All language subtitles for remux-Til.Death.S01E21.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ_track3_[eng]

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I think you should
give a girl

a small ring or...

Well, it's depending
on how much money you have.

It just needs to be
bigger than all
my other friend's rings.

I think that you should
get a girl a big ring

because if you ever
get in a fight,

you could just say,

"Hey, I got you this big ring,
so back off."

* All right!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

EDDIE: Come on, Joy.
Hurry up.

He's going to be here
any minute.

Eddie, Webbie comes back
to Philly every year,

and each time
you see him,

you act like you're about
to lose your virginity.

Joy, let me tell you,
Webbie is a lot more fun

than something that happened
in the back of my uncle's van.

He's untamed.
He's unwed.

He has no responsibilities.

Do you know that
he's a ski instructor

every winter in Aspen?

And in the summer,

he can pick
what island he wants
to bartend on, huh?

I know. He's the James Bond
of unemployed middle-aged men.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

He's here!

How are my bangs?

Webbie!

Eddie!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

The Web man.

Spinnin' his web.

Charlotte's Webbie.

Mister Ed,
Eddie Munster,

Ed Asner.

Spud Webb,
World Wide Webbie,

little black sitcom kid
known as Webster!

Ah, Joy.

Joy to the world,
Joy Luck Club.

Okay. We're all 40.

* Ooh, ooh

So, I'm in this bar
in Buffalo.

How in the world
do you end up
in Buffalo?

Well, I was ice-fishing
on Lake Erie,

and I got a hankering
for some wings.

Anyway, somebody
breaks out the darts.

No, they didn't.

Did you know that Webbie is
a dart-throwing champion?

I know.

Long story short,
three hours later,
I own the bar.

You own a bar in Buffalo?

Wow. Webbie owns
a bar now.

I'm in the room.

Well, for 15 minutes, I did.

The owner won it back
from me on a bet.

It turns out
he really did have
three testicles.

I love that.

You know, Webbie,
you are the only guy

that could tell
that story at dinner

and still make it
charming.

Oh, I don't know, Joy.

You've told some
pretty charming stories, too.

Like the one about you
throwing up that daiquiri

and it was still cold.

Yeah. Brain freeze
coming and going.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh.

Webbie.

Count me in.

Hey, rain-check me
on that famous
chocolate pudding, Joy.

Oh, no.
A guy I met on the plane

just invited me
to an underground
Cuban cigar club

in the hull of a ship.

I'll see you tomorrow, guy.

All right, my brother.

Let me know
how this goes.
All right.

All right. Wow.

There goes the guy.

Damn it, is that a guy!

He sure knows
how to live, huh?

Yeah.

I don't think
Webbie's happy.

What?

Yeah.
All the adventures
and all the women.

I mean, at some point,
you got to feel
sorry for the guy, right?

I mean, it's like
he's running from something.

Um, I think
he's running
to something.

The hull of a ship
with cigar-smokin'
Russian models.

Yeah. I don't think
he mentioned Russian models.

He didn't?

Oh, I think
that's just something
I added in my head.

But still, you know, he...

I think he's lonely.

I mean,
people crave
companionship,

and Webbie doesn't
have that.

Well, didn't you
hear him earlier?

He had two companionships
last week,

and they overlapped.

That's not happiness.

I'm pretty sure it is.

Listen, you know,
I think I know
what's going on here, Joy.

Oh, really? What?
Yeah,
I'll tell you what it is.

You just hate the fact
that a man could be happy
outside of a marriage.

No, I do not.

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

You see, because
he is out there in the jungle
swingin' free,

and it threatens you.

Because you figure,
well, if he could be
genuinely happy,

then what the hell
am I doing

locked up here
in the zoo, right?

Okay. When have I ever
locked you up?

You never leave the house.

I'm just saying
that Webbie's never had
the kind of intimacy

that comes with
a long-term relationship.

All right, look.
Don't take this wrong, Joy,

but the worst five minutes
of Webbie's day

would be, like,
the highlight of my year.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm going to
set him up with someone.

Do not say Janet.

What's wrong with Janet?

Other than the hump?

It is not a hump.

It is a growth,
it is harmless,

and it is mostly fluid.

Well, hell,
in that case, I want her.

She's a great person
once you get to know her.

Oh, she's a great person, huh?

I can't bring that
to Webbie.

You got to give me somethin'
to work with.

What do you mean,
like perky breasts?

Okay. Perky would
get her a lunch, yeah.

Perky.

Oh, I got it. Denise.

Oh, okay. I don't even know
who Denise is, but no.

Why not?

Well, how great
can Denise be?

She wasn't even
your first choice.

She is new in my office.

She's 35, great-looking,
never been married...

Oh, yeah. Nice. Thirty-five
and never been married.

What the hell's
wrong with her?

(SCOFFS)

Okay. Webbie's never
been married,

and you think
the guy should be
an action figure.

Have you been looking
at my sketch pad?

She's great.
I'm doing this.

No. no. I did not want
to have to play this card,
but I'm going to.

I forbid you to call her.

Hey, Denise. It's Joy.

I forbid you!

Yeah. How's it going?

Forbid you!

Yeah, that's Eddie.

He's forbidding me
to call you.

Okay, just so you know,

the amusement park
is closed.

(INAUDIBLE)

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Steph, were you
cutting your nails in bed?

STEPH: I don't cut them.
I bite them.

Thanks for clearing that up.

What do you think
of my new blouse?

That's, uh...
That's cute.

You hate it.

No, I don't.
I just said to you
it's cute.

Cute is what you say
when you hate something.

Well, then
that's really cute.

I can't believe you.

This is, like, the best shirt
I've ever owned.

Honey, if you were
holding a sword,

you could be
on a playing card.

Everyone in the store
said it looked great.

Hey, baby, look.

I could have taken
the easy way out here.

I could have lied
and said you look fantastic

and just let you walk
right out that door,

but I love you
too much to do that.

So, as uncomfortable
as this may be,

I'm going to be honest
with you.

God! That's so ugly!

It's amazing. Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Joy.

Oh, who's your, uh...
Who's your friend?

Oh, my friend is Denise.

Yeah. Hey, Denise, hi.

Fantastic. Come over here.

So this is
the famous Denise?

Yeah, well, nice try.
She is not Webbie's type.

Yeah?
Her breasts are real,

and she used to be
a gymnast.

Are you serious?

I'm Webbie.

Denise. I work with Joy.

Denise loves to travel.

Wow.
And she's a terrific skier.

And, um,
she used to date women.

Hello.

Just when I was modeling.

You know,
you're in Paris,

you share a room
with five girls,
one shower.

Boring.

Oh, I love this game.
Check this out.

If you press the triangle
and pull down both triggers,

you can make
Derek Jeter spit.

Son of a bitch,
that's cool.

If you want to see
Jeter really spit,

I have an extra seat
to the Yankees' season opener.

I'd love to go.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Ooh, sounds like a date.

But you said
you were taking me to
the game, Webbie.

Oh, well, sorry, champ.
I only got two ducats,

and the lady has
a nicer smile.

Well, I can get
whitening strips.

* Ooh, ooh

EDDIE: Trust me,
Webbie's thing with Denise
is not going to last.

He's a free spirit.

He's not going to settle down
in the burbs with
little Miss Real Breasts.

Oh, I hate to
break it to you,

but he's been spending
so much time
at her apartment,

she gave him a drawer.

A drawer?

That's right.

Well, what kind of a drawer?
Like a big,
deep sweater drawer

or just a little
skinny one on top?

All I know is
he's got stuff
at her place.

They're a couple, Eddie.
Deal with it.

I cannot.

In fact, you want to
see Webbie so badly?

Watch this.

Oh, look, don't even bother.
I just tried him three times.

I'm not calling Webbie.

Hey, Denise. It's me.

Listen, we're going to
go to dinner tonight

with our neighbors
Steph and Jeff,

and want to know
if you guys want to go.

Great. Austin's Grill, 8:00.

Okay. Bye.

You will see
your beloved Webbie
tonight at 8:00,

and Denise told me
that he says hi.

That's right.
You talk through
the ladies now.

You just had to do it,
didn't you?

You see
a magnificent creature

running free and wild
on the savanna,

and you have to
shoot it with a dart

and drag it into a cage
and give it a drawer.

Well, you know what?
Webbie's not happy.

He can't live
in captivity.

He'll die.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh

STEPH: Jeff, hurry up.

If we're late for dinner,
Eddie will
order for us again,

and he always gets me
some sort of
grilled baby animal.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa! Whoa!

What are you wearing?

My new blouse.

Steph.

I thought we agreed
you'd return that to the store

or to the crew of
the Starship Enterprise.

For your information,
I went back to the store
and put it on again,

and four new people
loved it,

including the security guard,
who said it was so me.

Oh. Oh.
The security guard.

Well, he is very,
very stylish.

One clomping orthopedic shoe
and a whistle.

Jeff, I can't believe
how mean you're being.

When you grew that
silly mustache last year,

I was completely supportive.

You didn't like
the 'stache?

Um, for the first
three months,

I didn't even know
it was a mustache.

Okay. Okay, freak shirt,

all right,
gloves are off here.

"Freak shirt"?

I fought three women
for this shirt.

Three of them, huh?

Were they all
pregnant clowns?

Check this out.

(SIGHS)

That's right.

Say hello to
a whole lot of handsome.

What?

I have a mustache.

I've seen more hair on fruit.

I look like Tom Selleck.

At age 12.

You were great
in the Thriller video,
by the way.

My nana called,
and she wants
her mustache back.

* Oh, oh, oh!

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Thank you.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh.

Okay.

Eddie.
Yeah?

Do you mind
if I sit next to Denise?

I thought we were going
to go boy, boy, girl, girl,

because that seems
to make the most sense,

but whatever. Okay.

(CLEARING THROAT)

It's great to see you guys.
Yeah.

Webbie, you clean up nice.

Long pants, socks.

Denise got 'em for me.

I'm wearing
underwear, too.

It's comforting.

Feels like I'm getting
a tiny, little hug down there.

So, Denise, are you the one

that Joy keeps
telling me about,

the one at work
who keeps
clogging the toilet?

That wasn't me.

Oh. Oh, 'cause you seem
like a toilet-clogger.

Ooh, look, they have
spinach salad.

Ooh, that sounds good.
Yeah.

Salad?

They went to all the trouble
to kill these cows.

I think the least
we can do is eat 'em.

Actually, Bill asked me
to help him
watch his calories.

Who's Bill?

I am.

Bill Webster.

Oh, yeah. I know.
I know. I knew that.

I met his family.
Have you met his family?

Yes.
You have?

Mmm-hmm.

They're nice, right?

Hey!
Here's Steph and Jeff.

Oh.
Come here, you guys.

This is the famous Webbie,
and Denise.

Hello.
Very nice to meet you.

This is Jeff and Steph.

Steph, that top is so fun.

Thank you, Joy.

You know what else is fun?
Pogo sticks.

You don't wear 'em, though.

What's happening
to your lip?

A mustache.

Filled in
with some of my mascara.

So, uh, Webbie,

you and Denise,
you seem to be
keeping busy.

Oh, we had a blast today.
Yeah.

We went pillow shopping.

Oh, God.
That sounds fun.

Well, tell them what happened.
Actually, it's a funny story.

We get to the store,
and the parking lot
is a nightmare.

So we're circling
and circling,

and then I spot a guy
headed for his car.

So I start following him
for, like, five minutes.

Turns out,

he's just getting something
out of his trunk.

That's common.

That's the worst story
I ever heard.

It's...
It's not even a story.

It's called
looking for parking.

Well, maybe
you had to be there.

Had to be there?

No one had to be there.
Nothing happened.

Who keeps kicking me?

Anyway, I...
I got a good firm pillow.

There's no way
I'm spending the summer

on those puffy,
girlie pillows Denise has.

Oh, did you hear that?

He's going to be
sleeping on Denise's pillows
this summer.

You know what?
I think it's great

you went pillow shopping
as a couple.

Otherwise, who knows
what kind of
freaky, ugly thing

your woman was going
to come home with?
Am I right?

JEFF: Huh?

I'm a freak?

You look like
you deliver baguettes
in the morning.

That's pretty funny there,
Sergeant Pepper.

Oh, what's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?

Or did the words
come out of your mouth,

see your shirt,
get scared,
and then run away?

Oh. baby, I'm sorry. No.

Come on, don't cry.
You know that
when you cry, I cry.

I just thought
this was a great shirt
and you loved me,

but obviously you're
not attracted to me,

and you wish
you were married
to somebody else.

No!

JEFF: (CRYING)
Baby, come on.

I love your shirt
because you're in it.

And I love
your fuzzy face.

Yeah?

Look at you.
Your mascara's running.

So is yours.

Come on.
Let's go clean you up.

STEPH: Excuse us.

Actually, I could use
a little freshening up
myself.

I'll go with you.

Yeah. Excuse us.
It's what we do.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay, excuse us.
Sorry.

Isn't Denise great?

I never thought
I would like stuff

like crossword puzzles
and grocery shopping,

but with her, even the--
even the small stuff is fun.

Yesterday, she showed me
how to pick out a melon.

Tap, tap, shake.

Tap, tap, shake.

This isn't
how we talk about melons.

(STUTTERING)

What's happening
to you, Webbie?

Is she holding you
against your will?

Okay, okay.
You don't have to
say out loud.

Just blink twice.

You're too scared to blink,
aren't you?

Eddie, I'm happy
with Denise.

Yeah. Sure you are.

Is she giving you vitamins
in the morning?

Because they may not
be vitamins!

I'm serious.
I started looking back
on my life,

and you know what it is?

Man-tastic.

Yes, but that's all it is.

I mean, suddenly,
the travel, the bar fights,
the menage a troises...

They all just...
They seem hollow.

You shut up!

I'm sorry, Eddie.

This is what
makes me happy.

Well, that's just selfish.

* Oh, oh

* Yow!

* Ooh, ooh, ooh

They have a pineapple mojito
here that is...

Oh, my God!

Help me.

Excuse me?

Webbie is driving me nuts.

What?
It's just everything.

He's just so needy
and clingy and suffocating.

He dragged me
pillow shopping,

and then he's all,
"Can I have a drawer
for my things?"

Finally I gave him
one of those little
skinny ones on top

just to shut him up.

I thought you were
bringing me a man,

not a neutered house cat.

Well, but...

But Webbie's great.
He's wild.

Yeah, he really tore
the roof off
Linens 'n Things.

I'm going to
go back out there

with a smile on my face,

but this evening
has got to end soon.

If you order dessert,
I will kill you.

All right.

Well, that was
an interesting evening.

Yeah.
All right, just say it.

They're happy. You win.

Yep.

Webbie's happy
in a relationship,

and I am, too.

And I'm sorry
about what I said,

that stuff about being
locked up in a zoo.

I love the zoo.

I do. It always has
clean facilities,

and I never miss
a feeding,

and I'm still
very much in love
with my zookeeper.

And I got myself
a good monkey.

You know, I never really
wanted to be Webbie.

It was just that
it's kind of nice

having someone out there
swinging free in the jungle,
you know.

I don't know.
Maybe you're right.

Maybe at the end of the day,
we all crave companionship.

And, hey,
if that's what Webbie found,
then good for him.

Yeah. About that.

You know, the thing
with Denise and Webbie

probably isn't going
to work out.

She told me
in the bathroom

that she's gonna
break up with him.

What? Why would anybody
break up with Webbie?

Well, it turns out
that Webbie is...

Too much man
for one woman.

Webbie belongs
to the world.

You learned
a little lesson, huh?

Trying to fix Webbie up.

You wanted to tame Webbie,
but you can't.

Okay, sweetie. Yeah.
Yeah.

Can't tame Webbie,

the same way
that you can't grab hold
of the wind.

No, you cannot grab the wind.

That's right.
You're damn right.

It can't be done.
JOY: Cannot be done.

He is magnificent!

* Oh, oh