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www.tvsubtitles.net
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00:00:01,663 --> 00:00:02,630
* All right!
3
00:00:02,697 --> 00:00:03,763
* Hey!
4
00:00:03,830 --> 00:00:05,897
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
5
00:00:09,964 --> 00:00:11,363
(ORGAN PLAYING)
6
00:00:11,430 --> 00:00:13,063
Come on, defense!
7
00:00:13,129 --> 00:00:15,964
Yeah! Hey, 44!
Take off your mascara
8
00:00:16,029 --> 00:00:18,663
and get into the corners,
you wuss!
9
00:00:19,996 --> 00:00:22,330
I love my hockey girl.
Come here.
10
00:00:24,263 --> 00:00:26,530
Yeah!
Taste the boards, buddy!
11
00:00:26,597 --> 00:00:27,630
Lick 'em!
12
00:00:27,697 --> 00:00:28,830
Welcome to
the house of pain,
13
00:00:28,897 --> 00:00:30,964
you Czechoslovakian
piece of cr...
14
00:00:31,029 --> 00:00:33,263
I can't do this
anymore.
15
00:00:34,263 --> 00:00:36,497
I hate hockey.
16
00:00:36,563 --> 00:00:38,330
What are you talking about?
You love hockey.
17
00:00:38,396 --> 00:00:39,463
No. I hate it.
18
00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:41,730
I hate it
with my whole heart.
19
00:00:42,530 --> 00:00:43,530
What do you mean?
20
00:00:43,597 --> 00:00:44,663
You've always loved hockey.
21
00:00:44,730 --> 00:00:46,263
No, I never loved it.
22
00:00:46,330 --> 00:00:48,430
I lied. Sorry.
23
00:00:49,964 --> 00:00:52,697
Yeah, but this
is our thing, baby.
24
00:00:52,763 --> 00:00:55,930
(STAMMERING)
We love it.
25
00:00:55,996 --> 00:00:58,930
I'm really, really cold,
and I hate it.
26
00:00:58,996 --> 00:01:00,996
I'll meet you in the car.
27
00:01:13,296 --> 00:01:15,163
EDDIE: So she lied to you.
What's the big deal?
28
00:01:15,230 --> 00:01:16,530
What's the big deal?
29
00:01:16,597 --> 00:01:18,430
The entire fabric
of our relationship
30
00:01:18,497 --> 00:01:20,763
is built on the fact
that she loves hockey!
31
00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:22,497
All right,
settle down there,
drama queen.
32
00:01:22,563 --> 00:01:25,163
You're not auditioning
for the winter play.
33
00:01:25,230 --> 00:01:26,697
I mean,
you don't understand.
34
00:01:26,763 --> 00:01:29,396
On our third date,
she got us matching jerseys.
35
00:01:29,463 --> 00:01:31,763
She had me tape games
for her.
36
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:35,163
Our wedding cake
was three stacked
hockey pucks.
37
00:01:35,230 --> 00:01:37,330
That seems a tad gauche.
38
00:01:37,396 --> 00:01:40,096
That's what I said,
but she insisted.
39
00:01:40,163 --> 00:01:41,230
Oh, what am I going to do?
40
00:01:41,296 --> 00:01:44,497
I just bought a package
of 20 home games.
41
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:47,597
Hey, you know,
I got tickets for tonight.
You want to come?
42
00:01:47,663 --> 00:01:49,296
Oh.
43
00:01:49,363 --> 00:01:51,330
Sorry. I've got a thing.
44
00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:56,763
Is that my lunch?
45
00:01:56,830 --> 00:01:58,430
No!
46
00:01:58,497 --> 00:02:00,296
It says "Jeff Woodcock"
on the bag.
47
00:02:00,363 --> 00:02:02,630
Fine! There you go.
48
00:02:02,697 --> 00:02:04,996
Let's see what else
we got here.
49
00:02:06,964 --> 00:02:08,263
Isn't that Mrs. McKenzie's?
50
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:11,330
Yes. And she can do
with one less pudding cup.
51
00:02:13,396 --> 00:02:15,230
All right, look.
Obviously you're upset,
52
00:02:15,296 --> 00:02:17,864
but the fact that Steph lied
is very natural.
53
00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,430
Everybody does it.
It's what dating
is all about.
54
00:02:20,497 --> 00:02:22,196
It's what gets you
to the altar.
55
00:02:22,263 --> 00:02:25,996
You think anyone
would marry anyone
if they knew the truth?
56
00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:27,463
Well, I never lied to Steph.
57
00:02:27,530 --> 00:02:30,363
Oh, really? Does any of this
sound familiar?
58
00:02:30,430 --> 00:02:32,330
"I love foreign films."
59
00:02:32,396 --> 00:02:34,996
"No, I don't mind
if the cat sleeps
on the bed with us."
60
00:02:35,063 --> 00:02:37,096
"Lionel Richie, he rocks."
61
00:02:38,797 --> 00:02:40,964
What does this have to do
with Lionel Richie?
62
00:02:41,029 --> 00:02:43,230
I'll tell you
what this has to do
with Lionel Richie.
63
00:02:43,296 --> 00:02:45,129
When Joy and I
first started dating,
64
00:02:45,196 --> 00:02:46,497
she would always
show the goods,
65
00:02:46,563 --> 00:02:48,730
but she'd never
let me touch 'em.
66
00:02:48,797 --> 00:02:51,763
Then one night on the radio
comes Dancing on the Ceiling,
67
00:02:51,830 --> 00:02:54,096
and she goes,
"Oh, that's my favorite song."
68
00:02:54,163 --> 00:02:57,029
And I say,
"Hey, mine, too."
69
00:02:57,096 --> 00:02:59,630
Now, did I like the song?
70
00:02:59,697 --> 00:03:01,964
Of course not.
71
00:03:02,029 --> 00:03:05,129
Did I approve of the message
Dancing on the Ceiling
was sending out to children?
72
00:03:05,196 --> 00:03:07,163
Totally irresponsible.
73
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:10,330
The point is,
it was a big lie.
74
00:03:10,396 --> 00:03:16,363
But suddenly, off comes
Joy's Flashdance sweatshirt,
and we're in business.
75
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:20,697
Well, good for you.
But I never had to lie
about stuff like that.
76
00:03:20,763 --> 00:03:22,864
Steph was just really easy.
77
00:03:24,697 --> 00:03:26,430
I can see that.
78
00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:28,897
Look, she might have
lied before,
79
00:03:28,964 --> 00:03:30,363
but now
she's telling the truth,
80
00:03:30,430 --> 00:03:32,063
and that's the beauty
of marriage,
81
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:35,296
you could finally be honest
about who you really are.
82
00:03:35,363 --> 00:03:36,964
You don't have to
keep pretending
83
00:03:37,063 --> 00:03:39,897
that you have these
things in common,
or these shared interests.
84
00:03:39,964 --> 00:03:42,029
You can just go out
and do your own thing,
85
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:43,930
spending days
without talking
86
00:03:43,996 --> 00:03:46,063
or even seeing
each other at all.
87
00:03:46,129 --> 00:03:48,263
That's true intimacy.
88
00:03:52,363 --> 00:03:53,563
Look, I gave you
back your lunch,
89
00:03:53,630 --> 00:03:55,964
and you're not even
touching it.
90
00:03:56,029 --> 00:03:57,630
I'm just saying.
91
00:04:02,363 --> 00:04:03,730
(DOOR OPENING)
92
00:04:03,797 --> 00:04:05,430
Hey, sweetie.
93
00:04:05,497 --> 00:04:07,230
Hello, Steph.
94
00:04:08,196 --> 00:04:10,296
If that is your real name.
95
00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:13,597
Come on. Are you still mad
about the hockey thing?
96
00:04:13,663 --> 00:04:15,497
I'm really sorry, okay?
97
00:04:15,563 --> 00:04:17,964
It's just really creepy,
all right?
98
00:04:18,029 --> 00:04:19,129
It's like
if you lied about that,
99
00:04:19,196 --> 00:04:20,563
what else did you lie about?
100
00:04:20,630 --> 00:04:22,129
Did you have a nose job?
101
00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:24,830
Are you a US citizen?
102
00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:28,063
Have you really only been
with 14 guys before me?
103
00:04:33,563 --> 00:04:36,563
I didn't lie about
anything else, I swear.
104
00:04:36,630 --> 00:04:38,530
I just pretended
to like hockey.
105
00:04:38,597 --> 00:04:39,964
All right. Okay. Good.
106
00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:41,530
And Spinal Tap.
What?
107
00:04:41,597 --> 00:04:42,830
Oh, my god!
108
00:04:42,897 --> 00:04:43,897
No, I just meant...
109
00:04:43,964 --> 00:04:45,296
You don't like Spinal Tap?
110
00:04:45,363 --> 00:04:47,497
Well, it's just sort of goofy.
111
00:04:47,563 --> 00:04:50,663
Goofy? Spinal Tap is goofy?
112
00:04:50,730 --> 00:04:52,530
It's my favorite movie!
113
00:04:52,597 --> 00:04:55,296
Oh, my gosh.
She doesn't like Spinal Tap.
Do you believe that?
114
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:59,230
Jeff, I'm sure there's stuff
you lied about, too, right?
115
00:04:59,296 --> 00:05:01,430
I mean, like antiquing.
You always come with me.
116
00:05:01,497 --> 00:05:04,797
You say how you love it.
But no guy loves antiquing.
117
00:05:05,797 --> 00:05:07,463
Some guys love it.
118
00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:11,930
There's got to be something.
Come on.
119
00:05:11,996 --> 00:05:13,196
Well...
120
00:05:14,763 --> 00:05:16,897
(STAMMERING) No, no.
Yeah. I got something.
121
00:05:16,964 --> 00:05:19,530
You remember that haircut
that you got last year,
122
00:05:19,597 --> 00:05:20,797
the one with the bangs?
123
00:05:20,864 --> 00:05:23,597
I said I loved it,
but I didn't.
124
00:05:23,663 --> 00:05:25,497
I liked it,
but I didn't love it.
125
00:05:25,563 --> 00:05:27,563
There you go.
Doesn't that feel better?
126
00:05:27,630 --> 00:05:29,029
No. I am pathetic.
127
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,763
You're not pathetic, honey.
128
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,763
And you don't need me
to enjoy hockey.
129
00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:34,996
You loved it
before you met me.
130
00:05:35,063 --> 00:05:36,163
That's true.
131
00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:37,530
And you can love it again.
132
00:05:37,597 --> 00:05:39,363
Tonight.
You've got another game.
133
00:05:39,430 --> 00:05:41,730
Why don't you go
with one of your guy friends?
134
00:05:41,797 --> 00:05:44,063
Okay, yeah. Good.
Good. I'll just...
135
00:05:44,129 --> 00:05:45,930
I'll go with one
of my guy friends.
136
00:05:45,996 --> 00:05:47,964
Yeah. Right.
137
00:05:48,029 --> 00:05:49,897
I've got two hours
to make a guy friend.
138
00:05:49,964 --> 00:05:51,330
All right.
139
00:05:53,830 --> 00:05:55,964
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
140
00:05:56,029 --> 00:05:57,463
* Whoo!
141
00:05:57,530 --> 00:06:00,330
MAN ON TV:
The Mini Chopper Pro
replaces all these appliances.
142
00:06:00,396 --> 00:06:03,063
Now, how much would you pay
for something like this?
143
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,530
$29.95.
144
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,196
But wait. There's more.
145
00:06:06,263 --> 00:06:08,663
We're prepared to offer you
the Mini Chopper Pro,
146
00:06:08,730 --> 00:06:10,930
the Chopper Pro Junior,
and the recipe book,
147
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:13,163
a $200 value, all for...
148
00:06:13,230 --> 00:06:14,363
$19.95.
149
00:06:14,430 --> 00:06:16,296
(SCREAMS)
150
00:06:16,363 --> 00:06:18,430
How long have you been
sitting back there?
151
00:06:18,497 --> 00:06:19,996
About an hour.
152
00:06:21,263 --> 00:06:22,663
Really?
Yeah.
153
00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:26,363
Huh.
154
00:06:26,430 --> 00:06:28,296
You know, I was talking
to Woodcock about this.
155
00:06:28,363 --> 00:06:30,897
This is marriage.
156
00:06:30,964 --> 00:06:32,763
Two people doing
their own thing,
157
00:06:32,830 --> 00:06:35,296
living totally
independent lives.
158
00:06:35,363 --> 00:06:37,497
What are you talking about
"independent lives"?
159
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,263
We're sitting four feet
away from each other,
160
00:06:39,330 --> 00:06:42,230
looking at
different-sized screens.
161
00:06:42,296 --> 00:06:44,730
Well, yeah,
but we have nothing in common.
162
00:06:44,797 --> 00:06:47,430
Really?
What are you doing back there?
163
00:06:47,497 --> 00:06:49,630
Well, I'm...
164
00:06:49,697 --> 00:06:51,830
...purchasing the product
that you're watching.
165
00:06:51,897 --> 00:06:54,463
(STAMMERING) But listen.
That's not the point.
166
00:06:54,530 --> 00:06:57,263
We have totally
separate interests.
167
00:06:57,330 --> 00:06:59,029
No, we don't.
168
00:06:59,096 --> 00:07:00,497
Yeah, we do.
169
00:07:02,430 --> 00:07:05,063
Name one thing
that you do without me.
170
00:07:05,129 --> 00:07:07,763
Well, for starters,
171
00:07:08,563 --> 00:07:09,763
I bowl.
172
00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:11,530
Oh. You're a bowler?
173
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,463
Yes. Love to bowl.
174
00:07:13,530 --> 00:07:16,430
Have my own ball,
my own patented move,
175
00:07:16,497 --> 00:07:18,797
the Stark strike-maker.
176
00:07:19,730 --> 00:07:21,129
Mighty ball!
177
00:07:22,730 --> 00:07:25,363
I gave your ball away
seven years ago.
178
00:07:25,430 --> 00:07:26,797
What?
179
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:28,663
What are you talking about,
you gave it away?
180
00:07:28,730 --> 00:07:29,797
It's right here
in the hall...
181
00:07:29,864 --> 00:07:33,763
I can't believe
you gave away my ball!
182
00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:36,430
It was custom-drilled
for my fingers.
183
00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:38,463
I loved that ball.
184
00:07:38,530 --> 00:07:39,797
Did you?
185
00:07:39,864 --> 00:07:41,530
What color was it?
186
00:07:42,597 --> 00:07:44,396
Round.
187
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:47,697
Not only
have we not grown apart,
we are the same person.
188
00:07:47,763 --> 00:07:51,196
You know what? You're wrong,
because I am my own person.
189
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:53,996
I am unique,
like a human snowflake.
190
00:07:55,830 --> 00:07:56,930
No, you're not.
191
00:07:56,996 --> 00:07:58,663
Look at the way
you're eating that cookie.
192
00:07:58,730 --> 00:08:00,763
You're using
one side as a shovel
to eat the filling,
193
00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:02,497
the cookie shovel.
194
00:08:02,563 --> 00:08:05,063
Where'd you learn
that technique,
snowflake?
195
00:08:07,163 --> 00:08:09,697
From my friend Bill?
196
00:08:09,763 --> 00:08:12,897
From me.
The cookie shovel is mine.
197
00:08:12,964 --> 00:08:14,864
Oh, and check this out.
198
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,730
Ta-da!
199
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:18,964
What?
200
00:08:19,029 --> 00:08:21,196
We're wearing
the same outfit.
201
00:08:23,363 --> 00:08:24,996
Oh, my God!
202
00:08:25,063 --> 00:08:27,897
You know those couples
that we make fun of
in the yogurt place?
203
00:08:27,964 --> 00:08:30,063
We're them!
204
00:08:30,129 --> 00:08:31,363
I gotta get out of here.
205
00:08:31,430 --> 00:08:33,296
I gotta find my own thing.
206
00:08:33,363 --> 00:08:34,897
Where are you gonna go?
I don't know.
207
00:08:34,964 --> 00:08:36,964
I'll head north.
208
00:08:37,029 --> 00:08:38,363
Good luck with that.
209
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,730
And I'm telling you,
I have to do something.
210
00:08:40,797 --> 00:08:43,163
We are not going to turn
into the old yogurt people.
211
00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:44,463
Wait.
You're really going out?
212
00:08:44,530 --> 00:08:45,996
What am I supposed to do?
213
00:08:46,063 --> 00:08:47,563
I don't care what you do.
Just don't do what I'm doing.
214
00:08:47,630 --> 00:08:48,630
Well, what are you doing?
215
00:08:48,697 --> 00:08:49,864
I have no idea.
216
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,830
Well, I don't want to
just sit here by myself.
217
00:08:51,897 --> 00:08:54,063
Oh, okay.
Well, go out with that friend
who calls you all the time
218
00:08:54,129 --> 00:08:56,630
and I always forget
to give you the message.
Uh, Marla.
219
00:08:56,697 --> 00:08:58,663
Barbara?
Barbara. Exactly.
220
00:08:58,730 --> 00:08:59,930
Wait, when did
Barbara call?
221
00:08:59,996 --> 00:09:01,163
Like, every day last week.
222
00:09:01,230 --> 00:09:03,163
It was something about
her getting divorced.
223
00:09:03,230 --> 00:09:04,697
Oh, my god!
224
00:09:05,430 --> 00:09:06,630
* All right!
225
00:09:08,597 --> 00:09:09,864
* Whoo!
226
00:09:14,830 --> 00:09:16,096
Oh, jeez!
227
00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:20,996
Eddie, what are you
doin' here?
228
00:09:21,063 --> 00:09:22,830
Just doin' my own thing.
229
00:09:22,897 --> 00:09:24,129
What's up with you?
230
00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:25,263
Just going to go
to that hockey game alone.
231
00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:27,363
I love hockey! I'm in!
232
00:09:27,430 --> 00:09:29,163
You said...
Love it!
233
00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:35,196
* Oh, oh, oh, oh!
234
00:09:35,263 --> 00:09:37,864
* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
235
00:09:38,463 --> 00:09:39,964
(ALL CHEERING)
236
00:09:41,129 --> 00:09:44,530
Okay. Hockey. Love it!
237
00:09:44,597 --> 00:09:48,096
You know, I haven't
heard the Canadian anthem
in quite a while,
238
00:09:48,163 --> 00:09:51,763
but I got to say,
I think it's better than ours.
239
00:09:51,830 --> 00:09:55,797
All right.
Where is that puck?
240
00:09:55,864 --> 00:09:59,230
I got to be honest,
I haven't seen it
at all tonight.
241
00:09:59,296 --> 00:10:01,530
You know, Steph could
always find the puck.
242
00:10:01,597 --> 00:10:04,263
She has eyes
like a Navy pilot.
243
00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:05,763
You just forget
about her, okay?
244
00:10:05,830 --> 00:10:07,463
You know,
when it would get chilly,
245
00:10:07,530 --> 00:10:09,263
we would snuggle up
under this blanket.
246
00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:11,396
Yeah. Well,
you're gonna have to
buy me a few more beers
247
00:10:11,463 --> 00:10:13,230
for that to happen.
248
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:15,763
Come on.
249
00:10:17,630 --> 00:10:18,697
Mmm.
250
00:10:18,763 --> 00:10:19,930
Oh, snap out of it.
251
00:10:19,996 --> 00:10:21,964
Hey, you want
to do the wave?
252
00:10:22,029 --> 00:10:23,196
All right. I guess.
253
00:10:23,263 --> 00:10:24,864
What do you mean,
you guess? Come on.
254
00:10:24,930 --> 00:10:26,263
Surf's up!
255
00:10:26,330 --> 00:10:29,296
Whoo!
256
00:10:32,463 --> 00:10:35,029
Okay. Maybe it's a little bit
too early for the wave.
257
00:10:35,096 --> 00:10:38,330
But that is gonna kill later.
You will see.
258
00:10:38,396 --> 00:10:39,864
Go, baby! Go, baby!
259
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:41,563
Oh. Oh. Look.
260
00:10:41,630 --> 00:10:44,296
Look at Sally McHockey
over there,
puttin' on an act.
261
00:10:44,363 --> 00:10:46,029
Hey, it's all a lie!
262
00:10:46,096 --> 00:10:47,763
Once the ring
gets on her finger,
263
00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:49,463
it's gonna be
all pedicures
and tea parties.
264
00:10:49,530 --> 00:10:53,129
She's not a hockey girl,
buddy. She's a fake.
265
00:10:53,196 --> 00:10:55,497
I will kick your ass.
266
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,930
Okay. She's for real.
She's the real deal.
267
00:10:59,996 --> 00:11:01,163
Good luck to you, sir.
268
00:11:01,230 --> 00:11:04,530
You're gonna make
beautiful children.
269
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:07,563
Okay. Her boot's
in my spine.
270
00:11:07,630 --> 00:11:10,330
Someone's not respecting
personal space.
271
00:11:13,029 --> 00:11:16,930
Just so you know,
if somethin' happens,
I do not have your back.
272
00:11:21,063 --> 00:11:22,430
* Yeah!
273
00:11:22,497 --> 00:11:25,497
Barbara, I am so sorry
that I didn't call you back.
274
00:11:25,563 --> 00:11:28,330
I had no idea
that you and Marty
were splitting up.
275
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:29,730
Neither did I.
276
00:11:29,797 --> 00:11:31,163
It was pretty sudden.
277
00:11:31,230 --> 00:11:32,697
I mean, there were signs.
278
00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:35,830
Like the constant pressure
to have a three-way.
279
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:40,697
Wow. That explains
Marty's e-mails to me.
280
00:11:43,430 --> 00:11:46,597
Anyway, the important thing
is that I'm moving on.
281
00:11:46,663 --> 00:11:48,797
I mean, I don't need Marty
to validate me
282
00:11:48,864 --> 00:11:51,129
because I'm happy
with who I am.
283
00:11:51,196 --> 00:11:52,897
Do you like the lips?
Did I do too much?
284
00:11:52,964 --> 00:11:54,730
Do I have trout pout?
285
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,630
No. No.
Another couple of days,
286
00:11:56,697 --> 00:11:59,163
you'll be able
to close them all the way.
287
00:11:59,230 --> 00:12:00,563
I hope so.
288
00:12:02,964 --> 00:12:05,530
So, how'd you get
to come out by yourself
tonight?
289
00:12:05,597 --> 00:12:06,630
Where's Eddie?
290
00:12:06,697 --> 00:12:08,396
Oh, he had this
whole meltdown
291
00:12:08,463 --> 00:12:11,029
because I told him
we were kind of becoming
the same person,
292
00:12:11,096 --> 00:12:13,663
and so he wanted to go out
and do his own thing tonight,
293
00:12:13,730 --> 00:12:15,663
be his own man.
294
00:12:15,730 --> 00:12:17,497
Last time I saw him,
295
00:12:17,563 --> 00:12:21,029
he was wandering
up and down the block
looking into mailboxes.
296
00:12:21,096 --> 00:12:22,563
Well, what I'm hearing
297
00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:26,530
is that you are
an honorary single girl
like me tonight.
298
00:12:26,597 --> 00:12:28,830
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
What? What's going on?
299
00:12:28,897 --> 00:12:30,797
This place turns into
a dance club at 9:00.
300
00:12:30,864 --> 00:12:32,163
Oh. We should get the check.
301
00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:34,330
What are you talking about?
We're staying.
302
00:12:34,396 --> 00:12:36,096
You're going to be
my wingwoman.
303
00:12:36,163 --> 00:12:38,296
Oh, Barbara, I don't know.
304
00:12:38,363 --> 00:12:40,563
It's been years
since I went clubbing.
305
00:12:40,630 --> 00:12:43,163
Oh, come on.
You can still shake it.
306
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,830
Oh, I can still shake it.
307
00:12:45,897 --> 00:12:49,230
Last I checked,
these still got me
free drinks.
308
00:12:49,296 --> 00:12:51,463
So, okay. Game on!
309
00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:53,964
Oh, I don't know. I...
310
00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:55,897
I...
311
00:13:00,396 --> 00:13:02,930
Wow. I can feel
that bass everywhere.
312
00:13:05,864 --> 00:13:07,530
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
313
00:13:11,196 --> 00:13:12,697
Sit down already.
314
00:13:12,763 --> 00:13:15,563
I'm going down.
I'm mostly torso.
315
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:18,530
It takes a while.
316
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:21,096
You were in the bathroom
that whole time?
317
00:13:21,163 --> 00:13:22,763
It was pretty disturbing.
318
00:13:22,830 --> 00:13:25,864
There was a man
helping another man
pee in the sink.
319
00:13:28,730 --> 00:13:30,864
Oh! Oh, yeah!
320
00:13:30,930 --> 00:13:32,763
Look at those two guys
wailin' on each other!
321
00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:35,730
Look at that.
There's blood everywhere.
322
00:13:35,797 --> 00:13:37,497
Steph should be
here for this.
323
00:13:37,563 --> 00:13:40,196
Steph doesn't like
hockey, okay?
324
00:13:40,263 --> 00:13:42,363
And quite frankly,
I think I get her point.
325
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:45,196
What is so great
about this experience?
326
00:13:45,263 --> 00:13:48,296
Is it the cold?
Is it the relentless
organ music?
327
00:13:48,363 --> 00:13:50,697
Is it that
simple-minded fellow
328
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,663
who keeps hitting
his cow bell?
329
00:13:52,730 --> 00:13:54,697
That's Cowbell George.
330
00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:56,797
His wife's here with him.
331
00:13:58,230 --> 00:14:02,296
Can I ask you to please
not kick my chair?
332
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:04,996
How about I kick you
in the head?
333
00:14:05,063 --> 00:14:06,396
(SNORTS)
334
00:14:09,129 --> 00:14:10,830
Wow.
335
00:14:10,897 --> 00:14:13,430
She did it.
She didn't even wait
for an answer.
336
00:14:13,497 --> 00:14:14,530
Ha.
337
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:19,063
You want to dance
with the scarecrow? Come on!
338
00:14:21,396 --> 00:14:23,196
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
339
00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:31,263
Okay. I stand corrected.
340
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:33,530
This is my new favorite song.
341
00:14:37,129 --> 00:14:41,029
Whoa. Sailor.
What are you leaving room for,
cream and sugar?
342
00:14:41,096 --> 00:14:43,430
Okay, she's married!
343
00:14:43,497 --> 00:14:45,930
I'm divorced
and back on the pill!
344
00:14:48,196 --> 00:14:49,430
Barbara!
345
00:14:50,096 --> 00:14:51,797
Hey!
346
00:14:51,864 --> 00:14:54,396
I am so glad that Eddie
made me come out tonight.
347
00:14:54,463 --> 00:14:55,697
Whoo!
348
00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:58,630
Oh. Oh.
I'm gonna call him.
349
00:14:58,697 --> 00:15:02,330
You know, these lips
aren't the only thing
I've had done.
350
00:15:04,663 --> 00:15:06,864
It's going
right to voicemail.
351
00:15:09,163 --> 00:15:11,096
Eddie! Hi!
352
00:15:12,630 --> 00:15:14,864
Oh, I'm so glad
you made me do this.
353
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:17,330
I hope you're having
as much fun as I am.
354
00:15:17,396 --> 00:15:18,463
Whoo!
355
00:15:18,530 --> 00:15:20,663
Ow! You're hurting
my nipple!
356
00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:23,563
It's not worth it, Cathy!
Not in your first trimester!
357
00:15:23,630 --> 00:15:26,063
He's right, Cathy.
You got way too much to lose.
358
00:15:26,129 --> 00:15:28,864
All right, George!
Put down the cowbell!
359
00:15:36,797 --> 00:15:39,763
Hey, you're home early.
Is the game over?
360
00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:43,630
No. We were asked to leave
right after Eddie
flipped off the kiss-cam.
361
00:15:43,697 --> 00:15:46,063
But I got you one of these.
362
00:15:46,129 --> 00:15:47,730
A towel.
Not a towel, angel.
363
00:15:47,797 --> 00:15:49,129
A rally towel.
364
00:15:49,196 --> 00:15:51,930
You know,
when your team's down
and you need them to rally?
365
00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:54,730
Well, I need you
to rally, honey.
366
00:15:54,797 --> 00:15:55,930
Whoo!
367
00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:58,196
Huh?
368
00:15:58,263 --> 00:15:59,996
You're freaking out
a little here.
What's going on?
369
00:16:00,063 --> 00:16:02,697
I need us to go back
to the lie, okay?
370
00:16:02,763 --> 00:16:04,996
I need you to tell me
that you love hockey,
371
00:16:05,063 --> 00:16:06,697
because it's really not
the same without you.
372
00:16:06,763 --> 00:16:08,797
So we're going to
wave our towels,
373
00:16:08,864 --> 00:16:10,396
we're going to watch
the end of the game,
374
00:16:10,463 --> 00:16:12,363
because the girl I married
loves hockey,
375
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:16,430
and if you don't love hockey,
then I don't know
who the hell you are.
376
00:16:17,230 --> 00:16:19,463
This is nice, right?
377
00:16:19,530 --> 00:16:22,497
Go ahead. Say it.
Say you love it.
378
00:16:23,597 --> 00:16:25,996
Say you love hockey.
379
00:16:26,996 --> 00:16:28,263
Okay, I love it.
380
00:16:28,330 --> 00:16:29,497
Liar!
381
00:16:29,563 --> 00:16:31,163
But you said you wanted
to go back to the lie.
382
00:16:31,230 --> 00:16:33,363
We can't go back!
I know you hate it now.
383
00:16:33,430 --> 00:16:34,697
You've ruined hockey
for me!
384
00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:35,964
You've made me
question everything!
385
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:39,063
I am very angry inside!
Stupid rally towel!
386
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:40,964
(GRUNTING)
387
00:16:46,263 --> 00:16:50,196
Jeff, I'm so sorry
this is making you upset.
388
00:16:50,263 --> 00:16:52,897
I never meant to hurt you.
389
00:16:52,964 --> 00:16:54,996
Let me ask you something.
390
00:16:55,063 --> 00:16:57,129
When you called me
after our first date
391
00:16:57,196 --> 00:17:00,597
and told me
you had hockey tickets
and asked me to go,
392
00:17:00,663 --> 00:17:01,897
if I had told you
I hated hockey,
393
00:17:01,964 --> 00:17:03,763
what would have happened?
394
00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:05,763
Would we have ever had
a second date?
395
00:17:05,830 --> 00:17:06,964
Probably.
No.
396
00:17:07,029 --> 00:17:09,697
You'd have taken
somebody else to the game.
397
00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:11,430
And then you never
would've put your arm
around me
398
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:13,363
when I got cold.
399
00:17:13,430 --> 00:17:16,330
We wouldn't have had
our first kiss that night.
400
00:17:16,396 --> 00:17:20,129
And it's possible
we wouldn't have
ended up together.
401
00:17:20,196 --> 00:17:22,196
None of this would exist.
402
00:17:23,263 --> 00:17:26,163
So I lied.
I said I loved hockey.
403
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,864
I'd do it again.
404
00:17:30,396 --> 00:17:32,697
It got me you.
405
00:17:32,763 --> 00:17:34,996
It's the best lie
I ever told.
406
00:17:36,530 --> 00:17:37,597
I...
407
00:17:38,830 --> 00:17:41,063
...never thought of it
that way.
408
00:17:41,129 --> 00:17:44,196
Well, it's true.
409
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:46,897
Okay, how about this?
How about
we compromise, okay?
410
00:17:46,964 --> 00:17:49,296
How about you go
to one game a season?
411
00:17:49,363 --> 00:17:50,396
You got it.
412
00:17:50,463 --> 00:17:51,697
Okay.
413
00:17:51,763 --> 00:17:55,096
And maybe you could
wear the jersey
when we do, like,
414
00:17:55,163 --> 00:17:57,530
you know, other stuff.
415
00:17:57,597 --> 00:18:00,129
You mean like sex?
416
00:18:00,196 --> 00:18:03,797
I was thinking antiquing,
but I like yours better.
417
00:18:03,864 --> 00:18:04,930
* Yeah, yeah!
418
00:18:05,029 --> 00:18:06,230
* Oh, oh, oh
419
00:18:06,296 --> 00:18:08,096
MAN ON TV: Not as hungry
as you thought you were?
420
00:18:08,163 --> 00:18:09,663
Not a problem.
421
00:18:09,730 --> 00:18:13,363
Pack it, suck it, and save it
with the new Vacuum Packer.
422
00:18:13,430 --> 00:18:15,096
Operators are standing by.
423
00:18:15,163 --> 00:18:16,663
(MUTES VOLUME)
424
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:18,996
Whoo!
425
00:18:19,063 --> 00:18:20,530
Hey.
426
00:18:20,597 --> 00:18:22,864
Oh, my God.
What a night.
427
00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:25,563
I am so glad
you made us go out.
428
00:18:25,630 --> 00:18:28,663
Barbara and I
went to this restaurant
that became a nightclub,
429
00:18:28,730 --> 00:18:31,763
and I danced
so hard on the bar
that I broke a heel.
430
00:18:31,830 --> 00:18:34,029
Oh, and a bamboo ceiling fan.
431
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:37,663
I got beat up by a girl.
432
00:18:39,730 --> 00:18:41,463
Oh. I'm sorry.
433
00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:44,063
No, I'm sorry.
I hate it out there.
434
00:18:44,129 --> 00:18:46,563
I don't need interests
or my own thing.
435
00:18:46,630 --> 00:18:48,096
I'm fine
just sitting right here,
436
00:18:48,163 --> 00:18:50,864
being the same person
as you.
437
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,964
Hey, you want to put on
our matching flannel jammies?
438
00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:55,196
No.
439
00:18:55,263 --> 00:18:58,563
Actually, I just came home
to change my shoes.
440
00:18:58,630 --> 00:19:00,129
Barbara and I are
going to go for waffles
441
00:19:00,196 --> 00:19:01,897
with these gay guys
that we met.
442
00:19:01,964 --> 00:19:03,697
Oh. Okay.
443
00:19:03,763 --> 00:19:05,797
Save me your bacon.
I will.
444
00:19:18,697 --> 00:19:19,930
(SIGHS)
445
00:19:22,663 --> 00:19:25,697
What happened
to gay waffles?
446
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,196
You know what?
Barbara won't miss me.
447
00:19:27,263 --> 00:19:30,230
I was kind of stealing
her thunder anyway.
448
00:19:30,296 --> 00:19:32,497
That's my girl.
449
00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:35,563
MAN ON TV: And the sucking
doesn't have to stop
in the kitchen.
450
00:19:35,630 --> 00:19:38,363
Winter sweaters
taking up too much room?
451
00:19:38,430 --> 00:19:39,930
With the new Vacuum Packer,
452
00:19:39,996 --> 00:19:42,096
you can suck 'em down to size.
453
00:19:42,163 --> 00:19:44,964
Now, how much would you pay
for an item like this?
454
00:19:45,063 --> 00:19:46,463
$29.95.
455
00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:47,763
No way.
456
00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:49,363
They're going to
give it to us for $19.95,
457
00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:50,864
but they're gonna
kill us on the bags.
458
00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:52,096
No.
459
00:19:52,163 --> 00:19:55,597
Now about the low price
of $19.95?
460
00:19:55,663 --> 00:19:56,996
Bags sold separately.
461
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,263
Booya!
462
00:20:00,196 --> 00:20:01,797
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
463
00:20:05,430 --> 00:20:06,630
It's okay, honey.
464
00:20:06,697 --> 00:20:09,697
We don't have to have
the same favorite movie.
465
00:20:09,763 --> 00:20:12,463
You'll have Spinal Tap,
and I'll have...
466
00:20:13,330 --> 00:20:14,830
anything else.
467
00:20:14,897 --> 00:20:15,996
Oh, no. It's great.
468
00:20:16,063 --> 00:20:18,363
We're just going to
watch it one more time.
469
00:20:18,430 --> 00:20:20,663
Amp goes to 11.
That's classic.
470
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:21,763
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
471
00:20:21,830 --> 00:20:23,530
It's...
It speaks for itself.
472
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,630
I'm gonna stop talking.
473
00:20:26,196 --> 00:20:27,597
(SNICKERING)
474
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:32,396
I'm sorry. I still don't see
why that's funny.
475
00:20:33,663 --> 00:20:35,530
Because it goes to 11.
476
00:20:36,263 --> 00:20:38,597
Things never go to 11.
477
00:20:38,663 --> 00:20:40,396
It's always 10.
That's the standard.
478
00:20:40,463 --> 00:20:42,730
No, I get that.
I just...
479
00:20:42,797 --> 00:20:45,763
Why don't they make it
that it goes to 40?
480
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,864
You know,
like much higher.
481
00:20:49,296 --> 00:20:51,363
Wouldn't that be funnier?
482
00:20:52,797 --> 00:20:53,830
No!
483
00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:55,996
"This one goes to 40."
484
00:20:56,063 --> 00:20:57,730
What the hell
is wrong with you?
485
00:20:57,797 --> 00:20:59,063
Just go put on
the jersey.
486
00:20:59,129 --> 00:21:01,263
I'll be in there
in a minute.
487
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:05,996
* Yeah, yeah, yeah!
34964
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