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1
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,506
Screwdriver?
2
00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:06,640
Screwdriver.
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:10,944
Pliers?
4
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,180
Pliers.
5
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,419
No, no, no, no,
Eject, eject, eject.
6
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,693
I found your problem.
7
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,132
Your shielded cable is crossed
With your power line.
8
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,966
But don't worry, I fixed it.
9
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,436
Alright, let her rip, carl.
10
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,673
[buzzing]
11
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,578
Did I do that?
12
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,458
* it's a rare condition *
13
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,227
* in this day and age *
14
00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:02,596
* to read any good news
On the newspaper page *
15
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:06,167
* and love and tradition
Of the grand design *
16
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:10,571
* some people say
Is even harder to find *
17
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:13,807
* well, then, there must be
Some magic clue *
18
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:17,845
* inside these gentle walls *
19
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,482
* 'cause all I see
Is a tower of dreams *
20
00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:25,286
* real love burstin'
Out of every seam *
21
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,390
* as days go by *
22
00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:33,261
* we're gonna fill our house
With happiness *
23
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:36,330
* the moon may cry *
24
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:40,067
* we're gonna smother the blues
With tenderness *
25
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:43,504
* as days go by *
26
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,239
* there's room for you *
27
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:46,840
* room for me *
28
00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:51,111
* for gentle hearts
An opportunity *
29
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:54,348
* as days go by *
30
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:58,552
* it's the bigger love
Of the family *
31
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,365
Hi, everybody.
32
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,935
Got anything
In the fridge?
33
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,305
Urkel, don't your
Parents feed you?
34
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,307
Not every day.
35
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:25,078
[clears sinuses]
36
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,247
Urkel,
37
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,481
Cut it out.
38
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,316
Sorry.
39
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,717
Just a little phlegm.
40
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,020
Anybody else hungry?
41
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,555
Not anymore.
42
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:38,192
Ooh, anchovy paste!
43
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,128
I have to keep
My blood sugar up.
44
00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:43,331
I haven't eaten
Since breakfast.
45
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,098
What about lunch?
46
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,269
Well, actually,
I haven't eaten lunch.
47
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,703
Every day
In the cafeteria,
48
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:53,341
I'm accosted by this bully
Who takes all my money.
49
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,008
So don't give it
To him.
50
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,777
You don't know
Bull wesson.
51
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,045
He'll rip off my face
52
00:02:58,111 --> 00:02:59,713
And add it
To his collection...
53
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,951
Unless, of course,
I had a big friend
54
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,419
To protect me,
55
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:08,222
A big, strapping kid
56
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,558
Who could
Scare this guy away.
57
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:14,362
You know anybody
Big like that, big guy?
58
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:18,632
Oh, no.
59
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,901
There's no way that
I'm going to be seen
60
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:21,969
Hanging around
With you.
61
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:22,903
I'll pay you.
62
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:23,937
How much?
63
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,807
10 bucks.
64
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:28,776
10 bucks, huh?
65
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,379
Okay, steve,
I'll do it.
66
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:33,381
Great!
67
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,416
Once bull sees
That you're my bodyguard,
68
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,451
He'll leave me alone.
69
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:39,753
Protecting one seventh grader
From another--
70
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:43,357
This is gonna be the easiest
10 bucks I ever made.
71
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:46,494
Great. I guess I'll go home
And make myself a sandwich.
72
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,397
You haven't lived till
You've had anchovy paste
73
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,532
On a dog biscuit.
74
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,067
Heh heh.
75
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,569
[snort]
76
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,612
I've got an extra
Red sock.
77
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,814
I got an extra
Green one.
78
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,015
Close enough.
79
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,852
Carl can wear these
For christmas.
80
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:14,955
Quick,
Turn on the tv!
81
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:15,989
What's going on?
82
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,090
I'm on the news.
83
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,859
Hey, kids,
Come on downstairs!
84
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,260
Channel 13.
85
00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,062
The suspect was african..
86
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,365
Hey, dad,
What's up?
87
00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,866
Dad's on
The news.
88
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,835
So tell us what happened,
Sergeant winslow.
89
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,971
Well, I went into the bank
To get change for a dollar.
90
00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:33,407
And then I noticed everybody
Was standing like this.
91
00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:34,942
That's when you knew
There was a holdup?
92
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,511
It was either that, or they
Were playing simon says.
93
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:39,146
[both laughing]
94
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,749
So that's when you arrested
The suspect for bank robbery?
95
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,517
No, for cutting in front
Of me in the line.
96
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,152
[both laughing]
97
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,587
He's funny,
98
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:49,823
And I'm nick murphy
Reporting for channel 13.
99
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,224
Hi, mama.
100
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,893
Hi, carl.
101
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,895
My son's a star.
102
00:04:56,997 --> 00:05:00,534
I hope the girls in my
Canasta club were watching.
103
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,070
You look great
On tv, dad.
104
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,373
Thanks. Channel 13
Thought so, too.
105
00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,307
That's why they're
Giving me a tryout
106
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,909
As their afternoon
Traffic reporter.
107
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,678
Oh, that's great, carl!
108
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,046
Hey, and if I do well
On friday's four o'clock news,
109
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,248
The job is mine.
110
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,417
Wow!
111
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,518
Does that mean you're
112
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,453
Giving up being
A police officer?
113
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,021
Well, no, mama.
It's just a part-time thing
114
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,424
That somebody from
The police department does.
115
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:25,826
This is exciting,
Having dad on tv.
116
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:28,862
Yeah. It's just like
When charlie brock's father
117
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,130
Was on television.
118
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,599
It's hardly
The same thing.
119
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,602
Charlie brock's
Father was indicted.
120
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:38,972
You know, carl, the last traffic
Officer on channel 13 was funny.
121
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:41,475
Now, if you're going
To replace officer bud,
122
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,512
You're gonna need some jokes and
A new name.
123
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,313
Well, what's wrong
With carl?
124
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,181
I don't know.
It just doesn't pop.
125
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,550
It doesn't sizzle.
126
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:51,084
Carl doesn't
Say traffic.
127
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,352
It says...
128
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:53,721
Farm report.
129
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:59,593
Rachel, carl was my
Great-grandfather's name.
130
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,895
And there's no way that
I'm going to change it.
131
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:04,898
Your great-grandfather's
Name was lester.
132
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,368
Carl was his horse.
133
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,977
I had my first allergy
Attack when I was nine.
134
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,112
I was on the bus
On the way to day camp
135
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:21,649
When all of a sudden my
Eyes started to water,
136
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,017
And I started coughing
Up all this green stuff,
137
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:26,854
Or was it yellow?
138
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,524
Mucus comes
In so many colors.
139
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,360
Steve,
140
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,228
I'm trying to eat.
141
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,431
What did I say?
142
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,968
Look, this bully
Is not going to show.
143
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,203
He probably saw me
And got scared off.
144
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,038
Mission accomplished.
145
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,406
Pay up.
146
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:48,809
Well,
I guess it's okay.
147
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:50,177
Here's 10 bucks.
148
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,311
Thanks, eddie.
149
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,746
What?
150
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,347
No tip?
151
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,850
Man, I watched
You eat.
152
00:06:56,917 --> 00:07:00,954
Sorry. I tried to keep
My mouth closed.
153
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,355
Hey, rod.
154
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,192
Want to hang
With me this afternoon?
155
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,360
I'd rather eat dirt.
156
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,462
You should try sand.
157
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:11,064
It's a lot
Less binding.
158
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,106
Hey, rat face!
159
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:22,843
Hi, bull.
160
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,812
What a pleasant
Surprise.
161
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,248
Gee, I'd love
To schmooze,
162
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,850
But you caught me
At a bad time.
163
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:33,754
Sit down.
Give me my money.
164
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,924
I don't have it.
165
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,759
You don't have it?
166
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:39,893
Uh, no.
167
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,997
I want double
Tomorrow.
168
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,733
And just to refresh
My memory,
169
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,668
What happens
If I don't pay?
170
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,779
Oh, yeah.
171
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,754
It's all coming
Back to me now.
172
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,191
See you tomorrow,
Little four-eyed twerp.
173
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,030
Bull.
174
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,065
What?
175
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,902
Uh, I'm not
Paying you anymore.
176
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,772
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
177
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,345
What did you say?
178
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:33,581
I'm not paying you.
179
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:41,321
No one has ever
Said no to bull wesson
180
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,156
And lived.
181
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,191
No.
182
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:49,462
I'll see you here after
School tomorrow, shrimp.
183
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,864
You pay me then,
184
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,232
Or we fight!
185
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,417
Urkel, you can't fight
That guy, he's a psycho
186
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:11,719
He'll kill you.
187
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,222
I maybe small
But I'm wiry.
188
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:18,659
He can give me his best punch
And I can take it.
189
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,027
Okay, urk.
190
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,195
Ow.
191
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,165
I think you
Broke my arm.
192
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,980
- mama.
- uh-huh?
193
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,082
I don't know why anybody
Would want my autograph.
194
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,216
I'm not a tv star yet.
195
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,853
Oh, don't worry, son,
You will be.
196
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,656
Ooh, joyce is
Gonna love this.
197
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,223
She's gonna put
It right next
198
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:53,060
To her autograph picture
Of "Will it scar."
199
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,199
Okay, carl,
200
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:02,102
Time to rehearse
Tomorrow's traffic report.
201
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,838
Well, rachel, I just thought
I'd wing it, you know?
202
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,774
See, that's
A big mistake.
203
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,742
You got to be
Prepared. Here.
204
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,010
I wrote some
One-liners covering
205
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:11,879
Every possible
Traffic condition.
206
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,981
Rachel, carl has
Enough to worry about.
207
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,582
He doesn't need
Your help.
208
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,250
Hey, I'm a professional
Writer.
209
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,052
A couple of jokes
Wouldn't hurt, harriette.
210
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,421
That's right,
And this is funny stuff.
211
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,656
Listen.
212
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:27,494
"There's an accident
On the expressway.
213
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,096
"Paramedics are
On the scene.
214
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,298
"And speaking of
Medical personnel,
215
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,667
"A guy walks into
The doctor's office.
216
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,203
"The doctor says, I've got
Good news and bad news.
217
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:39,139
"The good news is you've
Got 48 hours to live.
218
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,141
"The guy says,
What's the bad news?
219
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:44,544
"The doctor says, I forgot
To call you yesterday."
220
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:47,748
[laughing]
221
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,125
What has that got
To do with traffic?
222
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:00,593
Look, harriette,
I know what I'm doing.
223
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,162
Show business
Is my life.
224
00:11:02,229 --> 00:11:03,530
Go ahead, carl,
Try one.
225
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:04,564
Oh, okay.
226
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,999
Take the stage.
227
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:12,472
"There's a stalled car
On the expressway,
228
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,241
"And it's smoking badly.
229
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,342
"And speaking of smoke,
230
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,911
"What do smokey the bear,
Catherine the great,
231
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,013
"And billy the kid
Have in common?
232
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,284
They all have the same
Middle name--the."
233
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,287
[laughing]
234
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,428
Well, don't you get it,
Harriette?
235
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:36,696
Yeah, I get it.
236
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,399
I just don't want it
In my living room.
237
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:50,310
Then urkel told bull he wasn't
Gonna give him any more money.
238
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,212
Bull's going
To kill him!
239
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,246
Come on.
240
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,647
Nobody's going
To get hurt.
241
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,217
We're talking about
Two seventh graders.
242
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,019
Yeah, but bull's been
In the seventh grade
243
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,254
Since the carter
Administration.
244
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,457
Get real.
245
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,493
No. I saw him,
Eddie.
246
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,196
He's at least 17,
And he's mean.
247
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,399
They don't call him bull because
He works for merrill lynch.
248
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,737
You know, in
A strange sort of way,
249
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:20,073
I think I just
Might miss urkel.
250
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,444
Hi, guys.
251
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,346
Forget I said that.
252
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:31,985
Laura,
This is for you.
253
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:35,355
I want you to have something
To remember me by.
254
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,324
It's not alive,
Is it?
255
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,725
No. It's a necklace.
256
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:41,028
I was going to give it to
You on our wedding night,
257
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,297
But it looks
Like I'll be dead.
258
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,204
Urkel...
259
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,372
What is this?
260
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,974
My retainer.
261
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,244
I had it bronzed.
262
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,579
You see that little lump
Right there in the front?
263
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,549
Well, it's a sesame seed.
I never could dislodge it.
264
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,286
I'll treasure this.
265
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,789
Any chance I could
Get a kiss goodbye?
266
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,226
Urkel, I'm wearing
Your teeth.
267
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,428
That's enough.
268
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,365
Steve, you don't stand
A chance against this guy.
269
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:22,002
I don't see what getting
Beat up is gonna prove.
270
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:25,805
That's because you don't know
What it's like being small.
271
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,141
No one's ever
Called you shrimp.
272
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,110
Big guys have
Never played keep-away
273
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,712
With your hat
On a cold day.
274
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,247
During
The class picture
275
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,084
You don't have to sit with
The girls in the front row
276
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,652
And hold up
The class sign.
277
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:44,424
And most of all, you don't
Have to deal with bullies.
278
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,459
I mean, I'm a fast
Runner, eddie,
279
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,761
But sooner or later,
280
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,064
You just got
To stop running.
281
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:07,614
Dad, can I talk
To you for a second?
282
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,050
Sure, son.
What's on your mind?
283
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:13,020
Well, tomorrow after
School, at leroy's,
284
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,989
Steve urkel's
Going to get beat up.
285
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,891
What did he do?
286
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,492
Nothing.
287
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,361
There's just this big guy
Who doesn't like him
288
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,630
And he keeps taking
His lunch money.
289
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,066
Urkel finally decided
To stand up to him.
290
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,769
So now you want
To get involved?
291
00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:31,204
Dad, I don't know.
292
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,508
Is that the right
Thing to do?
293
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,978
Well, it might be.
294
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,046
Urkel doesn't strike me
295
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,248
As a guy who can
Defend himself.
296
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,650
So you're saying that I should
Step in?
297
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,252
Not necessarily.
298
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,887
So you're saying I should
Let urkel fight his own fight?
299
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,990
I didn't say that.
300
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,891
Dad, is it me,
301
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,761
Or are you not
Making any sense?
302
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:57,730
Son, look,
It's very simple.
303
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,199
You're dealing
With a bully here.
304
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,768
And most bullies
Are cowards at heart.
305
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,971
That's why they
Pick on little guys.
306
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,539
So if a big guy like yourself
Stands up to a bully,
307
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,275
They usually back down.
308
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,443
So you're saying
That if I just show up,
309
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:13,046
The guy might see me
And chicken out?
310
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,115
I didn't say that.
311
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:16,950
Dad, I don't get it.
312
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,886
I mean, should I
Defend urkel or not?
313
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,621
Well, that depends.
314
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,655
On what?
315
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,024
On whether or not you believe
316
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,993
There are people out there
Who should be protected
317
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,128
Because they can't
Protect themselves.
318
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:31,264
Do you believe that?
319
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:32,599
I sure do.
320
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,968
That's why I became a cop.
321
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,803
Look, eddie,
I know you came to me
322
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,172
For a simple yes or no answer,
323
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,540
But I honestly
Can't give you that
324
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,309
To tell you whether
You should get involved
325
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,244
In somebody else's
Fight or not.
326
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:48,015
That's a judgment call you're
Gonna have to make on your own.
327
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,683
I just want to do the right
Thing.
328
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,319
I know
That you will.
329
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,626
There are chances
Of dry showers
330
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,294
Throughout
The tri-state region.
331
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,264
Oh, oh, come on, guys!
Come on, this is it!
332
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,633
Connie toyota
Is doing the weather.
333
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,335
Traffic is next.
334
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:12,139
I hope carl comes to his senses
And dumps those stupid jokes.
335
00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:15,408
I'll pretend
I didn't hear that.
336
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,010
I'm so excited.
337
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,978
The last time
I saw carl perform,
338
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:22,949
It was in
A school play
On dental hygiene.
339
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:26,253
He played
Mr. Tooth decay.
340
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,599
Okay, we got 30 seconds to air,
Carl, how you doing?
341
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:43,370
Just great. I got a million
Traffic jokes. Wanna hear one?
342
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,038
Jokes? Didn't
Anyone tell you
343
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,006
That's what got
Officer bud fired?
344
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,375
What? But that's
All I've got.
345
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,510
Here we go. We're ready.
Let's clear the set.
346
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:54,347
And in 5, 4, 3, 2...
347
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,449
And now with this
Afternoon's traffic report,
348
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,186
Here's officer
Carl winslow.
349
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,526
Hi.
350
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,595
I'm officer
Carl winslow
351
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:11,431
With the afternoon
Traffic report.
352
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,666
Oh, and speaking
Of traffic--
353
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,402
Ow!
354
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:16,603
Oh.
355
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,171
Sorry, connie.
356
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:23,410
Speaking of pain
And suffering,
357
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,345
This guy asks his doctor
358
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,181
If he has
48 hours to live,
359
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,449
And his doctor says,
360
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:31,784
"You should have
Asked me yesterday."
361
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,922
That's not right.
362
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:37,224
He's dying.
363
00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:42,895
That's because
He's mangling my jokes.
364
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:46,833
Anybody mind
If I change the channel?
365
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,335
Not yet.
366
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,936
Come on, carl.
Just be yourself.
367
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,404
I know you can do it.
368
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,940
Oh, oh, oh, I got it now.
I got it now.
369
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,176
See, this doctor
And his patient
370
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,710
Walk into this bar.
371
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,412
Psst!
372
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:00,480
Hi.
373
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,081
Read this.
374
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,585
There's
An overturned tanker
375
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,720
On the stevenson expressway
376
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,088
Near cicero boulevard.
377
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,790
Traffic is blocked
In both directions.
378
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,425
If you're heading
Into downtown,
379
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,361
Take the service road.
380
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,163
Wait a minute, you can't
Take the service road.
381
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,697
They're repairing that.
382
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,834
If you take it, you'll
Be stuck for a month.
383
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,406
Here's your
Overturned tanker.
384
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,409
Your best bet
Is to get off at central,
385
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,678
Continue east
Until you come to archer.
386
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:33,446
You can't miss it
'cause right on the corner,
387
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,848
There's a don's doughnut shop,
388
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,318
And if you got a minute,
Drop in.
389
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,753
They got
The best crullers in town.
390
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:41,888
Way to go,
Carl!
391
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,022
I knew you could do it
392
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:44,957
If you'd just be yourself!
393
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,727
That's my son.
394
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,362
While I got my pen out,
395
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:52,832
Let me show you a back way
Into wrigley field.
396
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,110
Did all you people
Come here
397
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,413
Just to see
A blood bath?
398
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,515
That's why I'm here.
What about you guys?
399
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:12,185
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
400
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:18,758
Steve, you can still
Back out, you know.
401
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,728
No. I've
Made up my mind.
402
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:23,263
A man's got to do
403
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:26,466
What a man's
Got to do.
404
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,901
Yeah, but what are
You going to do?
405
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:45,318
Good afternoon,
Bull.
406
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,687
You're looking
Dapper as usual.
407
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,225
I'm going to give you
One last chance, weasel.
408
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,428
Hand over the money.
409
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:58,765
Sorry, bull, but
The bank is closed.
410
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,867
Ooh.
Ooh.
411
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,370
Okay.
412
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,071
Nice knowing you,
Dweeb.
413
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:06,105
Oh!
414
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,774
Hold it!
415
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:16,583
The fight's over,
Bull.
416
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,451
This has nothing
To do with you.
417
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:21,554
This is between me
And the dork.
418
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,490
Butt out!
419
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,624
As long
As eddie's here,
420
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,326
Let's be open
To his input.
421
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:31,598
Bull, we all know
That you're tough, man.
422
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:34,267
You don't have to
Beat up urkel to prove it.
423
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,769
I mean,
He's a small, defenseless,
424
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,538
Puny, pathetic,
Weak, wimpy, scrawny--
425
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:41,240
Uh, eddie,
Eddie, eddie.
426
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:43,242
I think you
Made your point.
427
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:47,914
Okay...
428
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,083
He's off the hook,
429
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,452
But you,
430
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:53,953
You're a dead man.
431
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:54,821
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
432
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:55,955
Ohh!
433
00:20:57,023 --> 00:21:01,561
Ohh. Okay.
434
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,365
Alright.
435
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,567
I'll leave him alone.
436
00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:10,437
Yeah!
437
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,605
Yeah!
Whoo!
Whoo!
438
00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:13,740
Alright!
439
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:14,974
Wow!
440
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,344
You saved my life,
Eddie!
441
00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:19,412
Yeah, I did.
442
00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:21,213
That means
We're best friends,
443
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,050
Buddies, pals,
Amigos, goombahs!
444
00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:28,921
Steve, don't make me regret
That I did this.
445
00:21:30,089 --> 00:21:32,992
Oh, eddie,
You were wonderful.
446
00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:34,561
I'm proud of you,
Eddie.
447
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:37,029
Alright, everybody,
Let's celebrate!
448
00:21:37,096 --> 00:21:38,531
Drinks on me!
449
00:21:38,598 --> 00:21:40,833
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
450
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,369
Whoo!
Whoo!
451
00:21:45,572 --> 00:21:47,974
I love you crazy guys!
452
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:54,381
Dad!
453
00:21:55,582 --> 00:21:57,550
What are you
Doing here?
454
00:21:58,718 --> 00:22:02,321
Well, I was on my way home
From the tv studio,
455
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:05,257
And I decided
To stop in
456
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,594
For a little snack.
Coffee, please.
457
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:10,196
Yeah? So how did
The traffic report go?
458
00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:11,464
Well, a little shaky
At first,
459
00:22:11,531 --> 00:22:13,566
But I got the job.
460
00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:16,936
Great! Can you introduce me
To connie toyota?
461
00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:20,206
Well, I'm not exactly
On her good side
462
00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:21,541
At the moment.
463
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:24,477
So...
464
00:22:24,544 --> 00:22:26,679
Did anything interesting
465
00:22:26,746 --> 00:22:28,080
Happen around
Here today?
466
00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:31,651
Dad, you came here
467
00:22:31,718 --> 00:22:33,520
To check up on me,
Didn't you?
468
00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:35,988
You were worried
About the fight.
469
00:22:36,055 --> 00:22:37,223
Fight?
470
00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:38,891
Was that today?
471
00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:42,562
Yeah, but I talked the bully
Out of hitting urkel.
472
00:22:42,629 --> 00:22:45,532
Oh, he backed down
Just like I said.
473
00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:48,267
No. He came after me.
474
00:22:48,334 --> 00:22:49,368
I had to fight him.
475
00:22:49,436 --> 00:22:50,470
Are you okay?
476
00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:51,804
Yeah, I'm fine.
477
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,973
In fact, I feel pretty good
About myself.
478
00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:57,309
Well, son,
479
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,678
I'm proud of you,
480
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:00,913
But I don't
Want you to think
481
00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:03,483
That fighting is
Always the answer.
482
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:04,817
Oh, I know that.
483
00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:06,853
But it really wasn't
Much of a fight.
484
00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:08,688
I hit him once,
And he went down.
485
00:23:08,755 --> 00:23:11,824
Oh, was it that famous
Winslow punch I taught you?
486
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:15,127
I don't know. I just closed
My eyes and swung.
487
00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:16,696
That's the one.
33058
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