All language subtitles for Threes Company - 1x00a - First Unaired Pilot

( male/female duet
humming theme music )

And no one, but no one,

Undersells Cosmic Brothers
of North Hollywood.

Here in our
giant warehouse

We have three square acres
under one roof

of the world's finest,
choicest bars and barstools.

for over five years
cosmic has been serving
the valley,

and the best homes
of Beverly Hills,

with high quality plastic
and imported leatherette.

today is Sunday, so why not
come on down to cosmic

and bring
the whole family?

remember, with your purchase
of $100 or more,

The Cosmics
are giving away

A free set
of children's barstools.

Remember the address--
We're on--

Cute.

Sam!

Sam!

Oh, my head.

I'm not
a well person.

You'll have to help
with the mess, Snow White.

It's the dwarves' day off.

- I just remembered that
loudmouth girl last night.
- uh-huh.

- The one that
wouldn't shut up.
- Uh-huh.

The one who wanted
to do the striptease
but kept falling down.

Uh-huh.

That was me, wasn't it?

Uh-huh.

Ohh.

I really wrecked Eleanor’s
wedding reception, didn't I?

She never noticed.
As soon as she cut
the cake,

She went into labor
and they rushed her
to the hospital.

Wow!

Well, what happened?
Did she?

A boy-- seven pounds,
eight ounces.

Oh, I’m so happy for her.
She always wanted a baby.

Well, she did all
the right things
to get one.

I don't believe
this face.

Look at this.

Sam, put it away,
it will attract flies.

I'm going take a bath.

With a little luck
I’ll drown.

( water running )

Jenny.

Sam: Is he one of yours?

Jenny:
I never dated
a porcelain freak.

Well, we can't
leave him in there.

I know, he'll get
all soft and pruney.

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I guess this is
your tub here.

Yes, this is our tub.

We raised it
from a sink.

I must have had a little
too much to drink last night.

Then I sat next to someone
smoking something wrapped
in a map of Mexico.

Who brought you?

Oh, I was asked
by someone who said

He was a friend
of one of the gatecrashers.

Well, as long as
you were invited.

I did bring
a bottle of scotch.
I hope you collect miniatures.

You wouldn't happen to have
another towel, would you?

I'll get one.

That was quite a deal
last night with--
What was her name?

- Eleanor-- The one
who was pregnant.
- Pregnant and a half.

- She had a boy.
- Yeah, I figured
she must have.

Here you go.

You're the one
who timed her
contractions.

- Yeah.
- You a doctor?

No, but I did it
once before.

I was at a rock concert,
and a woman in the next tree
went into labor.

They named the little girl
after me, David.

- I'm Jenny.
- Hi, Jenny.

- This is Samantha.
- Hi. Oh, forgive me.

What?

It's embarrassing dripping
all over your floor.

Oh, don't be
embarrassed.

Take your clothes off.

That's their last party.

Orgies, that's
what they are,

With the loud music
and the dirty lyrics

And all those
young bodies

Doing those lewd dances,
wriggling around.

It was just a party,
George,

The kind we used to have
when we were alive.

But we didn't keep people up
till 3:00 in the morning.

Well, "up" just isn't
your direction, George.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Just that my menopause
is so grateful

To yours
for going first.

You know, it's a pity
you don't live in India,

You'd be sacred there.

All right, which one
of us is going over there

To straighten out
those girls?

- Well, I think it should be
the head of the household.
- You're right.

I'll go as soon
as my nails dry.

- Put your wet things
over the tub.
- David: Right.

- Do you need a pin or anything?
- no, no, this is fine.

( Laughing )

It's lucky you brought
a change of clothes.

It's the only thing big enough.
Eleanor left it.

You really do
wear it well.

I know, but I don't
believe in flaunting it.

- Is something burning?
- Ahh!

Oh!

- You want a hand?
- Everything we do burns.

Maybe we should
stop cooking
with fire.

Eleanor made all the meals,
and she took the recipe
for scrambled eggs.

Don't put yourself down.
They'll be fine.

The shells look ready.

Have a seat.

( Gasps )
Chair's a little cold.

Oh, the toast.

Thank you.

None for me,
I gave up smoking.

Terrible, huh?

No, no.
Really, it's fine.

The hearty man
ate a condemned meal.

Samantha:
You don't have
to eat it.

Right, you can sketch
with it.

Hold on. Wait.

Let's see what else you got in here.
May I?

Sure.

Eggs, hamburger buns,
lemon.

Is this luncheon meat
still good?

'72 was a great year.

- Do you have any paprika?
- On the wall.

Then give me 20 minutes,
and I will fix you eggs benedict

That will reduce
your mouth to tears.

- I need some butter.
- You got it.

Then, sherry or vinegar.

Samantha:
I’ll get it.

Do you really know
what you're doing?

Trust me, I used
to work as a cook

At the pup 'n knish
down on Pico.

- Here's the sherry,
or vinegar.
- Thanks.

You don't cook anymore
for a living?

I only did it for two weeks
when I first moved here
from New York.

Then I worked
at Disneyland
for two weeks.

But on the first hot day,
I passed out inside my
Winnie the Pooh suit.

- That can happen.
- Yeah, I know.

Right now, I’m in my
second week at a pet shop.
You know, grooming?

It's over on Melrose,
the Dogaria.

Two weeks here,
two weeks there,

What would you do
if you could have
a job for say...

- Three weeks?
- I don't know if
I’d have the wind.

No, really.

Listen, I need a tablespoon
of milk, heaped.

Oh, me thinks
there is something.

You just don't want
to talk about it?

I'm studying
filmmaking.

That's terrific.

Writing, producing,
directing?

Yes.

It's an obsession.
Even my dreams have
credits at the end.

Film is to me
what thumbscrews were
to the marquis de Sade.

So, why didn't you
just say that?

Because when future
archeologists dig up
Hollywood,

They'll find
a million skeletons
hunched over moviolas.

Everyone in this town
is either is in movies
or wants to be.

- That's just not true.
- What do you do?

I try to break
into movies.

Sam's an actress
and a model...

- And a dancer.
- Samantha: Oh, stop.

Have you been in anything
I might have seen?

The last thing I did was
a Baptist church commercial
with the reverend Riley.

The guy who does
mass baptisms
at the marina?

He's the Jacques Cousteau
of the clergy.

And he does commercials?

They make you want
to run right out
and buy a Baptist.

How about you?
What do you do?

Well, right now I...

Work for the D.M.V.

Great, lots of women
are joining the military.

The department
of motor vehicles.

- Lots of women are
joining the department...
- Both: Of motor vehicles.

- ( doorbell buzzes )
- Oh, I’ll get it.

Eleanor used to answer
the door.

That's how she
got pregnant.

- Hi, Mrs. Roper.
- Samantha.

There was a party
here last night.

A rather loud,
permissive-sounding party,

Which is not only
a violation of your lease

But is most upsetting
to Mr. Roper,

Who had a very bad time
in world war II, you know?

I know, Mrs. Roper.

It wasn't easy spending
three long years

- As a gardener in
a Japanese prison camp.
- I'm sure.

Now, Samantha,
it's bad enough

That there are all these
porno movie theaters
around here,

And that at this very minute
there are some people
in this neighborhood

Being massaged
right out of their minds.

We want our little haven
to remain genteel.

Excuse me.

I want
to time the eggs.

- Hi.
- Hello there.

I can't stay,
I’ve got to put
my buns in the oven.

Who was that?

Oh, that was just somebody
who stayed over last night.

Oh.

Look, I don't want
to alarm you, dear,

But I think that
was a man dressed up.

See, making breakfast
is like making a film.

First we arrange
our cast of characters,

Then we carefully
orchestrate our elements

Into a culinary climax,
if you will.

Whatever gets you
through the night?

I don't get to do
much cooking,

- I live at the y.
- The one in Hollywood?

Only till I can find
a place I can afford.

What-- What is wrong
with your stove?

Oh, the landlord says
the parts are rusty.

He's an expert
on rusty parts.

I'll have this stove
playing the violin again
in no time at all.

I thought your clothes
would dry better in here.

Oh, thank you.

( Scatting )

Sam, what do you think
of David?

- David who?
- In there, David.

- He's all right.
- Just all right?

- He seems nice.
- Well?

- Well what?
- We do need someone
to share the place.

- We don't even know him.
- You just said he seemed nice.

He could be
a sex fiend.

Then we won't
charge him as much.

Jenny, this town is full
of flaky people,

Of which
he could be one.

Look, we've got a girl
coming to see the place,
let's leave it at that.

- It was just a thought.
- ( doorbell buzzes )

Number seven,
Hacienda Palms--
I called yesterday.

right. I'm Samantha.
You must be Zoe.

Yeah, I must.

Well, this is the place.

It's kind of a mess
right now

- We had this little
party last night.
- Zoe: Wallpaper?!

I just love wallpaper!

Oh, it's like the room
is wearing clothes
or something.

Oh, it's just like
Ludwig says,

"Everything is
everything."

Is he the one that runs
those weekend seminars?

Right! I used to have
a lot of hang-ups before
I got into Ludwig.

First time I went, they had
the whole top floor
of a Ramada Inn.

200 people
all locked in there

All sharing
the same experience.

- What did you do?
- We threw up
for 48 hours.

He was wearing
a pink satin robe,
George,

But he didn't fool me.

Are you sure
it was a man?

George, I know
what a man is.

Mainly from memory
of course.

I distinctly saw
some little hairs

Peeping out
on his chest.

Your mother's got those.
What does that prove?

I wonder what
they're up to?

- I bet you he's planning
on spending the night.
- He already has.

- What?
- Last night.

You know what
I’d like to do?

I'd like to take those
two girls, and put one
over each knee,

And give them
a good spanking.

Ah, George,
those were the days.

...the kitchen.
That's David something.

- Hi.
- Hi. Far out.

You know, if your friend
likes to slip into things,

My brother wears
the same size.

I wouldn't exactly
call him a friend.

I can tell this is just
gonna be terrific.

You know, I can see we're all
coming from the same place.

Could you leave
your number?

We have one or two people
already interested.

Oh, it's on these matches.
I go with the printer.

( doorbell buzzes )

We'll call you.

Really, we will.

- All right,
where is he?
- Who?

Mr. Roper:
Ah, there he is.

Mr. Roper,
this is Zoe.

That outfit doesn't
fool me, you know?

No male visitors
after 12:00.

Zoe, this is
our landlord.

And those.

Who do you think
you're fooling with those, you--

You sicko.

It's real.

So is the other one.

I'm sorry, it was
just a mistake.

I mean, it was--
I really am--

It was a mistake
anybody could make.

It's just that
they look different
in my day.

Bye, Mr. Groper.

It's Roper and he doesn't
usually do that.

It must be springtime
in the fish tank.

Zoe:
Oh, that'll be okay.

Dirty old men
have always been
very good to me.

Give me a call, huh?
Goodbye.

Well, what did you
think of her?

Banana person.

Show time,
come and get it.

Sam, you here.
Jenny.

Silverware's a bit
banged up,

But that's
Howard Johnson’s for you.

- Mmm.
- Good?

Mmm, this is not chewing--
My teeth are applauding.

It's fabulous.

- Sam?
- It's very nice.

Thank you.
What was that
commotion out there?

Nothing.

We were just looking
for someone to share
the place.

Someone who has
a sense of humor.

Someone who
can cook maybe.

Someone who's strong
and can make us feel

A little more secure
about living in tinseltown.

Jenny, don't start.

I wish you luck,
it's hard to find girls
like that anymore.

I tell you, it was a woman.
It was absolutely a woman.

Are you sure, George?

You know you do suffer
from erotic amnesia.

You know, I’m getting sick
and tired of your innuendos.

I'll match my masculinity
against yours any day.

I'm sorry, George,
it's just that,

Well, it's been so long
since we've had any...

Contact.

nothing seems
to interest you.

I've even taken to wearing
see-through nightgowns.

That was
your first mistake.

Sammy, what's wrong?

I think it's
the breakfast.

I did my best.

I haven't had a breakfast
like this since I left home.

When I cut the egg
and it all oozed out
on the ham,

And the yellow
smeared all over the red,

All I could see
was my mother's face.

My family was
very big on breakfast.

Lunch, we could
take or leave.

But my father always said
that breakfast had to be
the first meal of the day.

I feel
the same way, Sam.

David, I’m going to be
very straight with you.

We're looking for someone
to share the rent,

You're looking for
a place to live.

keep going.

- Well...
- Me?

Here? Move in
with you two?

- But you're women.
- Nothing gets by you,
does it?

Well, that could be
a very tricky set-up.

- Jenny: Not if we
share it equally.
- Uh-huh, shared what?

Rent, phone,
electricity, food.

Oh, those.

It all worked fine
with Eleanor.

- And you're a much better cook.
- And you won't get pregnant
on us.

If you can't tell
I’m very popular.

The biggest problem,
I sort of promised to
move in with someone else,

Someone I met at your party.
In fact, I should call now.

Can I use your phone?

He's probably a flake.

I hope he stays.

Me too.

Douglas Crichton, please.

Hello, Douglas,

This is David Bell--
The party last night. Right.

Well, it's light brown,
not really blonde.

Anyway, the thing is,
Douglas-- huh?

Oh.
The thing is, Dougie,

You mentioned--

You mentioned
your roommate Gregory,
wasn't it?

Yes, was moving out?

A spat?
Well, that happens.

Anyway, you said I might
move in with you--

Buy? No, I don't want to buy.
I want to rent.

Oh, am I bi?

Ah, look,
Dougie-- Douglas,

I don't think we'd get along
too well together.

No, honest.

Huh?

No, that's got nothing
to do with it. Really.

Hey, I didn't even notice
you wore a toupee.

Look, I’m sorry.

You could have had
a good thing there.

You could have been up
to your naval in turquoise.

Jenny, Samantha...

Do you think I could
reconsider your offer?

Oh, taking us
on the rebound, huh?

- Sam?
- David Bell.

It has a certain...
ring to it.

- It's 55 a month.
- You wash, we'll dry.

- You cook, we'll eat.
- You're on.

( doorbell buzzes )

The room is empty.
You can move in as
soon as you like.

Sorry to barge in again,
but...

My wife and I are having
a little disagreement

On a certain matter
of sex.

Do you want to borrow
our manual?

There he is, George,
I told you.

Him? No, no.

No, those aren't him.

No, no.
Definitely not.

This is our landlord.
That's a new thing of his.

Nice to meet you, sir,
I’m going to be moving in here.

No, no, no. No man is going
to live here with two women
on my property.

Mr. Roper, it's not
what you think.

It would be
completely platonic.

Platonic, huh?
What does that mean?

Like you and me,
George.

Forget it. Out!

I want you
out, buster. Out.

- Sorry, David.
- Well, I’ll put
my pants on.

If you must,
you must.

Why did he have them off
in the first place?

Mr. Roper, I think
I can explain that.

- I think Mr. Roper has a lot
of preconceived fantasies.
- I understand.

His generation can be
very uptight at anything
that even hints at sex.

Could you turn around
while I put my pants on?

It would have been
a big step for me,

Having a man
as a roommate.

I guess I trusted you.

You were just a sucker
for a runny yolk.

Where are you
going to go?

I've still got the Y.
I'm in the Horatio Alger suite.

You can turn around now.

David, I don't think
we should sit back

And let Mr. Roper
tell us how to run
our lives.

Why don't you go in there
and tell him how far
off base he is?

Do something that'll
make him understand.

You're
absolutely right, Sam.

Grovel.

Mr. Roper, each time
has its own realities.

People must not superimpose
their values on others.

- Now if we freely and willingly
select a mode of living--
- I know, I know.

Jenny explained
it all to me.

Don't you worry, dear.

You can move in.
There's no problem.

Welcome
to Hacienda Palms.

George?

Everything's okay,
just like that?

- What'd you say?
- I reasoned with them.

I appealed to their
common sense and their logic.

And I told them
you were gay.

- Let me help.
- Oh, thanks.

Uh, this is
my camera stuff.

Is this neighborhood
fairly safe?

Oh, nobody bothers us.

We've got a turtle.

Swell.

I'll put this
in your bedroom.

Oh, my very
own bedroom.

And that's our
very own bedroom.

Right.

One wrong move,
we take you straight
to the vet.

( male/female duet
humming theme music )