Original subtitles

Now that I've analyzed your blood samples,

it's way too dangerous to get out in the world.

(GRUNTS)

MALE CROOK: Thunderball, did you get it?

No. I couldn't pierce that nasty green skin.

JENNIFER: Previously on She-Hulk...

I've got court documents filed by Titania Worldwide LLC.

She's suing for trademark misuse.

You're using my name to sell your trashy products.

To be my client, dress like you respect yourself

and not like a football player pleading no contest to a DUI.

Luke, this is the She-Hulk.

Oh, my God.

JENNIFER: Because I made a dating profile as She-Hulk,

every single one of those dates is a corroborating witness.

Would you have gone on the date

if She-Hulk had instead presented as Jennifer Walters?

She's not really my type.

The court finds in favor of Jennifer Walters, aka She-Hulk.

This isn't over, hater.

(PARTY HORN TOOTING)

Oh, goodie.

No, Jen, you don't need to bring a Luke Jacobson business suit

to the wedding.

I wanna see the supersuit that he made you.

JENNIFER: Why? I'll never wear it.

NIKKI: Come on. You're killing me!

It's double the sin to kill a fun person.

No, no, no. Look at the dress that Luke made me for the rehearsal dinner.

-What? -Yeah.

-Oh, my God! -Do you love it?

You're gonna look hot as Shulky.

That's a reason to go to the wedding.

Yes! That's actually the reason I'm really excited to go.

Why does anyone have a wedding on a Thursday?

Oh, Lulu's an old friend from high school.

She's like... She knows my whole family. My cousin Ched is DJing the wedding.

-What? -Yes.

But we just, like, gradually grew apart and we don't talk anymore.

Why are you a bridesmaid?

'Cause she... I think she just felt obligated to ask me.

And I felt obligated to say yes because how do you say no to being a bridesmaid?

You just say no.

I hate that Mallory has to pick up my slack at work.

It's just a divorce case.

It gives me the opportunity to work so much closer with Miss Mallory.

-Hmm. -(CHUCKLES)

Yes, it's a self-contained wedding episode.

And if you think this is happening at an inconvenient time, you're right.

'Cause that's how weddings always are. But I'm gonna look great, so let's go.

Let's do it!

(THE VIBES BY SAFIRE PLAYING)

HEATHER: Wow, Jen!

Everything about you is just working!

Thank you, Heather!

You took that "Toned Up for the Big Day" workout plan seriously.

-Yeah, I did. -Yeah.

Girl, your ass looks crazy right now.

Incredible!

Everybody has an ass. Hi, Jen.

Hi, Lulu! Oh, my God!

Um, can I talk to you for a second?

-I can't believe you're doing this. -What?

Taking all the attention away from me with your... This.

No one's gonna be looking at me.

All eyes will be on you. It's your big day.

I know it's my big day.

I don't want you to be Hulk-y at my wedding.

Promise me, Jen.

Promise?

I promise. I will just show up as regular Jen at your wedding.

-Thank you. -Yeah. Okay. You're okay.

(GASPS)

(SCOFFS)

It's my big day!

(CHUCKLES POLITELY)

Obviously, this is the one time I didn't wanna show up as just Jen.

LULU: Jackson, Sam, Greg, and Mark. They're Adam's groomsmen.

So if everyone's coupled up, do I not have a groomsman?

Jen! We would not leave you hanging like that.

Do you think we want our wedding to look insane? (LAUGHS)

You're gonna be walking with Jonathan. He'll be at the ceremony tomorrow.

Oh, my God! Jonathan! I love him.

Jonathan is literally the best!

Oh! Awesome. Okay!

MALLORY: All right, Mr. Hollis.

MR. IMMORTAL: Uh, Mr. Immortal.

I'm sorry. Didn't you say your name was Craig Hollis?

It is. But I go by Mr. Immortal. It's pithier.

Sure.

Mr. Immortal, you were saying.

Right. Yes, I know that this is not your typical divorce case

but I need you to help me out,

otherwise this settlement could bleed me dry.

Mmm. Divorce is hard.

Yeah. It's not like I didn't try marriage out.

I did. Several times.

In fact, it could be said that no one has tried more than me.

Probably literally.

I'm a good guy. I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings.

But you know, inevitably, things go stale.

But that is a tough conversation.

"I don't want to be married to you anymore.

"I find that you are emotionally suffocating me,

"and you wear weird pajamas."

Can you blame me for walking out into traffic during rush hour

and putting an end to the whole issue right there?

-Wait, what? -Let me get this straight.

Are you saying that instead of having a conversation with your wife,

you kill yourself to get out of the relationship?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't kill myself. I'm immortal. So, I can't die.

You think this woman with a law degree doesn't know

what immortal means?

Well, but in, in my case, I do die, but only in the legal sense.

So you die.

I do, "I die." But only for a... "Kinda die" for... But I do die.

Did you ever feel bad about this tactic?

-Like I said, I'm a nice guy. -You said that.

Yeah, if you have the opportunity,

I think this is the most considerate way to end a marriage.

That's not the word you want.

No, you just don't know how to have any sort of confrontation whatsoever.

Oh, I thought that this...

That lawyers were supposed to not be judgmental.

No, they just have to represent you. I'm tapping out.

Obviously, ending a relationship is hard.

-But so is grieving the death of a spouse. -(ARGUES INDISTINCTLY)

I'm not sure who I should worry about. The government, tax?

Was there an insurance claim?

(NIKKI ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

(GLASS BREAKS)

-(THUDDING) -(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(CAR ALARM BEEPING)

(LIMBS CRACKING)

Well, at least now we know how he does it.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, Jen. Jen. I'm the worst. We haven't even gotten to catch up at all.

How are you? What have you been up to?

Oh, I'm...

Actually, I'm the head of a new department at GLK and H,

which is, like, one of the most prestigious law firms in the country,

and I mean, as you saw, I now have superpowers, which is nuts.

No, I didn't mean... I don't want that.

Are you dating a guy? Is there a boy in your life?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Oh. No. No, no. No.

Oh, no! I'm sorry. You'll find someone. Don't feel bad.

Oh, I don't feel bad.

That's right! You know what, you still have a little time.

Lulu! Team Edward or Jacob?

Oh, my... Let it rest! You know I dated both those actors.

What the hell?

Hey, Jen! So good to see you.

I love that you never make any effort at all.

What are you doing here?

This is my friend's very real wedding! You can't pull your crap here!

Okay. Well, I see the chit-chat is over.

The answer to your extremely rude question

is that I happen to be dating a friend of the groom, and he invited me.

-Titania! -Hey, girl, hey!

You made it! You're so busy, though. You have, like, 5,000 businesses.

-I do. -Yeah.

What? No. No. She has weaseled her way into this wedding to mess with me.

That is so obvious. Why does nobody else see that?

Okay, you're being very loud.

Jen, I hear you. Again. I do.

-But you sound insane right now. -(CHUCKLES)

Titania wouldn't just show up to my wedding,

try and trying to kill you or something.

I'm literally just here to celebrate the love of Lulu and her groom.

-That's all, okay? -LULU: That's so sweet.

Yeah. See? Not everything is about you, Jennifer.

Whatever!

-Sorry. I know this is a little weird. -Oh, sorry.

I haven't perfected the least awkward way to approach a stranger.

JENNIFER: Oh.

-Yeah, could use a little work. -Yeah.

Work on that for the next time I bungle another intro.

-Cool. -I'm Josh.

-Jen. -Bride or groom?

-Bride. I went to high school with Lulu. -Mmm.

-Wow. -Mmm-hmm.

-You? -Groom.

But it all blends together.

-Can I ask you a question? -Yeah.

Did they give you a plus one? I don't understand how they decided.

-Yeah, they didn't, but I don't mind. -Mmm.

See, my plan was to strike up a very normal conversation

with a beautiful woman stuffing her face with candied nuts.

-Oh! -I'm very good at sticking to my plans.

-Yeah. I can tell. -Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, Jen. Oh, my gosh, I'm so happy I found you.

Half the staff is quitting because of "how I'm treating them."

Could you help me clean up around here?

Straighten up? Take up some of these empties, tidy up?

I could use your help. It's on the inside, please?

-Yeah. Yep. -Thank you, Jen.

-Yeah, yeah. -See you later.

Bye.

$75,000 of credit card debt,

and Paul conveniently disappears the day the bill came.

Well, I never saw a dime for raising Spencer Jr. alone for all those years.

I spent $10,000 on a New Orleans jazz funeral

after Arnie accidentally swallowed a cyanide pill.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hear you, believe me.

Can I ask how you all first became aware of Mr. Immortal's

pattern of behavior?

It was because of me.

My friend sent me a link to a video posted on that site, Intelligencia.

The one for hateful man babies?

Yep, that's the one.

You saw this man walk into

a busy intersection and then he gets hit by four different cars.

His body regenerates and then he just gets up and walks away.

I, of course, immediately recognized my idiot husband, Roger.

(WOMEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERS) This is what I was worried about.

Not only did you fake your own death multiple times,

but you also forged multiple fake identities.

Frankly, all of these spouses should be filing criminal charges.

You are lucky you're not in prison.

I will never understand women if I lived to be a... And I will.

Understand this.

I'll get you the best deal under the circumstances.

-Thank you. -Don't touch me.

But let me tell you this. You're gonna have to pay.

Why are you smiling?

It's kinda fun.

HEATHER: No, she'll totally do it. This is such a Jen job.

I make her do stuff like this.

Oh! Hey! So, the groomsmen were playing Mario Kart

and their shirts got wrinkled.

JENNIFER: Oh, my God, from a video game?

Yeah. Video games are sports now. They're on ESPN and everything.

-Yeah. -So you're on ironing duty, right?

-I am? -Yeah. Go bride squad!

Thank you so much. Amazing.

LULU: Jen! Your groomsman is here! HEATHER: Oh, my God! He's here!

Jonathan is here! Jonathan!

BRIDESMAID: Look who you get to walk down the aisle with!

LULU: He's so brave. We had to resuscitate him this morning.

Jonathan, of course.

Um...

Ladies, Sebastian, how about this?

I still have all of those Apple shares I bought in 1981,

plus all the gold left to me by my first wife, Baroness Cromwell.

How about we split it evenly, eight ways, and call it a day?

-Very fair. -Generous and fair.

Then everyone can move on with their lives.

I will draw up the paperwork immediately

-and we will get this all sorted out. -Just a minute.

We were married for 18 years and she was only with him for three.

Why should she get the same amount?

Because I had a kid with this fool.

-Why should I be punished for her mistake? -My son is not a mistake.

You used the word "mistake."

-EX-WIFE 1: I just want my 18 years... -You made a mistake.

Mistake, mistake, mistake.

-Yo, yo, what's going on, my party people? -(OBNOXIOUS HORN EFFECT PLAYING)

-(GUESTS CHEERING) -It's your boy, DJ In-ch-ch-chedible Hulk!

-Let's get it started... -Unbelievable.

...for the new couple!

Hit me with a heavy pour, buddy.

That will be an extra $5.

JENNIFER: Of course.

What else am I gonna do for the next four hours?

(WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS BY ANNIE LENNOX PLAYING)

Okay, I got you. Sebastian, this is what we're gonna do.

You are gonna be reimbursed for the Lake Lawn mausoleum.

Jazz funeral, so chic. I love your style.

Taylor, you will receive backpay for the two years

that you quit your job to help Paul run a rare jade shop in Piedmont.

Cheryll, cash. You want it? You get it.

-Cash money! -Amy.

Yes.

You are going to receive a sincere apology with meaningful eye contact.

-Oh, my God. Thank you. -Lasting at least 15 seconds.

Okay? And remember, everyone. What's our mantra?

-FORMER SPOUSES: Never again! -Yes!

And I feel like that is it. Okay. Mallory?

That all work for you?

Yep. Does... I have a...

(WHISPERS) Is that the absolute best you can do on eye contact?

Amy, that's 20 seconds of eye contact.

That seems interminable.

This got ugly. There's absolutely no doubt about that.

But I truly did love each and every...

ALL: No, save it!

MALLORY: Okay! We are done here.

Ms. Ramos, unconventional and excellent.

EX-WIFE 1: Yes!

-Nice job. -Get me my money, yeah.

-(FORMER SPOUSES CLAMORING) -(CHUCKLES)

Bruce, where are ya?

I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks, or months, or days, or whatever.

Call me back, you ding dong.

CHED: Do not get lazy on me now. Let's get these feet shufflin', baby.

-Josh! I thought Lulu had eaten you. -Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, I'm here.

This is the most fun I've seen you have all Wednesday and Thursday.

Josh. Joshua. Joshinson.

-(JOSH LAUGHS) -It's a good name.

My parents.

-Really? -Yeah.

-They gave you a good face, too. -Oh, did they?

Wow, thank you for that compliment.

I was wondering when you would notice.

I just had my brain on way too much of this wedding stuff,

big dumb marriage, and love...

So you're a romantic? That's what it is?

-I don't actually hate love. -Oh.

I just wanted to come to one wedding

and show that I was actually doing pretty good.

-I don't have a boyfriend or a husband. -Good to know.

Let me tell you a secret. Come here. Listen.

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Okay, so I'm actually doing really so good.

And I have a great job. Lawyering the law.

And I am so strong.

Dude, I'm really strong.

Yeah, I can... It's tight.

Yeah. And you haven't seen what my She-Hulk hair looks like!

Oh, I would love to see it.

-Really? -Yeah.

I can't do it here.

Okay.

You know, everyone is always so...

Saying about how She-Hulk is amazing...

They're always saying it. I wanted to be amazing tonight.

I don't know. I... I think you're pretty great.

You do?

I do.

Oh, no.

-Are you okay? -Oh, no, it's happening.

What's, what's...

(VOMITS)

TITANIA: Yeah, let it out, babe. Let it all out.

(GRUNTS)

Knew it!

Obviously. I literally said this isn't over.

So now I am I'm going to publicly destroy you.

Oh, come on! I won that fair and square. Get over it.

I don't get over anything.

(GROANS)

Are you not gonna turn?

I can take you like this.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

TITANIA: This is just sad.

It's no fun unless you're She-Hulk. Come on!

Why are you so obsessed with me?

I am not obsessed with you. Although it seems like everyone else is.

You don't get to ruin everything for me for something you don't even want.

Something you don't even deserve.

So now I am forced to prove it. So green up!

(SIGHS)

Okay, just this one time I turn She-Hulk.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, no, I forgot how to do it.

This is pathetic.

Ugh! Give me a second!

(TITANIA GRUNTS)

-(OBNOXIOUS HORN PLAYS) -We got a wedding fight!

(ELECTRIC BOOGIE BY MARCIA GRIFFITHS PLAYING)

(GROWLS)

(CROWD GASPS)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

TITANIA: My veneers!

You think this is funny?

Are you showing your 11 followers on Instagram?

Where are you going? And I'm taking this!

This wedding sucks!

(SIGHS)

(OBNOXIOUS HORN SOUNDS)

Oh, Lulu. I know I promised.

She sucker-punched me when I was throwing up. Like, who does that?

Oh, my God.

(SLURRING) She-Hulk is at my wedding?

-Yeah. -I love you so much. I'm a fan.

-Whoa! Huge boobs! -Yes, they're big.

Okay, huge boobs. Congrats. Whatever.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

I love the photobooth here. The guy is so hot.

MALLORY: I mean, I just don't understand

why anyone that afraid of conflict keeps getting married.

Oh, yeah.

And I just can't believe that guy got eight different people to marry him.

You must not be single in Los Angeles.

I have been married a long time.

-You're married? -Eleven years this October.

-What? -The day after my son's birthday. Yeah.

Hold on. You have children? You have a child. You have a kid.

-Mallory Book has... -Enough questions.

-Okay. -Let's see here.

Wait, I gotta look at this.

What is this? She-Hulk...

Hulking? Wait, what the hell?

"Comma, she was so gross.

-"She was 30. Ew!" Okay. -Oh, God.

That's believable.

I just copied and pasted what guys have said to me on the Internet.

Accepted. Hashtag, friends with bros. Okay.

NIKKI: This is... What? What is this? Mal, "How do we kill She-Hulk?"

This is dark. We gotta talk to Jen.

No, we do not. No.

Are you reading this?

Yes. Why would you wanna put that mess in her head?

But some of these are death threats.

MALLORY: Nikki, they're just trolls.

Any attention at all gives them what they want.

Jen is better off. Just let her live her life.

Fine.

It's called Intelligencia and it's all of these, like, memes and death threats.

Okay? But Mallory said not to tell you because

she said it would make you feel bad and we should protect you

and let you live your life. But...

I mean, you know, obviously, I didn't do that.

It's probably nothing.

So, just give me a call when you get this and I love you so much.

(PHONE BEEPS)

-Did we hit? -Yeah, it's hit.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm gettin' in there.

Careful, don't hurt yourself.

I won't. Get a little dip.

(TYPING)

(COMPUTER BEEPING)