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1
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www.tvsubtitles.net
2
00:00:01,662 --> 00:00:02,496
* All right!
3
00:00:02,562 --> 00:00:03,762
* Hey!
4
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,863
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
5
00:00:10,028 --> 00:00:11,395
What do you think
of my office, Ma?
6
00:00:11,462 --> 00:00:12,995
I love it.
7
00:00:13,062 --> 00:00:14,963
And look at
your view.
8
00:00:15,028 --> 00:00:17,829
You can see all
those kids smoking.
9
00:00:17,896 --> 00:00:20,629
Bonnie, get a picture of me
and the vice-principal
10
00:00:20,696 --> 00:00:21,796
on the detention couch.
11
00:00:21,863 --> 00:00:23,362
BONNIE: Oh.
12
00:00:23,429 --> 00:00:25,162
Come on.
13
00:00:25,229 --> 00:00:26,696
Look stern.
14
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:31,729
EDDIE: Woodcock,
we got a problem.
15
00:00:31,796 --> 00:00:34,696
Time to put out
another fire, Ma.
16
00:00:34,762 --> 00:00:37,929
Yeah, cart 7-A
is officially dead.
17
00:00:37,995 --> 00:00:39,729
Your complaint is noted.
18
00:00:39,796 --> 00:00:41,963
I'll bring it up
at the next equipment
and facilities brunch.
19
00:00:42,028 --> 00:00:43,896
Oh, you mean when you
bring a box of mini donuts
20
00:00:43,963 --> 00:00:46,462
down to Tom
in the boiler room?
21
00:00:46,529 --> 00:00:48,896
Called working
the system, Eddie.
22
00:00:48,963 --> 00:00:51,195
You should try it
sometime.
23
00:00:51,262 --> 00:00:52,929
Oh, Eddie,
meet my mom, Bonnie.
24
00:00:52,995 --> 00:00:54,362
Mom, this is
my neighbor Eddie,
25
00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,662
the one I was
telling you about.
26
00:00:55,729 --> 00:00:56,863
Oh.
27
00:00:56,929 --> 00:00:59,596
Yeah, you're right.
He is sort of handsome.
28
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:05,128
Well, thank you, Woodcock.
29
00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:07,929
That wasn't
the only thing I said.
30
00:01:07,995 --> 00:01:09,529
Well, it was
so nice to meet you.
31
00:01:09,596 --> 00:01:11,662
Oh, the pleasure's
all mine, Mrs. W.
32
00:01:11,729 --> 00:01:13,128
Well, we should get going.
33
00:01:13,195 --> 00:01:14,863
Our nail appointment's
at 10:00.
34
00:01:14,929 --> 00:01:18,762
And after that, we're gonna
hit the sale rack at Mervyn's.
My treat.
35
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,662
Bye, sweetie.
Bye-bye.
36
00:01:20,729 --> 00:01:22,128
Nice to meet you.
A pleasure.
37
00:01:22,195 --> 00:01:23,329
(SIGHS)
38
00:01:23,395 --> 00:01:25,963
There they go.
Two best girls.
39
00:01:26,028 --> 00:01:27,896
Yeah, it's quite a picture.
40
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,596
It's a shame
they hate each other.
41
00:01:31,529 --> 00:01:33,496
What?
Well, it's not just them.
42
00:01:33,562 --> 00:01:34,963
It's universal.
43
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,229
The mother and the wife
are bitter enemies.
44
00:01:37,295 --> 00:01:41,262
Always have been,
always will be.
It's God's way.
45
00:01:41,329 --> 00:01:43,629
Well, my mom and Steph,
they love each other.
46
00:01:43,696 --> 00:01:45,995
No, they don't.
Look, here's the thing.
47
00:01:51,295 --> 00:01:56,229
Now that you're married,
there's two Mrs. Woodcocks,
and that's far too many.
48
00:01:56,295 --> 00:01:58,496
Well, one's my wife
and the other's my mother.
49
00:01:58,562 --> 00:02:02,995
And they still need to prove
who's the alpha female,
like two she-wolves
50
00:02:03,062 --> 00:02:06,496
fighting over
the bloated carcass
of a dead caribou.
51
00:02:06,562 --> 00:02:08,929
Only the bloated carcass
is you.
52
00:02:10,395 --> 00:02:12,262
You make it sound so...
53
00:02:12,329 --> 00:02:14,529
Primal? Savage?
Oh, you betcha.
54
00:02:19,796 --> 00:02:22,729
What's going on
in there, Woodcock?
Let me in.
55
00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:26,496
I was just wondering
if I have the authority
56
00:02:26,562 --> 00:02:29,295
to transfer you
to another district.
57
00:02:29,362 --> 00:02:32,429
Oh, I know
it's hard to hear,
but it's all true.
58
00:02:32,496 --> 00:02:34,128
Well, I don't think
you're right.
59
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:35,863
Oh, I am right.
60
00:02:35,929 --> 00:02:37,995
I'm as right
as I am handsome.
61
00:02:40,128 --> 00:02:43,762
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! *
62
00:02:48,529 --> 00:02:50,362
Oh...
Oh...
63
00:02:50,429 --> 00:02:51,629
What a great dinner, huh?
64
00:02:51,696 --> 00:02:52,929
It was delicious.
65
00:02:52,995 --> 00:02:55,629
Oh, it was.
I love Chinese food.
66
00:02:55,696 --> 00:02:59,629
And you know what?
An orange for dessert
is plenty.
67
00:02:59,696 --> 00:03:03,462
Oh, and I'm sorry
you didn't get to order
your dumplings, Steph.
68
00:03:03,529 --> 00:03:08,095
It's okay.
Those cold noodles you
wanted to try were great.
69
00:03:08,162 --> 00:03:09,829
You know what else
is great, guys?
70
00:03:09,896 --> 00:03:12,562
This. This right here.
71
00:03:12,629 --> 00:03:14,896
God, this triangle
of love.
72
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,262
(LOUD BANG)
73
00:03:20,929 --> 00:03:22,429
(HORN HONKING)
74
00:03:32,829 --> 00:03:34,195
Anybody want ice cream?
75
00:03:38,395 --> 00:03:39,562
All right.
Good night, Ma.
76
00:03:39,629 --> 00:03:41,262
Hey, I left a bottle
of water by your bed
77
00:03:41,329 --> 00:03:43,162
just in case
you get thirsty.
78
00:03:43,229 --> 00:03:46,562
Look at Mr. Rockefeller
with his bottled water.
79
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,562
I love you.
Have a good night.
80
00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:52,128
(BLOWING KISS)
Hey, this was fun.
81
00:03:52,195 --> 00:03:53,529
Yeah.
82
00:04:01,362 --> 00:04:04,863
Well, uh, hey,
she seems all set.
83
00:04:06,395 --> 00:04:08,229
Yeah, you know,
I thought the bottle of water
84
00:04:08,295 --> 00:04:09,863
by the bed was
a good idea, you know.
85
00:04:09,929 --> 00:04:11,596
Chinese food always
makes me thirsty.
86
00:04:11,662 --> 00:04:13,562
Isn't it funny
how it does that?
87
00:04:15,262 --> 00:04:16,462
Mmm-hmm.
88
00:04:17,863 --> 00:04:19,829
Wow, it is
getting late.
89
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:22,762
Hey, you know what
we get to do tonight.
90
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,896
We get to try
the new air mattress.
91
00:04:24,963 --> 00:04:26,162
Ooh!
92
00:04:26,863 --> 00:04:29,529
It's bouncy, huh?
93
00:04:29,596 --> 00:04:33,896
Hey, we could pretend
we're elves making love
on a big marshmallow.
94
00:04:36,128 --> 00:04:39,662
Or we could play
that fun little game
we played earlier.
95
00:04:39,729 --> 00:04:42,529
You know, the one where
we're caught in the crossfire
outside of Woo's Palace
96
00:04:42,596 --> 00:04:44,863
and you save your mother
and leave me for dead.
97
00:04:46,796 --> 00:04:49,562
What? What, is that
how you read that?
98
00:04:50,195 --> 00:04:51,295
Come here, you.
99
00:04:51,362 --> 00:04:54,629
Okay, Jeff, we are not
having sex as elves,
100
00:04:54,696 --> 00:04:57,362
or humans or
anything else right now.
101
00:04:57,429 --> 00:04:59,429
Honey, don't you think
you're overreacting
just a little bit?
102
00:04:59,496 --> 00:05:01,762
I mean, it was
a scooter backfiring.
103
00:05:01,829 --> 00:05:04,696
Well, it sounded
like gunshots.
104
00:05:05,529 --> 00:05:07,629
I don't think it did.
105
00:05:08,462 --> 00:05:10,062
I can't believe this.
106
00:05:10,128 --> 00:05:11,462
You would take
a bullet for her,
107
00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:13,496
but me, you just
push to the side.
108
00:05:13,562 --> 00:05:14,995
She was nearest
to the shooter.
109
00:05:15,062 --> 00:05:16,596
And she's old.
She can't run.
110
00:05:16,662 --> 00:05:20,295
Oh, she had no trouble
running through that sale
at Mervyn's
111
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,629
to get to the London Fog
raincoat rack.
112
00:05:24,529 --> 00:05:27,829
Honey, I just...
I heard a noise
and I acted on instinct.
113
00:05:27,896 --> 00:05:30,529
Yeah, your instinct
was to protect your mom,
114
00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:32,796
just like your instinct
was to sell me down the river
115
00:05:32,863 --> 00:05:34,462
when I wanted
to order my dumplings.
116
00:05:34,529 --> 00:05:36,462
Aha! Yeah.
117
00:05:36,529 --> 00:05:38,429
See, I knew
that was bothering you.
118
00:05:38,496 --> 00:05:41,729
You know as well as I do
that we all agreed
on the noodles.
119
00:05:41,796 --> 00:05:45,295
No. You and your mother
voted against me.
120
00:05:45,362 --> 00:05:48,162
That's when
I went dead inside.
121
00:05:48,229 --> 00:05:51,295
Honey, hey, honey, look,
I'm sorry.
122
00:05:51,362 --> 00:05:54,295
Look, I'll do anything
to make it up to you,
I swear.
123
00:05:54,362 --> 00:05:56,529
From now on,
it's all about you.
124
00:05:56,596 --> 00:05:59,596
BONNIE: Jeffy, do you have
an extra pillow?
125
00:06:07,696 --> 00:06:09,596
Hey, are you using
that other one
just for reading?
126
00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:11,162
I'll give her mine.
127
00:06:19,362 --> 00:06:20,995
Where's the milk?
128
00:06:21,062 --> 00:06:22,896
It was either my cereal
or your coffee.
129
00:06:22,963 --> 00:06:24,295
My cereal won.
130
00:06:26,529 --> 00:06:27,729
Want me to
scoop out a little?
131
00:06:27,796 --> 00:06:29,329
I don't want
your used milk.
132
00:06:30,229 --> 00:06:32,295
It's fine.
It's pink.
133
00:06:32,362 --> 00:06:33,762
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
134
00:06:33,829 --> 00:06:35,195
Who's this?
135
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:38,429
Sorry, I'm a little
early for car pool,
136
00:06:38,496 --> 00:06:40,896
but things
are kind of tense
at my place.
137
00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:42,162
Want me to get you
some coffee?
138
00:06:42,229 --> 00:06:44,829
Sure.
Okay, you got it.
139
00:06:44,896 --> 00:06:46,762
Can I get it with
just a little milk?
140
00:06:54,195 --> 00:06:56,028
Here you go. Yeah.
141
00:07:03,796 --> 00:07:06,896
So to what do we owe
this mildly annoying
intrusion?
142
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:12,195
I kind of had
a little problem
in Chinatown last night.
143
00:07:12,262 --> 00:07:15,262
Yeah? Is the Kung Pao
starting to make its move?
144
00:07:19,062 --> 00:07:21,229
What? No. No.
145
00:07:22,662 --> 00:07:25,429
Well, I kind of thought
someone was shooting at us,
146
00:07:25,496 --> 00:07:27,729
and it turns out it was
just a scooter backfiring,
147
00:07:27,796 --> 00:07:31,128
and, well,
I dove to save my mom
148
00:07:31,195 --> 00:07:33,496
and kind of left Steph
for dead.
149
00:07:36,262 --> 00:07:38,295
God, that
makes me smile.
150
00:07:40,796 --> 00:07:42,028
Ow!
151
00:07:44,295 --> 00:07:46,195
What are you trying to do,
destroy your marriage?
152
00:07:46,262 --> 00:07:47,596
No, no, I was just...
153
00:07:47,662 --> 00:07:49,796
Get this
through your skull.
154
00:07:49,863 --> 00:07:52,929
Steph is the most
important woman in
your life right now, okay?
155
00:07:52,995 --> 00:07:56,262
There is only one
Mrs. Woodcock, one,
and that is your wife.
156
00:07:56,329 --> 00:08:01,429
Your mother is now
the artist formerly
known as Mrs. Woodcock.
157
00:08:01,496 --> 00:08:04,729
Listen to Big Red here.
She speaks the truth.
158
00:08:04,796 --> 00:08:06,863
I mean, what is your mother
visiting now for anyway, huh?
159
00:08:06,929 --> 00:08:09,662
You've been married,
what, like, seven minutes?
160
00:08:09,729 --> 00:08:11,729
You're still
laying the groundwork
for your marriage.
161
00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:13,462
The foundation isn't dry.
162
00:08:13,529 --> 00:08:15,162
Your wife needs time to...
163
00:08:15,229 --> 00:08:16,596
Spray her scent?
164
00:08:19,696 --> 00:08:22,028
What?
165
00:08:22,095 --> 00:08:24,195
You've got to
send your mother home
before it gets any worse.
166
00:08:24,262 --> 00:08:26,929
Put that woman
on a plane.
167
00:08:26,995 --> 00:08:29,262
Eddie cares very deeply
about his mother,
168
00:08:29,329 --> 00:08:31,395
but he made it clear
early on in our relationship
169
00:08:31,462 --> 00:08:32,562
who was number one.
170
00:08:32,629 --> 00:08:33,629
Mom's a fun lady,
171
00:08:33,696 --> 00:08:35,195
but she is not
my number one.
172
00:08:35,262 --> 00:08:37,596
Ow. Ow.
173
00:08:37,662 --> 00:08:39,729
Jeff, trust me
on this one, okay?
174
00:08:39,796 --> 00:08:40,829
I got to go to work.
175
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,262
Okay.
Love you.
176
00:08:42,329 --> 00:08:43,896
Okay.
All right, lollipop.
177
00:08:45,729 --> 00:08:47,863
Jeff.
Okay.
178
00:08:47,929 --> 00:08:49,929
I guess I could change
her plane ticket, but...
179
00:08:49,995 --> 00:08:52,429
Don't you dare do that
to your mother!
180
00:08:54,896 --> 00:08:56,929
What?
181
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,762
You just said to me
to put her on a plane.
182
00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:00,963
I don't care what I said
in front of her.
183
00:09:03,128 --> 00:09:04,863
That's just what
the wives want you to do,
184
00:09:04,929 --> 00:09:07,562
send your mom home
so they can drive
that wedge.
185
00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:09,995
Make you alienate the
one woman in the world
186
00:09:10,062 --> 00:09:11,963
who loves you
more than anything else.
187
00:09:12,028 --> 00:09:15,629
They can't love you
like that,
and it shames them.
188
00:09:15,696 --> 00:09:18,195
'Cause you gotta get
rid of that old woman.
189
00:09:19,629 --> 00:09:20,762
Bye.
190
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,963
Do not get rid
of that old woman.
191
00:09:25,028 --> 00:09:26,863
Well, no, maybe if I put
my mom on a plane,
192
00:09:26,929 --> 00:09:29,429
Steph will calm down
and the whole thing
will blow over.
193
00:09:29,496 --> 00:09:31,128
Blow over?
Yeah.
194
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,629
I'm gonna tell you
a story.
195
00:09:33,395 --> 00:09:35,062
The year was 1991.
196
00:09:35,995 --> 00:09:37,229
The place was Papa Lasagna's,
197
00:09:37,295 --> 00:09:39,796
home of Papa Lasagna's
famous veal lasagna.
198
00:09:41,162 --> 00:09:43,062
I was there with
my mother and Joy
199
00:09:43,128 --> 00:09:45,929
and Joy orders
a personal pan pizza
200
00:09:45,995 --> 00:09:48,128
and my mom
innocently says,
201
00:09:48,195 --> 00:09:50,796
"I've never seen a woman
eat a whole pizza pie."
202
00:09:50,863 --> 00:09:54,529
And somehow, to Joy,
that meant, "Your ass
is as big as Kansas."
203
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:59,395
Well, you can imagine.
We fought for three months,
204
00:09:59,462 --> 00:10:03,028
and I defended my mom
and I tried to explain to Joy
205
00:10:03,095 --> 00:10:04,896
that she didn't mean
anything by it,
206
00:10:04,963 --> 00:10:06,929
but at the end of the day,
you have to pick a side,
207
00:10:06,995 --> 00:10:09,395
and I picked the one
that I liked seeing naked.
208
00:10:12,429 --> 00:10:14,362
Joy.
Oh.
209
00:10:19,796 --> 00:10:22,395
You know, first you tell me
not to put my mom
on a plane.
210
00:10:22,462 --> 00:10:25,696
Now you're telling me
to choose my wife.
I'm totally confused.
211
00:10:25,762 --> 00:10:28,262
All right, all right,
look, Woodcock,
this is what you do, okay?
212
00:10:28,329 --> 00:10:30,696
To the outside world,
you choose your wife,
213
00:10:30,762 --> 00:10:34,529
but you take
the relationship with
your mother underground.
214
00:10:36,696 --> 00:10:38,262
What do you mean,
"underground"?
215
00:10:38,329 --> 00:10:40,128
Well, you start
phoning her from work.
216
00:10:40,195 --> 00:10:42,295
You set up
a secret e-mail
217
00:10:42,362 --> 00:10:45,329
with a clever username
known only to her.
218
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,128
For you, I suggest
freddylipswack52.
219
00:10:50,362 --> 00:10:53,429
What?
It's just a little
something I noticed.
220
00:10:55,128 --> 00:10:56,696
You also want to have
a secret credit card
221
00:10:56,762 --> 00:10:59,128
so you don't need
her approval to get
your mom special gifts,
222
00:10:59,195 --> 00:11:03,295
like that combination TV/VCR
so she only has to learn
one remote.
223
00:11:03,362 --> 00:11:04,963
Wait.
224
00:11:05,028 --> 00:11:07,095
You have
a secret credit card?
225
00:11:07,162 --> 00:11:09,095
I'll do you one better.
226
00:11:09,162 --> 00:11:10,896
With the miles
that I earned on it,
227
00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:15,329
I actually took my mom
to Cabo San Lucas
on the down-low
228
00:11:15,395 --> 00:11:17,829
on what turned out to be
one of the most
wonderful weekends
229
00:11:17,896 --> 00:11:20,929
of both of our lives.
230
00:11:20,995 --> 00:11:24,429
Are you suggesting
that I have an affair
with my mother?
231
00:11:24,496 --> 00:11:26,696
That's too creepy.
232
00:11:26,762 --> 00:11:28,362
It can be.
233
00:11:28,429 --> 00:11:30,195
Make sure you get
two double beds.
234
00:11:33,128 --> 00:11:34,496
Learn from my mistake.
235
00:11:41,729 --> 00:11:43,028
JEFF: I'm sorry I have
to send you home.
236
00:11:43,095 --> 00:11:45,095
It's just...
Steph is still really upset
237
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:48,429
about this whole stupid
backfire/gunshot thing.
238
00:11:48,496 --> 00:11:50,329
Yeah.
239
00:11:50,395 --> 00:11:52,729
I took an Ambien
around midnight.
240
00:11:53,729 --> 00:11:55,729
Did she ever stop yelling?
241
00:11:55,796 --> 00:11:58,395
Not so much.
242
00:11:58,462 --> 00:12:00,863
Anyway, you know,
you're only leaving
a few days early
243
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,629
and, hey, you get
that nice, leisurely
layover,
244
00:12:03,696 --> 00:12:06,329
so you can shop
and get some lunch...
245
00:12:06,395 --> 00:12:09,295
Mmm-hmm.
...and maybe
some dinner and...
246
00:12:11,195 --> 00:12:13,896
Wish I was flying
through Detroit,
I'll tell you that.
247
00:12:13,963 --> 00:12:16,662
Sweetie, don't worry
about it.
248
00:12:16,729 --> 00:12:19,696
I got my book
of crossword puzzles
and my yogurt.
249
00:12:19,762 --> 00:12:21,429
I'll be just fine.
250
00:12:21,995 --> 00:12:23,729
I know, but...
251
00:12:23,796 --> 00:12:29,095
Oh, Jeffrey, it's important
for you and Steph
to get your life settled.
252
00:12:29,162 --> 00:12:31,529
I'm in the way right now
and I should go
253
00:12:31,596 --> 00:12:33,596
so you two
can work things out.
254
00:12:34,929 --> 00:12:38,028
Honey, you know I love you
more than anything.
255
00:12:38,095 --> 00:12:39,829
Yeah, I know that.
256
00:12:39,896 --> 00:12:42,762
My only goal is to
make sure you're happy,
257
00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:45,128
even if I'm not there
to see it.
258
00:12:48,896 --> 00:12:50,062
You're not going
anywhere.
259
00:12:52,362 --> 00:12:54,062
(JINGLE PLAYING)
260
00:12:54,128 --> 00:12:55,362
I don't know.
261
00:12:55,429 --> 00:12:59,229
Is it evil that
I actually let Jeff
send his mom away?
262
00:12:59,295 --> 00:13:02,596
Are you kidding?
Jeff was gonna let
the Chinese guy kill you.
263
00:13:04,829 --> 00:13:07,662
Hey, what are you ladies
doing, making a quilt?
264
00:13:10,429 --> 00:13:12,829
No, Eddie, we're having
what's called a conversation.
265
00:13:12,896 --> 00:13:14,362
Okay, geniuses.
266
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:19,162
I just... I still feel
kind of guilty.
267
00:13:19,229 --> 00:13:23,729
Steph, let me tell you
a little story about
mother-in-laws.
268
00:13:23,796 --> 00:13:25,796
When we were first married,
269
00:13:25,863 --> 00:13:29,729
Eddie drags me to this
crappy Italian restaurant,
Papa Lasagna's,
270
00:13:29,796 --> 00:13:31,596
with his mother.
271
00:13:31,662 --> 00:13:33,295
She just can't let it go.
272
00:13:35,863 --> 00:13:41,562
I order this tiny, little
personal pan pizza.
273
00:13:41,629 --> 00:13:44,596
She looks me
straight in the eye.
Tells me I'm fat.
274
00:13:45,362 --> 00:13:46,729
(CLATTERING)
275
00:13:48,596 --> 00:13:51,896
Come on, Eddie.
Back me up on this.
Remember how rude she was?
276
00:13:51,963 --> 00:13:55,162
Yes. What part
of personal pan pizza
didn't she understand?
277
00:13:58,262 --> 00:14:01,629
Well, I should go.
Jeff's gonna be home
from the airport soon.
278
00:14:01,696 --> 00:14:04,229
I'll walk you out.
I'm going out.
279
00:14:04,295 --> 00:14:05,696
EDDIE: Hallelujah.
280
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,028
Every time
I tell the pizza story,
281
00:14:09,095 --> 00:14:12,362
I desperately need to eat
a personal pan pizza.
282
00:14:12,429 --> 00:14:14,329
You know what I like to do?
I like to fold 'em in half
283
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,028
and eat 'em like a taco.
284
00:14:18,762 --> 00:14:20,028
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
285
00:14:25,829 --> 00:14:27,529
I couldn't do it.
I was on the way
to the airport.
286
00:14:27,596 --> 00:14:29,863
I just couldn't do it.
It's not fair to Ma.
287
00:14:29,929 --> 00:14:31,562
Well, good for you, Woodcock.
You did the right thing.
288
00:14:31,629 --> 00:14:33,863
Oh, just wait.
289
00:14:33,929 --> 00:14:36,295
I just... I gotta
talk this over with Steph,
290
00:14:36,362 --> 00:14:38,095
so can I just leave Mom here
for a little while?
291
00:14:38,162 --> 00:14:40,462
(STAMMERS) Wait. Here?
That's kind of weird.
292
00:14:40,529 --> 00:14:42,929
You know,
there's a Red Roof Inn
right near Doylestown.
293
00:14:43,629 --> 00:14:45,162
Eddie, please?
294
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:49,295
All right. I will give
your mother safe harbor.
295
00:14:50,395 --> 00:14:52,128
Are you sure
about this, Jeff?
296
00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:54,462
Don't worry, Ma.
He's huge, but he's kind.
297
00:15:07,429 --> 00:15:08,762
Have you been to Cabo?
298
00:15:19,229 --> 00:15:22,496
Hi, honey, listen,
I gotta talk to you
for one second.
299
00:15:26,062 --> 00:15:28,195
Baby, I am so sorry
about this whole thing.
300
00:15:28,262 --> 00:15:31,128
Oh, so am I. Look...
I know you love
your mother very much,
301
00:15:31,195 --> 00:15:32,995
and I should never
have put you in
the position
302
00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:34,762
of having to choose
between us.
303
00:15:34,829 --> 00:15:37,062
Really? So you didn't
want me to put my mom
on a plane?
304
00:15:37,128 --> 00:15:40,429
Oh, no. I'm so glad
you did that.
305
00:15:40,496 --> 00:15:43,362
Now, I just ordered
Chinese food,
306
00:15:43,429 --> 00:15:45,462
so I can finally
get those dumplings
307
00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:47,429
and that gives us
about a half hour
308
00:15:47,496 --> 00:15:50,128
to play elves
on a marshmallow.
309
00:15:50,195 --> 00:15:51,395
(GIGGLING)
310
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,929
Uh... Okay.
311
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,229
Eddie?
312
00:16:05,395 --> 00:16:06,696
Did you clean?
313
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,128
What is that smell?
It's so...
314
00:16:14,729 --> 00:16:16,062
Delicious.
315
00:16:24,295 --> 00:16:25,662
Who are you?
316
00:16:25,729 --> 00:16:27,762
Oh, this is Jeff's
mother from next door.
317
00:16:27,829 --> 00:16:30,028
And look. She baked
a gingerbread Eddie.
318
00:16:34,329 --> 00:16:38,262
It's delicious.
Try one of my arms.
319
00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:41,395
It's very nice to meet you.
You have a lovely home.
320
00:16:41,462 --> 00:16:44,162
Thank you. I thought
Jeff was taking you
to the airport.
321
00:16:44,229 --> 00:16:45,496
So did I.
322
00:16:46,128 --> 00:16:48,362
Eddie?
323
00:16:48,429 --> 00:16:51,395
Oh, excuse us for
a moment, won't you,
Mother Woodcock?
324
00:16:54,395 --> 00:16:56,295
Yes?
Come in here
for a second.
325
00:16:58,863 --> 00:17:01,963
Why is Jeff's mother
in our kitchen
giving you a haircut?
326
00:17:02,028 --> 00:17:04,896
Well, you know my regular guy
is having boyfriend problems.
327
00:17:14,229 --> 00:17:16,395
All right, look. Jeff
just wanted to keep her here
328
00:17:16,462 --> 00:17:19,362
until he had an opportunity
to go home and explain
everything to Steph.
329
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:22,028
Wait, wait, wait.
Steph doesn't know
that she's here?
330
00:17:22,629 --> 00:17:23,829
Not exactly.
331
00:17:24,995 --> 00:17:27,395
Does she think that
his mother's on a plane?
332
00:17:27,462 --> 00:17:28,662
No comment.
333
00:17:29,696 --> 00:17:31,362
You know what?
That is it.
334
00:17:31,429 --> 00:17:33,062
I am not going
to be a part of lying
to Steph about this.
335
00:17:33,128 --> 00:17:34,963
We are taking her
back to the...
Oh, no, you're not.
336
00:17:35,028 --> 00:17:37,963
I'm not gonna allow you
to chase another mother
out of our house.
337
00:17:40,429 --> 00:17:41,496
What?
338
00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:44,128
And P.S., my mom
never called you fat.
339
00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:45,762
This is not about
your mother.
340
00:17:45,829 --> 00:17:48,062
Oh, this is exactly
about my mother.
341
00:17:48,128 --> 00:17:49,329
And you wanna know
something else?
342
00:17:49,395 --> 00:17:51,696
Just for the record,
the only thing my mom said
343
00:17:51,762 --> 00:17:55,095
is a whole pizza just for you
seems like a lot of food.
344
00:17:55,162 --> 00:17:56,429
She didn't know
what she was saying.
345
00:17:56,496 --> 00:17:59,229
She'd never heard
of personal pizzas before.
346
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:05,028
She came from a generation
where pizzas only came
in one size. Huge!
347
00:18:05,095 --> 00:18:08,262
And I suppose she
didn't mean anything by it
when she snorted
348
00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:11,395
when I sprinkled
a teensy bit of Parmesan on top of it.
349
00:18:11,462 --> 00:18:12,796
What the hell
were you trying to do,
350
00:18:12,863 --> 00:18:14,896
set a world record
for cheese eating?
351
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:20,729
It is a personal
pan pizza.
352
00:18:20,796 --> 00:18:23,329
Personal. Am I crazy,
Mrs. Woodcock,
353
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:26,295
or is this not
a pizza for one person?
354
00:18:26,362 --> 00:18:28,896
I wouldn't want to get in
the middle of this.
355
00:18:28,963 --> 00:18:30,696
But it does seem like it might be
a challenge
356
00:18:30,762 --> 00:18:33,362
for a lady to finish that
in one sitting.
357
00:18:38,562 --> 00:18:39,896
Get out!
358
00:18:40,796 --> 00:18:42,095
Get out!
359
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,796
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
360
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,162
Just a minute.
361
00:18:53,629 --> 00:18:55,028
You're not Chinese food.
362
00:18:56,395 --> 00:18:58,929
Jeff, I am not
gonna be a part of this.
363
00:18:58,995 --> 00:19:00,295
STEPH: Part of what?
364
00:19:00,362 --> 00:19:02,596
What's going on? Bonnie?
365
00:19:02,662 --> 00:19:04,295
Jeff, I thought
you took your mom to the airport.
366
00:19:04,362 --> 00:19:06,162
I did. I mean I was...
367
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:07,863
He was hiding her
at our house.
368
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:09,496
Really?
Yes.
369
00:19:09,562 --> 00:19:13,529
So he came home, lied to me,
and then we made love?
370
00:19:13,596 --> 00:19:15,529
Didn't know that part,
but yes.
371
00:19:16,729 --> 00:19:18,662
I can't believe
you did this.
372
00:19:18,729 --> 00:19:20,362
How could you lie to me?
373
00:19:20,429 --> 00:19:21,896
He had no choice.
374
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,896
We all lie.
375
00:19:25,963 --> 00:19:29,429
We have to when you
make us take your side
over our own mothers.
376
00:19:29,496 --> 00:19:31,529
So he kept his mom
at our house
for the afternoon.
377
00:19:31,596 --> 00:19:32,796
What's the big deal?
378
00:19:32,863 --> 00:19:35,995
But married people
don't lie to each other.
379
00:19:44,395 --> 00:19:45,529
What?
380
00:19:47,496 --> 00:19:49,062
Of course we do.
381
00:19:49,128 --> 00:19:50,395
Hell, there was
this one time
382
00:19:50,462 --> 00:19:52,429
I actually told Joy
that I was going
383
00:19:52,496 --> 00:19:53,995
to a history teacher's
symposium
384
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:57,028
and I was actually with my mother
in Cabo San Lucas.
385
00:20:04,362 --> 00:20:06,229
Silly question.
Is Joy still here?
386
00:20:08,195 --> 00:20:09,863
Yep.
387
00:20:09,929 --> 00:20:12,028
Do you happen to own
a protective cup?
388
00:20:22,062 --> 00:20:24,329
All right,
what about that one?
389
00:20:24,395 --> 00:20:26,662
Oh, that's where I bought my mom
a day of beauty.
390
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,562
All right,
how about this one?
391
00:20:32,995 --> 00:20:36,696
That was a pair of high-end
orthopedic shoes.
392
00:20:36,762 --> 00:20:39,195
Long story short,
she's dancing again.
393
00:20:41,662 --> 00:20:43,162
All right, that one.
394
00:20:43,229 --> 00:20:45,796
Oh, that was
the commemorative
100th episode
395
00:20:45,863 --> 00:20:48,362
Matlock box set with
an additional commentary
396
00:20:48,429 --> 00:20:49,696
from Andy Griffith.
397
00:20:52,128 --> 00:20:53,829
Okay, throw in Cabo.
398
00:20:53,896 --> 00:20:56,662
That's another two grand.
399
00:20:56,729 --> 00:20:59,229
Carry the one,
that comes to...
400
00:21:02,229 --> 00:21:04,429
I'm redoing the kitchen,
401
00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:06,162
and I'm buying myself
a horse.
402
00:21:08,229 --> 00:21:09,762
A horse?
Yeah.
30471
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