Original subtitles

Spring, James!

"Such comfort as do lusty young men feel

"When well-apparell'd April on the heel

"Of limping winter treads

"Even such delight

"Among fresh female buds shall you this night

"Inherit at my house."

Hey! That's Mrs Donovan, isn't it?

Oh, surely not her.

She hasn't got that old dog with her.

What, Roy? He died several months back.

-Did he? -He was 16, you know.

-Was he, really? -Mmm.

It seems like only yesterday the RSPCA man found him

as a starving puppy in that shed. Remember?

Well, then the hound's about to have been put down, if she hadn't taken him in.

You're absolutely right, James. It is her.

What the hell is she giving them?

Heaven only knows! Poor old thing. I bet she misses Roy.

She needs to get another dog.

As you know, James, I don't always share

your obsession with fireside animals, no.

A healthy early morning gallop over the...

Her sitting-room is a bit small for a horse, Siegfried.

James, it's the principle of the thing!

You're forever wanting people to get themselves pets, when what they really need...

Hello, Mrs Donovan! How are you?

Dear Mrs Donovan, I am so sorry to hear about your dog.

Oh, I do miss him, Mr Farnon.

I'm sure you do. The loss of a dear companion after so many years.

You should get yourself a sharp little pony, you know.

Take it exercising over the...

Well, perhaps... Perhaps another dog.

That's what you need. There's nothing like the bond between a dog and its owner.

Don't you agree, James?

Besides, there are plenty of pitiful strays around here

who would respond happily to your inimitable care, Mrs Donovan.

No, Mr Farnon. I'm getting too old to take on a new dog.

No, Roy was definitely me last.

It's time I concentrated on tother animals about.

-Well... -But I did make a difference to that dog, didn't I?

Indeed you did, Mrs Donovan. You gave him a lifetime of happiness.

No one could have done more.

Well... I must be getting on.

That's it. Keep up the good work!

Bye, Mrs Donovan!

Goodbye!

There'll be more problems, Siegfried. Her and her potions.

What she needs is a new dog, James.

I can't think why you didn't back me up.

Yes, remiss of me, that, wasn't it?

-Yes, um... -(MEOWS)

You're hurting him, Mr Farnon!

No, no, just keeping his little claws out of harm's way.

Yes, it's a nasty wound, it's got there.

I think we should put him on some chloramphenicol, just to be on the safe side.

Chloramphenicol?

It's a broad spectrum antibiotic, one we can give orally. Could you...

Antibiotics? Oh, I don't know about that!

It really would be best.

Otherwise the infection might get into his system.

Then we'd have a very sick Marmaduke indeed.

You wouldn't want that, would you?

Of course not, Mr Farnon. But it does seem a bit drastic.

How about dandelion and burdock tea?

-Dandelion and burdock tea? -Oh, aye.

Mrs Donovan says it would be just the thing for Marmaduke.

Yes. Mrs Donovan.

To be honest, I think that Marmaduke would prefer a nice bowl of milk.

-(DOORBELL RINGS) -But...

And these will see him right. He needs one twice a day for a week.

-Are you sure? But, Mr... -Quite sure.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It would seem that our housekeeper is out.

Now just slip them straight down his throat, coated in butter if necessary.

But antibiotic, Mr Farnon, you know Marmaduke is delicate.

He'll be fine. If he's not better by Friday, you bring him back.

(DOORBELL CONTINUES TO RING)

Yes, all right! All right! I've only got one pair of hands!

-(VOCALISING) -TRISTAN: Yes?

Tristy!

Stingy! Ha!

What on earth are you doing here?

Would you believe, I was just passing through on the way to St Andrews,

when the old jalopy died on me!

So I thought, "Why not spend a few days with my old friend, Tristy?"

Why not, indeed... You mean, actually stay here?

Don't worry about it. You know me.

I don't mind slumming it for a few days.

-Good old Stingy... -Is there a problem? Is there?

Well, you know what Siegfried is like.

Still loves me like poison, I suppose.

No, no. After all, he hasn't seen you for 15 years.

But a touch difficult about your friends leading you astray?

Yes, well... He has his moments.

You're not still under big brother's thumb, surely?

Don't be ridiculous! You go upstairs and unpack while I finish surgery.

You know me, Tristy. I'll be as quiet as a mouse!

No one will even know that I am here.

(CAR ENGINE OUTSIDE)

Oh, any chance of a bath, dear boy?

Yes, yes, of course! Just make yourself at home.

-Good morning, Siegfried! -Is it?

Where the devil is the blessed thing?

-What? -My otoscope.

Some idiot's hidden it!

Why don't you try looking where you normally put it? Second drawer down.

Ah! Here it is! Well, you are, Tristan...

If you put something back where it's supposed to be...

I see you've breezed through your surgery, as usual.

I'll have you know I've had a terrible morning.

Mrs Donovan has started nobbling our patients again.

A little more charity, in that direction, if you please, Tristan.

She just lost that old dog of hers.

I mean, fighting with every client.

Someone should have a word with her about it.

You make too much of it. She's just a warm-hearted woman who loves animals.

Pity she doesn't feel the same way about vets.

That calls to make an enemy of her? Her potions are harmless.

So, utilise her. Channel her energies.

While we are on the subject, what about yours?

What do you mean?

About time you were out and about, on your rounds, isn't it?

Do I hear a bath running?

Uh... Yes, I thought I'd have a quick dip before my visits.

Great, heavens. Well, make sure it doesn't run over.

It's... It's your surgery tonight, isn't it?

-Yes, why? -I tell you what. I'll do it.

-What? -It's only fair. I've finished so early and you're so busy...

Well, thank you, Tristan! That's generous of you.

Still, I suppose you can afford to be generous

if you spend half your working day lying in a bath!

It's just a bit tender and swollen back here.

A touch of mastitis. I'm gonna give her a shot of penicillin.

I'm pleased to see you've got the electric laid on since I was last up here.

Oh, aye, Mr Farnon. Nowt's too good for Daisy.

I think the world of that old sow.

Right...

Good girl, behave. It's all right, Daisy.

There. Good girl.

There we go! That should shut her up!

Keep an eye on her, won't you?

Oh, aye. I will that.

-Working late? -Uh-huh.

Helen's doing the church flowers, so I thought I'd catch up on all this.

Good idea!

What about old Siegfried, eh?

What about old Siegfried?

He's been in bit of a foul mood lately, hasn't he?

Well, I was with him all morning. He was fine.

I think it's a bit much the way he's been treating me.

You'd think I was just a lazy layabout!

If you're doing surgery, shouldn't you have started?

-I'm just drawing breath, that's all. -Uh-huh.

Really, it's too much, Mr Tristan! It's too much.

Leaving the bathroom like a pig-sty!

Wet towels all over the place, talcum powder in the bath... Whatever next?

Surely one bath a week is enough for anyone.

Talcum powder?

-Well, um... -Not quite your style, is it?

No, I just happen to have someone staying, that's all.

-An old college chum. -Oh, that's good!

Anyone I know?

I doubt you'd remember him. Oh, well. Back to the grindstone.

For God's sake, don't forget to tell Mrs Alton.

Yes, all in the fullness of time.

And Siegfried.

Yes, well, Siegfried could be a bit tricky actually, James.

Oh, my God, it's not, um...

What was it Siegfried used to call him? Prince Monolulu?

Yes. As a matter of fact, it is St John.

And it has nothing whatsoever to do with Siegfried.

What are you talking about? He's like a red rag to a bull where Siegfried is concerned.

As you should know, James, bulls cannot discriminate colours,

the retinae of such mammals do not contain cones

sensitive to the primary colours.

You really amaze me, Tristan, the way you and St John whiled away your college days,

and you've learnt so much about the mammalian eye!

-James... -Go back to work, Tristan.

And get rid of St John before Siegfried finds out.

Yes. Don't worry. It's only for a few days. No one will ever know.

(SIGHS)

-James! How divine! -St John.

Care for a snifter before supper?

No, thanks. I'm still working.

-Oh, dear. Poor old you. -Yeah.

Well...

-Seen Tristy? -"Tristy" is still working too, actually.

Dear, dear. Siegfried really does have the whip out, doesn't he?

Never mind. I'll catch up with him later.

Probably won't be back until the small hours.

You found the local poker school, have you?

Mmm. Care to invest a few bob?

No, thanks.

Yeah, well. Dear, dear!

I must dress! Toodle-pip!

Toodle-pip.

All right. Who's first?

Oh! Good evening! I don't believe we've met before.

No. I'm Miss Brocklehurst.

-I've just moved to Darrowby. -Mmm.

I'm Tristan Farnon. One of the partners. Come through!

And what have we here?

Oh! How interesting!

I need your advice, Mr Farnon.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

What seems to be the problem?

Please, um...

It is clean.

Thank you.

I feel so silly getting upset over a tortoise. But you get so attached.

Of course! And so you should!

Tortoises are very lovable creatures.

What makes you think it's unwell?

Well, whenever I talk, his head usually pops out.

But now there's no response at all.

It just sits there! What's wrong, Mr Farnon?

Um... Come over here and sit down for a moment.

You will excuse me. A cat I operated on earlier... I just have to check it.

I won't be a moment. You will forgive me,

but I wouldn't like the poor thing to come around

from the anaesthetic unattended.

Oh, no, please, you must go at once!

James! What do you know about tortoises?

Tortoises? Reptiles. Very ancient order of...

...uncommonly known as Chelonia.

Thanks! That's a lot of help!

-What do you want to know? -About their illnesses!

What do you think I want to know?

Their racing form?

James! This is serious. She is very anxious.

Oh, I remember. Yes, the textbooks say

they are often owned by young, attractive, gullible females.

-James! -Sorry.

-What's wrong with it? -If I knew that, I wouldn't be standing here, would I?

Well, I'm not an expert on tortoises.

I bet there isn't a vet in the whole of the British Isles who is.

Oh, God! Maybe there's something in one of these.

In the record?

Look, you go and take the history while I have a look.

What, take over in the middle of a consultancy?

James...

Tristan, I was hoping to get this finished tonight, you see.

We wouldn't want her to think we're not interested

just because it's not a farm animal, would we?

Oh, and, James, the owner is very upset.

So, ooze confidence.

Yes, speaking of which,

your invisible friend says not to expect him till the early hours.

Oh, him. I've got more important things on my mind.

Ah, the joys of true love, again.

What seems to be the problem with your tortoise?

Well, I don't think she was really ready to come out of hibernation.

Yes. That could well be the case.

Is she eating?

-Did you find what you wanted? -No.

Hmm. It does feel a bit light.

Um, you mentioned you recently moved here?

Yes.

Well, that has obviously disturbed your tortoise,

and, uh, woken it out of its hibernation.

I'll give it a vitamin injection.

This should perk its appetite up.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

I will require some assistance. Thank you, James.

What?

Excuse me.

-Could you... -Could I what?

A leg, James. We need a leg.

Which particular leg did you have in mind?

Doesn't seem too keen to show a leg, Tris.

Here, let me.

Oh, well done! Well done!

Now, it's used up, practically all of its food store.

So it's important

not to let it slip back into hibernation.

Also, it's imperative that you keep it warm.

In fact, the night air can be rather dangerous for it.

Extremely dangerous.

So if you wouldn't mind finishing up here for me, James,

while I pop them both back?

-How can I refuse? -Thank you very much.

-Ah. Thank you. -Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks!

Thank you.

Oh, you're back early.

Yes. Found myself a bit short of the old readies.

I don't suppose you could, um...

I don't suppose I need to ask what this is for.

One has to earn a living using whatever skills one has.

What skills? As I recall, you used to mark the deck. Here we are.

Is that all?

What do you expect? I'm a vet, not a banker!

Better than nothing, I suppose.

You fancy coming with me?

You're not going back there, surely?

Lady Luck doesn't seem to be smiling your way.

Tactics, dear boy! Tactics!

You let them think you're a loser,

then when their defences are down... Whammo!

Yes, you can count me out.

Tortoises?

Yes. I've got one that is off his food.

You don't know anything about them, do you?

-Oh, right there. Yes! -Really?

Shiny little cow-pats with legs at each corner.

Still not responding, Mr Farnon.

Well, you mustn't worry, Miss Brocklehurst.

It can take them some time to get going once their hibernation's been disturbed.

I'd still appreciate it if you could have another look.

The advice you gave yesterday was so...expert.

Oh! You can't realise what a treat this is for me.

In fact, tortoises are a special interest of mine.

How wonderful!

Unfortunately, this practice doesn't give me much chance to pursue it.

"Miss Brocklehurst" sounds so formal...

Oh, please. Do call me Rosemary.

And I'm Tristan.

You see, sometimes mucus forms and it seals the mouth, so...

(BARKING)

So try washing around the mouth with water...

-Or maybe even some milk... -(BARKING CONTINUES)

Hadn't you better see to that dog, Tristan?

Sounds as though it's in agony.

It's just Sam. He always makes that racket when he comes in here.

Yes, but how can you be sure? Maybe he's had an accident.

Yes, I'll just have a look. Just in case.

-Morning, Mr Carter! -Hello, Mr Farnon.

I thought it was Sam. Not too pleased to see me, are you?

Yes, well, I'll, um... Yes.

-(BARKING CONTINUES) -It's nothing to worry about.

-Nothing? -No, it's just that he remembers it was me who...

-Oh! -Yes...

Well, perhaps if you gave him something to eat...

It's exactly what I was about to suggest. Won't be a moment.

You, leave those be, Mr Tristan!

They're still hot, bad for the digestion!

Just a bit peckish, Mrs A!

There should be some in the larder,

where all the food's gone the past day is beyond me.

No sooner do I finish one lot of bacon then the tin is empty.

It can't be Mr Farnon. He's not back from his rounds yet,

and neither is Mr Herriot.

I don't know. Always dropping things!

If it's not the bathroom, it's the larder.

Patient's waiting!

I suppose you think I have nothing better to do

than pick up after you all day!

(BARKING)

This should cheer him up.

Oh, yes. A bit of bribery usually works with dogs.

Look what uncle's got for you!

(GASPS)

Yes. Well, that didn't really do much good.

Certainly harbours a grudge. Nearly took my hand off!

Oh, Tristan! That must hurt!

Oh...not much.

Well, it's my fault. Perhaps I should bathe it for you?

No, no, really. It's nothing.

You mustn't feel guilty. It's all in a day's work for a vet.

Well, I mustn't take up any more of your time.

It's a pleasure. And I can't tell you how grateful I am

for the opportunity of examining your tortoise.

I think it might be an idea to perform an examination in the home environment.

Have you the time to spare?

Well, this is strictly confidential...

Well, I won't tell a soul.

But I'm preparing a paper for the Royal Veterinary Society on tortoises.

And I need some data about their domestic situations.

If I could be of any assistance... You've been so kind to us.

Would this evening be convenient?

You're very busy.

You know me, Mr Herriot. I'm not the one to grumble.

No!

I don't know where it all comes from.

Sometimes I think we must be taking in washing.

Just look at this! Another new one! Would you credit it?

More suited to goings-on in London, if you ask me.

Would you like a cup, Mrs Alton?

I have no time for tea, Mr Herriot.

Ah, tea. Thank you very much, James.

Any more orders while I'm here?

Well, if you insist.

Mrs Alton doesn't take sugar, Tris.

Here we are. One nice, hot cup of tea.

-Thank you. -New shirt, Tris?

Mrs Alton was saying she hasn't actually kept eyes on that one before.

-I was just about to explain actually, James... -Oh, really?

My dear lady! How can I ever thank you for all your hospitality?

You never told me you had someone staying!

You mean you didn't tell this delightful lady that

there was an extra mouth to feed, Tristan?

-Well, I... -Tristan has been very uh, preoccupied, haven't you?

My dear lady, I am mortified to think that my staying here

may in any way have inconvenienced you.

Not in the least.

Yes, you see, St John just turned up on the doorstep

late last night. Well, very late.

And he's leaving again this morning. Aren't you, St John?

Well, it's very thoughtful of you. I love flowers.

Are you working in Darrowby?

Oh, yes. You didn't actually mention why you were here, St John.

I'm not allowed to divulge the nature of my work.

Oh! For the Government, I suppose.

Got it in one, Mrs Alton.

Something along the lines of the South Sea Bubble, isn't it?

I'll say goodbye now, Singe. You won't be here when I get back.

Actually, I thought I might stay for lunch. If it's not too much trouble.

No, it's no trouble at all. Have a nice piece of steak.

I'm sure Mr Tristan won't mind making do with a cheese sandwich.

You know, Tris, you'll get your just desserts in heaven!

After all, we must all do whatever we can to help the Government.

(DAISY GRUNTING)

What do you think, Mr Farnon?

She's no better, is she?

Yeah, she's not as good as I'd have expected.

I'd like to try a different antibiotic.

I thought she weren't looking too good.

Best get Mr Farnon back, I thought.

I was told you were over at Harley's,

so I thought you wouldn't mind popping in.

No, not at all.

I was that worried when I noticed her back end were all oozing pus.

You're absolutely right, Mr Carter.

You see, she's developed metritis, that's the inflammation of the womb.

The two conditions often go together.

This should clear it up for her.

I say! You're looking very smart. Are you out for the evening?

Just off to see a patient.

-Emergency? -No, no, a routine call.

That's very conscientious at this time of day.

Well, one does one's best to live up to the responsibilities

of being a partner.

Highly commendable, Tristan.

-I say. Look at that! Isn't Mrs Alton wonderful? -Mmm.

Now, then, don't you rush back.

If you're not here by the end of surgery, I'll hold the fort.

Oh, thanks, Siegfried! Oh, no! Actually, I do have to be back.

A friend's coming around.

Oh, really? Anyone I know?

Uh, no... Well, not actually a friend.

Someone from college. A clinical pathologist.

A clinical pathologist? Now, that's just the sort of fellow I need to see,

have a word with him about Carter's pigs!

What a slice of luck!

Tristan! How kind of you to call!

Oh, it's my pleasure entirely.

Oh, your poor hand. You must be in agony.

Oh, it only needed a few stitches. After you.

Oh...

I, um, brought these for...

Um... For him.

It's not a him!

It's a her!

Yes. Esmeralda.

Can't you tell the difference between boy tortoises and girl tortoises, Mr Farnon?

Well, of course I know the difference between boy...

Between male and female tortoises...

It was just a manner of speaking.

Mrs Donovan's very kindly offered to look after Esmeralda,

so she doesn't get lonely while I'm at work.

Exactly my feeling!

I think that until Esmeralda regains her appetite,

it would be best if we kept her at the surgery.

Nay!

She needs 24-hour observation by a qualified veterinary surgeon.

If you think it's the right thing.

Oh, absolutely. There's no question about it.

Rubbish! What Esmeralda needs is company!

She needs to be talked to. Constantly!

Now, come on, be a good girl and eat your dinny-winny

so Mummy-wummy will think I'm wonderful.

Now, where was I?

Yes. So the beautiful princess kissed the ugly frog...

And he turned into a handsome prince and they lived happily ever after.

What on earth are you doing?

It's a tortoise. Esmeralda. She needs, uh, talking to.

Have you gone completely taken leave of your...

A tortoise! Yes! I can see that it might... It might need talking to!

It's curious I don't recall anybody local owning a tortoise. Whose is it?

Brocklehurst. But you wouldn't...

Brocklehurst. Brocklehurst. Can't put a face to that name.

New. Just moved here.

Oh, Miss Brocklehurst?

Tristan, admirable as it is,

your giving so much of your valuable time to this creature,

do bear in mind the importance of professional detachment.

Never allow yourself to become over-involved with a patient.

There's only so much a vet can do, you know.

Tell me, what time is your friend arriving?

Friend?

From college? The pathologist.

Oh, he can't make it. He left a note.

A note? Oh. What a pity. Well, that's a hell of a shame.

Anyway, Tristan, face up to it.

Tortoises do not thrive in our climate.

Especially the northern part of it.

Chances are that Esmeralda will be dead in the morning.

Did you hear that?

Oh! You beauty!

St Vitus' dance, Tristy?

Did Siegfried see you?

Is he about? I ought to go and say hello!

No, no, if he sets eyes on you, you're out on your ear.

Well, I wouldn't want that. Not when you've made me so very comfortable.

-Good night, Tristan! -Good night, Siegfried.

Tristan, listen, I wouldn't mind

a second opinion on Carter's pig... Oh!

Your friend arrived after all! I'm so sorry I didn't hear you get here.

How do you do? I'm Siegfried Farnon. I'm delighted to meet you!

I understand you were at college with my brother.

Haven't we met somewhere before?

I don't think so.

I want to pick your brains...

No, Siegfried. This isn't him.

No?

No, this is a friend of Miss Brocklehurst,

come to see about the tortoise.

Oh, I see.

I feel sure that I've seen you somewhere before.

Must have been around Darrowby, I suppose.

Well, I'm quite certain the tortoise will respond to my brother's ministrations.

Aye, I've every confidence in him.

Well, I'll wish you both a very good evening.

(SIEGFRIED WHISTLES)

Now, look here, Stingy, you've outstayed your welcome.

It's time you went!

-Would that I could, old boy! -Why not?

You remember the old jalopy?

Oh, no, don't tell me, it's not the big end...

Afraid not. Lost it in a poker game.

You lost a car in a poker game?

Listen, don't worry, I've got a tip for the gee-gees tomorrow.

It's a dead cert at 100 to one.

All I need is a little bit of stake money.

-(SIGHS) -I don't suppose that...

Yes, yes, if it's the only way of getting rid of you!

Now, here, that's your lot. You'll have to push off!

But where would I go, Tristy, dear friend?

That, dear friend, is your headache!

Tonight? Out into the cold?

Well, all right! But first thing in the morning!

And for heaven's sake, stay out of Siegfried's way!

-I'll bring your breakfast up. -Anything you say, old boy.

Do you know, Stingy never was any trouble.

Heavens!

I'm not having a thing like that in my kitchen!

Hello, Mrs Alton. It's hard to believe it's spring.

My word! That's the stuff to set a man up on a day like this!

Sausages, bacon, egg, fried bread... My word!

Should I do some for you, Mr Farnon?

No, no, Mrs Alton, thank you very much.

I've already had my breakfast, seems like hours ago.

Oh, hello, my dear boy! Did Esmeralda give you a disturbed night?

Things are really looking up, Siegfried.

I've got her eating out of the palm of my hand.

You won't believe how affectionate she can be.

Oh, Tristan, you always did have a way with the ladies.

I think I'm home and dry with her.

Wonderful news!

TRISTAN: Have we got any lettuce, Mrs A?

Lettuce? Whatever for?

Esmeralda's breakfast.

MRS ALTON: Now you've gone too far.

I will not stay in a house of ill repute!

Mrs Alton, whatever is the matter?

I'm a respectable widow, Mr Farnon. I have my reputation to think of.

It's not the extra work. I'd accept that for the Government.

-Government? -But now a woman has spent the night in this house,

and her seducer

has the effrontery to come into my kitchen and order her breakfast.

And lettuce! Whoever heard of such a thing?

But, my dear Mrs Alton, Esmeralda is a tortoise!

Well, how was I to know?

(SIEGFRIED LAUGHS)

Mrs Alton, where is she?

Outside, where it belongs!

It's unhygienic to have a thing like that in the kitchen!

Oh, no!

She's retracted!

Oh, you don't want to pay too much attention to them, you know.

Especially that young Mr Farnon.

He means well, I suppose. But no experience.

Morning.

Now, pull yourself together, Tristan.

There are other clients out there.

And don't forget you and I are going out to Carter's at noon.

I need a second opinion, even if it is yours.

Oh. Concentrating on intensive care, are we?

Our clients will be pleased.

Oh, yes, another of your clients wants to see you.

Oh, Mr Carter.

What on earth is Carter doing here?

We're both going out to see him at noon!

I didn't know that yesterday, did I? And Sam...

Oh, you're seeing Sam, is it?

I thought it was more of a psychological problem, really,

and that James could deal with it far better than I.

Uh, this particular client insisted on seeing you, actually.

It is your surgery, James.

Come on, Tristan, buck up!

If Carter wants to see you, then you it is! Off you go!

It's not Carter. It's Mrs Donovan.

She's come to give Tristan a second opinion on Esmeralda.

This we must see!

Mrs Donovan?

I'm not satisfied with the treatment Esmeralda's getting.

You're not satisfied? I was up half the night talking to her!

-Half the night. -Talking's not enough, Mr Farnon.

It's the aura.

The aura's not right here.

Tortoises are very sensitive creatures.

The wrong aura disturbs their systems.

Your aura, Mr Farnon. It's not right. It's all black and gloomy.

Do you know, Mrs Donovan, I believe you've put your finger absolutely on it.

Young Mr Farnon's disposition would drive the devil away.

Not drive away, Mr Farnon!

Invite devil into the black aura.

Oh, my God.

You'll have to change your aura, Mr Farnon.

Right...

Think beautiful thoughts.

Go on.

Beautiful thoughts!

Well, thank you very much, Mrs Donovan,

I'll certainly bear it in mind.

Now, if you don't mind, we're rather busy...

Oh!

Must be the aura getting to me.

I'm sensitive to the aura, you see.

-Mr Herriot? -No, thanks, Mrs Donovan.

Now, then... Ah, here it is.

Will you be in for lunch, Mr Farnon?

No, Mrs Alton. No time for lunch today.

Well, could I pack you something up, then?

Well, I must say that pie does look very tempting.

Something else to go with it?

-Is that Wensleydale? -It is.

-Fresh? Oh! -Certainly!

You might bamboozle humans with your fancy talk, Mr Farnon,

but you can't fool the animals.

They know when you don't know what's wrong with them!

-(LOUD BARKING) -I assure you I'm not bamboozling you...

Oh, no!

Beautiful thoughts, Tris. Beautiful thoughts.

Now, now, here, Mrs Donovan, is a case

that I desperately need your expertise on.

Oh?

Uh, Mr Carter, this is Mrs Donovan.

Oh, aye.

JAMES: Mr Morton, you're next.

She's an expert on cases like this. She really understands dogs.

Do you know owt about pigs?

Aye! Don't fret!

JAMES: Well, what's Lady done to herself?

-Her leg is broke. -Thank God for that.

Come on, Lady, on the table. There's a good girl.

Up we go. That's the way. There's a good dog.

Oh, it's all right, darling.

No, the problem isn't here.

-Well, yeah, it is. -Oh... Ah-ha!

Yes, here's the problem, Mr Morton. She's sprained her shoulder.

Nay, her leg's broke, Mr Herriot. Probably kicked by a cow.

No, no, no. It's a sprained shoulder, that's all.

Probably running away from cows.

Her leg's broke, Mr Herriot. Mrs Donovan says so.

Mr Morton, I assure you, her leg is not broken.

Mrs Donovan is expert on dogs. Mr Farnon said so, didn't you?

Any chance of a bite of brekkies for poor old Stingy?

Out!

Right madhouse in here!

Now, you need to keep her off this leg for a few days, Mr Morton.

And away from cows.

She needs putting in plaster!

-I'm getting it! Just stay up there! -St JOHN: What?

What? What did you say?

Um... Yes, I know, I took your advice...

You know, channel the energies.

I matched Mrs Donovan with Sam. That should keep her quiet for a bit.

Splendid! Splendid! Well, there you are, you see, Tristan.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Make a virtue of necessity!

And kill two birds with one stone!

Mrs Alton.

I'll have my breakfast now, Mrs A.

(CHUCKLES) You'll not. Mr Farnon's eaten it!

Siegfried?

(STAMMERS) I wasn't going to stand here and let it go cold. You were in your bath.

Well, isn't there any more?

No, (STAMMERS) don't be a jerk. Tempus fugit, Tristan!

Mrs Alton's about her work, so should you be.

Don't forget that I'm coming back here to collect you at noon.

I suppose you might manage to be properly dressed by then.

Thank you, Mrs Alton.

(GROANS)

Well?

Ah. You go on ahead.

I'd value your objective opinion about that sow.

You wouldn't want Carter to get the impression that

you have to be supervised, would you?

She seems to be on the mend, Mr Farnon.

-Mmm! She's fine. -But then again...

Really, Mr Carter. Now, the litter...

Oh, don't you worry about them.

Mrs Donovan's got them on bottle.

-Mmm. Well, Mrs Donovan! -Mr Farnon.

Quite a task you've taken on here.

Oh, I can cope, Mr Farnon. Don't you worry.

(PIGLET SQUEALING)

Watch what you're doing.

Mr Farnon knows I'm an expert.

Calls me in on all his difficult cases.

Don't you worry, Mr Farnon. We all make mistakes.

(SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

# King of kings! And Lord of lords!

# He shall reign forever and ever!

-(VOCALISING) - # Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

# Hallelu-jah! #

Mrs Donovan's there.

You'll have to do something, Siegfried.

You've eaten lunch!

There's nothing makes one hungrier than singing.

But it was me that missed breakfast.

Tristan, if you will have your little lie-ins, what do you expect?

(SIGHS)

(DOG BARKING)

Is that Sam I can hear?

Yes. She's dealing with him now.

He won't distract her for long.

Tristan, Mrs Donovan is not all that hard to deal with.

(BARKING STOPS)

There you are... You see? She certainly has a knack with dogs.

-You take that. -Mmm.

Now, come on. Come on, come on You go and deal with her.

What a view. Heaven on earth.

Come on! Come on!

# For He shall reign forever and ever

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #

(VOCALISES DEATH MARCH TUNE)

There, there, my lovely. Don't you excite yourself.

They don't mean you no harm.

Observe the hand of experience, Tristan.

There... There...

Mrs Donovan! Well done! You've performed another of your miracles on Sam.

Aye, I have made a difference to that dog, haven't I, Mr Farnon?

Indeed you have, Mrs Donovan.

You have a unique way with animals.

Unique. Siegfried?

That's my lunch.

Regard it as a sacrificial lamb, Tristan.

Well, then, Mr Carter, how's your sow?

Not too bad, Mr Farnon.

Good.

Not too good neither, mind.

I've already started them on my special potion.

SIEGFRIED: Well, that's just splendid, Mrs Donovan.

Well, I should've thought all they needed was diluted cow's milk as usual.

Oh, no, no, Mr Farnon. I know what's best.

I'm sure she's right, Mr Farnon.

Siegfried...

If you weren't so full of carrots,

you'd realise they think you're endorsing her treatment.

You've got to say something, Siegfried!

Oh, real nonsense, Tristan! This is the 1950s, not the Dark Ages!

This is the age of science and technology.

And look around you! Electricity in a piggery, infrared lamps,

antibiotics available to even the humblest of of our new Majesty's subjects.

Thanks to the Nation Health Service.

Who on earth is ever going to believe in Mrs Donovan's witchcraft?

They are, for a start.

Mrs Donovan, I greatly admire your handling of these animals.

One cannot better a kind voice and a calm hand.

No question of that. No question at all.

But as for this excellent lady's potions,

they are no more and no less than pretty colourings and fragrances,

offering what we call the placebo effect.

They're quite harmless and completely useless.

Now, what these piglets actually need

is ordinary supplement feeding, if the nature to be allowed to take its course.

Useless, are they? These potions served my mother and her mother before her!

I'm sure my brother did not mean to insult you, Mrs Donovan.

I think he was inferring is that what is needed here is a controlled experiment.

What?

To assess, scientifically, the relative merits of the respective treatments.

Wouldn't you say so, Siegfried?

So, shall we say that one half of the piglets

get the diluted milk,

as per Mr Farnon's advice,

while the other half get the milk with Mrs Donovan's potion added.

Thank you, Tristan.

You see? He hasn't got anything to give 'em.

Well, it just so happens that I have got another treatment.

Now, Mr Carter, I want you to ensure that three drops

of this liquid is added to the milk of each piglet

that is not receiving Mrs Donovan's potion. Is that quite clear?

Aye.

And we shall see which treatment stands the test of science.

Oh, yes, you're beautiful, aren't you?

She's out! Helen, you're a miracle worker!

Just one of my many talents.

Oh, face that would launch 1,000 hearts!

-God! -Hello, St John.

I thought you'd gone.

Not without saying farewell.

So where are you off to?

Well, I found another billet. It's a bit plain, but comfortable enough.

No chance of my 12 quid back, I suppose?

I'm afraid not, old boy. Lady Luck has deserted me yet again.

-Her leg's a lot better, too, don't you think? -Aye, I do.

I have to admit, Mr Morton, it gave me grave cause for concern.

In case I'd made a mistake.

We all make 'em. The important thing is to admit to 'em.

There's no need to apologise.

Nay, Mr. Herriot, we all make mistakes as you say.

Yes, but what I meant was the...

Anyway, I'm very glad she's better.

It's amazing, isn't it, how quickly animals can recover from such serious injuries?

-Aye. Bone marrow jelly. -Sorry?

It's the cure all right. Mrs Donovan's.

Oh, hello, Esmeralda! She's looking up at me!

I'm sure she's very happy to be back home with you, Rosemary, as I...

You'll never guess what's happened. I found a mate for Esmeralda.

Oh!

Come and meet him.

That is good news, Rosemary, because... Well, all of us need a mate.

-This is Maxi. -Oh!

And this is Maxi's owner.

What on earth are you doing here?

You know, Tristy, you gave me the idea in the first place.

Oh, you know each other?

Yes, we're chums from veterinary college.

You didn't tell me you're a vet, St John.

-Perhaps that's because he never qualified. -Oh.

No, no, I realised very early on that these clumsy, masculine hands

weren't suited for the job of ministering to delicate animals.

So, I gave my place to one more worthy.

Managed to get your old jalopy back, I see,

despite your impecunious state.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I didn't know you and the Lord were on such good terms.

Oh, beautiful, aren't they?

They're a present from Tristan.

Are they? Are they really?

Yes...

Well, now that I've returned Esmeralda to her old self,

I really ought to be getting back to my other patients.

I'll see myself out.

Oh, Tristan, thank you so much for all your wonderful help.

Your hand. It's better.

Yes. Yes...

It's a...a new wonder-drug.

Cheerio.

(GROANS)

To think I was nursing a viper to my bosom.

Why, it's a very sobering lesson, Tris.

Choose your friends with care.

Good job Siegfried didn't tumble in. The fat would really have been in the fire.

SIEGFRIED: What? How are you? MAN: How are you, sir?

What fat's in what fire?

Uh, um...

Oh, James was talking about Mrs Donovan interfering with our patients.

Oh, good heavens, Tristan!

Well, honestly, I'm surprised that you're pursuing such a childish vendetta!

It could be damaging, Siegfried. Mr Morton was saying...

Oh, rubbish, James!

She's absolutely harmless!

You didn't seem to think so at old Carter's.

It's a good job I organised that scientific experiment

to show up her potions for what they really are.

What experiment?

Well, you see, one half of the piglets get Mrs Donovan's potion

and the other half get Siegfried's.

Oh, that's a good idea! What was your potion?

Distilled water, James.

Which, of course, won't do anything.

Precisely so. So when both sets of piglets thrive equally well,

I shall use it as an example

to demonstrate the total inefficacy of her ideas

to all the farmers in the neighbourhood.

Ah! And suppose her piglets do better than yours?

My dear James, Mrs Donovan's potions couldn't influence the well-being of a fly.

Now, then, Mr Carter! How are the piglets?

MR CARTER: Oh, champion, Mr Farnon! Champion!

They're fine. Couldn't be better.

See? All's well that ends well.

MR CARTER: Mind you...

The ones you treated all died.