

That was Forrest Tucker.

And not only do I win dinner
with Mr. Storch...

...but I get to do a scene
with him on-stage...

...in front
of very important producers.

Larry and I are
gonna be a team, you know...

...like Wally and the Beavis.

Kelly, what producer
worth his cellular phone...

...would give a tinker's damn
about you and Larry Storch?

Larry Storch?

Did I hear somebody say,
"Larry Storch"?

That's right, Daddy.

The Larry Storch
is coming over here for dinner.

Everybody's favorite corporal?

Coming here to
my least favorite place?

Finally the rewards
of a righteous life.

What is the big fuss
about this Corporal Egg-Roll guy?

Corporal Agarn,
you blasphemous heathen.

You don't understand
the genius of the man.

In F Troop, when one of the idiots
in his regiment would make him mad...

...he'd go walking over to him
like only he could walk...

...and give him a whack
on the head with his hat.

You just don't see that anymore.

There's a lot of things
I don't see anymore.

Especially if they're more than
100 feet from the couch.

- When's he coming?
- Next Tuesday night.

Gadzooks. That's the same time
as my midnight-madness shoe sale.

That's if I was having one.

All right, I'll just make Griff
do everything. Sweetheart...

...I've got to have a picture of Larry
hitting me with his hat.

- Do we have any film?
- Besides the one on your teeth?

If only I had a hat...

...with a big rock in it.

Tell me again what werewolves
have to do with shoes?

Again?

Wolves.

Night.

Moon.

Shoes.

See, wolves are nocturnal.

They hunt at night.

Hence, wolves. Night.

- Moon. Shoes.
- Moon. Shoes.

Now back up, you're about to see...

...the midnight-madness shoe sale
at its ugliest.

And perhaps...

...at its fattest.

You know, if these were real,
I'd rip you to shreds.

Hurry up, Kelly.
Mr. Scorch will be here any minute.

Oh, Mom.

I am so excited.
I mean, just imagine...

...me and Larry Storch
on the stage together.

Tonight, I become a lesbian.

I think you mean a "thespian," dear.

Yeah, well, the reviews aren't in yet.

So how do I look?

Like a limited-edition,
condom-packing Barbie.

Bud, you look nice.
Hey, by the way, can you say:

"You'll never get me, Batman."

Hey, kids, stop it. No fighting.

That's what your father is for.

Mom, I'm just trying
to make her understand...

...that this whole Larry Storch
School of Acting thing is a fraud.

Just like the Larry Storch
School of Karate.

Or the Larry Storch School of Heating
and Air Conditioning Repair.

Larry Storch is not a fraud.

Now, before I started
his acting school, I was untrained...

...I was undisciplined,
I was un- a bunch of things.

But since I've been studying
at his wise and wonderful feet...

...I now can soar with the beagles.

I am a moth
and Larry Storch is my flame.

You know, she's one small step
from selling Watchtower.

There's your father
and his Dodge.

No, that's Larry Storch
and his Dodge.

Now, listen, Bud, tonight
is very, very important to me.

Just try to treat him with the respect
a man of his stature deserves, okay?

Hi.

Anybody wanna buy a Dodge?
One owner, one gear, $1.

One bullet.

Hi, Mr. Storch.
I'd like to introduce you...

...to my lovely family,
but we'll just go with what's here.

- This is my mom, Peggy.
- How do you do?

How do you do, Mr. Storch.
I just loved you in D Cup.

That's F Troop.

- And this is our dog, Buck, over here.
- Charming.

- There's our favorite clock.
- Look at that.

And here's the hat my dad bought so
you could hit him over the head with it.

And here's our favorite can opener--

And there's my brother, Bud.

The kid with the rubber woman.

Kelly did a brilliant,
brilliant monologue in class...

...depicting your sad, pathetic life.
I laughed, I cried.

And now that I meet you,
I'm laughing again.

Well, if I could just borrow some
jumper cables, why, we can...

- ...get this show on the road.
- Not just yet.

You see, my husband really wants
to meet you and he's still at work.

- He's a huge fan of yours.
- Really?

In his defense,
he's also a shoe salesman.

So when's the old shoe-slinger
coming home?

Well, you see,
he's having this madness sale.

You know: wolf, night, moon, moron.

He's probably just in
a selling frenzy right now.

I'll get it.

I ate a fly.

Well, deal with it.

- Hello?
- Al, it's me.

Larry from G Spot is here.

Great, Peg. Keep him there.

Well, all right. But, honey, hurry.
And on your way home...

...do you think you could pick me up
some of those little--

Griff, the Agarn has landed.

- I gotta get home.
- But what if we get a customer?

Don't be silly. Who's gonna come in
here? We're dressed like wolves.

No one is gonna stop me
from meeting my TV hero.

Al, Gary.

Gary's not gonna keep me
from meeting him either.

You know what your trouble is?
You're afraid of the boss.

Yeah. Just because
Gary's built like a man...

...doesn't mean she can hit like one.
Let her come in here and sell shoes.

I'm out of here!

Please don't fire me.

Mr. Storch, that was Al. Something's
come up at the shoe store...

...and he wants us
to bring you down there.

Wait. But, Mom, we gotta rehearse.

After dinner, we're doing our big scene
from Phantom of the Opera.

Kelly, the very first rule of acting:
Never disappoint your public.

No, actually,
that's the second rule of acting.

The first rule is never have
the chile relleno before you do Hamlet.

Well, where's Al working?

Maybe we can just stop by
and see him before dinner.

No. Then he'll want to eat with us.
I know what we'll do.

We'll all go out to dinner, then Bud
will take you down to meet Al...

...and Kelly and I
will go on to the theater.

Gee, thanks, Ma.

Can I pick you up a nice big box
of panty shields while I'm out?

- Now that you mention it, I actually--
- Kelly, to get to the theater...

...you must first go through
the Larry Storch School of Acting...

...and then you must proceed to
the Larry Storch Performing Art Center.

So you mean crawl through the vent
into the old movie house next door?

Bingo.

Isn't this exciting?
And I thought the theater was dead.

No, no. It just smells that way.

But you'll get used to it.

So this is really today's take?

Actually, ma'am,
that's yesterday's take.

We were gonna bring it to the bank, but
they have a 50-cent minimum deposit.

Luckily we haven't taken
our commission out yet.

Which, of course, we're going to plow
right back into the business.

I did not amass my considerable
personal fortune by giving up.

I am determined to turn this place
around and I'll tell you why.

Years ago,
in my first business venture...

...I went with what I thought
was a sure thing.

But it turned out that my partner
was a shyster. I lost my shirt.

- You still had your bra, didn't you?
- Shut up.

From that day forward,
I vowed two things:

One: That I would never again
have a failing business venture.

And two: I would exact my revenge
from the guy that ripped me off.

What kind of business was it?

The Larry Storch School of Heating
and Air Conditioning Repair.

Larry Storch is in the house.

Hit the deck.

This is great. This is great.
What are we gonna do now?

Don't worry about it. Give him to me.

Bring him over here.

What are we gonna do?
Give him mouth-to-mouth?

No, no, no. You are.

But first, take our picture.

Come on, Dad.
Forget about Larry Storch.

This is Kelly's big night.
She's waiting at the theater.

You gotta do the right thing, Dad.

And I intend to.

What right thing?

- So glad you could join us.
- We're thrilled to be here.

Yeah. Wild horses
couldn't have dragged us away.

I'd be happy if one kicked me
in the head right about now.

Well, it's about time you showed up.
Hey, where's Larry?

Well, he's in his dressing room.

- You just go get ready, all right?
- Okay.

I am so excited. Today, Chicago.
Tomorrow, Saturday.

Bud, what took you so long
at the shoe store?

Nothing, nothing. Everything's fine.

You did leave the car running,
didn't you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Larry Storch Players present...

...A Larry Storch production of
Larry Storch's Phantom of the Opera...

...coming to you in Surround Storch.

Starring Larry Storch and his student
of the month, Ms. Kelly Bundy.

Thanks.

Of all the opera joints
in all the world...

...he had to walk into mine.

I care not that his face
stoppeth a clocketh.

'Tis the heart that beats beneath
the face that I desire to see.

I would not forsake you,
O my ghostly one.

I shall search for the E.

That's "thee," you idiot.

I shall search for thee, you idiot.

Well, I think I'll go get
some refreshments.

You will stay here and you will like it.
Now, Larry's about to come on.

If only I wasn't
hideously disfigured.

I can't believe Christine
could love me.

I'll just sit here
and play with my organ.

This one.

Is it me, or has Larry turned
into a beaten-down...

...defeated old man?

Now, that is the power
of a great actor.

You can almost smell his plight.

Smells like feet.

Larry.

Larry, you're supposed to play here.

Charge!

There he is. I shall now unmask him.

Verily, I would love
to show you my face, but I cannot.

I haveth a headache.

But, Phantom, I must unmask you.

It doth further our love
and my career.

So oose-lay the asketh-may.

No can doeth-ay.

- Come on. Give me the mask.
- No, I say.

Give me the damn mask.

Tail. Moons. Feet.

Al.

Wait. Mr. Storch.
That's the emergency exit.

No.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the police will be arriving shortly.

Please exit single file
through the decorative drapes.

We hope you enjoyed
your theater experience.

Well, Daddy, it was really nice of you
to try to help me.

I mean, it would have been nicer
if you had succeeded...

...but at least it shows you care.

Well, you're not mad at me
because I screwed up?

Not really. Mom and Bud
probably are...

...because you wouldn't front them
the 35 bucks to spring them from jail.

And Larry Storch probably is,
because he got knocked out.

And the D'Arcys probably are, but--

Pumpkin, enough with
the pep talk, now.

You know who I really feel bad for,
though, is Griff.

I'd go down there and help him out,
but it's late and I'm dodging an APB.

That's right. Step right up.

Have your picture taken
with TV legend Larry Storch.

Larry Storch was always my favorite.

Every day I watched and hoped
he'd get off the island.

I was a big fan.

Who wasn't?

All right, everybody smile.