All language subtitles for Threes Company - 1x00b - Second Unaired Pilot

( Male/female duet humming theme music )

( Humming )

All right, you dumb plant,
don't just sit there, grow.

His room's all clean and I made his bed.

Oh, good,
I’m glad you're getting used to the idea.

Not really, but as long as
Jack's going to be living here,

- We ought to try to make him feel at home.
- I already did my bit.

I put the toilet seat up.

( Laughs )

- Oh...
- I'm still not sure we're doing the right thing.

I wish I hadn't let you talk me into it.

Oh, come on, Chrissy,
there is nothing to worry about.

He's a man. And you know how men are.

Not lately.

Janet.

Oh, Chrissy, come on,

Just look at Jack as a third of the rent,

As a watchdog, as a cook.

How's he gonna be looking at us?

As his dessert.

Oh hey, I’m kidding, huh?

Look, just-- When he's here,

the only thing that you have to
do is be careful not to tempt him.

You're right. I'll watch it.

So will he.

- What about my parents?
- What?

Suppose they find out.

I told you how my father carried on

when I said I was going
to live in Los Angeles.

"Sin City," he calls it.

- Now if he finds out I’m living with a boy...
- He doesn't have to know.

- He knows everything.
- Oh, Chrissy,

He's just a minister, he's not God.

Don't tell him that.

Ready or not, here comes Jack.

( Humming )

Oh, no, no, it's Mr.
Roper, our smiling landlord.

I'm here to fix your doorbell.

Oh... and Mrs. Roper.

I'm assisting.

Thank you, but you didn't have to wait

Until we got home, Mr. Roper,

- You could have done it while we were at work.
- Yeah.

You're always welcome here when we're out.

Thank you, thank you.

I would have come here sooner,
but I’ve been very busy.

Yeah, busy napping in your armchair.

I was not napping in my armchair.

I was watching television
with my eyes closed.

When I want to sleep, I’ll go to bed.

And when he goes to bed, he wants to sleep.

- What's wrong with that?
- Oh, fix the doorbell, Stanley.

It's time somebody's chimes
were rung in this house.

You know it's a shame your fairy
roommate hasn't checked in yet.

- Why?
- He could fix this without the ladder.

He could just fly up here.

You know,
Stanley was born with that sense of humor.

That and few other birth defects.

I see the problem here.

Yeah...

Yeah, see these wires here?
They're loose.

Isn't that brilliant?

- How'd they get loose?
- I give up. How?

Wires just don't get loose by themselves.

- Be careful, they're live.
- I know what I’m doing.

I just want to get to the bottom of this.

You've been playing around with these wires?

Girl's gotta have some fun.

Okay, captain Queeg.

You got your confession.
Now make the bell go "Ding-Dong."

Just leave them there.
You don't have to take them inside.

I wasn't gonna.

Oh, hey I’m sorry about that jar

of pickled onions I broke in your cab.

If you keep all the windows open,

- The smell should be gone in about...
- A month.

- Yeah, with any luck.
- $3.75.

Here you go.

( Mr. Roper screaming )

Interesting doorbell.

( Screaming )

I didn't hear nothin', I didn't see nothin'

And I don't know nothin'

- Oww, oww...
- What happened?

He's trying to tell you
someone's ringing your doorbell.

Oh...

- Hi.
- Jack. Come on in.

Groceries.

- Hello, Mr. Roper.
- Couldn't you knock?

Better get him to bed
while he's still moving.

I don't want to go to bed.
I want to watch "Name That Tune."

That's his favorite program.

Ever since he guessed
"The Star-Spangled Banner"

In seven notes.

- What about our doorbell?
- I'll fix that later.

Unless the interior decorator
here would like to do it.

I'm not an interior decorator.

Oh, I thought all you f--

Fellas were.

- What fellas?
- You know...

Tinkerbells.

Oh, I see what you mean. No, actually,

Not all of us are interior decorators.

Some of us are boxers.

- Hey, no kidding.
- No, kidding.

You mean you'd actually hit another guy?

Only if he tried to make fun of us.

We'll help you get your things in.

- Welcome to Disneyland.
- It sure beats the Y.M.C.A.

Yeah, nothing but men, isn't it?

All around you.

I can imagine what it must be like.

As a matter of fact, I often have.

Well, well, what do you know,
matched luggage.

- I'll just put those in my room.
- You can do that later.

Why don't we go down to the Regal Beagle

And have a glass of wine? My treat.

No thanks. The what beagle?

A Regal Beagle.
It's a pub just like they have in England.

They've been opening up all over the area.

Nice and cozy.

A little wine, a little bread,

A little thou.

No, thanks, not tonight.

- I have an early class tomorrow.
- Not tonight.

That's a perfect title for my autobiography.

Well, here I am.

- ( Janet chuckles ) - Yes,
you are, aren't you?

I better get unpacked.

"Cooking with curry,"

"French cuisine,"

- "Continental cookery,"
- Janet: Mmm...

"Naked, be my nympho"?

- Oh, that one shouldn't be there.
- I should think not.

It should be with the dirty books.

By the way, how long do I have to
go on letting Roper think I’m gay?

As long as you live here.
That's the only way he'll allow it.

( Groans )

Just so long as you know different.

( Chuckles ) you don't have to prove it.

Okay, Jack,
into the kitchen and show me what you've got.

Now?

- She means the groceries.
- Oh, the groceries.

- ( Phone ringing ) - Could you get that,
Chrissy?

We'll put these away.

Hello. Oh, hello, mother...

Hmm, let's see now.

Ooh,
you always carry your pickled onions loose?

Well, the jar broke in the cab.

A little fuzz never hurt anything.

- Mother! Mother!
- What?

- Mother.
- Chrissy, don't swear.

You don't understand.
That was my mother on the phone.

- She'll be here in a few minutes.
- What's she doing in L.A.?

She came to see her dentist.
If she finds out--

I mean, two girls living in
an apartment with a man...

- You know what she'll think.
- Relax, Chrissy.

People are doing it all over the place.

That's what she'll think.

We don't have any time.
I'll put his stuff in his room.

You take Jack to the Regal
Beagle and keep him there

- Until I call to tell you mother's gone.
- Right.

Ooh, ooh... put the toilet seat down!

Okay, let's go.

( Cheering, laughing )

Well, hello there.

I'm so glad you changed your mind.

Come on, sit down. Have a little drink.

Thank you.

- Hi, what'll it be?
- Hello.

- White wine for me.
- And you?

I'll have a jug of-- I mean a glass of beer.

- Coming up.
- You can say that again.

I knew it.

I knew it. You're not gay, are you?

( Stammering )

- Please don't be.
- I'm not.

- I knew it!
- I'm as normal as Mr. Roper.

Don't spoil it.

But you don't have to worry, Mrs.
Roper,

There is nothing going
on in our apartment.

There's nothing going on in ours either.

And we've got a license.

- Hello, mother.
- ( Exhales )

I've never seen such traffic.

And these L.A. cabs are terrible.

They smell of pickled onions.

- Hello, mother.
- Oh, hello, darling.

Oh, my poor feet.

Oh, you've had your carpet cleaned.

No, it's just that the walls got dirtier.

- Oh...
- Would you like me to fix you something to eat?

No, thanks, I can't stay long.

I've got to catch the
10:45 bus back to Fresno.

- Good.
- What?

I mean, you're looking good.
And how's father?

He's fine, but he worries about you.

We both worry about you
living in this terrible town.

Are you sure you want to stay here

With all the crimes and the muggings?

Mother, it's not really all that--

I've read all about the
wild parties and the orgies,

People running around
without their clothes on.

Where did you read that?

In your father's church magazine.

Oh, by the way, dear,

How are those nice girls you room with?

Janet and Eleanor, isn't it?

Janet's fine.
Eleanor left to get married.

Oh, how nice.

Did you get another girl for her room?

No...
no, we didn't get another girl.

That's wonderful.

There's no sense in my
going back home this late.

Now you can put me up for the night.

- How much longer do I have to stay here?
- Just until Chrissy calls.

I'm tired and I want to go to bed.

How about a game of darts?

No, thanks, I don't know how to play.

Oh, it's easy.
I'll show you how to score.

No, thanks.

Jack, have another beer.

I don't want another beer.
I want to go home

To my own room to sleep in my own bed.

Aw, come one, honey, have another beer.

- I don't want another beer.
- Would you like another beer?

Oh, yeah...

Oh, and Janet, there's a phone call for you.

Thank you, that's got to be Chrissy.

Well, I can see I’m outgunned around here.

Besides I gotta get home

And make the cocoa for Omar Sharif.

- Good night.
- Nice to talk to you, honey.

- Good night, deary.
- Oh, good night.

What do you mean your mother's staying?

Where's Jack gonna spend the night?

There's the bus station.

The cops will pick him up.

How about the 24-hour laundromat?

- The hookers will pick him up.
- We've got to do something.

Me? You think of something.
It's your mother.

I thought you were my friend.

( Nasal voice ) This is a recording.
You have the wrong number.

You don't mind if I use your robe tonight,
do you, dear?

No, mother.

Which reminds me.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna make your favorite salad.

In your coat?

We need some... carrots!

Where are you going to find carrots

At this time of night?

( Stuttering ) There's
a machine on the corner.

A carrot machine?

I know your problem. If had any coin

I'd go to a hotel,
but I just don't have $20 to throw away.

- I'm going back.
- Wait.

How would you like to see "War and Peace"?

- Huh?
- There's an all-night showing of it

At the art theater and it's only $3.

- You gotta be kidding.
- No, no,

It's the eight-hour version
in the original Russian.

That's not a plus.

Look, Janet, I’m sorry, I’m going back.

Oh, wait,
Chrissy’s mother's gonna be in the spare bed.

It is not the spare bed.
It is my bed and I am going back.

I am going to undress and I
am going to get into my bed.

- Oh...
- And if there's anybody else in there,

- That's her problem.
- ( Groans )

And you're not stopping me, either.

- Oh...
- Give me a screwdriver.

Which mother are you?

What? Oh, I see what you mean.

I'm Chrissy’s mother.
I'm sleeping here tonight.

- On the couch?
- No, in Eleanor’s old room.

Well, I guess you'll be safe enough.

- I'm sure I will.
- You wouldn't catch me sleeping in there.

I should hope not.

Me, I’m a decent normal man.

That's good to hear.

I'm just making myself some hot milk.
Would you care for some?

You have anything stronger?

- Like cocoa?
- Probably.

That's my favorite drink at night.
It helps you sleep.

- It's been medically proven.
- I believe you.

My wife doesn't. You know what she
tried to give me once at bedtime?

Wheaties.

I mean, what's she expect me to do?
Hit a homerun?

All right, I’ve got an idea.

- I want my own bed.
- He could stay in our room.

On the other hand,
I don't want to be too unreasonable.

In the same room with us?

I would be on my best behavior, honest.

Is the bed big enough for the three of us?

( Whispering ) Okay, she's asleep.

( Whispering ) Come on.

The door.

- ( Jack hiccups )
- Shh...

( Hiccups ) Four glasses of beer.

- Girls: Shh...
- Chrissy: Stuff your hanky in your mouth.

I've been blowing my nose in it.

Come on.

- ( Hiccups )
- Oh my god.

I'm sorry,
if I can just get to the kitchen,

I have a sure-fire
method for curing this.

You're not leaving this room.

Anything you say.

Okey-Dokey.
Who's going to be the lucky girl?

( Chuckles ) Both of us.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm...

You're sleeping here, big guy.

Oh, yeah.

You're not going to sit there
while we're getting undressed.

Oh, sorry,
will the view be better if I stand?

( Hiccups )

Go cure your hiccups.

What ever happened to the sexual revolution?

( Thunder rumbling )

( Jack panting, moaning )

Chrissy?

( Exhaling, panting )

Chrissy?!

( Jack hiccups )

( Toilet flushing )

( Grunts ) Messy, messy.

( Thunder rumbling )

( Door handle clicking )

- Jack: Boo.
- ( Chrissy screams )

- Jack: Shh, your mother.
- Will you stop playing games

And get in here?

It worked. My hiccups are gone. They're...

- I'm cured.
- Good, go to sleep.

Right.

- ( Rattling )
- What's that?

It's not me. I never moved.

It's that window in the living room.

Oh Jack, would you mind closing it?

Suppose her mother sees me?

( Sighs ) I’ll do it. Turn around.

That's a lovely mole
you've got on your thigh.

He's got eyes in the back of his head.

No, I’ve got a mirror here.

Oh, she's really something.

I mean everywhere you look at her,
she's a girl.

What am I? A gorilla?

No, you're very bright.

Uh-huh, more like a chimp?

I can't budge the window. And it's raining.

No, no, uh, uh, uh...

This is up to the man in the house.

I shall return.
Meanwhile, make yourselves beautiful for me.

Of all the vain, arrogant, egotistical--

He is kind of nice, though.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

Chris?

Oh, dear.

- ( Sighs )
- ( Tapping )

Jack: Oh, boy.

Chrissy, Chrissy!

- What's the matter?
- There's somebody out there.

That's impossible.

- ( Tapping )
- Did you hear that?

No.

- ( Banging )
- I didn't hear that either.

That's it. I've had it.
I don't care whose mother.

No, don't blow it for Chrissy.

Oh, hey, come on in. What a surprise.

This is Chrissy’s mother.

How do you do? I was just passing
by and I thought I’d knock.

( Chuckles )

- Why?
- Why?

Good question.

I hope you got a good answer.

Yeah, now I remember,
there's an all-night movie

Of "War and Peace"
showing at the art theater down the block.

I thought the girls would
like to go out with me,

But I can see they're ready for bed.
I'll just mosey on my way...

- Good night, Jack.
- Jack?

Is this the young man who's
sharing the apartment with you?

- What?
- Mr. Roper told me all about him.

I thought he was away since
you let me have his room.

Now mother, it's not as bad as it looks.

I know, dear.

And you don't mind?

Mind? I'm delighted.

With all the terrible things
that are going on in this city,

It's such a relief to know

That you've got a man to protect you.

Or in this case, someone like Jack.

I promise I’ll never let
them out of my sight.

- Oh, thank you, Jack.
- You're welcome.

Good night.

( Both scream, giggle )

Oh,
you better get out of those clothes.

I thought you'd never ask.

Now, you can sleep on the sofa.

- Goodnight, Jack.
- Goodnight, Janet.

- Goodnight, Jack.
- Goodnight, Chrissy.

Good night John boy.

( Theme music playing )

Ritter's voice:
Three's Company was videotaped

In front of a studio audience.