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www.tvsubtitles.net
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00:00:01,664 --> 00:00:02,631
* All right!
3
00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:03,698
* Hey!
4
00:00:03,764 --> 00:00:06,431
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
5
00:00:09,231 --> 00:00:10,498
What are you doing?
6
00:00:10,564 --> 00:00:13,698
I'm moving your
"exercise equipment."
7
00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:16,197
I think we should get it
out of our daughter's room.
8
00:00:16,264 --> 00:00:17,831
I use the treadmill.
9
00:00:17,898 --> 00:00:19,397
For running?
10
00:00:20,130 --> 00:00:22,097
No. Speed walking.
11
00:00:22,865 --> 00:00:24,197
With my dumbbells.
12
00:00:24,264 --> 00:00:27,197
Okay. Dumbbells?
Get over yourself, okay?
13
00:00:27,264 --> 00:00:30,397
I could clean my ears
with these things.
14
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,531
Come on.
15
00:00:32,598 --> 00:00:34,097
It's just that Allison's
coming home from college
for the first time,
16
00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:36,364
and I want her to still feel
like this is still home, so...
17
00:00:36,431 --> 00:00:40,064
It's still her room.
It just has a treadmill in it.
18
00:00:40,130 --> 00:00:42,264
You can't keep it
like a museum forever.
19
00:00:42,331 --> 00:00:45,297
Why not? They do at
the Betsy Ross house.
20
00:00:45,364 --> 00:00:47,764
Her old-time glasses
there on the bench,
21
00:00:47,831 --> 00:00:49,030
and the musket
in the corner,
22
00:00:49,097 --> 00:00:50,664
the half-sewn flag
just sitting there
23
00:00:50,731 --> 00:00:53,598
like she just got up
to go to the can.
24
00:00:53,664 --> 00:00:56,231
It's so dark in here.
Maybe I'll change the colors.
25
00:00:56,297 --> 00:00:57,764
It's how she likes it.
26
00:00:57,831 --> 00:01:01,064
It's traumatic.
It's dark purple, like a...
27
00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:02,464
Contusion?
28
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,130
Look, honey.
29
00:01:05,197 --> 00:01:08,431
You don't quite understand
Allison the way I do.
She's just like me.
30
00:01:08,498 --> 00:01:10,865
And bright colors
and exercise equipment
31
00:01:10,931 --> 00:01:13,564
makes us want to start
punching stuff.
32
00:01:13,631 --> 00:01:16,865
Yeah, I know. You two always
had something special.
33
00:01:16,931 --> 00:01:20,431
I go through 20 hours
of labor, I cook, I clean.
34
00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:22,231
You show her how
to do an arm fart,
35
00:01:22,297 --> 00:01:24,297
and suddenly
you're the magic man.
36
00:01:25,397 --> 00:01:27,464
Yeah, that was
a turning point.
37
00:01:27,531 --> 00:01:28,898
All right, she's going
to be here any second,
38
00:01:28,965 --> 00:01:30,965
so come on, let's move it.
39
00:01:31,997 --> 00:01:33,865
Okay, you see, right there.
40
00:01:33,931 --> 00:01:36,364
That's why you're
not the favorite.
41
00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:38,397
Fine.
42
00:01:38,464 --> 00:01:40,231
All right, come on.
All right.
43
00:01:40,297 --> 00:01:44,698
On three. It's heavy,
so put your caboose
into it. All right?
44
00:01:44,764 --> 00:01:47,331
One, two, and three.
45
00:01:47,397 --> 00:01:48,865
(GRUNTING)
46
00:01:51,664 --> 00:01:53,431
What's happening?
47
00:01:53,498 --> 00:01:55,397
Oh, my side has wheels.
48
00:01:57,898 --> 00:02:01,731
So, I'm lifting and
I'm going backwards.
What are you doing?
49
00:02:01,798 --> 00:02:04,764
I'm spotting you.
50
00:02:04,831 --> 00:02:07,731
All right, you know what?
I am truly moved
by your chivalry.
51
00:02:07,798 --> 00:02:10,064
Switch sides, jackass.
52
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,231
Jackass? Okay, ready?
53
00:02:13,297 --> 00:02:14,698
And here we go.
I will guide you.
54
00:02:14,764 --> 00:02:16,898
Okay. All righty.
55
00:02:18,064 --> 00:02:19,364
Okay, could you not push?
56
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:20,631
Sorry.
57
00:02:22,397 --> 00:02:26,197
Wait. It's too big.
58
00:02:26,264 --> 00:02:30,831
Oh, now I am remembering
that I took it apart
to get it in here.
59
00:02:30,898 --> 00:02:31,997
(DOOR SLAMS)
60
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:33,264
ALLISON: Hello?
61
00:02:33,331 --> 00:02:34,464
She's here!
62
00:02:34,531 --> 00:02:35,898
Anybody home?
63
00:02:35,965 --> 00:02:37,364
Anybody want to see
their daughter,
64
00:02:37,431 --> 00:02:38,898
or should I just
head back to college
65
00:02:38,965 --> 00:02:42,297
and continue with my pretty
heavy underage drinking?
66
00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:45,397
See ya.
67
00:02:46,097 --> 00:02:47,130
Eddie!
68
00:02:47,197 --> 00:02:48,264
Squeeze through!
69
00:02:48,331 --> 00:02:49,564
(GRUNTING)
70
00:02:52,664 --> 00:02:53,664
Help!
71
00:02:54,498 --> 00:02:55,698
Oh, there she is!
72
00:02:55,764 --> 00:02:57,631
Hi, Daddy.
73
00:02:57,698 --> 00:02:59,331
Where's Mom?
JOY: Ow!
74
00:02:59,397 --> 00:03:03,030
Just push your body
through the machine!
75
00:03:03,097 --> 00:03:05,798
JOY: I can't!
My hair's caught!
76
00:03:05,865 --> 00:03:08,631
Wow! You have Mom
tied to a machine.
77
00:03:08,698 --> 00:03:10,097
Should I go?
78
00:03:11,664 --> 00:03:14,764
Are you kidding?
It'll give us more time
to talk.
79
00:03:15,997 --> 00:03:17,197
Allie!
80
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:18,997
Oh!
Hey, Mom.
81
00:03:19,064 --> 00:03:20,064
Hi!
82
00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:22,064
Does she look great, huh?
83
00:03:22,130 --> 00:03:23,997
Yeah. A little skinny.
84
00:03:25,197 --> 00:03:27,898
So? How was skiing
with the boyfriend?
85
00:03:27,965 --> 00:03:30,297
Skiing was cold, painful,
and expensive.
86
00:03:30,364 --> 00:03:34,030
Honestly, I have no idea
how that sport got through.
87
00:03:34,097 --> 00:03:36,564
But Ryan's amazing.
88
00:03:36,631 --> 00:03:38,064
Did you like his family?
89
00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:41,564
Yes. His mom was great.
His dad was great.
His brother was great.
90
00:03:41,631 --> 00:03:44,097
And they're all really nice
and funny and successful.
91
00:03:44,164 --> 00:03:46,331
Yeah.
92
00:03:46,397 --> 00:03:49,664
Actually, I found myself
wishing something would
go wrong for one of them.
93
00:03:49,731 --> 00:03:51,097
Oh, I hope you
don't mind, Mom,
94
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,764
but I brought home
about four months' worth
of my laundry.
95
00:03:53,831 --> 00:03:57,531
Oh, don't be silly.
Your mom lives for that.
96
00:03:57,598 --> 00:04:00,264
(LAUGHS) You haven't
washed anything
since you left?
97
00:04:00,331 --> 00:04:01,364
(GASPS)
98
00:04:01,431 --> 00:04:02,898
Wow! Tangy!
99
00:04:05,097 --> 00:04:09,431
Oh. You know,
if anything smells like pot,
it's because of my roommate.
100
00:04:09,498 --> 00:04:12,965
And she's Jamaican,
so it's, you know,
part of her culture.
101
00:04:15,431 --> 00:04:18,030
BOTH: Happy holidays!
102
00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:23,364
Hey, we're just
dropping by to tell you
we're back from our trip.
103
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:24,931
Thanks so much for
taking in our mail.
104
00:04:24,997 --> 00:04:26,631
Yeah, no problem.
105
00:04:27,664 --> 00:04:29,631
It's kind of wet.
106
00:04:29,698 --> 00:04:31,731
I'm going to
level with you.
107
00:04:31,798 --> 00:04:34,731
It was sitting on your porch
in the snow up until
about an hour ago.
108
00:04:36,064 --> 00:04:38,498
Guys, this is Allison,
our daughter.
109
00:04:38,564 --> 00:04:40,431
She's back from college
for winter break.
110
00:04:40,498 --> 00:04:41,631
Hey.
111
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,598
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God! Hi!
112
00:04:44,664 --> 00:04:46,965
Okay. Oh, my God.
We're hugging.
Oh!
113
00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:51,197
It's very nice
to meet you. Hi.
114
00:04:51,264 --> 00:04:52,965
So, how was Christmas
in Minnesota?
115
00:04:53,030 --> 00:04:54,631
Oh, it was really nice.
116
00:04:54,698 --> 00:04:56,164
Jeff and my parents
are both divorced
and remarried,
117
00:04:56,231 --> 00:04:58,798
so we actually get
four Christmases.
118
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,397
Quadruple the joy.
119
00:05:01,464 --> 00:05:04,664
I got caught
under the mistletoe
with my stepmom.
120
00:05:04,731 --> 00:05:06,865
A little too much eggnog.
She...
121
00:05:08,097 --> 00:05:09,965
She really went for it.
122
00:05:11,364 --> 00:05:12,397
It's good to be home,
though!
123
00:05:12,464 --> 00:05:13,631
Yeah.
124
00:05:13,698 --> 00:05:15,498
Hey, we're having a little
New Year's gathering
125
00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:16,931
and we wanted to
invite you guys.
126
00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:19,598
Oh, New Year's Eve.
Yeah, not a fan.
127
00:05:19,664 --> 00:05:22,731
Way too much pressure
to make it the best
night ever, you know.
128
00:05:22,798 --> 00:05:24,764
Y2K, that kind of
got me excited,
129
00:05:24,831 --> 00:05:29,097
'cause there was
always that chance of
the world shutting down.
130
00:05:29,164 --> 00:05:31,431
All right, well,
hey, we should go.
We should go.
131
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:35,097
But if you change
your mind about the party,
you know where to find us.
132
00:05:35,164 --> 00:05:38,331
Happy holidays.
Feliz Navidad.
133
00:05:39,564 --> 00:05:40,731
Joyeux Noel!
134
00:05:42,564 --> 00:05:44,331
God, they're exhausting.
135
00:05:44,397 --> 00:05:46,130
Yeah. So, Allie,
you want to go upstairs...
136
00:05:46,197 --> 00:05:47,898
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Hang on a second.
137
00:05:47,965 --> 00:05:51,731
I got a text message.
Ooh! It's from Ryan.
138
00:05:51,798 --> 00:05:53,264
Already, huh?
139
00:05:53,331 --> 00:05:55,664
He had a really
great time with me.
140
00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,531
He's been doing
some thinking.
141
00:05:57,598 --> 00:05:59,297
Some things happened
this weekend,
142
00:05:59,364 --> 00:06:04,130
and his Aunt Joan
overheard me making
fun of her mustache.
143
00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:06,297
Oh, my God!
144
00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:08,731
I'm a really great girl,
but...
145
00:06:08,798 --> 00:06:12,197
Oh, God. He... Oh, my God!
146
00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:14,231
(SOBBING) He dumped me!
147
00:06:14,297 --> 00:06:16,264
What?
Oh, honey.
148
00:06:16,331 --> 00:06:19,264
I loved him so much!
149
00:06:20,264 --> 00:06:21,831
Sweetheart!
150
00:06:22,397 --> 00:06:23,531
Mom!
151
00:06:24,531 --> 00:06:25,631
(CRYING)
152
00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:30,664
It's okay! Mommy's here.
153
00:06:31,831 --> 00:06:33,364
Why are men such idiots?
154
00:06:33,431 --> 00:06:36,931
Oh, I don't know.
But they sure are,
aren't they?
155
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:41,197
You know what?
Let's go splash
some water on that face
156
00:06:41,264 --> 00:06:43,764
and we'll snuggle in
and we'll talk all
about it, okay?
157
00:06:43,831 --> 00:06:45,264
Okay.
All right.
158
00:06:45,331 --> 00:06:46,631
You might want to get
started on that laundry.
159
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,431
Okay. All right.
160
00:06:48,498 --> 00:06:51,698
Now, this load gonna be
a cold/cold, a cold/warm,
a warm/warm, a hot...
161
00:06:51,764 --> 00:06:53,231
(ALLISON SOBBING)
Oh, okay!
162
00:06:53,297 --> 00:06:55,231
Daddy will figure it out!
163
00:06:58,731 --> 00:06:59,731
* Ooh
164
00:07:00,197 --> 00:07:01,564
Hey.
165
00:07:01,631 --> 00:07:02,965
Hi, there.
166
00:07:03,030 --> 00:07:04,997
11:00 a.m.?
167
00:07:05,064 --> 00:07:08,664
Yeah, Allison and I were up
so late talking last night.
168
00:07:08,731 --> 00:07:11,997
She's never poured her heart
out to me like that before.
169
00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:15,130
She was crying and
she was shaking a little.
170
00:07:15,865 --> 00:07:17,498
So much pain.
171
00:07:17,564 --> 00:07:19,498
It's kind of fantastic!
172
00:07:21,130 --> 00:07:22,397
I can't believe
how happy you are
173
00:07:22,464 --> 00:07:24,965
that she went to you
and not me.
174
00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:26,097
Look at you gloat.
175
00:07:26,164 --> 00:07:28,931
I'm not gloating.
I'm having my coffee.
176
00:07:28,997 --> 00:07:31,097
And I'm dancing a little.
177
00:07:33,564 --> 00:07:35,931
Yeah, well, meanwhile...
178
00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:38,364
Meanwhile, I did 10 loads
of her laundry.
179
00:07:38,431 --> 00:07:40,197
And I have to say,
I found things in
her pockets
180
00:07:40,264 --> 00:07:42,798
that a father
just shouldn't see.
181
00:07:42,865 --> 00:07:46,130
But on the plus side,
at least she's having
safe sex.
182
00:07:47,631 --> 00:07:49,564
I can't believe
she didn't come to me.
183
00:07:49,631 --> 00:07:51,598
She always comes to me.
184
00:07:51,664 --> 00:07:53,965
Well, maybe that's because
she's growing up,
185
00:07:54,030 --> 00:07:56,831
and now she needs
a woman to understand
what she's going through.
186
00:07:56,898 --> 00:07:58,764
Besides, this is our child
we're talking about.
187
00:07:58,831 --> 00:08:01,431
It is not a competition.
188
00:08:01,498 --> 00:08:03,130
Although, if it were
a competition,
189
00:08:03,197 --> 00:08:05,664
this would clearly be
a big win for me.
190
00:08:06,564 --> 00:08:08,364
Okay, this is not over.
191
00:08:09,997 --> 00:08:12,064
Good morning, sweetheart.
Hey.
192
00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:13,831
So, I hear your mom
talked your ear off
193
00:08:13,898 --> 00:08:15,598
pretty good last night,
huh?
194
00:08:15,664 --> 00:08:18,097
Yeah, I been there.
195
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,331
Hey, why don't we
hop in the car?
196
00:08:19,397 --> 00:08:20,664
We'll go get a couple
of cheesesteaks.
197
00:08:20,731 --> 00:08:22,097
Dad, I really...
Oh, come on.
198
00:08:22,164 --> 00:08:24,130
Allison,
it's our tradition.
199
00:08:24,197 --> 00:08:25,731
Dad, I haven't even
had breakfast yet.
200
00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:27,164
Oh, stop with the
not having breakfast.
201
00:08:27,231 --> 00:08:28,431
Come on,
I'll tell you what.
202
00:08:28,498 --> 00:08:30,764
We'll go get a doughnut
on the way over.
203
00:08:30,831 --> 00:08:32,731
And by the way,
the drier's gonna ding
in a half hour,
204
00:08:32,798 --> 00:08:34,965
so you may wanna get that.
205
00:08:39,631 --> 00:08:40,865
Good morning. Hi.
206
00:08:40,931 --> 00:08:43,931
I'll take the pizza steak
with the wiz and onions.
207
00:08:43,997 --> 00:08:46,331
And crisp cut fries
with the wiz on it.
208
00:08:46,397 --> 00:08:48,631
And make sure I get some
extra wiz on the side
209
00:08:48,698 --> 00:08:51,831
just to make absolutely sure
that my heart stops beating
before noon.
210
00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,464
(LAUGHS)
211
00:08:53,531 --> 00:08:55,197
Same for you, honey?
212
00:08:55,264 --> 00:08:57,498
Actually, I'll have
a cheesesteak with
peppers and onions,
213
00:08:57,564 --> 00:09:00,397
but hold the cheese
and the steak,
and also no bun.
214
00:09:00,464 --> 00:09:02,297
I think you just
ordered air.
215
00:09:02,364 --> 00:09:04,364
Well, I gotta stop
eating so much crap.
216
00:09:04,431 --> 00:09:06,097
What do you mean?
You love this stuff.
217
00:09:06,164 --> 00:09:09,498
Hey, Maurice. Get some
wiz into this kid pronto,
will ya?
218
00:09:09,564 --> 00:09:11,264
(STAMMERING)
What's the matter?
219
00:09:11,331 --> 00:09:14,030
Are you still depressed
about the guy? Huh?
220
00:09:14,097 --> 00:09:15,698
Well, you know what?
That's okay.
221
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,664
I want you to let it out.
Cry it out to Daddy.
222
00:09:18,731 --> 00:09:21,698
Cry it all out. Daddy!
223
00:09:21,764 --> 00:09:24,898
That's it. Okay.
Thank you, Maurice.
224
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,798
There you go. Okay.
Come on over here.
225
00:09:29,064 --> 00:09:32,231
Oh! Hi! Hey!
Hey, you guys!
226
00:09:32,297 --> 00:09:34,731
Hey! Hi. What are
you two doing here?
227
00:09:34,798 --> 00:09:37,931
Oh, just picking up
our 10-foot hoagie
for the party tonight.
228
00:09:37,997 --> 00:09:39,064
Oh.
Ooh!
229
00:09:39,130 --> 00:09:40,130
It's freezing out!
230
00:09:40,197 --> 00:09:41,264
(GROWLING)
231
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,965
Stop!
232
00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,831
I just can't help it.
You're so cute when
you're cold.
233
00:09:45,898 --> 00:09:47,931
Your nose is all red,
your skin's all flaky,
234
00:09:47,997 --> 00:09:50,197
you have that little
shiny snot stream
coming down.
235
00:09:50,264 --> 00:09:51,664
It's adorable.
236
00:09:53,064 --> 00:09:55,264
Listen, if you guys
change your minds
about the party,
237
00:09:55,331 --> 00:09:57,297
the invitation is still
open, all right?
238
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,164
Okay. All right.
239
00:10:02,798 --> 00:10:05,130
So, you had a nice talk
with Mom last night?
240
00:10:05,197 --> 00:10:06,197
Yeah.
That's good.
241
00:10:06,264 --> 00:10:07,297
It's important to talk it out.
242
00:10:07,364 --> 00:10:10,764
Your mom is an amazing lady.
Very wise.
243
00:10:10,831 --> 00:10:12,064
Of course,
when you left for school,
244
00:10:12,130 --> 00:10:14,064
she wasted no time
bringing in a treadmill.
245
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:16,664
That's just kinda gotta break
your heart a little bit.
246
00:10:16,731 --> 00:10:18,898
Come on, over here.
Big treadmill cry.
247
00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:20,164
It's fine.
248
00:10:20,231 --> 00:10:22,498
I actually ran on it
this morning.
249
00:10:22,564 --> 00:10:25,531
You did?
But we don't believe
in physical fitness.
250
00:10:25,598 --> 00:10:29,231
It's a hoax, like those
freaking hybrid cars.
251
00:10:29,297 --> 00:10:32,764
No, you don't believe in it.
We're not the same person.
252
00:10:33,564 --> 00:10:35,231
Well, we kinda are.
253
00:10:35,297 --> 00:10:36,764
Well, I don't want to be.
254
00:10:36,831 --> 00:10:38,397
I talked to Ryan last night.
255
00:10:38,464 --> 00:10:40,231
You know why he
broke up with me?
Because of you!
256
00:10:40,297 --> 00:10:42,297
Me? He never even met me.
257
00:10:42,364 --> 00:10:44,164
He didn't have to.
258
00:10:44,231 --> 00:10:46,898
He said I was too dark
and too negative
and sarcastic.
259
00:10:46,965 --> 00:10:49,431
And where did I
get that from?
From you.
260
00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:53,498
(STAMMERING) I'm not negative.
I'm provocative.
261
00:10:54,931 --> 00:10:57,431
I'm raw.
I make people think.
262
00:10:57,498 --> 00:10:59,997
Okay. Most dads tell
their little girls
263
00:11:00,064 --> 00:11:02,698
bedtime stories about
princesses and fairies.
264
00:11:02,764 --> 00:11:05,331
You told me about
the Cuban Missile Crisis.
265
00:11:05,397 --> 00:11:08,164
Yeah, but I did it
in that delightful
Ricky Ricardo voice.
266
00:11:08,231 --> 00:11:10,664
(IMITATING RICKY RICARDO)
"Lucy, they're coming around
with the missiles.
267
00:11:10,731 --> 00:11:12,030
"Listen to me now, Lucy."
268
00:11:12,097 --> 00:11:15,931
Come on. I mean, that is...
You know, that's charming.
269
00:11:15,997 --> 00:11:19,130
Would you rather I was
one of those nice, sweet,
happy people?
270
00:11:19,197 --> 00:11:20,197
Come on.
271
00:11:20,264 --> 00:11:22,130
Yes!
272
00:11:22,197 --> 00:11:24,130
Growing up in our house,
I didn't even know
any different,
273
00:11:24,197 --> 00:11:26,598
but those people do exist.
274
00:11:26,664 --> 00:11:28,097
Ryan was one of them.
275
00:11:28,164 --> 00:11:29,931
But he was wrong for you.
276
00:11:29,997 --> 00:11:32,498
You hang out with
people like that,
you wind up being
277
00:11:32,564 --> 00:11:34,997
a grown man who celebrates
his wife's mucus.
278
00:11:35,064 --> 00:11:36,798
Bye-bye!
Bye!
279
00:11:39,997 --> 00:11:41,931
Well, I think that's nice.
280
00:11:41,997 --> 00:11:45,464
They seem nice,
and normal and happy.
281
00:11:45,531 --> 00:11:48,064
You know what?
I'm going to go to
their party tonight.
282
00:11:48,130 --> 00:11:49,564
And I'm going to make
a New Year's resolution.
283
00:11:49,631 --> 00:11:51,498
You know what it is?
What?
284
00:11:51,564 --> 00:11:55,865
From now on, I'm going
to be more like them
and less like you.
285
00:11:55,931 --> 00:11:58,798
Look, I'm going to say this
because I care.
286
00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:02,764
Is this your roommate's
pot talking?
287
00:12:07,164 --> 00:12:08,965
* Ooh
288
00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:10,931
Happy New Year.
289
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,564
Guess it's just
you and me tonight.
290
00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:14,598
Yup.
291
00:12:14,664 --> 00:12:17,698
I'm sorry I drove our
child away with my...
292
00:12:17,764 --> 00:12:19,164
Personality?
293
00:12:20,931 --> 00:12:22,197
Bingo.
294
00:12:23,030 --> 00:12:24,331
What you doing?
295
00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:26,764
I'm just thinking
about the girl that
Allison used to be.
296
00:12:26,831 --> 00:12:28,431
I found one of her
old school notebooks,
297
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,664
and the first thing
I turned to
298
00:12:29,731 --> 00:12:32,331
is this essay she wrote
about the universe
299
00:12:32,397 --> 00:12:35,097
and how pointless
it all is.
300
00:12:35,164 --> 00:12:36,898
She was quite a 10-year-old.
301
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,831
Yes, she was.
302
00:12:38,898 --> 00:12:40,965
Oh. Look at this.
303
00:12:42,664 --> 00:12:46,130
Remember how she used to
"rage against the machines"?
304
00:12:48,664 --> 00:12:51,297
Yeah. You do know
that's a band, right?
305
00:12:56,997 --> 00:12:58,264
I do now.
306
00:13:00,831 --> 00:13:02,397
You know,
I was just thinking,
307
00:13:02,464 --> 00:13:04,297
we really don't have
that much time left
with her.
308
00:13:04,364 --> 00:13:05,598
What are you
talking about?
309
00:13:05,664 --> 00:13:07,331
Well, she's in college
now, right?
310
00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:09,397
So, the only time
we're really going
to see her is
311
00:13:09,464 --> 00:13:11,865
during the holidays,
spring break,
312
00:13:11,931 --> 00:13:14,731
graduation, her wedding,
313
00:13:14,798 --> 00:13:16,331
the birth of her child.
314
00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:21,097
I'm counting
18 more days with her
for the rest of our lives.
315
00:13:21,164 --> 00:13:24,631
This is the dark stuff
that she doesn't like,
right? Okay.
316
00:13:24,698 --> 00:13:26,831
How are we going to fix this?
317
00:13:28,231 --> 00:13:30,798
Want to try to find
her roommate's pot?
318
00:13:34,631 --> 00:13:39,598
Or, we could stop
talking about the girl
that Allison was
319
00:13:39,664 --> 00:13:42,731
and start thinking about
the girl Allison wants to be.
320
00:13:44,431 --> 00:13:48,997
Come on. Let's go to
the Woodcocks' party.
Let's try to act happy.
321
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,364
Or...
322
00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:53,498
Eddie.
323
00:13:53,564 --> 00:13:55,030
All right. All right. Fine.
324
00:13:55,097 --> 00:13:57,764
We'll go throw
confetti in the air
like a bunch of morons
325
00:13:57,831 --> 00:14:00,431
because the Earth made it
around the sun on more time.
326
00:14:00,498 --> 00:14:02,030
Eddie.
Last time. Last time.
327
00:14:02,097 --> 00:14:04,197
I'm just getting it
out of my system.
328
00:14:04,264 --> 00:14:07,297
This is going to be
the best New Year's ever.
329
00:14:07,364 --> 00:14:08,664
(CROWS)
330
00:14:08,731 --> 00:14:09,931
(LAUGHS)
331
00:14:13,431 --> 00:14:16,965
ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!
332
00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,331
Oh, my God.
Were we being too loud?
333
00:14:18,397 --> 00:14:19,931
You didn't call the cops,
did you?
334
00:14:19,997 --> 00:14:22,865
Hell, no.
We are here to party!
335
00:14:22,931 --> 00:14:24,965
ALL: Happy New Year!
336
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:26,931
(ALL CHEERING)
337
00:14:26,997 --> 00:14:28,531
(LAUGHING)
338
00:14:28,598 --> 00:14:31,997
Wow! So, what's going on?
My watch says 10:30.
339
00:14:32,064 --> 00:14:34,030
Oh, instead of waiting
for midnight,
340
00:14:34,097 --> 00:14:36,564
we celebrate New Year's
in each approaching
time zone.
341
00:14:36,631 --> 00:14:39,564
Right now, it's New Year's
in Newfoundland.
342
00:14:39,631 --> 00:14:41,598
(BLOWS HORN)
343
00:14:41,664 --> 00:14:42,831
What are you guys
doing here?
344
00:14:42,898 --> 00:14:44,898
Hey.
Hey. There she is.
345
00:14:44,965 --> 00:14:47,164
You know what? We think
that you had a point
346
00:14:47,231 --> 00:14:49,865
that maybe we're just
being a little too dark,
so all of that is over.
347
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,164
Right? Yeah.
Right, hon?
348
00:14:51,231 --> 00:14:53,297
Yeah.
Absolutely.
We're here to party.
349
00:14:53,364 --> 00:14:55,130
As Kool once said
to his gang,
350
00:14:55,197 --> 00:14:57,531
"Celebrate good times.
Come on!"
351
00:14:59,197 --> 00:15:00,764
Are you guys serious?
352
00:15:00,831 --> 00:15:04,997
Oh, I'm as serious as
a ship off Newfoundland
in a big storm.
353
00:15:05,064 --> 00:15:06,831
Hey! A hat!
354
00:15:08,798 --> 00:15:12,564
All right, people.
Time to break out
the limbo stick.
355
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,030
All CHANTING:
Russ! Russ! Russ! Russ!
356
00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:20,865
Russ! Russ! Eddie! Eddie!
357
00:15:20,931 --> 00:15:24,364
Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!
358
00:15:24,431 --> 00:15:25,798
Take it in there.
Bend down.
359
00:15:25,865 --> 00:15:27,164
You come up to me.
360
00:15:27,231 --> 00:15:29,231
ALL: Eddie! Eddie!
361
00:15:29,297 --> 00:15:32,197
Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!
362
00:15:33,731 --> 00:15:36,164
(ALL CHEERING)
363
00:15:41,631 --> 00:15:44,431
My New Year's
resolutions are:
364
00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:47,097
I'm gonna lose
two pounds,
365
00:15:47,164 --> 00:15:50,297
I'm gonna
master Quicken,
366
00:15:50,364 --> 00:15:55,564
and I'm gonna do
what I can to help save
all the wild horses.
367
00:15:55,631 --> 00:15:57,030
(ALL EXCLAIM)
368
00:16:01,431 --> 00:16:02,564
Eddie?
369
00:16:02,631 --> 00:16:06,664
Oh, uh, wow, okay. Um...
370
00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:09,264
I, too, would like
to lose two pounds.
371
00:16:10,364 --> 00:16:12,498
What else?
372
00:16:12,564 --> 00:16:15,264
I'm gonna start
to look at rainbows.
373
00:16:19,931 --> 00:16:25,130
But I mean, really
look at them for the
first time in my life,
374
00:16:25,197 --> 00:16:27,331
and not just the ones
up in the sky,
375
00:16:27,397 --> 00:16:31,598
even the ones on oil slicks,
or stickers,
376
00:16:31,664 --> 00:16:33,898
or roast beef
when it's gone bad.
377
00:16:34,631 --> 00:16:35,831
(CLEARS THROAT)
378
00:16:35,898 --> 00:16:39,831
* Something strange
In the neighborhood
379
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:41,431
* Who ya gonna call?
380
00:16:41,498 --> 00:16:42,898
BOTH: * Ghostbusters!
381
00:16:42,965 --> 00:16:45,030
(GHOSTBUSTERS THEME PLAYING)
382
00:16:46,331 --> 00:16:47,831
BOTH: * I ain't afraid
of no ghost *
383
00:16:47,898 --> 00:16:49,064
(WHOOPS)
384
00:16:50,598 --> 00:16:51,965
(WHOOPS)
385
00:16:52,030 --> 00:16:53,531
Thank you!
386
00:16:55,831 --> 00:16:58,564
You okay, Dad? That was
a pretty intense set.
387
00:16:58,631 --> 00:16:59,997
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
388
00:17:00,064 --> 00:17:02,464
I'm fine. I'm just
getting started.
389
00:17:02,531 --> 00:17:04,997
Okay, everybody, everybody.
Steph! Steph, come here.
390
00:17:05,064 --> 00:17:07,865
It's a few minutes
to midnight,
391
00:17:07,931 --> 00:17:10,431
and one of our Minnesota
traditions is,
392
00:17:10,498 --> 00:17:13,564
I dress up as an old man
symbolizing the old year,
393
00:17:13,631 --> 00:17:16,764
and somebody else dresses up
as Baby New Year!
394
00:17:16,831 --> 00:17:19,331
So who wants to
put on a diaper?
395
00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:24,231
Come on, we need somebody
with really nice legs.
396
00:17:24,965 --> 00:17:26,831
Hey, people, it's fun!
397
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:31,164
Diaper me.
398
00:17:33,264 --> 00:17:34,464
* Oh
399
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:37,598
Okay, stop hopping
and just step into it.
400
00:17:37,664 --> 00:17:39,164
Well, I can't
find the hole.
401
00:17:39,231 --> 00:17:42,965
Hold the diaper...
Hold the diaper steady!
402
00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:46,231
Oh, God, I just flashed on us
30 years from now.
403
00:17:50,097 --> 00:17:52,764
Okay, all right.
Here, hold this.
404
00:17:52,831 --> 00:17:53,931
Hold this, right?
Okay. All right.
405
00:17:53,997 --> 00:17:55,798
Right? Okay?
Yeah.
406
00:17:55,865 --> 00:17:58,030
(GRUNTING)
407
00:17:58,097 --> 00:18:00,831
That's not diaper you're
tugging, that's me!
408
00:18:01,798 --> 00:18:03,431
All right, well,
stop fighting me!
409
00:18:03,498 --> 00:18:07,064
I am trying to fit
a lot of stuff into
a small space here.
410
00:18:07,965 --> 00:18:09,297
I hear ya.
411
00:18:10,764 --> 00:18:11,798
Hold this.
412
00:18:11,865 --> 00:18:13,531
No! Look, look,
you're rubbing me raw.
413
00:18:13,598 --> 00:18:16,331
Can you see if they
have any Vaseline?
414
00:18:16,397 --> 00:18:18,097
Okay, you know what? Stop.
415
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:21,030
I care for you very deeply,
416
00:18:21,097 --> 00:18:25,631
and I support everything
you are trying to do
right now, but...
417
00:18:25,698 --> 00:18:30,731
This is going to be
very hard for me to unsee.
418
00:18:32,931 --> 00:18:34,731
And I would like
to make love to you
419
00:18:34,798 --> 00:18:38,331
at some point in the future,
so I'm going to go.
420
00:18:39,664 --> 00:18:42,064
Look, you gotta...
She said...
421
00:18:43,064 --> 00:18:44,498
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
What?
422
00:18:46,197 --> 00:18:47,331
Oh, hi, honey.
Dad?
423
00:18:47,397 --> 00:18:48,464
Yes, yes.
424
00:18:54,598 --> 00:18:55,698
Hey...
425
00:18:57,130 --> 00:18:58,997
This is fun.
426
00:18:59,064 --> 00:19:01,164
The new me.
I'm a big baby!
427
00:19:03,064 --> 00:19:04,397
Yeah, um...
428
00:19:05,698 --> 00:19:08,431
You don't have to
do this for me.
429
00:19:08,498 --> 00:19:10,130
What?
430
00:19:10,197 --> 00:19:12,798
Look, I know
you're trying to act
all happy and excited
431
00:19:12,865 --> 00:19:15,798
because I said
that's what I wanted,
432
00:19:15,865 --> 00:19:18,297
but now that I see it,
433
00:19:18,364 --> 00:19:22,197
you in a diaper is
worse than any dark side
I could ever imagine.
434
00:19:23,831 --> 00:19:25,331
This just isn't you,
435
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:29,631
and after a few hours here,
this isn't really me, either.
436
00:19:32,264 --> 00:19:34,664
Dad, can you put
your shirt on?
437
00:19:34,731 --> 00:19:36,297
Of course.
438
00:19:37,297 --> 00:19:38,498
Sorry.
439
00:19:39,197 --> 00:19:40,764
(CHUCKLES)
440
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,865
(SOFTLY) Okay. Excuse me.
441
00:19:52,030 --> 00:19:54,464
I'm sorry about
what I said.
442
00:19:54,531 --> 00:19:58,564
I got dumped and I was upset
and I just lashed out at you.
443
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,030
(SOFTLY) It's okay.
444
00:20:00,097 --> 00:20:04,865
But you're a big, angry,
dark, wonderful dad.
445
00:20:04,931 --> 00:20:07,231
And I'm proud
that I'm like you.
446
00:20:07,965 --> 00:20:08,965
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
447
00:20:09,030 --> 00:20:11,631
Come on, Eddie,
30 seconds to midnight.
448
00:20:13,531 --> 00:20:16,297
My dad's not
going to dress up
like a baby, Jeff.
449
00:20:16,364 --> 00:20:18,464
Yeah, I was chafing
pretty bad.
450
00:20:18,531 --> 00:20:19,698
What?
451
00:20:19,764 --> 00:20:23,231
You're going to bail on us?
I can't believe this!
452
00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:27,130
Okay, everybody, our
big baby just punched
us right in the shorts!
453
00:20:29,431 --> 00:20:31,731
Wow, it's pretty great
when that guy gets angry.
454
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,397
Oh, it's the best.
455
00:20:33,464 --> 00:20:35,698
You know,
sometimes during car pool,
he'll try to get in the car
456
00:20:35,764 --> 00:20:38,231
and I just keep
inching forward like that.
457
00:20:38,297 --> 00:20:39,898
He goes ballistic.
It's heaven.
458
00:20:39,965 --> 00:20:41,097
(GIGGLES)
459
00:20:41,164 --> 00:20:42,464
PEOPLE: Happy New Year!
460
00:20:42,531 --> 00:20:43,764
(ALL CHEERING)
461
00:20:43,831 --> 00:20:44,965
Happy New Year, Dad.
462
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:46,231
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
463
00:20:46,297 --> 00:20:48,397
Happy New Year, honey.
464
00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:49,865
Come here.
465
00:20:51,231 --> 00:20:52,831
Thank you.
466
00:20:56,397 --> 00:20:59,564
Okay, here we go.
"Dear Ryan."
467
00:20:59,631 --> 00:21:01,931
No, no, no.
"Dear Assface."
468
00:21:03,598 --> 00:21:05,631
Oh, sorry. Too dark still?
469
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:09,164
No, I just think that
"assface" is going to be
too strong out of the gate.
470
00:21:09,231 --> 00:21:11,397
You know, I want him
to read the whole thing.
471
00:21:11,464 --> 00:21:14,231
Smart. Well-played.
We'll end with "assface".
472
00:21:15,331 --> 00:21:16,865
No, I disagree.
473
00:21:16,931 --> 00:21:18,931
I mean, what are
you going to say?
474
00:21:18,997 --> 00:21:23,197
"I'm so hurt, I'm so sad,
you hurt my feelings,
blah, blah, blah."
475
00:21:23,264 --> 00:21:25,631
I say cut to the chase.
476
00:21:25,698 --> 00:21:29,598
"Dear Assface, suck it.
See you in hell."
477
00:21:31,397 --> 00:21:32,664
Listen to your mother.
478
00:21:32,731 --> 00:21:34,498
(EXCLAIMS)
I love you guys.
479
00:21:34,564 --> 00:21:35,598
Nah.
34991
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