All language subtitles for remux-Til.Death.S01E01.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ_track3_[eng]

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I'd like to marry a girl
that's skinny.

I think I might marry

a girl who does Girl Scouts,

who sells cookies and stuff.

Who would I want to marry?

A lawyer,

so I could be rich.

(CHUCKLES)

JEFF: This is it.
Our new street.

I love our new street!

I love you.
I love you more.

God, you're so hot!

(HORN HONKING)

MAN: Idiot!

(SNORTS)

Ow!

Got a paper cut.

It's disgusting.

Look at it.

Why would I want to look
at your paper cut?

You said it was disgusting.
I'll take your word for it.

Just look at it.
I don't want to.

Come on. It's got this crazy
skin flap. Look at that.

Oh, jeez. Come on,
I don't want to look at it!

(EXCLAIMS)

Ah, no! Stop it!
Come on, just
take a look at it.

(CAR DOOR SHUTTING)

Hello, new neighbors.

Hmm?
Come on, come.

Oh, look at that.
He's carrying her
across the thing.

Oh!
Ooh.

Here we go.

Make it count, big man.

What?
Right at the best part.

Where's their bedroom?

Come on.
Show's over.

Well, well, well.

The Rupert's got
groceries again.

They just went
to the market yesterday.

What the hell's
going on over there?

* All right!

* Hey!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

150 beats per minute.

I'm at 142.

Okay, stretch it out.

There's no better
feeling in the world

than a warm bucket
of chicken on your lap.

Hey there!

We're just moving in.

Hi! This is Eddie. I'm Joy.

Joy. What a happy name.

Must be so great
to go through life
with a name like that.

Yeah, it's been
quite a ride so far.

Jeff Woodcock.

This is my wife Steph.

Oh, are you the Woodcock
who's going to be

the new vice-principal
over at Churchill?

Yeah. How'd you know?

I teach history there.

Saw your name
on the newsletter.

I made the newsletter?

Nice.

Yeah. Pretty heady stuff.
Good for you.

Hey, maybe you two
should car-pool.

That would be great.

So, how do you like
teaching over there?

Oh, honestly, I'm just
trying to save up
enough money to retire

while I still have a colon.

Well, my last job was
teaching middle school
back in Minneapolis,

so high school
administration's really
a big leap for me.

I want to be like someone
the kids feel like
they can talk to,

like a cool vice-principal,
you know?

Okay.

What?

It's just... You know,
it's human nature for kids
to hate their vice-principal.

And your last name
is Woodcock.

Kids are going to have
a little fun with that.

Hey, my pool table catalog.

What's that, baby?

Nothing. You know,
I was just thinking,

since we probably won't be
using the formal dining room
that much,

that it may be fun
to put a pool table there.

Pool table?

That's an interesting idea.

You realize, Woodcock,
you're never getting
that pool table.

What? Yeah, we are.

No. Your wife said,
"That's an interesting idea."

That's woman-talk for
"Maybe when the sun
burns out."

What do you got going on
with those papers there?

You're very busy.

Oh, these are just some
fliers telling the kids
about a website I set up,

so they can e-mail me
with their questions
or concerns.

Mywoodcock.com.

You're not making it
very easy on yourself,
are you?

Hey, when you see
how many hits
mywoodcock gets...

That does sound
kind of bad, huh?

Oh, and about
this pool table thing,

you really don't know
me and my wife
all that well, okay?

She is going
to be fine with it.

No, she's not.

How could you possibly
know that?

A pool table is for fun.

Men want to have fun,
and wives want to

walk that fun
deep into the woods
and shoot it dead.

EDDIE:
Marriage isn't about fun.

Marriage is more about
having someone to drive you

to the hospital
for your operations.

And you will start
having your operations.

Your cataracts, your tumors.

Sure, at certain points
in the marriage,

being a single guy
might seem like more fun,

but there's nothing fun
about being a single guy
with a tumor.

I just couldn't
disagree more.

You think it'd be fun to be
a single guy with a tumor?

No, just your incredibly dark
take on things.

Steph and I,
we met hang-gliding.

We scuba-dive.

Last summer, we visited
a working Amish farm.

So don't tell me about fun.

Wait, that kid's
not allowed to have
a scooter in the hallway.

That kid's allowed
to do whatever he wants.

That's Pete Pratt.

His dad is this
big heart surgeon

who operated on the principal
and saved his life.

Now, the little douchebag's
untouchable.

(CHUCKLING)
There's the guy.
Looking good.

How was your summer?

Not too bad.

Raced a few cars,
kicked around Europe.

So, who's this?

New man you share
your life with?

No.

I'm your new vice-principal.
Mr. Woodcock.

I'm sorry.
Mr. Wood what?

And so it begins.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Bottom line,

people have always
killed each other,

people are currently
killing each other,

and people will continue
to kill each other forever.

All right.
Have a great afternoon.

So, how was your big
first day of school?

Get any e-mails
to mywoodcock?

Yeah, quite a few, actually.
Most of them not so nice.

And I could have done without
that hurtful one from you.

By the way,
the more I think about
this pool table thing,

the more I realize
you are so completely wrong.

Steph's going to love it.

Okay.

But even if you are right
and she's not that
into the idea,

I'm still going to get one

because I'll just tell her
how much it means to me

and she'll understand

'cause we communicate.

That's how
we solve problems.

Communication. Right.

I can predict exactly
how your pool table
fight's going to go.

I could write the script
word for word,

and our little play
does not have a happy ending.

You are a bizarre human being.

Oh, am I?

Here we go.

She'll say,
"Isn't the room a little
small for a pool table?"

And you'll say, "No."

And she'll say, "Yeah,
but how often do you
really get to play pool?"

And you'll say, "Well,
I don't get to play much,
but I'd love to."

And then she'll say,

"But isn't it more important
to have a nice room
for dinner parties?"

And you'll say,
"Well, in reality, sweetie,

"we really don't host
that many dinner parties."

And now you've pissed her off

because even if women don't
actually host dinner parties,

they want to believe that
they host dinner parties.

That's why you just registered

for thousands of dollars'
worth of china.

What pattern did you get?

Butterflies.

Exactly.

There's a reason why china
rhymes with vagina.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

* Oh!

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Mr. Vice-principal.
Get over here.

So, I was just opening
some wedding gifts,

and your Uncle Jerry
sent me lingerie,

and a card I really
don't think I should
share with you.

That's just Uncle Jerry.

Hey, look,
about this pool table...

Hey, what do you
think of this one,

with the cherry wood finish
and the purple felt?

I like it. Purple's pretty.

All right, so you're okay
with this, huh?

So we could get one,
like, this weekend?

Great.

What?

Nothing.

That's great. That's great.

Put down the Goldfish.

We are going jogging.

What? No.
You said we could be fat.

That was our 40th
birthday present
to each other.

That was before I met
our new next-door neighbor

and I look like
I could eat her.

Wait. Is this because
of the Woodcocks?

Yes, it is.

Oh, and by the way,
I invited them for dinner,

a little "Welcome
to the neighborhood."

Wait a minute. You got me
car-pooling with the guy,

now they're coming
over for dinner.

What's next, matching
Woodcock tattoos?

Come on, it'll be fun.

You're always saying since
Allie went away to college,

we've run out of things
to say to each other.

Well, we have,
but in a good way.

Would you go change,
please?

No. You can't make me run.

Fine. Enjoy your heart attack.

I will.
I'm shooting for March.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

What you watching,
Ellen?

Yep.

Who's she got on?

Looks like the cast
of Broadway's Spamalot.

After this,
we're going jogging.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

So you guys
all moved in, huh?

We're coming along.
We still need a few things.
Yeah?

Oh, yeah, honey,
that reminds me,

we still need to get
a lamp for my desk.

You know what?
We could do that this weekend

when we're out
pool table shopping.

Yep. That's right.
You heard me.

Okay, I'm going to go
check on my gnocchi

and then maybe order
some backup Chinese.

Some red wine, Eddie?

Actually, sweetie,
I was thinking about
that pool table and...

Are you sure
the dining room's
big enough?

There it is.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think there's plenty of room
in there, honey, yeah.

But how much do you
really play pool, anyway?

I don't really play
all that much,

but that's mainly because
I don't have a pool table.

I got to say,
I'm a little confused, honey.

You said that you loved
the idea of a pool table.

You thought that
the purple felt was pretty.

Purple is fine,
if you're a pimp.

And it seems to me that
Steph would like a room

to entertain in
for dinner parties
and stuff like that.

Yes! Thank you.

No problem.

I'm so sorry.
We shouldn't get
into all this here.

No, no, please, continue.

We'll talk about this
at home.

Yeah, we'll talk
about it at home,
but when we do,

we will make sure
that the lines
of communication

are open,
and we will come
to a conclusion

that satisfies both parties,
right, honey?

Right.
Right.

But no pool table.
What?

Why not?
Because I said no.

You can't just say no.

Oh, I can't? Watch me.

No.

You're not in charge, okay?
You have no legal authority.

Can we get some more
olives out here?

I have, like,
this little Magic 8 Ball.

I said, "Am I going to marry

"Michaela?"

That's her name.

And I shaked it,

and it said yes.

Okay.
Bye-bye.

Let's do this again.
Yeah.

This was fun!

Oh, my God.
They were sniping
at each other all night.

What do you think
their fight was about?

Oh, I don't have to think.
I know.

Really? You know? Tell me.

Well, they were having
this tiff when you were
in the kitchen,

and, you know, it was
about the pool table
that Jeff wants to get,

and I told him
not to bring it up

because I knew Steph would
never let him get one.

Wait.
How do you know that Steph
would never let him get one?

Oh, because in marriage
women stop fun from happening.

Okay, all right.

I want you to name one time

in our marriage
when I stopped you
from having fun.

All right. You know what?

I'm going to go with
the redwood hot tub

that I wanted to put in
just after we moved in.

That's what
you're pulling out?

That's what I'm
pulling out.

I thought that I did
our neighbors a service

by sparing them
the sight of you

lowering your
freakishly long body

into a big pot
of back-hair soup.

Oh, that's nice.
That's constructive!

It is offensive to me

that you somehow think
that I railroaded you
into not having a hot tub.

Well, I said I wanted it,
and you said no.

We don't have to call it
a railroading.

We can call it
something else
if you'd like,

like soul-crushing,
or bitch-slapping is good.

You never would have used it.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
and you really use
your herb garden out there.

Let me ask you something.
When was the last time
you put down your soup ladle,

ran outside and picked
some fresh cumin?

I have picked herbs.

Do you want to know
who's not fun?

You are not fun.

I am a travel agent.
I get offered free trips
all the time,

but I can't go anywhere
because my husband

refuses to leave America!

Oh, you know the outside world
holds no appeal for me.

Really? Do you think
that I am not fun?

That's right. I don't.

Well, prepare to
experience the depths

of how not fun I can be!

Uh-oh.

Hey.

What's the matter?

We caught your fight.
What?

You came over,
you had your fight
in my house,

and now you gave
the fight to us.

It happens sometimes
at dinner parties.

Usually it's us
giving the fight
to someone else,

but this time it came around
and bit me in the ass!

Excuse me.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

Well, you should be.

I asked you not to
bring up the pool table.

Now everybody's screaming,
both of our wives
are mad at us,

you still don't have
a pool table.

Well, actually,
our fight's over,

and we had great
make-up sex.

Make-up sex?

Yeah.

And we're getting
a pool table.

(STAMMERING)

Oh, what's the matter,
tough guy, huh?

Oh, Mr. Marriage Master
got nothing to say for once?

Well, how about this?
How about this weekend

you can just listen
to the sounds of me
making love to my wife

on my brand-new pool table

and then racking up,
uh-uh!

Yeah! Well!

All right, all right.
Stop the dancing, Woodcock,

and just tell me
how you pulled it off.

I didn't pull
anything off, Eddie,
you know.

I was just looking at her
in bed, you know,

and she was so beautiful.

And I said to her,
"You know what?

"I don't need a pool table.
I just need you."

And she just melted,

and then we made love,

and then afterwards,
she was curled up against me

and she said,
"You know what?

"Let's get the pool table."

Oh.

And then we did it again.

(CHUCKLES)

Bye-bye!

Ow!

(JINGLE PLAYING)

MAN ON TV: Coming up next,

Ellen welcomes singing phenom
Josh Groban.

Oh, I love him.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hello.

Just going out
for my run.

What are those?

Herb seeds
for my lady's garden.

What is this about?

Well, this is about
me being sorry about
our fight last night.

Really?
Absolutely.

I don't need a hot tub.

I just need you.

What?
Shh!

So, what, are you jogging?

Yeah.

You know, I don't know
if it's the outfit or what,

but you look trimmer already.

You're springy,
like when a steak is
cooked just right.

Mmm, you smell good,

like fried chicken.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey.

There's a truck
from a billiard company
leaving the Woodcocks'.

Oh, is there?

I guess he got
his pool table.

I guess he did.

Wait.

Is this what Jeff did
to get his pool table?

Can't a man love his wife

and bring her
a variety of herbs

without being accused
of having an agenda?

I knew it.
I knew something was up.

What? What?
Nothing's up!
I said I was sorry!

Now it's time
for make-up sex.

What are you doing?

No, it's make-up sex.
It's what people do.

Come on,
take your pants off!

You cannot have make-up sex
until you have made up, idiot!

But wait, wait!
I love you!

Oh, okay.
If we can't have sex,
will you please at least

look at these
hot tub brochures?

Are you kidding? Hot tubs?

So, what? The seeds,
they were just a...

A lie, okay, I hate herbs!

I hate everything
they stand for!

What did you even
buy me here, huh?
What is this, huh?

Look at this one.
It's a packet of Kool-Aid!

It made it look like
there were more. Give me that!

Unbelievable.

Oh, yeah, unbelievable.

Why? 'Cause it's a fun drink.

That's right. Kool-Aid is fun,

and that scares
the hell out of you!

Well, you know what?
They're not scared
of that next door,

where I'll be going
to play billiards!

Good day!

Unbelievable!

Let's play some pool!
Where's the table?

Over there.

Room's a little small,
isn't it, Woodcock?

Hey! Shh!

I love the table, honey.
This is great.

Okay. All right.
This is sweet, huh?

(LAUGHS)

This is life.
This is living.

And the fun starts now.

(SCREAMING)

My eye! Oh, my eye!

I love this table, honey.

(MUFFLED GROANING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I've been hurt.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

I'm sorry
I acted like an idiot.

I really am.
It's just those Woodcocks.

They got me crazy
with their communication
and their make-up sex.

I liked it better
when we lived next to
that weird old couple

who used to slip down
their driveway all winter.

(LAUGHING)

It was like our own personal
Ice Capades right outside.

Yeah, the Woodcocks
got me crazy, too.

We just have to accept
who we are.

Yeah.
What do you always say?

"Marriage is for having
someone to drive you
to the hospital."

That's true.

Thanks for the lift.

It's what I'm here for.

I love you, you know.

I love you, too.

Hey, you know,
maybe when we get home

we could just try
the make-up sex.

You know,
see what it's all about.

Yeah?

We could.
Yeah.

We'll see.
Yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Hey, how's the eye?

Good. Thanks.

Good, good. Look.

I got to get rid
of this pool table.

Can I just admit to Steph that
the room is way too small?

Are you crazy,
Woodcock? No.

Remember, I teach history.

When you conquer a land,
you don't turn around
and give it back.

Now, you're going
to keep that thing
until she's pregnant,

and then you've got
an elegant out
with the playroom.

* Hey, hey, hey!

Well, you kiss,

and I don't want to do that.