All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S01E18 - The Apartment.eng.SDH

So, again, your alibi is…
A mysterious stranger

handed you the gun, made
you put your prints on it,

robbed the store, and then
hid the gun in your underpants?

Well, yeah, if you say it like
that, it don't sound believable.

Oh, hey, Captain.

Did you get my report
on the Finley murder?

Uh, yeah. I looked it over. Nice work.

Good. Thanks, Dad.

Why is everyone staring at me?

You just called Captain Holt "Dad".

You said, "Thanks, Dad."

What? No, I didn't.
I said, "Thanks, man."

Do you see me as a
father figure, Peralta?

No.
If anything, I see you as a bother figure,

'cause you're always bothering me.

Hey. Show your father some respect.

I didn't call him "Dad"!

No, no, no, no. Jacob.

I take it as a compliment.

It's not a big deal.
I called Vivian "Mom" once,

and she's my fiancée.

Guys, jump on that!

Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.

Old news. But you calling Holt "Daddy"…

Hey. "Daddy" is not on the table here.

But you did call him "Dad", dude.

You shut up. You've done
nothing but lie since you got here.

All right, all right.
I was lying about the hold-up.

But the "Dad" thing? That happened.

Ah-ha!

He admitted that his alibi was a lie.

It was a trap.
All part of my crazy, devious plan.

I believe you.

Thank you. Son.

You want to talk about it
later over a game of catch?

I'd like that.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

HOLT: Thank you for
coming in on your day off.

I know you'd all rather be at home,

but binge-watching media content.

Oh! I just started the second
season of media content.

No spoilers.

But these evaluations are important.

Sir, I think I speak for all of us…

ALL: She doesn't.

When I say that we can't wait for you

to sit in judgment of us.

Oh, these will be
self-evaluations, Santiago.

Why… Uh-zuh. Very wise, sir.

Nice save.

Also, please stay out of the
way of the weekend squad.

They are on duty and
the bullpen is theirs.

I hate the weekend squad.

Detective Lohank shaves at my desk

and gets hair all over my computer.

My "R" key is jammed with stubble.

Well, that explains the email you sent

about the "gue-some muduh."

Dismissed.

I'm pumped for these evaluations, sir.

I can't wait to hear what you
have to say about my squad.

I think they've had a great year.

I feel like a proud mama hen

whose baby chicks have learned to fly.

Interesting analogy, Sergeant.

Chickens are famously bad at flying.

Yo.

JEFFORDS: Peralta asked to be first,

which shows how seriously
he's begun taking his job.

Nope, I just want to get this over with.

So, I have 72 arrests,

and 80% clearance rate,

but most importantly,

I wore a tie sometimes.

Now, I have a question for you.

Is there any way I can borrow $430,000?

Why on earth do you need that much money?

I need to buy my apartment.

I've been living at my nana's place

since she passed away

because it's rent-controlled,

but now, the building's going co-op,

so I have to buy it.

I need to secure a loan
by the end of the day.

Uh, so, should we do a wire transfer

or do you think cash is easier?

Let's just do cash.

Shouldn't you be asking somebody
else for that kind of money?

Like a bank?

Yeah, I tried that.

[LAUGHING]

GINA: Jake, I cannot believe

you're going to lose Nana's apartment.

We grew up together.

We used to hang out
there every day after school.

That's right.
Because there was no one to look after us.

Because our moms both worked and…

[INHALES]

…we didn't have fathers.

Because divorce.

Peralta, I will not
give you a cool half mil

because you had a slightly sad childhood.

Go solve your housing crisis.

Can I go with him?

Nana made me the intelligent,
sensuous woman I am today.

Weird way to describe a
grandma's influence on you.

I'm sorry, Gina.
I don't know that we can spare you.

Um, these are her notes so far.

"Empanadas, Atlantic
City, birth control."

No, that's my travel journal.

I haven't started on the notes yet.

You may go with Peralta.

BOTH: Thank you.

I want to take Vivian
somewhere romantic tonight.

How about this?

Graziolo's for the Porco Digestivo meal.

It's a culinary tour of
a pig's digestive tract.

Uh, pig bung gelato for two, anyone?

Uh-oh. Heads up. Weekend crew.

BOYLE: I feel sad for you.

I love my desk buddy.

Sometimes, Detective Kearns
and I leave presents for each other.

Yeah, well, Lohank's a stubble monkey.

I hate him and his face garbage.

BOYLE: Why don't you just tell
him to stop shaving at his desk?

He denies even doing it.
I don't know why.

Next time I catch him
shaving, I'm gonna punch him

so hard in the mouth,
he bites his own heart.

Could that be why he denies doing it?

Oh, yeah. You could be right. Yeah.

GINA: Oh, wow.

It is always so crazy coming back here.

Remember when Nana got cable?

We watched House Party 2 so many times.

It was a pajama-jama-jam.
We had no choice.

Our hands were tied.

I've got to say, I'm psyched
to be hanging like this,

old school "stylez."

"Stylez" with a "Z."

Oh, I could tell. [LAUGHS]

Okay, well, maybe we can figure
out a way for you to afford this place.

Where's all your bank statements?

Up-up, before we get all financial,

can I interest you in
an ice-cold "foh-dy"?

Aiight.

So, talk to me, goose.
How are we looking?

Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard.

Like, sure, we're trying,
but it's almost effortless.

Yeah, no, I knew all of that.
I meant the money thing.

Oh. My first impression is that you
have a debilitating spending problem.

Mmm-hmm.
Jake, you have six massage chairs.

Well, they don't make a massage couch.

Okay, but you also have three turntables.

Ooh, yeah. I'm learning how to spin.

Check it out.

[KLEZMER MUSIC PLAYING]

All I have are my grandma's
old Klezmer records,

and I still haven't quite figured
out how to sync up the beats,

but it's not bad, right?

It's awful. It sounds like Joy
Behar falling down some stairs.

Okay.
You also purchased Olympus Has Fallen

on-demand 12 times.

Was it a difficult
movie for you to follow?

Nope, just watched it a lot.

So, hit me.

How much do I have to cut
back in order to keep this place?

Infinity percent.

Technically speaking,
you're bankrupt, kiddo.

That sounds bad.

It is bad. I only said "kiddo"
to soften the blow, kiddo.

This is so unfair.
I've lived in this building 15 years

and then, all of a sudden, they decide
they're going co-op with zero warning?

It seems illegal they didn't
tell you this was happening.

Well, it's possible I missed
a letter, but I doubt it.

Ooh. Let's check the mail tub.

Mail tub?

Nope. No. No.

See? It's impossible to find
anything in here. It's not my fault.

This is actually a cool little bathroom.

Nice claw-foot tub.

Which I will never
throw my mail into again.

Unless…

I didn't wanna do this, but I do know
one way we could get the money.

You'd make a decent prostitute.

I'd make an amazing prostitute,

but I was actually talking
about this guy I know, Frank.

He's kind of skeevy, but he
will loan money to anybody.

So, he's a loan shark.

Maybe you're not thinking this through.

Says the woman who's
been engaged eight times.

Uh, but never married once.

Game, set, match. Linetti.

Well, it's the only choice I have.

So, let's go.

JEFFORDS: Sir, I know
we got off to a weird start.

So, to get things back on track,

I'd like to bring in Santiago next.

She's had a great year.
You wanted to see me, sirs?

I was reading the Sergeant's
lips through the window,

and he either said,
"Bring in Santiago next"

or something about a "San Diego nest".

Are you ready for your self-evaluation?

I am.

I understand from a
lip-reading session last week

that you intend to ask
us each ten questions.

Normally, yes.

But for you, I have just one question.

What is your biggest flaw?

My biggest flaw.

Working too hard?

Being too thorough.

Caring too much?

Got it.

Something entirely different.

Rosa. Look.

Lohank is shaving right now.

[SLOWLY] No!

Boyle, call an ambulance.
I'm going to do some stuff to him.

Or, we give him a taste
of his own medicine.

We fill his locker with
shaving cream and loose hair.

I like it.

I cannot believe I'm
considering a non-violent option.

And I know just where to
get a bundle of loose hair.

GINA: How much interest do you charge?

Look, I'm not a bank.

It's my own personal money,

so I take a larger vig.

Twenty points. Vig. So cool.

Well, I don't need much.
Just, like, $430,000.

Nah, too much.

I make small loans to desperate losers.

And friends like you.

Well, I'm happy this went terribly.

Uh, we do have to go now.
So, please excuse us.

Wait.
I just need enough to show the co-op board

I can make a down payment at the bank.

How about $20,000?

Two bags of ziti? That I can do.

Bags of ziti. Come on, Gina.

How awesome is that? Get on board.

Come on, Gina. Get on board.

Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise.

Do not sing into his shell.

I have no idea what you're
talking about right now.

Oh, little mermaid. What have you done?

[BOYLE CHUCKLING]

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Nothing gets you smiling
like cold-blooded vengeance.

[LAUGHS]

And now, the pièce de résistance.

A magnificent bag of hair.

Oh, this is disgusting.

It's perfect.

Oh. Ugh.

Ooh, check… Check this out.

I'm Tom Selleck.
Park my chopper on the beach.

[LAUGHS]

I'm a billy goat!
[IMITATES GOAT BLEATING]

[CHOKING]

[COUGHING]

Oh, I think I swallowed
a bunch of stranger hair.

Ugh!

Hey, Mr. Henders. The king of the lobby.

Jake.
The co-op board meeting was an hour ago.

I know. I am so sorry.

It's just… I've been pretty busy
with police work, you know?

With my police friends,
helping out non-police folks

such as yourself.
Keeping you safe. Police.

We appreciate your service.

And I appreciate you saying that.

Look, I know there's been a lot of

misconceptions about
my financial situation,

but I am ready to put
that to rest right now.

Boom goes the dynamite. Oh, my God.

That's $20,000 right there

and I intend to use it as a
down payment on a mortgage.

Where did you get this money?

Just had it lying around.

You've been an adequate tenant.

Adequate?
But we needed a completed application

with a bank loan by today.

With all due respect,
sir, that's not fair.

I didn't even know that the building
was going co-op until last week.

I got one letter.
We left you 15 voice mails as well.

Ah. Voice mails. Well, that explains it.

My generation mostly texts.

I'm only 33, so…

We're in the same generation. I'm 31.

Thirty-one? Mmm-hmm.

But I call you "mister."

And you wear a suit and…

That.

Did you just point at my bald spot?

No. Look, we're putting
the apartment on the market.

We need to get it ready
for brokers to show.

We need you out by next Friday.

Oh… Next Friday is a little tough for me.

Is there any way we
could move it to the Sunday

after eight years from next Friday?

Based on your judge-y eyes,

I am going to take back my dynamite.

Un-boom… Here you go.

You've got a full head of hair.

Nope. Okay. Okay.

Ugh!

Oh. That bad?

I'm going to be homeless.

A homeless cop.

It's like a made-for-TV movie

that I will not be able to watch
because I won't have a television

because I'll be homeless.

Chin up, little pup.

First of all, you could
watch it on your phone.

Second, this isn't the
only apartment in the city.

We'll find you a new one.

You're right. You're right.
This could be good.

I mean, maybe we'll find a great place.

Attagirl. In a cooler neighborhood.

That's right, girl.

Maybe I'll even have a cute neighbor.

Get it, girl.

You got to stop calling me girl.

Sorry, girl.

Okay, sirs. I know why you weren't
happy with my self-evaluation.

You didn't want me to say
flaws that were actually positive.

Like, how the sergeant always says
it's bad that he works out too much.

Whoa!

Why the drive-by?

Sorry. But that's not right.

Because you value honesty
and humility above all else.

So, what's your biggest flaw?

My biggest flaws.

I'm too competitive. Prone to jealousy.

Bit of a killjoy.
Follow rules to a fault.

Don't know how to relax. And every
now and then, I smoke a cigarette.

Is that what you're looking for?

Because I can keep going.
I am deeply flawed.

Santiago.

Oh, no. Santiago in "B" flat.

You're disappointed.

Okay. Well,

I'm going to go to a secret location and
make sure that nobody is smoking there.

I'll be right back.

GINA: Is this a pre-war?

Ah, very good eye. And you
should know, it's also pet-friendly.

Really? Do they allow cats?

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.
Okay.

How would you even get a bed in here?

Oh, a Murphy bed.

Voilà.

Nope.

This is kind of cool.

High ceilings, so many windows.

Gina, the toilet is in the
middle of the living room.

I think it's sexy.

[GINA GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

DIAZ: So, when is this going down?

Normally, Lohank hits the locker
room when he goes to the gym.

So, let's see when he
plans on working out.

So, Lohank, I was reading an
article about the benefits of exercise.

You going to the gym today?

Not today.
I've been spending all my breaks

on the phone with my wife, Nancy.

We've been having marital problems.

Right. 'Cause of your hygiene?

What? No. I wish.

No, about a year ago, she fell
down the stairs and broke her back.

Oh, no.
Now, she's addicted to pain-killers.

We've been fighting a lot. Mmm.

Because I want to help her, you know?

I guess I just love her so much.

But she's refusing treatment.

Oh… We got into it again last night.

I went out for some fresh air,
but I forgot to close the door

and our dog, Cinnamon, got out.

Oh, no.

Cinnamon got hit by a drunk driver.

I wish I could say she was
put out of her misery instantly,

but the vet assured us that her
suffering was unending and terrible.

I'm sorry. I'm just venting a little. I…

I appreciate it. 'Course.

Anything for a good friend like you.

Charles, can I see you for a minute? Yep.

My first question is,

why are the two of you doing
this self-evaluation together?

Scully doesn't handle pressure well.

Hmm…

Not to brag, but Scully
and I have a combined total

of 14 arrests.

Would have been 20, but we only got 14.

That's not enough arrests.

Well, no one asked you.

It's a self-evaluation.

Come on, Scully.

I'm trying to hurry, but when
you grab the hair, it breaks apart.

The key is, you use your
hands like, uh, scoopers.

Just go…

HOLT: What the hell is going on here?

I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation for this, sir.

We accidentally dropped

all our loose hair and
shaving cream in this locker,

so we're cleaning it out.

Hasn't Detective Lohank
been through enough?

He just got diagnosed
with prostate cancer.

'Course he did.

Clean this up. Now.

Yes, sir.

JEFFORDS: What's wrong with you guys?

I've lost control of my squad.

GINA: Should we turn some lights on?

Trying to save electricity, Gina.

Your massage chair is on.

Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.

Man, what am I gonna do?

But what if I buy this apartment?

[SCOFFS] What are you talking about?

And then, I could rent it to
you until you find a new place.

What?

How could you afford this place?
Have you been dealing drugs?

No. I'm thrifty.

I cut my own hair. I walk to work.

I eat Scully's lunch every day.

I've rented the same crap box

since I was 20 because it's so cheap.

I've saved up money, and I'm
looking for a real estate opportunity.

Ew. A real estate opportunity?

Are you being serious?
We were drinking 40s this morning.

I'm saying I could give you a fair
rent because I would be your landlady.

Whoa, whoa. You'd be my landlady?

You're Gina.
Your lifelong dream is to be on Wife Swap.

You call gum the dentist.

You think Ray J is a national treasure.

Yeah, so what?

I'm eclectic.

You're not better than me, okay?

And I'm glad that I still own this place,

because I can happily
invite you to leave.

[LAUGHS]

Grow up, Jake.

[IMITATES GINA] Grow up, Jake.

Oh, my goodness.
Yeah, thanks for your help.

Old school "stylez."

I take back the "Z"!

[SIGHS]

Whoa. Are you okay?

Yep, just checking out my new bedroom.

Oh, good. It feels like scoliosis

and smells like ten million butts.

I take it your apartment
thing didn't work out.

When did everyone
decide to become an adult?

I mean, I know you were
born in your 50s, but come on.

Thanks? Get this…

Gina just offered to buy Nana's apartment

as a real estate opportunity
and become my landlady.

Jake. I know she was just trying to help.

But we've known each other
since we were kids, you know?

I got her her job,

which an ice cream
cone could do, by the way.

And now, I find out she's
been saving all these years?

Jake. I know.

The person that I'm
really mad at is myself

for screwing this whole thing up.

I got to talk to Gina.
Thanks for your help, Amy.

Didn't say anything.
Don't want credit in case it goes wrong.

Yeah, that's smart,
given my track record.

Hey, wait.

What would you say Holt
thinks my biggest flaw is?

Who cares what Holt thinks?

What's most important is
what I think your biggest flaw is.

And there are so many to choose from.

Too competitive, prone to jealousy,

bit of a killjoy, your shame cigarettes.

Oh, my God.

But your biggest flaw is…

You suck at throwing
away your secret lists.

Well, that was fun today.

Although I'm pretty
sure I caught some form

of face lice from that bag of hair.

Being a cop is dangerous,
although I knew that going in.

Yeah, it was fun.

Hey, you wanna grab a drink?
Oh, shoot. I would,

but I'm meeting Vivian for
that romantic pig colon dinner.

Hey, Rosa, I wanna apologize.

I haven't been much fun to hang
out with over the last year or so.

On account of all the asking
you out and smelling your hair

and staring at you
from point blank range.

Yeah, you were a real weirdo. Mmm-hmm.

But you're pretty cool now that
you're in love with someone else.

Have a nice dinner.

Oh, we will.
They make a sorbet out of the tail.

See you.

JEFFORDS
Excuse me, Captain.

What are you doing, Sergeant?

I'm going to yell at you and I
don't want Santiago to read my lips.

Excuse me?

You were completely
unfair to my squad today.

Santiago is one of your best detectives,

and all you wanted to do
was play mind games with her.

Scully and Hitchcock
only arrested 14 people,

but that's eight more than last year.

They only arrested six people last year?

And I know Peralta can be childish,

but he leads the precinct in collars,

and he's grown up a heck
of a lot since you got here.

Okay, sit down, Sergeant.

I'm going to do your evaluation now.

Sergeant Jeffords, you're right.

I have been hard on the squad.

You're a good leader,

and just the fact that you
were willing to stand up for them

is one of the reasons
they respect you so much.

I could learn something from you.

You have every right to feel like, um…

Um… What was it you said this morning?

A proud mama hen, sir.

A proud mama hen.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What do you want, Jake?

I'm watching Oprah's Legends
Ball, which is what I do every time

a close friend hurts my feelings.

I came here to apologize.

Look, I was mad at you for
being more together than me

and that's not fair.

I felt stupid so I acted out. I'm sorry.

Yeah. You were stupid

and you should be sorry, Jake.

But watching Oprah have brunch
with her strong women friends

has taught me that it's okay to forgive.

Great.

Also, you should buy Nana's place.

Not for me. You should live there.

You love that apartment and you
said so yourself. It's a great investment.

And where are you gonna live?

Here. I'll sublet from you.

I actually ran the numbers.

I'd keep paying the same amount of rent,

and you would turn a small profit.

It's a starter apartment. And it's
my fault for starting when I'm 33.

[LAUGHS]

You have a deal. All right.

Shake, shake. Yes!

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello, Detective.

Is there a reason you're
interrupting me mid-soup?

Yes. I'm ready for my self-evaluation.

So, I asked Peralta

what you thought my biggest flaw was

and he said, "Who
cares what Holt thinks?"

That's not surprising.
He's very disrespectful.

But he's not wrong.

My biggest flaw is that I care too much

what you think of me.

I should be more confident
in my own judgment

and I am so sure of that,

I don't even care if you think I'm right.

Evaluation over.

Enjoy your soup.

-[DOOR CLOSES]
-[SLURPING]