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www.tvsubtitles.net
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* Yeah, hey
3
00:00:02,895 --> 00:00:03,928
* Hoo, hoo
4
00:00:03,994 --> 00:00:05,461
* Ooh
5
00:00:05,528 --> 00:00:06,561
You want some ice cream?
6
00:00:06,628 --> 00:00:09,194
Hmm? No, thanks.
7
00:00:24,127 --> 00:00:26,428
I thought you said
you didn't want any.
8
00:00:26,495 --> 00:00:27,994
This is all I'm having.
9
00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:29,328
I'm fine.
10
00:00:32,962 --> 00:00:35,695
You wanna maybe crush
some Oreos on that?
11
00:00:37,194 --> 00:00:39,862
Do you want me
to crush some Oreos on it?
12
00:00:39,928 --> 00:00:41,294
Me?
13
00:00:41,361 --> 00:00:42,928
No, I was... No.
14
00:00:42,994 --> 00:00:44,061
I was just thinking that
15
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,194
it would make it
more delicious for you.
16
00:00:47,561 --> 00:00:48,695
I'm getting you
your own bowl.
17
00:00:48,761 --> 00:00:50,461
No, I don't want
my own bowl.
18
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:51,895
I'm on a diet.
19
00:00:51,962 --> 00:00:53,728
Okay, but you do realize
20
00:00:53,795 --> 00:00:55,294
that when you're
eating ice cream,
21
00:00:55,361 --> 00:00:57,261
even though
it's out of my bowl,
22
00:00:57,328 --> 00:00:59,328
that you're still putting
calories in your mouth
23
00:00:59,394 --> 00:01:02,361
which are going to come
to rest on your rear end.
24
00:01:03,094 --> 00:01:04,528
Wow. Nice.
25
00:01:04,595 --> 00:01:06,895
You should really be
a life coach.
26
00:01:06,962 --> 00:01:08,228
I'm just trying
to put an end
27
00:01:08,294 --> 00:01:09,895
to this
one-bowl-of-ice-cream dance
28
00:01:09,962 --> 00:01:12,027
that we've been doing
for 20 years.
29
00:01:12,094 --> 00:01:14,661
Yeah, all right, Eddie.
It's a dance. Okay?
30
00:01:14,728 --> 00:01:17,595
I don't get
my own bowl of ice cream.
I take some of yours.
31
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:20,461
I don't lose the weight,
but I get to feel good
about myself anyway.
32
00:01:20,528 --> 00:01:22,161
Is that so wrong?
33
00:01:22,228 --> 00:01:24,862
You know what?
You're right. I'm sorry.
34
00:01:24,928 --> 00:01:26,461
Tell you what.
I've got a good idea.
35
00:01:26,528 --> 00:01:29,061
Why don't I go get myself
another bowl of ice cream?
36
00:01:29,127 --> 00:01:31,828
Then I'll hand it to you,
and then I'll finish
my first bowl,
37
00:01:31,895 --> 00:01:33,361
and then it will look
like I've had two
38
00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:34,928
and you've had none.
39
00:01:38,428 --> 00:01:39,862
Thank you.
40
00:01:42,361 --> 00:01:43,928
* All right!
41
00:01:43,994 --> 00:01:44,994
* Hey!
42
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:47,795
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
43
00:01:50,294 --> 00:01:53,461
* Yop, dop, dee-bop
Yop, dop, dee-bop
44
00:01:53,528 --> 00:01:54,528
* Ow!
45
00:01:57,761 --> 00:01:59,928
What do you got
going on there?
A fruit bowl?
46
00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:01,294
Yeah.
47
00:02:01,361 --> 00:02:03,595
Well, I'll look forward
to throwing that out
in four days.
48
00:02:11,595 --> 00:02:12,994
Why'd you unplug
the toaster?
49
00:02:13,061 --> 00:02:14,528
Well, look, it says here,
50
00:02:14,595 --> 00:02:16,728
"Thanks for helping
the environment
by using paper bags.
51
00:02:16,795 --> 00:02:18,027
"Other tip:
Save electricity
52
00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:20,428
"by unplugging
unused appliances."
53
00:02:20,495 --> 00:02:21,695
Uh-huh.
54
00:02:25,261 --> 00:02:26,461
What are you doing?
55
00:02:26,528 --> 00:02:27,928
Hey, if you think
I'm plugging this thing in
56
00:02:27,994 --> 00:02:29,027
every time I want
a piece of toast,
57
00:02:29,094 --> 00:02:30,795
you're out of your mind.
58
00:02:30,862 --> 00:02:32,027
It takes
like two seconds!
59
00:02:32,094 --> 00:02:33,261
Yeah, and that's
two seconds
60
00:02:33,328 --> 00:02:35,294
more than I have,
lady, okay?
61
00:02:35,361 --> 00:02:37,094
Go with me on this one.
I'm just trying to save
a little electricity.
62
00:02:37,161 --> 00:02:38,928
Joy, the toaster is off.
63
00:02:38,994 --> 00:02:40,394
Nothing's happening.
64
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,228
You're not gonna save
electricity by unplugging it.
65
00:02:42,294 --> 00:02:44,962
Yeah? The bag
says it does.
66
00:02:45,027 --> 00:02:48,094
Oh! The grocery bag
says it.
67
00:02:48,161 --> 00:02:49,795
Well, then
it must be true.
68
00:02:49,862 --> 00:02:51,561
Because the bag people
broke Watergate,
69
00:02:51,628 --> 00:02:53,828
and now it's this, so...
70
00:02:55,228 --> 00:02:56,761
Just think about it, okay?
71
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:58,228
If the toaster
is plugged in,
72
00:02:58,294 --> 00:02:59,394
it could be
doing something.
73
00:02:59,461 --> 00:03:01,994
It could be sucking juice
from the outlet.
74
00:03:02,061 --> 00:03:03,561
Juice?
75
00:03:03,628 --> 00:03:05,661
Wow. Juice. Okay.
76
00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,094
Let me show you
something, darling.
77
00:03:07,161 --> 00:03:08,394
Come here. Let me
show you something about
78
00:03:08,461 --> 00:03:09,828
electricity
and how it works.
79
00:03:09,895 --> 00:03:12,728
Electricity,
it's like a river. Okay?
80
00:03:12,795 --> 00:03:15,061
It goes down here
over to the toaster.
81
00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:16,728
This is where you have
the electrical current.
82
00:03:16,795 --> 00:03:19,261
And these are amps.
83
00:03:19,328 --> 00:03:22,994
Mmm-hmm. Why don't
I just talk directly
to your ass,
84
00:03:23,061 --> 00:03:25,127
because that's
where you're pulling
this information from.
85
00:03:25,194 --> 00:03:27,294
Yeah. I wouldn't
go down there right now.
86
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,394
All I'm trying to do
87
00:03:32,461 --> 00:03:34,261
is to get you
to stop saying "juice"
88
00:03:34,328 --> 00:03:36,127
so you don't embarrass
the hell out of yourself.
89
00:03:36,194 --> 00:03:38,962
I am not going
to be embarrassed
because I am right.
90
00:03:39,027 --> 00:03:40,994
Oh. You mean
like you were right
91
00:03:41,061 --> 00:03:43,828
when you thought
that there was a real animal
called a "rascal"?
92
00:03:45,328 --> 00:03:47,928
I knew you were
going to bring up the rascal.
93
00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:49,127
What did you think
it was again?
94
00:03:49,194 --> 00:03:51,795
A cross between
a badger and a raccoon?
95
00:03:51,862 --> 00:03:53,328
I don't know.
96
00:03:53,394 --> 00:03:56,194
I had a very
bad Scout leader.
97
00:03:56,261 --> 00:03:58,061
And when did you become
environment girl, huh?
98
00:03:58,127 --> 00:04:00,628
You think you're
gonna save the planet
by unplugging stuff?
99
00:04:00,695 --> 00:04:03,261
I'm gonna tell you
the same thing
I tell my students,
100
00:04:03,328 --> 00:04:06,061
one person cannot
make a difference.
101
00:04:08,194 --> 00:04:10,061
You know what?
You know what?
102
00:04:10,127 --> 00:04:12,695
I just want you to entertain
the notion for one second
103
00:04:12,761 --> 00:04:14,595
that you might be
wrong about this.
104
00:04:14,661 --> 00:04:16,328
Okay. One, one thousand... No.
105
00:04:16,394 --> 00:04:17,528
Hey!
106
00:04:17,595 --> 00:04:18,928
Listen,
this is absurd!
107
00:04:18,994 --> 00:04:21,761
Unplugging our toaster
is gonna save electricity.
108
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,361
I have got information
to back me up.
109
00:04:23,428 --> 00:04:26,461
You've got a brown bag
with a dancing cow on it.
110
00:04:26,528 --> 00:04:28,228
And until you have
something better,
111
00:04:28,294 --> 00:04:29,528
I am unplugging
this thing.
112
00:04:29,595 --> 00:04:31,928
And I'm plugging it back in.
Hey!
113
00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:35,027
You touch this,
and you die.
114
00:04:41,161 --> 00:04:42,761
I'm touching it!
115
00:04:45,761 --> 00:04:47,061
* Hey, hey,
116
00:04:47,127 --> 00:04:49,261
* What you pulling?
What you pulling?
117
00:04:49,328 --> 00:04:50,628
* All right
118
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,528
Hey, Eddie.
Hey, Woodcock.
119
00:04:56,595 --> 00:04:58,862
Have you seen
that little weird
science teacher around?
120
00:04:58,928 --> 00:05:00,761
You mean Tom Franklin?
121
00:05:00,828 --> 00:05:02,194
Tom Franklin?
122
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,461
Oh, this is awkward.
I think I just ate his lunch.
123
00:05:09,061 --> 00:05:10,728
I haven't seen him.
What do you need him for?
124
00:05:10,795 --> 00:05:12,528
Well, Joy and I
got into this argument,
125
00:05:12,595 --> 00:05:14,194
and I need him to confirm
126
00:05:14,261 --> 00:05:16,127
a science-related
question for me.
127
00:05:16,194 --> 00:05:17,461
I was hoping
I could talk to him now
128
00:05:17,528 --> 00:05:18,928
so I can call
Joy at work,
129
00:05:18,994 --> 00:05:22,294
tell her how right I was,
and maybe ruin her lunch.
130
00:05:22,361 --> 00:05:25,228
Okay, well, this might be
a silly question,
131
00:05:25,294 --> 00:05:27,928
but why do you care so much
about being right?
132
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,628
Why do I care
about being right?
133
00:05:29,695 --> 00:05:31,628
Because it's fantastic.
134
00:05:31,695 --> 00:05:33,561
I've never felt
more alive in my life
135
00:05:33,628 --> 00:05:36,328
than when I'm showing
the woman I love
how wrong she is.
136
00:05:37,761 --> 00:05:39,194
You tell me I'm right,
I could...
137
00:05:39,261 --> 00:05:42,228
I could throw a van
over a building.
138
00:05:42,294 --> 00:05:44,061
You know, Eddie,
one day, me and Steph,
139
00:05:44,127 --> 00:05:45,561
we're gonna have kids.
140
00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:47,862
And I'm gonna ask you
to stay away from them.
141
00:05:49,161 --> 00:05:50,261
Well, that's too bad
142
00:05:50,328 --> 00:05:52,461
'cause I'm like
a 6'8" Mary Poppins.
143
00:05:55,561 --> 00:05:57,828
Oh, this is probably
against my better judgment,
144
00:05:57,895 --> 00:06:00,094
but I'm throwing
a surprise birthday party
145
00:06:00,161 --> 00:06:01,194
for Steph on Saturday night,
146
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,795
and I wanted to invite you.
147
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,761
Oh, a surprise party?
148
00:06:05,261 --> 00:06:06,328
What?
149
00:06:06,394 --> 00:06:07,761
Well, it's just,
you know,
150
00:06:07,828 --> 00:06:10,294
surprise parties
are inherently hostile.
151
00:06:10,361 --> 00:06:12,728
You know? You gotta pretend
you forgot their birthday,
152
00:06:12,795 --> 00:06:15,394
and that just makes
the victim upset, and...
153
00:06:15,461 --> 00:06:18,561
And the conversation
at the surprise parties
are brutal.
154
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,795
"Hey, hey, hey! Well, gosh,
were you surprised?"
155
00:06:20,862 --> 00:06:22,962
"Yeah, I was surprised.
I hate half the people here."
156
00:06:23,027 --> 00:06:25,695
I mean, it just
doesn't make any sense.
157
00:06:27,061 --> 00:06:28,328
You're gonna come?
158
00:06:28,394 --> 00:06:31,361
Yeah, why not? We got
nothing else going on.
159
00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:34,828
Hey! There's the guy!
160
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,328
Tom Franklin.
Tom Franklin!
161
00:06:37,394 --> 00:06:39,495
How are you? Eddie Stark.
We, for some reason,
162
00:06:39,561 --> 00:06:42,461
don't make eye-contact
at the faculty events.
163
00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:43,828
But, how ya doing?
164
00:06:43,895 --> 00:06:46,628
(STAMMERING)
Ah, yeah. It's good.
165
00:06:47,661 --> 00:06:48,795
Great.
166
00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:50,528
Yeah, I'm still living
over in Manayunk.
167
00:06:50,595 --> 00:06:51,862
Oh, you're still there?
Yeah.
168
00:06:51,928 --> 00:06:53,528
Nice. Yeah.
Good for you.
169
00:06:53,595 --> 00:06:55,461
Yeah, I got my bachelor pad
over there.
170
00:06:55,528 --> 00:06:56,661
(EXCLAIMS)
171
00:06:56,728 --> 00:06:58,294
I still haven't found
the one yet,
172
00:06:58,361 --> 00:06:59,528
but I'm out there dating.
173
00:06:59,595 --> 00:07:01,962
I'm not shutting myself off
to any possibilities.
174
00:07:02,027 --> 00:07:03,361
Yeah, that sounds smart.
175
00:07:03,428 --> 00:07:04,461
Hey, what...
176
00:07:04,528 --> 00:07:06,294
You know,
it's a nice life.
177
00:07:06,361 --> 00:07:09,027
I bike to work.
And I don't have
a ton of friends,
178
00:07:09,094 --> 00:07:10,428
but the two I have...
179
00:07:10,495 --> 00:07:12,461
Really close.
180
00:07:12,528 --> 00:07:14,061
Yeah. Yeah.
Good for you.
181
00:07:14,127 --> 00:07:16,394
You know, I have
an easy science question
182
00:07:16,461 --> 00:07:17,595
for you, Todd...
Tom.
183
00:07:17,661 --> 00:07:20,228
Tom.
In your opinion,
184
00:07:20,294 --> 00:07:23,828
if a toaster is plugged in
but it's not turned on,
185
00:07:23,895 --> 00:07:25,728
is it using electricity?
186
00:07:25,795 --> 00:07:26,928
Well, no.
If a toaster's off,
187
00:07:26,994 --> 00:07:29,528
it's not using
any electricity.
188
00:07:29,595 --> 00:07:31,728
Even if it's plugged in?
189
00:07:31,795 --> 00:07:32,828
Yes.
190
00:07:32,895 --> 00:07:34,661
(LAUGHING)
I knew it!
191
00:07:34,728 --> 00:07:36,328
Thank you.
Sure.
192
00:07:36,394 --> 00:07:37,862
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
193
00:07:37,928 --> 00:07:40,361
Turns out I am
wide open after work.
194
00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:41,428
You wanna be my wing man
195
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:43,595
over at Fuddruckers
tonight?
196
00:07:45,495 --> 00:07:48,994
You know, I can't,
because I gotta go...
197
00:07:49,061 --> 00:07:50,628
You know what
would be fun?
198
00:07:50,695 --> 00:07:52,828
Why don't you come
over to my house
199
00:07:52,895 --> 00:07:54,628
for dinner tonight?
200
00:07:55,695 --> 00:07:57,428
Oh, that would be
delightful.
201
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:03,561
(JINGLE PLAYING)
202
00:08:04,561 --> 00:08:05,728
(EXCLAIMS)
203
00:08:05,795 --> 00:08:07,228
This is great, Joy.
204
00:08:07,294 --> 00:08:08,628
Thank you.
205
00:08:09,528 --> 00:08:10,795
Mmm-hmm.
206
00:08:13,828 --> 00:08:16,828
And thank you, Tom,
for bringing over
207
00:08:16,895 --> 00:08:18,094
the homemade ketchup.
208
00:08:20,394 --> 00:08:22,161
So,
209
00:08:22,228 --> 00:08:24,061
Eddie just invited
you over, huh?
210
00:08:24,127 --> 00:08:26,228
I did. Hey, Tom, hit me
with a little more
211
00:08:26,294 --> 00:08:28,061
of that red thunder.
212
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:34,094
So Eddie tells me
that you might have
213
00:08:34,161 --> 00:08:36,661
some single women
to set me up with.
214
00:08:39,495 --> 00:08:41,761
I don't know how much
he's told you about me.
215
00:08:41,828 --> 00:08:43,862
Not a lot.
No, not a lot.
216
00:08:43,928 --> 00:08:46,595
Well, I'm a bit of
a weatherist.
217
00:08:46,661 --> 00:08:48,928
Any time you come
to my apartment,
218
00:08:48,994 --> 00:08:51,228
The Weather Channel
will be on.
219
00:08:55,728 --> 00:08:57,428
Yeah, you know,
Tom is a science teacher.
220
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,528
Did I not mention that?
221
00:08:58,595 --> 00:09:01,127
And he knows a lot
about electricity.
222
00:09:01,962 --> 00:09:04,428
Oh, my God!
223
00:09:04,495 --> 00:09:06,294
Funny thing, the other day
we were chatting,
224
00:09:06,361 --> 00:09:08,495
and we just started
talking about toasters,
225
00:09:08,561 --> 00:09:10,194
I don't remember
how it came up,
226
00:09:10,261 --> 00:09:11,595
and then
the conversation turned
227
00:09:11,661 --> 00:09:13,561
to whether or not
a toaster,
228
00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:16,461
when not on,
uses electricity.
229
00:09:16,528 --> 00:09:18,261
And what
did you say, Tom?
230
00:09:18,328 --> 00:09:20,962
I said, no. No electricity
was being used.
231
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:24,094
Mmm-hmm.
Kiss your mama
at the bus stop
232
00:09:24,161 --> 00:09:26,061
'cause I'm taking you
to school!
233
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:32,361
Could I see you
in the kitchen
for just a second, please?
234
00:09:32,428 --> 00:09:33,862
Absolutely.
235
00:09:33,928 --> 00:09:35,495
Excuse us, will you?
236
00:09:35,561 --> 00:09:38,027
Fabulous.
237
00:09:38,094 --> 00:09:41,561
This is why you
bring ketchup man
into our house?
238
00:09:41,628 --> 00:09:42,962
I cannot
believe you.
239
00:09:43,027 --> 00:09:45,094
Well, you know what?
It doesn't matter anymore.
240
00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:48,228
Because the argument is over,
and I'm right.
241
00:09:48,795 --> 00:09:49,828
Yes.
242
00:09:49,895 --> 00:09:51,595
Oh! Mmm!
243
00:09:51,661 --> 00:09:52,661
Wow.
244
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,127
That feels good.
245
00:09:56,194 --> 00:09:58,361
Hey! You guys up
for a gelato run?
246
00:09:58,428 --> 00:09:59,661
Not only am I up for it,
247
00:09:59,728 --> 00:10:02,027
but I'm buying,
superstar!
248
00:10:05,461 --> 00:10:07,094
Is this the toaster
you were telling me about?
249
00:10:07,161 --> 00:10:08,361
That's her.
250
00:10:08,428 --> 00:10:10,161
Yeah, that's a pretty
new one.
251
00:10:10,228 --> 00:10:12,161
This one would
actually use electricity
252
00:10:12,228 --> 00:10:13,695
even when it's off.
253
00:10:13,761 --> 00:10:15,795
No, I don't think so.
254
00:10:15,862 --> 00:10:17,094
(STAMMERING)
255
00:10:17,161 --> 00:10:19,161
One more time,
if you will, please?
256
00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:21,895
Yes, these have
little microchips
and timers in them,
257
00:10:21,962 --> 00:10:24,994
so they're using a bit
of power all the time.
258
00:10:25,061 --> 00:10:27,161
I guess I assumed
you had an old one.
259
00:10:27,228 --> 00:10:28,461
Hmm!
260
00:10:34,194 --> 00:10:36,528
Okay, so I guess
we'll agree to disagree.
261
00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,194
No, no, no, no.
Don't think that we will.
262
00:10:38,261 --> 00:10:40,094
I think, actually,
you should phone your mama,
263
00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:41,661
and have her come
pick you up early,
264
00:10:41,728 --> 00:10:44,228
'cause it's looking
like a snow day!
265
00:10:50,261 --> 00:10:51,561
Oh, yeah.
266
00:10:53,328 --> 00:10:55,094
That does feel good.
267
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:04,394
Okay, who can tell me
what prompted America
268
00:11:04,461 --> 00:11:06,695
to get involved
in World War I?
269
00:11:07,795 --> 00:11:09,027
Kenny Weinberg.
We get it.
270
00:11:09,094 --> 00:11:11,661
You know everything.
Put your hand down.
271
00:11:12,361 --> 00:11:13,561
Anyone?
272
00:11:15,695 --> 00:11:17,895
Anybody?
273
00:11:22,161 --> 00:11:23,795
Wayne, you wanna come out
from behind the hair
274
00:11:23,862 --> 00:11:25,928
and tell us
what you got?
275
00:11:25,994 --> 00:11:29,595
Wasn't it, like,
the assassination
of that duke?
276
00:11:29,661 --> 00:11:33,962
Oh, you're referring
to the assassination
of Archduke Ferdinand?
277
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,761
Yeah, that guy.
Good answer.
278
00:11:35,828 --> 00:11:37,127
Good answer.
279
00:11:37,194 --> 00:11:39,361
If the question
was about Europe,
280
00:11:39,428 --> 00:11:40,661
but the question was
281
00:11:40,728 --> 00:11:43,495
what got America
to join the war?
282
00:11:43,561 --> 00:11:48,461
And the answer is
the sinking of the Lusitania,
and you were wrong.
283
00:11:48,528 --> 00:11:50,394
Oh, that's gotta hurt!
284
00:11:54,761 --> 00:11:57,528
I'm sorry, but you didn't
really assign us
that chapter yet.
285
00:11:57,595 --> 00:11:59,161
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that might be true,
286
00:11:59,228 --> 00:12:01,461
but the fact still remains
that you were very wrong,
287
00:12:01,528 --> 00:12:04,994
and I knew the answer,
so I was very right!
288
00:12:05,061 --> 00:12:06,461
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
289
00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:10,962
Would you get
a whiff of that?
290
00:12:11,027 --> 00:12:14,061
It's the sweet smell
of learning.
291
00:12:14,127 --> 00:12:15,394
I just came by
to give you an update
292
00:12:15,461 --> 00:12:17,027
on Steph's
surprise party.
293
00:12:17,094 --> 00:12:18,928
Oh, goody.
Yeah.
294
00:12:18,994 --> 00:12:21,027
It's gonna be at
Cantina Mexicana.
295
00:12:21,094 --> 00:12:23,428
We're gonna get there
at 8:00, so make sure
you're there by 7:30,
296
00:12:23,495 --> 00:12:24,695
so Steph doesn't see you
walking in.
297
00:12:24,761 --> 00:12:26,161
Oh, and when you get there,
298
00:12:26,228 --> 00:12:27,928
make sure you pick up
a kazoo,
299
00:12:27,994 --> 00:12:29,728
'cause we're all gonna
yell surprise
300
00:12:29,795 --> 00:12:31,528
and then play
Happy Birthday together.
301
00:12:31,595 --> 00:12:33,328
Yeah, you're painting
quite a night, Woodcock.
302
00:12:33,394 --> 00:12:34,495
Yeah.
303
00:12:35,394 --> 00:12:36,595
Hey, there, buddy!
304
00:12:36,661 --> 00:12:38,261
Wanna check out
the air show this weekend?
305
00:12:38,328 --> 00:12:40,094
Ah, wish I could,
but you know,
306
00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:41,895
Joy has me on a short leash.
307
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,761
Okay, your loss,
my mom's gain.
308
00:12:44,828 --> 00:12:46,127
Okay.
309
00:12:46,194 --> 00:12:48,061
Oh, God,
is my life a nightmare.
310
00:12:48,127 --> 00:12:50,094
I got this guy who wants
to be my new girlfriend,
311
00:12:50,161 --> 00:12:52,161
my wife keeps talking
about how right she was,
312
00:12:52,228 --> 00:12:54,061
and now I got
your surprise party...
313
00:12:54,127 --> 00:12:55,828
Listen, Eddie, if you don't
wanna come to the party,
314
00:12:55,895 --> 00:12:57,094
you don't have to come.
315
00:12:57,161 --> 00:12:58,695
Look, I'm going
to your party.
316
00:12:58,761 --> 00:13:00,795
I just spent $12
on a present.
317
00:13:00,862 --> 00:13:03,962
Trust me. I'm gonna get
some tacos out of it.
318
00:13:04,027 --> 00:13:06,094
Just have to figure out
how to deal with Joy.
319
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:08,394
Well, Eddie,
how about this?
320
00:13:08,461 --> 00:13:09,795
Let it go.
321
00:13:10,828 --> 00:13:12,661
How French of you,
Woodcock.
322
00:13:12,728 --> 00:13:14,194
But that's not how
it's gonna go down.
323
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,628
The only way I can
get my life back
324
00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:19,728
is if I catch Joy being
wrong about something.
325
00:13:19,795 --> 00:13:21,328
She can't be right
forever.
326
00:13:21,394 --> 00:13:22,862
And when she slips up,
327
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:24,728
I'm gonna be there.
328
00:13:24,795 --> 00:13:26,061
Waiting.
329
00:13:31,194 --> 00:13:34,728
Can you believe Jeff flew
Steph's sisters in
for the party?
330
00:13:34,795 --> 00:13:36,027
Steph told me that
they have
331
00:13:36,094 --> 00:13:38,828
a made-up language that
they speak to each other.
332
00:13:38,895 --> 00:13:40,561
I'll try not
to crack the code.
333
00:13:42,394 --> 00:13:44,928
Make a right
at the next light.
334
00:13:45,695 --> 00:13:47,595
Did you say, "right"?
335
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,528
Yeah, on Spruce.
Hmm.
336
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:52,428
So you think
the restaurant
is to the right?
337
00:13:53,862 --> 00:13:55,695
I know it is.
338
00:13:55,761 --> 00:13:57,294
Then I assume
you won't mind me
339
00:13:57,361 --> 00:14:00,094
going on record on
our answer machine
340
00:14:00,161 --> 00:14:02,328
that you think
Cantina Mexicana
341
00:14:02,394 --> 00:14:05,361
is to the right
on Spruce Street?
342
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:06,695
Are you sure
you wanna go there?
343
00:14:06,761 --> 00:14:09,994
Oh, oh, oh,
I'm going there
in a freaking limo.
344
00:14:10,061 --> 00:14:11,661
Okay.
345
00:14:11,728 --> 00:14:13,994
Yes, it is
Saturday night
346
00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:16,862
at approximately
7:15 p.m.
347
00:14:16,928 --> 00:14:20,194
And we are headed south
on 42nd Street.
348
00:14:20,261 --> 00:14:21,361
I'm here with Joy Stark
349
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,795
who is officially
going on record
350
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,228
that she thinks
Cantina Mexicana
351
00:14:25,294 --> 00:14:28,361
is to the right
on Spruce Street.
352
00:14:28,428 --> 00:14:30,061
(CHUCKLING)
It's on record,
353
00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:32,061
and you couldn't
be wronger.
354
00:14:32,127 --> 00:14:33,228
Oh, really?
355
00:14:33,294 --> 00:14:35,728
Yes. Yes. Because
Cantina Mexicana
356
00:14:35,795 --> 00:14:37,261
is to the left,
357
00:14:37,328 --> 00:14:39,328
and I know because I was
down here last weekend,
358
00:14:39,394 --> 00:14:41,127
and I walked
right past it.
359
00:14:41,194 --> 00:14:42,495
So when I make
a left turn
360
00:14:42,561 --> 00:14:44,595
and you are at
the restaurant,
safe and sound,
361
00:14:44,661 --> 00:14:46,294
you're gonna buy me
a margarita.
362
00:14:46,361 --> 00:14:48,928
And then you're gonna
sing a Mexican
song of apology
363
00:14:48,994 --> 00:14:50,761
because you will
be wrong,
364
00:14:50,828 --> 00:14:53,761
and I will be
back on top.
365
00:14:53,828 --> 00:14:55,194
(LAUGHS)
366
00:14:56,361 --> 00:14:57,495
I got all turned around.
367
00:14:57,561 --> 00:14:59,328
They changed the city on me!
368
00:14:59,394 --> 00:15:00,895
You had to dig in, huh?
369
00:15:00,962 --> 00:15:02,094
You couldn't
just listen to me,
370
00:15:02,161 --> 00:15:03,528
and now we're
totally late.
371
00:15:03,595 --> 00:15:04,895
Oh, my gosh.
372
00:15:04,962 --> 00:15:06,228
Eddie and Joy.
373
00:15:06,294 --> 00:15:10,194
Wow. What are you two
doing here?
374
00:15:10,261 --> 00:15:12,094
I don't know.
Joy handles the calendar.
375
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,027
So, what's going on?
What are we doing here?
376
00:15:14,094 --> 00:15:16,895
Uh...
We are here
377
00:15:16,962 --> 00:15:21,361
for the famous
Halibut Diablo!
378
00:15:21,428 --> 00:15:23,027
Muy delicioso.
379
00:15:24,695 --> 00:15:27,127
Is it one of
your birthdays?
380
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,828
See? This is why
I hate surprise parties.
381
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:31,261
I'm out.
382
00:15:31,328 --> 00:15:34,994
Wait. Is this
a surprise party for me?
383
00:15:35,061 --> 00:15:37,928
How are you not
getting this yet?
384
00:15:37,994 --> 00:15:39,294
Look, I'm sorry
I blew it.
385
00:15:39,361 --> 00:15:41,828
And apologize to
your sisters for me.
386
00:15:41,895 --> 00:15:44,761
Oh, my God!
My sisters are here?
387
00:15:44,828 --> 00:15:46,194
Is there gonna
be a video?
388
00:15:46,261 --> 00:15:48,228
I gotta go
fix my hair.
389
00:15:49,761 --> 00:15:53,194
Was I not overly clear about
being on time, kazoos ready?
390
00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:54,695
I am sorry, Jeff,
391
00:15:54,761 --> 00:15:57,328
but if Eddie would've
just listened to me
about the directions...
392
00:15:57,394 --> 00:15:59,194
She was completely wrong
about the directions.
393
00:15:59,261 --> 00:16:00,428
I thought I was
headed south.
394
00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:01,862
It's just
amazing to me
395
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,628
that you cannot
live in a world
where I am right.
396
00:16:03,695 --> 00:16:05,294
Because you make it
impossible
to live in that world.
397
00:16:05,361 --> 00:16:07,294
And you certainly
weren't right
about the rascal.
398
00:16:07,361 --> 00:16:09,528
All right, that is it!
You are not ever allowed
to bring up...
399
00:16:09,595 --> 00:16:10,994
Stop it!
400
00:16:12,294 --> 00:16:13,495
Hey, I don't care
how you act
401
00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:14,595
in the privacy
of your own home,
402
00:16:14,661 --> 00:16:16,695
but you're affecting
my life now!
403
00:16:16,761 --> 00:16:18,728
And that's not okay!
404
00:16:18,795 --> 00:16:20,194
Surprise parties,
405
00:16:20,261 --> 00:16:21,795
they're not lame.
406
00:16:21,862 --> 00:16:24,595
They are thrilling.
407
00:16:24,661 --> 00:16:25,862
One minute you're just
going along,
408
00:16:25,928 --> 00:16:28,328
and then, suddenly,
a whole party
409
00:16:28,394 --> 00:16:30,428
just drops from the sky.
410
00:16:30,495 --> 00:16:32,628
But Steph, she's not gonna
have that thrill now
411
00:16:32,695 --> 00:16:35,061
because you two
just can't stop!
412
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:36,428
You know what?
Just go, okay?
413
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:39,027
I really...
I don't even want you here.
414
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,161
GUESTS: Surprise!
415
00:16:43,228 --> 00:16:45,495
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY
PLAYING ON KAZOOS)
JEFF: Forget it.
416
00:16:45,561 --> 00:16:48,127
It's just me,
the surprise is ruined.
417
00:16:54,194 --> 00:16:55,962
Well, that was
thoroughly awkward.
418
00:16:56,027 --> 00:16:58,428
'Twas.
419
00:16:58,495 --> 00:16:59,595
What's happened
to us, Eddie,
420
00:16:59,661 --> 00:17:01,027
with this whole
being right thing?
421
00:17:01,094 --> 00:17:02,661
Why does it matter
so much to us?
422
00:17:02,728 --> 00:17:04,027
I don't know.
Maybe it's just part
423
00:17:04,094 --> 00:17:06,495
of that healthy, passionate
give and take
424
00:17:06,561 --> 00:17:08,862
that is our life together.
425
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:10,661
I actually think
we might be pretty troubled.
426
00:17:10,728 --> 00:17:12,795
Yeah, we're a big mess.
427
00:17:15,761 --> 00:17:17,228
Hey, hey.
428
00:17:17,294 --> 00:17:18,728
I got an idea.
429
00:17:18,795 --> 00:17:20,294
What are you doing?
430
00:17:20,361 --> 00:17:23,294
I'm breaking out
our old toaster.
431
00:17:23,361 --> 00:17:25,561
That ancient thing?
I threw that away.
432
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,061
Yeah, along with
my old Indian belt.
433
00:17:28,127 --> 00:17:29,294
Boo-ya!
434
00:17:31,261 --> 00:17:32,528
Hey, and thank God
I rescued it,
435
00:17:32,595 --> 00:17:35,294
because this is
our ticket out of the jam.
436
00:17:35,361 --> 00:17:36,928
You see, when I plug in
this toaster,
437
00:17:36,994 --> 00:17:38,461
it doesn't
draw any power.
438
00:17:38,528 --> 00:17:41,428
So what I have done
is created parallel worlds
439
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:43,328
where we both can be right.
440
00:17:43,394 --> 00:17:45,361
That's your solution?
441
00:17:45,428 --> 00:17:46,561
Yeah. What's wrong
with that?
442
00:17:46,628 --> 00:17:48,027
I thought it was
a good idea.
443
00:17:48,094 --> 00:17:49,795
What, you got
something better?
444
00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:52,828
Don't you think
it would be healthier
for our relationship
445
00:17:52,895 --> 00:17:54,728
if we disagreed
on something,
446
00:17:54,795 --> 00:17:55,928
we would just go
look it up,
447
00:17:55,994 --> 00:17:57,361
and then we would
both be happier
448
00:17:57,428 --> 00:17:59,461
that we have this
little piece of knowledge?
449
00:17:59,528 --> 00:18:01,728
Oh. That's
another way to go.
450
00:18:01,795 --> 00:18:04,928
Seriously.
We are two people
who love each other.
451
00:18:05,027 --> 00:18:07,261
How did we get like this
over a toaster?
452
00:18:07,328 --> 00:18:09,061
I know. It's crazy.
453
00:18:09,795 --> 00:18:10,828
Come here.
454
00:18:10,895 --> 00:18:12,895
Pour a little sugar
on me, Red.
455
00:18:21,962 --> 00:18:23,328
Do you smell smoke?
456
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,094
I don't know.
I really can't
smell anything
457
00:18:25,161 --> 00:18:27,695
since I ate Tom's
homemade ketchup.
458
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,194
Oh, my God!
Your toaster's on fire!
459
00:18:35,261 --> 00:18:36,828
Wow, it's a good thing
we replaced that.
460
00:18:36,895 --> 00:18:38,461
Eddie! Get in there!
Okay! All right.
All right.
461
00:18:38,528 --> 00:18:40,628
Here. All right.
I will handle it.
Do something.
462
00:18:40,695 --> 00:18:41,994
I will handle it.
Here.
463
00:18:42,061 --> 00:18:44,194
No, you can't put water
on an electrical fire.
464
00:18:44,261 --> 00:18:46,394
Yeah, yeah, but
wood's a great idea.
465
00:18:46,461 --> 00:18:48,828
Listen, I know that
water can put out
burning toast.
466
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,294
Not in
a live toaster.
467
00:18:50,361 --> 00:18:52,795
The water acts
as a conductor.
It spreads the flames.
468
00:18:52,862 --> 00:18:53,994
No. Now,
that is not right.
469
00:18:54,061 --> 00:18:55,528
You know
that is not right!
470
00:18:55,595 --> 00:18:57,094
Oh, will you stop
with who is right?
471
00:18:57,161 --> 00:18:59,228
We have got a fire
in our home.
472
00:18:59,294 --> 00:19:00,661
Unplug it.
No, you unplug it.
473
00:19:00,728 --> 00:19:02,461
That's your thing.
You have longer arms.
474
00:19:02,528 --> 00:19:03,561
No, they're too hairy,
475
00:19:03,628 --> 00:19:05,561
they'll go up
like dry kindling.
476
00:19:05,628 --> 00:19:06,862
What do you
suggest we do?
477
00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,928
I'm thinking
baking soda.
478
00:19:08,994 --> 00:19:11,261
Baking soda?
You want to blow up
the whole house?
479
00:19:11,328 --> 00:19:13,094
Baking soda
sounds right to me.
480
00:19:13,161 --> 00:19:15,027
Yeah, that's why
the fire department
drives around
481
00:19:15,094 --> 00:19:17,394
with giant boxes
of baking soda?
482
00:19:18,394 --> 00:19:20,428
That is so wrong!
483
00:19:20,495 --> 00:19:21,595
Are you sure about that?
484
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,428
Yes, I am sure
about that.
485
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,294
Are you rascal sure?
486
00:19:26,862 --> 00:19:28,127
All right, that is it.
487
00:19:28,194 --> 00:19:30,728
I am breeding a badger
and a raccoon
488
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,495
and the rascal
will exist.
489
00:19:33,561 --> 00:19:35,294
It will be scrappy
and cute,
490
00:19:35,361 --> 00:19:36,962
and people will be
lining up for them,
491
00:19:37,027 --> 00:19:38,161
and you will have
nothing on me.
492
00:19:38,228 --> 00:19:39,461
Nothing!
493
00:19:47,027 --> 00:19:48,294
It's out.
494
00:19:49,461 --> 00:19:50,994
How about that?
495
00:19:53,428 --> 00:19:55,461
Guess it ran out
of oxygen.
496
00:19:57,428 --> 00:19:59,161
What?
497
00:19:59,228 --> 00:20:02,895
It's an open toaster,
there's oxygen...
498
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,695
That's right, sweetie.
499
00:20:06,761 --> 00:20:09,061
It ran out of oxygen.
500
00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:10,862
Let's go to bed.
Okay.
501
00:20:15,628 --> 00:20:17,361
I still want toast.
502
00:20:22,528 --> 00:20:24,661
Come on. Before
Eddie and Joy ruined it,
503
00:20:24,728 --> 00:20:26,127
you were surprised,
right?
504
00:20:26,194 --> 00:20:28,228
I got you,
I had you going.
505
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:29,928
Well, here's the thing.
506
00:20:29,994 --> 00:20:31,328
In the four years
you've known me,
507
00:20:31,394 --> 00:20:33,728
you've thrown me
five surprise parties.
508
00:20:33,795 --> 00:20:37,194
Four birthdays and that
weird one on Christmas.
509
00:20:37,261 --> 00:20:39,061
That one surprised you,
though, huh?
510
00:20:39,127 --> 00:20:42,061
Yeah. More 'cause it didn't
really make sense.
511
00:20:42,828 --> 00:20:44,962
I guess my question is,
512
00:20:45,027 --> 00:20:47,761
why so many
surprise parties?
513
00:20:47,828 --> 00:20:49,728
I don't know, I guess
'cause they're fun,
514
00:20:49,795 --> 00:20:52,561
and they're thrilling,
and...
515
00:20:54,061 --> 00:20:56,962
I've never
really had one.
516
00:20:57,027 --> 00:21:00,628
Jeff, do you want me
to throw you
a surprise party?
517
00:21:02,528 --> 00:21:03,628
Maybe.
37197
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