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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,950 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:10,074 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 3 00:00:14,730 --> 00:00:16,710 [EERIE WIND] 4 00:00:16,710 --> 00:00:20,560 NARRATOR: Some say he was born in the back of a pickup truck. 5 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,530 Some say it was a highway reststop. 6 00:00:23,530 --> 00:00:26,730 And some say he was belched full-form 7 00:00:26,730 --> 00:00:29,650 from the chrome exhaust of a dead-headed semi. 8 00:00:29,650 --> 00:00:32,330 But wherever he came from, he was destined 9 00:00:32,330 --> 00:00:35,160 to become hell on wheels! 10 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,010 [ENGINE REVVING] 11 00:00:37,930 --> 00:00:39,810 It's the story of-- 12 00:00:39,810 --> 00:00:41,710 [GUNFIRE] 13 00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:50,550 --Baby Bullets, too young, too tough, too fast. 14 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,030 [ENGINE ROARING & TIRES SQUEALING] 15 00:00:59,170 --> 00:00:59,970 Aahhh! 16 00:01:03,910 --> 00:01:05,040 NARRATOR: It's the thrilling story 17 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:09,240 of a talented toddler and a gift that would come to haunt him. 18 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,200 [EXCITING MUSIC] 19 00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:28,490 A piston-packing hard-riding highway-hustler in Pampers, 20 00:01:28,490 --> 00:01:30,930 who didn't know when to stop. 21 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:36,310 [SIREN] 22 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,630 [ENGINE REVVING] 23 00:01:47,090 --> 00:01:49,970 It's the story of Baby Bullets. 24 00:01:49,970 --> 00:01:52,470 He'll crawl out of his diapers and drive 25 00:01:52,470 --> 00:01:54,420 right into your heart. 26 00:01:54,420 --> 00:01:55,570 [TIRES SQUEALING] 27 00:01:56,370 --> 00:01:57,830 [BABY SQUEALING] 28 00:01:57,830 --> 00:02:00,750 His daring will amaze you. 29 00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:04,590 He lived fast and loose and grabbed love where he could. 30 00:02:04,590 --> 00:02:06,490 [BABIES GURGLING] 31 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:15,060 And soon, it was the mob that wanted him. 32 00:02:15,060 --> 00:02:18,140 There's only one driver good enough for this job. 33 00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:22,450 Bring me Baby Bullets! 34 00:02:22,450 --> 00:02:25,450 NARRATOR: He was the dangerous darling of the mob. 35 00:02:25,450 --> 00:02:28,340 And they called him the Babe, the Bambino. 36 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:35,140 This infamous infant would stop at nothing 37 00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:37,170 to get what he wanted. 38 00:02:37,170 --> 00:02:39,050 [TIRES SQUEALING] 39 00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:40,210 Don't worry about a thing. 40 00:02:40,210 --> 00:02:41,510 I'll take care of it myself personally. 41 00:02:41,510 --> 00:02:42,310 [BABY CRYING] 42 00:02:42,310 --> 00:02:43,320 I promise. 43 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:44,990 OK, OK, just take it easy. 44 00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:45,980 Take it easy. 45 00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:47,970 It'll be done. 46 00:02:47,970 --> 00:02:49,170 [BABY GURGLING] 47 00:02:50,020 --> 00:02:55,170 Baby became the talc of the town, until he took a powder. 48 00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:58,260 He must be stopped! 49 00:02:58,260 --> 00:02:59,510 Bring in the infantry! 50 00:02:59,510 --> 00:03:00,690 [BUGLE & MARCHING] 51 00:03:01,490 --> 00:03:02,980 [BABY CRYING] 52 00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:11,510 NARRATOR: Explosive drama so exciting you'll spit up. 53 00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,110 [BABY COOING] 54 00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:15,350 [BEEPING] 55 00:03:16,790 --> 00:03:18,230 [BABY COOING] 56 00:03:20,650 --> 00:03:22,620 So you won't talk, eh? 57 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:23,770 [BABY GURGLING] 58 00:03:24,570 --> 00:03:28,470 Baby Bullets-- the real story of the hot tot 59 00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:29,940 the top cops hop to stop. 60 00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:30,910 [TIRES SQUEALING] 61 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:32,870 [BABY CRYING] 62 00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:37,980 Baby Bullets-- they couldn't hold him. 63 00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:39,740 They couldn't scold him. 64 00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:41,870 They couldn't even burp him. 65 00:03:41,870 --> 00:03:43,870 [GUNFIRE] 66 00:03:43,870 --> 00:03:44,840 [BABY CRYING] 67 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:49,360 "Baby Bullets," the only movie that has to be 68 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,570 changed four times a day. 69 00:03:55,070 --> 00:03:57,340 [MUSIC PLAYING] 70 00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:05,250 Please read this aloud. 71 00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:08,820 For far too long, a very special segment of our society 72 00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:10,700 has been excluded from the motion picture 73 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,470 going experience. 74 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:15,110 Now, for the first time, the producers 75 00:04:15,110 --> 00:04:17,140 are proud to present a motion picture equipped 76 00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:21,360 with blind-o-vision, to assist our blind audience in 77 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:26,200 the enjoyment of Gena's story. 78 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,540 [MUSIC - PIANO] 79 00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:33,480 NARRATOR: "Gena's Story," or "On my Own," 80 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:41,390 "By Myself," "Just me," "Alone." 81 00:04:41,390 --> 00:04:42,190 WOMAN: Up yours. 82 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,900 NARRATOR: Finally, a serious woman's picture. 83 00:04:54,150 --> 00:04:57,850 Meet Gena, independent, cosmopolitan, 84 00:04:57,850 --> 00:05:00,560 and loving mother of two. 85 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,310 Meet the husband that leaves her-- 86 00:05:03,310 --> 00:05:04,660 Call my secretary. 87 00:05:04,660 --> 00:05:05,730 We'll have lunch. 88 00:05:08,870 --> 00:05:10,680 NARRATOR: --the lover that finds her-- 89 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:19,740 Ugh! 90 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:23,500 NARRATOR: --the lover that leaves her, 91 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:26,480 and the liver that loves her. 92 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,270 And introducing-- 93 00:05:27,270 --> 00:05:28,290 What do you want [INAUDIBLE]? 94 00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:33,180 NARRATOR: --Henri Henri, as Jacques Perrier, the other man, 95 00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:38,050 every woman's dream, bearded, tender, 96 00:05:38,050 --> 00:05:40,330 and naturally sparkling. 97 00:05:40,330 --> 00:05:46,060 Perrier knows how to make almost any woman feel nearly human. 98 00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:48,060 [GROANING] 99 00:05:48,060 --> 00:05:51,560 Oh, oh, oh. 100 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:52,450 Oh, Jacques. 101 00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:53,250 Oui. 102 00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:54,050 Jacques. 103 00:05:54,050 --> 00:05:54,970 Oui! 104 00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:55,920 Jacques! 105 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,830 [HEAVY BREATHING & GROANING] 106 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,230 JACQUES: Oui. 107 00:06:06,230 --> 00:06:07,030 Oui. 108 00:06:07,030 --> 00:06:08,090 GENA: Oui, oui. 109 00:06:08,090 --> 00:06:08,890 JACQUES: Yeah. 110 00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,050 GENA: Oui, oui! 111 00:06:10,050 --> 00:06:11,210 JACQUES: Oh, yeah. 112 00:06:11,210 --> 00:06:12,510 [INCREASING PANTS] 113 00:06:12,510 --> 00:06:14,190 Yeah, yeah. 114 00:06:14,190 --> 00:06:15,290 Can I put it in your [INAUDIBLE]? 115 00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:16,690 Oh, put it in, Jacques. JACQUES: Put it in! 116 00:06:16,690 --> 00:06:17,490 Put it in! 117 00:06:17,490 --> 00:06:20,480 [PANTS AND GROANS] 118 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,830 Oh, aahh! 119 00:06:22,830 --> 00:06:24,500 NARRATOR: It's only a story. 120 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:29,230 Her loves, her lives, the things that make her special, 121 00:06:29,230 --> 00:06:32,260 make her unique, like all of us. 122 00:06:35,530 --> 00:06:36,930 [LAUGHTER] 123 00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:41,630 And the encounters that send a message to all of us. 124 00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:45,610 Oh man, what do you want me to do? 125 00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:48,220 I told you, I can't-- say, w-- why, she was talking 126 00:06:48,220 --> 00:06:50,260 on [INAUDIBLE] phones, right? 127 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:54,430 Cops and-- lay-- uh-- yeah-- writing, right? 128 00:06:54,430 --> 00:06:55,230 Scratching. 129 00:06:55,230 --> 00:06:57,010 And uh-- writing. 130 00:06:57,010 --> 00:06:59,140 And it's like people in a circle, right? 131 00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:00,580 There's like four or five people there. 132 00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:01,600 I'm getting it now, right? 133 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,110 And uh-- more writing. 134 00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:03,980 Yeah, like-- 135 00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:09,880 NARRATOR: "Gena's Story," a story for this time, next time, 136 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:14,950 the time after, the time after that, and always. 137 00:07:14,950 --> 00:07:15,750 [INAUDIBLE], right? 138 00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:16,740 And dancing! 139 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:17,720 And she's dancing. 140 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:18,620 Like, she's got panties on. 141 00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:19,450 I'm on a roll now, right? 142 00:07:19,450 --> 00:07:20,690 She's got panties on. 143 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,960 And like, behind in the picture, it's like a loft, man. 144 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,840 And it's like pretty floors, wood floors, 145 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,260 like they been sanded, like in the last-- 146 00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:29,460 and it's a coffee table. 147 00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:32,420 [MUSIC PLAYING] 148 00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:47,700 [DOG HOWLING] 149 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,140 [MUSIC PLAYING] 150 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,290 NARRATOR: All his life, they said it was going to be tough. 151 00:08:07,290 --> 00:08:11,680 But everything still kept coming too easy. 152 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:15,870 Bobby, I want to tell you something as a friend. 153 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:16,670 Yeah? 154 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:17,470 What's that? 155 00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:22,000 [BLEEP] you. 156 00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:25,730 [BLEEP] you! 157 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:27,780 [MUSIC PLAYING] 158 00:08:28,580 --> 00:08:32,020 An important new motion picture in black and white, 159 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:34,420 from an award-winning director. 160 00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:38,280 A film of the most profound dimensions, the most moving 161 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,930 experience ever put on film. 162 00:08:40,930 --> 00:08:42,910 [TOILET FLUSHING] 163 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,810 [BURPING] 164 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,690 You talking to me? 165 00:08:55,690 --> 00:08:56,610 You [INAUDIBLE]. 166 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,310 You got something to say to me? 167 00:09:01,310 --> 00:09:02,990 Well, I got something to say to you. 168 00:09:02,990 --> 00:09:04,150 [BLEEP] you. 169 00:09:04,150 --> 00:09:06,410 [BLEEP] me? [BLEEP] you. 170 00:09:06,410 --> 00:09:08,240 Yeah? 171 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,220 [BLEEP] you! 172 00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:22,200 The [INAUDIBLE] saw Fontaceli walking down the street. 173 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:30,620 NARRATOR: "Raging Bullshit," a picture so 174 00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:35,040 profound you'll rediscover emotions you've never had. 175 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,400 --[BLEEP] you and the horse you rode in on! 176 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,200 Huh! 177 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,500 [BLEEP] me? 178 00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:42,030 No, you got it wrong. 179 00:09:42,030 --> 00:09:43,030 [BLEEP] you. 180 00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:47,820 Martin Snorzeze's "Raging Bullshit." 181 00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:52,760 Bobby became a winner, because he had nothing left to lose. 182 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:53,980 Bobby-- 183 00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:54,970 [WHISTLE] 184 00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,460 ----[BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP], 185 00:09:57,460 --> 00:10:01,260 [BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP] you. 186 00:10:01,260 --> 00:10:10,120 NARRATOR: "Raging Bullshit," the man, the moment, the movie. 187 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,120 [BLEEP] yooou! 188 00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:18,610 [MUSIC PLAYING] 189 00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:37,570 [MUSIC PLAYING] 190 00:10:45,750 --> 00:10:46,550 [BRAKES SQUEALING] 191 00:10:46,550 --> 00:10:47,550 [CAR CRASH] 192 00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:48,540 [LAUGHTER] 193 00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:49,540 MAN: What are you, deaf? 194 00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:50,540 You [BLEEP]. 195 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:51,340 [BLEEP] you! 196 00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:53,540 No, [BLEEP] you. [BLEEP] you and the horse you rode in on. 197 00:10:53,540 --> 00:10:56,030 [BLEEP] you, you-- [BLEEP] you. 198 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,500 Van Waspishes, what you got? 199 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:14,490 Meatloaf. 200 00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:17,490 How about you, O'Mally? 201 00:11:17,490 --> 00:11:18,490 The usual. 202 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,630 Doesn't get you down, O'Mally? 203 00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:29,110 Being an unimportant part of something so big. 204 00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:31,050 I mean, don't you think there has to be something 205 00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:33,570 better than this city? 206 00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:34,490 Better than this job? 207 00:11:34,490 --> 00:11:36,320 Better than this speech? 208 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,950 Sometimes, I think about building something 209 00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:42,250 for my family and me, far away from this contained giant 210 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,650 they call the Big Apple. 211 00:11:43,650 --> 00:11:44,450 Hey, cool it! 212 00:11:44,450 --> 00:11:47,300 Here comes the foreman! 213 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,570 Van Waspishes, what the hell are you doing eating? 214 00:11:50,570 --> 00:11:52,140 You know you're not supposed to be 215 00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:54,270 away from the asbestos machine. 216 00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:55,810 How many times I told you? 217 00:11:55,810 --> 00:12:00,980 I want you to eat, drink, and breath asbestos. 218 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:03,670 What does it take to get through to you? 219 00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:04,780 Wait a minute. 220 00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:07,870 Let me try it this way. 221 00:12:07,870 --> 00:12:10,240 (HIGH VOICE) Van Waspishes, you eat asbestos, 222 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,630 you drink asbestos. 223 00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:14,440 And if I ask you, you sleep asbestos. 224 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:15,850 (BURLY VOICE) You got it? 225 00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:16,790 Yeah, I got it. 226 00:12:16,790 --> 00:12:18,200 In fact, I've had it. 227 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,340 I've had it up to here, with this job, with you, 228 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,940 this whole stinking city. 229 00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:24,030 I quit, you understand. 230 00:12:24,030 --> 00:12:26,020 Take care of yourself, O'Mally. 231 00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:36,930 New York, for once you're going to listen to me. 232 00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:39,900 [SIRENS & JACKHAMMER] 233 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,330 And one more thing-- 234 00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:52,300 [LOUD CITY NOISES OVER SONG] 235 00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:57,260 PS, and I'm never-- 236 00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:59,740 [LOUD CITY NOISES OVER SONG] 237 00:13:11,150 --> 00:13:12,350 Right, give me one with everything. 238 00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,010 [HORN] -You got it. 239 00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:15,970 [FALLING NOISE] 240 00:13:21,370 --> 00:13:23,380 Greg and I worked together for the last two years 241 00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:24,500 on construction. 242 00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,570 Now, this-- this construction site 243 00:13:26,570 --> 00:13:27,920 was definitely run by the mob. 244 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,500 I mean, it was organized crime, you know? 245 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,720 Anyhow, uh, these were rough guys. 246 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:33,840 I mean, really rough. 247 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,150 If they knew I was here right now telling you this stuff, 248 00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:36,950 they-- they'd kill me. 249 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,490 And they wouldn't think twice about it. 250 00:13:39,490 --> 00:13:41,830 Now first, let me make something clear. 251 00:13:41,830 --> 00:13:44,080 Greg didn't know anything about the mob. 252 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,430 Greg didn't know anything. 253 00:13:45,430 --> 00:13:48,170 Christ, we had to put a label on his hammer. 254 00:13:48,170 --> 00:13:49,870 Anyhow, every morning at 9 o'clock 255 00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:53,710 sharp, this bag-man-- uh-- Vinny Tanucci, he shows up. 256 00:13:53,710 --> 00:13:55,390 And he goes to our foreman, right? 257 00:13:55,390 --> 00:13:57,090 Now, I never heard anything that they said. 258 00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:58,070 But, uh-- [DOOR OPENING] 259 00:13:58,070 --> 00:13:59,690 --there was always passing-- DELIVERY GUY: All right. 260 00:13:59,690 --> 00:14:00,490 Deli delivery. 261 00:14:00,490 --> 00:14:01,730 Who gets the turkey sandwich? 262 00:14:01,730 --> 00:14:02,530 [SQUAKING] 263 00:14:02,530 --> 00:14:04,770 Hey, I-- I got anoth-- I got another run. [INAUDIBLE] 264 00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:05,960 And Joey Clamento was there and-- 265 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,360 DIRECTOR: Hey, kiddo, watch that-- 266 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,570 get away from the lights. [SMASHING SOUND] 267 00:14:08,570 --> 00:14:09,490 Anyway-- DIRECTOR: Watch the lights! 268 00:14:09,490 --> 00:14:10,300 Hey, wait a minute! 269 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,590 You told me there wasn't going to be no lights! 270 00:14:11,590 --> 00:14:12,390 Come on. 271 00:14:12,390 --> 00:14:13,540 [GUNFIRE] 272 00:14:14,890 --> 00:14:16,910 MAN (ON INTERCOM): --are there to stop shopping cart theft. 273 00:14:16,910 --> 00:14:20,040 They are there for your convenience. 274 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,080 The metal poles outside the supermarket 275 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,460 are there to stop shopping cart theft. 276 00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:26,730 They are there for your convenience. 277 00:14:26,730 --> 00:14:29,160 MAN (ON INTERCOM): --Elu Belictor, Dr. Elu Belictor, 278 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,190 please report to salad surgery. 279 00:14:30,190 --> 00:14:31,440 Dr. Elu Belictor. 280 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:37,430 [MUSIC PLAYING] 281 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,350 Hey, baby. 282 00:14:45,350 --> 00:14:46,840 Take a look, baby. 283 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,770 Take a good look, baby. 284 00:14:48,770 --> 00:14:50,170 [BOWLING BALL ROLLING] 285 00:14:50,170 --> 00:14:51,670 [BOWLING PINS SCATTERING] 286 00:14:51,670 --> 00:14:54,380 Baby, baby, baby, hey! 287 00:14:54,380 --> 00:14:55,180 Ba-- 288 00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:57,370 MAN (ON INTERCOM): Attention editor, attention editor, 289 00:14:57,370 --> 00:15:00,830 will the editor please come to the dentist in aisle 5. 290 00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:01,820 Thank you. 291 00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:04,300 Pardon me. 292 00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,290 [MUSIC PLAYING] 293 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:10,240 [MUSIC PLAYING] 294 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,220 We just ran out at the office. 295 00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:16,000 I've got a root canal in 15 minutes. 296 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,000 Special today, only $1.79. 297 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,500 Also, the pharmacy department special. 298 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,860 For your housewives, it's valium at three for $1. 299 00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:23,990 And the family special, quaaludes, 300 00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:26,990 all-you-can-eat for $3.75. 301 00:15:26,990 --> 00:15:28,990 [BELL RINGING] 302 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,400 WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): Check out lanes 303 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,130 3, 4, and 5 are backed up and-- 304 00:15:34,130 --> 00:15:38,190 You know, Millie, I've been noticing recently, 305 00:15:38,190 --> 00:15:40,760 food just doesn't taste the same any more. 306 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:41,690 I don't know. 307 00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:45,470 It's not as fresh or something. 308 00:15:45,470 --> 00:15:46,580 Maybe I'm wrong. 309 00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:49,430 But I really worry about my family's health. 310 00:15:49,430 --> 00:15:50,970 I mean, all the sugar and chemical 311 00:15:50,970 --> 00:15:52,240 preservatives they're forcing you 312 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,940 to eat cannot be good for you. 313 00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:56,830 No, I guess not, Mrs. Van Waspishes. 314 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:04,980 Do you have anything smaller, Mrs. Van Waspishes? 315 00:16:04,980 --> 00:16:07,040 How about if I fold it in two? 316 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,560 That's a good one, Mrs. Van Waspishes. 317 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,680 [LAUGHS] Thank you. 318 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,640 So long, Millie. 319 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,590 [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 320 00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:19,990 What? 321 00:16:19,990 --> 00:16:22,430 Did you break up this pound of butter? 322 00:16:22,430 --> 00:16:25,500 You sick-- now, go put it back where it belongs. 323 00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:26,700 [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] 324 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,840 (SINGING) to get to aisle six-- 325 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:32,970 No, don't push all right. 326 00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:34,030 -[MOANING] -Come on. 327 00:16:34,030 --> 00:16:35,470 Hang in there. Hang in there. 328 00:16:35,470 --> 00:16:36,360 Did we make it? 329 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:37,260 Will we make it? 330 00:16:37,260 --> 00:16:39,000 What do you mean, no? 331 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,470 [SINGING] 332 00:16:40,470 --> 00:16:42,210 [INTERPOSING VOICES] 333 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,310 MAN (ON INTERCOM): Metal poles outside the supermarket, 334 00:16:45,310 --> 00:16:47,500 are there to stop shopping cart theft. 335 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:50,360 They are there for your convenience. 336 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:51,810 [MUSIC PLAYING] 337 00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:55,630 I greased the old man $1,000 and his kid 338 00:16:55,630 --> 00:16:56,780 five Reggie Jacksons. 339 00:16:56,780 --> 00:16:58,840 BAMBI: Want to party? 340 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,990 Nicki, sweetheart, I told you, they're paying $5,000 a head 341 00:17:01,990 --> 00:17:03,850 for white women in Juarez. 342 00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:04,650 I know, I know. 343 00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:05,650 Last year, we got $6,000. 344 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:06,780 But the peco is surging. 345 00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:08,020 Come on, Teddy, let's party. 346 00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:09,280 LITTLE BILLY: Look, just give the babes to the border, 347 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,240 and I'll take it from there. 348 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,150 BAMBI: Yeah, oh, Teddy! 349 00:17:12,150 --> 00:17:13,870 Uh, excuse me, Bambi. 350 00:17:13,870 --> 00:17:14,670 Would you hold it down? 351 00:17:14,670 --> 00:17:16,700 Some of us are trying to work over here. 352 00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,210 Why don't you grow up? 353 00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:20,140 Don't be a jerk, it's deductable! 354 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:23,630 Beside, name me one 11-year-old that gets sent up on tax fraud. 355 00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:24,560 Am I right? 356 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:25,490 Daddy, Mommy! 357 00:17:25,490 --> 00:17:27,350 Daddy, Mommy! 358 00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:32,760 Bambi, Little Billy, I've got something to tell you. 359 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,170 [RECORD SCREECHING] 360 00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:41,480 Your father's gone crazy. 361 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,720 You remember your father? 362 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,490 Now, I want you to listen very carefully 363 00:17:45,490 --> 00:17:47,240 to what he has to say. 364 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,780 I did. 365 00:17:48,780 --> 00:17:50,990 And it didn't make any sense to me at all. 366 00:17:50,990 --> 00:17:53,990 Maybe you can do better. 367 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:54,930 Greg. 368 00:17:54,930 --> 00:17:58,400 Kids, your mom and I love each other very much. 369 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,200 [WHIMPERING] 370 00:18:00,690 --> 00:18:03,660 Grow up, mister! 371 00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:06,150 Your mom and I have been doing some talking. 372 00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:09,350 And I've got wonderful news for you. 373 00:18:09,350 --> 00:18:11,380 We're going on an adventure. 374 00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:15,290 How would you like to wake up to the sound of chirping birds? 375 00:18:15,290 --> 00:18:18,410 To look out the window and see fields 376 00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:20,470 of wild flowers and clover? 377 00:18:20,470 --> 00:18:21,270 [LOUD MOTOR] 378 00:18:21,270 --> 00:18:22,390 How would you like to drink-- 379 00:18:22,390 --> 00:18:23,190 [SIREN] 380 00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:26,010 --pure fresh air? 381 00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:30,040 And breathe crystal clear water? 382 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,800 What I'm trying to say is that, from now on, you 383 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:36,530 don't have to worry about crime, pollution, junk foods, 384 00:18:36,530 --> 00:18:40,710 loud rock-and-roll music, X-rated movies, or drug pushers 385 00:18:40,710 --> 00:18:41,620 ever again. 386 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:45,000 Kids, we're leaving the city. 387 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,330 And we're moving out to the wilderness! 388 00:18:47,330 --> 00:18:48,310 [WIND BLOWING] 389 00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:51,240 [MUSIC PLAYING] 390 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,850 [MUFFLED SHOUTING] 391 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,030 BOY: Look, a deer. 392 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:37,940 This is great, isn't it? 393 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:51,710 Come on. 394 00:22:51,710 --> 00:22:52,700 Up and out. 395 00:23:01,110 --> 00:23:01,960 Isn't this great? 396 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,350 Just look at those mountains. 397 00:23:03,350 --> 00:23:04,300 Take it all in. 398 00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:05,100 That's it. 399 00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:06,390 Didn't I tell you this? 400 00:23:06,390 --> 00:23:08,140 The great outdoors. 401 00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:09,070 We're here at last. 402 00:23:09,070 --> 00:23:11,470 You got to leave the kids in the car. 403 00:23:11,470 --> 00:23:12,970 Don't lose the ticket. 404 00:23:12,970 --> 00:23:13,960 Pay as you leave. 405 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,450 [RADIO PLAYING] 406 00:23:21,950 --> 00:23:24,370 GREG (VOICEOVER): Our adventure had begun. 407 00:23:24,370 --> 00:23:27,810 I hadn't seen such wild and untamed beauty 408 00:23:27,810 --> 00:23:30,650 since the Gabor sisters sang "Let's Get Physical" on Merv. 409 00:23:42,110 --> 00:23:43,670 It didn't take a genius to see we 410 00:23:43,670 --> 00:23:45,750 needed a roof over our heads, and we all 411 00:23:45,750 --> 00:23:47,310 pitched in to make it happen. 412 00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:56,400 Well, this is the big moment. 413 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,370 What do you think? 414 00:23:57,370 --> 00:23:59,280 Huh? 415 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:00,410 GREG (VOICEOVER): And darned if we 416 00:24:00,410 --> 00:24:03,620 soon didn't have a fine little cabin to show for our efforts. 417 00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:06,270 And a 17 and 3/4 percent floating mortgage, and just 418 00:24:06,270 --> 00:24:07,070 a quarter of it. 419 00:24:13,100 --> 00:24:16,580 There was hard work, but there were also the good times. 420 00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:17,990 Time for fun and relaxation. 421 00:24:17,990 --> 00:24:18,860 [WHISTLE] 422 00:24:18,860 --> 00:24:20,410 Come on, kids! 423 00:24:20,410 --> 00:24:21,520 Greg, come on. It's time to come in. 424 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:22,270 GREG (VOICEOVER): Especially after Mom vacuumed 425 00:24:22,270 --> 00:24:24,520 and chlorinated the lake, and installed that Electric 426 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:25,950 Poolmaster surface cleaner. 427 00:24:31,060 --> 00:24:34,690 I rediscovered something I had forgotten-- animals were 428 00:24:34,690 --> 00:24:38,110 attracted to me, and for some strange and magical reason, 429 00:24:38,110 --> 00:24:40,890 felt no fear when they were around me. 430 00:24:40,890 --> 00:24:43,670 Animals just plain liked me. 431 00:24:43,670 --> 00:24:46,160 [ANIMAL CRIES] 432 00:24:49,170 --> 00:24:51,910 MAN: Mr. Amsterdam, we're trying to find out why the family 433 00:24:51,910 --> 00:24:52,870 moved to the wilderness. 434 00:24:52,870 --> 00:24:54,670 Could you tell us a little bit about, uh-- 435 00:24:54,670 --> 00:24:55,600 Greg? 436 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:56,990 Yes, I remember Greg. 437 00:24:56,990 --> 00:24:59,090 I remember a lot of thing you'd be amazed, little things 438 00:24:59,090 --> 00:25:00,320 that people forget. 439 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,360 Like, uh, how many of us remember that Eleanor 440 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:06,020 Roosevelt had great tits? 441 00:25:06,020 --> 00:25:09,500 Or how many people stopped to realize that if things continue 442 00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:12,040 the way they are, in 10 years from today, 443 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:15,590 Czechoslovakia will still be hard to spell? 444 00:25:15,590 --> 00:25:20,260 Little things, like, uh, the man who walks in the men's room, 445 00:25:20,260 --> 00:25:22,640 and there's a hole in the wall, and there's a little sign 446 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,160 over it, says put your prick in here 447 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,320 and we do for you what your wife does. 448 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:27,420 So he put his prick in there, and 449 00:25:27,420 --> 00:25:29,720 somebody sewed a button on it. 450 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:30,900 BILLY: Back to the Earth? 451 00:25:30,900 --> 00:25:31,900 Bullshit. 452 00:25:31,900 --> 00:25:32,890 Come on. 453 00:25:32,890 --> 00:25:35,390 Selling the house and moving the family out to the wilderness 454 00:25:35,390 --> 00:25:36,820 was my idea. 455 00:25:36,820 --> 00:25:39,090 Look, sweetheart, Look, sweetheart, in the bracket Greg 456 00:25:39,090 --> 00:25:40,630 was in, he couldn't live in the city anymore. 457 00:25:40,630 --> 00:25:42,910 He would have gotten killed in taxes. 458 00:25:42,910 --> 00:25:44,430 Hey, did you see his return last year 459 00:25:44,430 --> 00:25:46,280 before I got a hold of him? 460 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:47,670 It's a joke. 461 00:25:47,670 --> 00:25:49,340 So I sat down with him, and I told 462 00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:51,050 him to move out to the woods. 463 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:52,510 You can appreciate everything. 464 00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:54,390 Trees, possums, the works. 465 00:25:54,390 --> 00:25:56,180 Clarissa, honey, be a doll and get ma coffee. 466 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:57,080 Sweet and light, all right? 467 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,630 Listen, pal, can I ask you if you 468 00:25:58,630 --> 00:25:59,820 happened to noticed if Greg saved 469 00:25:59,820 --> 00:26:01,120 the gas and toll receipts? 470 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:02,240 From LA? 471 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:03,040 OK, right away. 472 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,720 Hang on, will ya, babe? 473 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:06,990 GREG (VOICEOVER): And I'm here to tell 474 00:26:06,990 --> 00:26:10,300 you that old lady mother nature even worked her charms on me. 475 00:26:10,300 --> 00:26:13,310 I was feeling a new vitality-- a vitality 476 00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:15,150 I hadn't felt in years. 477 00:26:15,150 --> 00:26:17,340 The mountains, and all that hard work 478 00:26:17,340 --> 00:26:20,200 brought out something in me, and I loved it. 479 00:26:37,820 --> 00:26:41,120 But unbeknownst to me, there was a strange, unseen watcher 480 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:45,320 in the woods-- a watcher whose very presence would have struck 481 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,590 fear into the heart of any red blooded American male. 482 00:26:55,610 --> 00:26:57,980 But the most rewarding thing for me as a father 483 00:26:57,980 --> 00:27:00,380 was to see how naturally my children adjusted 484 00:27:00,380 --> 00:27:01,360 to life in the wilderness. 485 00:27:49,260 --> 00:27:52,040 You're a big one, aren't you? 486 00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:53,500 [ELEPHANT ROARING] 487 00:27:55,800 --> 00:28:01,670 Well, it was nice to meet you, but I have to be going now. 488 00:28:01,670 --> 00:28:03,160 Have a nice day. 489 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:07,240 Sorry. 490 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:11,740 Mother told me never to go out with circus people. 491 00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:13,900 Besides, who knows where that thing's been? 492 00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:14,700 Check it out. 493 00:28:14,700 --> 00:28:16,390 Check it out. 494 00:28:16,390 --> 00:28:17,550 Check it out. Check it out. 495 00:28:17,550 --> 00:28:18,350 Check it out. 496 00:28:18,350 --> 00:28:20,300 Check it out. 497 00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:21,540 Check it out. 498 00:28:21,540 --> 00:28:22,340 Check it out. 499 00:28:22,340 --> 00:28:23,280 Check it out. 500 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:26,800 Check it out. 501 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,220 Check it out. 502 00:28:29,220 --> 00:28:31,860 Check it out. 503 00:28:31,860 --> 00:28:32,830 Check it out. 504 00:28:41,580 --> 00:28:44,510 Well, the Russian revolution, the whole of Europe 505 00:28:44,510 --> 00:28:45,830 was affected by it. 506 00:28:45,830 --> 00:28:48,790 You know, Lenin, he was living in Switzerland, 507 00:28:48,790 --> 00:28:51,010 so whenever you felt like, you dropped in, 508 00:28:51,010 --> 00:28:54,010 you had coffee and cake for nothing, practically. 509 00:28:54,010 --> 00:28:54,860 For nothing. 510 00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:56,490 In the summer, of course, we went in 511 00:28:56,490 --> 00:28:57,490 for the air conditioning. 512 00:28:57,490 --> 00:29:00,860 So the girl says to the doctor, doctor, 513 00:29:00,860 --> 00:29:03,110 what is a phallic symbol? 514 00:29:03,110 --> 00:29:04,100 He said, you're kidding. 515 00:29:04,100 --> 00:29:06,060 She said no, I don't know, what's a phallic symbol? 516 00:29:06,060 --> 00:29:08,370 He take his pants down, he points to himself, 517 00:29:08,370 --> 00:29:11,170 and he says, you see, that's a phallic symbol. 518 00:29:11,170 --> 00:29:13,420 Oh, she said, just like a cock, only smaller. 519 00:29:13,420 --> 00:29:14,520 MAN: Mr. Amsterdam, what-- 520 00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:24,620 [ROARING] 521 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,120 [BARKING] 522 00:30:07,810 --> 00:30:08,610 Squirt? 523 00:30:08,610 --> 00:30:10,600 Go get help! 524 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,090 [BARKING] 525 00:30:16,070 --> 00:30:18,060 Oh, you're hurt, you poor dear. 526 00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:22,030 All right, OK! 527 00:30:22,030 --> 00:30:23,030 I'm sorry! 528 00:30:26,010 --> 00:30:29,260 Oh, you're hurt, you poor bear. 529 00:30:29,260 --> 00:30:30,460 GREG (VOICEOVER): I guess Bambi just 530 00:30:30,460 --> 00:30:34,130 naturally inherited her helping and healing ways from her mom. 531 00:30:34,130 --> 00:30:35,060 Don't be afraid. 532 00:30:35,060 --> 00:30:36,910 I won't hurt you. 533 00:30:36,910 --> 00:30:38,750 Let me see your pa. 534 00:30:38,750 --> 00:30:39,980 GREG (VOICEOVER): And it wasn't long 535 00:30:39,980 --> 00:30:42,370 before she'd taken that thorn out of the bear's paw, 536 00:30:42,370 --> 00:30:44,130 and found herself a new friend. 537 00:30:58,300 --> 00:31:00,090 Now, I bet that feels better. 538 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,240 I'll bet you're a Capricorn. 539 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,110 How do you like that? 540 00:31:12,110 --> 00:31:13,310 GREG (VOICEOVER): And it was obvious 541 00:31:13,310 --> 00:31:15,440 that that old bear had taken quite a shine 542 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:16,400 to our little girl. 543 00:31:21,420 --> 00:31:23,460 My diagnosis was the daughter was suffering 544 00:31:23,460 --> 00:31:26,250 from a classic case of arthogenetic transference, 545 00:31:26,250 --> 00:31:30,300 and that clearly the pathology lay with the entire family. 546 00:31:30,300 --> 00:31:32,300 I wanted to treat them together. 547 00:31:32,300 --> 00:31:34,590 Take on the whole family's neurosis. 548 00:31:34,590 --> 00:31:36,250 Man [INAUDIBLE], I said. 549 00:31:36,250 --> 00:31:39,960 I'll cure any psychosis, anytime, anyplace, anywhere. 550 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:41,750 I'll meet them at my office, Madison 551 00:31:41,750 --> 00:31:44,870 Square Garden, the Olympic Auditorium, Tokyo, Japan. 552 00:31:44,870 --> 00:31:45,670 Anywhere. 553 00:31:45,670 --> 00:31:46,740 You know what I'm talking about? 554 00:31:46,740 --> 00:31:51,120 I try to tell each person I fix-- Bambi, the daughter, 555 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:53,960 displayed severe confusion in her sexual role 556 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:56,050 model identifications. 557 00:31:56,050 --> 00:31:58,260 The family began to resist my treatment. 558 00:31:58,260 --> 00:31:59,730 I couldn't believe it. 559 00:31:59,730 --> 00:32:02,730 Look, I said, I'll get you on a couch 560 00:32:02,730 --> 00:32:05,860 and reshape your cognitive perceptions so you can't tell 561 00:32:05,860 --> 00:32:07,660 it from your super-ego system. 562 00:32:07,660 --> 00:32:09,800 I'll take the id and put it where the ego is, 563 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,860 and by the time I get through arranging your id and your ego, 564 00:32:11,860 --> 00:32:13,670 you won't know which end is up. 565 00:32:13,670 --> 00:32:15,530 Then if you still haven't stopped supplementing, 566 00:32:15,530 --> 00:32:16,510 I'll print you all a-- 567 00:32:16,510 --> 00:32:18,650 [SHOUTING] 568 00:32:19,450 --> 00:32:20,920 Look! 569 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,880 Look, you pencil-necked geeks! 570 00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:26,310 I was the inter-collegiate psycho-analytic champion, 571 00:32:26,310 --> 00:32:27,780 in the welterweight division. 572 00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:29,740 And I've got the belt here to prove it. 573 00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,760 If I were to take this gold and melt 574 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:32,730 it down, all you [INAUDIBLE]! 575 00:32:35,790 --> 00:32:36,590 Greg? 576 00:32:36,590 --> 00:32:38,230 I thought you might be getting a little hungry. 577 00:32:38,230 --> 00:32:39,940 Oh, thanks, dear. 578 00:32:39,940 --> 00:32:44,240 That looks-- [GULPING] Oh, here come the kids. 579 00:33:06,030 --> 00:33:07,530 (SINGING) We're the Outdoorsters! 580 00:33:07,530 --> 00:33:09,020 The Outdoorsters! 581 00:33:09,020 --> 00:33:11,510 We live in a forest free. 582 00:33:11,510 --> 00:33:14,500 Oh, we tell tall tales and we scale tall trees. 583 00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:18,980 We're the Outdoorsters family. 584 00:33:18,980 --> 00:33:21,990 We're the Outdoorsters, the Outdoorsters. 585 00:33:21,990 --> 00:33:24,490 Living out in the wild. 586 00:33:24,490 --> 00:33:26,990 [SINGING CONTINUES] 587 00:33:45,330 --> 00:33:46,800 GREG (VOICEOVER): In the light of the night, 588 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,750 even the animals' thoughts turn to romance. 589 00:33:49,750 --> 00:33:53,320 And if you listened real hard, you could even hear 590 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,890 their plaintive mating calls. 591 00:33:55,890 --> 00:33:58,250 [ROMANTIC MUSIC] 592 00:34:57,710 --> 00:35:00,160 [ANIMAL CHATTERING] 593 00:35:47,510 --> 00:35:48,310 Uh-oh. 594 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:01,280 Oh, no! 595 00:36:06,610 --> 00:36:08,900 GREG (VOICEOVER): I knew right away that was no animal. 596 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:12,410 It was another human being, and he needed help-- fast. 597 00:36:12,410 --> 00:36:14,380 [BARKING] 598 00:36:15,150 --> 00:36:15,950 Squirt. 599 00:36:15,950 --> 00:36:17,360 Go get help, boy. 600 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:18,540 Squirt. 601 00:36:18,540 --> 00:36:19,610 Squirt? 602 00:36:19,610 --> 00:36:20,410 Squirt? 603 00:36:38,370 --> 00:36:39,450 No, no, no. 604 00:36:39,450 --> 00:36:40,560 I'm a friend. 605 00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:41,710 Friend. 606 00:36:41,710 --> 00:36:42,510 Friend. 607 00:36:45,140 --> 00:36:46,040 Ah! 608 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:47,440 GREG (VOICEOVER): I could see plain as day 609 00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:49,710 that this fella had a broken leg, and maybe 610 00:36:49,710 --> 00:36:52,370 also, a-- a Wounded Knee. 611 00:36:52,370 --> 00:36:54,230 Oh, boy, you're hurt, fella. 612 00:36:54,230 --> 00:36:55,500 GREG (VOICEOVER): The only thing to do 613 00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:57,700 was to drag him back to camp, where we could get 614 00:36:57,700 --> 00:36:59,230 him proper medical attention. 615 00:36:59,230 --> 00:37:00,110 You wait here. 616 00:37:00,110 --> 00:37:02,770 I go get help. 617 00:37:02,770 --> 00:37:03,570 What? 618 00:37:03,570 --> 00:37:05,070 What is it? 619 00:37:05,070 --> 00:37:05,860 Ah! 620 00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:11,760 You're crazy. 621 00:37:15,060 --> 00:37:18,010 Ah! 622 00:37:18,010 --> 00:37:19,360 [GRUNTING] 623 00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:30,010 GREG (VOICEOVER): From his Blue Cross card, 624 00:37:30,010 --> 00:37:33,300 we learned his name was Weejun, a proud brave. 625 00:37:33,300 --> 00:37:35,360 He wanted to thank us for saving his life. 626 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,670 He wanted to teach us about the woods. 627 00:37:37,670 --> 00:37:40,950 He wanted to charge us $125 for a three week mini 628 00:37:40,950 --> 00:37:42,980 course called Wilderness 101. 629 00:37:42,980 --> 00:37:44,710 He showed us the woods, and the wild, 630 00:37:44,710 --> 00:37:48,340 dangerous, and unpredictable animals who call it their home. 631 00:37:48,340 --> 00:37:50,840 [SHOUTING] 632 00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:58,170 GREG (VOICEOVER): He also taught us 633 00:37:58,170 --> 00:38:00,620 about how the Indians, the children of the wilderness, 634 00:38:00,620 --> 00:38:02,230 entrap their prey. 635 00:38:02,230 --> 00:38:05,090 This is just a small token of our thanks. 636 00:38:05,090 --> 00:38:08,120 And there's more where that came from. 637 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:10,140 Just remember us on the hill. 638 00:38:10,140 --> 00:38:11,620 [SIREN] 639 00:38:11,620 --> 00:38:13,610 NARRATOR: This is only a test. 640 00:38:13,610 --> 00:38:17,000 Repeat, this is only a test. 641 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,830 We interrupt this movie in compliance with the president's 642 00:38:19,830 --> 00:38:21,850 new Nuclear Preparedness Act. 643 00:38:21,850 --> 00:38:24,510 The following rules have been formulated by a government 644 00:38:24,510 --> 00:38:27,010 panel of nuclear experts to give you, 645 00:38:27,010 --> 00:38:29,540 the theatergoer, maximum protection in case 646 00:38:29,540 --> 00:38:32,260 of an all out nuclear war. 647 00:38:32,260 --> 00:38:35,930 Note-- in the event of an actual nuclear blast, 648 00:38:35,930 --> 00:38:39,080 the film is likely to seem out of focus for a few minutes. 649 00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:42,900 Please, bear with us. 650 00:38:42,900 --> 00:38:47,080 Rule number one-- choose an aisle captain. 651 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,670 Send him to the basement of this theater, where he will find 652 00:38:49,670 --> 00:38:51,770 emergency medical supplies, water, 653 00:38:51,770 --> 00:38:55,660 and drums of dehydrated Raisinettes and Jujubes. 654 00:38:55,660 --> 00:38:59,220 Two, feel underneath your seat. 655 00:38:59,220 --> 00:39:02,550 You will feel sticky pink and green nodules. 656 00:39:02,550 --> 00:39:05,230 These nodules should inflate at first detection 657 00:39:05,230 --> 00:39:06,900 of lethal radiation. 658 00:39:06,900 --> 00:39:08,840 They will form a long lasting sugar 659 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,040 filled survival bubble, protecting 660 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,590 both you and your family. 661 00:39:13,590 --> 00:39:17,460 Three, retain your ticket stub. 662 00:39:17,460 --> 00:39:21,910 Four, observe smoking, no smoking sections. 663 00:39:21,910 --> 00:39:25,060 If your skin or clothing begins to burn, please, 664 00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:27,420 be considerate of others. 665 00:39:27,420 --> 00:39:30,840 And finally, five-- do not panic. 666 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:37,910 Remember, a calm and cooperative attitude 667 00:39:37,910 --> 00:39:40,440 is your best defense against a 40 million 668 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:43,380 ton killer blast of radioactive explosives. 669 00:39:49,140 --> 00:39:51,240 GREG (VOICEOVER): And he showed us the delicate and patient art 670 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:53,930 of Indian fishing-- catching fish with your hands, 671 00:39:53,930 --> 00:39:55,870 without the use of rod and reel, or bait. 672 00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:09,320 I got one! 673 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:10,310 I got a fish! 674 00:40:10,310 --> 00:40:11,110 Whoa! 675 00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:18,280 Where's Billy? 676 00:40:23,950 --> 00:40:24,950 Look! There he is! 677 00:40:24,950 --> 00:40:25,750 Look! 678 00:40:25,750 --> 00:40:26,550 Look! 679 00:40:34,790 --> 00:40:37,790 GREG (VOICEOVER): Two minds reaching across the centuries, 680 00:40:37,790 --> 00:40:40,320 across totally different cultures, 681 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:46,080 trying to share, striving to communicate, against all odds. 682 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,080 Wa wa. 683 00:40:55,370 --> 00:40:56,170 Winnebago. 684 00:41:02,810 --> 00:41:05,210 Gee, I wish we spoke Kaopetate. 685 00:41:05,210 --> 00:41:07,290 He knows so much about the woods. 686 00:41:07,290 --> 00:41:09,500 There's so much we could learn. 687 00:41:09,500 --> 00:41:11,280 What your friend Weejun is trying to say 688 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:13,570 is that in nature, as in life itself, 689 00:41:13,570 --> 00:41:15,960 there's a natural bonding process. 690 00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:18,450 Science tells us that different animals enjoy 691 00:41:18,450 --> 00:41:20,840 each other's company, and the social settings, 692 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:22,430 like the old neighborhood watering 693 00:41:22,430 --> 00:41:25,570 hole or a nearby field, are ideal settings 694 00:41:25,570 --> 00:41:26,880 for their frolicking. 695 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,930 And this inter-species teasing and game playing 696 00:41:29,930 --> 00:41:32,130 is just one more example of the harmony 697 00:41:32,130 --> 00:41:36,860 we humans can learn from the animal world. 698 00:41:36,860 --> 00:41:39,050 But also, there is the other side. 699 00:41:39,050 --> 00:41:41,590 There is a strict hierarchy in the wild, 700 00:41:41,590 --> 00:41:44,950 and not all creatures are lucky enough to survive the ruthless 701 00:41:44,950 --> 00:41:46,870 life and death struggles. 702 00:41:46,870 --> 00:41:51,250 Violence flexes its ugly muscles all too often in the wild. 703 00:41:51,250 --> 00:41:52,870 Those animals didn't fare too well 704 00:41:52,870 --> 00:41:54,620 from that violent encounter. 705 00:41:54,620 --> 00:41:56,460 But how about that watch? 706 00:41:56,460 --> 00:41:58,440 Well, unbeknownst to the animals, 707 00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:01,990 we had this watch strapped to one of their paws. 708 00:42:01,990 --> 00:42:03,410 Still ticking. 709 00:42:03,410 --> 00:42:05,320 Amazing, isn't it? 710 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:09,270 Those may be ordinary animals, but that's no ordinary watch. 711 00:42:09,270 --> 00:42:11,460 The pigeon was blasted, but not the watch. 712 00:42:11,460 --> 00:42:12,520 It always survives. 713 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,530 In fact, it's been tested around the globe, 714 00:42:14,530 --> 00:42:16,530 and many of those tests are exciting. 715 00:42:16,530 --> 00:42:19,120 On the fist of a diver off the cliff in Acapulco. 716 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:21,930 On the pontoon of a seaplane landing in the waves. 717 00:42:21,930 --> 00:42:25,040 On the tip of a ski in the snow covered mountains to the west. 718 00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:28,490 On a clay pigeon blasted by a-- 719 00:42:28,490 --> 00:42:30,990 [RADIO CHATTER] 720 00:42:33,420 --> 00:42:34,720 GREG (VOICEOVER): We were like tourists 721 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:41,420 in a foreign land-- sightseers, and Weejun was our guide. 722 00:42:41,420 --> 00:42:44,410 [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] 723 00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:52,660 GREG (VOICEOVER): Then there were the birds and the bees. 724 00:42:52,660 --> 00:42:53,860 Weejun surprised us. 725 00:42:53,860 --> 00:42:59,690 Like Barb and I, he had a mature and open attitude about s-- s-- 726 00:42:59,690 --> 00:43:02,570 S-E-X. And we learned that although there were 727 00:43:02,570 --> 00:43:05,700 many differences between Weejun's culture and our own, 728 00:43:05,700 --> 00:43:09,090 we had similar views about sexuality and, uh, prejudice. 729 00:43:12,820 --> 00:43:14,440 Oh, well I love scuba diving. 730 00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:17,240 As a matter of fact, I was diving in Bermuda not long ago. 731 00:43:17,240 --> 00:43:18,040 Really? 732 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:19,000 Yeah. 733 00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:20,520 50 feet under the water. 734 00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:23,750 Me, swimming around, my outfit with the oxygen tank. 735 00:43:23,750 --> 00:43:26,810 I ran into a friend of mine, also 50 feet under the water, 736 00:43:26,810 --> 00:43:28,980 had no scuba diving equipment on at all. 737 00:43:28,980 --> 00:43:31,380 I said, Sam, my god, what are you doing 738 00:43:31,380 --> 00:43:32,940 down here 50 feet under the water 739 00:43:32,940 --> 00:43:34,790 without scuba diving equipment? 740 00:43:34,790 --> 00:43:36,800 He said, schmuck, I'm drowning. 741 00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:38,120 GREG (VOICEOVER): Even at night, Weejun 742 00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,400 took us out into the wild. 743 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:45,880 MAN: Jesus. 744 00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:47,290 Oh, hey! Get out of here. 745 00:43:47,290 --> 00:43:48,090 Sorry. 746 00:43:48,090 --> 00:43:48,960 Excuse me. 747 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,210 What's going on up there? 748 00:43:50,210 --> 00:43:51,610 It's a stag film. 749 00:43:51,610 --> 00:43:53,010 Hey, yo, down in front. 750 00:44:01,070 --> 00:44:03,190 Kind of makes you want to do something, huh? 751 00:44:03,190 --> 00:44:04,180 Yes, it does. 752 00:44:06,790 --> 00:44:09,380 Well? 753 00:44:09,380 --> 00:44:10,900 What are you waiting for? 754 00:44:10,900 --> 00:44:14,830 You hunk a buck, you. 755 00:44:14,830 --> 00:44:16,410 Hey, get out of the way. 756 00:44:16,410 --> 00:44:17,800 Get out of the way! 757 00:44:20,650 --> 00:44:21,950 GREG (VOICEOVER): And finally, we learn 758 00:44:21,950 --> 00:44:25,840 how Weejun's people grew food. 759 00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:28,660 Hey, this looks like corn. 760 00:44:28,660 --> 00:44:31,490 What do you call it? 761 00:44:31,490 --> 00:44:32,290 Maize. 762 00:44:49,300 --> 00:44:50,990 Get your souvenirs right here. 763 00:44:50,990 --> 00:44:52,820 Willie Mays, right here. 764 00:44:52,820 --> 00:44:54,750 Right here. 765 00:44:54,750 --> 00:44:55,590 Hey, hey. 766 00:44:55,590 --> 00:44:57,260 Keep up the good, little Billy. 767 00:44:57,260 --> 00:44:58,460 All right, Willie. 768 00:44:58,460 --> 00:44:59,260 Souvenirs, right here. 769 00:44:59,260 --> 00:45:00,530 Willie Mays, souvenirs. 770 00:45:04,530 --> 00:45:06,130 Not that way. This way. 771 00:45:06,130 --> 00:45:07,060 Come on, let's go this way. 772 00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:15,790 GREG (VOICEOVER): Weejun had an uncanny sense of direction. 773 00:45:15,790 --> 00:45:17,910 Even though little Billy was skeptical, 774 00:45:17,910 --> 00:45:20,540 Weejun explained that an Indian has about as much chance 775 00:45:20,540 --> 00:45:24,350 of getting lost in the woods as a fish forgetting how to swim. 776 00:45:24,350 --> 00:45:25,460 Not that way. 777 00:45:25,460 --> 00:45:26,260 This way. 778 00:45:26,260 --> 00:45:27,330 Come on, let's go this way. 779 00:45:31,390 --> 00:45:33,960 Asshole. 780 00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:35,370 [BEEPING] 781 00:45:35,370 --> 00:45:36,940 BILLY (OVER LOUDSPEAKER): Lost in the woods? 782 00:45:36,940 --> 00:45:37,780 Tired? 783 00:45:37,780 --> 00:45:39,070 Hungry? 784 00:45:39,070 --> 00:45:40,310 Wandering aimlessly for hours through 785 00:45:40,310 --> 00:45:41,470 hostile, uncharted terrain? 786 00:45:41,470 --> 00:45:43,910 Well, Little Billy's Survival Corporation 787 00:45:43,910 --> 00:45:45,190 is here to help you. 788 00:45:45,190 --> 00:45:48,720 How much would you expect to pay for a rescue service? $10? 789 00:45:48,720 --> 00:45:49,650 $20? 790 00:45:49,650 --> 00:45:51,050 $50? 791 00:45:51,050 --> 00:45:53,140 For a limited time only, like until it gets dark, 792 00:45:53,140 --> 00:45:56,610 and the meat eaters come out, little Billy offers you rescue 793 00:45:56,610 --> 00:45:59,580 at an unbelievably low $0.25. 794 00:45:59,580 --> 00:46:02,050 That's right, for one thin quarter you'll be rescued 795 00:46:02,050 --> 00:46:03,200 and guided to your doorstep. 796 00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:04,160 Lost in the woods? 797 00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:06,160 Put your faith in some asshole who couldn't find his way out 798 00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:07,250 of a telephone booth? 799 00:46:07,250 --> 00:46:08,050 Tired? 800 00:46:08,050 --> 00:46:08,990 Hungry? 801 00:46:08,990 --> 00:46:13,910 Wandering aimlessly for hours through hostile-- 802 00:46:13,910 --> 00:46:16,220 [MUSIC PLAYING] 803 00:46:19,770 --> 00:46:20,570 Yes! 804 00:46:20,570 --> 00:46:21,370 Yes! 805 00:46:33,900 --> 00:46:35,300 BILL: I can't get those Icecapades 806 00:46:35,300 --> 00:46:36,100 tickets you asked for. 807 00:46:36,100 --> 00:46:36,900 Wrong line? 808 00:46:36,900 --> 00:46:38,070 This is Bill? 809 00:46:38,070 --> 00:46:39,570 Hang on, OK, babe? 810 00:46:43,650 --> 00:46:44,820 GREG (VOICEOVER): I must admit, Mom 811 00:46:44,820 --> 00:46:47,020 and I were real proud of the way our little Billy was 812 00:46:47,020 --> 00:46:49,580 adapting to wilderness life. 813 00:46:49,580 --> 00:46:52,100 He almost seemed like a new person-- relaxed 814 00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:54,240 and more content than we had seen him at any time 815 00:46:54,240 --> 00:46:56,190 since gold hit $800 an ounce. 816 00:47:00,180 --> 00:47:02,460 MAN (VOICEOVER): Dear Mr. Little Billy, the Environmental 817 00:47:02,460 --> 00:47:05,420 Protection Agency regrets to inform you that your request 818 00:47:05,420 --> 00:47:09,150 to pave over 125,000 acres of natural forest land 819 00:47:09,150 --> 00:47:09,950 has been denied. 820 00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:28,370 However, we are anticipating the quick passage 821 00:47:28,370 --> 00:47:31,150 of the president's new National Wildlife 822 00:47:31,150 --> 00:47:34,240 and Resources Preservation Act, at which time 823 00:47:34,240 --> 00:47:37,860 we would be happy to work with you in paving over this area. 824 00:47:37,860 --> 00:47:40,920 Until then, I remain sincerely-- whoa! 825 00:48:19,620 --> 00:48:20,600 Oh my gosh. 826 00:48:23,550 --> 00:48:24,530 Squirt, go get help! 827 00:48:24,530 --> 00:48:25,510 Get help! 828 00:48:29,510 --> 00:48:30,510 Watch out! 829 00:48:34,470 --> 00:48:35,460 You can take him. 830 00:48:35,460 --> 00:48:36,440 He can take him! 831 00:48:43,350 --> 00:48:44,350 Pin his tail! 832 00:48:44,350 --> 00:48:45,150 Pin his tail! 833 00:48:48,350 --> 00:48:49,950 Squirt, you brought help! 834 00:48:49,950 --> 00:48:50,780 Quit, dog! 835 00:48:50,780 --> 00:48:51,580 Quit! 836 00:48:51,580 --> 00:48:53,080 Are you crazy, honey? 837 00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:56,020 Now, I do floors, and I do laundry. 838 00:48:56,020 --> 00:48:58,610 I cleans kitchens, and I do ironing, 839 00:48:58,610 --> 00:49:02,320 but I positively draw the line at cougars. 840 00:49:05,210 --> 00:49:08,530 I told the agency, I don't do no cougars. 841 00:49:08,530 --> 00:49:11,750 Now I need car fare, and who's going to drive me to the bus? 842 00:49:23,120 --> 00:49:24,080 Watch out for his teeth! 843 00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:26,000 Rip his hair out! 844 00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:26,940 Come on, Weej. 845 00:49:26,940 --> 00:49:28,920 Get down. 846 00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:31,180 NARRATOR: The Legion of Decency and the United Citizens 847 00:49:31,180 --> 00:49:32,670 for a Better Tomorrow have determined 848 00:49:32,670 --> 00:49:35,460 that continuous exposure to films of this nature 849 00:49:35,460 --> 00:49:37,980 may be hazardous to your health. 850 00:49:37,980 --> 00:49:41,630 We request you stay in your seats and bear with us. 851 00:49:44,630 --> 00:49:47,130 [MUSIC PLAYING] 852 00:50:19,460 --> 00:50:21,920 [APPLAUSE] 853 00:50:40,650 --> 00:50:44,570 NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, Watergate celebrity, 854 00:50:44,570 --> 00:50:45,370 Mr. G. Gordon Liddy. 855 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:51,070 You know, the human will is an amazing power. 856 00:50:51,070 --> 00:50:52,970 Cities have been built, mountains 857 00:50:52,970 --> 00:50:55,240 moved-- the entire course of history 858 00:50:55,240 --> 00:50:58,410 has been changed through sheer will. 859 00:50:58,410 --> 00:51:02,240 But there are some things that even will is powerless against. 860 00:51:02,240 --> 00:51:05,830 For some unfortunate people, all of them in the world 861 00:51:05,830 --> 00:51:08,400 can't make them like everyone else. 862 00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:10,280 I'd like to talk to you about a disease 863 00:51:10,280 --> 00:51:15,790 that can strike anyone, of any age, at any time, any place. 864 00:51:15,790 --> 00:51:18,300 This year I've been asked to co-chair 865 00:51:18,300 --> 00:51:20,770 the fund-raising drive for the Society 866 00:51:20,770 --> 00:51:24,170 for the Prevention of Jerry Lewis. 867 00:51:24,170 --> 00:51:26,520 Most of you are probably thinking, Jerry Lewis? 868 00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:29,240 I thought they cured that years ago. 869 00:51:29,240 --> 00:51:33,480 But the sad truth is Jerry Lewis was never completely wiped out. 870 00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:36,150 He's been neglected for years, and the disease 871 00:51:36,150 --> 00:51:38,880 is spreading again. 872 00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:41,750 Complacency and ignorance are our biggest enemies. 873 00:51:45,330 --> 00:51:48,190 In the early stages of JL simplex, 874 00:51:48,190 --> 00:51:51,260 the stricken laugh at old Jerry Lewis movies. 875 00:51:51,260 --> 00:51:54,000 Soon its victims are spending the entire Labor Day weekend 876 00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:56,880 in front of the television, watching the telethon-- 877 00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,380 helpless, unable to sleep. 878 00:51:59,380 --> 00:52:01,890 Too scared they're going to miss the part where Jerry cries. 879 00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:07,190 It's not a very pretty thought, is it? 880 00:52:07,190 --> 00:52:11,790 Worse, left untreated, the latter stages of JL simplex 881 00:52:11,790 --> 00:52:13,640 can become much, much more serious. 882 00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:22,220 I didn't mean to drive the whole truck on your foot, 883 00:52:22,220 --> 00:52:23,600 because that's why I was going that way. 884 00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:27,020 I'll tell ya-- no, I'm not going anywhere. 885 00:52:27,020 --> 00:52:28,160 Come on. 886 00:52:28,160 --> 00:52:28,960 Jerry. 887 00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:29,760 Jerry. 888 00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:31,840 Yeah, I'm not Dave. 889 00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:33,540 Please, give me my kids. 890 00:52:33,540 --> 00:52:34,340 Please. 891 00:52:39,770 --> 00:52:41,790 Hey! 892 00:52:41,790 --> 00:52:42,650 Frock inspector. 893 00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:48,330 [INAUDIBLE] 894 00:52:48,330 --> 00:52:49,160 For you, Miss Harvey. 895 00:52:53,060 --> 00:52:54,150 Hey, buddy, look-- 896 00:52:54,150 --> 00:52:57,390 Most important thing is, Miss Purdy, to like yourself. 897 00:52:57,390 --> 00:52:59,340 That's what's most important. 898 00:52:59,340 --> 00:53:03,170 Right now there is no known cure for this awful condition. 899 00:53:03,170 --> 00:53:05,440 It could strike you-- even your children. 900 00:53:08,410 --> 00:53:10,580 We need money for research. 901 00:53:10,580 --> 00:53:13,360 We've got to stay ahead of the Russians, 902 00:53:13,360 --> 00:53:17,920 so please, when the ushers come down the aisle, 903 00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:20,590 please give generously. 904 00:53:20,590 --> 00:53:23,630 Give till it hurts. 905 00:53:23,630 --> 00:53:26,170 Give before it's too late. 906 00:53:26,170 --> 00:53:27,620 We've already lost France. 907 00:53:30,430 --> 00:53:31,350 [BELL RINGING] 908 00:53:38,540 --> 00:53:41,820 NARRATOR: Old prejudices die hard. 909 00:53:41,820 --> 00:53:43,750 Cancer-- say it. 910 00:53:43,750 --> 00:53:46,320 It won't bite you. 911 00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:51,500 After all, isn't cancer just another way of saying growth? 912 00:53:51,500 --> 00:53:55,760 And isn't growth what America is all about? 913 00:53:55,760 --> 00:53:57,460 GREG (VOICEOVER): A message in the public interest, 914 00:53:57,460 --> 00:53:59,270 funded by the National Tobacco Institute, 915 00:53:59,270 --> 00:54:01,640 Asbestos Growers of America, People For PCB, 916 00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:04,010 microwave manufacturers, the Diet Soda institute, 917 00:54:04,010 --> 00:54:06,090 the Brotherhood of Bacon Curers, the Nondairy Creamer 918 00:54:06,090 --> 00:54:07,960 Association, Friends of Red Dye #2, 919 00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:11,550 the State of New Jersey Oral Contraceptive League-- 920 00:54:11,550 --> 00:54:12,540 [BELL RINGING] 921 00:54:32,530 --> 00:54:33,330 Whoa. 922 00:55:06,030 --> 00:55:07,220 Oh, yes! Oui! 923 00:55:07,220 --> 00:55:08,020 Oui! 924 00:55:20,950 --> 00:55:21,920 Hello, Chicago? 925 00:55:21,920 --> 00:55:22,890 That's right. 926 00:55:22,890 --> 00:55:25,190 I want 5 to 1 on the cougar, and make it a C note. 927 00:55:28,390 --> 00:55:29,490 Hiya! 928 00:55:29,490 --> 00:55:30,490 Hold all bets. 929 00:55:33,070 --> 00:55:34,150 Get him! He's a wimp! 930 00:55:34,150 --> 00:55:34,950 He's a wimp! 931 00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:39,720 No! 932 00:55:39,720 --> 00:55:40,860 No, Squirt! 933 00:55:40,860 --> 00:55:41,660 Shh! 934 00:55:46,440 --> 00:55:48,070 Squirt, come back! 935 00:55:48,070 --> 00:55:49,270 Squirt, come back. 936 00:55:54,300 --> 00:55:55,300 Hey, Squirt. 937 00:55:55,300 --> 00:55:56,100 Come back. 938 00:56:10,150 --> 00:56:12,530 GREG (VOICEOVER): It was a close call, but luckily both little 939 00:56:12,530 --> 00:56:16,070 Billy and Weejun had escaped that brush with death. 940 00:56:16,070 --> 00:56:18,420 As for the cougar, we were sure he'd learned his lesson, 941 00:56:18,420 --> 00:56:20,930 and wouldn't soon mess with us again. 942 00:56:20,930 --> 00:56:23,310 Needless to say, the family took brave little Squirt's 943 00:56:23,310 --> 00:56:27,030 disappearance very hard. 944 00:56:27,030 --> 00:56:29,490 And in the months that followed, we searched fruitlessly 945 00:56:29,490 --> 00:56:32,920 for our furry little friend. 946 00:56:32,920 --> 00:56:35,650 And after a while, even little Billy gave up. 947 00:56:35,650 --> 00:56:37,580 He would never again believe in miracles. 948 00:56:48,510 --> 00:56:51,850 We learned that all wounds heal with time. 949 00:56:51,850 --> 00:56:55,820 That life must go on, and that if you break it, you bought it. 950 00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,580 Spring came, and with it new hope. 951 00:57:07,750 --> 00:57:13,260 For Bambi, it would be that special spring-- 952 00:57:13,260 --> 00:57:15,970 that spring that must happen in every young girl's life. 953 00:58:29,050 --> 00:58:30,540 Oh, really? 954 00:58:30,540 --> 00:58:31,540 Oh! 955 00:58:31,540 --> 00:58:34,020 Oh. 956 00:58:34,020 --> 00:58:35,020 Oh, really? 957 00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:47,440 16, 17, 18. 958 00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:49,520 God, I've got cramps already. 959 00:58:49,520 --> 00:58:53,810 You don't-- you're not a woman. 960 00:58:53,810 --> 00:58:56,070 I hope you won't tell anyone. 961 00:58:56,070 --> 00:58:58,360 I have my reputation to look after, you know? 962 00:59:02,640 --> 00:59:03,590 [KNOCKING] 963 00:59:11,580 --> 00:59:13,990 [ANIMAL CRIES] 964 00:59:30,290 --> 00:59:32,100 You're supposed to be a classy hotel. 965 00:59:32,100 --> 00:59:32,900 Mr. Amsterdam-- 966 00:59:32,900 --> 00:59:34,640 I got upstairs, and I called down the clerk, 967 00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,760 I said, hey, I got a leak in the sink. 968 00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:37,790 He says, go right ahead. 969 00:59:37,790 --> 00:59:39,040 The customer's always right. 970 00:59:39,040 --> 00:59:40,440 Talk-- what about Greg? 971 00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:42,220 But I guess everything worked out all right. 972 00:59:42,220 --> 00:59:43,020 The family in the-- 973 00:59:43,020 --> 00:59:44,140 40 years we've been married. 974 00:59:44,140 --> 00:59:46,500 She laughs at everything I do. 975 00:59:46,500 --> 00:59:48,000 I guess that's why we only have two children. 976 00:59:55,950 --> 00:59:59,330 GREG (VOICEOVER): Mom had been putting her time to good use. 977 00:59:59,330 --> 01:00:02,000 She started to grow organic food every bit as good 978 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:03,560 as the food she used to buy in the city. 979 01:00:22,230 --> 01:00:23,220 Hi, Weejun! 980 01:00:31,650 --> 01:00:33,740 GREG (VOICEOVER): Weejun's leg had healed pretty good by now, 981 01:00:33,740 --> 01:00:37,810 and sadly, the time had come for him to go back to his people. 982 01:00:41,010 --> 01:00:45,200 Weejun began to prepare a special ceremonial dinner. 983 01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:47,600 It was touching to see how much Weejun 984 01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:49,330 meant to the local animals, as they 985 01:00:49,330 --> 01:00:50,810 came by to say their goodbyes. 986 01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:09,790 Soup's on. 987 01:01:09,790 --> 01:01:10,720 Come and get it. 988 01:01:25,810 --> 01:01:27,410 You may say grace tonight, Bambi. 989 01:01:30,030 --> 01:01:33,170 Thank you for the birds and the trees. 990 01:01:33,170 --> 01:01:35,750 Thank you for the honey bees. 991 01:01:35,750 --> 01:01:38,530 Thank you for the marshy bogs. 992 01:01:38,530 --> 01:01:42,070 Thank you for soft, hollow logs. 993 01:01:42,070 --> 01:01:45,280 Thanks for furry hugs so tight. 994 01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:49,030 Thanks for grizzly claws at night. 995 01:01:49,030 --> 01:01:53,690 Thanks for giving me the luck-- I finally found a bear to-- 996 01:01:53,690 --> 01:01:56,300 Uh, that's fine, Bambi. 997 01:01:56,300 --> 01:01:59,130 Fine. 998 01:01:59,130 --> 01:02:01,920 Uh, Weejun has asked us to join him in a toast tonight of his, 999 01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:04,720 uh, tribe's ritual potion. 1000 01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:05,600 [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] 1001 01:02:08,950 --> 01:02:10,320 We are here to pay tribute tonight 1002 01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:16,180 to a truly remarkable, unwashed red man we like to call Weejun. 1003 01:02:16,180 --> 01:02:17,620 [APPLAUSE] 1004 01:02:18,570 --> 01:02:19,550 Hey, Weejun, buddy. 1005 01:02:19,550 --> 01:02:21,830 Glad you could make it. 1006 01:02:21,830 --> 01:02:23,420 I'd like now the opportunity to turn 1007 01:02:23,420 --> 01:02:27,500 the dais over to another wonderful, wonderful man. 1008 01:02:27,500 --> 01:02:30,380 A man who's a lover of wild things in his own right. 1009 01:02:30,380 --> 01:02:32,820 A man who needs no introduction, Mr. Myron Cohen! 1010 01:02:38,600 --> 01:02:41,090 [APPLAUSE] 1011 01:02:49,080 --> 01:02:50,130 Thank you very much. 1012 01:02:50,130 --> 01:02:51,320 You're very kind. 1013 01:02:51,320 --> 01:02:54,070 It's great to play the mountains again, 1014 01:02:54,070 --> 01:02:57,050 but tonight we're here to honor Weejun. 1015 01:02:57,050 --> 01:02:57,850 Hey, Weejun. 1016 01:02:57,850 --> 01:02:59,190 How are ya? 1017 01:02:59,190 --> 01:03:01,530 Or should I say, how? 1018 01:03:01,530 --> 01:03:04,970 Hey, you ever sit down and talk to this guy? 1019 01:03:04,970 --> 01:03:06,970 He's the original sitting bull. 1020 01:03:09,940 --> 01:03:12,420 But I want to tell ya, Weejun, we've got 1021 01:03:12,420 --> 01:03:15,730 a fantastic surprise for you. 1022 01:03:15,730 --> 01:03:18,280 Believe me, there are a group of your wonderful friends 1023 01:03:18,280 --> 01:03:21,020 who come out of the woods just once a year to entertain 1024 01:03:21,020 --> 01:03:22,660 you and your guests. 1025 01:03:22,660 --> 01:03:24,850 I want you to meet them, the first Americans. 1026 01:03:27,600 --> 01:03:30,720 (SINGING) A story I remember about 1027 01:03:30,720 --> 01:03:40,700 a little Indian boy who had a bow and arrow as his only toy. 1028 01:03:40,700 --> 01:03:43,690 He was as strong as a beaver-- 1029 01:03:43,690 --> 01:03:45,190 Get down, Weej. 1030 01:03:45,190 --> 01:03:47,180 Wait, Weej. 1031 01:03:47,180 --> 01:03:50,680 (SINGING) But that was long ago. 1032 01:03:50,680 --> 01:03:51,670 Long ago. 1033 01:03:57,160 --> 01:03:58,160 Long ago. 1034 01:04:04,710 --> 01:04:06,200 Weejun? 1035 01:04:06,200 --> 01:04:08,120 He's calling himself Weejun now? 1036 01:04:08,120 --> 01:04:09,500 His name is Eugene. 1037 01:04:09,500 --> 01:04:11,200 He thinks he's a savage? 1038 01:04:11,200 --> 01:04:12,660 I know, I grew up with him. 1039 01:04:12,660 --> 01:04:14,660 The kid's a sissy. 1040 01:04:14,660 --> 01:04:16,340 The most savage thing he ever did was he 1041 01:04:16,340 --> 01:04:18,090 ordered red wine with fish. 1042 01:04:18,090 --> 01:04:20,390 We got this cigar store in the Bronx, you know? 1043 01:04:20,390 --> 01:04:21,890 Family business. 1044 01:04:21,890 --> 01:04:24,560 And, uh, Eugene starts going Indian on me. 1045 01:04:24,560 --> 01:04:28,380 He starts taking, uh, beads and trinkets, and stuff. 1046 01:04:28,380 --> 01:04:31,200 Suddenly money's not good enough anymore. 1047 01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:32,650 So I get this idea. 1048 01:04:32,650 --> 01:04:36,490 I say, uh, listen, go out, pose in front of the store. 1049 01:04:36,490 --> 01:04:39,090 You know, maybe it's good for business. 1050 01:04:39,090 --> 01:04:40,450 He says no. 1051 01:04:40,450 --> 01:04:42,300 He doesn't even say no. 1052 01:04:42,300 --> 01:04:44,240 He grunts. 1053 01:04:44,240 --> 01:04:45,960 Suddenly we're not talking the same language. 1054 01:05:06,780 --> 01:05:40,000 For 1055 01:05:40,000 --> 01:05:41,330 GREG (VOICEOVER): Rising before the rest 1056 01:05:41,330 --> 01:05:44,600 of us, Weejun began his solitary preparation of his tribe's 1057 01:05:44,600 --> 01:05:46,410 ancient ritual of departure. 1058 01:06:10,720 --> 01:06:11,520 Coney Island. 1059 01:06:11,520 --> 01:06:12,320 Jane. 1060 01:06:22,940 --> 01:06:24,440 [SHOUTING] 1061 01:06:25,940 --> 01:06:28,410 [CHANTING] 1062 01:06:51,700 --> 01:06:53,740 Come on, you want spraypaint all over you? 1063 01:06:53,740 --> 01:06:54,730 Hey Weej, so long. 1064 01:06:54,730 --> 01:06:57,670 Come on, smile, or else I'll take a spraypaint can to ya. 1065 01:06:57,670 --> 01:07:00,620 Smile. 1066 01:07:00,620 --> 01:07:02,720 [CHANTING "HOW YA DOING?"] 1067 01:07:06,720 --> 01:07:09,200 [CHANTING "DALAI LAMA"] 1068 01:07:09,200 --> 01:07:11,680 [CHANTING] 1069 01:07:15,140 --> 01:07:17,120 [CHANTING "STOP ALREADY"] 1070 01:07:19,560 --> 01:07:20,510 Oh, yeah. 1071 01:07:20,510 --> 01:07:22,890 There's one thing I forgot to tell ya. 1072 01:07:22,890 --> 01:07:25,160 The cougar's back, and he's pissed! 1073 01:07:33,840 --> 01:07:36,440 It was the easiest thing for the family to lay 1074 01:07:36,440 --> 01:07:40,630 all their problems on Cougie. 1075 01:07:40,630 --> 01:07:43,250 I mean, the cougar. 1076 01:07:43,250 --> 01:07:46,590 To tell you the truth, before I started dating Cougie, 1077 01:07:46,590 --> 01:07:49,120 I'd heard all the stories, too. 1078 01:07:49,120 --> 01:07:51,850 But Cougie ain't like that. 1079 01:07:51,850 --> 01:07:54,410 He's a real gentleman. 1080 01:07:54,410 --> 01:07:56,030 Knows how to treat a lady. 1081 01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:08,520 Anyway, this Indian, Weejun, jumps out of nowhere 1082 01:08:08,520 --> 01:08:11,970 and attacks Cougie with a knife. 1083 01:08:11,970 --> 01:08:16,040 Cougie was asleep at the time. 1084 01:08:16,040 --> 01:08:17,390 Well, maybe he was pacing. 1085 01:08:20,280 --> 01:08:22,420 But he wasn't stalking. 1086 01:08:22,420 --> 01:08:24,370 No way. 1087 01:08:24,370 --> 01:08:28,270 Cougie told me himself, he wasn't stalking. 1088 01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:31,720 Look, he may be a carnivore [INAUDIBLE], 1089 01:08:31,720 --> 01:08:32,980 but he ain't no liar. 1090 01:08:38,300 --> 01:08:42,970 Cougie, if you're watching, maybe 1091 01:08:42,970 --> 01:08:48,300 you could find room in that big heart of yours to forgive me? 1092 01:08:48,300 --> 01:08:50,400 I love you, Cougie. 1093 01:08:50,400 --> 01:08:53,640 And I guess I always will. 1094 01:08:53,640 --> 01:08:55,890 And Cougie? 1095 01:08:55,890 --> 01:09:02,080 I'm really sorry I wore the fur coat that night. 1096 01:09:02,080 --> 01:09:03,860 Please take me back. 1097 01:09:09,310 --> 01:09:11,310 [BLOWING] 1098 01:09:22,770 --> 01:09:24,230 [PHONE RINGING] 1099 01:09:25,190 --> 01:09:26,160 Hoo. 1100 01:09:26,160 --> 01:09:27,610 Hoo? 1101 01:09:27,610 --> 01:09:28,590 [BEEP] 1102 01:09:28,590 --> 01:09:29,960 [BLEATING] 1103 01:09:34,320 --> 01:09:36,740 [SHOUTING] 1104 01:09:43,030 --> 01:09:45,530 The following is a public service announcement. 1105 01:09:45,530 --> 01:09:48,480 Hi, my name is Stanley Seagal O'Matthew. 1106 01:09:48,480 --> 01:09:50,900 Little Timmy Lee, you know, he's never had the advantages 1107 01:09:50,900 --> 01:09:52,490 your son has had. 1108 01:09:52,490 --> 01:09:55,870 He's never heard an oncoming express subway train. 1109 01:09:55,870 --> 01:10:00,270 He's never had a slice of day old, reheated pizza. 1110 01:10:00,270 --> 01:10:02,130 But for boys like Timmy, and you know 1111 01:10:02,130 --> 01:10:04,790 there are literally thousands of them, 1112 01:10:04,790 --> 01:10:06,820 we can change all of that. 1113 01:10:06,820 --> 01:10:10,480 We can send this boy to the city for the summer, 1114 01:10:10,480 --> 01:10:13,410 and give him a chance to play with open fire hydrants. 1115 01:10:13,410 --> 01:10:18,850 Give him a chance to play those real loud, horrible radios 1116 01:10:18,850 --> 01:10:20,140 late at night. 1117 01:10:20,140 --> 01:10:21,440 There's a way to help. 1118 01:10:21,440 --> 01:10:23,050 Thanks very much, Luke. 1119 01:10:23,050 --> 01:10:28,240 Send your money to the Open Hydrant Fund. 1120 01:10:28,240 --> 01:10:30,220 For little Timmy's sake. 1121 01:10:33,200 --> 01:10:36,490 I ain't never seen a transvestite. 1122 01:10:36,490 --> 01:10:37,720 GREG (VOICEOVER): I hate to admit it, 1123 01:10:37,720 --> 01:10:41,320 but I was beginning to sense trouble in paradise. 1124 01:10:41,320 --> 01:10:42,920 The hardship of wilderness living 1125 01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:45,760 had apparently begun to take its toll on my family. 1126 01:10:45,760 --> 01:10:48,410 And what with the disappearance of Squirt, and Weejun's 1127 01:10:48,410 --> 01:10:50,950 leaving-- well, the wife and kids 1128 01:10:50,950 --> 01:10:53,870 just didn't seem to be having as much fun anymore. 1129 01:10:53,870 --> 01:10:55,900 I, of course, knew better. 1130 01:10:55,900 --> 01:10:58,710 This was just a phase they were going through-- a bad storm 1131 01:10:58,710 --> 01:10:59,600 to be weathered. 1132 01:10:59,600 --> 01:11:02,480 A bone in an otherwise perfect turkey dinner. 1133 01:11:02,480 --> 01:11:03,280 MOM (VOICEOVER): What? 1134 01:11:03,280 --> 01:11:05,060 Are you crazy? 1135 01:11:05,060 --> 01:11:06,600 What are you talking about? 1136 01:11:06,600 --> 01:11:09,270 This hasn't been any fun from the beginning. 1137 01:11:09,270 --> 01:11:11,030 We just did it for you. 1138 01:11:11,030 --> 01:11:12,140 BAMBI (VOICEOVER): Wise up, Dad. 1139 01:11:12,140 --> 01:11:15,180 Except for the bear, this woods shit is a drag. 1140 01:11:15,180 --> 01:11:17,600 BILLY (VOICEOVER): Whose kids are you trying to kid, Dad? 1141 01:11:17,600 --> 01:11:19,160 You're just trying to supplement cause 1142 01:11:19,160 --> 01:11:20,610 you can't get it on with Mom. 1143 01:11:20,610 --> 01:11:21,980 GREG (VOICEOVER): Now wait a minute, son. 1144 01:11:21,980 --> 01:11:23,960 That's no way to speak to your father. 1145 01:11:23,960 --> 01:11:26,380 Well, I just think you haven't given it enough time. 1146 01:11:26,380 --> 01:11:29,960 EVERYONE (VOICEOVER): We've been here two years, and we hate it! 1147 01:11:29,960 --> 01:11:31,360 GREG (VOICEOVER): Well, search your hearts 1148 01:11:31,360 --> 01:11:34,760 and give me one honest reason for not trying it a bit longer. 1149 01:11:34,760 --> 01:11:36,850 BILLY (VOICEOVER): What about the, uh, killer cougar? 1150 01:11:40,310 --> 01:11:41,620 GREG (VOICEOVER): Don't be ridiculous. 1151 01:11:41,620 --> 01:11:44,390 That cougar's been taught a lesson already. 1152 01:11:44,390 --> 01:11:45,970 He wouldn't attack us. 1153 01:11:45,970 --> 01:11:47,730 Why should he want to attack us now? 1154 01:11:55,570 --> 01:11:57,770 Look, don't worry about the cougar. 1155 01:11:57,770 --> 01:11:59,170 Forget the cougar. 1156 01:11:59,170 --> 01:12:01,740 No one worry about the cougar. 1157 01:12:14,130 --> 01:12:15,910 Now, I'm still the father around here, 1158 01:12:15,910 --> 01:12:19,490 and I'm just asking you, please, bear with me. 1159 01:12:19,490 --> 01:12:21,790 [EVERYONE OOH-ING] 1160 01:12:23,880 --> 01:12:25,070 GREG (VOICEOVER): Very funny. 1161 01:12:25,070 --> 01:12:27,570 [CRASHING] 1162 01:12:30,470 --> 01:12:31,860 [DOORBELL] 1163 01:12:32,790 --> 01:12:33,720 What was that? 1164 01:12:33,720 --> 01:12:34,890 I don't know. 1165 01:12:34,890 --> 01:12:36,250 [FARTING NOISE] 1166 01:12:37,150 --> 01:12:38,580 Probably just the wind. 1167 01:12:38,580 --> 01:12:40,550 [FARTING NOISE] 1168 01:12:41,770 --> 01:12:43,660 I don't know what it is. 1169 01:12:43,660 --> 01:12:45,580 But let's all pray it's been eating correctly. 1170 01:13:29,550 --> 01:13:31,780 Do you think it'll come back? 1171 01:13:31,780 --> 01:13:33,780 [CRASHING] 1172 01:13:41,950 --> 01:13:43,550 It must be the cougar. 1173 01:13:43,550 --> 01:13:45,810 Quick, we don't have a second to lose. 1174 01:13:45,810 --> 01:13:47,690 Bambi, grab a wet towel, put on your gloves, 1175 01:13:47,690 --> 01:13:48,840 and get under that bed. 1176 01:13:48,840 --> 01:13:52,180 Billy, grab that door, guard that broom, and make it snappy. 1177 01:13:52,180 --> 01:13:54,750 Barb, I want that tit in this hand, and fast. 1178 01:13:54,750 --> 01:13:57,770 Now move it. 1179 01:13:57,770 --> 01:13:59,230 I've got an idea. 1180 01:13:59,230 --> 01:14:00,310 Let's throw out little Billy. 1181 01:14:00,310 --> 01:14:01,680 That'll appease it. 1182 01:14:01,680 --> 01:14:03,260 Get lost, ya puke. 1183 01:14:03,260 --> 01:14:05,060 I bet it's that dumb bear of yours coming 1184 01:14:05,060 --> 01:14:06,350 back for sloppy seconds. 1185 01:14:06,350 --> 01:14:08,290 Oh, yeah? 1186 01:14:08,290 --> 01:14:10,370 Oh, yeah? 1187 01:14:10,370 --> 01:14:13,260 Now, now, kids, we haven't got time. 1188 01:14:13,260 --> 01:14:14,060 Yeah? 1189 01:14:14,060 --> 01:14:14,860 Yeah. 1190 01:14:14,860 --> 01:14:16,380 Oh, yeah! 1191 01:14:16,380 --> 01:14:20,220 We've all got to pull together. 1192 01:14:20,220 --> 01:14:21,720 The cougar! 1193 01:14:21,720 --> 01:14:22,640 The cougar! 1194 01:14:22,640 --> 01:14:23,440 The cougar! 1195 01:14:27,280 --> 01:14:29,210 It's not the cougar. 1196 01:14:29,210 --> 01:14:30,730 Who else would have a motive? 1197 01:14:49,670 --> 01:14:52,040 Who else would have a motive? 1198 01:15:02,210 --> 01:15:03,160 It's our little Squirt! 1199 01:15:03,160 --> 01:15:04,120 Don't shoot! 1200 01:15:04,120 --> 01:15:05,240 You can't kill him! 1201 01:15:05,240 --> 01:15:06,040 Don't shoot! 1202 01:15:06,040 --> 01:15:07,260 Don't shoot! 1203 01:15:07,260 --> 01:15:08,480 But he's not the same dog anymore. 1204 01:15:08,480 --> 01:15:10,200 He's been in the woods too long. 1205 01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,040 He's as wild as that cougar now. 1206 01:15:12,040 --> 01:15:13,230 He's crazed, he's raving. 1207 01:15:13,230 --> 01:15:16,400 He's totally out of control. 1208 01:15:16,400 --> 01:15:17,200 Shoot him! 1209 01:15:17,200 --> 01:15:18,190 Shoot him! 1210 01:15:18,190 --> 01:15:18,990 Waste him! 1211 01:15:18,990 --> 01:15:20,670 Waste the sucker! 1212 01:15:20,670 --> 01:15:23,150 Splatter his brains all over that porch! 1213 01:15:39,060 --> 01:15:41,890 GREG (VOICEOVER): We were lucky to have survived that night. 1214 01:15:41,890 --> 01:15:43,880 We owed our lives to that tranquilizer gun, 1215 01:15:43,880 --> 01:15:46,360 and to the tranquilizer darts I had brought from the city. 1216 01:15:50,080 --> 01:15:51,240 Hey, Squirt. 1217 01:15:51,240 --> 01:15:55,090 It's good to see you feeling like your old self again. 1218 01:15:55,090 --> 01:15:56,080 What do you want, old boy? 1219 01:15:59,410 --> 01:16:00,360 Ah. 1220 01:16:00,360 --> 01:16:01,890 I'll bet you I know. 1221 01:16:01,890 --> 01:16:03,080 I'll get you a treat. 1222 01:16:06,470 --> 01:16:07,740 Here you go, boy. 1223 01:16:11,310 --> 01:16:12,970 I give up, Squirt. 1224 01:16:12,970 --> 01:16:13,970 What do you want? 1225 01:16:19,740 --> 01:16:23,430 GREG (VOICEOVER): It was easy to see what little Squirt wanted. 1226 01:16:23,430 --> 01:16:25,610 And I had more than enough tranquilizer darts 1227 01:16:25,610 --> 01:16:27,010 to keep him high for years. 1228 01:16:33,780 --> 01:16:35,950 As I prepared to give Squirt his dose, 1229 01:16:35,950 --> 01:16:38,680 I couldn't help but think of the awesome power of the gun, 1230 01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:40,500 and those tranq darts. 1231 01:16:40,500 --> 01:16:43,480 Just the knowledge that such a weapon could totally immobilize 1232 01:16:43,480 --> 01:16:47,370 a wild dog, or kill a cougar, or a full breasted American 1233 01:16:47,370 --> 01:16:49,770 female, made my blood run hot. 1234 01:16:49,770 --> 01:16:52,450 One well-placed dart would leave her defenseless, 1235 01:16:52,450 --> 01:16:54,840 helpless, unable to resist. 1236 01:16:54,840 --> 01:16:57,340 It gave me new hope, and there wasn't a court 1237 01:16:57,340 --> 01:16:59,210 in the country that would prosecute a husband 1238 01:16:59,210 --> 01:17:00,440 for trying to get away with-- 1239 01:17:00,440 --> 01:17:02,230 Greg, I've got wonderful news for you. 1240 01:17:02,230 --> 01:17:05,450 We've been talking it over, and we've changed our mind. 1241 01:17:05,450 --> 01:17:07,250 We've decided we like the wilderness. 1242 01:17:07,250 --> 01:17:09,270 And we want to settle here for good. 1243 01:17:17,310 --> 01:17:20,260 Oh, no. 1244 01:17:20,260 --> 01:17:21,770 What's wrong, Dad? 1245 01:17:21,770 --> 01:17:23,510 Greg, what's the matter? 1246 01:17:23,510 --> 01:17:24,440 Greg? 1247 01:17:24,440 --> 01:17:25,240 Get inside. 1248 01:17:25,240 --> 01:17:26,160 Start packing. 1249 01:17:26,160 --> 01:17:27,230 We can't live here anymore. 1250 01:17:27,230 --> 01:17:29,030 We're going back where we came from. 1251 01:17:29,030 --> 01:17:30,470 Right now. -Why? 1252 01:17:30,470 --> 01:17:31,310 What's wrong? 1253 01:17:31,310 --> 01:17:33,300 Greg, what do you mean? 1254 01:17:33,300 --> 01:17:34,100 Greg? 1255 01:17:34,100 --> 01:17:34,900 Look. 1256 01:17:37,550 --> 01:17:39,560 [CITY SOUNDS] 1257 01:17:49,420 --> 01:17:50,800 Are you sure it's absolutely new? 1258 01:17:50,800 --> 01:17:51,770 No. 1259 01:17:51,770 --> 01:17:54,670 It does have a nice view, dear. 1260 01:17:54,670 --> 01:17:56,770 Are they going to put in a bathroom? 1261 01:17:56,770 --> 01:17:58,020 A bathroom? 1262 01:17:58,020 --> 01:17:58,870 What's that? 1263 01:17:58,870 --> 01:18:01,410 Oh, throw a bathroom in. 1264 01:18:01,410 --> 01:18:02,710 [INAUDIBLE] All tile. 1265 01:18:02,710 --> 01:18:03,580 Beautiful. 1266 01:18:03,580 --> 01:18:05,300 Oh, and speaking of my wife-- 1267 01:18:05,300 --> 01:18:06,300 No, don't speak of your wife. 1268 01:18:06,300 --> 01:18:07,860 You know, a lot of guys kid about their wives. 1269 01:18:07,860 --> 01:18:08,660 Not me. 1270 01:18:08,660 --> 01:18:09,800 I've got my wife who's a doll. 1271 01:18:09,800 --> 01:18:10,600 Hey, Mr. Am-- 1272 01:18:10,600 --> 01:18:12,700 Little effeminate, but such a nice girl. 1273 01:18:12,700 --> 01:18:14,550 -We're here to talk about Greg-- -Little things, like-- 1274 01:18:14,550 --> 01:18:15,350 Hey, Amsterdam, listen! 1275 01:18:15,350 --> 01:18:16,620 The morning after we got married, 1276 01:18:16,620 --> 01:18:18,250 she said, sweetheart, I got a confession to make. 1277 01:18:18,250 --> 01:18:20,920 Just keep-- Yeah, get his agent on the phone. 1278 01:18:20,920 --> 01:18:21,930 The guy's a wash up. 1279 01:18:21,930 --> 01:18:23,890 Let's get out of this place, and fast. 1280 01:18:23,890 --> 01:18:24,770 Wait up. 1281 01:18:24,770 --> 01:18:25,570 Come on, Barb. 1282 01:18:25,570 --> 01:18:26,510 Move it. 1283 01:18:26,510 --> 01:18:27,450 Come on, Ma! 1284 01:18:30,260 --> 01:18:33,250 We'd like our car. 1285 01:18:33,250 --> 01:18:36,410 Which car is that? 1286 01:18:36,410 --> 01:18:38,810 The Brown '80 Impala Wagon. 1287 01:18:38,810 --> 01:18:40,920 Have you got the ticket? 1288 01:18:40,920 --> 01:18:41,720 Ticket? 1289 01:18:45,420 --> 01:18:46,220 I don't have the ticket. 1290 01:18:46,220 --> 01:18:47,170 I gave it to you. 1291 01:18:47,170 --> 01:18:48,110 To me? 1292 01:18:48,110 --> 01:18:49,200 You never gave me any ticket. 1293 01:18:53,170 --> 01:18:55,720 Hey, look, we don't have a ticket. 1294 01:18:55,720 --> 01:18:57,190 Hey, don't you remember us? 1295 01:18:57,190 --> 01:18:58,500 No. 1296 01:18:58,500 --> 01:18:59,560 I am sorry. 1297 01:18:59,560 --> 01:19:02,460 No ticket, no car. 1298 01:19:02,460 --> 01:19:05,050 Well, what do we do now? 1299 01:19:05,050 --> 01:19:08,730 RADIO: And coming this fall, it's Greg, Barb, Bambi, Squirt, 1300 01:19:08,730 --> 01:19:12,260 and little Billy van Waspishes in Forever Outdoorsters, 1301 01:19:12,260 --> 01:19:15,090 The Saga Continues. 1302 01:19:15,090 --> 01:19:16,790 Like hell it is! 1303 01:19:16,790 --> 01:19:18,700 RADIO: And all their friends on exciting new adventures. 1304 01:19:18,700 --> 01:19:19,860 You didn't sign a sequel deal, did you? 1305 01:19:19,860 --> 01:19:20,890 RADIO: See them overcome every obstacle. 1306 01:19:20,890 --> 01:19:22,390 Are you kidding? Did you read that script? 1307 01:19:22,390 --> 01:19:23,810 My agent laughed in their faces. 1308 01:19:23,810 --> 01:19:25,830 We haven't even gotten the meeting yet. 1309 01:19:25,830 --> 01:19:28,800 Besides, I just got a continuing gig on a soap for real. 1310 01:19:28,800 --> 01:19:30,830 RADIO: And there's more! 1311 01:19:30,830 --> 01:19:33,520 See Barb and Greg make whoopie under the stars as-- 1312 01:19:33,520 --> 01:19:34,650 I can't do this. 1313 01:19:34,650 --> 01:19:36,870 I'm booked to do Nora and the Dollhouse 1314 01:19:36,870 --> 01:19:38,700 in two weeks at the Melville Dinner Theatre. 1315 01:19:38,700 --> 01:19:40,570 RADIO: Coming next spring, it's the Outdoorsters 1316 01:19:40,570 --> 01:19:41,370 in Outdoorstermania! 1317 01:19:47,370 --> 01:19:49,030 The ticket. 1318 01:19:49,030 --> 01:19:51,070 All right! 1319 01:19:51,070 --> 01:19:53,790 Now we'd like our car. 1320 01:19:53,790 --> 01:19:56,250 Which car was that? 1321 01:19:56,250 --> 01:19:59,240 Brown '80 Impala station wagon! 1322 01:19:59,240 --> 01:20:00,590 All right, all right. 1323 01:20:03,410 --> 01:20:04,800 Don't tip him more than 10%. 1324 01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:06,160 He doesn't deserve it. 1325 01:20:14,940 --> 01:20:17,380 [ENGINE STALLING] 1326 01:20:19,340 --> 01:20:21,330 RADIO: Like I was saying, it's the family 1327 01:20:21,330 --> 01:20:23,630 you love to love, in their exciting new feature 1328 01:20:23,630 --> 01:20:25,540 presentation, Endless Outdoorsters. 1329 01:20:25,540 --> 01:20:28,200 And, coming next spring, it's the Outdoorsters 1330 01:20:28,200 --> 01:20:29,660 in Outdoorstermania. 1331 01:20:29,660 --> 01:20:31,990 The following fall you'll see Beyond the Belly 1332 01:20:31,990 --> 01:20:34,900 of the Outdoorsters, The Ultimate Trip, and two 1333 01:20:34,900 --> 01:20:37,330 years from next Tuesday it's an Outdoorsters first 1334 01:20:37,330 --> 01:20:40,190 when Bebop goes natural in Outdoorster Me Tender. 1335 01:20:40,190 --> 01:20:43,130 I don't suppose you happen to know anything about this? 1336 01:20:43,130 --> 01:20:45,290 RADIO: Of a sensous while, mother nature's 1337 01:20:45,290 --> 01:20:48,360 naughty nymphetes, teenage Outdoorster girl. 1338 01:20:48,360 --> 01:20:49,920 Be there when the Outdoorsters see the light 1339 01:20:49,920 --> 01:20:53,050 in Born Again Outdoorster, introducing the new bear 1340 01:20:53,050 --> 01:20:54,710 discovery, Gentile Ben. 1341 01:20:54,710 --> 01:20:55,960 You won't want to miss it. 1342 01:20:55,960 --> 01:20:57,630 And there's more! 1343 01:20:57,630 --> 01:21:00,330 You'll want to be around for the prestigous line up 1344 01:21:00,330 --> 01:21:03,860 of Outdoorster epics for the 1990s and beyond. 1345 01:21:03,860 --> 01:21:06,730 Put on your dancing shoes, cause the Dancing Doorsters 1346 01:21:06,730 --> 01:21:08,980 are coming at ya with Out-Disco-Doorsters 1347 01:21:08,980 --> 01:21:11,180 in the toe-tappingest time you've ever had. 1348 01:21:11,180 --> 01:21:12,980 Hear the movie, see the album, buy the t-shirt. 1349 01:21:12,980 --> 01:21:13,930 Use the ashtray. 1350 01:21:13,930 --> 01:21:15,950 It's the Outdoorsters in Merchandising Forever. 1351 01:21:15,950 --> 01:21:17,200 And there's more-- 1352 01:21:56,940 --> 01:21:58,410 NARRATOR: Grizzly played by Sanishlov Nucho. 1353 01:21:58,410 --> 01:21:59,540 Racoon, Francoise Lebec. 1354 01:21:59,540 --> 01:22:01,090 The Moose, Rabbi Chaim Ben Vereen. 1355 01:22:01,090 --> 01:22:02,580 Special thanks to the Electro-Shock 1356 01:22:02,580 --> 01:22:03,700 Animal Training Workshop. 1357 01:22:03,700 --> 01:22:06,050 10,000 Volt animal prod provided by Stunt Bears Unlimited. 1358 01:22:06,050 --> 01:22:07,700 Fish underear by River Gills Wetshop Limited. 1359 01:22:07,700 --> 01:22:09,030 Manure carting, Brown and Rich Chocolate 1360 01:22:09,030 --> 01:22:10,460 Putting Company inc. Urban guerrillas 1361 01:22:10,460 --> 01:22:11,680 trained by Che Guevera. 1362 01:22:11,680 --> 01:22:13,410 The [INAUDIBLE]. 1363 01:22:13,410 --> 01:22:18,120 And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver. 1364 01:22:18,120 --> 01:22:19,970 Location butcher, Ralph 17 Point Meats, 1365 01:22:19,970 --> 01:22:21,910 devouring and gutting custom cuts of [INAUDIBLE], grinding 1366 01:22:21,910 --> 01:22:23,990 and filleting by Butcherama, soup bones by Michelle, roast 1367 01:22:23,990 --> 01:22:25,420 and chop, special tonight, prime rib sliced 1368 01:22:25,420 --> 01:22:26,600 to perfection, just choice. 1369 01:22:26,600 --> 01:22:28,010 New York strip steak, $7.95. 1370 01:22:28,010 --> 01:22:29,120 Ala carte, $9.95. 1371 01:22:29,120 --> 01:22:29,920 Surf and turf, $12.50. 1372 01:22:29,920 --> 01:22:31,400 Sour cream on baked potato, $0.25 extra. 1373 01:22:31,400 --> 01:22:33,040 Coffee, tea, and beverage, and choice of dessert. 1374 01:22:33,040 --> 01:22:35,300 No animals were hurt in the making of this motion picture. 1375 01:22:35,300 --> 01:22:38,740 Uh, except maybe a fish. 1376 01:22:38,740 --> 01:22:42,740 This film is dedicated to Tony Zitto, stunt fish. 1377 01:22:42,740 --> 01:22:44,270 He swumeth against the current. 1378 01:22:44,270 --> 01:22:45,530 Twere all that he knew. 1379 01:22:45,530 --> 01:22:46,330 Sir William Blake. 1380 01:23:09,430 --> 01:23:11,450 [MUSIC PLAYING] 1381 01:27:13,500 --> 01:27:14,300 NARRATOR: Good, great. 1382 01:27:14,300 --> 01:27:15,290 They gave us an R. 1383 01:27:15,290 --> 01:27:15,860 NARRATOR: What do you want from me? 1384 01:27:15,860 --> 01:27:16,640 Forget about that. 1385 01:27:16,640 --> 01:27:17,940 NARRATOR: We've kissed the kid audience 1386 01:27:17,940 --> 01:27:18,890 and the TV sale goodbye. 1387 01:27:18,890 --> 01:27:19,790 NARRATOR: Look, relax. 1388 01:27:19,790 --> 01:27:20,660 Don't worry. 1389 01:27:20,660 --> 01:27:21,830 I got it all figured out. 1390 01:27:21,830 --> 01:27:24,900 We cut out the dirty stuff, show it to them again, get the PG, 1391 01:27:24,900 --> 01:27:26,510 and then stick the dirty stuff back in. 1392 01:27:26,510 --> 01:27:27,240 They'll never know. Forget about it. 1393 01:27:27,240 --> 01:27:28,190 NARRATOR: All right, but I'm not sure if that's 1394 01:27:28,190 --> 01:27:29,550 really the way to do it. NARRATOR: Sure. 1395 01:27:29,550 --> 01:27:30,450 Sure. Go with me on this. 1396 01:27:30,450 --> 01:27:32,300 Didn't I-- 1397 01:27:33,305 --> 01:28:33,494 OpenSubtitles.org AP stops working soon, but not for VIP members -> osdb.link/vip 99447

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