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www.tvsubtitles.net
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00:00:01,665 --> 00:00:02,699
* All right!
3
00:00:02,765 --> 00:00:03,932
* Hey!
4
00:00:03,998 --> 00:00:06,765
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
5
00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:07,899
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
6
00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:10,632
Okay.
So, here's the deal.
7
00:00:10,699 --> 00:00:12,765
My lecture on
the Louisiana Purchase
8
00:00:12,832 --> 00:00:14,998
has ironically
been postponed
9
00:00:15,065 --> 00:00:18,131
due to my purchase of
a two pound breakfast burrito
10
00:00:18,198 --> 00:00:20,198
which is not gonna
eat itself.
11
00:00:20,265 --> 00:00:24,265
So, feel free
to read quietly, doodle,
flirt with your neighbor,
12
00:00:24,332 --> 00:00:26,899
whatever you want,
just don't set
anything on fire.
13
00:00:28,499 --> 00:00:29,699
(EXCLAIMS)
14
00:00:29,765 --> 00:00:31,799
Bacon down,
nobody move.
15
00:00:33,265 --> 00:00:34,966
(EXCLAIMS) My back!
16
00:00:35,031 --> 00:00:36,098
(GROANS)
17
00:00:36,532 --> 00:00:38,632
Josh.
18
00:00:38,699 --> 00:00:41,198
Reach into
my breast pocket
and get my Bengay.
19
00:00:43,398 --> 00:00:45,599
(JINGLE PLAYING)
20
00:00:52,332 --> 00:00:55,065
Okay,
we're all done.
How you doing?
21
00:00:55,131 --> 00:00:56,499
Well, you know, Neil,
22
00:00:56,565 --> 00:00:59,165
I've heard
a lot of bad stuff
about these MRI tubes,
23
00:00:59,232 --> 00:01:02,065
but I gotta tell you,
very pleasant.
24
00:01:02,131 --> 00:01:04,665
Some people think
it's a little claustrophobic.
25
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,165
More like
claustro-tastic.
26
00:01:08,998 --> 00:01:12,065
How much for another
hour in this thing?
27
00:01:12,131 --> 00:01:14,632
So, where exactly on
your back was the pain?
28
00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:16,198
Well, I could show you.
29
00:01:16,265 --> 00:01:17,365
It's right here on my...
30
00:01:17,432 --> 00:01:19,098
On my right side,
is where it is.
31
00:01:19,165 --> 00:01:21,298
And I sometimes get
a little tingling
in my leg
32
00:01:21,365 --> 00:01:23,565
if I read too long
on the can.
33
00:01:26,098 --> 00:01:28,165
Just wanted you
to know everything.
34
00:01:28,232 --> 00:01:29,398
So just the right side, then?
35
00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:31,232
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
36
00:01:31,298 --> 00:01:33,932
But you did an MRI
on both sides, right?
37
00:01:33,998 --> 00:01:35,732
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
38
00:01:35,799 --> 00:01:38,065
'Cause when you asked
if the pain was only
on the right side,
39
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:41,732
it kind of sounded like
you found something
on the left side.
40
00:01:41,799 --> 00:01:43,866
Did you find something
on the left side?
41
00:01:43,932 --> 00:01:45,732
Oh, sir,
I'm just a technician.
42
00:01:45,799 --> 00:01:47,398
I'm not really allowed
to interpret the film,
43
00:01:47,465 --> 00:01:48,899
but your doctor will be
calling you with the results.
44
00:01:48,966 --> 00:01:50,365
Okay. All right.
45
00:01:50,432 --> 00:01:51,699
But I'm gonna be okay,
right?
46
00:01:51,765 --> 00:01:53,765
I'm sorry, I'm just
not allowed to say.
47
00:01:53,832 --> 00:01:54,998
It's a legal thing.
48
00:01:55,065 --> 00:01:57,866
Oh. Oh, legal?
All right, look,
take it easy, chief.
49
00:01:57,932 --> 00:01:59,665
Nobody's suing anybody
here, all right?
50
00:01:59,732 --> 00:02:03,298
Just a couple
of guys hanging
in the tube room, huh?
51
00:02:05,031 --> 00:02:06,998
So, how are you?
52
00:02:07,065 --> 00:02:08,098
I'm fine.
53
00:02:08,165 --> 00:02:09,565
Good. Good.
Glad to hear it.
54
00:02:09,632 --> 00:02:11,098
And how am I?
55
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:15,031
Sir, it would be malpractice
if I said anything.
56
00:02:15,098 --> 00:02:17,899
Mmm-hmm. All right.
Well, don't say anything.
57
00:02:17,966 --> 00:02:20,432
Just give me a wink.
Give me a wink if I'm okay.
58
00:02:20,499 --> 00:02:21,765
You know...
One of those.
59
00:02:21,832 --> 00:02:24,365
Like you met me at a bar
and you liked what you saw.
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00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,899
Yeah, like I said,
you're gonna have to
talk to your doctor.
61
00:02:30,966 --> 00:02:32,432
Yeah, I know
like what you said.
62
00:02:32,499 --> 00:02:33,799
Okay. All right.
63
00:02:33,866 --> 00:02:35,432
You know, I'm gonna
level with you, Neil.
64
00:02:35,499 --> 00:02:37,265
Okay, based on
this conversation,
65
00:02:37,332 --> 00:02:40,165
I'm completely convinced
that, best case scenario,
66
00:02:40,232 --> 00:02:41,632
I'm losing half my back.
67
00:02:41,699 --> 00:02:44,031
So I'm just gonna ask you,
please, man to man,
68
00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:45,966
tell me what the hell's
going on.
69
00:02:46,031 --> 00:02:47,065
Your doctor...
70
00:02:47,131 --> 00:02:49,065
I hate you, Neil!
71
00:02:49,998 --> 00:02:51,165
Hate you.
72
00:02:51,232 --> 00:02:52,765
(JINGLE PLAYING)
73
00:02:55,465 --> 00:02:57,332
(JINGLE PLAYING)
74
00:02:57,398 --> 00:03:00,031
Well, it's official.
I'm dying.
75
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,699
You are not dying.
76
00:03:03,765 --> 00:03:05,966
All the guy said was
he was not allowed to
discuss the results with you.
77
00:03:06,031 --> 00:03:08,232
That's a load of crap.
That's the medical
equivalent to
78
00:03:08,298 --> 00:03:10,832
"I'm just a cashier,
I don't have keys
to the safe."
79
00:03:12,065 --> 00:03:13,465
Hey, on your way
up to heaven,
80
00:03:13,532 --> 00:03:16,298
if that is where
you're headed,
please send down
81
00:03:16,365 --> 00:03:18,765
Uncle Ben's Country Inn
Rice Pilaf to see me.
82
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,365
Yeah, yeah, great.
Laugh it up.
83
00:03:20,432 --> 00:03:21,998
But you're not gonna be
laughing when I'm gone
84
00:03:22,065 --> 00:03:24,432
and you're having
this conversation
with a ladder.
85
00:03:30,065 --> 00:03:31,398
Eddie, you're fine.
86
00:03:31,465 --> 00:03:34,665
You are totally overreacting
to this like you always do.
87
00:03:34,732 --> 00:03:35,899
You don't know me.
88
00:03:37,265 --> 00:03:39,599
The point is,
it is all in your head.
89
00:03:39,665 --> 00:03:40,799
Hey, you weren't
in that tube room.
90
00:03:40,866 --> 00:03:43,232
You didn't see the look
in that guy's eyes.
91
00:03:43,298 --> 00:03:46,632
He looked at me the same way
we used to look at Nana.
92
00:03:46,699 --> 00:03:49,031
Eddie, you're
a very healthy person.
93
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:51,565
I mean,
look at all the new
places you've sprouted hair.
94
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,398
That's got to be
a good sign.
95
00:03:57,665 --> 00:03:58,765
Where you going?
96
00:03:58,832 --> 00:03:59,932
I'm going to get
the mail.
97
00:03:59,998 --> 00:04:01,998
If you live long enough
to see water boil,
98
00:04:02,065 --> 00:04:03,332
dump in the rice.
99
00:04:07,499 --> 00:04:09,031
Oh, great,
I got a week to live
100
00:04:09,098 --> 00:04:11,499
and you got to go get
your In Touch magazine.
101
00:04:11,565 --> 00:04:14,732
Now you can sleep easy
knowing that Britney
bought a car seat.
102
00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:17,632
Hey, you two.
103
00:04:17,699 --> 00:04:19,499
All right, heads up,
here come the wonder twins.
104
00:04:19,565 --> 00:04:20,832
Hey, guys.
105
00:04:20,899 --> 00:04:22,799
Hey. Hey, how was
your appointment?
106
00:04:22,866 --> 00:04:26,198
Well, you want the nice,
pretty answer that's gonna
leave you feeling all safe
107
00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:28,832
and warm inside or
you wanna know the truth?
108
00:04:28,899 --> 00:04:30,298
I just kind of
wanted to know...
109
00:04:30,365 --> 00:04:32,365
My body
is a ticking time bomb!
110
00:04:32,432 --> 00:04:34,432
You kids are smart to run.
111
00:04:34,499 --> 00:04:35,866
If only I had run.
112
00:04:35,932 --> 00:04:37,565
Maybe then I...
113
00:04:37,632 --> 00:04:41,065
Wouldn't have
a mysterious fictional
disease eating you up inside?
114
00:04:41,131 --> 00:04:43,765
Denial.
Interesting way to play it.
115
00:04:43,832 --> 00:04:45,298
(SOBBING)
116
00:04:45,365 --> 00:04:47,198
Hey, you okay over there?
117
00:04:47,265 --> 00:04:48,565
I'm sorry.
118
00:04:48,632 --> 00:04:50,799
This is just like
Mr. Pajamas.
119
00:04:50,866 --> 00:04:52,632
Mr. Pajamas?
120
00:04:52,699 --> 00:04:54,632
Steph's childhood cat.
121
00:04:54,699 --> 00:04:58,131
It passed away
a few months ago
and it's still pretty fresh.
122
00:04:58,198 --> 00:04:59,732
He was only 21.
123
00:05:01,232 --> 00:05:02,532
I know I seem
a little crazy,
124
00:05:02,599 --> 00:05:04,699
but he was
a really great cat.
125
00:05:04,765 --> 00:05:06,432
Wasn't he, sweetie?
126
00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:07,932
Oh, yeah.
He was pretty great.
127
00:05:07,998 --> 00:05:09,131
Yeah.
128
00:05:09,198 --> 00:05:10,665
Pretty great.
129
00:05:10,732 --> 00:05:13,198
I might have missed
his prime, though,
130
00:05:13,265 --> 00:05:17,031
'cause he was completely
deaf and blind when I met him.
131
00:05:17,098 --> 00:05:20,998
But he still managed to
bite me pretty hard
a few times.
132
00:05:21,065 --> 00:05:23,599
Mostly when I was
changing his diapers.
133
00:05:23,665 --> 00:05:25,732
But, hey,
what a spirit, huh?
134
00:05:25,799 --> 00:05:27,031
He'll be missed.
135
00:05:27,098 --> 00:05:28,765
Listen to me, Eddie.
136
00:05:28,832 --> 00:05:31,031
We never gave up on
Mr. Pajamas.
137
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,165
We flew to Canada
to see a specialist
138
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:35,866
and thanks to
aggressive gene therapy,
139
00:05:35,932 --> 00:05:38,232
he got to see
one more Christmas.
140
00:05:38,298 --> 00:05:39,398
Well, not see,
but smell.
141
00:05:39,465 --> 00:05:40,499
(CHUCKLES)
142
00:05:40,565 --> 00:05:41,966
My point is,
143
00:05:42,799 --> 00:05:44,699
hang in there, big man.
144
00:05:51,098 --> 00:05:52,899
Honest human emotion.
145
00:05:53,866 --> 00:05:55,065
How refreshing.
146
00:05:58,098 --> 00:06:05,665
(JINGLE PLAYING)
147
00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:07,198
I don't want to
concern you,
148
00:06:07,265 --> 00:06:09,232
but I just found a hair
that could not have come
149
00:06:09,298 --> 00:06:10,665
from either one of us.
150
00:06:13,765 --> 00:06:15,365
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
151
00:06:15,432 --> 00:06:16,832
I know that move.
152
00:06:16,899 --> 00:06:19,065
What, are you on one
of those adult websites?
153
00:06:19,131 --> 00:06:20,265
Huh?
154
00:06:20,332 --> 00:06:21,499
What? No.
155
00:06:21,565 --> 00:06:22,966
Come on, let me see.
156
00:06:23,031 --> 00:06:24,632
I'm very liberal.
157
00:06:25,565 --> 00:06:28,198
Come on.
Let me see.
158
00:06:28,265 --> 00:06:29,365
Uh-huh.
159
00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:31,832
Didn't clear your history.
Rookie mistake.
160
00:06:31,899 --> 00:06:33,031
Eddie, don't.
161
00:06:36,398 --> 00:06:39,465
You Googled
"Back plus cancer"?
162
00:06:41,098 --> 00:06:42,966
Did I?
Let me see that.
163
00:06:43,031 --> 00:06:44,966
What's to see?
You did it.
164
00:06:45,031 --> 00:06:46,131
Well, I don't think I did.
165
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:47,432
No, you did.
166
00:06:47,499 --> 00:06:49,532
You think
I have cancer?
167
00:06:49,599 --> 00:06:51,932
No. No, I don't think
that you have cancer.
168
00:06:51,998 --> 00:06:53,899
I just think that you
might have
169
00:06:54,699 --> 00:06:55,732
back cancer.
170
00:06:55,799 --> 00:06:57,565
Oh, my God!
171
00:06:57,632 --> 00:07:01,398
(STAMMERING) But you said
I was fine.
172
00:07:01,465 --> 00:07:02,998
Well, you're probably fine.
173
00:07:03,065 --> 00:07:04,098
Probably?
174
00:07:04,165 --> 00:07:05,699
Definitely.
You're definitely fine.
175
00:07:05,765 --> 00:07:07,232
No, no, no.
You said probably.
176
00:07:07,298 --> 00:07:08,365
Google "probably."
177
00:07:08,432 --> 00:07:10,232
"Definitely"
doesn't come up.
178
00:07:10,298 --> 00:07:11,398
I'm sorry.
179
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,998
As much as I joke
about what I would do
180
00:07:14,065 --> 00:07:15,732
if you went first,
181
00:07:15,799 --> 00:07:17,298
I don't want you
to go first.
182
00:07:17,365 --> 00:07:20,165
Well, I don't want me
to go first, either.
183
00:07:23,532 --> 00:07:24,732
Or you.
184
00:07:26,966 --> 00:07:28,232
I love you.
185
00:07:28,298 --> 00:07:29,465
I love you.
186
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,732
I don't ever want
to lose you.
187
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:34,165
Well, I don't want
to be lost.
188
00:07:36,265 --> 00:07:40,031
* Hold tight, sweetie pie
189
00:07:47,599 --> 00:07:49,465
How long you been
watching me?
190
00:07:49,532 --> 00:07:51,265
Just a few minutes.
191
00:07:52,332 --> 00:07:53,932
You do this
every morning?
192
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:02,398
Well,
193
00:08:02,465 --> 00:08:04,732
I guess I should
get to school.
194
00:08:05,632 --> 00:08:07,398
It's Tater Tot day.
195
00:08:11,899 --> 00:08:13,599
Could be my last.
196
00:08:14,998 --> 00:08:17,298
Why don't you skip
homeroom today?
197
00:08:17,365 --> 00:08:19,332
Skip homeroom?
198
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:21,499
But I'll miss the Pledge.
199
00:08:21,565 --> 00:08:23,298
I think I might
have a better idea
200
00:08:23,365 --> 00:08:26,265
of how we can celebrate
this great nation.
201
00:08:26,332 --> 00:08:28,065
Oh, I like where
your head is at.
202
00:08:29,765 --> 00:08:32,365
Just let me pee first.
Okay, I know the drill.
203
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,599
(PHONE RINGING)
204
00:08:41,031 --> 00:08:42,198
Hello.
205
00:08:43,031 --> 00:08:44,899
Oh, Dr. Wolfsburg, hi.
206
00:08:46,732 --> 00:08:48,832
Oh, God.
That's great news.
207
00:08:48,899 --> 00:08:50,432
Okay, terrific.
208
00:08:50,499 --> 00:08:53,098
So it's just
an inflamed disk?
209
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:55,031
Uh-huh.
210
00:08:55,098 --> 00:08:58,732
All right, so ice it,
then heat it.
211
00:08:58,799 --> 00:09:00,732
Okay, 'cause that seems
like a wash.
212
00:09:02,732 --> 00:09:03,966
I know you're busy.
213
00:09:05,799 --> 00:09:09,131
Okay. Yes.
This is fantastic.
214
00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:10,332
Thank you.
215
00:09:10,398 --> 00:09:11,932
Okay. Love you.
216
00:09:14,165 --> 00:09:15,632
Joy!
217
00:09:17,465 --> 00:09:19,998
What do you say we move
this party into the shower?
218
00:09:20,665 --> 00:09:21,932
I just...
219
00:09:23,198 --> 00:09:24,398
Shower?
220
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,065
It's not my birthday.
221
00:09:28,198 --> 00:09:30,131
I know, but I just
thought that, you know,
222
00:09:30,198 --> 00:09:32,065
with everything that
you're going through,
223
00:09:32,131 --> 00:09:34,332
you should get everything
that you want.
224
00:09:35,165 --> 00:09:36,432
I should.
225
00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:39,899
Who was on the phone?
226
00:09:39,966 --> 00:09:43,332
Oh, it was a group
trying to raise money to
227
00:09:45,165 --> 00:09:48,699
send blind bald eagles
back into the wild.
228
00:09:51,699 --> 00:09:53,265
That's not gonna work.
229
00:09:56,265 --> 00:09:58,265
Let's get to that shower.
230
00:10:00,432 --> 00:10:02,365
* Oh, baby, oh
231
00:10:04,866 --> 00:10:06,632
Okay, we're just gonna
give them the food,
232
00:10:06,699 --> 00:10:08,932
but don't bring up
Mr. Pajamas, okay?
233
00:10:08,998 --> 00:10:10,065
Why not?
234
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:11,832
Eddie is a human being
who's sick
235
00:10:11,899 --> 00:10:14,298
and he might find it
a little insulting
236
00:10:14,365 --> 00:10:16,599
if you keep comparing
him to a stray animal
237
00:10:16,665 --> 00:10:18,732
that you found
sleeping in a tire.
238
00:10:22,599 --> 00:10:23,998
Woodcocks.
239
00:10:24,065 --> 00:10:25,332
What are you doing
here so early?
240
00:10:25,398 --> 00:10:27,098
I'm still
in my pajamas.
241
00:10:27,165 --> 00:10:28,398
Pajamas.
242
00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:32,565
Keep it together,
honey.
243
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,031
Please enjoy
these stuffed shells.
244
00:10:40,365 --> 00:10:41,599
Come in.
245
00:10:44,098 --> 00:10:45,565
Hey, I'm sorry
about Steph.
246
00:10:45,632 --> 00:10:48,499
I know that's the last thing
you need right now.
247
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,932
Not a problem.
Joy's already gone.
248
00:10:51,031 --> 00:10:52,332
If I hit these
shells hard,
249
00:10:52,398 --> 00:10:54,065
she'll never know
they existed.
250
00:10:55,499 --> 00:10:57,866
It's great to see you
stay positive, Eddie.
251
00:10:57,932 --> 00:10:59,899
Because as much as traditional
medicine will help,
252
00:10:59,966 --> 00:11:02,031
it means nothing
unless you make the decision
253
00:11:02,098 --> 00:11:03,599
from within
to beat this.
254
00:11:03,665 --> 00:11:05,298
I'm not dying.
Exactly.
255
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,998
I mean, I don't
have a disease.
256
00:11:07,065 --> 00:11:08,465
You tell 'em, Eddie.
257
00:11:08,532 --> 00:11:10,131
You hear that? Huh?
258
00:11:11,565 --> 00:11:14,232
Okay, hey, hey.
Eyes up here, Woodcock.
259
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,799
The doctor called
this morning
260
00:11:15,866 --> 00:11:17,732
and he said that
I'm gonna be fine.
261
00:11:17,799 --> 00:11:19,599
That's great!
262
00:11:19,665 --> 00:11:20,966
Wow, you gotta
be thrilled, huh?
263
00:11:21,031 --> 00:11:23,432
Oh, yeah.
Feels like I won the lottery.
264
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:24,699
Joy's gotta be relieved.
265
00:11:24,765 --> 00:11:26,465
Yeah. Yeah.
She will be.
266
00:11:26,532 --> 00:11:29,198
She will be. Yeah.
267
00:11:29,265 --> 00:11:30,298
You haven't
told her yet?
268
00:11:30,365 --> 00:11:31,398
No.
269
00:11:31,465 --> 00:11:32,799
No.
270
00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:34,398
No.
271
00:11:34,465 --> 00:11:35,932
I mean, I will.
272
00:11:35,998 --> 00:11:37,398
Look, I mean,
she's my wife.
273
00:11:37,465 --> 00:11:39,365
I'm gonna tell her, but...
274
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,998
Why haven't you told her?
275
00:11:42,065 --> 00:11:43,998
All right, look.
Here's the thing.
276
00:11:44,065 --> 00:11:45,932
Ever since I've been dying,
277
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:49,465
the activities in the bedroom
have been crazy freaky.
278
00:11:52,932 --> 00:11:57,131
You're having better sex
because Joy thinks
you're dying?
279
00:11:57,198 --> 00:12:00,098
I have stepped
into something great here.
280
00:12:01,565 --> 00:12:03,832
Now that she thinks that
the circus is leaving town,
281
00:12:03,899 --> 00:12:05,532
she can't stay out
of the big top.
282
00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:09,699
Well,
283
00:12:10,432 --> 00:12:11,832
isn't that great?
284
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,966
Bravo to you.
285
00:12:14,031 --> 00:12:16,532
Aren't you just
the big winner here?
286
00:12:18,432 --> 00:12:20,198
All right, what's up
your skirt, Woodcock?
287
00:12:20,265 --> 00:12:23,499
Why are you begrudging me
my sexual renaissance?
288
00:12:23,565 --> 00:12:25,332
I'm gonna tell you why,
Eddie.
289
00:12:25,398 --> 00:12:27,398
Because despite
his adorable name,
290
00:12:27,465 --> 00:12:32,131
Mr. Pajamas was the meanest
son-of-a-bitch cat
in all of history.
291
00:12:32,198 --> 00:12:35,732
He finally dies and we have
a Greek Orthodox funeral
for him.
292
00:12:35,799 --> 00:12:38,966
And then two months
of mourning with no sex,
293
00:12:39,031 --> 00:12:41,565
because how could I think
about that with Mr. P gone?
294
00:12:41,632 --> 00:12:44,632
And then finally, finally
the memory starts to fade,
295
00:12:44,699 --> 00:12:45,799
I'm gonna get my wife back.
296
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,765
Until boom, you're dying,
297
00:12:47,832 --> 00:12:50,198
and then I'm spending
my nights watching a video
298
00:12:50,265 --> 00:12:52,765
that she likes to call
Mr. Pajamas' Greatest Hits,
299
00:12:52,832 --> 00:12:56,131
which is basically
five hours of a cat
chasing a laser pointer.
300
00:12:56,198 --> 00:12:58,532
So you can understand
why the fact that you
made the whole thing up
301
00:12:58,599 --> 00:13:02,031
makes me
want to rip the heart
right out of your body!
302
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:11,932
I'll be waiting in the car.
303
00:13:12,699 --> 00:13:14,899
(JINGLE PLAYING)
304
00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:20,998
I'm home, dear.
305
00:13:21,065 --> 00:13:22,532
In here.
306
00:13:23,465 --> 00:13:26,098
I got some
new shower gel.
307
00:13:28,765 --> 00:13:31,365
Be prepared
to smell like
308
00:13:31,432 --> 00:13:34,998
"Lemon zest.
Now with grease cutter"?
309
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:38,499
Crap. I bought
dishwashing liquid.
310
00:13:40,131 --> 00:13:41,998
That's okay, sweetie.
I thought that we would
311
00:13:42,065 --> 00:13:43,832
have a nice dinner
312
00:13:43,899 --> 00:13:45,832
and, you know, look
at these old photo albums
313
00:13:45,899 --> 00:13:47,932
and just hang out
and talk.
314
00:13:48,799 --> 00:13:49,899
Talk?
315
00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:54,532
But I got this
fancy dish soap.
316
00:13:55,732 --> 00:13:57,265
Come here.
317
00:13:57,332 --> 00:13:58,599
Sit down.
318
00:13:59,232 --> 00:14:01,398
Look at this one.
319
00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:02,998
Remember, just after
Allison was born,
320
00:14:03,065 --> 00:14:04,265
we took her to
the Bucks County fair?
321
00:14:04,332 --> 00:14:06,565
Yep. I'm holding
a bratwurst,
322
00:14:06,632 --> 00:14:10,098
a big pickle,
and my baby girl.
323
00:14:10,165 --> 00:14:13,332
What,
were your arms broken?
You're not even helping.
324
00:14:13,398 --> 00:14:15,332
I'm right there,
holding my bucket of beer.
325
00:14:17,031 --> 00:14:19,565
Check that out.
What, are we holding hands?
326
00:14:20,866 --> 00:14:22,432
Yeah.
327
00:14:22,499 --> 00:14:23,599
That's weird.
328
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,131
Hmm.
329
00:14:30,665 --> 00:14:32,265
* Whoa, whoa, whoa
330
00:14:32,332 --> 00:14:34,265
* Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
331
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:35,765
JEFF: All right,
so let me get this straight.
332
00:14:35,832 --> 00:14:37,732
You didn't even have sex?
333
00:14:37,799 --> 00:14:39,365
I thought
that was the whole point.
334
00:14:39,432 --> 00:14:41,165
Last night
we didn't even have to.
335
00:14:41,232 --> 00:14:43,499
We started
connecting on
a whole different level.
336
00:14:43,565 --> 00:14:46,298
We were
actually talking.
337
00:14:46,365 --> 00:14:48,998
I don't know how often
you've spoken to Joy,
but she is fascinating.
338
00:14:50,532 --> 00:14:52,031
And it turns out,
339
00:14:52,098 --> 00:14:55,298
being faced with
your own mortality
isn't just good for sex,
340
00:14:55,365 --> 00:14:57,065
but it makes
everything better.
341
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:02,832
You're not actually dying!
342
00:15:02,899 --> 00:15:04,365
You have a slipped disk.
343
00:15:04,432 --> 00:15:06,866
Your doctor prescribed
Tylenol and a heating pad.
344
00:15:06,932 --> 00:15:10,098
But I never felt so alive
since I've been fake dying.
345
00:15:10,165 --> 00:15:14,265
And it's just not with Joy.
I'm appreciating life more.
346
00:15:14,332 --> 00:15:18,532
This morning
I spent an entire hour
savoring an English muffin.
347
00:15:18,599 --> 00:15:21,998
I don't know what's better,
the nooks or the crannies.
348
00:15:22,065 --> 00:15:23,532
And when I went
to get my paper,
349
00:15:23,599 --> 00:15:25,998
I saw a little
bunny rabbit on my lawn.
350
00:15:26,065 --> 00:15:28,532
He was just sitting there,
not doing anything
in particular,
351
00:15:28,599 --> 00:15:31,198
just enjoying the day.
352
00:15:31,265 --> 00:15:32,632
I learned a lot
from that bunny.
353
00:15:33,998 --> 00:15:36,198
(JINGLE PLAYING)
354
00:15:36,265 --> 00:15:38,432
Today,
ladies and gentlemen,
355
00:15:38,499 --> 00:15:41,665
we're not just
gonna learn about history,
356
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:44,298
we're going to live it!
357
00:15:44,365 --> 00:15:47,398
And in order to do that,
I need a Lewis
358
00:15:48,165 --> 00:15:49,532
and a Clark
359
00:15:50,332 --> 00:15:52,065
and a Sacajawea!
360
00:15:56,866 --> 00:16:00,265
* Whoa, whoa, whoa,
here we go *
361
00:16:01,632 --> 00:16:03,198
More sangria?
362
00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:06,265
Si, por favor.
363
00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:09,599
Oh, do you remember
the last time we laid
out like this,
364
00:16:09,665 --> 00:16:12,499
just sitting,
staring up at the stars?
365
00:16:12,565 --> 00:16:14,465
Cape Cod.
366
00:16:14,532 --> 00:16:18,632
We rented that beach house
and ate clam chowder
three times a day.
367
00:16:18,699 --> 00:16:21,165
Yeah, that's
how we found out that
I was allergic to shellfish
368
00:16:21,232 --> 00:16:23,465
and my neck blew up
like a giant balloon.
369
00:16:25,866 --> 00:16:28,065
I wanna go back there.
370
00:16:28,131 --> 00:16:29,699
Put that
on the to-do list.
371
00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,031
Okay.
372
00:16:32,098 --> 00:16:33,098
Go back to the Cape.
373
00:16:33,165 --> 00:16:35,232
All right.
So, what do we got so far?
374
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:37,198
Well, we have, "The Cape.
375
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,131
"Climb K2,
376
00:16:40,198 --> 00:16:41,499
"do one of those karate moves
377
00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:44,165
"where you break a board
with your head,
378
00:16:44,232 --> 00:16:46,432
"and swim in the nude."
379
00:16:46,499 --> 00:16:48,765
Not with other guys.
380
00:16:48,832 --> 00:16:53,532
You know, these last
two days have been so hard,
381
00:16:53,599 --> 00:16:57,565
but in sort of a weird way,
they've been kind of great.
382
00:16:57,632 --> 00:16:58,765
Yeah.
383
00:17:00,098 --> 00:17:01,765
We should really call
Allison up at school
384
00:17:01,832 --> 00:17:02,998
and let her know
what's going on.
385
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,966
What do you mean?
What's going on?
386
00:17:06,732 --> 00:17:07,998
With you.
387
00:17:08,732 --> 00:17:10,932
Oh! Yeah.
388
00:17:10,998 --> 00:17:13,065
You know what,
389
00:17:13,131 --> 00:17:17,165
college is supposed to
be the most exciting
time of her life,
390
00:17:17,232 --> 00:17:19,332
and she's probably drunk
as hell right now,
391
00:17:19,398 --> 00:17:22,565
and, you know,
I don't want to
call her and kill the buzz.
392
00:17:22,632 --> 00:17:24,031
I really think we should
call her tomorrow.
393
00:17:24,098 --> 00:17:26,031
(STAMMERING) Yeah.
You know, I don't know.
394
00:17:26,098 --> 00:17:28,565
I just don't
think we should
395
00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:31,699
because I may not
be sick.
396
00:17:33,298 --> 00:17:34,765
I'm not sick.
397
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,298
What's that?
398
00:17:38,365 --> 00:17:40,131
Yep, the doctor
called yesterday
399
00:17:40,198 --> 00:17:43,198
and it's just
an inflamed disk.
400
00:17:43,265 --> 00:17:45,131
Whoa, is that
a load off, huh?
401
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,398
Freshen up your drink,
darling?
402
00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:50,131
Yesterday?
The doctor called yesterday?
403
00:17:50,198 --> 00:17:53,131
Yeah. Yeah.
Right before our shower.
404
00:17:55,065 --> 00:17:56,499
You let me think
that you were dying
405
00:17:56,565 --> 00:17:59,332
so we could party with
a detachable shower head?
406
00:17:59,398 --> 00:18:00,765
Yeah. Well,
it just wasn't that,
407
00:18:00,832 --> 00:18:02,932
but I do have to admit,
when you put that thing
on pulse,
408
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:05,131
boy, it took me right
back to the 70s.
409
00:18:05,198 --> 00:18:06,599
Eddie!
Okay, it was sick,
410
00:18:06,665 --> 00:18:08,899
but it became so much
more than sex.
411
00:18:08,966 --> 00:18:11,532
And what's happening
right here is so much deeper.
412
00:18:11,599 --> 00:18:13,398
And here's
the best part,
413
00:18:13,465 --> 00:18:17,165
we don't have
to think I'm dying
to have all of this.
414
00:18:17,232 --> 00:18:18,665
It's like
the Dumbo story.
415
00:18:18,732 --> 00:18:21,465
Remember, Dumbo thought
that he needed that
feather to fly,
416
00:18:21,532 --> 00:18:25,899
but it turned out
that he could fly
without the feather.
417
00:18:25,966 --> 00:18:28,298
See, that's you and me.
418
00:18:28,365 --> 00:18:29,765
We're Dumbo.
419
00:18:34,332 --> 00:18:37,966
You're looking at me
like you've never
seen Dumbo.
420
00:18:38,065 --> 00:18:41,932
You're actually
sitting there talking
about a flying elephant?
421
00:18:41,998 --> 00:18:43,198
You lied to me.
422
00:18:43,265 --> 00:18:46,365
You told me you were dying
of a terminal illness.
423
00:18:46,432 --> 00:18:48,398
All right, look.
424
00:18:48,465 --> 00:18:50,198
You know, since
we're pointing fingers here,
425
00:18:50,265 --> 00:18:53,398
I'm a little offended that
you're not happier
that I'm okay.
426
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,832
I mean, I made it.
I beat this thing.
427
00:18:55,899 --> 00:18:57,866
I'm gonna live.
428
00:18:57,932 --> 00:18:59,298
Not necessarily.
429
00:18:59,365 --> 00:19:01,198
Well...
All right, look.
430
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:02,732
Joy, let me...
431
00:19:02,799 --> 00:19:05,699
Let me put this differently.
432
00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:07,532
Have you seen Pinocchio?
433
00:19:07,599 --> 00:19:09,732
Do you know what
I have been doing
for the past two days?
434
00:19:09,799 --> 00:19:13,265
Do you?
I have been blaming
myself for everything,
435
00:19:13,332 --> 00:19:16,131
from forcing us to buy a house
too close to power lines
436
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:19,899
to letting you eat that crusty
black stuff off the grill.
437
00:19:19,966 --> 00:19:21,799
Is our life
so bad together
438
00:19:21,866 --> 00:19:24,031
that you had to pretend
you were dying to
make it better?
439
00:19:24,098 --> 00:19:25,765
It's not that it's so bad.
440
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,398
I just thought
I could spice it up.
441
00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:30,532
You know,
like how people
wear wigs or role-play.
442
00:19:30,599 --> 00:19:32,465
(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Oh, my, Colonel Beauregard.
443
00:19:32,532 --> 00:19:34,332
"It's so hot
out on the veranda.
444
00:19:34,398 --> 00:19:37,098
"I have some sweet tea
up in my boudoir."
445
00:19:38,365 --> 00:19:40,098
Like that.
446
00:19:40,165 --> 00:19:41,398
I don't know
what's worse,
447
00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:43,632
the fact that
you're a lying freak
448
00:19:43,699 --> 00:19:47,932
or that you think any part
of what you just said
just now was sexy.
449
00:19:47,998 --> 00:19:49,998
I can't believe
I fell for this.
450
00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:53,298
I watched Ultimate Fighting
with you.
451
00:19:53,365 --> 00:19:54,499
I massaged your feet.
452
00:19:54,565 --> 00:19:55,632
I...
453
00:19:56,732 --> 00:19:58,098
I touched your feet.
454
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,332
Well, you know,
say what you want,
455
00:20:00,398 --> 00:20:02,198
and even though this may have
come from the wrong place,
456
00:20:02,265 --> 00:20:04,665
you have to admit
that the last couple of days
457
00:20:04,732 --> 00:20:06,565
have been pretty magical.
458
00:20:06,632 --> 00:20:09,799
Yeah? How do you think
the next couple of days
are gonna be, huh?
459
00:20:09,866 --> 00:20:11,265
Unmagical?
460
00:20:12,165 --> 00:20:13,732
Oh, you have no idea!
461
00:20:13,799 --> 00:20:15,599
Yeah, well, you know what,
you don't scare me, lady,
462
00:20:15,665 --> 00:20:17,799
because I stared death
right in the face
463
00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:19,232
and I won!
464
00:20:21,098 --> 00:20:22,799
I'm so very sorry.
465
00:20:27,265 --> 00:20:29,599
* Yeah!
466
00:20:29,665 --> 00:20:32,665
* Yeah, yeah,
whee, whoo, whoo *
467
00:20:46,265 --> 00:20:48,065
Joy told you
I was going to live?
468
00:20:48,131 --> 00:20:51,765
Yes, and liars
don't get my shells.
469
00:20:55,765 --> 00:20:59,031
Well, nobody liked
Mr. Bojangles but you.
470
00:20:59,098 --> 00:21:00,599
It's Pajamas.
471
00:21:00,665 --> 00:21:03,365
And there were 48 people
at his funeral.
472
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:07,866
* Ah, hey
33923
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