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1
00:00:01,901 --> 00:00:02,945
Julie, one time,
My uncle edmond,
2
00:00:02,969 --> 00:00:04,402
He's on a plane, right?
3
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:07,405
He sits down and next to
Him on the aisle is this big guy,
4
00:00:07,473 --> 00:00:08,672
About six foot, seven.
5
00:00:08,741 --> 00:00:11,175
The big guy sits down there
And goes right to sleep.
6
00:00:12,611 --> 00:00:14,756
So, my uncle edmond,
Right, he's having lunch.
7
00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:16,658
He's got his tray table up
There and he's having lunch
8
00:00:16,682 --> 00:00:19,984
And the big guy's next to him...
9
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,563
And all of a sudden,
Some turbulence happens
10
00:00:21,587 --> 00:00:25,956
And the whole tray
Table falls on the big guy.
11
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,224
Yeah?
12
00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:29,338
'bout five minutes later,
The big guy wakes up,
13
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:32,263
Sees all this, he
Says, "What happened?"
14
00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:34,966
My uncle edmond says,
"Mister, you feel better now?"
15
00:00:39,405 --> 00:00:43,274
♪
16
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,546
♪ welcome back ♪
17
00:00:49,615 --> 00:00:53,384
♪ your dreams were
Your ticket out ♪
18
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:55,653
♪ welcome back ♪
19
00:00:55,721 --> 00:01:00,358
♪ to that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
20
00:01:00,427 --> 00:01:02,526
♪ well the names
Have all changed
21
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,595
Since you hung around ♪
22
00:01:04,663 --> 00:01:06,731
♪ but those dreams have remained
23
00:01:06,799 --> 00:01:08,999
And they've turned around ♪
24
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,168
♪ who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
25
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,148
♪ who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
26
00:01:13,172 --> 00:01:15,039
♪ back here where we need ya ♪
27
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,341
♪ back here where we need ya ♪
28
00:01:17,409 --> 00:01:19,243
♪ yeah, we tease him a lot
29
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,512
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
30
00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:23,714
♪ welcome back ♪
31
00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:27,718
♪ welcome back, welcome
Back, welcome back ♪♪
32
00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:36,093
♪
33
00:01:43,836 --> 00:01:48,472
Coming!
34
00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:52,609
♪ hello, hello, hello, hello ♪♪
35
00:01:55,681 --> 00:01:56,681
Hello.
36
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:58,082
Hello.
37
00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:01,752
Are you the lady who
Ordered the totem pole?
38
00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,254
Come on in, guys.
39
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,922
How you doin', mrs. Kotter.
40
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:06,935
Look, we just came
By to see if mr. Kotter
41
00:02:06,959 --> 00:02:08,204
Was gonna come to
School or not tomorrow.
42
00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:10,172
Yeah, you know,
'cause like if he isn't,
43
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:11,940
We better untie the substitute.
44
00:02:11,964 --> 00:02:13,875
Oh, golly, you
Shouldn't of done that.
45
00:02:13,899 --> 00:02:14,977
You know somethin',
You're right.
46
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,401
We should've tied up woodman.
47
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,971
He's been actin' very weird
Lately, even for woodman.
48
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:21,950
Well, look, gabe's
Gonna be back on sunday.
49
00:02:21,974 --> 00:02:24,575
He called, his father's
Appendectomy went fine.
50
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:27,144
He's already complaining about
The scrambled eggs and jell-o.
51
00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:30,947
Ah, well, you see, there's
A reason why hospitals
52
00:02:31,016 --> 00:02:33,450
Only serve soft food.
53
00:02:33,519 --> 00:02:35,230
So that when you
Throw it out the window
54
00:02:35,254 --> 00:02:38,756
It don't hurt nobody.
55
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,936
Hey, mrs. Kotter, how come
They took out his appendix.
56
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,694
I mean couldn't they
Just put a cast on it?
57
00:02:45,197 --> 00:02:46,708
Hey, what is there
Here you're eatin'?
58
00:02:46,732 --> 00:02:50,634
This lettuce and carrots
And cottage cheese,
59
00:02:50,703 --> 00:02:52,202
That's rabbit food.
60
00:02:52,271 --> 00:02:54,538
Well, when gabe's
Away, I don't cook much.
61
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:56,452
See that, she don't know
How to take care of herself.
62
00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:58,287
That food is terrible,
I'm gonna go out
63
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:00,744
And get you and the
Babies an anchovy pizza.
64
00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:04,148
Um, vinnie,
65
00:03:04,217 --> 00:03:06,317
Babies don't eat anchovy pizzas.
66
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:08,819
Well, how 'bout a mushroom one?
67
00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:10,821
Hey, mrs. Kotter,
Better than that,
68
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:13,624
You get the babies a half
Pepperoni, half pabulum,
69
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,159
No problem.
70
00:03:15,227 --> 00:03:21,132
See you later, mrs.
Kotter, we'll be back.
71
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:25,770
Mrs. Kotter's got a
Male visitor, the weirdo.
72
00:03:29,208 --> 00:03:31,609
Hi, mr. Woodman, come on in.
73
00:03:31,677 --> 00:03:35,412
Julie, there's a little cottage
Cheese on your upper lip.
74
00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:37,815
Mr. Woodman, how sweet,
Did you come all the way
75
00:03:37,883 --> 00:03:40,685
Across town just
To tell me that?
76
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:43,387
No, no, how did I know you'd
Be eating cottage cheese?
77
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:45,757
Can I come in?
78
00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,725
Sure, make yourself at home.
79
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:58,068
Julie, I'm sitting
On a time bomb.
80
00:03:58,137 --> 00:04:00,237
Sit on the couch, it's
More comfortable.
81
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,710
I've written a novel.
82
00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:09,479
It's a behind-the-scenes account
Of the day-to-day struggles
83
00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:11,582
Of a great administrator.
84
00:04:14,086 --> 00:04:17,655
The swamp rats of savannah?
85
00:04:17,723 --> 00:04:19,790
Says it all, doesn't it?
86
00:04:19,858 --> 00:04:22,359
It takes place during the
Civil war at applegate hall,
87
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,495
Finest private boys
School in the south.
88
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:27,632
Oh, I see, you wrote
About buchanan.
89
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:32,169
Shh, if anyone knows I'm
Doing this sensational expose,
90
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:35,072
They'll try to stop it
Before it's published.
91
00:04:35,141 --> 00:04:40,344
Now, forget buchanan,
Think applegate.
92
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:45,215
Anyway, there are these four
Incorrigible, disgusting lads.
93
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:46,317
The sweathogs.
94
00:04:46,385 --> 00:04:48,885
No, no, the swamp rats.
95
00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:50,487
No relation to the sweathogs.
96
00:04:50,556 --> 00:04:52,634
No, no, these boys are
Rich, I mean they're dripping
97
00:04:52,658 --> 00:04:55,258
In money, even though
It's confederate.
98
00:04:55,327 --> 00:04:57,628
Now, now their teacher is
A deserter from the army,
99
00:04:57,697 --> 00:05:00,598
Who grows a mustache
To hide his identity.
100
00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,633
You made gabe a deserter?
101
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,246
It has nothing to do with
Gabe, the teacher's name
102
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:07,304
Is gaylord teesdale.
103
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,940
He's a yellow-bellied turncoat.
104
00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,909
I take it he's not the hero.
105
00:05:11,977 --> 00:05:13,855
Of course not, the
Hero is the headmaster,
106
00:05:13,879 --> 00:05:17,181
Beauregard ravenna.
107
00:05:17,249 --> 00:05:22,552
I call him the
Silver-haired fox.
108
00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:25,055
You get it, silver,
Grey, confederate?
109
00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:27,257
It all ties together, you see.
110
00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:30,327
Mr. Woodman, do you really
Think that a book about
111
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:33,330
A southern boys
School is gonna sell?
112
00:05:33,398 --> 00:05:35,143
You think I care if it sells?
113
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:36,533
I mean this is art, julie!
114
00:05:36,602 --> 00:05:38,868
This was a story that
Was burning inside of me
115
00:05:38,937 --> 00:05:40,504
And had to get out!
116
00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:44,908
All right, mr. Woodman,
It's out, it's out.
117
00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:49,079
Calm down, okay now,
What do you want me to do?
118
00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:51,115
All right, I'd like
You to read it.
119
00:05:51,183 --> 00:05:54,284
I... I need an honest opinion.
120
00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:58,589
Okay, I would be
Glad to read it.
121
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,924
Do it.
122
00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:02,760
You want me to read it now?
123
00:06:02,828 --> 00:06:05,328
I've gotta get your reaction
To beauregard ravenna.
124
00:06:05,397 --> 00:06:06,541
You see, he comes
In on page four,
125
00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:09,332
I may have to
Bring him in earlier.
126
00:06:09,401 --> 00:06:11,868
Would you read it, go ahead.
127
00:06:11,937 --> 00:06:13,548
Okay now, we're page four?
128
00:06:13,572 --> 00:06:15,172
Page four.
129
00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:18,075
Okay.
130
00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:20,611
"Dawn came over the delta.
131
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,961
The amber rays of the
Morning sun fingered their way
132
00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:26,349
Past the cottonwoods
And into the swamp.
133
00:06:26,418 --> 00:06:29,920
There to silence the
Lament of the loons."
134
00:06:29,989 --> 00:06:31,956
I love loons.
135
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:34,992
Songbirds of the swamp.
136
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,095
Go ahead, read.
137
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:42,332
"The fat frogs threw
Off their mantle of sleep
138
00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:48,105
And began plop-plopping
Into the brackish water."
139
00:06:48,173 --> 00:06:50,051
Remember that brackish
Water, I do a playback
140
00:06:50,075 --> 00:06:52,443
On that at the end.
141
00:06:52,511 --> 00:06:57,113
- now, you see, julia luh...
- julie luh?
142
00:06:57,182 --> 00:06:59,516
Julie luh, she's the
Beautiful, young wife
143
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,218
Of the teacher deserter.
144
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:05,356
Oh, I see, and she runs off
145
00:07:05,424 --> 00:07:07,791
With the silver-haired fox?
146
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:09,980
Oh, no, she tries to
But beauregard ravenna
147
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:11,573
Is not the kind of person
That would run away
148
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,096
With another man's wife.
149
00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:15,966
What a guy, he sends
Her back to the deserter?
150
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:19,569
Here, let me read the end.
151
00:07:19,638 --> 00:07:21,638
Look at this, adds
The brackish water.
152
00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:22,973
Uh-huh, brackish water.
153
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:26,543
"Looked, looked at julie
Luh's heels, she etched
154
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:29,113
Her suicide message
Into the quicksand
155
00:07:29,181 --> 00:07:32,450
With a cottonwood branch.
156
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:35,953
Beauregard,
Beauregard, beauregard,
157
00:07:36,021 --> 00:07:39,422
I love you, I love
You, I love you,
158
00:07:39,491 --> 00:07:44,261
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye."
159
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:47,831
She dies.
160
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,177
Well, we find out in the sequel
161
00:07:49,201 --> 00:07:51,801
That her hoop skirt
Snags on a jotting root.
162
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,840
Pizza time!
163
00:08:03,482 --> 00:08:05,026
Julie, did you ever think
About getting a couple
164
00:08:05,050 --> 00:08:08,585
Doberman pinschers
For occasions like this?
165
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:14,058
Oh, mr. Woodman,
Are you still here?
166
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:16,694
Don't you have to
Bring your pet spider
167
00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:19,229
To obedience class?
168
00:08:19,298 --> 00:08:22,399
Now, horshack,
Mr. Woodman just came over
169
00:08:22,468 --> 00:08:23,734
To show me his novel.
170
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:26,203
Oh, yeah, let's see,
Let's check it out.
171
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:28,272
Hey!
172
00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:30,574
"Swamp rats of savannah."
173
00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:32,209
What's in this book,
174
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:35,312
Billy carter's drinkin' buddies?
175
00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:39,049
Hey, let me see, let
Me see, let me see.
176
00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:42,753
Hey, hey, listen to this.
177
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:45,723
"Young master kloberino..."
178
00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:52,195
Boy, that sounds familiar.
179
00:08:52,264 --> 00:08:54,397
"Was caught in the smoke house,
180
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:59,035
His face smeared with
Barbequed liverwurst."
181
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:04,708
Hey, vinnie, I think he
Wrote that book about you.
182
00:09:04,776 --> 00:09:06,822
Here, check it out, look
At this, look, look, look.
183
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,812
All of us is inside
This book, look.
184
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:13,584
There's warpstein.
185
00:09:13,652 --> 00:09:16,019
It got thorshack.
186
00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:18,722
It got baltimore.
187
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:21,224
Baltimore?
188
00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:23,727
That's close to washington.
189
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:30,800
All right, so it is
Based loosely on you.
190
00:09:30,869 --> 00:09:32,581
Yeah, but that don't give
You the right to smear
191
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:34,405
Liverwurst all over my face.
192
00:09:35,874 --> 00:09:38,541
I'm a writer, I
Write like I see it.
193
00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:40,055
Yeah, but, um, mr. Woodman,
You got us here
194
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,512
Challengin' the church
Choir to a rumble.
195
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,625
I mean we don't
Do stuff like that,
196
00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:45,015
I mean we never hurt nobody.
197
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,518
Oh, yeah, read chapter six,
Where the swamp rats set fire
198
00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:49,819
To every cotton
Field in the county.
199
00:09:49,888 --> 00:09:51,799
For three months,
Robert e. Lee and his men
200
00:09:51,823 --> 00:09:53,957
Couldn't find q-tips.
201
00:09:58,263 --> 00:10:00,464
If they wanted cotton,
All they had to do
202
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,999
Was open their aspirin bottles.
203
00:10:04,336 --> 00:10:06,503
Guys, just look
At the bright side,
204
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:08,872
At least he didn't blame
The civil war on you.
205
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:11,741
Ho, yes he do, check
It out, right here.
206
00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:13,254
Right here, in
Chapter eight, it says
207
00:10:13,278 --> 00:10:14,811
We fired on fort sumter.
208
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,980
We can't let him do that to us.
209
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:21,117
We won't, gentlemen,
Woodman wants war,
210
00:10:21,186 --> 00:10:22,820
Then war it is.
211
00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:25,055
Right!
212
00:10:26,725 --> 00:10:31,228
Now, guys, what are
You gonna do, come on?
213
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,764
Guys?
214
00:10:33,832 --> 00:10:35,832
Guys?
215
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,268
Oh, come on, guys,
The civil war is over,
216
00:10:38,336 --> 00:10:41,471
Your regiment needs you.
217
00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:43,339
Guys?
218
00:10:43,408 --> 00:10:46,543
♪
219
00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:50,091
- woodman can't write!
- right on!
220
00:10:50,115 --> 00:10:51,292
- woodman can't write!
- can you hear me?
221
00:10:51,316 --> 00:10:53,249
- woodman can't write!
- cornbread!
222
00:10:53,318 --> 00:10:55,519
- woodman can't write!
- peas and rice.
223
00:10:55,587 --> 00:10:58,855
All right, all right,
All right, knock it off!
224
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:00,568
Throw your signs
In the shredders.
225
00:11:00,592 --> 00:11:03,560
Demonstration's over.
226
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:08,632
Well, beauregard ravenna,
227
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:13,537
Did you drop by to
Count your slaves?
228
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,606
After what you did
To the substitute,
229
00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:16,740
I'm taking over?
230
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,552
Oh, what'd we do
That was so bad?
231
00:11:18,576 --> 00:11:20,810
Yesterday afternoon,
In the cafeteria,
232
00:11:20,879 --> 00:11:23,047
Strapping trays to his feet.
233
00:11:25,784 --> 00:11:30,821
And making him stamp the lumps
Out of the mashed potatoes.
234
00:11:30,889 --> 00:11:33,457
Yeah, all that work for nothin'.
235
00:11:33,525 --> 00:11:35,525
Turns out the lumps
Was in the gravy.
236
00:11:37,429 --> 00:11:39,274
How'd you like our
Little protest, here?
237
00:11:39,298 --> 00:11:41,198
- yeah.
- I loved it.
238
00:11:41,266 --> 00:11:44,401
We authors thrive
On controversy.
239
00:11:44,469 --> 00:11:46,269
It's good for sales.
240
00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:47,949
Let me tell you
Somethin', mr. Woodman,
241
00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:49,651
The whole school is behind us.
242
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:50,941
Yeah!
243
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:54,077
I mean everywhere you go,
You're gonna be badgered.
244
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:56,280
- you're gonna be browbeaten.
- oh, yeah!
245
00:11:56,348 --> 00:12:00,384
And you're gonna
Be badmouthed, yes.
246
00:12:00,452 --> 00:12:03,353
Mr. Woodman, if you
Publish that book,
247
00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:07,123
You are gonna have angry
Picketers all around your house,
248
00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:09,793
Night and day.
249
00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:12,162
So what, it's been
Going on for years.
250
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:14,271
I remodeled my
Kitchen with bricks that
251
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,566
Were thrown through my window.
252
00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:19,869
Mr. Woodman, you better
Not make light of this.
253
00:12:19,938 --> 00:12:23,740
That book of yours is
An insult to the sweathog.
254
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:26,810
It is a gross
Distortion of the truth.
255
00:12:26,878 --> 00:12:29,379
Truth?
256
00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:31,147
What is truth?
257
00:12:31,216 --> 00:12:33,850
Vincent, don't start.
258
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:36,219
It's true, I've been thinkin'
About it lately a lot.
259
00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:38,054
I think, "What is the truth."
260
00:12:38,123 --> 00:12:40,168
Right, I went out, I
Went out with deloris
261
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,159
To the drive-in, right.
262
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:44,694
And I said to her,
I said, um, I said,
263
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,029
"Deloris, what is the truth?"
264
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:49,166
And she said, "Vinnie, go
Get me some french fries."
265
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:51,835
I said, "Okay, but answer me
One thing, what is the truth?"
266
00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:55,572
She said, "Never mind, I'll
Go get the french fries."
267
00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:59,009
You know what, I think
Maybe I'm too deep for her.
268
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:04,248
You know, barbarino,
269
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,950
I've met cabbage
Deeper than you.
270
00:13:10,622 --> 00:13:14,224
Where does that man go at night?
271
00:13:14,292 --> 00:13:17,994
You wanna know the truth,
Read swamp rats of savannah.
272
00:13:18,063 --> 00:13:19,974
It's filled with the
Profound understanding
273
00:13:19,998 --> 00:13:22,132
Of human nature.
274
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:26,003
Oh, profound
Understanding, I see.
275
00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:29,106
Like in that scene
At the officer's ball.
276
00:13:29,174 --> 00:13:32,876
A perfectly happy,
Married woman falls in love
277
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:35,212
With a complete stranger,
278
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:39,149
And then, in front of
A crowd of 300 guests,
279
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:43,653
She drops to her knees
And she licks his boots.
280
00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:49,459
And all this after
Only having one minuet.
281
00:13:50,862 --> 00:13:53,096
So, beauregard's a great dancer.
282
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,598
The secret's in the dip.
283
00:14:00,072 --> 00:14:04,440
That bogard, that
Bogard story is so stupid.
284
00:14:04,509 --> 00:14:07,377
I mean remember that
Part when he asks, he says,
285
00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:10,713
"Hey, julie luh, would you
Have this minuet with me?"
286
00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:20,891
How do I know you're
Not a yankee spy?
287
00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:30,533
But madam, I am a
Southern gentleman.
288
00:14:30,602 --> 00:14:32,780
You can tell by the way I
Tore off the union labels
289
00:14:32,804 --> 00:14:34,338
From my clothes.
290
00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,409
Come and dance.
291
00:14:39,478 --> 00:14:43,613
♪
292
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:48,151
My, my, you do
Dance divine, there.
293
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,653
Oh, I bet you say
That to everybody.
294
00:14:50,722 --> 00:14:54,157
No, no, just the men.
295
00:14:56,795 --> 00:15:02,499
♪
296
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:07,271
Why, beauregard, I do
Believe they are starin'.
297
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:10,307
The reason that they're starin'
Is because they never seen
298
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,942
Such beauty.
299
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:18,448
You flatter me.
300
00:15:18,517 --> 00:15:21,451
I was talkin' about myself.
301
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:31,895
♪
302
00:15:31,963 --> 00:15:36,266
Oh, beauregard, beauregard,
You have stolen my heart.
303
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:39,269
Could you run away with
The wife of a yankee deserter
304
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,204
With a mustache?
305
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:45,842
Oh, no, 'cause I hate
Women with mustaches.
306
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:51,114
Then I do believe I'll go
Throw myself in the swamp.
307
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:54,918
Don't wait up for me.
308
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:06,463
If that was for my
Benefit, it was disgusting.
309
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,799
Good, so is your book.
310
00:16:10,168 --> 00:16:13,569
Well, I'm not changing
A word, it's pure gold!
311
00:16:13,638 --> 00:16:18,008
Gentlemen, the time has come
312
00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:22,312
To put down our swords
And pick up our pens!
313
00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:24,280
Right on, yeah, all right!
314
00:16:24,349 --> 00:16:29,953
We have no choice, we
Must fight ink with ink!
315
00:16:31,356 --> 00:16:33,656
Woodman can't write!
316
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,625
Woodman can't write!
317
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,694
Woodman can't write!
318
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:39,730
Woodman can't write!
319
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:42,065
Woodman can't write!
320
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:43,867
♪
321
00:16:43,935 --> 00:16:46,003
Yeah, honey, I miss you, too.
322
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:48,771
Uh-huh, the girls are behaving.
323
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,085
No, they can't
Come to the phone,
324
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:53,043
They're busy setting their hair.
325
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,911
I'm glad your father's okay.
326
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:58,715
Yeah, I love you, too, I'll
See you sunday, bye-bye.
327
00:17:03,988 --> 00:17:07,857
Shh!
328
00:17:12,564 --> 00:17:14,231
All right, what's going on?
329
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:18,234
Mrs. Kotter, we're
Sitting on a time bomb.
330
00:17:20,438 --> 00:17:23,740
This is the second bomb
Scare we've had here this week.
331
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:26,342
We're written a novel.
332
00:17:26,411 --> 00:17:28,578
What do I look
Like, random house?
333
00:17:28,647 --> 00:17:31,814
Come on, you gotta check it
Out, look at it, it's incredible.
334
00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:34,251
Sensational expose, the
School newspaper is gonna print
335
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:36,018
The first chapter on friday.
336
00:17:36,087 --> 00:17:38,821
Ugh, I hope it's not
Another civil war epic.
337
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:43,726
Oh, no, it's called... ♪
338
00:17:43,795 --> 00:17:51,795
The space hogs... Of buchania.
339
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:56,039
Okay.
340
00:17:56,107 --> 00:18:00,276
Oh, "Dawn came over the galaxy.
341
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:05,348
The amber rays of
The morning cosmos
342
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:09,152
Silenced the lament
Of the space loons."
343
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:11,755
How do you like it so far?
344
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,924
Let me put it to you this way,
345
00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:17,226
If you guys have a julie
Luh doing the backstroke
346
00:18:17,295 --> 00:18:19,830
Through brackish
Waters, I've read it.
347
00:18:19,898 --> 00:18:22,699
That's impossible,
We just wrote it.
348
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,045
Now, wait till you
Get to the ending here.
349
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:25,346
Oh, yeah, yeah, the
Ending, that's the best part,
350
00:18:25,370 --> 00:18:27,015
You see, that's
When the space hogs
351
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:29,072
Do battle with the
Evil vice tyrant...
352
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,248
Woodnose.
353
00:18:38,316 --> 00:18:39,615
Demento.
354
00:18:42,654 --> 00:18:48,191
One day, news of demento's
Evil reaches the antennae
355
00:18:48,259 --> 00:18:51,494
Of the mighty space hog!
356
00:18:51,563 --> 00:18:54,430
Yeah, there was four of 'em.
357
00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:03,806
There was four of 'em.
358
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,475
They were brave.
359
00:19:06,544 --> 00:19:10,847
They were handsome.
360
00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:15,551
They were powerful.
361
00:19:15,620 --> 00:19:17,853
And they were lacking
In high school diplomas.
362
00:19:17,922 --> 00:19:19,667
You get it, lacking in diplomas?
363
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:26,796
Into the vice tyrant's lounge,
364
00:19:26,864 --> 00:19:29,532
The mighty space hogs burst.
365
00:19:31,035 --> 00:19:32,702
Burst.
366
00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:37,873
Quarantine space hogs.
367
00:19:37,942 --> 00:19:40,877
Your corking days are over!
368
00:19:40,945 --> 00:19:43,046
Shouted the space
Hogs as they zapped him
369
00:19:43,114 --> 00:19:44,981
With their sweat gun.
370
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,420
I'm melting.
371
00:19:50,488 --> 00:19:54,857
I'm melting on my
Beautiful, evil mat.
372
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:03,466
- you killed him.
- yes!
373
00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:09,239
What?
374
00:20:09,307 --> 00:20:12,108
I can't... What, what, what?
375
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:16,045
All that was left was a
Pile of grey-haired yogurt.
376
00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:18,981
Until...
377
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,961
Until chapter two,
When he returned
378
00:20:20,985 --> 00:20:24,720
As a bowl of rice pudding.
379
00:20:24,789 --> 00:20:28,224
What did you think, mrs.
Kotter, it was too deep, huh?
380
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:30,660
It was too real...
Reality, right?
381
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,696
You had me until
The rice pudding.
382
00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:36,899
I knew, I knew we
Shoulda made it tapioca.
383
00:20:36,968 --> 00:20:39,302
I'll get it.
384
00:20:43,975 --> 00:20:46,976
It's the dreaded demento!
385
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:48,545
Get out of the way.
386
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:49,779
Come on in, mr. Woodman.
387
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:52,649
Julie, have you read
This trash, this slander?
388
00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:57,354
Mr. Woodman, I am not taking
Any more submissions this week.
389
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,622
How dare you call me demento.
390
00:20:59,691 --> 00:21:01,357
This is all lies.
391
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:05,261
I never took a meteorite
Shower with an android.
392
00:21:05,329 --> 00:21:07,529
Mr. Woodman, we ain't never
Burned no cotton fields
393
00:21:07,565 --> 00:21:09,733
And we ain't never
Fired on fort sumter.
394
00:21:09,801 --> 00:21:12,435
But you got my hijacking
All the gravity in the universe
395
00:21:12,504 --> 00:21:14,971
And holding it for ransom.
396
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,041
Well, you have us
Challenging the church choir
397
00:21:18,109 --> 00:21:23,880
To a rumble... And losing.
398
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:28,284
Okay, okay, this has really
Gone far enough now, okay.
399
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:30,486
You know something, guys,
400
00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:34,624
This reminds me of a joke
That gabe once told to me.
401
00:21:34,692 --> 00:21:36,371
No, this is a real funny joke,
402
00:21:36,395 --> 00:21:37,860
You're gonna love this.
403
00:21:37,929 --> 00:21:40,963
There are these two guys
And they were bragging
404
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:43,233
About this fishing that they did
405
00:21:43,301 --> 00:21:45,368
And the one guy
Says to the other guy,
406
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:48,704
"I caught a goldfish
That was 400 pounds."
407
00:21:48,773 --> 00:21:52,909
And the other guy
Says, "I caught a lantern
408
00:21:52,977 --> 00:21:56,412
Dated 1492 and the
Light was still burning."
409
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,914
So, the one guy
Says to the other,
410
00:21:58,983 --> 00:22:02,918
"I tell you what, I'll knock
Off a hundred pounds
411
00:22:02,987 --> 00:22:05,855
If you blow out the light."
412
00:22:07,692 --> 00:22:10,327
It has a point.
413
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,578
Well, maybe I did
Exaggerate a little.
414
00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:20,003
Maybe you wouldn't burn
415
00:22:20,071 --> 00:22:22,972
Every cotton
Field in the county.
416
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,109
Mr. Woodman just knocked off
His hundred pounds, now come on.
417
00:22:26,177 --> 00:22:27,988
All right, so maybe
You're not the kind of guy
418
00:22:28,012 --> 00:22:30,713
That would take a
Shower with an android.
419
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:33,827
Well, why don't you
Show the man a little
420
00:22:33,851 --> 00:22:37,086
Good faith there, freddie?
421
00:22:37,155 --> 00:22:40,990
Okay, mr. Woodman, you got it.
422
00:22:41,059 --> 00:22:45,128
Well,
423
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:49,098
This is three years
Hard work, how can I just
424
00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:50,432
Tear it up?
425
00:22:50,501 --> 00:22:53,203
Mr. Woodman, you
Don't have to tear it up.
426
00:22:53,271 --> 00:22:55,405
Just re-write it a little.
427
00:22:55,474 --> 00:22:58,607
Yeah, just talk
About our other side.
428
00:22:58,676 --> 00:23:02,711
How we're kind and generous,
429
00:23:02,780 --> 00:23:06,649
And how we always help
An underprivileged wino
430
00:23:06,717 --> 00:23:08,751
Crawl across the street.
431
00:23:10,489 --> 00:23:12,154
But I never see that side.
432
00:23:12,223 --> 00:23:13,656
Give us a chance to show ya.
433
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:15,602
Yeah, all right,
Sit down over here.
434
00:23:15,626 --> 00:23:17,894
Come on, mr. Woodman.
435
00:23:17,962 --> 00:23:20,329
Now, do you remember,
Do you remember the part
436
00:23:20,398 --> 00:23:22,398
When the character of kloberino,
437
00:23:22,466 --> 00:23:25,001
When he gets the liverwurst
On his face, remember that?
438
00:23:25,069 --> 00:23:27,737
Of course, it's a
Literary delight.
439
00:23:27,805 --> 00:23:30,706
No, I think it should
Be pizza in the face.
440
00:23:30,775 --> 00:23:31,852
What are you talkin' about?
441
00:23:31,876 --> 00:23:33,008
Now, get your pen...
442
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:36,179
They wouldn't serve
Pizza at applegate hall.
443
00:23:36,247 --> 00:23:38,914
Well, it's a start.
444
00:23:46,724 --> 00:23:50,593
♪
445
00:23:52,931 --> 00:23:54,542
You know, when you were
Away, honey, robin demanded
446
00:23:54,566 --> 00:23:56,298
A crib with a better view.
447
00:23:56,367 --> 00:23:59,234
I knew we should've
Rented the penthouse suite.
448
00:23:59,303 --> 00:24:01,538
I'm glad everything's
Okay with your dad.
449
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:04,173
Oh, yeah, my mother was
Kind of worried for a second.
450
00:24:04,242 --> 00:24:06,443
She kept saying, "Gabe,
I don't know what I'll do
451
00:24:06,511 --> 00:24:08,523
Without your father,
I mean I couldn't live
452
00:24:08,547 --> 00:24:10,246
Without your father,
453
00:24:10,315 --> 00:24:13,817
Unless, of course, it was
In the south of france."
454
00:24:13,885 --> 00:24:17,753
♪
455
00:24:22,026 --> 00:24:25,895
♪
456
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:31,934
♪ welcome back ♪
457
00:24:32,003 --> 00:24:35,604
♪ your dreams were
Your ticket out ♪
458
00:24:35,673 --> 00:24:37,941
♪ welcome back ♪
459
00:24:38,009 --> 00:24:42,611
♪ to that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
460
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,847
♪ well the names
Have all changed
461
00:24:44,916 --> 00:24:46,916
Since you hung around ♪
462
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:49,085
♪ but those dreams have remained
463
00:24:49,153 --> 00:24:51,186
And they've turned around ♪
464
00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:53,489
♪ who'd have thought
They'd lead you ♪
465
00:24:53,557 --> 00:24:55,402
♪ who'd have thought
They'd lead you ♪
466
00:24:55,426 --> 00:24:57,359
♪ back here where we need ya ♪
467
00:24:57,428 --> 00:24:59,495
♪ back here where we need ya ♪
468
00:24:59,563 --> 00:25:01,597
♪ yeah we tease him a lot
469
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:04,033
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
470
00:25:04,102 --> 00:25:06,335
♪ welcome back ♪♪
34541
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