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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,711
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
2
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,839
Kelly, I am so glad you're home.
3
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,513
I'm entering this new contest...
4
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,393
...and I need you to think
of something clever.
5
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,479
- Bud, is something wrong?
- Yeah.
6
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,910
You just asked someone
with the IQ of mustard...
7
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,917
...to think of something clever.
8
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:53,638
I will have you know,
oh, winged monkey man...
9
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,398
...that I am just as smart
as anybody else in this room.
10
00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:01,269
So you don't need to spell out "iquee"
around me.
11
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,430
Bud, I'm so glad you're home.
12
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,315
You see,
this feminine-hygiene company...
13
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,308
...is looking for a sidekick for their
new mascot, Tubey the Tampon.
14
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,548
You got any ideas?
15
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,552
Mom, in Bud's defense, you're talking
about an area he knows nothing about.
16
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,514
Now, if it had been for hand wigs
or, say, finger lingerie--
17
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:30,276
Hey, hey, I think that's quite enough,
Kelly.
18
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,517
I thought Dad banned you from
entering all these magazine contests.
19
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:38,919
I don't enter that many contests.
I don't even get that many magazines.
20
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,475
Mail call!
21
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,995
Well, let's see what came today.
Doll Maker.
22
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,754
Lizard Quarterly.
23
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,951
Look here, Ebony.
24
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,760
Esther Rolle moved, Peg.
25
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,996
- Where?
- Closer to the fridge.
26
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,596
Oh, now, what have we here?
Amish Weekly.
27
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,830
New spring color: black.
28
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,597
Mom, are you sure
anybody ever wins these contests?
29
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,876
Would Ed McMahon lie?
30
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,116
Gee, I don't know, would he drink?
31
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,558
Would he laugh at something
that's not funny?
32
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,597
Would he tout the taste of dog food...
33
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,473
...if he thought he could make
a stinking buck?
34
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:40,518
Peg, I'm telling you that nobody ever,
ever wins these contests.
35
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,558
Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack.
36
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,869
Let me in,
I'm gonna blow your mind out.
37
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,392
Anybody here join a record club?
38
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,030
Well, you know,
I'm talking about 30 years ago.
39
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,831
No, I'm here to lay something good
on you.
40
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,710
You guys have just won
our $1-million grand prize.
41
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,472
I can't believe it!
42
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:24,753
Peg, Peg, if you weren't my wife,
I'd kiss you.
43
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,998
Congratulations, Mrs. O'Sullivan.
44
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,355
- Well, my name isn't O'Sullivan.
- Mine is!
45
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,160
Top of the morning to you,
Wolfman, me lad.
46
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,355
Listen, Lojack.
47
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,558
That's Wolfman Jack.
48
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,234
Yeah. Yeah, much cooler.
49
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,473
Listen, our name is Bundy.
50
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:55,111
Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y.
51
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:56,952
Oh, listen, Mrs. Bundy.
52
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,192
You have just won
first-class accommodations...
53
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,472
...on our luxury cruise
to the Caribbean.
54
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,674
How come only she won?
55
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:14,710
Because she wrote the most inspiring
essay for New Widows magazine.
56
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,956
New widows, Peg?
57
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,109
So you do share my dream.
58
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,508
But, you know, I don't wanna
go on a cruise by myself.
59
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:26,675
Hey, Mr. Wolfman...
60
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,031
...don't you think you could just
bend the rules so that Al can come?
61
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,952
- No!
- Please?
62
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,799
This man is unimpeachable,
his character beyond reproach.
63
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,033
He combines the best qualities
of both wolf and man.
64
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:41,988
There's 50 bucks for you.
65
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,873
Sold. I tell you what,
I'll take this first-class ticket...
66
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,036
...and I'll change it in
for two economies.
67
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,838
Peg, I don't wanna go on a cruise.
68
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,230
All that rocking up and down,
side to side.
69
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:52,873
I'll be throwing up all night.
70
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,072
And then there's the motion
of the boat.
71
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,030
Wow, a Caribbean cruise.
72
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,111
- Sounds romantic.
- Oh, it is.
73
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,118
- Al must hate it.
- He does.
74
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,232
Oh, it sounds like such fun.
75
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,869
I wish Jefferson and I could
do something like that.
76
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,356
Maybe I could trade these two tickets
for four less-expensive ones.
77
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,798
- Do you think they'd do that?
- Well, let's find out.
78
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,831
Mr. Man?
79
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,957
Do you think that you could trade
these two really good tickets...
80
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,116
...for four just-okay ones?
81
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,069
Hey, anything's possible.
You got 50 bucks?
82
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,077
- Marcie?
- Oh, why not?
83
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,313
You know, if I don't spend it,
Jefferson will.
84
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,475
- Here.
- Here you go.
85
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:01,193
"Sub-subeconomy class."
86
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,879
I wonder what that is?
87
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,954
Well, the love barge.
88
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,068
- Thanks for bringing me, Peg.
- Oh, it's not so bad.
89
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,357
No, it's like
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea...
90
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,831
...except I'm married
to the giant squid.
91
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,389
- Why must you always be so negative?
- Why did you cross the road?
92
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,836
All right, so the room's
a little cramped.
93
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,116
Most of the time
we're gonna be up on deck...
94
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,278
...eating, dancing,
living the good life.
95
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,273
- So who's the entertainment?
- Gilbert Gottfried.
96
00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,671
Besides, who cares about the room?
This is a singles cruise.
97
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,996
That means wall-to-wall women...
98
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:08,268
...who will be sunning themselves
with their tops unfastened.
99
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,478
What are you guys laughing at?
100
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,796
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
101
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:21,433
We're just happy to be here
with the women we love.
102
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,916
And you guys.
103
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:30,391
Well, I'm just glad you're looking
on the bright side of things.
104
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,833
Me too, Peg. In fact, I can't remember
when I've been so happy.
105
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,868
Hi, and welcome to Cruise Light,
the high-fun, low-fat vacation...
106
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,036
...for women who want to watch
the whales...
107
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,435
...instead of being mistaken
for them.
108
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,436
Now, wait a second.
109
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,677
Now, you're telling me
that every passenger on this ship is--
110
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,070
How can I put this?
111
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,357
--an island unto herself?
112
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,073
Well, maybe now.
113
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,748
But by the time we're done
with our deprivation diet...
114
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:11,916
...and non-stop exercise program,
we'll look as beautiful as those two.
115
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,236
What two?
116
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,511
She means us, poop deck.
117
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,396
Oh, my God,
she does mean the wives.
118
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:35,031
Jefferson, we're on the voyage
of the damned.
119
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,713
Why didn't you tell me
this was a cruise for fat women?
120
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,270
Because you didn't ask me.
Well, I gotta go.
121
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,358
I'm getting my hair done for free
by Mr. Maurice.
122
00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:00,758
- You know who that is?
- A man with a lot of cats?
123
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,831
No. He is the stylist to the stars.
124
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,275
Who do you think
does Sandra Bernhard's hair?
125
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,351
Ray Charles?
126
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,953
- Let's go, Peggy.
- We should've left them at home.
127
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,714
Should've left us at the altar.
128
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,717
Hey, Al, you know what I'm thinking?
129
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,517
How long it'd take us to swim home
from here?
130
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,870
- Don't answer that. That's a trap.
- What kind of trap?
131
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,991
They say, "Yoo-hoo,"
you open the door...
132
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,236
...they slap two pieces of bread
around you...
133
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,271
...and you're never heard from again.
134
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,071
Hello, is there anyone in there?
135
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,519
I don't know. She sounds thin.
I'm gonna open it.
136
00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:00,034
- Hi, my name's Gretchen.
- Hi, my name's--
137
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,196
Wait a second,
I can't remember my name.
138
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,949
- Quick, Al, what's my name?
- Captain No-Nads.
139
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,952
You two are very funny.
Are either of you Gilbert Gottfried?
140
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,077
- He is.
- He is.
141
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,835
Well, I wanted to find out if either
of you will be taking aerobics classes.
142
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,439
- You taking them?
- I'm teaching.
143
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,278
We're taking them.
144
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:33,390
Excuse me, Gretchen, but I thought
that all the passengers were...
145
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,111
...Jurassic.
146
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,432
I mean jolly.
147
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,312
May I share something with you?
148
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,239
Sure. Jefferson,
would you step outside?
149
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,633
What I meant was, since you're
not part of the diet group...
150
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,400
...you can participate
in our after-hours activities.
151
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,916
What kind of after-hour activities?
152
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,720
Well, after our 6:30 roundup
and lockdown...
153
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,717
...for our larger passengers...
154
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,191
...we put away the celery
and those disgusting, chalky shakes...
155
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:10,075
...and bring out the real food.
Tonight is Carnival:
156
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,312
"Couscous
and clothing-optional lambada."
157
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,399
Jefferson, I'm dreaming. Pinch me.
158
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,874
I said, pinch me!
159
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,149
Now, let me get this straight.
160
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,196
At 6:30, you herd all the buffaloes
back to their cells...
161
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,838
...you lock them up...
162
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:58,352
...and then a wild orgy
of scantily clad crew and us...
163
00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,788
...take over the ship?
164
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,270
Right. Is that okay?
165
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,839
Yes. That's fine.
166
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,670
- Thank you.
- Great. I'll see you guys there.
167
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,515
You know the trouble
with rock 'n' roll today?
168
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,029
Took out the bubble machine?
169
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,671
Mr. Jack-Man...
170
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,873
...it's not that we haven't enjoyed
your cute little stories...
171
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,993
...about things that happened
even before Dick Clark was born...
172
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,958
...but you've been here for a week.
173
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,633
I mean...
174
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:46,796
...shouldn't you be out cruising
with the ho-dads or the ho-moms...
175
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,834
...or whatever ho's you guys
run around with?
176
00:13:56,400 --> 00:14:00,916
There's a lot more to Wolfman Jack
than just, "Hi, here's your prize."
177
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:05,870
You ever listen to Wolfman Jack on
the radio live from Planet Hollywood?
178
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,236
Look, whatever he says,
just say yes.
179
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,031
Yes.
180
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,118
I also wrote a book,
my autobiography.
181
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,555
Would you like me to read you
a little bit of it?
182
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,469
- Yes.
- You're the best.
183
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,111
Oh, Al.
184
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,670
This is the best vacation
I have ever been on.
185
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,558
Thank you.
186
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,910
You beaked me!
187
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,838
- Have you been drinking?
- Not since I had a drink.
188
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:07,031
- What do you want?
- Oh, Al, it is amazing out there.
189
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,713
The women may be huge...
190
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:14,313
...but the male crew can swab my deck
any time.
191
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,589
Well, that shouldn't take long.
192
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:25,037
- Where's Peg?
- Oh, she's still getting her hair done.
193
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,071
But I don't know why...
194
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:33,393
...because it always looks
really silly.
195
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,634
Don't tell Al.
196
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,158
Anyway, Al...
197
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:50,599
...at 6:30, I am going back upstairs
for aqua aerobics.
198
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,037
The male crew members
are gonna pretend to be dolphins...
199
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,750
...and I get to pet their dorsal fins.
200
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,913
And vice versa.
201
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,714
Don't tell Jefferson.
202
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,876
Marcie, did you happen to notice...
203
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,595
...if any of the female crew members
are gonna pretend to be dolphins?
204
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,875
No. I think they're gonna
be mermaids...
205
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,835
...or whatever it is you call it
when you swim around topless.
206
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,597
I better go see
what's keeping Peggy.
207
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,510
Heigh-ho, Flipper, away!
208
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:56,514
- Are you ready to roll, buddy?
- Ten seconds till lockdown.
209
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:02,553
- Five, four, three, two, one.
- Five, four, three, two, one.
210
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,833
It's samba time.
211
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,996
Well, Al, what do you think?
212
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,070
About what, Peg?
213
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,794
- My hair.
- Oh, your hair. Oh, it's...
214
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,516
Fine, Peg.
215
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,390
If you're Lyle Lovett.
216
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,478
Shut up.
217
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,679
No, no, he said that, "Al love it."
218
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,878
- You ready to go, Peg?
- Yeah, I guess.
219
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,197
Well, it's kind of cool up there,
you better wear a bag.
220
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,555
A hat, a hat, I meant a hat.
221
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,394
I can't go out in public like this.
222
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,637
No, I know you can't, sweetheart.
I know you can't--
223
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,910
- Come on, Jefferson.
- You can't go either.
224
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,594
Why? My hair don't look like crap!
225
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,752
Oh, what's the matter now, Peg?
226
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,355
Why don't I just go check things out.
You just call me if you need me, okay?
227
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,836
- I need you, I need you!
- Oh, hold me, Al.
228
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,640
I wanna go to the party!
229
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,839
You don't mind staying in with me,
do you, Al?
230
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,349
No.
231
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:09,588
I'd much rather be in here
than up there in a Russ Meyer movie.
232
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,235
Good, because I am never
leaving this room.
233
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,594
- Al?
- What?
234
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,198
Make love to me.
235
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,432
Why? I didn't screw up your hair!
236
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,789
It's just that I feel so unattractive...
237
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,237
...especially with those aerobics girls
bouncing around up there.
238
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,756
I know you'd rather be on deck
rather than staying in here with me...
239
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,155
...and I really do appreciate it.
240
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,834
You know, Al,
I know that I don't say it very much...
241
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,952
...but you are a great guy.
242
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,957
Al?
243
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,634
Smell that salt-hallway air.
244
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,310
Fine. If you'd rather be up there
partying...
245
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,637
...while your wife is here,
who needs you, just go right ahead.
246
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:12,949
Thanks. Bye.
247
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,800
- We're going down!
- What, you mean the party's moved?
248
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,713
No, the ship is sinking!
249
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,309
One of the fat women
smelled the jerk chicken...
250
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,239
...and tried to cut through the floor
with a blowtorch!
251
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,149
- Oh, my God, we're really sinking?
- Come on.
252
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,830
If we were really sinking, you think
I could look in this porthole and see--?
253
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,308
Fish!
254
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,552
Oh, my God, we're going to die!
255
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,713
Thank you, Peg,
for booking me on the Titanic!
20191
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