All language subtitles for The Sex Monster (1999).eng

♪ all nice and decent people

♪ watch the rude boy thing

♪ because one plus two
equals trouble ♪

♪ do it

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ do it like that,
do it like that ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night

♪ girl, I'm gonna make it mine

♪ all mine

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ mind what you do

♪ because you might
get touched ♪

♪ you never gonna know,
your girlie love it so much ♪

♪ the reason why

♪ because she got
the special touch ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind

♪ make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ ska lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ ska lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ mind what you do

♪ you might get touched

♪ pretty girl, they say
they love it so much ♪

♪ the secret reason why

♪ because they got
the special touch ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right
through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ no matter, feel my waistline ♪

♪ he's the rude boy because
you got the special touch ♪

♪ so mind what you do

♪ ska lover

♪ ska lover

♪ the double double
double trouble lover ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind

♪ make you feel so fine ♪

♪ ska lover

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind

♪ make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ ska lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ watch it, rude boy

Oh, damn it.

This thing...

It's not designed
for a human being

to pour coffee with.

You go sit down.

I'll bring you your breakfast.

It's a gag coffee pot.

It's ok.

Here you go, sweetie.

I was reading about this
new sex scandal

in the state capitol.

Mmm.

So last night was ok, though?
It wasn't too quick?

It was nice.

You sure? I got so much
on my mind with business.

It was nice.
It always is.

It always is?

Mm-hmm.

It always is?

You want some melon?

So you're totally satisfied
with our sex life?

Yeah, I'm totally
satisfied, honey.

I'll get you some melon.

And there's nothing
you would do different?

There's nothing, like...

No changes you would make?

Different?

Yeah.

Nothing you want to try?

Try the melon.
It's so good.

Nothing?

Have you always been curious
about anything?

No. I'm just
completely happy.

You are?

Mm-hmm.

Try the melon.
It's so good.

Have you ever
practiced lesbianism?

No, no.

So other women
don't excite you? No.

Have these ladies
come on to you?

Um, if so, I didn't notice it.

Are you having lunch
with me today?

No. Sorry, didi.

Marty's taking me
to lunch today.

That's ok.
I understand.

If he cancels, though,
I'm still available.

Your husband's taking
you to lunch?

That's sweet.

Yeah, he is sweet.

Hey, beautiful.

Hey.

You hungry?

Ooh, I'm starved.
Can we go some place nice?

Anywhere you want.
Anywhere you want.

Darn. You showed.

If you didn't show,
I was gonna take her to lunch.

Well, sorry to
disappoint you, didi,

but I showed.

Yes, you did.

I'm not gonna hold it
against you, though, Marty.

Have a nice lunch
with your sexy-ass wife.

I will... hey.
Ready?

Yeah, definitely.

What? You're mad.
Don't be mad.

This is a nice restaurant.
Come on, don't be mad.

I don't have any time.

I'm so behind
the 8 ball at work.

I made that doctor's
appointment for you today.

Don't forget it, ok?

I cannot believe I gotta go

and let them put
a camera in my ass.

You're at the age where you
gotta do stuff like that

to take care of yourself.

They called the office.
Know what they want to know?

Do I want to pay extra
and use the Sony?

They got a Sony product now
that goes up my ass.

A Sony ass-man.

So, what's the deal
with little didi at work?

Any new lesbian stories?

You know, I don't think
she's a lesbian.

I think she might be bisexual.

Bisexual.
That's better still.

We like bisexual.

We do?

We do. Yes, we do.
Ok.

Is she openly bisexual?

What do you mean
by "openly bisexual"?

I mean is she openly bisexual?
If I went to the salon,

and I opened the front door,
and I walked in,

and I yelled out,
"hey, anybody here bisexual,"

what would little didi do?

Do we have to talk
about didi's sexuality

all the time?

Yes, yes.

You're totally obsessed by this

every time you see her.

Hey, she's hot for you, Laura.

It's the end of the nineties,
start of a new millennium.

Everyone's doing it.
Don't be so straight.

I am straight.

I think it'd be good for you.

Is that what you think?

I do. I think
it would be good for you.

I think it would be good
for us, you know?

A little mã©nage ã„ trois

inside the confines
of a good marriage.

What happens if I like it?

If you like it, great.

What happens if you
come home one day

and didi and I are going
at it in our bedroom?

Wouldn't you just be
a little bit hurt?

Hurt? No.

Only if I smashed my face
on the headboard

diving under the blankets
with the two of you.

No, I wouldn't be hurt.

I'd be thrilled you found
a new hobby you like.

See that,
how clear that picture is?

Yeah, that's great.
You can actually see...

The same way you're
looking around the office,

I'm looking all the way up
in the lower intestines,

and then this curves it around.

Wow. And this is actually
a job you wanted as a kid,

huh, Jerry?

That's funny.

Lie down there.

We'll see who's laughing
in about a minute.

Knees forward
if you would, please.

There we are.

Be gentle. I know this comes
as a big shock to you,

but I'm not
real excited about this.

No?

That makes two of us, pal.

There we are.

Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait!

Ow, ow, wait, wait, wait!

Pull it out, pull it out,
pull it out, Jerry!

Pull it out, pull it out!

Hey, hey, hey, 4-year-old,

it's just the lubricant now.

Ok? I haven't started
with the probe yet. Ok?

Ok. "Gentle" is the buzzword
for today, ok?

Gentle, ok?

Ohh!

Guh!

Ohh!

Eee!

Ohh!

Gah!

Have you, uh...

Seen that new Porsche Boxster?

That's a beauty.

Gohhhhh!

Hey, Jane.

Hi, how you doing?

Good.

I didn't know you
were coming into town.

I'm going up to
San Francisco on business,

and I was gonna come
on my way back,

but I decided to visit
on my way up.

Didn't Laura tell you?

No, she didn't, but that's ok.

You're always welcome.
You know that.

What?

Nothing.

I just miss you.

It's great to see
my little best friend.

Oh, I miss you, too.

Oh, I love this.

Yeah? Just got it.

You did?

Yeah.

So not me.

Mm-mmm. No.

So how are your
sculptures doing?

They're doing great.

I think I have a gallery
in Santa Monica

who wants to show them.

Ohh.

I love this one.
Is this new?

This one.
It really works on the piano.

Yeah?

Yeah.
Isn't it great, Marty?

Oh, yeah.

$18,000 worth
of lessons and supplies,

and we get tchotchkies
for the living room.

Are you kidding me, Jane?
I'm thrilled.

I don't want her having hobbies.

Mmm.

I want it to be all about me.

All about you, huh?

You should be making
little sculptures of me.

Oh, that feels so good.

It's so good to see you.

Wow, look at this.

Erotic feet massaging.
This is great.

This is good and gay.
I love this.

It is not gay.
What?

Can you imagine me
and one of my buddies

sitting on this couch
rubbing each other's feet?

It's not a pretty sight, is it?

Women can get away
with this kind of behavior,

and it's a beautiful thing.

It's not gay, Marty.

It's gay, and I love it.

I am not into women, ok?
But if I was,

this would definitely
be my first stop,

and you, my dear,
would be in serious trouble.

That's it. I'm going upstairs
to write to penthouse.

Is he serious?

Oh, he would love it

if I would sleep
with him and a woman.

Apparently it's all
he and his buddies

ever talk about.

What is it with these guys

and that stupid fantasy?

They can't please
one woman, let alone 2.

Maybe that's what
the second woman is for.

Do half the work.

Diva, the mail come?

Yes.

And I'm sorry, but
they're all bills, Marty.

Yeah, well,
I can handle 'em, ok?

Once Billy finishes this house,

those lots are gonna
sell like crazy.

I'm not worried.

Nothing fazes you, Marty.

I'll tell you what fazes me.

You marrying that ski bum.
That's what fazes me.

Yeah, I'll bet.

It does. I'm concerned.
Can't you tell?

How's he gonna
support you, this guy?

What's the pay scale
for the ski patrol?

Guy's got no future, diva.

Oh, he's got a future.
Stop it.

With the ski patrol?

What's he gonna make
one day, sergeant?

Best-case scenario,
you're married to a mountie.

So I got a great idea
for an investor.

Dave pembroke.

Dave pembroke?

From Michigan, Dave pembroke?

I remember him.
He was a real tough guy.

Went around
beating everybody's ass?

He was in my
older brother's grade

in that whole crowd of guys
who got their jollies

out of beating people up.

Yeah, well, I got news for you.

Now he's getting his jollies
out of having $30 million.

Guy's got 18 furniture
stores in orange county.

Hey, Troy.

You got my note?

Hey, so I invited him up
for Sunday for brunch.

He's coming to my house
Sunday for brunch.

We'll talk
about the whole thing.

No, Sunday's not good for me.

Why? What's Sunday?

What's sun... what?

You got that girl
coming in from Fresno?

You know what, Billy?
You're married.

You got 2 kids.

Would you relax?
I'm having fun.

Having fun?
You're gonna get caught.

I'm not gonna get caught.

You're cheating on your wife.

You're gonna get caught.
Billy, listen to me.

You're in a situation
you can't control.

You're in a situation
you can't control,

and somewhere along the way,
someone, some idiot,

is gonna say the wrong thing
at the wrong time,

and it's gonna
get back to Carol.

Would you relax?

Nobody knows, Marty.

Nobody knows? All right.

I'm gonna tell you who knows.

This is gonna sound
really corny,

and you're gonna
tease me later about it,

but I'll tell you who knows.

God knows. Ok?

God knows.

God does not know,
and if he does know,

he doesn't care.

He does. He cares, ok?

Cheating on your wife
is not cool.

I know, I know, I know.

I'm gonna get struck down
by a bolt of lightning.

Is that what you're telling me?

Yes, exactly.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

And I happen to spend
a lot of time

standing real close to you.

I'd appreciate it if you
get your shit together.

Don't you judge me, ok?

Have you seen my wife lately?

Have you seen
Carol lately? Yes.

She's fat.

She's not fat.

She's fat.
She's not into sex anymore.

All she wants to do is eat.

I'm a man.
I got my needs.

I have needs, too, and right now

the top of my needs list
is you to be at my house

for brunch on Sunday, ok?

Marty's all on my case

about going to this
brunch at his house.

Brunch?

Yeah. He's making a
big deal about it, too.

That's a Jew thing, brunch.

They can't decide if they
want breakfast or lunch,

so they have both.

I can't wait
till he hears the gossip.

He's gonna love it.
He's got a thing for her.

He's got a thing
for diva, his assistant?

He would never admit it,

but he's dying to just take her.

So why doesn't he just do it?

Because for one reason,
she's engaged.

And also because
he's very hung up

about not screwing around.

The guy's
very straight that way.

I don't get that.

European men, they've been
doing it for centuries.

It doesn't make 'em assholes.

A guy in america, he gets
a little action on the side,

they label him an asshole.
I do not get that.

And I blame the pilgrim...
The pilgrim men.

Back in the beginning
of our society,

they got all religious
and puritanical,

and they fucked
the whole thing up.

They gave away deal points

they had no business
giving away.

Where did you hear that?

I should have
negotiated that deal.

We'd all be getting laid.

Gentlewomen, what's up?

About time.

How are you?

I'm good. You take
care of your little

scheduling problem
for the brunch?

See?

I'm not going to brunch
with Dave pembroke.

The guy's a republican.

Big deal, he's a republican.

So am I when I'm looking
for an investor.

Wait till you hear
the good gossip.

What's the good gossip?

If it's coming from you,
Murphy, it's bullshit.

It's about your assistant diva.

What about diva?

The guy that sold car phones

to Eric kildran's company
went to college with her.

Was in her dorm. Said she
spent a fair amount of time

on the front line.
Saw a lot of action.

So, what?
What is it?

Guess.

She did a 2-way.

Better.

She did a gang-bang.
It's coming from Eric kildran.

I don't believe a word

that comes out
of Eric kildran's mouth.

Girls.

She did girls.

She did girls?

She did girls?

This is true?

Diva did girls in college?

And you believe it?

You believe that
that story's true?

I believe it, ok?
Eric kildran's a lot of things,

but the guy's not a liar.

She's young.

Young girls...

They're all into it nowadays.

It's become very fashionable.

Yeah, well, for me, it hasn't.

Will you cut it out
with the cookies?

Cholesterol.

One cookie.

Will you look at this?

Lucia's getting so lazy.

She puts the bowls away
without drying them.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking it would be
good for you.

A good little life lesson.

For me?

Yeah. Open you up
a little bit.

Think it'd be fun.

Oh, I'm sure
it would be for you.

I bet you would be
having a lot of fun.

Having a lot of fun.

You're the one always saying
you want to...

Do things that are good
for the marriage.

You always talk about hobbies
and projects and shit.

That's what this would be.

This would be
like a bonding thing.

How stupid do I look to you?

All right, so I took a shot.

How much longer before dinner?
I'm starved.

You look like you've
already eaten dinner.

I've been married
to my husband for 30 years.

Wow. That's great.

It's a miracle.

It's a miracle that sometime
in the last 30 years

I didn't kill him in his sleep,

jump on a plane
and not come back.

How long have you been married?

6 years.

6 years. That's nice.
Gonna have kids?

Yeah, yeah, I think we will.

Have all the fun
you can while you can.

Do it now.
Get it out of the way.

All the spending
and the traveling

and the nuttiness,
just do it all.

Do it all before the kids come.

'Cause after the kids come,
there's no more fun.

Come on. You love
your kids, right?

Not today.

I don't love anybody today...

Except you.

I love my hairdresser.

Oh, oh, oh, ohh!

Mmm.

Ahh.

Was that ok?

Yeah, it was.

It was?

Oh, yeah.

Good. It still is to me.
I gotta tell you, Laura.

I still look down
when I'm on top of you,

and I wonder how the hell
I got into bed

with a woman
as good-looking as you.

Oh, Marty.

I do.
After all this time,

I still think you're gonna
open your eyes, look up at me,

and yell for a cop.

Oh, Marty, shut up.

See what I'm saying, though?

We have sex, and what's
the first thing you do?

You wash up.
How does that work?

So that's what you
really want, huh?

For me to have sex with
you and another woman.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'd like it a lot.

And you want me
to kiss her and...

And, you know,

Go down on her?

Yeah. I mean,
if you wanted to.

If you wanted to go down on her.

I don't know.

I don't know if I could.

What?

I do it all the time.
It's not so bad.

Plus you have
the home-court advantage.

What's that?

The home-court advantage.

That's what you have.
Think about it.

You're a woman. You know
what's going on down there.

You could do it
better than me, blindfolded,

your first time out,
on my best night ever,

which was, you know,
last April at the cabin.

Right? Remember?
You could be better than that.

You could be better than me
last April at the cabin.

I could?

You could, first time out,

because you have
the home-court advantage.

That's my whole theory
on why women are all of a sudden

getting into other women
in the first place.

Yeah?
What's that theory?

Human nature.

Everybody likes to do something
that they're good at.

Everyone likes to excel.

Well, now women
are finding something

that they're really good at,
really easily, really fast,

and they're really enjoying it.

And it's the home-court
advantage.

I think you would be somebody
that would benefit

from the home-court advantage.

I just couldn't do it
with a stranger.

I just want you
to know that, ok?

All right, fine.

And I'm not gonna do it

with your assistant
diva, all right?

You do not get to screw
your assistant diva.

Fine.

Diva's off the list.
Forget diva.

I love the fact that we're
having this conversation.

I bet you do.

What about didi,
the little girl at your salon?

Come on, Marty.
I have to work with her.

Part-time.

You work with her part-time.
She's perfect.

You don't want it
to be a stranger.

We know her,
but we don't really know her.

She's cute, too,
you know, anyway,

and you know she's into
this kind of thing, so...

Yeah. I like didi,
I do. She's sweet.

I like didi, too.

Put didi right on top
of the list.

Didi.

We call her up,
we have her for dinner.

If it works out, great.

If it doesn't,
I'll do the dishes.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi, didi.

How are you?

Good. Come on in.

Ooh, sorry.

You did these?

Yeah, I did.

God. Laura,
they're wonderful.

Thank you.

Do you like my perfume?

Roses.

Yeah.

Marty!

So, didi, it's great
that you finally came over,

because Laura has been wanting
to have you for dinner

for the longest time.
Am I right, Laura?

You know, Marty,

I don't think
we need any more wine.

Drunk... drinks.

Drinks?
Oh, drunk.

Let's get drunk.

Drunk.
Let's get drunk.

Hard drinks. Fine.
I got a big jug of rum.

Does that sound good?

I love rum.
Rum and coke.

I'm dangerous on rum and coke.

We have a winner.

It's rum and coke.

You hear that, honey?

She's dangerous
on rum and coke, this one.

Is he always this funny?

Ha ha, not always.

So where are you from, didi,
Chicago or something?

I'm from all over.

All over. Wow.

Yup.
I'm an army brat.

Army brat. That is intense.
Tell us about it.

Well, I lived with
my dad until I was 14,

and then out of nowhere
I met my mom again,

and I lived with her

until we decided that we
hated each other.

And then I just sort of
hitchhiked around

for a little while
until I was 17,

and I met this woman

who I moved to Florida
with for 3 years,

but it didn't really work out,

because she was sort of
in love with me,

and I guess, to be honest,

I just really enjoyed
fucking her.

No, no, no, no, no.

I love this music.

Great. Let me
tell you this story.

It's so nice out here.

I feel like dancing.

♪ Happy, mellow the sound ♪

♪ all my friends
keep shouting round ♪

wow, didi, you should be
a professional dancer.

She should.

Doesn't anybody
want to dance with me?

All right, I'll dance.

Look at me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sorry.

You're scaring me now.

Wow.

Laura, come up here.
Look at this.

Laura, come dance.

Come on, come on, come on.

♪ I don't know

Laura wants to dance.
You were saying this morning,

"if didi wants to dance tonight,

I wanna dance so bad."

♪ But I don't know

♪ I don't know

♪ well, I don't know

♪ ooh, I don't know

♪ hey, lady

♪ tell me

♪ tell me something

♪ to make me feel all right ♪

♪ hold on

♪ I'm a bit concerned

♪ what are you doing tonight?

♪ Tonight

♪ tonight

♪ tell me

♪ ooh

didi, just stay there.

I just need Marty to help me

with something in the kitchen.

Marty!

What's up?
We having fun?

No, no, honey, no.

Yes, yes.

I think this might be
a big mistake.

Maybe we should just
call it a night, ok?

Call it a night?
Yeah.

No, we don't want
to call it a night.

We don't?

We're having fun.

We are?

Yes. She's hot
for you, this girl.

Oh, god.
I know, I know, I know.

Are you sure this is what
you really want?

Let me think about it for
a millionth of a second.

Yes!

Are you kidding?
We're having fun.

We're having a good time.

Come on, hey.
You ok?

Yeah. Just fill
this up, ok?

Hey, guys,
is it ok if I go swimming?

Yeah, yes, go swimming!
Are you kidding?

Our poolo es su poolo.

Laura, is he always this funny?

Oh, yeah!

So we got to...

Hey.

I got a little booze here.

Are you coming in?

Coming in?
Uh, yeah.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah.

Are we going in?

I think we should go in.
Let's go in.

I'm gonna get a swimsuit.

Go get a swimsuit.

And so are you.

Ok. We're gonna
get a swimsuit,

and you just troll
around a little bit.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hey.

Hello, babe.

Hey, hey.

Hello.

Take you for a ride.

Can I borrow my wife?

Yeah.

Can I borrow my little wife
for a minute?

Mmm.

Come over here, will you?

That looks like fun.

I want one.

You want a ride?

Didi.

Ok, we'll give you your ride.

Did I give you your ride, baby?

Yeah.

Ok. We'll put you
up here,

and you can nurse your drink,

'cause we know what your
priorities are tonight.

And, didi, you hop...
Oh, didi, didi.

Ohh.

Ok.

Mmm.

Take me back to Laura.

I want one from Laura.

You want a ride from Laura?

Uh-huh.

Hey, what?

Laura, what?

Hey, what happened?

What happened
down there, sweetie?

I don't know what happened.

It just got
too real or something.

I don't know.
I felt stupid.

Hey, hey, you're not stupid.

You're not.

I'm the stupid one.
This was a mistake.

This was a mistake.
I'm sorry.

It's ok.

Laura.

I'll send her home.

I'll say good night.

No, no, no.
I'll talk to her.

Let me talk to her.

Hey.

Hi.

Look, I'm sorry

if I did anything
to make you feel badly.

It's just that you both
made me feel really comfortable,

and I really haven't felt very
comfortable around anyone

for a really long time, and...

You're... god,
you're just so beautiful...

And great.

Should I go home?

Can I come in, then?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can come in, yeah.

You like me, right?

Mm-hmm.

Right, didi?

♪ Man

♪ you know
I done enjoyed things ♪

♪ that kings and queens
will never have ♪

♪ in fact, kings and queens
can't never get ♪

♪ and they don't even
know about ♪

♪ and good times

♪ mm-mmm

♪ I have had my fun

take this off.
Take this off.

♪ If I never get well no more

♪ I have had my fun

♪ if I never get well no more

Ok.

Ohh.

That was good.

Wow. That was good.

Wow. That was good.

Wild.

You guys want to knock it off
for a little bit

and go down and get a drink?

I guess not.

Wow. Look at that.

Wow. That's what
that flap is for.

Wow.

All right, well...

Don't worry about me, ok?
I'll be back.

I'm going to go downstairs
and get a drink, ok?

Get a drink.

Just get a drink.

Do a couple hundred push-ups.

♪ Uhh

♪ oh, suki, suki, now

♪ hey

♪ uhh

♪ come on, baby

♪ hey there, sugar darlin'

♪ let me tell you somethin' ♪

♪ girl, I've been
tryin' to say ♪

♪ you look so sweet

Murphy, can't tell Murphy.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn,
damn.

Damn.

Mm.

Hi. Hey, hey. Hi.

Uh, you're not
gonna believe this.

You're not gonna believe this.

My wife right now
is upstairs in my bedroom,

my bedroom,

with little didi, little didi,

the hottie at work,

and the two of them are
tearing into each other

like there's no tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah.

It gets better, it gets better.

I'm up there,
I'm part of the package.

Yeah. No.
I'm just taking a break.

What?

What? No.

No, no. I don't want
to order a pizza.

I was just calling...
I had to tell that to someone.

♪ Hey there, sugar darlin' ♪

♪ come on, give me somethin' ♪

♪ girl, I've been
needin' for days ♪

Hey.

Hey, you guys.

Wow. Hey.

Hi, didi.

Marty's back.
You're in heat.

♪ We don't need no company ♪

♪ no other man, no other girl ♪

oh, shit. Damn.

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.

Bye.

You leavin'?

Ok, well, um...

Thanks. I mean...

Thank you.

Yeah, you, too.
I mean, bye.

Thank you.
See ya.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

How you doin'?

Did you sleep well?

Yeah, I did.
How about you?

I had a good sleep.

Yeah?

Yeah.
I feel so rested.

So are you ok? Ok?

Everything ok with last night?

Yeah, I'm ok.
Are you ok?

Me? Oh, yeah, I'm,
I'm very ok,

especially if you're ok.

Oh, yeah, I am.
I am.

You know what last night was?

I think it was educational.

Educational.
It was educational.

You see?
I love to hear you

use the word
"educational."

That's great.
You see?

You were worried, but...
And now you're educated.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want some breakfast?

I am going to have
a giant breakfast.

So everything's ok?
I mean, seriously.

No weirdness, nothing?

No weirdness today or anything?

Oh, no, I'm cool.

Now I know what you mean

by the home-court-advantage
thing.

Wow.

My scene's done at my apartment.

Your actual apartment?

Yeah, under my fire escape.

And I have another scene,
a lesbian scene,

which you will love.

Oh, I most certainly will.

Girls.

Hey, you been out
to the site yet?

The site? No.
I have not been to the site.

Just want to know if you
saw the changes I made

in the kitchen floor plan.

No.
I haven't seen them.

'Cause, um, I know
what you're gonna say,

you're gonna say
it costs too much,

and you know what, Marty?
I've been thinking about it,

and it ain't all about money.

You know what? You don't know
what I'm going to say,

'cause that's not what
I was going to say,

'cause you're right...

It ain't all about money.

What's his deal?
What's your deal?

You fighting
with your wife again?

She has burrowed her way up

inside my asshole.

Being married is very tough.

Yes, it is, but it's only
as tough as you make it.

It's only as tough
as you make it.

Do you want to know why you guys
are having troubles at home?

Do you want to know?

Why?

You're not shaking it up.

Excuse me?

That's all we're
talking about here.

Shake it up.

Shake it up?

Yes, yes.
Shake it up.

You're the man.
That's your responsibility.

The women want to be led.

They want to be taught
new tricks, ok?

They want to be shaken up.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

I'm talking about you going home

and you going home

and teaching your wife
a couple little new tricks,

and I believe you will find
the picture changes

very, very quickly.

Shake it up, boys.

♪ Get up

♪ ha

♪ get up and shake up

♪ all right

♪ get up

♪ get up and shake up ♪

♪ it's rock steady time

♪ get up

♪ got to do something

♪ get up and shake up

♪ oh, yes

♪ shake and let me
feel all right ♪

♪ move up

♪ move in the groove now

♪ move in the groove now

♪ all right

♪ push up

♪ ha

♪ push up and shake up

♪ got to do something

♪ get up

♪ it's rock steady dance

♪ get up and shake up

♪ oh, yes

♪ shake and let me
feel all right ♪

Who's that?

I don't know.

Why don't you go see?

Who comes over
at this time of night?

♪ Get up

♪ ha

♪ get up and shake up

♪ all right

♪ get up

♪ get up and shake up ♪

♪ it's rock steady dance

♪ get up

it's didi.

Didi?
Didi.

I wonder who called her.

♪ Shake and let me
feel all right ♪

You two are on fire tonight.

Look at you.

Laura?

Babe?

Laura?

You ok?

You want to rest
for a minute or something?

Laura?

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Yeah, honey?

Are you ok?
Yeah.

Are you ok?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Because for a minute there,
it looked like maybe you

were having trouble
breathing or something.

No.
Don't stop.

Don't stop. Oh.

♪ Get up

♪ get up and shake up ♪

♪ all right

♪ get up

♪ get up and shake up

♪ it's rock steady time

♪ get up

♪ got to do something

♪ get up and shake up

♪ oh, yes

♪ shake and let me
feel all right ♪

hey.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, didi. Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

You guys having fun?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

You want me to bring up
sandwiches or something?

Don't stop.
Don't stop.

♪ Get up

♪ get up and shake up ♪

♪ all right

♪ get up

♪ get up and shake up ♪

♪ it's rock steady dance

♪ get up

♪ got to do something

♪ get up and shake up

♪ oh, yes

♪ shake and let me
feel all right ♪

Bye, Marty.
See ya.

Bye.

"Bye, Marty.
See ya."

You want to stand up for us?

Oh, please do, yeah.

Oh, you are a hottie.

Oh. Are you very proud
of yourself naked?

I wouldn't say proud.
Just comfortable.

Have you ever done lesbianism?

No.

Hi.

Diva. What are you
doing here?

Oh...

The pembrokes are coming over.

Right, Laura called
and asked me to help

with the big brunch.

You didn't know about it?

No. Laura called you?

Yeah. I thought
it was a good idea.

Hi, diva.
Hi.

Ooh, you look great.

Look at you.
You look fabulous.

Come on in.
Ok.

Wow, this is amazing.

Marty, how are you?

Hi, Marty.

Hey, Dave, Evie,
how are you guys?

Good to see you. Hold on.
Give me one second here.

God.

God, you look amazing.
Look at you.

Both of you.
You look great, man.

Well, I'm not feeling too great.

My wife just beat me at tennis.

You look great, though.

God, your husband,

this guy looks 22 years old

like we did in Michigan,

when he was
22 years old, this guy.

Marty, your wife looks adorable.

Thank you, thank you.
She is adorable,

but look at this guy,
look at your husband.

Both of you.
You two look fantastic.

That's it.
We're in trouble.

That's way too many
"you look great," honey.

Come on, Marty.
Get me a drink.

I want to be good and hammered

when you start slamming me
for that loan.

Oh, come on.
Slamming for a loan.

That's not what this is about.

Come on, I want you to have

a nice Sunday brunch
with us. Come on.

Marty, get the great-looking
guy a drink, will ya?

Ok, fine.
How about you, Evie,

do you need to get
good and hammered?

Uh, bloody Mary, sweetie.

Coming right up.
You know what?

I'll get one, too.
We'll all get slammed.

Look a little overdone to you?

I'm not eating that.

You know, diva, you look
really beautiful today.

Thank you, Laura, so do you.

I love your hair.

I like your hair.

Mmm.
What is that scent?

Do you like it?

Oh, yeah.
I like it.

I'll take those.

You remember Dave pembroke?

I do remember Dave pembroke.

Billy. His wife Evie.

Dave. Billy's wife Carol.

Hi, Evie. Carol.
Nice to meet you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Billy, we're putting
you in the middle,

no, no, Billy, he sits here.

Billy will be in the middle...

Don't fight over me.

And I'll put diva right here.

It's fine, honey.

Ok, I'll get another chair.

Yeah. Thank you.

Come on, you sit here.

Just want you to know
who runs this house...

Laura.

Get you some coffee, Laura?

It's good to see you, man.

It's good to see you, too, man.

I remember your older brother.

Oh, Jesus. Are you
still kicking ass?

Yeah, I remember when you and he

took on the, uh, statler twins

in the rams' horn parking lot

on woodward Avenue...

Sausage?

Dave was a bruiser
in high school.

No.

Let's hope marriage
and California

settled him down a little bit.

Well, he's settled down.

He's just a big pushover now.

Somehow, Evie,
I kind of doubt that, but...

So, Dave, Marty tells me

you're doing pretty good
for yourself lately.

Good for himself.
He's got 18 furniture stores.

I'd say he's doing
good for himself.

Um, excuse me.
I'm going to help Lucia

in the kitchen for one sec.

Ok, good. You help
Lucia in the kitchen.

Oh. Billy, you need
a place setting.

No, Laura, Laura,
Lucia will get it.

No, no.
That's ok.

Laura, Laura, sit down, please.

It's fine. Honey, I know
exactly where it is.

I'm going to go help diva.

I don't want your food
to get cold.

Honey, I know exactly
where it is.

I'm going to go help diva, ok?

Ok.

Careful with the butter.

Diva, I am so sorry.
I really am so sorry.

I don't know what's
gotten into me.

I feel like a pig.
I'm sorry.

What is going on?

Well, Marty told me this thing

about you in college
and seeing girls,

and ever since he told me,

I just can't get it
or you out of my mind.

You do know I'm getting
married in 2 months, right?

Yes, I do.

You do.

I do. And like
I said before,

I'm sorry. I am.

I'm just so attracted to you.

Laura...

So, you ever see
the statler twins, Dave?

Do I see them? No.

They still live back
in Michigan.

You ever see any of
the guys you beat up?

Just curious.

First of all, I didn't
beat that many guys up.

And second of all, no.

I left Michigan
after high school,

and I haven't been back.

Must be kind of weird
to run into somebody

20 years after you beat them up.

Hey, Dave, remember me,
you broke my clavicle?

You look good. Ha.

I'm sorry, diva.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry.

You should be.

I'm really not into women.

Me neither.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Ok. Ok.

Laura, I'm going to go.

Yeah, I think
that's the best thing

in this situation.

I'm going to go.

I'm straight. I am.

I'm straight.

I am.

So, what we're talking about,

we have 10 lots we can obtain.

Ok? And these
houses finished

are now at a million,
million two...

Yeah, if not more.

We have 7, 7 and a quarter
into some of the houses.

Ok, well, I'm going to
say good-bye.

Something wrong, diva?

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm... I gotta be somewhere.

I'm running really, really
straight... late.

I'm running really late.

I'm going to go.

Ok.

Diva, come on.

Come on, just stay a while.

Marty?
Tell diva not to go.

Ok. Diva, don't go.
Bye.

You're looking at...

No, no, no. No, don't.
Don't. Come on.

Laura...
Just stay.

I have to go now.

Well, let me walk you
to the door.

No. Laura, I know
where the door is.

You know what, Laura?

I'll walk her to the door, ok?

I'm sorry.

No, honey, don't be silly.

Just one of those days.

Really, I mean,
you've got guests.

I'll walk her to the door.

You're in the middle of
an important business...

I'll walk her to the door.
Can I talk to you for a minute?

Diva, don't go anywhere, ok?

Please don't go anywhere,
all right?

I just want to talk to you
before you go, ok?

I won't.

Ok.
Promise me you won't go.

I won't.

Let me hold your purse.

One minute, one minute.

Don't go, babe.

We'll be right back.

Come back here, come back here.

Listen, listen to me.

What?

What's going on?

Nothing.
I just want her to stay.

You want diva to stay?

I want us both to be with her.

You know, tonight,
after your guests leave.

Are you crazy?
Have you lost your mind?

Do you have any idea

how important
this brunch is to me?

You got to know.

Honey, you have got to
admit that she is foxy.

She's foxy?

What are you,
k.D. Lang?

Are you out of your mind?

This will be good for us.
It'll be good for us.

I just want you to be happy.

Don't touch me.
You want me to be happy?

Yes.

Then let her go home,
and you snap out of it.

Ok, Laura?

Honey, I know that you
think she's fine.

You're being a nut case today.

Snap out of it.

I don't know...

Ok, Billy, can you
get Laura a bagel?

Um, I'm gonna walk
diva to the door.

I'm gonna walk diva to the door.

I'm gonna walk diva to the door!

Sit down.
Go sit down.

Get the fuck down!
Go sit the fuck down!

Mmm!

Go sit the fuck down.
Go! Go!

Now.

What is going on here, Marty?

Nothing, nothing.
Laura's just gone...

Marty, did you ask
your wife to hit on me?

Is that what's going on here?

Did you just ask your wife
to hit on me?

No. Why would I do that?

What am I, a deviate?

Why would I ask my wife
to hit on a woman?

Because, Marty,
she just did, ok?

She hit on me big time.

Ok, good,
so why do I get blamed?

I had nothing to do with it.

She did it on her own.

She did it on her own?

Yes, yes. She's going
through something, ok?

Going through something?

Yes. She's having
a breakdown or something.

It's not a big deal.

Listen, I'm just
gonna say good-bye.

You know what? I think I'm
just gonna go talk to her...

No. Diva, I'm just
gonna say good-bye.

Thank you very much... aah!

Didi! Didi!

I don't need to talk to you.
I just need to see Laura.

Wait!
Didi, didi, listen.

We just got to make
sure that we own

or have the rights
to all the lots

before we show them our homes.

Wait, wait, wait.

Laura. Hi, Laura.

Hi, didi.

I need to show you something.

I'm sorry to barge in on you.

Hi, hi, hi.
Hi, I'm didi.

This is didi.

This is Dave and Evie pembroke.

Billy and Carol you know.

And this is our friend didi,

who, uh...
Forgot her purse

and has now...
Located it.

I'm gonna walk her
to the door, ok?

Laura.

This is a brochure
on an arts fair

and a sculpture sympo-sium

that they're having in monterey.

Oh, a symposium.

Ok, ok.

So I'll be with you
in a minute, Dave.

Say good-bye now.
Ok?

Let go of my...
You're being an asshole.

I'm not being an asshole.

Let go of me, pin dick.

Come join us, didi.

Join... honey, join us?

Yeah.

I don't understand
why you're so upset.

You're the one that wanted me
to sleep with her.

Why am I so upset?

Because I think you
single-handedly

blew the pembroke deal
today, Laura.

That's why I'm so upset.

I don't know what's
gotten into you.

Honestly, I don't know
what's gotten into you.

What do you mean,
what has gotten into me?

Well, are you gay?
Are you gay now?

No. No, I am not gay.

Are you bi?

Uhh. No.
No, I don't know.

I mean, I thought I knew,
but now I don't.

Now I don't.

Ok, because I got to tell you,

I was watching some of
your moves the other night,

it was like watching
an old pro work, ok?

I thought I was in a Pavarotti
concert for a minute there.

Have you been with didi
before? Tell the truth.

No, I haven't.

I haven't been with didi before.

Before 2 nights ago,

I had never slept
with a woman before, ok?

That's the truth.

Well, you wouldn't know that
by watching you work.

I know. You know,
I know that.

I know that because...

I... I... because...

It's that... you know what it is?

It's that
home-court-advantage thing

that you were talking about.

I knew you... god, look at this...

I knew you were
going to say that.

You know how I knew?

Ask me how you knew.
You know how I knew?

How did you know, Marty?

Because I made the
home-court-advantage thing up.

It's bullshit, and I made it up.

But it's true!

No, it's bullshit.

Don't bullshit
a bullshit artist.

I'm telling you it's true.

It was like I knew
exactly what to do

to please didi.

And it was so,

oh, my god, it was so powerful,

and it was nice,

and, god, and then she
did these things to me,

and I thought
I was just gonna...

Melt and gyrate around the room.

I was there. I don't need
to hear the minutes read back.

I was there. I was
in the room, remember?

That was me, the guy
with his thumb up his ass.

That was me.
Fine.

Marty?

Yeah?

Listen, I need to leave
a little early today.

Donald and I are supposed
to go to big bear

to check out this banquet hall.

There's a giant
overstuffed moose head

that he's convinced

should be the centerpiece
for our reception.

I have to be there
to tell him how wrong he is.

Fine. Fine,
take the day off.

Listen, diva,

about yesterday,
I... I'm really sorry.

No, Marty. Don't worry
about it. It's cool.

Laura?

Laura? Laura? Laura?

What... what is...

Diva?

Oh, I can't believe this, ok?

Marty, don't be upset.

Don't be upset?
What should I be, Laura?

I come home, and my wife
and my assistant

are in bed together.
What should I be?

No, it's not like that.

Oh, it's not like that?

What's it like? Ok?
It is like that.

You're screwin' around on me.

No, Marty, she's not screwing
around on you, I promise.

Hey, diva, you lied.
Ok? Ok? You lied.

You said you were going
to look at a moose head,

which I got to say
is the exact opposite

of what you're looking at.

Marty, the showing got canceled.
I didn't lie to you.

We decided not to go.

Ok, good. Then you
go back to work.

You don't come here
and burrow your head

in between my wife's legs, ok?

Marty! Why are you
doing this?

Doing what?

This... this was for you.

This was for you.
We are warming up for you.

Warming up.

Waiting for you.

Waiting for me.

We were, Marty.

Yes, this was supposed
to be a surprise,

'cause I was planning
a little three-way for you.

A surprise for me?

Yes, so come on in, babe.

Laura, do you really think

I'm going to fall for that?

Ok.

Oh. Ok,
that was a good...

Surprise three-way,
Laura. We can stop now.

Ok, Laura.

Ok, Laura, everyone's
good and warmed up.

Ok.

Ok, Laura, we're...

Ok, Laura, how stupid
do I look, ok?

Warming up for me.

Warming up for me.

How stupid do I look, huh?

So, Marty, what's up?

You seem a little low.

Low?
Yeah, I guess.

What's up?

Nothing, nothing.

Come on, what's going on?

Something with Laura
and I, you know.

We're going through something.

What? She's sleeping
with a woman?

You guessed that?
Who told you that?

What?

You guessed that?

Yeah. What,
did I guess right?

Wait a minute.
You mean your wife Laura

is sleeping with another woman?

I mean, if you want
to get technical,

she's actually
sleeping with 2 women.

Your wife is sleeping
with a couple of women?

Wow.

Hey, I begged, you know?

I begged and I pushed,
and, hey...

It happened, you know?

Good for you.

Actually, it gets worse.

You mean it gets better.

No, it gets worse.

She's doing diva.

Diva?

Your wife is sleeping
with your assistant diva?

What, diva diva?

Yes, yes.

It's not funny, Murphy.

It's not funny.

Did she happen to mention
if she was any good?

It's not funny, Murphy.
It's not funny.

All right, I'm sorry.
But you know,

it's a video I would
definitely go and rent.

So, Jane, how was your week?

Eventful, I hope.

Oh, not as eventful as Laura's.

You told her?

I can't believe you.

That... that's a breach.

Ok? That's a breach.

Honey, she's my best friend.
I tell her everything.

Apparently you do.

Are you gonna tell me

that you didn't tell
Billy and Murphy?

No. I didn't.
Ok? Of course not.

I wouldn't do that.

Did she tell you everything?

Oh, yeah.

Did she tell you
she seduced diva?

Yup. I love it.

You love it?

Good, Jane.

Egg her on.
That's good.

You know what?
After dinner,

we'll all go down to the forum.

They're playing women's
basketball tonight.

She can just do the whole team.

How's that?

We'll just throw her
in the locker room.

Hey!

Come on, open up.
Remember me?

The guy barely
paying the mortgage.

Come on.

Ok, ok, ok,
I'm comin'. Hold on.

Why is the door locked?
What are you doing?

Nothing.

You're alone?

You're in here alone?

Yeah, I'm alone.

Hi, Marty.

Marty, don't be mad.

Diva! Jane!
What...

Hello, pin dick.

Guess who brought the play toys.

Laura!

Oh, hey, Marty.

Don't be mad.

It's just a little nightmare.

You had a dream
that they had an orgy

and locked you out.

Not a dream, a nightmare.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

3 incredible women, lying around

lapping up the little
man in the canoe...

I mean, where is
the nightmare in that?

The nightmare is they wanted
nothing to do with me.

I was locked outside the door.

That speaks of sexual
inadequacy to me.

Exactly.

What are you talking about?

Hey, it was your dream.

All I'm saying is,

if that were me
in that situation

and I found myself

locked outside the bedroom door

with my schmekle in my mitt,

I'd be thinking about
some sex therapy,

that's all I'm saying.

Are you mad, Marty?

Don't be mad.

Mad? No, I'm not mad.
I'm worried.

I'm justifiably worried.

Honey, you shouldn't be.

I'm just experimenting
as a woman.

Really, it's nice.

Oh, that's nice.
It's nice.

Obviously I've been
hiding things from you,

from myself, and...

I mean, it's gonna be ok.

Either way, it's not
a big deal, all right?

Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas,

and the drive and the time away

will be good for me.
Ok?

You're going to Vegas
with my sister.

Laura, listen to me,
I'm begging you, ok?

I'm begging you. This is
my baby sister, ok?

This is my baby sister.

Marty, stop it.
We go to Vegas every year.

This isn't every year.

I am not going
to disappoint her.

Nothing is going to happen.

Would you just relax?

All set, Laura.

Oh, I'm raring and ready to go.

I am your prisoner
for the next 24 hours.

Just do with me what you will.

Oh, god.

Laura, listen to me.

We need to postpone this, ok?

Just until we get you
professional help.

I don't need
professional help, Marty.

Ok, ok. I got
a good compromise.

Separate rooms, ok?

Separate rooms on
the far side of the hotel.

You can be in the east wing,

and she can be in the west wing.

Listen.

You're on thin ice here, Laura.

You're on thin ice here.

Laura, sweetie... bye.

No. No. Don't go
good-bye. No, wait.

Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura.

Bye, Marty.

Bye.

Laura!

Laura, don't you dare
have sex with my baby sister!

Ahh!

Laura.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Murphy.

I made myself a little sandwich.

No problem.

Where's Laura?

She's in Vegas with my sister.

Is she diddling your sister?

She is?

I didn't say that.

Your wife is diddling
your sister?

Your wife is diddling
your sister?

Your wife is diddling
your sister?

Your wife is diddling
your sister?!

Ha ha ha ha!
That's great!

Your wife is diddling
your sister?

Hey, who can blame her?

Your sister's a hottie.

Could I use your phone?
I want to go call my wife.

I'd like to set
the two of them up

for a little lunch.

Ellen, baby?
Hey, hey, hi.

You had fun?
Look at this.

You're dressed alike, and...

You're all happy. Look
at you. You're happy.

You won? You won?
Is that what happened?

Kind of.

No? You lost,
and you're all smiley

'cause you lost?

Actually, we didn't gamble.

No. No gambling.

I'll see you soon.

I had a wonderful time.

So did I. Bye.

Wonderful?
What do you mean, wonderful?

What? What?

You saw shows?
You saw shows?

Is that it? You went
shopping, right?

No shows.

Laura, Laura,

tell me you didn't
have sex with my sister.

I didn't have sex
with your sister.

I mean, not like
you're thinking.

Not really.

Not really? Not really?

What does that mean, not really?

How do you not really have sex
with someone's sister?

Come on, Marty.

I mean, we talked.
We held each other.

It was really nice.

And you know what?
It's been so long

since anybody's touched her.

Oh, don't tell me that.
I don't want to know that.

Do you want to have
breakfast, Marty?

Because I'm going to
have a giant breakfast.

Oh, jeez, this is becoming
a nightmare with you.

No, it isn't.

Yes.
Yes, it is.

No. You're taking this
all the wrong way,

because I am feeling so great.

Oh, good.

Really. This is going
to be good for us.

This is good for us? This is
going to be good for us?

How is this going
to be good for us?

You had sex with my sister.

Hey, hey, got a big
family reunion coming up.

Why don't you make
a little wish list?

Well, that's it.

I've blown it.

I turned her into a sex monster.

She's going to leave me,
too, Billy.

I can feel it.

You haven't blown it.
She's not going anywhere.

So she likes girls.
Big deal. So do you.

Now you got something in common.

This is what you wanted.

Relax.
Enjoy it.

That's easy for you
to say, Billy.

It's not your wife.

Now, if it was my wife,

I'd be digging it.

But that ain't never
going to happen.

Carol is too damn hungry
to bother having sex.

♪ Why live in so much misery ♪

♪ day after day

♪ when there is
so much happiness ♪

♪ flowing my way?

Hey, just spoke to pembroke.

Got some pretty good
news for you.

The guy sounds very,
very interested.

Yeah?

Aah! Gee!

What the hell was that for?

That's for you and
your wife's big mouth.

I'm sorry, honey.

I... I did tell Carol
about what you told me

about Billy's girlfriend
in Fresno.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Look, I was in a weakened state,

and we were talking, and...

She was vulnerable, and...

She was hungry,
and she just needed someone

to share a pizza with

and not be judged for it.

She really needed me.

Carol really, really needed me.

She did.

Hey, Marty,

how's that hot little
wife of yours?

Wouldn't mind getting me
some of that action.

I'd bang your wife
so hard, Marty,

you'd think a brass band

was coming down the street.

"Who's my bitch?
Who's my bitch?"

I'll have her screaming,
"who's my bitch?"

I would go so far down
on your wife

you'd need a passport

to get her out
of Central America.

I was with your wife so long

I got to put my tongue
in a sling.

I'd chew her box

like a fuckin' hamster.

Ng, ng, ng,
na! Na!

Hey, babe.

Dr. Berman called.

He wants you
to call him right away.

All right.

Well, Marty,

we, uh, found a polyp.

We need to take it out.

Take it out.

What does that mean... surgery?

Well, we do it here now

and run a test
to make sure it's benign.

Do it right here?

It's a very simple
procedure, really.

A little bit of prep work.

It's just one machine...
Works with lasers.

Nice machine...
It's made by Sony.

Sony.

So, did I tell you I bought
that Porsche Boxster?

♪ Baby, baby me

♪ my love, you know I will ♪

sweetie, wake up.

Wake up, honey.

You need to eat something.

I'm not hungry, Laura.
I'm not hungry.

Honey, you haven't
eaten all day.

Just have a little soup.

I don't want any soup.
I can't...

Honey, listen here.
Let me help you up.

What?

Why is it so important
that I eat the soup?

What do you mean?

What'd you put in my soup?

Did you put something
in my soup?

Marty.

Is that it?

Slipped a little doozy
in Marty's soup,

send him off to all-boy heaven?

Then move one of your
little Bettys in here?

Is that what's going on?

You're delirious.

I'm not delirious. Not with
everything that's going on.

It's not that far-fetched.

Perfect time.
Blame it on the polyp.

How do I know you didn't
put something in this soup?

You're being ridiculous, honey.

Would you like me
to try the soup?

Yeah. Yeah,
you have the soup.

You have the soup.

Such great soup.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm just wiped out.

I'm sorry.

Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, baby.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry.
Come here.

Come here.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.

♪ I'm gonna love you

it's good soup.

♪ So hold me and tell me

♪ that everything's all right ♪

♪ and, baby, now's the time ♪

♪ oh, darlin', take my hand ♪

♪ oh, baby, be my girl

♪ you'll be my lovin' man ♪

♪ say that you're mine

♪ I'm yours

♪ that you love me true ♪

♪ I do

♪ and, baby

♪ baby me

♪ and I will baby you

♪ whoa, whoa

♪ whoa, whoa

Hello?

Yeah.
Just a moment.

♪ Ooh, baby, yeah, yeah

♪ whoa, whoa

♪ whoa, whoa

♪ ooh, baby, yeah, yeah

honey...

It's Dr. Berman.

Hello?

Marty, Jerry berman.

Well, these calls
go one of two ways.

This one's going your way,
Marty. You're fine.

You should have a good life.

Give Laura my love.

And, Marty, I got to tell you.
I've known you a long time.

You're the biggest baby
I've ever operated on, ever.

I mean it.

A wuss, Marty.

Ok. Bye-bye.

Bye.

It's ok.

Oh.

It's ok.

Aah!

Marty?

I love you.

The scare was
really good for me.

It made me realize
how much I love you.

Lately, I've been thinking

I was hiding
this dark desire from you,

but I haven't been...

Not at all.

It's not what I want.

I want what we have.

It's so much more
important to me

than having sex with women.

I want you to know that.

I only want to be with you.

Really. That's what
I figured out.

I... I just want
to have sex with you.

Thanks, Laura.

I got to tell you,
I feel the same way.

I really do.

A lot of sex, Marty.

A lot of sex?

Great, great.

Good.

I want to triple the amount
of sex that we have.

You want to triple
the amount of sex we have?

That's a lot of sex.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, baby, baby, baby.
Oh, baby.

That's it!

Don't stop.
Don't stop.

Was that ok?

You could do better.

Better?

I'm ready again, Marty.
Wake up.

Aah! Gentle, babe.
Gentle. Ow!

Come on.
Up, up, up.

Ohh.

Mmm.

It's playtime.

Oh, shit, it's the pembrokes.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Marty, how you doing?

Hey, I'm doing good.

Sorry to just drop by, but
we were in the neighborhood.

I thought you might
want to take us

up in the canyon
and show us that house.

The house?
Yeah, definitely.

Let me just run in and
tell Laura I'm going to go.

No. Bring her.

I have a feeling I'm going
to need some company.

♪ Doo doo doo doo

♪ doo doo doo doo-doo

♪ doo doo doo doo

♪ doo doo doo doo-doo

♪ well

♪ take a little advice from me ♪

♪ play around with tnt

♪ but, baby

♪ don't play around with love ♪

♪ well

oops!

Oh, Marty, are you ok?

Every bedroom
has its own balcony,

first-class windows,
everything high-end...

Everything, everything.

We get the best of everything.

Marty, this is
a hell of a house.

I mean, this kid
is a real talent.

Yes. Yes, he is.
He's very talented,

and I also have
to say he's lucky

he's got a very strong partner,

because this was not
an easy house for us to build.

I am very impressed
with this kid's work.

I'm glad. I'm glad. We've
put a lot of work into this.

We really have. We put
a lot of work into this house.

So, do you really
dislike L.A.?

Me? No.

Dave does.

When you stay married
long enough,

you really have
to think hard sometimes

which opinions
are actually your own.

Yeah. I find myself
doing that...

Just grafting onto Marty's
likes and dislikes.

Ha ha! I hate
to admit this,

but being with Dave
has really changed me.

I used to be a democrat.

He turned me into a republican.

They can do that.

You know, before Dave,

I was actually
a bit of a liberal.

What's this room in here?

This room is going
to be the, um...

This is the, um...

You know, I don't know
what this room is.

He's going to be here
in about 15 minutes.

We'll ask him.

Evie wants to have lunch.

Lunch with you and Evie...
You think that's a good idea?

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Her husband's my only
serious shot at an investor,

and you have
the sexual self-control

of a 52-year-old senator.

You tell me.

Thank you very much, honey.

Oh, damn, I got
a parking ticket.

Got a damn parking ticket.

Honey, just calm down.
It's just a parking ticket.

It's not a parking ticket.

It's god fucking with me, ok?

First, he sends parking tickets,

and then he sends
drought and famine.

No, no. He's not in,
either. No.

No. I asked rovenberg.

He gave me a whole
"money's tight" speech.

Yeah, I'll figure it out.

All right.
All right, all right.

Bye.

All right, I've been
thinking about it.

You think she really likes you?

Evie pembroke?

Yeah, I think she likes me.

All right, I know this is
going to piss you off.

I know it's going to sound bad,

but I think you should
pursue it a little bit.

Marty.

Marty, are you asking me
to have sex with Evie?

No. No, I'm not
asking you to have... no.

I'm asking you to do, you know,

do your little pizza gag

or do your little rap
on her, you know?

Get cozy with her.

Excuse me.
I don't have a rap,

and I resent this.

Ok, Laura,

I'm just asking you

to get a little friendly
with the woman.

Get to know her.

Talk her into
talking her husband

into investing
in my project, ok?

It's a favor I'm asking you...

To keep this house, to
keep our lifestyle, ok?

I need you to go in

for one last strategic hit.

Uhh.

What?

It wasn't such
a big goddamn deal

when you were chasing my sister

around the Wayne Newton suite.

Laura...

These are so great.

You really are talented.

Oh, thank you.

Marty made all my shelves.

I love this little guy.

Oh.

That's my dad.
That's my father.

Really?

I didn't know
you knew my father.

Oh, Laura, I really,
really love your work.

It's so... Warm.

I didn't know you did women.

I... I don't, really.

I mean, I tried a few.

Well, it looks like
you have a feel for them.

Huh.

Do you like it?

I think I figured out

that I prefer doing young men.

That's a shame.

Oh, look at you.

Oh.

You're blushing.
Am I?

Oh, you're bright red.

Ok, I really don't think
we should be doing this.

Yes, we should.

I really don't...

Yeah, we should. I...

I thought you were against this.

No. Me? No, no, no.
Dave is.

Dave is.

Let go.

I'm the opposite
of Dave.Oh.

Dave is square.

I am the opposite of square.

You're the opposite of square?

Yeah.

You know, the first night
I met you,

I picked up on your energy.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I've got
an eye and an ear for it.

Mmm.

I can pick them
out of the crowd...

Straight little wife

with the straight little life.

You're so pent-up, aren't you?

Uhh!

Oh, it's ok.

You're just about ready
to let the dam burst.

I mean, I... I think
I kind of like the dam.

I... I'm not sure I want
to see it burst.

Oh...

I've got to go.

We'll continue this
conversation another time.

Ok.

Give me a minute.
Give me a minute.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Listen.

Hey, hey, come on, come on.

I'm kidding.
I was joking.

Hey, she looks great.

Hi, Carol.

You know, I don't know
what your wife did to her,

but she is a whole
different animal.

She's on a diet.
She's into sex.

All right, so things
worked out, right?

Friends again?

No.

You know, I... I know
why you told her.

You told her because you
think you're better than me.

No. You told her
because you think

because you don't cheat
behind your wife's back,

because you cheat
in front of her face,

you've found this high,
lofty moral ground

where you can sit up there
and judge me from.

That's not true, Billy.
It isn't.

It is true.
It isn't.

It is, too, and you know it.

And you're wrong,

because you can be in
the same bed with your wife,

and you can be cheating on her.

You're in big trouble
with god, Marty.

Don't say that.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to finish the house,

and then we'll sell it.

You'll get your money back,

and then, you know what?

We're done. I mean it.
We're... we're done.

Fine.
I got it.

You know, I...

I don't like you.

I don't trust you.

I got it.

You know, I...

I just realized that... that
you're not my kind of guy.

Hey, I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

Evie, hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I was just going shopping.
You want to join me?

Shopping?

No, no.

I've already done my shopping.

I'm here to close a sale.

Close a sale?

Yeah.

I'm going inside.

You're going inside?

Inside, upstairs.

I'm going to wait
for you in the bedroom.

Wait for me?

Yeah. I don't have
a lot of time.

It's my cub scout pickup day.

Come on.

Come on.
Quickly.

Wait for me upstairs?

The door's locked.

Ok.

Billy!

It's for you.

Yeah, this is Billy.

Billy, it's pembroke.
Where's your partner?

I got a check for him.

I'm in with you guys.

I just want to go over
a few things with him.

I don't know.
I... I think he went home.

All right, I'll head over there.

I'll talk to you soon.

Yeah, all right.

Ohh!

Ohh...

Hey.

Mmm.

You want to have some real fun?

Oh. More fun than this?

Yeah.

Oh, those are Marty's
favorite ties.

Aw...

Poor Marty.

To hell with Marty!

I want you to tie me up.
Come on.

Now push me down.

Push me hard, hard, really hard.

Yes!

Ok, there you go...

All tied up and gagged.

What's next?

Take the pillow...

The pillow... and put it...

Take it... take it...

Take a pillow?

Yes!

Take the pillow and
put it under my butt!

E-Evie, you're starting
to scare me now.

Laura?

Laura?

Oh, shit.

Marty!

Are you kidding me?

Marty...

Don't be mad.

Don't be mad.

You were the one.
You told me.

I was the one?
I was the one what?

I told you to tie her up?

You've got Dave pembroke's wife

tied up in our bedroom!

Have you lost touch
with reality?

Marty, you started all of this.

What?
You.

Me?
Yes.

I told you
to get chummy with her.

I said get chummy with her.

I didn't ask you
to take her hostage.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, well...

You made me open certain doors

that just... I shouldn't
have opened.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

You know exactly what
I'm talking about, Marty.

This is what you wanted.

This is what I wanted?

I wanted you to tie up

Evie pembroke in our bedroom?

No, but you...
You wanted me to be...

I don't know.
You know what I...

What, what, what?

I wanted you to try
a few things, ok?

I wanted you to
fool around a little bit.

Is that so bad?

I didn't want you to become
a walking orgasm, Laura!

Jesus, you've taken
the whole thing way too far!

Yes, no, I haven't!
You have!

Don't you
yes, you have! Say that!

Don't you say that!
Don't, don't, don't, don't!

No!
Listen to me.

Listen to me. You've taken
the whole thing way too far.

You are tying women up,
and you're gagging them now.

That's too far.

What's next? I'm going
to come home one day,

and you're going to be
performing surgery!

It's not like that.
It is not like that.

This is your fault.

I was happy.

I was happy
just being your wife!

Oh, Laura.

Laura, just calm down, ok?

Let me just...

You know what? If you
had all this in you,

it was going to come out
sooner rather than later.

Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe I didn't want
the dam to burst, Marty.

You ever think about that?

What dam? What are you
talking about?

You burst the dam, Marty.

What fucking dam, Laura?

This is all your doing.

This is my doing?

You tied that woman
up in there, Marty.

Not me. You.

She's tied up with
my Hugo boss ties?

She picked the ties.

Oh, she has taste.
That's good to know.

Who's this?

I don't know.

Well, go find out, go find out.

Oh, no.

Marty!

What?

It's Dave.

Dave?
Dave!

He's here? Dave?

Guhh!

Why is he here?

I don't know.

Oh, jeez.
Oh, my god.

Aah!

What do we do?

This is not good.

Act natural, act natural.

No, that's semi-natural.

Yes. Yes.
Whatever, whatever.

Go over there.
Do it over there.

Oh, god.

Hey, Dave.

Come on in the yard.

Hey, Dave.
How you doing, Dave?

Hey. Hey, Dave.
Hey, Dave.

All right. Ok.

Hey, Dave.
How you doing?

Come on in the yard, man.

Where's my wife?

Your wife?
I don't know.

Hey, you want to go
down to the corner,

get a drink,

talk about the project?

No. Her car's here.

Her car's here?

Hi, Laura.

Hey, Dave, how you doin'?

Where's Evie?

Evie?
Uh, she's not here.

Yeah, no, she's not here, Dave.

You have any idea why
her car would be here, Laura?

Her car is here?
Wow.

I'm not a car person,
so I wouldn't know.

No. She's never
been a car person.

No.

You're not a car person?

Dave, you know what?
Dave, let's go in the yard.

You want to go in the backyard
and have a drink?

I don't want a drink.
I need to find my wife.

Maybe that's her.

No, it's not her.
It's not her.

Well, honey, you don't
know that it's not her.

I don't?
He doesn't?

Oh, I don't.
I couldn't know.

There's no way
I would know it's not her.

Ok, I don't, but I'll
check and I'll see.

I'll see if it's her.
I'll get the door,

and you guys,
go in the yard, ok, buddy?

Yeah, come on in the yard.

Didi! Hey, hey.

Hi. Bad time.
Bad time.

Laura's not here.

Marty, wait.

I have to talk to Laura.

I want to take her to
the sculpture sympo-sium.

I really think it
would be good for her.

Listen, Laura's not here, ok?

And I'm in the middle of
something. You have to go.

But, Marty, her car is here.

I know she's here.
What is your problem?

Didi, didi,
don't take this wrong,

but Laura does not want to be
part of your little club.

My little club?

Yes, ok? She had
a trial membership,

and we're not gonna renew.

A trial membership?

Yes. A trial membership,
and I have to go. Ok?

So, it's not about you,
no offense,

but we're not going to renew
the membership, ok?

What's the deal with Marty?

Uh, we just bought
a new Espresso machine,

and, um, he just had,
whoa, way too much, and, uh...

I'm gonna say good-bye.

You know something?
All you guys,

you think you know
so much about lesbians.

You think you're
so into lesbians,

but you're not.

You are into what you
wish lesbians were...

Cock-hungry nymphos
keeping themselves busy

until a real man hits town.

That's not the reality.

Ok, didi, very quickly,
what's the reality? I got to go!

The reality, Marty,
is that you pushed

and you pushed and you pushed,

and now your wife eats
pussy better than you do.

Have a nice day.

Uh, honey?
Hey.

Did that have anything
to do with Evie?

Was it Evie?

No.

No?

Someone about a sympo-sium.

Sympo-sium?

Yeah, sympo-sium.

A sympo-sium?

Sympo-si...
Yeah, yeah, a sympo-sium.

What the hell's
going on here, Marty?

Let's go down
and get a drink at a bar.

I'm going stir crazy.
I got to get out of the house.

What's that?

Um... our dog.
Our new dog.

Sounds like Evie.

It's our new dog.
It's a barking terrier.

Is that Evie?
No, no.

It's our dog.

Evie! Evie!

Evie, are you up there?
Evie, are you up here?

Evie!

Holy mother of god.
Evie!

Dave, listen to me!

I had nothing to do with this.

I came in and saw
the same thing and went, "aah!"

Son of a bitch!

You pervert!

No, Dave!
No, no, Dave!

Bring your fucking ass!

I'm gonna kill you, Marty!

You're a dead man!

You are a dead man, Marty!

You are a dead man!

Listen, don't overreact!

You got 18 furniture stores.

I don't want a lawsuit!

Come here, Marty, you son of a...

Come here, Marty.
Was it worth it, huh?

I didn't tie her up!

Dave! Dave!

Come here, Marty.

It's not what you think!

Was it worth it, Marty?

'Cause you are
going to die now, Marty.

You understand me?

Just stop it!
Just stop it!

Are you ok, Marty?

No, I'm not ok!
Do I look ok to you?

You are a dead man, Marty.

No, don't do anything.
Don't hurt him.

No! No! It was me!

I tied Evie up!
I did!

I tied...
Yes! Yes! It was me!

She didn't want to do it!

You tied my wife down?

Yes, it was me!

I didn't want to.
She seduced me.

I swear! I swear!

It's true. Laura didn't
want to tie her up.

Evie seduced her.
It's true, Dave.

It's true.

I wasn't gonna sleep
with any more women,

at least not for a while anyway.

Ok, good. Conversation
for another time?

Dave, listen...

I'm a stand-up guy.

I would not tie your wife up.

I wouldn't.
I've known you a long time.

I wouldn't do anything to
jeopardize our relationship...

Business or professional.

What the hell is
your deal, man, huh?

Married to some
weird L.A. sex freak,

is that your thing?

Dave, you know what?
Don't call Laura names.

What should I call her, Marty?

That's what she is.

She's got my wife tied
and gagged to the bed.

What should I call her?

You're married to a little
deviate L.A. sex twat.

Dave, screw you.
Screw you.

Screw me?

Don't call Laura names.
I mean it.

Screw you, Marty!

You're way overreacting, Marty.

I'm the one who should
be pissed off here.

You're overreacting, sunscreen.

I mean it.

Take your orange county
weather-beaten ass

and go get your drip-dried

grisly whacked-out
excuse for a wife

and get the hell out of here.

I'm serious.
I mean it.

You're a republican,

and this is
a no republican zone, ok?

You're... you're messing up
my property values.

Yeah.
Ok?

Take off, Dave.

Aw, the hell with it.

The hell with you,
and the hell with her.

The hell with you!

Ok, Laura, he gets the message.

And don't be surprised
when you get a bill

for cleaning and pressing

4 Hugo boss ties, ok, pembroke?

Oh, good, kick my gate,
millionaire.

That'll help.

Well, shit!
That didn't go well!

It was nice what you did,
though. Thanks.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Now I got to pay
the mortgage, though.

Ok, I think we're
this close to violating

a federal law of some kind.

Go upstairs and untie Evie.

No way. I'm not
gonna untie her.

Laura, you got a woman
tied and gagged upstairs.

Go upstairs and untie her.

No, I'm not going to untie her.

Hey, you tied her up.
Go untie her.

Marty Barnes, you go
untie her yourself.

No, you tied her up.
You go untie her.

Go untie her, Marty!

Now!

Fine, I'll untie her.

It's not that big of deal to me.

I'm going. I'm going.

Hi.

Evie, hi, hi.

Hi. Listen, um...

Before I untie you,

while I have your attention,

I just wanted to...

Take a minute and say,
you know, that, um...

I know this is going to be

really rough
on you and Dave, and...

It's probably
going to end up in...

A divorce for the two of you,

which is really sad.

Ok, what I'm thinking is,

what I'm thinking is,

you're gonna have half
of Dave's money, right?

And I got a really
good investment for you,

a really good project
that I'm working on.

It's something...

Hey, beautiful.

Hey, honey.

Look at you.

Like my hair?

Wow. Oh, yeah.
Are you kidding?

I'm crazy about it.

Great.

You hungry?

Yeah. I'm starved.

Can we go some place nice?

Anywhere you want.
You know that.

Hi. I'm Henry.

Henry. Marty.
Nice to meet you, man.

Nice to meet you.

Do you like her new hair?

Her hair?

Yeah, yeah, I like her hair.

Thanks.

Nice meeting you, Henry.

Bye-bye.

See you, Henry.

You like this restaurant,
don't you?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Always did.

I know you did.

You know what?

We're gonna start
coming here again a lot.

Wow. That'd be nice.
Thanks.

Good.

What did you think of Henry?

The guy at your salon?

Mm-hmm.

Seemed like a nice guy.

Do you think he's
openly bisexual?

What do you mean,
openly bisexual?

Well, if I went in there
this afternoon, and I went,

"hey, is anybody
in here bisexual,"

what do you think
little Henry would do?

What's your point, Laura?

I think he'd be good for you.

Good for me?

You're messing with me, right?

Yeah.

I might be.

♪ Don't do it, don't do it ♪

♪ rude boy

♪ gonna love that

♪ don't watch it

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna
make it mine, all mine ♪

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ mind what you do

♪ because you might
get touched ♪

♪ 2 women, 2 women
then that might be too much ♪

♪ you know them little girls,
they've got the special touch ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ don't do it, don't do it

♪ gonna like that

♪ gonna like that

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ ska lover

♪ do it

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ woman to woman,
say, you get too hot ♪

♪ home-court advantage,
it's a 3-point shot ♪

♪ so why won't you do me,
'cause your my big catch ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ watch the line, rude boy ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ ska lover, ska lover

♪ the double trouble lover

♪ woman to woman,
say, you get too hot ♪

♪ home-court advantage,
it's a 3-point shot ♪

♪ so why won't you do me,
'cause your my big catch ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ watch the line, rude boy ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ rub it up

♪ push it up

♪ wind and grind,
make you feel so fine ♪

♪ rock it right

♪ through the night ♪

♪ girl, I'm gonna make
you mine, all mine ♪

♪ don't do it