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1
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www.tvsubtitles.net
2
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Oh, I took way too much
hand cream. Here.
3
00:00:10,340 --> 00:00:12,006
What do you
want me to do?
4
00:00:12,073 --> 00:00:13,840
Take my extra cream.
5
00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:16,473
What?
6
00:00:16,540 --> 00:00:20,807
Rub your hands against mine
and wipe some of this off.
7
00:00:20,874 --> 00:00:23,073
I'm just trying
to live my life here.
8
00:00:23,139 --> 00:00:25,974
It's expensive lotion.
I don't want to waste it.
9
00:00:26,039 --> 00:00:28,874
Joy, get a Kleenex
and sacrifice the cream.
10
00:00:30,006 --> 00:00:32,874
Is touching me really
that repulsive to you?
11
00:00:32,940 --> 00:00:35,006
Right now, yes.
12
00:00:35,073 --> 00:00:37,273
The thought of clasping
your greasy hands
13
00:00:37,340 --> 00:00:39,440
to transfer
your cream onto me
14
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,206
is making me
want to throw up.
15
00:00:41,273 --> 00:00:43,507
Are you happy?
16
00:00:43,573 --> 00:00:45,773
Oh, you're taking my cream.
No, I'm not.
17
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,440
You're going
to take the cream.
18
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,373
Oh, God!
19
00:00:52,507 --> 00:00:54,473
Stop it.
Stop it.
20
00:01:00,807 --> 00:01:04,106
Okay, was that foreplay
or is this over?
21
00:01:04,173 --> 00:01:05,573
* All right!
22
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,807
* Hey!
23
00:01:06,874 --> 00:01:09,206
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
24
00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:16,240
You almost ready?
25
00:01:16,306 --> 00:01:18,707
You are not
going to believe this.
26
00:01:22,507 --> 00:01:25,573
Good Lord.
That came from one toe?
27
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,907
I didn't think
I'd get her clean.
28
00:01:30,039 --> 00:01:32,473
I could harvest wheat
with that thing.
29
00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:38,440
I'm very proud.
We have to go.
All right.
30
00:01:38,507 --> 00:01:41,673
So tell me... Tell me
why we're going out
with the Woodcocks again.
31
00:01:41,740 --> 00:01:44,073
They are taking us
to dinner to thank us.
32
00:01:44,139 --> 00:01:46,340
What for?
For having them
over for dinner.
33
00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:48,507
And after they take us out
to dinner to thank us,
34
00:01:48,573 --> 00:01:50,773
are we then required
to take them out to dinner
35
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,773
to thank them
for the thank you dinner
that they took us to?
36
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,974
Don't you see?
This is a vicious circle
of thank you hell,
37
00:01:58,039 --> 00:02:01,540
and I want to get off
the merry-go-round, lady.
38
00:02:01,607 --> 00:02:02,907
Put on a shirt.
39
00:02:02,974 --> 00:02:04,106
Okay.
40
00:02:10,306 --> 00:02:11,473
No.
41
00:02:13,406 --> 00:02:16,974
Eddie, the toilet
is still running.
It is driving me insane.
42
00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:18,740
Are you ever going to
fix that thing?
43
00:02:18,807 --> 00:02:21,940
The problem isn't the toilet,
the problem is you.
44
00:02:22,006 --> 00:02:24,240
You flush wrong.
45
00:02:24,306 --> 00:02:25,740
Okay. I know
how to flush a toilet.
46
00:02:25,807 --> 00:02:28,273
I've been flushing toilets
my entire life.
47
00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:29,507
Yes, but not well.
48
00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:35,440
A toast
to our new neighbors
49
00:02:35,507 --> 00:02:38,607
who took us under their wing,
had us for dinner
when we didn't know anybody.
50
00:02:38,673 --> 00:02:40,106
Thank you, guys.
Seriously.
51
00:02:40,173 --> 00:02:41,773
Happy to do it.
52
00:02:43,673 --> 00:02:48,573
So, we're all even-steven
with the thank-yous, right?
53
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,173
Nobody owes
anybody anything.
54
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,673
We just get to all
walk away clean.
55
00:02:57,006 --> 00:03:01,240
Oh, the French sure
like their old-fashioned ads,
don't they?
56
00:03:02,273 --> 00:03:03,640
Are you folks
ready to order?
57
00:03:03,707 --> 00:03:06,440
I would like to have
the onion soup
58
00:03:06,507 --> 00:03:08,974
and then the mussels.
59
00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:10,773
And, anybody, wine?
60
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:11,974
I'm okay.
61
00:03:12,039 --> 00:03:14,039
Bottle of merlot.
One glass.
62
00:03:15,306 --> 00:03:17,607
Trout salad for me, please.
63
00:03:17,673 --> 00:03:18,740
Ooh!
64
00:03:21,139 --> 00:03:23,974
I'll... I'll go with
the half a chicken,
65
00:03:24,039 --> 00:03:28,106
and I'm desperately
hoping that pommes frites
are French fries.
66
00:03:29,473 --> 00:03:32,473
Aw. I was going to get that.
67
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,707
So, what's the problem?
68
00:03:35,773 --> 00:03:37,907
I don't want to get
the same thing as you.
69
00:03:37,974 --> 00:03:39,573
Why not?
70
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,540
Don't you think
it'd be more fun if we all
get different things?
71
00:03:42,607 --> 00:03:46,073
I think it'd be
exactly the same amount
of fun either way.
72
00:03:48,139 --> 00:03:50,840
Just for variety,
sometimes we like to,
73
00:03:50,907 --> 00:03:52,940
you know,
taste each other's food.
74
00:03:53,006 --> 00:03:56,673
Yeah, you'd like that,
wouldn't you,
Mr. Trout Salad?
75
00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:58,840
Sweetie, maybe you should
just change your order.
76
00:03:58,907 --> 00:04:01,507
No. I have never seen
anything like this in my life.
77
00:04:01,573 --> 00:04:03,507
I want the half chicken.
78
00:04:03,573 --> 00:04:06,173
Honey, I'm sure
that there's half
of another animal
79
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,473
on this menu
that appeals to you.
80
00:04:14,340 --> 00:04:16,974
Just switch me
to the steak, Rene.
81
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:20,173
And I will have...
82
00:04:24,573 --> 00:04:25,773
If she doesn't
order the chicken,
83
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,273
I'm going to tip
this table over.
84
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:31,006
I'll go
with the chicken.
85
00:04:31,073 --> 00:04:33,073
So, what are you two
up to for the weekend?
86
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:34,540
Well, tomorrow
we're going hiking.
87
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,206
Nice.
You guys hike?
88
00:04:36,273 --> 00:04:38,440
Oh, God, no.
89
00:04:38,507 --> 00:04:41,773
No, I find
the silence of the woods
a little terrifying.
90
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:43,707
We love it.
91
00:04:43,773 --> 00:04:45,974
Jeff actually proposed
to me on a hike.
92
00:04:46,039 --> 00:04:47,607
Guilty as charged.
93
00:04:47,673 --> 00:04:48,907
It was so romantic.
94
00:04:48,974 --> 00:04:50,773
We were in Colorado and
we hiked up this mountain
95
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:53,240
to watch the sunrise,
and when we got up there,
96
00:04:53,306 --> 00:04:56,240
there was already
this incredible picnic
waiting for us.
97
00:04:56,306 --> 00:04:57,640
I hiked up in
the middle of the night
98
00:04:57,707 --> 00:04:59,240
and I set it all up.
99
00:04:59,306 --> 00:05:02,340
And then I noticed his face
was kind of bloody.
100
00:05:02,406 --> 00:05:04,006
My foot got caught
on a root on the way down
101
00:05:04,073 --> 00:05:07,440
and I went face first
into an old bridge.
102
00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:12,440
Chipped the orbital bone
around my eye,
but it was all worth it.
103
00:05:12,507 --> 00:05:15,974
Anyways, the sun came up,
he told me he wanted
to be with me forever,
104
00:05:16,039 --> 00:05:18,607
and then handed me
half a cantaloupe.
105
00:05:18,673 --> 00:05:20,139
That's her
favorite melon.
106
00:05:20,206 --> 00:05:22,473
And right there
in the middle of it,
in the, you know...
107
00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:23,607
The part
with the seeds.
108
00:05:23,673 --> 00:05:26,273
There was this incredible
diamond ring.
109
00:05:27,139 --> 00:05:29,306
Wow. It's beautiful.
110
00:05:31,673 --> 00:05:33,306
Pardon me, ladies.
111
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,273
I'm going to go
bomb downtown Paris.
112
00:05:42,573 --> 00:05:45,607
How can you not think
their story was romantic?
113
00:05:45,673 --> 00:05:50,073
Oh, come on.
Her ring is buried in
some stringy melon crud,
114
00:05:50,139 --> 00:05:51,707
his eyeball's falling out.
115
00:05:51,773 --> 00:05:54,507
It sounds like
a horror movie.
116
00:05:54,573 --> 00:05:57,240
And I suppose you think
the way you proposed
to me was better.
117
00:05:57,306 --> 00:05:58,640
Absolutely.
118
00:05:58,707 --> 00:06:01,206
On the way out
of the movie Top Gun?
119
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,206
Yes. I was emotional
and I asked you
120
00:06:06,273 --> 00:06:09,039
if you would ride
into the danger zone
with me.
121
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,306
And then your
Datsun broke down
122
00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:15,840
and we literally
had to push it
123
00:06:15,907 --> 00:06:18,573
through the danger zone
during a police strike.
124
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,607
And you know what?
125
00:06:20,673 --> 00:06:23,473
When I saw you push
that car, I knew
you were the girl for me.
126
00:06:23,540 --> 00:06:26,373
You got a lot of power
in that lower body.
127
00:06:28,607 --> 00:06:31,306
Yeah, well I thought
that Steph's ring
was really nice,
128
00:06:31,373 --> 00:06:33,173
and I seemed to recall,
129
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,039
while we were rocking
your Datsun
out of a pothole,
130
00:06:36,106 --> 00:06:38,273
that you promised
that you would buy me
an engagement ring
131
00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:40,940
when you had more money,
but you never did.
132
00:06:41,006 --> 00:06:42,406
I see.
133
00:06:42,473 --> 00:06:44,073
So, the problem is
the little Woodcock girl
134
00:06:44,139 --> 00:06:46,139
has a ring and you don't.
135
00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:48,807
Maybe.
136
00:06:48,874 --> 00:06:52,573
Mmm-hmm. And are you aware
that illegal
or "blood diamonds,"
137
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,073
as they're
more commonly known,
138
00:06:55,139 --> 00:06:58,073
have funded civil wars
throughout Africa
139
00:06:58,139 --> 00:06:59,740
and have played
a part in the deaths
140
00:06:59,807 --> 00:07:02,106
of thousands
of innocent people.
141
00:07:03,473 --> 00:07:05,540
They're so sparkly.
142
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,139
Joy, we have been
together forever, okay?
143
00:07:09,206 --> 00:07:12,039
Diamond rings are
for young, stupid people.
144
00:07:12,707 --> 00:07:13,874
And come on,
145
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:16,607
do you really expect me to
buy you an engagement ring?
146
00:07:16,673 --> 00:07:18,073
You're not like that.
147
00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:20,373
You know what?
Maybe I am like that.
148
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,440
Is that so crazy?
149
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:23,406
You promised me one.
150
00:07:23,473 --> 00:07:26,006
Okay, again,
right after Top Gun.
151
00:07:26,073 --> 00:07:27,306
I was emotional.
152
00:07:27,373 --> 00:07:28,907
Goose was dead.
153
00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:33,206
I don't think
that it's so awful
154
00:07:33,273 --> 00:07:35,273
that I should be able
to look down at my hand
155
00:07:35,340 --> 00:07:37,139
and see a symbol
of our love.
156
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,106
Okay. How about
the symbol of our love
157
00:07:39,173 --> 00:07:41,673
is the fact that
we're not divorced?
158
00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:49,840
And here we go
with the slamming.
159
00:07:49,907 --> 00:07:51,940
You know what?
Never mind.
160
00:07:52,006 --> 00:07:54,974
I don't know why after
20 years I should expect
anything different.
161
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,640
You are a passionless,
162
00:07:56,707 --> 00:07:58,673
completely unromantic person.
163
00:07:58,740 --> 00:08:02,607
Which was fine with you
until the Woodcocks
moved in next door.
164
00:08:02,673 --> 00:08:03,707
Yeah, okay, fine.
165
00:08:03,773 --> 00:08:05,640
Going out with them
opened my eyes.
166
00:08:05,707 --> 00:08:07,707
He actually
fed her dessert.
167
00:08:07,773 --> 00:08:12,173
Yeah, did you see
the way she choked a little
on that big spoon?
168
00:08:14,273 --> 00:08:15,940
It was fantastic.
169
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,740
Oh, and, of course,
the toilet is still running.
170
00:08:20,807 --> 00:08:22,440
I guess
this is our life.
171
00:08:22,507 --> 00:08:23,940
Hope you're happy.
172
00:08:24,006 --> 00:08:27,507
I'd be a lot happier
if you'd learn
how to flush correctly.
173
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:29,940
I know
how to flush a toilet.
174
00:08:31,507 --> 00:08:33,974
No, you don't.
175
00:08:38,807 --> 00:08:40,306
I really think
it's wonderful
176
00:08:40,373 --> 00:08:41,640
that you're celebrating
Joy this way.
177
00:08:41,707 --> 00:08:43,907
Okay. First of all,
take two steps back,
178
00:08:43,974 --> 00:08:46,607
because I feel
your hot breath on my neck.
179
00:08:48,273 --> 00:08:49,640
Hey, how about
that one there?
180
00:08:49,707 --> 00:08:51,173
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
181
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,306
You can't just pick out
a ring that quickly.
182
00:08:53,373 --> 00:08:55,807
Okay, Woodcock, listen,
we are catty-corner
183
00:08:55,874 --> 00:08:57,440
to a Jody Maroni
sausage stand
184
00:08:57,507 --> 00:08:59,773
and it just happens
to be Andouille Tuesday.
185
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,874
So, we're going to make
all of this go quick.
186
00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:03,139
What can I do
for you today?
187
00:09:03,206 --> 00:09:05,840
My friend here
is looking to buy
an engagement ring.
188
00:09:05,907 --> 00:09:08,139
Great. And how much
are you looking to spend?
189
00:09:08,206 --> 00:09:10,006
Ten million dollars.
190
00:09:10,073 --> 00:09:11,440
That's why I'm buying
diamonds at a store
191
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,573
next to a Lady Foot Locker.
192
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,507
Why don't you just put
that one in a bag?
Right there.
193
00:09:16,573 --> 00:09:18,440
Well, I really wouldn't
be doing my job
194
00:09:18,507 --> 00:09:20,106
if I didn't mention
the four C's.
195
00:09:20,173 --> 00:09:23,106
They stand for color,
cut, clarity, and carat.
196
00:09:23,173 --> 00:09:25,240
Hey, you know what,
Woodcock?
197
00:09:25,306 --> 00:09:28,473
I think it's time for you
to go up to level three
and build a bear.
198
00:09:28,540 --> 00:09:30,940
I am trying to help.
199
00:09:31,006 --> 00:09:33,373
Well, why don't you
tell me a little bit
about the bride.
200
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,707
Is she a romantic type?
201
00:09:34,773 --> 00:09:36,240
Not really.
202
00:09:36,306 --> 00:09:37,507
Is she funky?
203
00:09:37,573 --> 00:09:39,573
Sometimes after she jogs.
204
00:09:43,507 --> 00:09:46,373
Actually, I meant
is she free-spirited
or more...
205
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:47,974
Look, look, look.
I'm just gonna level with you.
206
00:09:48,039 --> 00:09:51,006
She's just really pissed off
and I really want sausage,
okay?
207
00:09:51,073 --> 00:09:55,173
So, look, I got
$1,500 available
on my Discover Card.
208
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:57,540
I'm going to close my eyes
and you're going to
make it happen.
209
00:09:57,607 --> 00:09:58,640
Eddie, I really think...
210
00:09:58,707 --> 00:10:01,173
That bear's not
going to build itself!
211
00:10:01,907 --> 00:10:04,073
(JINGLE PLAYING)
212
00:10:09,573 --> 00:10:12,073
There's my sweet-ass baby.
Think fast.
213
00:10:15,306 --> 00:10:16,340
Ow.
214
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:19,673
What is this?
215
00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:20,907
There it is.
216
00:10:20,974 --> 00:10:22,773
The symbol of our love.
217
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:25,940
You bought me a ring?
218
00:10:26,006 --> 00:10:27,440
Yep. And it wasn't cheap,
219
00:10:27,507 --> 00:10:31,173
so feel free to start
taking off my pants
at any time.
220
00:10:33,974 --> 00:10:36,073
Check out the inscription.
221
00:10:36,139 --> 00:10:41,673
If found, call 215-227-3898.
222
00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:43,907
It's our phone number.
223
00:10:43,974 --> 00:10:47,073
So, basically,
it's a dog tag.
224
00:10:47,139 --> 00:10:49,640
Okay. What exactly
is your problem?
225
00:10:49,707 --> 00:10:50,874
What's my problem?
226
00:10:50,940 --> 00:10:52,907
Yes.
What's my problem?
227
00:10:52,974 --> 00:10:54,139
That's the question
on the table.
228
00:10:54,206 --> 00:10:55,807
You want to know
what my problem is?
229
00:10:55,874 --> 00:10:58,640
I don't know how to make that
any clearer.
230
00:10:58,707 --> 00:11:00,907
You're sitting
there watching TV.
231
00:11:00,974 --> 00:11:02,340
You throw this ring at me,
232
00:11:02,406 --> 00:11:04,073
you hit me pretty hard
in the boob...
233
00:11:04,139 --> 00:11:05,273
I lobbed it.
234
00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:07,340
You winged it.
Oh, come on.
235
00:11:07,406 --> 00:11:09,173
It was a gentle,
festive toss,
236
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:12,139
like I was pitching
softball to a slow kid.
237
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,874
Look...
238
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,139
The point is,
I'm a little shocked
at your response here.
239
00:11:21,206 --> 00:11:22,673
Really?
Yes.
240
00:11:22,740 --> 00:11:24,473
Joy, we've been married
for 20 years,
241
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:27,874
and after one very buttery,
hard to digest French meal,
242
00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:30,807
all of a sudden
you're demanding
an engagement ring,
243
00:11:30,874 --> 00:11:32,540
which, quite frankly,
is like slopping
244
00:11:32,607 --> 00:11:34,139
a new hood ornament
on a car
245
00:11:34,206 --> 00:11:37,240
that I've been driving
since high school.
246
00:11:42,473 --> 00:11:45,573
So, first,
I'm pushing your Datsun,
247
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,373
now I am your Datsun.
248
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,807
Look, the point is,
I sucked it up,
249
00:11:50,874 --> 00:11:54,740
I got you your stupid ring,
and you're still yapping.
250
00:11:54,807 --> 00:11:57,440
What you obviously
don't understand
251
00:11:57,507 --> 00:11:59,406
is that it is not
just about the ring,
252
00:11:59,473 --> 00:12:01,607
it is about
the whole experience.
253
00:12:01,673 --> 00:12:04,273
It's about the emotion,
the romance.
254
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,507
Like that.
I want some of that.
255
00:12:12,573 --> 00:12:13,807
What?
256
00:12:13,874 --> 00:12:16,673
The Woodcocks are dining
by candlelight.
257
00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:18,206
On a Tuesday?
258
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,440
Oh, no, no.
Now they've gone too far.
259
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,640
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
260
00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:29,773
Hey, buddy.
Okay, that's enough.
261
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,273
JEFF: What are you doing?
262
00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:32,740
We get it.
You love each other.
263
00:12:32,807 --> 00:12:35,707
Now stop shoving it down
the world's throat.
264
00:12:35,773 --> 00:12:37,139
We're having dinner
in our house.
265
00:12:37,206 --> 00:12:39,940
Well, at least
have the decency
to draw the drapes.
266
00:12:40,006 --> 00:12:42,707
You're making me look bad
with all the wine
267
00:12:42,773 --> 00:12:44,573
and the candles and...
268
00:12:45,173 --> 00:12:46,573
What is this, veal?
269
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,707
Yes.
270
00:12:49,006 --> 00:12:51,173
Wow. This is phenomenal.
271
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,473
What's on this?
272
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,473
Simple butter herb rub.
273
00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:57,306
Well, bravo, huh?
274
00:12:57,373 --> 00:13:00,106
Come on. Come on.
You kids eat, too.
275
00:13:00,173 --> 00:13:02,039
Look, I got to tell you,
I'm sorry
about all the yelling.
276
00:13:02,106 --> 00:13:03,807
It's just that,
you know, I was hungry.
277
00:13:03,874 --> 00:13:05,073
All I had for lunch today
278
00:13:05,139 --> 00:13:07,707
was those three sausages
and a half a chicken.
279
00:13:08,874 --> 00:13:10,373
That's okay.
280
00:13:11,607 --> 00:13:14,773
Got into a big fight
with Joy, and, you know,
281
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,473
she really didn't
like the ring I got.
282
00:13:16,540 --> 00:13:18,507
It didn't go over too well.
283
00:13:18,573 --> 00:13:22,540
Someone should
have listened to me
about the emerald cut.
284
00:13:22,607 --> 00:13:24,640
Well, it wasn't that,
Woodcock.
285
00:13:24,707 --> 00:13:27,039
She didn't like
my presentation.
286
00:13:27,106 --> 00:13:28,540
Well, how'd you
give it to her?
287
00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:31,440
Well, I, sort of,
you know, gently,
288
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:33,740
threw it at her.
289
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:36,940
We've been married 20 years.
290
00:13:37,006 --> 00:13:39,807
You can't walk across
a room every time.
291
00:13:39,874 --> 00:13:41,139
Can I say something?
292
00:13:41,206 --> 00:13:43,673
You make a nice veal.
Go ahead.
293
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,573
Well, I don't think
it matters
294
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,874
if you've been married
20 years or two weeks.
295
00:13:47,940 --> 00:13:50,273
Women want you to make
a little bit of an effort.
296
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:51,940
I mean, for no reason,
297
00:13:52,006 --> 00:13:55,039
Jeff came home today
and had built me
the cutest bear.
298
00:14:01,673 --> 00:14:04,139
All right, so you people
are the experts
299
00:14:04,206 --> 00:14:07,306
on the creepy teddy bear
love thing,
300
00:14:07,373 --> 00:14:09,006
I give myself over to you.
301
00:14:09,073 --> 00:14:11,306
What can I do to make
this right with Joy?
302
00:14:11,373 --> 00:14:14,173
Well, clearly
you need to propose
the right way.
303
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,273
Okay, so tell me
how I should get engaged
to my wife,
304
00:14:17,340 --> 00:14:20,507
who I've been married
to since you were five?
305
00:14:20,573 --> 00:14:21,907
And don't say hiking,
306
00:14:21,974 --> 00:14:25,773
because I'm allergic
to most grasses and barks.
307
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,106
Well, you could go
for the classic.
308
00:14:28,173 --> 00:14:30,340
A trail of rose petals
leading up to your bedroom,
309
00:14:30,406 --> 00:14:34,840
and then when she gets there,
she discovers you with
like a thousand lit candles.
310
00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:36,373
Hmm?
311
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,974
Okay, that's a trip
to two stores.
312
00:14:38,039 --> 00:14:40,440
What else you got?
313
00:14:40,507 --> 00:14:42,540
There was this one thing
I thought about
doing for Steph
314
00:14:42,607 --> 00:14:44,240
before I came up
with the hike idea.
315
00:14:44,306 --> 00:14:45,640
What was that?
316
00:14:45,707 --> 00:14:48,006
Well, I was going to jump
out of a small plane
317
00:14:48,073 --> 00:14:50,206
and then parachute down
into this field
318
00:14:50,273 --> 00:14:52,607
where there would be
a string quartet playing,
319
00:14:52,673 --> 00:14:55,573
and then I'd pull the ring
out of my jumper.
320
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:57,673
Oh.
321
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,139
What?
322
00:15:00,206 --> 00:15:02,006
That sounds so great.
323
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,540
Why didn't you do that?
324
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,773
Because hiking
was our thing.
325
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,740
I thought
it would be more us.
326
00:15:09,807 --> 00:15:12,840
I know, the plane
and the parachute.
327
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,240
It's so dramatic.
328
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,740
It's a great story
to tell people.
329
00:15:18,807 --> 00:15:20,607
And hiking is
a great story, too.
330
00:15:20,673 --> 00:15:21,940
I went up at 3:00
in the morning.
331
00:15:22,006 --> 00:15:25,173
It was pretty scary.
I saw a baby wolf.
332
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,740
Yeah.
333
00:15:26,807 --> 00:15:29,740
Can we just make
the parachute thing
our story from now on?
334
00:15:29,807 --> 00:15:32,406
I don't want to make
that our story.
We have a great story.
335
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:34,173
Let's just try it
and see how people respond.
336
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:35,740
No. I think that's weird.
337
00:15:35,807 --> 00:15:38,874
All right, this is awkward.
I got to go.
338
00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:41,039
I'll bring back your plate.
339
00:15:50,807 --> 00:15:51,940
Whoa.
340
00:16:02,273 --> 00:16:03,440
Eddie?
341
00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:26,473
So, you found me.
342
00:16:31,707 --> 00:16:32,807
Yeah.
343
00:16:33,907 --> 00:16:35,607
What is all this?
344
00:16:35,673 --> 00:16:41,206
Well, I just wanted
to welcome you home
with some rose petals
345
00:16:41,273 --> 00:16:43,840
and candles and...
346
00:16:43,907 --> 00:16:48,139
By the way,
there's nothing on fire
downstairs, is there?
347
00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:50,840
No. It's like a Sting video.
348
00:16:56,340 --> 00:16:58,573
Anyway, I did all this.
Wait, wait, wait.
349
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,540
You stay standing and I'll...
350
00:17:09,306 --> 00:17:11,907
Ignore the awkward hole
in my pajamas.
351
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:26,840
None of us needs to see
what we're seeing right now.
352
00:17:26,907 --> 00:17:29,373
I will look
straight ahead.
353
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:30,840
Good.
354
00:17:30,907 --> 00:17:35,807
Um, getting back
to all this,
355
00:17:37,173 --> 00:17:39,907
this ring, Joy,
is a symbol of our love,
356
00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:42,073
and though it is beautiful,
357
00:17:42,139 --> 00:17:45,073
it's not nearly
as beautiful as you.
358
00:17:47,607 --> 00:17:50,306
And if you'll have me,
359
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:53,473
I would very much like
for you to be my wife
360
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,073
still.
361
00:17:58,573 --> 00:18:00,673
And now if you can
help me get up,
362
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:03,373
I heard a very weird click
in my knee.
363
00:18:04,473 --> 00:18:06,373
There you go.
364
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,006
That was very sweet,
honey.
365
00:18:09,073 --> 00:18:10,573
Oh, the ring,
the ring. Yeah.
Yes.
366
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:11,974
Ready?
367
00:18:12,039 --> 00:18:13,273
Ha ha! Huh?
368
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,406
Come here.
369
00:18:17,473 --> 00:18:19,707
Thank you. I love it.
Sure.
370
00:18:19,773 --> 00:18:23,840
Great. So, you happy? Huh?
371
00:18:23,907 --> 00:18:25,073
You got your diamond.
372
00:18:25,139 --> 00:18:27,507
You can go out now
and flash it around
373
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:30,006
like a fancy married lady.
374
00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:34,306
It's great.
375
00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:39,640
Oh, Lord.
376
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,340
I'm sorry.
That didn't come out right.
377
00:18:43,406 --> 00:18:45,640
(STAMMERING)
I love it.
378
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,306
It's very sweet.
379
00:18:48,006 --> 00:18:49,573
What's wrong?
380
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,106
I don't know.
381
00:18:52,807 --> 00:18:56,540
I mean, I know that
you're trying so hard
382
00:18:56,607 --> 00:19:00,173
to get this right
with everything and...
383
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,673
It's just that
the Woodcocks can have
a candlelight dinner
384
00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:07,240
on a Tuesday
and it doesn't feel
forced at all,
385
00:19:07,306 --> 00:19:09,607
and it's just not
that easy for us
386
00:19:09,673 --> 00:19:11,974
to get this stuff
going anymore.
387
00:19:13,473 --> 00:19:15,340
It feels kind of fake.
388
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,807
Thoughts?
389
00:19:20,006 --> 00:19:24,340
Ooh, well,
there's a lot of stuff flying
around right now, um,
390
00:19:24,406 --> 00:19:26,640
punching, smothering...
391
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,907
A running kick, maybe.
392
00:19:32,874 --> 00:19:34,206
I'm sorry.
393
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,039
It's my fault.
394
00:19:36,106 --> 00:19:38,240
I thought that this ring
would be, you know,
395
00:19:38,306 --> 00:19:41,240
like a thing for us,
a symbol of our love.
396
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,607
But...
397
00:19:43,673 --> 00:19:46,840
I guess that part
of our life is just over.
398
00:19:46,907 --> 00:19:49,340
That's what
I've been telling you.
399
00:19:54,607 --> 00:19:57,039
I know, and I guess
you were right.
400
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:01,340
It's so quiet.
401
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,006
The toilet's not
running anymore.
402
00:20:12,073 --> 00:20:13,573
Oh, yeah.
403
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,807
On the way home
from the mall, I stopped
at the hardware store
404
00:20:16,874 --> 00:20:19,673
and picked up a flapper.
405
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,340
After all this,
it ended up only costing
406
00:20:22,406 --> 00:20:25,206
a couple of dollars
to fix the whole thing.
407
00:20:26,507 --> 00:20:27,573
I can't believe
you did that.
408
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,507
You didn't
even say anything.
409
00:20:29,573 --> 00:20:31,874
Oh, I don't like to showboat.
410
00:20:35,573 --> 00:20:37,373
You fixed the toilet.
411
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,073
I fixed the toilet.
412
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:45,073
Could you say that
in that low, deep,
sexy voice again?
413
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,940
(IN DEEP VOICE)
I fixed the toilet.
414
00:21:06,773 --> 00:21:08,073
And then I look up,
415
00:21:08,139 --> 00:21:09,607
and guess
who's floating down
416
00:21:09,673 --> 00:21:11,807
on a parachute
like an angel?
417
00:21:13,206 --> 00:21:14,340
It was me.
418
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,540
And then right
when he hit the ground, he...
419
00:21:19,573 --> 00:21:20,840
Tell them, honey.
420
00:21:20,907 --> 00:21:23,640
I cued the string quartet
with a flare gun.
421
00:21:23,707 --> 00:21:25,640
And then he reached
into his jumper,
422
00:21:25,707 --> 00:21:27,807
and pulled out this.
423
00:21:27,874 --> 00:21:31,273
Isn't that the most romantic
thing you've ever heard?
424
00:21:31,340 --> 00:21:33,106
Honey, can we go back
to our table, now?
425
00:21:33,173 --> 00:21:35,173
Yeah. Great
to meet you guys.
31293
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