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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,506 Screwdriver? 2 00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:06,640 Screwdriver. 3 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:10,944 Pliers? 4 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,180 Pliers. 5 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,419 No, no, no, no, Eject, eject, eject. 6 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,693 I found your problem. 7 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,132 Your shielded cable is crossed With your power line. 8 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,966 But don't worry, I fixed it. 9 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,436 Alright, let her rip, carl. 10 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,673 [buzzing] 11 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,578 Did I do that? 12 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,458 * it's a rare condition * 13 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,227 * in this day and age * 14 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:02,596 * to read any good news On the newspaper page * 15 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:06,167 * and love and tradition Of the grand design * 16 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:10,571 * some people say Is even harder to find * 17 00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:13,807 * well, then, there must be Some magic clue * 18 00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:17,845 * inside these gentle walls * 19 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,482 * 'cause all I see Is a tower of dreams * 20 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:25,286 * real love burstin' Out of every seam * 21 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,390 * as days go by * 22 00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:33,261 * we're gonna fill our house With happiness * 23 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:36,330 * the moon may cry * 24 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:40,067 * we're gonna smother the blues With tenderness * 25 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:43,504 * as days go by * 26 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,239 * there's room for you * 27 00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:46,840 * room for me * 28 00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:51,111 * for gentle hearts An opportunity * 29 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:54,348 * as days go by * 30 00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:58,552 * it's the bigger love Of the family * 31 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,365 Hi, everybody. 32 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,935 Got anything In the fridge? 33 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,305 Urkel, don't your Parents feed you? 34 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,307 Not every day. 35 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:25,078 [clears sinuses] 36 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,247 Urkel, 37 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,481 Cut it out. 38 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,316 Sorry. 39 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,717 Just a little phlegm. 40 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,020 Anybody else hungry? 41 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,555 Not anymore. 42 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:38,192 Ooh, anchovy paste! 43 00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,128 I have to keep My blood sugar up. 44 00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:43,331 I haven't eaten Since breakfast. 45 00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,098 What about lunch? 46 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,269 Well, actually, I haven't eaten lunch. 47 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,703 Every day In the cafeteria, 48 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:53,341 I'm accosted by this bully Who takes all my money. 49 00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,008 So don't give it To him. 50 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,777 You don't know Bull wesson. 51 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,045 He'll rip off my face 52 00:02:58,111 --> 00:02:59,713 And add it To his collection... 53 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,951 Unless, of course, I had a big friend 54 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,419 To protect me, 55 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:08,222 A big, strapping kid 56 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,558 Who could Scare this guy away. 57 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:14,362 You know anybody Big like that, big guy? 58 00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:18,632 Oh, no. 59 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,901 There's no way that I'm going to be seen 60 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:21,969 Hanging around With you. 61 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:22,903 I'll pay you. 62 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:23,937 How much? 63 00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,807 10 bucks. 64 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:28,776 10 bucks, huh? 65 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,379 Okay, steve, I'll do it. 66 00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:33,381 Great! 67 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,416 Once bull sees That you're my bodyguard, 68 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,451 He'll leave me alone. 69 00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:39,753 Protecting one seventh grader From another-- 70 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:43,357 This is gonna be the easiest 10 bucks I ever made. 71 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:46,494 Great. I guess I'll go home And make myself a sandwich. 72 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,397 You haven't lived till You've had anchovy paste 73 00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,532 On a dog biscuit. 74 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,067 Heh heh. 75 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,569 [snort] 76 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,612 I've got an extra Red sock. 77 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,814 I got an extra Green one. 78 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,015 Close enough. 79 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,852 Carl can wear these For christmas. 80 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:14,955 Quick, Turn on the tv! 81 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:15,989 What's going on? 82 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,090 I'm on the news. 83 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,859 Hey, kids, Come on downstairs! 84 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,260 Channel 13. 85 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,062 The suspect was african.. 86 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,365 Hey, dad, What's up? 87 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,866 Dad's on The news. 88 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,835 So tell us what happened, Sergeant winslow. 89 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,971 Well, I went into the bank To get change for a dollar. 90 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:33,407 And then I noticed everybody Was standing like this. 91 00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:34,942 That's when you knew There was a holdup? 92 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,511 It was either that, or they Were playing simon says. 93 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:39,146 [both laughing] 94 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,749 So that's when you arrested The suspect for bank robbery? 95 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,517 No, for cutting in front Of me in the line. 96 00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,152 [both laughing] 97 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,587 He's funny, 98 00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:49,823 And I'm nick murphy Reporting for channel 13. 99 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,224 Hi, mama. 100 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,893 Hi, carl. 101 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,895 My son's a star. 102 00:04:56,997 --> 00:05:00,534 I hope the girls in my Canasta club were watching. 103 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,070 You look great On tv, dad. 104 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,373 Thanks. Channel 13 Thought so, too. 105 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,307 That's why they're Giving me a tryout 106 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,909 As their afternoon Traffic reporter. 107 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,678 Oh, that's great, carl! 108 00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,046 Hey, and if I do well On friday's four o'clock news, 109 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,248 The job is mine. 110 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,417 Wow! 111 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,518 Does that mean you're 112 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,453 Giving up being A police officer? 113 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,021 Well, no, mama. It's just a part-time thing 114 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,424 That somebody from The police department does. 115 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:25,826 This is exciting, Having dad on tv. 116 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:28,862 Yeah. It's just like When charlie brock's father 117 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,130 Was on television. 118 00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,599 It's hardly The same thing. 119 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,602 Charlie brock's Father was indicted. 120 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:38,972 You know, carl, the last traffic Officer on channel 13 was funny. 121 00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:41,475 Now, if you're going To replace officer bud, 122 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,512 You're gonna need some jokes and A new name. 123 00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,313 Well, what's wrong With carl? 124 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,181 I don't know. It just doesn't pop. 125 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,550 It doesn't sizzle. 126 00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:51,084 Carl doesn't Say traffic. 127 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,352 It says... 128 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:53,721 Farm report. 129 00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:59,593 Rachel, carl was my Great-grandfather's name. 130 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,895 And there's no way that I'm going to change it. 131 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:04,898 Your great-grandfather's Name was lester. 132 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,368 Carl was his horse. 133 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,977 I had my first allergy Attack when I was nine. 134 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,112 I was on the bus On the way to day camp 135 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,649 When all of a sudden my Eyes started to water, 136 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,017 And I started coughing Up all this green stuff, 137 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:26,854 Or was it yellow? 138 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,524 Mucus comes In so many colors. 139 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,360 Steve, 140 00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,228 I'm trying to eat. 141 00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,431 What did I say? 142 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,968 Look, this bully Is not going to show. 143 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,203 He probably saw me And got scared off. 144 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,038 Mission accomplished. 145 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,406 Pay up. 146 00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:48,809 Well, I guess it's okay. 147 00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:50,177 Here's 10 bucks. 148 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,311 Thanks, eddie. 149 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,746 What? 150 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,347 No tip? 151 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,850 Man, I watched You eat. 152 00:06:56,917 --> 00:07:00,954 Sorry. I tried to keep My mouth closed. 153 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,355 Hey, rod. 154 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,192 Want to hang With me this afternoon? 155 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,360 I'd rather eat dirt. 156 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,462 You should try sand. 157 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:11,064 It's a lot Less binding. 158 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,106 Hey, rat face! 159 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:22,843 Hi, bull. 160 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,812 What a pleasant Surprise. 161 00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,248 Gee, I'd love To schmooze, 162 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,850 But you caught me At a bad time. 163 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:33,754 Sit down. Give me my money. 164 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,924 I don't have it. 165 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,759 You don't have it? 166 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:39,893 Uh, no. 167 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,997 I want double Tomorrow. 168 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,733 And just to refresh My memory, 169 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,668 What happens If I don't pay? 170 00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,779 Oh, yeah. 171 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,754 It's all coming Back to me now. 172 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,191 See you tomorrow, Little four-eyed twerp. 173 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,030 Bull. 174 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,065 What? 175 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,902 Uh, I'm not Paying you anymore. 176 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,772 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. 177 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,345 What did you say? 178 00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:33,581 I'm not paying you. 179 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:41,321 No one has ever Said no to bull wesson 180 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,156 And lived. 181 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,191 No. 182 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:49,462 I'll see you here after School tomorrow, shrimp. 183 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,864 You pay me then, 184 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,232 Or we fight! 185 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,417 Urkel, you can't fight That guy, he's a psycho 186 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:11,719 He'll kill you. 187 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,222 I maybe small But I'm wiry. 188 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:18,659 He can give me his best punch And I can take it. 189 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,027 Okay, urk. 190 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,195 Ow. 191 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,165 I think you Broke my arm. 192 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,980 - mama. - uh-huh? 193 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,082 I don't know why anybody Would want my autograph. 194 00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,216 I'm not a tv star yet. 195 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,853 Oh, don't worry, son, You will be. 196 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,656 Ooh, joyce is Gonna love this. 197 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,223 She's gonna put It right next 198 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:53,060 To her autograph picture Of "Will it scar." 199 00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,199 Okay, carl, 200 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:02,102 Time to rehearse Tomorrow's traffic report. 201 00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,838 Well, rachel, I just thought I'd wing it, you know? 202 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,774 See, that's A big mistake. 203 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,742 You got to be Prepared. Here. 204 00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,010 I wrote some One-liners covering 205 00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:11,879 Every possible Traffic condition. 206 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,981 Rachel, carl has Enough to worry about. 207 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,582 He doesn't need Your help. 208 00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,250 Hey, I'm a professional Writer. 209 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,052 A couple of jokes Wouldn't hurt, harriette. 210 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,421 That's right, And this is funny stuff. 211 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,656 Listen. 212 00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:27,494 "There's an accident On the expressway. 213 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,096 "Paramedics are On the scene. 214 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,298 "And speaking of Medical personnel, 215 00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,667 "A guy walks into The doctor's office. 216 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,203 "The doctor says, I've got Good news and bad news. 217 00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:39,139 "The good news is you've Got 48 hours to live. 218 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,141 "The guy says, What's the bad news? 219 00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:44,544 "The doctor says, I forgot To call you yesterday." 220 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:47,748 [laughing] 221 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,125 What has that got To do with traffic? 222 00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:00,593 Look, harriette, I know what I'm doing. 223 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,162 Show business Is my life. 224 00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:03,530 Go ahead, carl, Try one. 225 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:04,564 Oh, okay. 226 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,999 Take the stage. 227 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:12,472 "There's a stalled car On the expressway, 228 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,241 "And it's smoking badly. 229 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,342 "And speaking of smoke, 230 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,911 "What do smokey the bear, Catherine the great, 231 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,013 "And billy the kid Have in common? 232 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,284 They all have the same Middle name--the." 233 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,287 [laughing] 234 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,428 Well, don't you get it, Harriette? 235 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:36,696 Yeah, I get it. 236 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,399 I just don't want it In my living room. 237 00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:50,310 Then urkel told bull he wasn't Gonna give him any more money. 238 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,212 Bull's going To kill him! 239 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,246 Come on. 240 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,647 Nobody's going To get hurt. 241 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,217 We're talking about Two seventh graders. 242 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,019 Yeah, but bull's been In the seventh grade 243 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,254 Since the carter Administration. 244 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,457 Get real. 245 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,493 No. I saw him, Eddie. 246 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,196 He's at least 17, And he's mean. 247 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,399 They don't call him bull because He works for merrill lynch. 248 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,737 You know, in A strange sort of way, 249 00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:20,073 I think I just Might miss urkel. 250 00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,444 Hi, guys. 251 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,346 Forget I said that. 252 00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:31,985 Laura, This is for you. 253 00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:35,355 I want you to have something To remember me by. 254 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,324 It's not alive, Is it? 255 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,725 No. It's a necklace. 256 00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:41,028 I was going to give it to You on our wedding night, 257 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,297 But it looks Like I'll be dead. 258 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,204 Urkel... 259 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,372 What is this? 260 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,974 My retainer. 261 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,244 I had it bronzed. 262 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,579 You see that little lump Right there in the front? 263 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,549 Well, it's a sesame seed. I never could dislodge it. 264 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,286 I'll treasure this. 265 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,789 Any chance I could Get a kiss goodbye? 266 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,226 Urkel, I'm wearing Your teeth. 267 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,428 That's enough. 268 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,365 Steve, you don't stand A chance against this guy. 269 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:22,002 I don't see what getting Beat up is gonna prove. 270 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:25,805 That's because you don't know What it's like being small. 271 00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,141 No one's ever Called you shrimp. 272 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,110 Big guys have Never played keep-away 273 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,712 With your hat On a cold day. 274 00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,247 During The class picture 275 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,084 You don't have to sit with The girls in the front row 276 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,652 And hold up The class sign. 277 00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:44,424 And most of all, you don't Have to deal with bullies. 278 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,459 I mean, I'm a fast Runner, eddie, 279 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,761 But sooner or later, 280 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,064 You just got To stop running. 281 00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:07,614 Dad, can I talk To you for a second? 282 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,050 Sure, son. What's on your mind? 283 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:13,020 Well, tomorrow after School, at leroy's, 284 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,989 Steve urkel's Going to get beat up. 285 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,891 What did he do? 286 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,492 Nothing. 287 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,361 There's just this big guy Who doesn't like him 288 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,630 And he keeps taking His lunch money. 289 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,066 Urkel finally decided To stand up to him. 290 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,769 So now you want To get involved? 291 00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:31,204 Dad, I don't know. 292 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,508 Is that the right Thing to do? 293 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,978 Well, it might be. 294 00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,046 Urkel doesn't strike me 295 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,248 As a guy who can Defend himself. 296 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,650 So you're saying that I should Step in? 297 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,252 Not necessarily. 298 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,887 So you're saying I should Let urkel fight his own fight? 299 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,990 I didn't say that. 300 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,891 Dad, is it me, 301 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,761 Or are you not Making any sense? 302 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:57,730 Son, look, It's very simple. 303 00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,199 You're dealing With a bully here. 304 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,768 And most bullies Are cowards at heart. 305 00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,971 That's why they Pick on little guys. 306 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,539 So if a big guy like yourself Stands up to a bully, 307 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,275 They usually back down. 308 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,443 So you're saying That if I just show up, 309 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:13,046 The guy might see me And chicken out? 310 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,115 I didn't say that. 311 00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:16,950 Dad, I don't get it. 312 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,886 I mean, should I Defend urkel or not? 313 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,621 Well, that depends. 314 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,655 On what? 315 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,024 On whether or not you believe 316 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,993 There are people out there Who should be protected 317 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,128 Because they can't Protect themselves. 318 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,264 Do you believe that? 319 00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:32,599 I sure do. 320 00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,968 That's why I became a cop. 321 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,803 Look, eddie, I know you came to me 322 00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,172 For a simple yes or no answer, 323 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,540 But I honestly Can't give you that 324 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,309 To tell you whether You should get involved 325 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,244 In somebody else's Fight or not. 326 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:48,015 That's a judgment call you're Gonna have to make on your own. 327 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,683 I just want to do the right Thing. 328 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,319 I know That you will. 329 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,626 There are chances Of dry showers 330 00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,294 Throughout The tri-state region. 331 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,264 Oh, oh, come on, guys! Come on, this is it! 332 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,633 Connie toyota Is doing the weather. 333 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,335 Traffic is next. 334 00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:12,139 I hope carl comes to his senses And dumps those stupid jokes. 335 00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:15,408 I'll pretend I didn't hear that. 336 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,010 I'm so excited. 337 00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,978 The last time I saw carl perform, 338 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:22,949 It was in A school play On dental hygiene. 339 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:26,253 He played Mr. Tooth decay. 340 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,599 Okay, we got 30 seconds to air, Carl, how you doing? 341 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:43,370 Just great. I got a million Traffic jokes. Wanna hear one? 342 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,038 Jokes? Didn't Anyone tell you 343 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,006 That's what got Officer bud fired? 344 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,375 What? But that's All I've got. 345 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,510 Here we go. We're ready. Let's clear the set. 346 00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:54,347 And in 5, 4, 3, 2... 347 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,449 And now with this Afternoon's traffic report, 348 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,186 Here's officer Carl winslow. 349 00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,526 Hi. 350 00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,595 I'm officer Carl winslow 351 00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:11,431 With the afternoon Traffic report. 352 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,666 Oh, and speaking Of traffic-- 353 00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,402 Ow! 354 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:16,603 Oh. 355 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,171 Sorry, connie. 356 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:23,410 Speaking of pain And suffering, 357 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,345 This guy asks his doctor 358 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,181 If he has 48 hours to live, 359 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,449 And his doctor says, 360 00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:31,784 "You should have Asked me yesterday." 361 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,922 That's not right. 362 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:37,224 He's dying. 363 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:42,895 That's because He's mangling my jokes. 364 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:46,833 Anybody mind If I change the channel? 365 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,335 Not yet. 366 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,936 Come on, carl. Just be yourself. 367 00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,404 I know you can do it. 368 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,940 Oh, oh, oh, I got it now. I got it now. 369 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,176 See, this doctor And his patient 370 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,710 Walk into this bar. 371 00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,412 Psst! 372 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:00,480 Hi. 373 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,081 Read this. 374 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,585 There's An overturned tanker 375 00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,720 On the stevenson expressway 376 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,088 Near cicero boulevard. 377 00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,790 Traffic is blocked In both directions. 378 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,425 If you're heading Into downtown, 379 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,361 Take the service road. 380 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,163 Wait a minute, you can't Take the service road. 381 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,697 They're repairing that. 382 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,834 If you take it, you'll Be stuck for a month. 383 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,406 Here's your Overturned tanker. 384 00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,409 Your best bet Is to get off at central, 385 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,678 Continue east Until you come to archer. 386 00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:33,446 You can't miss it 'cause right on the corner, 387 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,848 There's a don's doughnut shop, 388 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,318 And if you got a minute, Drop in. 389 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,753 They got The best crullers in town. 390 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:41,888 Way to go, Carl! 391 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,022 I knew you could do it 392 00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:44,957 If you'd just be yourself! 393 00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,727 That's my son. 394 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,362 While I got my pen out, 395 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:52,832 Let me show you a back way Into wrigley field. 396 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,110 Did all you people Come here 397 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,413 Just to see A blood bath? 398 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,515 That's why I'm here. What about you guys? 399 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:12,185 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 400 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:18,758 Steve, you can still Back out, you know. 401 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,728 No. I've Made up my mind. 402 00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:23,263 A man's got to do 403 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:26,466 What a man's Got to do. 404 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,901 Yeah, but what are You going to do? 405 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:45,318 Good afternoon, Bull. 406 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,687 You're looking Dapper as usual. 407 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,225 I'm going to give you One last chance, weasel. 408 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,428 Hand over the money. 409 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:58,765 Sorry, bull, but The bank is closed. 410 00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,867 Ooh. Ooh. 411 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,370 Okay. 412 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,071 Nice knowing you, Dweeb. 413 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:06,105 Oh! 414 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,774 Hold it! 415 00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:16,583 The fight's over, Bull. 416 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,451 This has nothing To do with you. 417 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:21,554 This is between me And the dork. 418 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,490 Butt out! 419 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,624 As long As eddie's here, 420 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,326 Let's be open To his input. 421 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:31,598 Bull, we all know That you're tough, man. 422 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:34,267 You don't have to Beat up urkel to prove it. 423 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,769 I mean, He's a small, defenseless, 424 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,538 Puny, pathetic, Weak, wimpy, scrawny-- 425 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:41,240 Uh, eddie, Eddie, eddie. 426 00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:43,242 I think you Made your point. 427 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:47,914 Okay... 428 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,083 He's off the hook, 429 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,452 But you, 430 00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:53,953 You're a dead man. 431 00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:54,821 Aah! Aah! Aah! 432 00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:55,955 Ohh! 433 00:20:57,023 --> 00:21:01,561 Ohh. Okay. 434 00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,365 Alright. 435 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,567 I'll leave him alone. 436 00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:10,437 Yeah! 437 00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,605 Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! 438 00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:13,740 Alright! 439 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:14,974 Wow! 440 00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,344 You saved my life, Eddie! 441 00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:19,412 Yeah, I did. 442 00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:21,213 That means We're best friends, 443 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,050 Buddies, pals, Amigos, goombahs! 444 00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:28,921 Steve, don't make me regret That I did this. 445 00:21:30,089 --> 00:21:32,992 Oh, eddie, You were wonderful. 446 00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:34,561 I'm proud of you, Eddie. 447 00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:37,029 Alright, everybody, Let's celebrate! 448 00:21:37,096 --> 00:21:38,531 Drinks on me! 449 00:21:38,598 --> 00:21:40,833 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! 450 00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,369 Whoo! Whoo! 451 00:21:45,572 --> 00:21:47,974 I love you crazy guys! 452 00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:54,381 Dad! 453 00:21:55,582 --> 00:21:57,550 What are you Doing here? 454 00:21:58,718 --> 00:22:02,321 Well, I was on my way home From the tv studio, 455 00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:05,257 And I decided To stop in 456 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,594 For a little snack. Coffee, please. 457 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:10,196 Yeah? So how did The traffic report go? 458 00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:11,464 Well, a little shaky At first, 459 00:22:11,531 --> 00:22:13,566 But I got the job. 460 00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:16,936 Great! Can you introduce me To connie toyota? 461 00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:20,206 Well, I'm not exactly On her good side 462 00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:21,541 At the moment. 463 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:24,477 So... 464 00:22:24,544 --> 00:22:26,679 Did anything interesting 465 00:22:26,746 --> 00:22:28,080 Happen around Here today? 466 00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:31,651 Dad, you came here 467 00:22:31,718 --> 00:22:33,520 To check up on me, Didn't you? 468 00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:35,988 You were worried About the fight. 469 00:22:36,055 --> 00:22:37,223 Fight? 470 00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:38,891 Was that today? 471 00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:42,562 Yeah, but I talked the bully Out of hitting urkel. 472 00:22:42,629 --> 00:22:45,532 Oh, he backed down Just like I said. 473 00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:48,267 No. He came after me. 474 00:22:48,334 --> 00:22:49,368 I had to fight him. 475 00:22:49,436 --> 00:22:50,470 Are you okay? 476 00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:51,804 Yeah, I'm fine. 477 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,973 In fact, I feel pretty good About myself. 478 00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:57,309 Well, son, 479 00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,678 I'm proud of you, 480 00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:00,913 But I don't Want you to think 481 00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:03,483 That fighting is Always the answer. 482 00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:04,817 Oh, I know that. 483 00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:06,853 But it really wasn't Much of a fight. 484 00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:08,688 I hit him once, And he went down. 485 00:23:08,755 --> 00:23:11,824 Oh, was it that famous Winslow punch I taught you? 486 00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:15,127 I don't know. I just closed My eyes and swung. 487 00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:16,696 That's the one. 33058

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