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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000 www.tvsubtitles.net 2 00:00:01,664 --> 00:00:02,631 * All right! 3 00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:03,698 * Hey! 4 00:00:03,764 --> 00:00:06,431 * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! 5 00:00:09,231 --> 00:00:10,498 What are you doing? 6 00:00:10,564 --> 00:00:13,698 I'm moving your "exercise equipment." 7 00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:16,197 I think we should get it out of our daughter's room. 8 00:00:16,264 --> 00:00:17,831 I use the treadmill. 9 00:00:17,898 --> 00:00:19,397 For running? 10 00:00:20,130 --> 00:00:22,097 No. Speed walking. 11 00:00:22,865 --> 00:00:24,197 With my dumbbells. 12 00:00:24,264 --> 00:00:27,197 Okay. Dumbbells? Get over yourself, okay? 13 00:00:27,264 --> 00:00:30,397 I could clean my ears with these things. 14 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,531 Come on. 15 00:00:32,598 --> 00:00:34,097 It's just that Allison's coming home from college for the first time, 16 00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:36,364 and I want her to still feel like this is still home, so... 17 00:00:36,431 --> 00:00:40,064 It's still her room. It just has a treadmill in it. 18 00:00:40,130 --> 00:00:42,264 You can't keep it like a museum forever. 19 00:00:42,331 --> 00:00:45,297 Why not? They do at the Betsy Ross house. 20 00:00:45,364 --> 00:00:47,764 Her old-time glasses there on the bench, 21 00:00:47,831 --> 00:00:49,030 and the musket in the corner, 22 00:00:49,097 --> 00:00:50,664 the half-sewn flag just sitting there 23 00:00:50,731 --> 00:00:53,598 like she just got up to go to the can. 24 00:00:53,664 --> 00:00:56,231 It's so dark in here. Maybe I'll change the colors. 25 00:00:56,297 --> 00:00:57,764 It's how she likes it. 26 00:00:57,831 --> 00:01:01,064 It's traumatic. It's dark purple, like a... 27 00:01:01,130 --> 00:01:02,464 Contusion? 28 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,130 Look, honey. 29 00:01:05,197 --> 00:01:08,431 You don't quite understand Allison the way I do. She's just like me. 30 00:01:08,498 --> 00:01:10,865 And bright colors and exercise equipment 31 00:01:10,931 --> 00:01:13,564 makes us want to start punching stuff. 32 00:01:13,631 --> 00:01:16,865 Yeah, I know. You two always had something special. 33 00:01:16,931 --> 00:01:20,431 I go through 20 hours of labor, I cook, I clean. 34 00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:22,231 You show her how to do an arm fart, 35 00:01:22,297 --> 00:01:24,297 and suddenly you're the magic man. 36 00:01:25,397 --> 00:01:27,464 Yeah, that was a turning point. 37 00:01:27,531 --> 00:01:28,898 All right, she's going to be here any second, 38 00:01:28,965 --> 00:01:30,965 so come on, let's move it. 39 00:01:31,997 --> 00:01:33,865 Okay, you see, right there. 40 00:01:33,931 --> 00:01:36,364 That's why you're not the favorite. 41 00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:38,397 Fine. 42 00:01:38,464 --> 00:01:40,231 All right, come on. All right. 43 00:01:40,297 --> 00:01:44,698 On three. It's heavy, so put your caboose into it. All right? 44 00:01:44,764 --> 00:01:47,331 One, two, and three. 45 00:01:47,397 --> 00:01:48,865 (GRUNTING) 46 00:01:51,664 --> 00:01:53,431 What's happening? 47 00:01:53,498 --> 00:01:55,397 Oh, my side has wheels. 48 00:01:57,898 --> 00:02:01,731 So, I'm lifting and I'm going backwards. What are you doing? 49 00:02:01,798 --> 00:02:04,764 I'm spotting you. 50 00:02:04,831 --> 00:02:07,731 All right, you know what? I am truly moved by your chivalry. 51 00:02:07,798 --> 00:02:10,064 Switch sides, jackass. 52 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,231 Jackass? Okay, ready? 53 00:02:13,297 --> 00:02:14,698 And here we go. I will guide you. 54 00:02:14,764 --> 00:02:16,898 Okay. All righty. 55 00:02:18,064 --> 00:02:19,364 Okay, could you not push? 56 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:20,631 Sorry. 57 00:02:22,397 --> 00:02:26,197 Wait. It's too big. 58 00:02:26,264 --> 00:02:30,831 Oh, now I am remembering that I took it apart to get it in here. 59 00:02:30,898 --> 00:02:31,997 (DOOR SLAMS) 60 00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:33,264 ALLISON: Hello? 61 00:02:33,331 --> 00:02:34,464 She's here! 62 00:02:34,531 --> 00:02:35,898 Anybody home? 63 00:02:35,965 --> 00:02:37,364 Anybody want to see their daughter, 64 00:02:37,431 --> 00:02:38,898 or should I just head back to college 65 00:02:38,965 --> 00:02:42,297 and continue with my pretty heavy underage drinking? 66 00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:45,397 See ya. 67 00:02:46,097 --> 00:02:47,130 Eddie! 68 00:02:47,197 --> 00:02:48,264 Squeeze through! 69 00:02:48,331 --> 00:02:49,564 (GRUNTING) 70 00:02:52,664 --> 00:02:53,664 Help! 71 00:02:54,498 --> 00:02:55,698 Oh, there she is! 72 00:02:55,764 --> 00:02:57,631 Hi, Daddy. 73 00:02:57,698 --> 00:02:59,331 Where's Mom? JOY: Ow! 74 00:02:59,397 --> 00:03:03,030 Just push your body through the machine! 75 00:03:03,097 --> 00:03:05,798 JOY: I can't! My hair's caught! 76 00:03:05,865 --> 00:03:08,631 Wow! You have Mom tied to a machine. 77 00:03:08,698 --> 00:03:10,097 Should I go? 78 00:03:11,664 --> 00:03:14,764 Are you kidding? It'll give us more time to talk. 79 00:03:15,997 --> 00:03:17,197 Allie! 80 00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:18,997 Oh! Hey, Mom. 81 00:03:19,064 --> 00:03:20,064 Hi! 82 00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:22,064 Does she look great, huh? 83 00:03:22,130 --> 00:03:23,997 Yeah. A little skinny. 84 00:03:25,197 --> 00:03:27,898 So? How was skiing with the boyfriend? 85 00:03:27,965 --> 00:03:30,297 Skiing was cold, painful, and expensive. 86 00:03:30,364 --> 00:03:34,030 Honestly, I have no idea how that sport got through. 87 00:03:34,097 --> 00:03:36,564 But Ryan's amazing. 88 00:03:36,631 --> 00:03:38,064 Did you like his family? 89 00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:41,564 Yes. His mom was great. His dad was great. His brother was great. 90 00:03:41,631 --> 00:03:44,097 And they're all really nice and funny and successful. 91 00:03:44,164 --> 00:03:46,331 Yeah. 92 00:03:46,397 --> 00:03:49,664 Actually, I found myself wishing something would go wrong for one of them. 93 00:03:49,731 --> 00:03:51,097 Oh, I hope you don't mind, Mom, 94 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,764 but I brought home about four months' worth of my laundry. 95 00:03:53,831 --> 00:03:57,531 Oh, don't be silly. Your mom lives for that. 96 00:03:57,598 --> 00:04:00,264 (LAUGHS) You haven't washed anything since you left? 97 00:04:00,331 --> 00:04:01,364 (GASPS) 98 00:04:01,431 --> 00:04:02,898 Wow! Tangy! 99 00:04:05,097 --> 00:04:09,431 Oh. You know, if anything smells like pot, it's because of my roommate. 100 00:04:09,498 --> 00:04:12,965 And she's Jamaican, so it's, you know, part of her culture. 101 00:04:15,431 --> 00:04:18,030 BOTH: Happy holidays! 102 00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:23,364 Hey, we're just dropping by to tell you we're back from our trip. 103 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:24,931 Thanks so much for taking in our mail. 104 00:04:24,997 --> 00:04:26,631 Yeah, no problem. 105 00:04:27,664 --> 00:04:29,631 It's kind of wet. 106 00:04:29,698 --> 00:04:31,731 I'm going to level with you. 107 00:04:31,798 --> 00:04:34,731 It was sitting on your porch in the snow up until about an hour ago. 108 00:04:36,064 --> 00:04:38,498 Guys, this is Allison, our daughter. 109 00:04:38,564 --> 00:04:40,431 She's back from college for winter break. 110 00:04:40,498 --> 00:04:41,631 Hey. 111 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,598 (CHUCKLING) Oh, my God! Hi! 112 00:04:44,664 --> 00:04:46,965 Okay. Oh, my God. We're hugging. Oh! 113 00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:51,197 It's very nice to meet you. Hi. 114 00:04:51,264 --> 00:04:52,965 So, how was Christmas in Minnesota? 115 00:04:53,030 --> 00:04:54,631 Oh, it was really nice. 116 00:04:54,698 --> 00:04:56,164 Jeff and my parents are both divorced and remarried, 117 00:04:56,231 --> 00:04:58,798 so we actually get four Christmases. 118 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,397 Quadruple the joy. 119 00:05:01,464 --> 00:05:04,664 I got caught under the mistletoe with my stepmom. 120 00:05:04,731 --> 00:05:06,865 A little too much eggnog. She... 121 00:05:08,097 --> 00:05:09,965 She really went for it. 122 00:05:11,364 --> 00:05:12,397 It's good to be home, though! 123 00:05:12,464 --> 00:05:13,631 Yeah. 124 00:05:13,698 --> 00:05:15,498 Hey, we're having a little New Year's gathering 125 00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:16,931 and we wanted to invite you guys. 126 00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:19,598 Oh, New Year's Eve. Yeah, not a fan. 127 00:05:19,664 --> 00:05:22,731 Way too much pressure to make it the best night ever, you know. 128 00:05:22,798 --> 00:05:24,764 Y2K, that kind of got me excited, 129 00:05:24,831 --> 00:05:29,097 'cause there was always that chance of the world shutting down. 130 00:05:29,164 --> 00:05:31,431 All right, well, hey, we should go. We should go. 131 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:35,097 But if you change your mind about the party, you know where to find us. 132 00:05:35,164 --> 00:05:38,331 Happy holidays. Feliz Navidad. 133 00:05:39,564 --> 00:05:40,731 Joyeux Noel! 134 00:05:42,564 --> 00:05:44,331 God, they're exhausting. 135 00:05:44,397 --> 00:05:46,130 Yeah. So, Allie, you want to go upstairs... 136 00:05:46,197 --> 00:05:47,898 (CELL PHONE BEEPING) Hang on a second. 137 00:05:47,965 --> 00:05:51,731 I got a text message. Ooh! It's from Ryan. 138 00:05:51,798 --> 00:05:53,264 Already, huh? 139 00:05:53,331 --> 00:05:55,664 He had a really great time with me. 140 00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,531 He's been doing some thinking. 141 00:05:57,598 --> 00:05:59,297 Some things happened this weekend, 142 00:05:59,364 --> 00:06:04,130 and his Aunt Joan overheard me making fun of her mustache. 143 00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:06,297 Oh, my God! 144 00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:08,731 I'm a really great girl, but... 145 00:06:08,798 --> 00:06:12,197 Oh, God. He... Oh, my God! 146 00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:14,231 (SOBBING) He dumped me! 147 00:06:14,297 --> 00:06:16,264 What? Oh, honey. 148 00:06:16,331 --> 00:06:19,264 I loved him so much! 149 00:06:20,264 --> 00:06:21,831 Sweetheart! 150 00:06:22,397 --> 00:06:23,531 Mom! 151 00:06:24,531 --> 00:06:25,631 (CRYING) 152 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:30,664 It's okay! Mommy's here. 153 00:06:31,831 --> 00:06:33,364 Why are men such idiots? 154 00:06:33,431 --> 00:06:36,931 Oh, I don't know. But they sure are, aren't they? 155 00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:41,197 You know what? Let's go splash some water on that face 156 00:06:41,264 --> 00:06:43,764 and we'll snuggle in and we'll talk all about it, okay? 157 00:06:43,831 --> 00:06:45,264 Okay. All right. 158 00:06:45,331 --> 00:06:46,631 You might want to get started on that laundry. 159 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,431 Okay. All right. 160 00:06:48,498 --> 00:06:51,698 Now, this load gonna be a cold/cold, a cold/warm, a warm/warm, a hot... 161 00:06:51,764 --> 00:06:53,231 (ALLISON SOBBING) Oh, okay! 162 00:06:53,297 --> 00:06:55,231 Daddy will figure it out! 163 00:06:58,731 --> 00:06:59,731 * Ooh 164 00:07:00,197 --> 00:07:01,564 Hey. 165 00:07:01,631 --> 00:07:02,965 Hi, there. 166 00:07:03,030 --> 00:07:04,997 11:00 a.m.? 167 00:07:05,064 --> 00:07:08,664 Yeah, Allison and I were up so late talking last night. 168 00:07:08,731 --> 00:07:11,997 She's never poured her heart out to me like that before. 169 00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:15,130 She was crying and she was shaking a little. 170 00:07:15,865 --> 00:07:17,498 So much pain. 171 00:07:17,564 --> 00:07:19,498 It's kind of fantastic! 172 00:07:21,130 --> 00:07:22,397 I can't believe how happy you are 173 00:07:22,464 --> 00:07:24,965 that she went to you and not me. 174 00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:26,097 Look at you gloat. 175 00:07:26,164 --> 00:07:28,931 I'm not gloating. I'm having my coffee. 176 00:07:28,997 --> 00:07:31,097 And I'm dancing a little. 177 00:07:33,564 --> 00:07:35,931 Yeah, well, meanwhile... 178 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:38,364 Meanwhile, I did 10 loads of her laundry. 179 00:07:38,431 --> 00:07:40,197 And I have to say, I found things in her pockets 180 00:07:40,264 --> 00:07:42,798 that a father just shouldn't see. 181 00:07:42,865 --> 00:07:46,130 But on the plus side, at least she's having safe sex. 182 00:07:47,631 --> 00:07:49,564 I can't believe she didn't come to me. 183 00:07:49,631 --> 00:07:51,598 She always comes to me. 184 00:07:51,664 --> 00:07:53,965 Well, maybe that's because she's growing up, 185 00:07:54,030 --> 00:07:56,831 and now she needs a woman to understand what she's going through. 186 00:07:56,898 --> 00:07:58,764 Besides, this is our child we're talking about. 187 00:07:58,831 --> 00:08:01,431 It is not a competition. 188 00:08:01,498 --> 00:08:03,130 Although, if it were a competition, 189 00:08:03,197 --> 00:08:05,664 this would clearly be a big win for me. 190 00:08:06,564 --> 00:08:08,364 Okay, this is not over. 191 00:08:09,997 --> 00:08:12,064 Good morning, sweetheart. Hey. 192 00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:13,831 So, I hear your mom talked your ear off 193 00:08:13,898 --> 00:08:15,598 pretty good last night, huh? 194 00:08:15,664 --> 00:08:18,097 Yeah, I been there. 195 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,331 Hey, why don't we hop in the car? 196 00:08:19,397 --> 00:08:20,664 We'll go get a couple of cheesesteaks. 197 00:08:20,731 --> 00:08:22,097 Dad, I really... Oh, come on. 198 00:08:22,164 --> 00:08:24,130 Allison, it's our tradition. 199 00:08:24,197 --> 00:08:25,731 Dad, I haven't even had breakfast yet. 200 00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:27,164 Oh, stop with the not having breakfast. 201 00:08:27,231 --> 00:08:28,431 Come on, I'll tell you what. 202 00:08:28,498 --> 00:08:30,764 We'll go get a doughnut on the way over. 203 00:08:30,831 --> 00:08:32,731 And by the way, the drier's gonna ding in a half hour, 204 00:08:32,798 --> 00:08:34,965 so you may wanna get that. 205 00:08:39,631 --> 00:08:40,865 Good morning. Hi. 206 00:08:40,931 --> 00:08:43,931 I'll take the pizza steak with the wiz and onions. 207 00:08:43,997 --> 00:08:46,331 And crisp cut fries with the wiz on it. 208 00:08:46,397 --> 00:08:48,631 And make sure I get some extra wiz on the side 209 00:08:48,698 --> 00:08:51,831 just to make absolutely sure that my heart stops beating before noon. 210 00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,464 (LAUGHS) 211 00:08:53,531 --> 00:08:55,197 Same for you, honey? 212 00:08:55,264 --> 00:08:57,498 Actually, I'll have a cheesesteak with peppers and onions, 213 00:08:57,564 --> 00:09:00,397 but hold the cheese and the steak, and also no bun. 214 00:09:00,464 --> 00:09:02,297 I think you just ordered air. 215 00:09:02,364 --> 00:09:04,364 Well, I gotta stop eating so much crap. 216 00:09:04,431 --> 00:09:06,097 What do you mean? You love this stuff. 217 00:09:06,164 --> 00:09:09,498 Hey, Maurice. Get some wiz into this kid pronto, will ya? 218 00:09:09,564 --> 00:09:11,264 (STAMMERING) What's the matter? 219 00:09:11,331 --> 00:09:14,030 Are you still depressed about the guy? Huh? 220 00:09:14,097 --> 00:09:15,698 Well, you know what? That's okay. 221 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,664 I want you to let it out. Cry it out to Daddy. 222 00:09:18,731 --> 00:09:21,698 Cry it all out. Daddy! 223 00:09:21,764 --> 00:09:24,898 That's it. Okay. Thank you, Maurice. 224 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,798 There you go. Okay. Come on over here. 225 00:09:29,064 --> 00:09:32,231 Oh! Hi! Hey! Hey, you guys! 226 00:09:32,297 --> 00:09:34,731 Hey! Hi. What are you two doing here? 227 00:09:34,798 --> 00:09:37,931 Oh, just picking up our 10-foot hoagie for the party tonight. 228 00:09:37,997 --> 00:09:39,064 Oh. Ooh! 229 00:09:39,130 --> 00:09:40,130 It's freezing out! 230 00:09:40,197 --> 00:09:41,264 (GROWLING) 231 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,965 Stop! 232 00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,831 I just can't help it. You're so cute when you're cold. 233 00:09:45,898 --> 00:09:47,931 Your nose is all red, your skin's all flaky, 234 00:09:47,997 --> 00:09:50,197 you have that little shiny snot stream coming down. 235 00:09:50,264 --> 00:09:51,664 It's adorable. 236 00:09:53,064 --> 00:09:55,264 Listen, if you guys change your minds about the party, 237 00:09:55,331 --> 00:09:57,297 the invitation is still open, all right? 238 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,164 Okay. All right. 239 00:10:02,798 --> 00:10:05,130 So, you had a nice talk with Mom last night? 240 00:10:05,197 --> 00:10:06,197 Yeah. That's good. 241 00:10:06,264 --> 00:10:07,297 It's important to talk it out. 242 00:10:07,364 --> 00:10:10,764 Your mom is an amazing lady. Very wise. 243 00:10:10,831 --> 00:10:12,064 Of course, when you left for school, 244 00:10:12,130 --> 00:10:14,064 she wasted no time bringing in a treadmill. 245 00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:16,664 That's just kinda gotta break your heart a little bit. 246 00:10:16,731 --> 00:10:18,898 Come on, over here. Big treadmill cry. 247 00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:20,164 It's fine. 248 00:10:20,231 --> 00:10:22,498 I actually ran on it this morning. 249 00:10:22,564 --> 00:10:25,531 You did? But we don't believe in physical fitness. 250 00:10:25,598 --> 00:10:29,231 It's a hoax, like those freaking hybrid cars. 251 00:10:29,297 --> 00:10:32,764 No, you don't believe in it. We're not the same person. 252 00:10:33,564 --> 00:10:35,231 Well, we kinda are. 253 00:10:35,297 --> 00:10:36,764 Well, I don't want to be. 254 00:10:36,831 --> 00:10:38,397 I talked to Ryan last night. 255 00:10:38,464 --> 00:10:40,231 You know why he broke up with me? Because of you! 256 00:10:40,297 --> 00:10:42,297 Me? He never even met me. 257 00:10:42,364 --> 00:10:44,164 He didn't have to. 258 00:10:44,231 --> 00:10:46,898 He said I was too dark and too negative and sarcastic. 259 00:10:46,965 --> 00:10:49,431 And where did I get that from? From you. 260 00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:53,498 (STAMMERING) I'm not negative. I'm provocative. 261 00:10:54,931 --> 00:10:57,431 I'm raw. I make people think. 262 00:10:57,498 --> 00:10:59,997 Okay. Most dads tell their little girls 263 00:11:00,064 --> 00:11:02,698 bedtime stories about princesses and fairies. 264 00:11:02,764 --> 00:11:05,331 You told me about the Cuban Missile Crisis. 265 00:11:05,397 --> 00:11:08,164 Yeah, but I did it in that delightful Ricky Ricardo voice. 266 00:11:08,231 --> 00:11:10,664 (IMITATING RICKY RICARDO) "Lucy, they're coming around with the missiles. 267 00:11:10,731 --> 00:11:12,030 "Listen to me now, Lucy." 268 00:11:12,097 --> 00:11:15,931 Come on. I mean, that is... You know, that's charming. 269 00:11:15,997 --> 00:11:19,130 Would you rather I was one of those nice, sweet, happy people? 270 00:11:19,197 --> 00:11:20,197 Come on. 271 00:11:20,264 --> 00:11:22,130 Yes! 272 00:11:22,197 --> 00:11:24,130 Growing up in our house, I didn't even know any different, 273 00:11:24,197 --> 00:11:26,598 but those people do exist. 274 00:11:26,664 --> 00:11:28,097 Ryan was one of them. 275 00:11:28,164 --> 00:11:29,931 But he was wrong for you. 276 00:11:29,997 --> 00:11:32,498 You hang out with people like that, you wind up being 277 00:11:32,564 --> 00:11:34,997 a grown man who celebrates his wife's mucus. 278 00:11:35,064 --> 00:11:36,798 Bye-bye! Bye! 279 00:11:39,997 --> 00:11:41,931 Well, I think that's nice. 280 00:11:41,997 --> 00:11:45,464 They seem nice, and normal and happy. 281 00:11:45,531 --> 00:11:48,064 You know what? I'm going to go to their party tonight. 282 00:11:48,130 --> 00:11:49,564 And I'm going to make a New Year's resolution. 283 00:11:49,631 --> 00:11:51,498 You know what it is? What? 284 00:11:51,564 --> 00:11:55,865 From now on, I'm going to be more like them and less like you. 285 00:11:55,931 --> 00:11:58,798 Look, I'm going to say this because I care. 286 00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:02,764 Is this your roommate's pot talking? 287 00:12:07,164 --> 00:12:08,965 * Ooh 288 00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:10,931 Happy New Year. 289 00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,564 Guess it's just you and me tonight. 290 00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:14,598 Yup. 291 00:12:14,664 --> 00:12:17,698 I'm sorry I drove our child away with my... 292 00:12:17,764 --> 00:12:19,164 Personality? 293 00:12:20,931 --> 00:12:22,197 Bingo. 294 00:12:23,030 --> 00:12:24,331 What you doing? 295 00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:26,764 I'm just thinking about the girl that Allison used to be. 296 00:12:26,831 --> 00:12:28,431 I found one of her old school notebooks, 297 00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,664 and the first thing I turned to 298 00:12:29,731 --> 00:12:32,331 is this essay she wrote about the universe 299 00:12:32,397 --> 00:12:35,097 and how pointless it all is. 300 00:12:35,164 --> 00:12:36,898 She was quite a 10-year-old. 301 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,831 Yes, she was. 302 00:12:38,898 --> 00:12:40,965 Oh. Look at this. 303 00:12:42,664 --> 00:12:46,130 Remember how she used to "rage against the machines"? 304 00:12:48,664 --> 00:12:51,297 Yeah. You do know that's a band, right? 305 00:12:56,997 --> 00:12:58,264 I do now. 306 00:13:00,831 --> 00:13:02,397 You know, I was just thinking, 307 00:13:02,464 --> 00:13:04,297 we really don't have that much time left with her. 308 00:13:04,364 --> 00:13:05,598 What are you talking about? 309 00:13:05,664 --> 00:13:07,331 Well, she's in college now, right? 310 00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:09,397 So, the only time we're really going to see her is 311 00:13:09,464 --> 00:13:11,865 during the holidays, spring break, 312 00:13:11,931 --> 00:13:14,731 graduation, her wedding, 313 00:13:14,798 --> 00:13:16,331 the birth of her child. 314 00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:21,097 I'm counting 18 more days with her for the rest of our lives. 315 00:13:21,164 --> 00:13:24,631 This is the dark stuff that she doesn't like, right? Okay. 316 00:13:24,698 --> 00:13:26,831 How are we going to fix this? 317 00:13:28,231 --> 00:13:30,798 Want to try to find her roommate's pot? 318 00:13:34,631 --> 00:13:39,598 Or, we could stop talking about the girl that Allison was 319 00:13:39,664 --> 00:13:42,731 and start thinking about the girl Allison wants to be. 320 00:13:44,431 --> 00:13:48,997 Come on. Let's go to the Woodcocks' party. Let's try to act happy. 321 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,364 Or... 322 00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:53,498 Eddie. 323 00:13:53,564 --> 00:13:55,030 All right. All right. Fine. 324 00:13:55,097 --> 00:13:57,764 We'll go throw confetti in the air like a bunch of morons 325 00:13:57,831 --> 00:14:00,431 because the Earth made it around the sun on more time. 326 00:14:00,498 --> 00:14:02,030 Eddie. Last time. Last time. 327 00:14:02,097 --> 00:14:04,197 I'm just getting it out of my system. 328 00:14:04,264 --> 00:14:07,297 This is going to be the best New Year's ever. 329 00:14:07,364 --> 00:14:08,664 (CROWS) 330 00:14:08,731 --> 00:14:09,931 (LAUGHS) 331 00:14:13,431 --> 00:14:16,965 ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! 332 00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,331 Oh, my God. Were we being too loud? 333 00:14:18,397 --> 00:14:19,931 You didn't call the cops, did you? 334 00:14:19,997 --> 00:14:22,865 Hell, no. We are here to party! 335 00:14:22,931 --> 00:14:24,965 ALL: Happy New Year! 336 00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:26,931 (ALL CHEERING) 337 00:14:26,997 --> 00:14:28,531 (LAUGHING) 338 00:14:28,598 --> 00:14:31,997 Wow! So, what's going on? My watch says 10:30. 339 00:14:32,064 --> 00:14:34,030 Oh, instead of waiting for midnight, 340 00:14:34,097 --> 00:14:36,564 we celebrate New Year's in each approaching time zone. 341 00:14:36,631 --> 00:14:39,564 Right now, it's New Year's in Newfoundland. 342 00:14:39,631 --> 00:14:41,598 (BLOWS HORN) 343 00:14:41,664 --> 00:14:42,831 What are you guys doing here? 344 00:14:42,898 --> 00:14:44,898 Hey. Hey. There she is. 345 00:14:44,965 --> 00:14:47,164 You know what? We think that you had a point 346 00:14:47,231 --> 00:14:49,865 that maybe we're just being a little too dark, so all of that is over. 347 00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,164 Right? Yeah. Right, hon? 348 00:14:51,231 --> 00:14:53,297 Yeah. Absolutely. We're here to party. 349 00:14:53,364 --> 00:14:55,130 As Kool once said to his gang, 350 00:14:55,197 --> 00:14:57,531 "Celebrate good times. Come on!" 351 00:14:59,197 --> 00:15:00,764 Are you guys serious? 352 00:15:00,831 --> 00:15:04,997 Oh, I'm as serious as a ship off Newfoundland in a big storm. 353 00:15:05,064 --> 00:15:06,831 Hey! A hat! 354 00:15:08,798 --> 00:15:12,564 All right, people. Time to break out the limbo stick. 355 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,030 All CHANTING: Russ! Russ! Russ! Russ! 356 00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:20,865 Russ! Russ! Eddie! Eddie! 357 00:15:20,931 --> 00:15:24,364 Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! 358 00:15:24,431 --> 00:15:25,798 Take it in there. Bend down. 359 00:15:25,865 --> 00:15:27,164 You come up to me. 360 00:15:27,231 --> 00:15:29,231 ALL: Eddie! Eddie! 361 00:15:29,297 --> 00:15:32,197 Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy! 362 00:15:33,731 --> 00:15:36,164 (ALL CHEERING) 363 00:15:41,631 --> 00:15:44,431 My New Year's resolutions are: 364 00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:47,097 I'm gonna lose two pounds, 365 00:15:47,164 --> 00:15:50,297 I'm gonna master Quicken, 366 00:15:50,364 --> 00:15:55,564 and I'm gonna do what I can to help save all the wild horses. 367 00:15:55,631 --> 00:15:57,030 (ALL EXCLAIM) 368 00:16:01,431 --> 00:16:02,564 Eddie? 369 00:16:02,631 --> 00:16:06,664 Oh, uh, wow, okay. Um... 370 00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:09,264 I, too, would like to lose two pounds. 371 00:16:10,364 --> 00:16:12,498 What else? 372 00:16:12,564 --> 00:16:15,264 I'm gonna start to look at rainbows. 373 00:16:19,931 --> 00:16:25,130 But I mean, really look at them for the first time in my life, 374 00:16:25,197 --> 00:16:27,331 and not just the ones up in the sky, 375 00:16:27,397 --> 00:16:31,598 even the ones on oil slicks, or stickers, 376 00:16:31,664 --> 00:16:33,898 or roast beef when it's gone bad. 377 00:16:34,631 --> 00:16:35,831 (CLEARS THROAT) 378 00:16:35,898 --> 00:16:39,831 * Something strange In the neighborhood 379 00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:41,431 * Who ya gonna call? 380 00:16:41,498 --> 00:16:42,898 BOTH: * Ghostbusters! 381 00:16:42,965 --> 00:16:45,030 (GHOSTBUSTERS THEME PLAYING) 382 00:16:46,331 --> 00:16:47,831 BOTH: * I ain't afraid of no ghost * 383 00:16:47,898 --> 00:16:49,064 (WHOOPS) 384 00:16:50,598 --> 00:16:51,965 (WHOOPS) 385 00:16:52,030 --> 00:16:53,531 Thank you! 386 00:16:55,831 --> 00:16:58,564 You okay, Dad? That was a pretty intense set. 387 00:16:58,631 --> 00:16:59,997 Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm. 388 00:17:00,064 --> 00:17:02,464 I'm fine. I'm just getting started. 389 00:17:02,531 --> 00:17:04,997 Okay, everybody, everybody. Steph! Steph, come here. 390 00:17:05,064 --> 00:17:07,865 It's a few minutes to midnight, 391 00:17:07,931 --> 00:17:10,431 and one of our Minnesota traditions is, 392 00:17:10,498 --> 00:17:13,564 I dress up as an old man symbolizing the old year, 393 00:17:13,631 --> 00:17:16,764 and somebody else dresses up as Baby New Year! 394 00:17:16,831 --> 00:17:19,331 So who wants to put on a diaper? 395 00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:24,231 Come on, we need somebody with really nice legs. 396 00:17:24,965 --> 00:17:26,831 Hey, people, it's fun! 397 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:31,164 Diaper me. 398 00:17:33,264 --> 00:17:34,464 * Oh 399 00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:37,598 Okay, stop hopping and just step into it. 400 00:17:37,664 --> 00:17:39,164 Well, I can't find the hole. 401 00:17:39,231 --> 00:17:42,965 Hold the diaper... Hold the diaper steady! 402 00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:46,231 Oh, God, I just flashed on us 30 years from now. 403 00:17:50,097 --> 00:17:52,764 Okay, all right. Here, hold this. 404 00:17:52,831 --> 00:17:53,931 Hold this, right? Okay. All right. 405 00:17:53,997 --> 00:17:55,798 Right? Okay? Yeah. 406 00:17:55,865 --> 00:17:58,030 (GRUNTING) 407 00:17:58,097 --> 00:18:00,831 That's not diaper you're tugging, that's me! 408 00:18:01,798 --> 00:18:03,431 All right, well, stop fighting me! 409 00:18:03,498 --> 00:18:07,064 I am trying to fit a lot of stuff into a small space here. 410 00:18:07,965 --> 00:18:09,297 I hear ya. 411 00:18:10,764 --> 00:18:11,798 Hold this. 412 00:18:11,865 --> 00:18:13,531 No! Look, look, you're rubbing me raw. 413 00:18:13,598 --> 00:18:16,331 Can you see if they have any Vaseline? 414 00:18:16,397 --> 00:18:18,097 Okay, you know what? Stop. 415 00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:21,030 I care for you very deeply, 416 00:18:21,097 --> 00:18:25,631 and I support everything you are trying to do right now, but... 417 00:18:25,698 --> 00:18:30,731 This is going to be very hard for me to unsee. 418 00:18:32,931 --> 00:18:34,731 And I would like to make love to you 419 00:18:34,798 --> 00:18:38,331 at some point in the future, so I'm going to go. 420 00:18:39,664 --> 00:18:42,064 Look, you gotta... She said... 421 00:18:43,064 --> 00:18:44,498 (KNOCK ON DOOR) What? 422 00:18:46,197 --> 00:18:47,331 Oh, hi, honey. Dad? 423 00:18:47,397 --> 00:18:48,464 Yes, yes. 424 00:18:54,598 --> 00:18:55,698 Hey... 425 00:18:57,130 --> 00:18:58,997 This is fun. 426 00:18:59,064 --> 00:19:01,164 The new me. I'm a big baby! 427 00:19:03,064 --> 00:19:04,397 Yeah, um... 428 00:19:05,698 --> 00:19:08,431 You don't have to do this for me. 429 00:19:08,498 --> 00:19:10,130 What? 430 00:19:10,197 --> 00:19:12,798 Look, I know you're trying to act all happy and excited 431 00:19:12,865 --> 00:19:15,798 because I said that's what I wanted, 432 00:19:15,865 --> 00:19:18,297 but now that I see it, 433 00:19:18,364 --> 00:19:22,197 you in a diaper is worse than any dark side I could ever imagine. 434 00:19:23,831 --> 00:19:25,331 This just isn't you, 435 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:29,631 and after a few hours here, this isn't really me, either. 436 00:19:32,264 --> 00:19:34,664 Dad, can you put your shirt on? 437 00:19:34,731 --> 00:19:36,297 Of course. 438 00:19:37,297 --> 00:19:38,498 Sorry. 439 00:19:39,197 --> 00:19:40,764 (CHUCKLES) 440 00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,865 (SOFTLY) Okay. Excuse me. 441 00:19:52,030 --> 00:19:54,464 I'm sorry about what I said. 442 00:19:54,531 --> 00:19:58,564 I got dumped and I was upset and I just lashed out at you. 443 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,030 (SOFTLY) It's okay. 444 00:20:00,097 --> 00:20:04,865 But you're a big, angry, dark, wonderful dad. 445 00:20:04,931 --> 00:20:07,231 And I'm proud that I'm like you. 446 00:20:07,965 --> 00:20:08,965 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 447 00:20:09,030 --> 00:20:11,631 Come on, Eddie, 30 seconds to midnight. 448 00:20:13,531 --> 00:20:16,297 My dad's not going to dress up like a baby, Jeff. 449 00:20:16,364 --> 00:20:18,464 Yeah, I was chafing pretty bad. 450 00:20:18,531 --> 00:20:19,698 What? 451 00:20:19,764 --> 00:20:23,231 You're going to bail on us? I can't believe this! 452 00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:27,130 Okay, everybody, our big baby just punched us right in the shorts! 453 00:20:29,431 --> 00:20:31,731 Wow, it's pretty great when that guy gets angry. 454 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,397 Oh, it's the best. 455 00:20:33,464 --> 00:20:35,698 You know, sometimes during car pool, he'll try to get in the car 456 00:20:35,764 --> 00:20:38,231 and I just keep inching forward like that. 457 00:20:38,297 --> 00:20:39,898 He goes ballistic. It's heaven. 458 00:20:39,965 --> 00:20:41,097 (GIGGLES) 459 00:20:41,164 --> 00:20:42,464 PEOPLE: Happy New Year! 460 00:20:42,531 --> 00:20:43,764 (ALL CHEERING) 461 00:20:43,831 --> 00:20:44,965 Happy New Year, Dad. 462 00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:46,231 (PEOPLE APPLAUDING) 463 00:20:46,297 --> 00:20:48,397 Happy New Year, honey. 464 00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:49,865 Come here. 465 00:20:51,231 --> 00:20:52,831 Thank you. 466 00:20:56,397 --> 00:20:59,564 Okay, here we go. "Dear Ryan." 467 00:20:59,631 --> 00:21:01,931 No, no, no. "Dear Assface." 468 00:21:03,598 --> 00:21:05,631 Oh, sorry. Too dark still? 469 00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:09,164 No, I just think that "assface" is going to be too strong out of the gate. 470 00:21:09,231 --> 00:21:11,397 You know, I want him to read the whole thing. 471 00:21:11,464 --> 00:21:14,231 Smart. Well-played. We'll end with "assface". 472 00:21:15,331 --> 00:21:16,865 No, I disagree. 473 00:21:16,931 --> 00:21:18,931 I mean, what are you going to say? 474 00:21:18,997 --> 00:21:23,197 "I'm so hurt, I'm so sad, you hurt my feelings, blah, blah, blah." 475 00:21:23,264 --> 00:21:25,631 I say cut to the chase. 476 00:21:25,698 --> 00:21:29,598 "Dear Assface, suck it. See you in hell." 477 00:21:31,397 --> 00:21:32,664 Listen to your mother. 478 00:21:32,731 --> 00:21:34,498 (EXCLAIMS) I love you guys. 479 00:21:34,564 --> 00:21:35,598 Nah. 34991

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