All language subtitles for remux-Til.Death.S01E15.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ_track3_[eng]

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NEWSCASTER ON TV:
A 9-year-old metro girl
has a new lease on life

thanks to surgery at the
Hospital for Sick Children...

Ow! What are you doing?

What do you mean,
what am I doing?
I'm playing footsie.

Okay, footsie would imply
something cute and playful.

You're sawing through
my Achilles tendon
with your big toenail.

Well, it's fun.
It's frisky and...

Might I even say,
a little naughty.

Okay. No offense,
but if you're trying to
get things started here,

your feet probably
shouldn't be playing
a role.

I mean, you want me
thinking about sex,
right?

Not, "How do I escape
this razor-clawed creature
from the forest?"

All right.
It's just that,
you know...

It's been
a few weeks, and...

What? No. No.

What about the day
that I came home
from the market

after discovering that
they now make sloppy joes
in a squirt bottle?

That led to some
pretty hot action.

Yeah, but that was...
That was like a month ago.

It was?
Yeah.

Listen, trust me,
I don't quickly
forget the day

where I have sex with you,
plus squeezable meat.

I'm going to say thank you,
although I'm not sure why.

All right, let's do this.

(SNEEZES)

Excuse me.

What was that?

What? It's nothing.
I'm just working on
a little cold, that's all.

Yeah. Okay.
Look...

See... Here's the thing.

I'm doing this
risk-reward analysis
in my head,

and I don't know.

I mean, already
I'm picturing it's me
having sex with, like,

1,000 of those tiny
animated germ guys
from the commercials,

you know,
with the helmets
and the pickaxes,

and I...
I just...

I think those guys
are for foot fungus.

Yeah. Well,
either way, I'm out.

* All right!

* Hey!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

EDDIE: Okay, from downtown
for the win!

Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes!

(WHOOPS)

Man, there is nothing
more electric

than high school
girls' basketball.

We should probably
keep it down.

I don't want Cofeld's wife
coming down here

and yelling at us
like last time.

Oh, no worries.
She's not even here.

She's at a bridal shower
for her sister's wedding.

Or, should I say,
"civil union."

What does that mean?

It means Denise is
marrying Janet.

Thanksgiving is about to get
a whole lot easier

for the only black guy
in the family.

So, how does that work?
Like, one of them has
a bridal shower,

and then the other one has,
like, a bachelor party?

Do gay people even have
bachelor parties?

I didn't have
a bachelor party.

Question asked,
question answered.

You didn't have
a bachelor party?
What happened?

Nothing. Just discussed it
with Steph,

and we decided I'm not
really a bachelor-party
kind of guy.

Hold on. You mean,
Steph told you

you're not
a bachelor-party
kind of guy.

Every guy is
a bachelor-party
kind of guy.

It's a last taste
of freedom before

they cut off our cranberries
and put them in a jar.

Yeah. Mine was crazy.

We rented an RV.
And my brother got girls

who knew gymnastics
and stuff.

Mmm!

(SCOFFS)

You think that was crazy?

I'm still wanted
in the state of Delaware.

(ALL LAUGH)

I made out with a dude.

Too bad
those days are over.

I don't know.

We have someone here
in our midst

who never had a shot
at a bachelor party.

What do you say
we right some wrongs?

Yeah, yeah.
I like what I'm hearing.

And I vote for an activity
that includes naked girls.

Or Sea World.

I like my idea.

All right.
This is what we'll do.

We'll get a little dressed-up,
we'll grab a few drinks,

and there's three
of us here,

so we could
split the limo.

There's four of us.

What?

Oh! Right, yeah.
There's...

There's four of us.
I wasn't counting myself.

So, what do you say?
Saturday night we'll do
Jeff's bachelor party.

Guys, can I point out
one little flaw here?

I'm not a bachelor.
I'm already married.

There's no way Steph
would allow me to do this.

And that's exactly
why you do it.

You have to stand up
for yourself.

Your wife doesn't decide
whether you're allowed to
see other naked women.

Actually, I think she does.

If it's not in our vows,
I'm pretty sure it was
implied.

You know what? I give up.
Okay? Just forget it.

Forgot that I was talking
to Mr. "I respect and love
my wife" here.

It's really sad.

So sad.

Sad, sad, sad.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, all right.

You guys want to throw me
a bachelor party?

Let's have a bachelor party.

All right. I'm not gonna
let my wife tell me what
I can and can't do.

You know what? No.
You're not doing this.

Oh, you can't just
say no!

But we've discussed this.
You're not a bachelor-party
guy.

No. No, no, no. You said
I'm not a bachelor-party
kind of guy.

And guess what?
You don't get to decide

whether or not
I'm allowed to see
other naked women.

Uh, I sure as hell do.

Yeah, I thought
that sounded wrong.

Come on! Let me have
a bachelor party. Please?

Okay, fine.

Have your post-wedding
bachelor party.

Have a great time.

I will.

So, you're okay with it.

Hey, can I get you a snack?

(COOING)
I love you.

Okay, I'm heading out.

How's the cold?

How's my little
trooper doing?

I think I'm dying.

Oh, this one
with the humor!

Fantastic. Okay, look,

I got you a little
pick-me-up.

And it's with aloe,
so your face won't
bleed anymore, okay?

All right.
I gotta get going,
get this thing over with.

Yeah, I'm sure
you're dreading going out

and meeting
eight different women
named Cinnamon.

Well, listen,
tonight is for Jeff.

And I just don't want to
disappoint the youngster.

Oh, please. I heard you
in the shower singing,
Whoomp! There It Is.

All right, listen.
I know on the outside

it probably looks like
this is the most excited
I've been in three years.

But

on the inside,
there is no place
I would rather be

than right next to you.

So, just say the word,
and I won't go.

Don't go.

You're serious?

No. Go!
Okey-dokey.

That's my gal!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen, here we are.
Flesh Gardens.

Breathe it in, boys.

That's the sweet smell
of baby powder,
chicken wings,

and the exhaust of
a 737 that just landed
across the street.

This is great.

This is totally worth the
constant, echoey silence
that is now my marriage.

Okay.
You know what?

Time to check the wife talk
in the lobby, okay?

And what do you say we lose
the Indiana Jones hat?

No, Eddie. Eddie. This?
This is my party hat.

You would not believe
the kind of action
I've seen in this hat.

Uh-huh. Did any of it
involve running from
a giant boulder?

No! If you must know,
I wore this hat...

At the end of Casablanca
when you had to get
on that plane?

Just forget it, okay?

And don't mess
with my party hat.

I haven't seen a naked lady
besides my wife in 20 years.

Except on that dirty
deck of cards

I managed to save
from childhood.

I'm extremely terrified
right now.

10 bucks.

Okay, gentlemen.
No touching, groping,
fondling of the dancers.

If you disrespect the ladies,
you will be removed by me.

I believe that,
my brother.

Come on.
Give me a little.

Come on.

All right. I guess
this isn't gonna happen.

Okay, let's...

Let's go.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen,
wedding rings off.

(GRUNTS)

All right. You know what?
Let's go sit down.

Anybody bring
any singles?

I didn't know
what these gals
expect in tips,

so, I went to the bank
and took out $700 in ones.

Yeah, I think you're good.
Okay, sit down.

Oh, hey!
What's up, fellas?

Hey, there he is!

Hey!
Hey, Cofeld.

Ooh! Let's get
the party started!

Mmm!

Hey, guys!

You brought
your wife?

(WHISPERS)
Oh, yeah, man.

It turns out she's into
this kind of stuff.

She's cool, man!
She's cool!

Oh, my God, Eddie.
That one looks just
like your daughter.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(SIGHS)

Oh, please, God, no.

(MOCK-CHEERFULLY)
Come in!

Hi, Joy.

Hey.

Jeff said you weren't
feeling well,

so I thought I'd pop over
and see how you're doing.

Oh, that's nice.

Pretty bad, yeah.
Pretty contagious.

Doctor said
a thing like this

could just, you know,
leap off of me and...

(GROWLS)

Attack anybody
who's around me. So...

Oh! I'm not
worried about me.

The most important thing
is we get you healthy.

I have some great
homeopathic remedies here.

Oh, no, no. I'm good.

I was just about to take
enough cold medicine

to start a meth lab
in my belly.

Yeah.

You could take what all
the big pharmaceutical
companies

have trained you to take,

or you could let
nature heal you

and put this stick
up your nose.

As soothing as that sounds,

I'm not really
the greatest sick person.

So, I hope that
you'll forgive me

for what I'm about to say.

Get out.

Okay.

I was just feeling
a little bummed about
Jeff's skeevy bachelor party

and I thought I could
come over here and take
care of you. But...

(DOOR OPENS)
Feel better.

Wait.

Come back.

You can't let this thing
with Jeff bother you.

Why does he have to go
to a strip club?

We have a great sex life.
I'll do anything.

I mean, anything.

That's nice, honey.

But Jeff is just like Eddie.

He's a good guy.

But even good guys
occasionally feel the need

to go out and act like
complete dumbasses.

Come on. You've known
Jeff a long time.

He must have done something
like this before.

Well, one time he
had too much sugar

and said some
pretty nasty things
about Ronald Reagan

in front of my grandpa.

The point is

that at the end of the day,

the worst thing
that could happen

is that Jeff gets
called up on stage,

a naked girl rides him
like a horse,

and they run off and start
a new life together.

Kidding!

I'm kidding.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

(SNEEZES)

Bless you.
Thank you.

You know,
I really wish you'd
try some of this stuff.

I got this special tea from
a Lakota Indian shaman.

It's good stuff.

Like, "not legal outside
the Sioux nation" good.

It'll bend your head, man.

You get the tea going.

I'll put on
Dark Side of the Moon.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

* She's my cherry pie

* Cool drink of water...

I just don't understand
why anybody likes this.

I mean, this is not erotic.

It's a billion-dollar
industry.

Somebody likes
something.

This is my bachelor
party, people.

Can we focus
on the ladies?

All right, thank you.
That was pleasant.

Now my hair's wet.

Eddie, it's just water.

What do you mean,
it's just...

My whole head is wet
and I'm sitting under
a vent.

"Knock, knock. Who's there?"

"Pneumonia!"
"Come on in!"

Here you go.

Get yourself some
more comfortable shoes.

Excuse me, but I think
there should be a posting

or some kind of warning

if there's gonna be
water in your act.

So, it's your
bachelor party.
Uh-huh.

When are you
getting married?

Oh, I actually got married
six months ago.

This is like
a do-over.

Isn't the whole point
of a bachelor party
to still be a bachelor?

Could you switch places
with the Little Bo Peep?

She strikes me
as less judgmental.

Hey there, handsome.

I'm not
comfortable here.

I can tell.

Maybe you should
take a little break

and come with me to
the Champagne Room.

Is there champagne
there?

There's anything
you want there.

That sounds classy.

Excuse me!
Laura? Laura?

Oh, my God! Nicole!

You two know each other?

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

We did a Mommy & Me
class together.

Okay, this isn't good.

So, how's little Michael?

Oh, he's great.
How is your baby boy?

Oh, not a baby anymore.

This is little Joshua
and his grandfather
taking a bath together.

Adorable!

(GIGGLES)

So, how did things work out
with that breast pump?

(MEN GROANING)

Not so good.
You'll see in a minute.

Okay. Uh, good night,
everybody.
Come on, let's go.

We're leaving?
Mmm-hmm.

I was just starting
to enjoy this!

Now, come on, honey.

We'll talk all about it
in the minivan.

(WHISPERS) Call me. Bye.

Thanks for
bringing her by.

God, I love this tea.

It makes me feel

unconquerable.

Yeah.

Hey, do you see that hawk
on top of the TV?

No.

Wait...

No.

(BOTH SIGH)

I gotta be honest,
Steph.

It's a little surprising
that someone like you
would have

(WHISPERING)
tea like this!

It's no big deal,
really. Just...

After my freshman year
at college,

I was hitchhiking
through South Dakota

when I met this
Native American guy.

He was super hot.

Mmm.

Like, long, black hair,
and really in shape,

but not from the gym,
just from, like,
climbing stuff.

Anyway, we spent a pretty
wild couple of weeks
camping out,

and before he left,
he gave me these herbs.

It didn't work out,

but every couple of months,
I mail him 100 bucks

and he sends me more
in a hollowed-out
teddy bear.

(SNIFFLES)

Wow.

And to think
when I first met you,

I thought you were
a nitwit.

Yeah.

And I thought you
were a real bitch.

You know what else?
What?

Check out this tattoo.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Jeff thinks it's
the Native American
symbol for serenity.

But it really means
"John Thunderclaw."

Oh, my God.
There goes the hawk.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm actually starting
to find stripping boring.

I've counted six girls
dancing nude with
nicotine patches.

Eddie, can you not talk
about what's wrong
with the strippers?

I never want
to hear again,

(DEEP VOICE) "Hey, look.
That one's balding."

Oh! Oh, look!
Something very naughty
is happening with my hat!

Yeah. Maybe she can
give it to her friend
and cover the bald spot.

(CHAINS RATTLING)

Oh, my God.
Stan, what happened?

There's no champagne
in the champagne room.

Only shame.

I'm gonna walk over
to the airport

to see if they have
a 24-hour chapel.

Well, I guess we should
call it a night, too.

What? Eddie,
the night's just
getting started!

Hey, man!
Hey, what about
the bachelor party?

(WHOOPS)

Yeah, well,
you know what, Jeff?

I think this looked
a lot better on paper.

Should have stayed home
with the sick wife.

At least I know
what diseases she has.

Do you realize what
I went through with the
wife to get this night?

You understand how mad
Steph is at me?

You know,
someone keyed my car,
and I think it was her.

Yeah, well, you know what?
I'm sorry about that.

But the night's over,
and besides, my friends left.

Oh, right. Right.
Your friends left.

Come on.
You know what I mean.

Yeah, yeah. I think I do.
Let's just go.

Excuse me, miss?
I'm sorry.

(STAMMERING) I love your act,
but I was just on my way out,

and I just needed
to get my hat back.

Hey, hey, hey!
Put those hands down!

Sorry. I was just trying
to get my hat.

You need to try to get
your ass out of here.

(STAMMERING)
I would love to.
It's just, the...

The other young lady
with the tassels,

she disappeared
with my hat.

So, if you'd be
so kind as to...

Excuse me. Can you
just get my friend
his hat back?

I think it's time for
both of you to leave.

You're a striking man.

Amazing arms
like tree trunks.

Do you use those
squishy, springy
hand things to...

I, uh...

Eddie, we could go.
It's fine.

Okay. You sure?
Yeah.

Terrific.

Eddie, what are you doing?

Hey, hey!

Get down from there!
Leave me alone.

Get back here!
Leave me alone.

Party boy! Get back here!

EDDIE: No!
You're hurting me!

BOUNCER: Get back here!

(CHAINS RATTLING)

Run, Woodcock!
Run like the wind!

You don't think
it makes me look
too tall?

It's good! It's good!
Okay.

All right,
now listen.

Remember, our wives
have probably spent
the entire evening

eating their
cookie-dough ice cream

and crying about
what we've been doing
tonight, all right?

So, listen.

No matter what happens
on the other side of
this door,

do not show the guilt.

Got it.
Okay.

I don't know what
happened here, buddy.

(PATS JEFF'S BACK)

But I think you're
off the hook.