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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,234
- Hi, Daddy.
- Look at this.
2
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,948
The bad guy shoots Superman
a dozen times...
3
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,357
...see the bullets bounce off,
so they throw their guns at him.
4
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:37,753
It's like they can't kill him...
5
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,599
...so they think they can give him
a bad bruise.
6
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,875
What a bunch of morons.
7
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:47,271
Daddy, do you notice
anything different about me?
8
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,272
No, son.
9
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,951
Daddy, it's Kelly.
10
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:57,271
Tell her to come in.
11
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,157
I am already in.
12
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,432
And I am wearing a brunette wig.
13
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,279
"Why?" you ask.
14
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,557
Because I got picked to do
a public service announcement.
15
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,950
I decided that I should do it
as a brunette...
16
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,993
...since blonds have a reputation
for being dumb.
17
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,752
Which we all know
is just a stereo system.
18
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,153
Pumpkin, Daddy is watching
a very important program.
19
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,436
It's called Superman.
20
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,719
What's the big S stand for?
21
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,552
Straight.
22
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,555
Can't be too careful when you take
your pants off in a phone booth.
23
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,878
Now go away, honey,
I'm studying this kryptonite thing.
24
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,516
If it'll stop Superman,
it might just work on your mother.
25
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,395
Fine. You never pay any attention
to me.
26
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,029
It's why I seek the cash
and affection of older men.
27
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:04,035
That's nice, pumpkin.
And I do pay attention.
28
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,318
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Peg.
29
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,672
It's me, Dad.
30
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,791
I got to tell you about my day.
31
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,600
I had to give a driving test
to a woman who was so fat...
32
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,389
...they had to shoot her license photo
with the Hubble Telescope.
33
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,752
Listen to me. I don't have time...
34
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,757
...for your shaggy, fat-woman stories.
35
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,556
- You never listen to anyone.
- I listen to Superman.
36
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,832
He and Clark are very wise.
37
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,673
You're a sick man, Dad.
38
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,512
Hey, you're not a sick person
just because you watch Superman.
39
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:46,719
You're a sick person
if you think you really are Superman.
40
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,953
Hey, Al.
41
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,312
Jefferson.
42
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,350
Peg kept me up half the night.
43
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,718
Yeah, well, you're lucky.
Marcie kept half of me up all night.
44
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,110
Hey, I'm on my way
to a memorabilia auction.
45
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,749
Wanna buy Marcie one
of those original Barbie dolls...
46
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,552
...for her birthday. You wanna come?
47
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,512
No. I don't care much
for memorabilia.
48
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,156
I live my life in the present.
Dragnet is on.
49
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,832
Al.
50
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,634
Guess what I won at bingo.
51
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,991
A concertina.
52
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,757
Come on, Jefferson,
we'll be late for that auction.
53
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,676
Do I have another bid?
54
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:59,314
Sold for $3200.
Michael Jackson's original nose.
55
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,477
Well, I hope the Barbie bidding
stays low.
56
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,636
I only brought 2 grand.
57
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,950
Two grand for a Barbie doll?
58
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,555
A real woman isn't worth that much.
59
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,350
And the next item up for bid,
still in its original wrapper...
60
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:20,559
...the first issue of Big 'Uns.
61
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,880
Twelve hundred dollars.
62
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,038
Sold.
63
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,759
- You don't have any money.
- You got 2 grand.
64
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:38,514
Al, that is money I took from Marcie
for her birthday present.
65
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,672
Jefferson, this is the first issue
of Big 'Uns.
66
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:45,799
There's 40 pages. That's 80 "uns."
67
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,628
Okay. Maybe I can find
a Barbie for 800.
68
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,316
You won't be able to find
Woodstock Barbie for that.
69
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,474
- "Woodstock Barbie"?
- Oh, yes.
70
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,472
As any Barbiephile would know...
71
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,353
...Woodstock Barbie comes
with elephant-like bell-bottoms...
72
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,232
...and in a poor boy top.
73
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,278
I'm prepared to go as high as 10,000.
74
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,072
And I'm prepared to call
America's Most Wanted.
75
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:19,991
I was lucky to get this Nurse Barbie
for $800.
76
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,312
Look. They put a bellybutton on her.
77
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,836
I guess they want little girls to know
how the human body really looks.
78
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,237
That's why married Ken
has no genitals.
79
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,836
Well, Jefferson,
I'll see you next week.
80
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,673
Oh, hi, honey.
81
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,435
Hey, Jefferson,
I have your auction catalogue here.
82
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,956
You know, I can't believe
what people pay for these Barbies...
83
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,476
...especially the ones with mistakes.
Look.
84
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:54,834
A Barbie head on a Ken body
goes for $8000.
85
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,635
And look at this.
86
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:01,516
Fifty thousand dollars
for a Nurse Barbie with a bellybutton.
87
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,512
I'll tell you, the things people
spend their money on.
88
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,034
Well, if anybody wants me...
89
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:14,199
...I'll be upstairs
in my new tanning bubble.
90
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,237
Jefferson, it's $50,000.
91
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,950
Well, what are we gonna do?
92
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,917
We...
93
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,399
...say goodbye to you...
94
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:38,596
...and catch a plane to Aruba.
95
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,796
Al, it's Marcie.
96
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,674
Jefferson Milhouse D'Arcy.
97
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,593
Open this door right now.
98
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,912
I can't give bellybutton Barbie
to Marcie.
99
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,720
It's more valuable than she is.
100
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,913
Hey, wait. Wait. I got an idea.
Go let her in. Go, go.
101
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,470
Hey, Marcie,
I thought I heard some pecking.
102
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,758
Out of my way, swamp gas.
103
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,231
That's Mr. Swamp Gas to you.
104
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,797
I'm sorry about the door, honey.
105
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,389
I just didn't want you to see
your birthday present...
106
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,955
...before I got the price tag off.
107
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,112
Happy birthday.
108
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,675
A rawhide bone, Jefferson?
109
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,039
Now give me back my bone...
110
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,879
...or I'm ripping everybody
a new bellybutton.
111
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,597
Jefferson.
112
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,268
An original Nurse Barbie.
113
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,988
I've wanted this doll all my life.
114
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,310
My parents never let me
have a Barbie.
115
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,156
Instead they bought me
a Chinese backscratcher.
116
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:17,672
I put clothes and makeup on it,
but it just wasn't the same.
117
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,991
Oh, thank you, honey.
118
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,357
I'm never letting her out of my sight.
119
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,512
Me, neither.
120
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,748
Hey, here comes Popeye.
121
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:46,310
Hey, Al, you want to try
my squeeze box?
122
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,268
No, Peg, you blew this man down
a long time ago.
123
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,872
Peg? Kelly?
124
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,872
Bud?
125
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,079
Good. Bring on the Big 'Uns.
126
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,390
- Hey, Dad.
- Of course.
127
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,593
Well...
128
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,756
Today, while I was giving
a driving test...
129
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:35,679
...I learned that windshields are made
from this stuff called safety glass.
130
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:41,278
That's so no one else will get hurt
when I go flying through it.
131
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,672
Now look, son.
132
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,149
Son, look, it's not that I don't care.
133
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,675
Oh, sure that's part of it.
134
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:52,789
But the main thing is...
135
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,230
...I've got something very important
to do.
136
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,998
Big 'Uns?
137
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,472
Some bigger than your entire body.
138
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,877
Now, son, you've got two choices.
139
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:15,113
Get out or get the hell out.
140
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:19,634
Fine.
141
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,990
You never pay any attention to me.
142
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,273
Is it any wonder I seek the affections
of sleazy bar maids...
143
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,550
...and 25-cent movies?
144
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,755
Gee, now I feel bad.
145
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,755
Yep, now I feel good.
146
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,110
Look, Daddy, I changed my mind.
147
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,920
I decided that it is not
the colour of the hair...
148
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,670
...but the head that it's stuck to,
that is important.
149
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,439
Ergo, I have decided
to do the announcement...
150
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:08,434
...proudly wearing this blond wig.
151
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,275
But, pumpkin,
that's your real hair colour.
152
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,436
They don't know that.
153
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:25,238
That's a good point, sweetheart.
Now, you leave Daddy alone now.
154
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,434
Okay.
155
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,835
I don't think Daddy was
listening to me.
156
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,992
I'll bet he's got a Big 'Uns
under the couch.
157
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,036
Oh, well, the important thing
to remember...
158
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:41,956
...is I'm going up the stairs,
up the stairs. Wait.
159
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,392
Where was I going?
160
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:50,151
Oh, yeah. Up the stairs, up the stairs.
161
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,153
I got a big problem, Al.
162
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,277
Marcie hasn't let go
of that Barbie doll...
163
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,391
...since I gave it to her.
164
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,479
I need you to do me a little favour.
165
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,518
Can I do it
while I'm reading my magazine?
166
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,309
You know, that magazine
still belongs to me...
167
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,829
...until you've paid me for it.
168
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,557
What is the favour?
169
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,834
I need you to sleep with Marcie.
170
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,997
I don't mean sleep with her.
171
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,840
Just lie next to her
so I can switch that Barbie...
172
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,678
...with the regular Nurse Barbie.
173
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,956
The Barbiephile
that we saw at the auction...
174
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,390
...will give me $50,000
and the substitute.
175
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,672
It'd just take an hour
until I make the trade. How about it?
176
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:43,633
Jefferson. Peg might wake up
and notice me gone...
177
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:48,550
...and then it might ruin
an otherwise-sickening marriage.
178
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,793
Hey, look, Al. She's dancing.
179
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,600
Oh, all right, I'll do it.
180
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,671
Al, I'm so glad you're home.
181
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,510
Gladys has just taught myself
and the entire neighbourhood...
182
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,389
..."John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."
183
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,238
I'll leave my pyjamas
under the weeping willow tree.
184
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,792
Good move.
185
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,390
Hit it, girls.
186
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,878
What took you so long?
187
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,712
You haven't lived until you heard...
188
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,798
..."Itsy Bitsy Spider"
played on a concertina.
189
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,388
And speaking of things
I'm afraid of with hairy legs...
190
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,750
...let's get this thing over with.
191
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,239
- You're sure she won't wake up?
- Positive.
192
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,278
We just had sex three times.
193
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:18,077
And I did her real good.
194
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,039
Okay, I switched the Barbie
with a Chinese backscratcher.
195
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,872
One hour, Jefferson.
You better be back here in one hour.
196
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,111
One hour.
197
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,108
And if you hear a noise
coming from across the hall...
198
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,799
...that's Marcie's niece, Amber.
199
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,436
Anything else I should know?
200
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:48,389
Well, Marcie likes me to sleep
with my hand on her tush.
201
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,549
It'll keep her from waking up.
202
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,031
Jefferson, where are you?
203
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,595
Well, Jefferson isn't back yet.
There's a shock.
204
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:40,030
Fifty grand in his pock et
and me with his wife.
205
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,151
Gee, who came out ahead?
206
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,440
To hell with this,
I'm getting out of here.
207
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,955
Hello? Peggy?
208
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,397
I'm worried about Al. He's missing.
209
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,471
I thought maybe
he was with Jefferson.
210
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,395
No, my Jefferson's right here.
211
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,912
Gee.
212
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:13,079
You know, his remote is cold.
213
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,238
And the toilet seat is dry.
214
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,673
Where do you think he could be?
215
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,832
Well, maybe
he's with another woman.
216
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,839
Listen, don't you worry, Peggy...
217
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,793
...if we hear anything,
we'll let you know.
218
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,309
Jefferson.
219
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,358
You want to take me again?
220
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,311
Come on, I don't mean to criticize...
221
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,479
...but you didn't really satisfy me
earlier.
222
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,951
Aunt Marcie,
do you have a heating pad?
223
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,431
There's one in the nightstand.
Are you sick?
224
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,148
I'm on my period.
You know how it is.
225
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,958
Yeah, I know the feeling.
226
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,875
I've gone to the super tampons
lately myself.
227
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,189
The things that happen...
228
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,597
...when you forget to pack
your cyanide pill.
229
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,594
Even my breasts are swollen.
230
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:32,949
Want to see?
231
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,829
Not here. We don't want to wake
Uncle Jefferson.
232
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,996
Jefferson, rub my back.
233
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,990
That's my chest.
234
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,076
I can't get back in bed with her.
235
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,390
But on the good side,
soon Marcie will get up,
236
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,398
I'll see her pluck ed nak ed
and drop dead.
237
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:28,759
I'm sorry I'm late, buddy.
238
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,911
I swapped the Barbie's,
I got the 50 thou.
239
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:35,033
I was on my way back
when I got the urge to gamble.
240
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,952
I felt a lucky streak coming on...
241
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,355
...so I decided to run
my 50 thou into 100.
242
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,115
- Well, did you?
- No, I lost it all.
243
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,997
So did I. I wouldn't go
in your bathroom if I were you.
244
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:53,319
Your shirt is all wet.
You even sweat in bed?
245
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,074
Those are tears, Jefferson.
246
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,191
Jefferson?
247
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,476
- She's waking up. Go. Go.
- I'm going.
248
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,349
- Did you hear someone screaming?
- Yeah.
249
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,551
It was probably Al falling
from the window...
250
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,194
...after having slept with you.
251
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:44,349
Al Bundy, where have you been?
252
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,315
Sleeping with Marcie.
253
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,595
Don't you lie to me.
254
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,270
You have been
at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack.
255
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,118
Haven't you?
256
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,428
And I've been up all night,
worried sick.
257
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:04,878
Pacing, fretting, cleaning...
Which I should do more often.
258
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,839
Do you know that I found a magazine
underneath that couch...
259
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,519
...that was over 40 years old?
260
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,671
Oh, no.
261
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,673
Where is it?
262
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,353
I threw it out.
263
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:24,276
Oh, Peg. Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.
264
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:29,674
Oh, honey, you want Big 'Uns?
265
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:34,994
- I'll give you Big 'Uns.
- No, I said, Big 'Uns. Not those ones.
20027
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