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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,711 - Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom. 2 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,839 Kelly, I am so glad you're home. 3 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:29,513 I'm entering this new contest... 4 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,393 ...and I need you to think of something clever. 5 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,479 - Bud, is something wrong? - Yeah. 6 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,910 You just asked someone with the IQ of mustard... 7 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,917 ...to think of something clever. 8 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:53,638 I will have you know, oh, winged monkey man... 9 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,398 ...that I am just as smart as anybody else in this room. 10 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:01,269 So you don't need to spell out "iquee" around me. 11 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,430 Bud, I'm so glad you're home. 12 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,315 You see, this feminine-hygiene company... 13 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,308 ...is looking for a sidekick for their new mascot, Tubey the Tampon. 14 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,548 You got any ideas? 15 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,552 Mom, in Bud's defense, you're talking about an area he knows nothing about. 16 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,514 Now, if it had been for hand wigs or, say, finger lingerie-- 17 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:30,276 Hey, hey, I think that's quite enough, Kelly. 18 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,517 I thought Dad banned you from entering all these magazine contests. 19 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:38,919 I don't enter that many contests. I don't even get that many magazines. 20 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,475 Mail call! 21 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,995 Well, let's see what came today. Doll Maker. 22 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,754 Lizard Quarterly. 23 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,951 Look here, Ebony. 24 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,760 Esther Rolle moved, Peg. 25 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,996 - Where? - Closer to the fridge. 26 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,596 Oh, now, what have we here? Amish Weekly. 27 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,830 New spring color: black. 28 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,597 Mom, are you sure anybody ever wins these contests? 29 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,876 Would Ed McMahon lie? 30 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,116 Gee, I don't know, would he drink? 31 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,558 Would he laugh at something that's not funny? 32 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,597 Would he tout the taste of dog food... 33 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,473 ...if he thought he could make a stinking buck? 34 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:40,518 Peg, I'm telling you that nobody ever, ever wins these contests. 35 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,558 Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack. 36 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,869 Let me in, I'm gonna blow your mind out. 37 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,392 Anybody here join a record club? 38 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,030 Well, you know, I'm talking about 30 years ago. 39 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,831 No, I'm here to lay something good on you. 40 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,710 You guys have just won our $1-million grand prize. 41 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,472 I can't believe it! 42 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:24,753 Peg, Peg, if you weren't my wife, I'd kiss you. 43 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,998 Congratulations, Mrs. O'Sullivan. 44 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,355 - Well, my name isn't O'Sullivan. - Mine is! 45 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,160 Top of the morning to you, Wolfman, me lad. 46 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,355 Listen, Lojack. 47 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,558 That's Wolfman Jack. 48 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,234 Yeah. Yeah, much cooler. 49 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,473 Listen, our name is Bundy. 50 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:55,111 Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y. 51 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:56,952 Oh, listen, Mrs. Bundy. 52 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,192 You have just won first-class accommodations... 53 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,472 ...on our luxury cruise to the Caribbean. 54 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,674 How come only she won? 55 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:14,710 Because she wrote the most inspiring essay for New Widows magazine. 56 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,956 New widows, Peg? 57 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,109 So you do share my dream. 58 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,508 But, you know, I don't wanna go on a cruise by myself. 59 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:26,675 Hey, Mr. Wolfman... 60 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,031 ...don't you think you could just bend the rules so that Al can come? 61 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,952 - No! - Please? 62 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,799 This man is unimpeachable, his character beyond reproach. 63 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,033 He combines the best qualities of both wolf and man. 64 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:41,988 There's 50 bucks for you. 65 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,873 Sold. I tell you what, I'll take this first-class ticket... 66 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,036 ...and I'll change it in for two economies. 67 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,838 Peg, I don't wanna go on a cruise. 68 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,230 All that rocking up and down, side to side. 69 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:52,873 I'll be throwing up all night. 70 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,072 And then there's the motion of the boat. 71 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,030 Wow, a Caribbean cruise. 72 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,111 - Sounds romantic. - Oh, it is. 73 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,118 - Al must hate it. - He does. 74 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,232 Oh, it sounds like such fun. 75 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,869 I wish Jefferson and I could do something like that. 76 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,356 Maybe I could trade these two tickets for four less-expensive ones. 77 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,798 - Do you think they'd do that? - Well, let's find out. 78 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,831 Mr. Man? 79 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,957 Do you think that you could trade these two really good tickets... 80 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,116 ...for four just-okay ones? 81 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,069 Hey, anything's possible. You got 50 bucks? 82 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,077 - Marcie? - Oh, why not? 83 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,313 You know, if I don't spend it, Jefferson will. 84 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,475 - Here. - Here you go. 85 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:01,193 "Sub-subeconomy class." 86 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,879 I wonder what that is? 87 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,954 Well, the love barge. 88 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,068 - Thanks for bringing me, Peg. - Oh, it's not so bad. 89 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,357 No, it's like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea... 90 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,831 ...except I'm married to the giant squid. 91 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,389 - Why must you always be so negative? - Why did you cross the road? 92 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,836 All right, so the room's a little cramped. 93 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,116 Most of the time we're gonna be up on deck... 94 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,278 ...eating, dancing, living the good life. 95 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,273 - So who's the entertainment? - Gilbert Gottfried. 96 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,671 Besides, who cares about the room? This is a singles cruise. 97 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,996 That means wall-to-wall women... 98 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:08,268 ...who will be sunning themselves with their tops unfastened. 99 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,478 What are you guys laughing at? 100 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,796 - Nothing. - Nothing. 101 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:21,433 We're just happy to be here with the women we love. 102 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,916 And you guys. 103 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:30,391 Well, I'm just glad you're looking on the bright side of things. 104 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,833 Me too, Peg. In fact, I can't remember when I've been so happy. 105 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,868 Hi, and welcome to Cruise Light, the high-fun, low-fat vacation... 106 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,036 ...for women who want to watch the whales... 107 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,435 ...instead of being mistaken for them. 108 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,436 Now, wait a second. 109 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,677 Now, you're telling me that every passenger on this ship is-- 110 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,070 How can I put this? 111 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,357 --an island unto herself? 112 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,073 Well, maybe now. 113 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,748 But by the time we're done with our deprivation diet... 114 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:11,916 ...and non-stop exercise program, we'll look as beautiful as those two. 115 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,236 What two? 116 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,511 She means us, poop deck. 117 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,396 Oh, my God, she does mean the wives. 118 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:35,031 Jefferson, we're on the voyage of the damned. 119 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:47,713 Why didn't you tell me this was a cruise for fat women? 120 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,270 Because you didn't ask me. Well, I gotta go. 121 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,358 I'm getting my hair done for free by Mr. Maurice. 122 00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:00,758 - You know who that is? - A man with a lot of cats? 123 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,831 No. He is the stylist to the stars. 124 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,275 Who do you think does Sandra Bernhard's hair? 125 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,351 Ray Charles? 126 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,953 - Let's go, Peggy. - We should've left them at home. 127 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,714 Should've left us at the altar. 128 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,717 Hey, Al, you know what I'm thinking? 129 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,517 How long it'd take us to swim home from here? 130 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,870 - Don't answer that. That's a trap. - What kind of trap? 131 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,991 They say, "Yoo-hoo," you open the door... 132 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,236 ...they slap two pieces of bread around you... 133 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,271 ...and you're never heard from again. 134 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,071 Hello, is there anyone in there? 135 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,519 I don't know. She sounds thin. I'm gonna open it. 136 00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:00,034 - Hi, my name's Gretchen. - Hi, my name's-- 137 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,196 Wait a second, I can't remember my name. 138 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,949 - Quick, Al, what's my name? - Captain No-Nads. 139 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,952 You two are very funny. Are either of you Gilbert Gottfried? 140 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,077 - He is. - He is. 141 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,835 Well, I wanted to find out if either of you will be taking aerobics classes. 142 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,439 - You taking them? - I'm teaching. 143 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,278 We're taking them. 144 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:33,390 Excuse me, Gretchen, but I thought that all the passengers were... 145 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,111 ...Jurassic. 146 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,432 I mean jolly. 147 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,312 May I share something with you? 148 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,239 Sure. Jefferson, would you step outside? 149 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,633 What I meant was, since you're not part of the diet group... 150 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,400 ...you can participate in our after-hours activities. 151 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,916 What kind of after-hour activities? 152 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,720 Well, after our 6:30 roundup and lockdown... 153 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,717 ...for our larger passengers... 154 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,191 ...we put away the celery and those disgusting, chalky shakes... 155 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:10,075 ...and bring out the real food. Tonight is Carnival: 156 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,312 "Couscous and clothing-optional lambada." 157 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,399 Jefferson, I'm dreaming. Pinch me. 158 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,874 I said, pinch me! 159 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,149 Now, let me get this straight. 160 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,196 At 6:30, you herd all the buffaloes back to their cells... 161 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,838 ...you lock them up... 162 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:58,352 ...and then a wild orgy of scantily clad crew and us... 163 00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,788 ...take over the ship? 164 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,270 Right. Is that okay? 165 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,839 Yes. That's fine. 166 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,670 - Thank you. - Great. I'll see you guys there. 167 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,515 You know the trouble with rock 'n' roll today? 168 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,029 Took out the bubble machine? 169 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,671 Mr. Jack-Man... 170 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,873 ...it's not that we haven't enjoyed your cute little stories... 171 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,993 ...about things that happened even before Dick Clark was born... 172 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,958 ...but you've been here for a week. 173 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,633 I mean... 174 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:46,796 ...shouldn't you be out cruising with the ho-dads or the ho-moms... 175 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,834 ...or whatever ho's you guys run around with? 176 00:13:56,400 --> 00:14:00,916 There's a lot more to Wolfman Jack than just, "Hi, here's your prize." 177 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:05,870 You ever listen to Wolfman Jack on the radio live from Planet Hollywood? 178 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,236 Look, whatever he says, just say yes. 179 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,031 Yes. 180 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,118 I also wrote a book, my autobiography. 181 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,555 Would you like me to read you a little bit of it? 182 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,469 - Yes. - You're the best. 183 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,111 Oh, Al. 184 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,670 This is the best vacation I have ever been on. 185 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,558 Thank you. 186 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,910 You beaked me! 187 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,838 - Have you been drinking? - Not since I had a drink. 188 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:07,031 - What do you want? - Oh, Al, it is amazing out there. 189 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,713 The women may be huge... 190 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:14,313 ...but the male crew can swab my deck any time. 191 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,589 Well, that shouldn't take long. 192 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:25,037 - Where's Peg? - Oh, she's still getting her hair done. 193 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,071 But I don't know why... 194 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:33,393 ...because it always looks really silly. 195 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,634 Don't tell Al. 196 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,158 Anyway, Al... 197 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:50,599 ...at 6:30, I am going back upstairs for aqua aerobics. 198 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,037 The male crew members are gonna pretend to be dolphins... 199 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,750 ...and I get to pet their dorsal fins. 200 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,913 And vice versa. 201 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,714 Don't tell Jefferson. 202 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,876 Marcie, did you happen to notice... 203 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,595 ...if any of the female crew members are gonna pretend to be dolphins? 204 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,875 No. I think they're gonna be mermaids... 205 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,835 ...or whatever it is you call it when you swim around topless. 206 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,597 I better go see what's keeping Peggy. 207 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,510 Heigh-ho, Flipper, away! 208 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:56,514 - Are you ready to roll, buddy? - Ten seconds till lockdown. 209 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:02,553 - Five, four, three, two, one. - Five, four, three, two, one. 210 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,833 It's samba time. 211 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,996 Well, Al, what do you think? 212 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,070 About what, Peg? 213 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,794 - My hair. - Oh, your hair. Oh, it's... 214 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,516 Fine, Peg. 215 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,390 If you're Lyle Lovett. 216 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,478 Shut up. 217 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,679 No, no, he said that, "Al love it." 218 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,878 - You ready to go, Peg? - Yeah, I guess. 219 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,197 Well, it's kind of cool up there, you better wear a bag. 220 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,555 A hat, a hat, I meant a hat. 221 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,394 I can't go out in public like this. 222 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,637 No, I know you can't, sweetheart. I know you can't-- 223 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,910 - Come on, Jefferson. - You can't go either. 224 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,594 Why? My hair don't look like crap! 225 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,752 Oh, what's the matter now, Peg? 226 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,355 Why don't I just go check things out. You just call me if you need me, okay? 227 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,836 - I need you, I need you! - Oh, hold me, Al. 228 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,640 I wanna go to the party! 229 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,839 You don't mind staying in with me, do you, Al? 230 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,349 No. 231 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:09,588 I'd much rather be in here than up there in a Russ Meyer movie. 232 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,235 Good, because I am never leaving this room. 233 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,594 - Al? - What? 234 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,198 Make love to me. 235 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,432 Why? I didn't screw up your hair! 236 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,789 It's just that I feel so unattractive... 237 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,237 ...especially with those aerobics girls bouncing around up there. 238 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,756 I know you'd rather be on deck rather than staying in here with me... 239 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,155 ...and I really do appreciate it. 240 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,834 You know, Al, I know that I don't say it very much... 241 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,952 ...but you are a great guy. 242 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,957 Al? 243 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,634 Smell that salt-hallway air. 244 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,310 Fine. If you'd rather be up there partying... 245 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,637 ...while your wife is here, who needs you, just go right ahead. 246 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:12,949 Thanks. Bye. 247 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,800 - We're going down! - What, you mean the party's moved? 248 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,713 No, the ship is sinking! 249 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,309 One of the fat women smelled the jerk chicken... 250 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,239 ...and tried to cut through the floor with a blowtorch! 251 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,149 - Oh, my God, we're really sinking? - Come on. 252 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,830 If we were really sinking, you think I could look in this porthole and see--? 253 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,308 Fish! 254 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,552 Oh, my God, we're going to die! 255 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,713 Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic! 20191

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