All language subtitles for remux-Til.Death.S01E17.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ_track3_[eng]

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I think probably
the worst part about
getting married is,

(KIDS LAUGHING)

whenever you wanna
do something alone,

you always have to
do it together.

Way too much work.

Wives can be
scary once you...
They get angry.

I'd like to marry
a girl that's skinny.

* All right!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

(PHONE RINGING)

Phone!

We're not here!
Don't answer that!

What if it's an emergency?

Who would call us
in an emergency?

You're panicky,
and I'm too big to
fit in small spaces.

Hey, I just tried
calling you guys.

Why didn't you pick up?

Because we didn't want
to talk to anyone!

But, boy,
is that dream dead.

What, are you guys
going on vacation?

Guess you found someone else
to pick up your mail, huh?

Oh, pull yourself
together.

We're just gonna go
visit Allison at college
for parents' weekend.

Yes, and instead
of a hotel,

Eddie has opted for us
to stay in the spa-like
setting of the dorms.

Yay.

Anyway, I was
wondering if you guys
knew a good tile guy.

Anytime I try doing
home improvements
around the house,

Steph turns into a...
Sort of a...

Bitch.
Your word.

But, you know,
it's big fights
and hurt feelings,

so this time, I just wanna
stay out of it, you know?

Hire someone to use
as a human shield.

I got a guy.
Oh, yeah?

Does he charge
a flat rate or hourly?

(PHONE RINGS)
You know what?
I don't really remember...

Sorry, Joy.
Excuse me.

Hello!

Get out
of my house!

What's wrong with you?

That bathroom
is barbaric.

You'd think
they would at least buy
some shower curtains.

And one of the other
visiting dads

was being very thorough
with his undercarriage.

What are you doing on my bunk?
I called bottom.

And I called "hotel."

But you know,
we used to do some pretty
fun things in a single.

(PLAYFULLY)
Come here, birdie.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Come on!
Get back there!

All right.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Let me in.

Okay. Oops.
Careful of the fellas.

(GRUNTS)

Okay.

How do inmates do this?

Well, I'm guessing,
to them, it's really
not about the spooning.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey, guys. Whoa!

If you're about to do it,
you should put a sock
on the doorknob.

Paul Nash, single dad,
recently divorced.

I'm your suite mate.
I'm round over there.

Don't worry. I don't smoke.
At least, not cigarettes.

ALLISON: Mom? Dad?

Girl on the floor!

(EDDIE LAUGHING)

Hi! Here she is.

Hi.

Oh! Hello, darling.
Hi.

Paul Nash, single dad.
Recently divorced.

I'm rooming
with your folks.

Wow. What a treat
for them.

You bet it is.

Hey! I'm thinking
about getting a keg.

Uh, quarter keg?

Six-pack?

Anyone?

All right, I'm gonna get
a tall one for myself.

I hate streaking sober.

So, parents'
weekend, huh?

Let's check out
the schedule.

Let's see.

Oh! The student union is
handing out free condoms.

Wonder how much of my tuition
is going to that.

Don't worry, Dad.
I'm not having sex.

Of course
you're not, honey!

She's lying.

Actually, if you guys aren't
tempted to chug beers with
Paul Nash, single dad,

you should come to a show
for my pottery class.

Oh. I didn't know you
were taking pottery.

Yeah, well, I kind of had to.
It's a prerequisite
for my major.

What major?

Ceramic Studies.

Really?

Yeah. Listen, I said I'd
help set up for the show,
so I gotta run,

but I'll see
you guys there?

We'll be there.
Absolutely.
Looking forward to it.

Okay.
So excited!

(GROANS)
What the hell
is going on here?

I know. I think
she's having sex.

Eddie, we're on
a college campus.

Everyone here is
having sex but us.

We've got
a bigger problem.

Allison just announced
that she is majoring
in dishware.

Relax. It's just
a college major.

A college...
What kind of a job
is Allison gonna get

with a degree
in Ceramic Studies?

I don't know!

Maybe you should
ask a gentleman

who started a little business
called Pottery Barn!

Why should you lay
the tile that way?

How about
because I said so?

(SIGHS) This is worth
every penny.

All respect,
just because you're saying it
doesn't mean it makes sense.

I may not know
how to lay tile,

but I know how
to look at tile,

and I have a vision of how
I want this tile to look.

I wanna talk
to the mister.

Jeff.
Hey, honey.

Oh, how's the project...
I'll see for myself.

Well, Hector,
here's the mister.

Hector here seems
to have a problem with
how I want the tile laid.

She's not gonna like
the way it looks.

Okay. You're not
in my head,

you don't know
how I feel.

You're not
my psychiatrist.

Do I see you
every Thursday at noon?

No!

That's Dr. Silverman!

You're Hector!

Trust me, Hector,
you don't wanna be
her psychiatrist.

No.

I don't know how
I can be any clearer.

I want these chickens
up to that line.

The chickens
that are gonna be
on my walls,

in my bathroom,
not yours, Hector.

Uh-huh. Well, it looks like
you two can work this out...

I can't work it out!

(SEETHING)
I hate him!

Listen, to do
what she wants,

(GIBBERING)
I'd have to cut
the tile in half...

Let me stop you,
Hector.

See, you seem like you
know what you're doing,

and I'm guessing
you know more about this
than my wife, but...

See, the thing is,
I don't sleep with you.

I sleep with her.
Okay?

So you're gonna lay the tile
exactly the way she wants it,

and then,
when she changes her mind
for no apparent reason,

you're gonna lay it again!

'Cause the truth
is, Hector, I didn't
hire you to lay tile.

I hired you
to be my fall guy.

So all the anger
my wife has
about this project,

it's gonna leave here
with you, okay?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Why don't you, uh,
buy yourself
some new overalls?

You know,
you're only okay with this
because it is Allison.

When my Aunt Joan did
that thing with the beads,

you called her a moron
right to her face.

That's just
a technical term.

Medically speaking,
your aunt Joan is a moron.

And, yes, I do support
our daughter,

because my little girl
is so talented

that she could do anything
she sets her mind to.

Why is her name
on that thing?

"Allison Stark.

"Mug."

Huh.

It looks like
a big piece of poo.

It does. Someone
should tell her.

Why don't we just write
"this sucks" on the card
and sneak out of here?

We can't do that!
Hey, guys.

Hey!
Hey, darling.

Hey, there's our
little cerami...

tologist!

Did you guys
see my piece?

We did!
Yeah!

We did.

It's a mug.

It's ironic, right?

I wanted to deconstruct
the idea of a mug

in modern-day suburban life.

It's a political commentary.

Fantastic.

Uh, I'm curious.

How would...
How would you drink
out of this?

Well, you wouldn't.
That's the point.

So it's a mug that's
not for drinking.

It's a looking mug.

Fantastic.

So what do you guys think?

Uh... Uh, well,
I'm your mom,
so I'm biased.

Eddie?

Yeah, Dad.

(STAMMERING)
Doesn't matter
what I think.

What do
the professionals
think, huh?

(STAMMERING)
Is there
a teacher here,

or do they just
put you in a room

and let you throw
the mud around?

Yeah. There's Doug.
He's our TA.

Doug! Come meet
my parents.

Hey, there's
the expert.

Hi, Doug.
How are you, Doug?

Let me ask you.
Explain it to us
in layman's terms.

Is this a good mug?

Is it a mug at all?

I think her mug
is brilliant,

and I think Allison
is brilliant.

You know,
I haven't told you guys
my real news.

Oh, God.
There's real news.

I'm taking the next
semester off to live
in a barn in Vermont

and work with the People's
Collective Pottery
Outreach Program

of Greater New England.

With Doug.

Fantastic!

Allison cannot take
a semester off.

Do you know what I did
with my semester off?

I got married,
and I got pregnant,
and I never went back.

And I couldn't
be happier.

I blame that boy, Doug.

I hate Doug,
and his pottery,
and his shaggy hair,

and his

penis.

Oh! Oh, whoa. Dude!
You didn't respect
the sock!

You got your own room!

But the party got
started out here.

Oh, God. I think
they're doing it
on my purse.

I saw a lot of back fat.

We've got to do something
about Allison.

But she is so stubborn!

If we tell her no,
she is gonna wanna
do it more.

I know. I used to love
her strong will.

Now, it's our enemy.

Here's what we do.

We have to pretend
that we are really into
this pottery thing,

but there is something
that we have no control over

that is standing
in our way, like...
Um...

(STAMMERING) It turns out
that clay is made out of
human remains!

Clay is people.

That's insane.

The money! The money.
It's about the money.

If she takes a semester off,
she'll lose her financial aid.

That's so good!
That is so good.

She can't afford
to drop out,

because we don't
have the money.

I mean, even combined,
our salaries are pathetic!

Yeah! Yeah! And it's
only gonna get worse,

and you factor in inflation,
and we are in big trouble.

Yes!
Oh, what a relief!

Yes!

Can you believe
that Hector guy?

What a jerk.

Yeah. I know.

Well, thanks for getting
my back today, honey.

Sure. I mean, come on.
Who cuts tile?

I wanted to cut the tile.
Hector said not to cut it.

Yeah. I know.
That's what I meant.

I mean,
who doesn't cut tile?

Do you even know
what happened
in the bathroom today?

I know you're my wife,
and I took your side.

And you're very beautiful.

Did you support me
because I'm your wife

or because you
understand the argument
and agree with me?

What are my choices again?

Jeff!
Oh, no, no, no.

No fighting.
No, no, no fighting.

This is what
I paid Hector for.

What's that supposed
to mean?

Nothing. It's just...

Steph, come on. I mean,
usually, when there's stuff
to do around the house,

I wind up doing it,
and you wind up
getting mad at me,

but that's what
we have Hector for now,
so we can both be happy.

Oh! So now
I'm the problem?

I'm some lunatic
who yells and screams?

No!

And that's why
you had to hire somebody?
To take the heat?

The reason I yell is
that you and Hector
do things wrong!

Okay. All right. All right.

You know what? I did not want
to have this fight,

but we're having it now,
so let's go.

You think everyone's
wrong but you?

Why don't you come here
for one second?

Just...
Just one second.

Hmm! You had Hector cut
the chickens' heads off.
Okay?

It is a slaughterhouse
in here.

And who puts chickens
in the bathroom?

In the kitchen, maybe.
But even then,
with their heads on.

Oh, my gosh.

You're right.

This looks awful.

Oh, it'll be all right, honey.

No, it won't.
Why didn't you stop me?

You know how important
those tiles were to me.

I can't believe you!

Wow.

You just close your eyes
and feel it.

Morning.
Yeah, hey.

So, what are you
making there?

Little teapot,
short and stout?

You guys ready
for brunch?

Thanks for
inviting me along.

We starving artists
can never turn down
a free meal.

Ah, that's music
to a father's ears.

We are just so excited
about this Vermont thing,

and we're so sorry
it's not gonna work out.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know,
your mother and I
were up all night

talking about
what a great opportunity
living in a barn is.

It's just such
a great idea.

We are so supportive.

Yeah. Just
there's a little snag
with the money.

You see, the thing is,
we're poor,

and if you drop
a semester, you could lose
your financial aid.

We're so sorry!

But we're so
supportive.

Mom, don't stress.

I'll get student loans.
Doug told me how.

I mean, I'm 50 grand
in the hole,

and won't graduate
till I'm 30,

but the year I spent
in Guatemala was worth it.

I mastered the native art
of gourd puppets.

Uh-huh. Well, while your
dad and I would love

for you to go into debt...

(STAMMERING) It's people!
Clay is people!

What he's trying
to say is that we...

Honey, look,
this is a bad mug.

I'm sorry, but you
made better stuff
at Camp Kipawahnee.

(STAMMERING)
You're not doing this.

Do you have any idea
what we sacrificed

to save up for your
college education?

Your mother owns no cashmere.

She had to stop
at merino wool,

and it's always Hershey's,
never Godiva.

I get
where you're coming from,
Eddie. I do.

My parents, they had
the same reaction

when I told them
that I was pursing a career
in the potting arts.

Potting arts.

Man, I'd like to punch you
right in the purse.

All right, look,
this is not a career.

It's a hobby.
It's like Sudoku.

You don't major in Sudoku.
It's a minor at best.

Allison, you're better
than this.

You're smarter
than this.

(SCOFFING)
I mean, come on.
Anyone can do this.

Oh, really? I'd like
to see you try it.

What, you...
Okay, fine. Fine.

Okay? Look. Look.
Here! Look at this,
huh? It's a...

It's a candy dish
that doesn't hold
any candy!

You see, it's not
political, it's

poo.

Oh, really?
You know what?

Maybe I'm good at this,

and maybe I am old enough
to make my own decisions.

I'm going to Vermont.

That's actually
quite good.

Shot toll!

Can't go by
without taking a shot.

Listen,
we just had a fight
with our daughter,

so we're not
in the mood.

I'm a father.
I know how hard that is.

Double toll!

Shot! Shot! Shot!
Shot! Shot! Shot!

Okay, you know what?
Your breath is stinging
my eyeballs. Give me that.

Here.

(COUGHS)

What is that,
lighter fluid?

Jagermeister,
Goldschlager,
and tequila.

I call it Jagerschlageruila.

And if you
can still pronounce it,
you haven't had enough!

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay, now
I've had enough.

(CHOKES)

Here. Take the toll.

(GAGGING)

(EXHALES)

Why is Allison
doing this?

I mean, how could
such a smart girl make
such a stupid choice?

She's throwing
her life away,

and there is nothing
we can do about it.

I know. I don't know
why she's going
through this.

I mean, we never
made bad choices.

How about another shot?

Absolutely. Yes.

(PAUL RETCHING)

You know,
why don't we split one?

I don't wanna end up
holding your hair in
the ladies' room all night

like that time at the
Little River Band concert.

Oh, God!
You remember that night?

Yep. You didn't
even know me,

and you walked up
to me because I was
the tallest guy there,

so you could
sit on my shoulders
and flash the drummer.

I was underage,

I was climbing
a strange giant,

and lifting up my top.

Okay, that might have been
a stupid choice.

Yeah.

But, God, I was cool.

I made a stupid choice
that night, too.

I skipped a final
and flunked the class

just so I could go
to that concert.

But if you hadn't have,
you wouldn't have met me.

That's true.

So basically,
our stupid decisions
led us to our life together.

I guess they did.

(PAUL RETCHING)

PAUL: I'm okay!

So what your mother
and I are saying, honey,

is follow your heart and
do what you need to do.

I mean, if it weren't
for some weird choices
we made when we your age,

we never would've met,
and we wouldn't have
our life we have together.

So

I could end up
just like you?

You bet you could.

Uh...

Wow.

Huh.

What, you guys
leaving already?

Okay.

(SNIFFLING)

Stay as you are,

and I will always
remember you.

Okay.

Doober and Kitten,
my buds.

When did he give us
nicknames?

About 4:30
in the morning.

You slept
right through it.

Oddly enough,

I'm Kitten.

You know, I think Hector
did a good job fixing
these tiles.

You hardly notice the cracks
in the chickens' necks, right?

Don't see them at all.

Well, it's okay
that it goes past
the mirror, right?

Yeah. Looks amazing.

Now, you said chickens
were more for the kitchen.

Do you think we should
move 'em to the kitchen?

No, I do not.

Sorry I got so crazy
about this whole thing.

I guess I get a little nuts
when people challenge me.

I think it's because
someone else is doing
all the work.

Maybe if we did
something together,

I wouldn't become
such a lunatic.

I was thinking maybe
we could sponge-paint
the dining room together.

Doesn't that sound like fun?