All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S01E06 - Halloween.eng.SDH

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:04,739 OFFICERS: Whoa! 2 00:00:04,823 --> 00:00:05,948 SANTIAGO: Settle. 3 00:00:06,032 --> 00:00:07,617 Sorry, Sarge. 4 00:00:08,034 --> 00:00:10,494 Ugh, Halloween is the worst. 5 00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,787 Everyone's drunk, wearing a mask, 6 00:00:12,871 --> 00:00:14,497 and carrying a fake gun. 7 00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,665 Plus all the girls think they have to dress sexy. 8 00:00:16,749 --> 00:00:19,335 I know, that is the worst. Please make them stop. 9 00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,169 I passed a slutty tree on the way here. 10 00:00:21,253 --> 00:00:22,837 Who wants to have sex with a tree? 11 00:00:22,921 --> 00:00:24,881 Was it a maple? Was it a maple? 12 00:00:25,549 --> 00:00:27,549 Buongiorno! Buongiorno! 13 00:00:27,633 --> 00:00:29,677 Pretty cool 'stume, huh? 'Stume? 14 00:00:29,885 --> 00:00:31,637 Short for costume. Ah. 15 00:00:31,721 --> 00:00:34,305 All right, let me guess. You are dumpy Chuck Norris. 16 00:00:34,389 --> 00:00:36,057 No, I'm… Dumpy Ron Weasley. 17 00:00:36,141 --> 00:00:37,892 -No. -JEFFORDS: You guys, stop it. 18 00:00:38,226 --> 00:00:39,893 He put thought into his costume, 19 00:00:39,977 --> 00:00:42,354 and he is obviously Miranda from Sex and the City. 20 00:00:42,438 --> 00:00:44,189 Guys, I'm Mario Batali! 21 00:00:44,356 --> 00:00:46,149 Motto Mario? Celebrity chef? 22 00:00:46,482 --> 00:00:48,317 Ginger Prince of Little Italy? 23 00:00:48,443 --> 00:00:50,110 Is he also a homeless troll doll? 24 00:00:50,194 --> 00:00:51,569 'Cause you look like a homeless troll doll. 25 00:00:51,653 --> 00:00:53,446 Hey, sweet Batali costume, dude. 26 00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:54,572 Thank you! 27 00:00:54,656 --> 00:00:56,491 There's a man with impeccable taste. 28 00:00:56,575 --> 00:00:59,368 He bit a guy's butt off at a WNBA game. 29 00:01:00,119 --> 00:01:01,411 Eric Stoltz from Mask. 30 00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:02,912 -I'll take it. -PERALTA: Yeah. 31 00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:05,206 I hope you're all well rested. 32 00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:06,374 It's gonna be a busy night. 33 00:01:06,458 --> 00:01:08,167 The holding cell's completely full. 34 00:01:08,251 --> 00:01:11,151 I keep having to separate Hillary Clinton and Kim Jong-Eun. 35 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:13,130 Stop it! Stop making out! 36 00:01:13,714 --> 00:01:15,923 Hey! No! What would Bill say? 37 00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:19,134 We need two undercovers at the DeKalb street warehouse party. 38 00:01:19,218 --> 00:01:22,136 Uh, Boyle, you're already in costume as, uh… 39 00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:24,389 Joy Behar? I'm Mario Batali. 40 00:01:24,514 --> 00:01:27,641 Okay. And, uh, Santiago, you go with him. 41 00:01:27,767 --> 00:01:29,894 Yes, sir. Damn it. 42 00:01:30,102 --> 00:01:32,895 Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, 43 00:01:32,979 --> 00:01:35,356 but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it. 44 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,234 Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed? 45 00:01:38,318 --> 00:01:39,859 "Kind, sober, and fully dressed." 46 00:01:39,943 --> 00:01:42,993 Good news, everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape. 47 00:01:43,572 --> 00:01:44,989 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 48 00:02:04,964 --> 00:02:07,133 Well, ring it up, nerds. 49 00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:10,511 I just arrested my first Halloween idiot of the season. 50 00:02:11,094 --> 00:02:14,513 He was trying to rob a bank, but had a little trouble with the getaway. 51 00:02:14,597 --> 00:02:16,349 PERALTA: Trying to split, huh? 52 00:02:16,474 --> 00:02:19,227 Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get out on "a peel." 53 00:02:19,894 --> 00:02:22,145 I'm so glad you're stuck. I've got a million of these. 54 00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,179 No, no, don't touch the money! [GROANS] 55 00:02:24,481 --> 00:02:26,023 I swear, these perps are so stupid. 56 00:02:26,107 --> 00:02:27,482 I'd make a better criminal than any of them. 57 00:02:27,566 --> 00:02:29,443 Yeah, you would. You'd be an evil mastermind, 58 00:02:29,527 --> 00:02:31,319 and everyone would call you the Handsome Bandit. 59 00:02:31,403 --> 00:02:33,279 Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, 60 00:02:33,363 --> 00:02:34,905 none of you could catch me. 61 00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:36,157 Oh, come on. 62 00:02:36,241 --> 00:02:37,533 I'm fairly certain you would be caught. 63 00:02:37,617 --> 00:02:41,203 No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught. 64 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,746 [CHUCKLES] 65 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,329 All right, challenge accepted. 66 00:02:44,413 --> 00:02:45,456 I didn't issue a challenge. 67 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:46,540 Fine. I'll issue it for you. 68 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,834 What's the most valuable thing in your office? 69 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,252 My medal of valor. 70 00:02:50,544 --> 00:02:52,170 God, you are such a hero. 71 00:02:52,254 --> 00:02:55,506 All right, how about this? I will bet you that by midnight tonight, 72 00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,632 I can steal the medal of valor from your office. 73 00:02:57,716 --> 00:02:58,967 Why would I possibly agree to that? 74 00:02:59,051 --> 00:03:01,303 Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. 75 00:03:01,387 --> 00:03:02,470 No overtime. 76 00:03:02,554 --> 00:03:03,929 And I won't tell anyone here about 77 00:03:04,013 --> 00:03:06,182 the time I saw you wearing short shorts outside of work. 78 00:03:06,266 --> 00:03:07,475 But if I win… You won't. 79 00:03:07,559 --> 00:03:09,058 …you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, 80 00:03:09,142 --> 00:03:12,354 the busiest and spookiest night of the year. 81 00:03:12,604 --> 00:03:14,813 And you have to publicly state 82 00:03:14,897 --> 00:03:17,524 that I'm an amazing detective/genius. 83 00:03:17,608 --> 00:03:18,776 Oh, yeah! 84 00:03:18,860 --> 00:03:21,110 And this won't interfere with you doing your job? 85 00:03:21,194 --> 00:03:24,865 You mean my job as an amazing Detective/genius? 86 00:03:25,448 --> 00:03:27,449 No, it will not. I'll do all of my work, guaranteed. 87 00:03:27,533 --> 00:03:28,950 I'm considering it. 88 00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,160 I'm interested. 89 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,369 I agree to participate. 90 00:03:31,453 --> 00:03:32,495 All right. [LAUGHS] Oh! 91 00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:34,497 There's the robot I fell in love with. 92 00:03:35,748 --> 00:03:36,916 DIAZ: Hey. 93 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,709 Sister Steve here got mugged. 94 00:03:38,876 --> 00:03:42,128 Some guy dressed as a royal baby punched him and took his wallet. 95 00:03:42,212 --> 00:03:43,587 She keeps laughing at me. 96 00:03:43,671 --> 00:03:46,465 Can't tell you how many nuns I wanted to beat up in Catholic school. 97 00:03:46,549 --> 00:03:47,633 Ten. 98 00:03:47,717 --> 00:03:48,967 I didn't know you went to Catholic school. 99 00:03:49,051 --> 00:03:50,218 Good. You shouldn't know it. 100 00:03:50,302 --> 00:03:53,930 I get it. You're so mysterious and tough. 101 00:03:54,014 --> 00:03:55,431 But you know what I think? 102 00:03:55,515 --> 00:03:56,932 You're actually a big softie. 103 00:03:57,016 --> 00:03:58,433 No, I think she's really mean. 104 00:03:58,517 --> 00:04:00,227 You probably read a Maya Angelou poem 105 00:04:00,311 --> 00:04:01,811 at your graduation and cried. 106 00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:03,521 Didn't graduate. Had to leave. 107 00:04:03,605 --> 00:04:04,814 Why? What'd you do? 108 00:04:04,898 --> 00:04:06,608 Here's a hint. 109 00:04:06,733 --> 00:04:08,025 I'm not gonna tell you. 110 00:04:09,359 --> 00:04:10,902 Oh, I'm gonna find out anyway. 111 00:04:10,986 --> 00:04:13,196 [SCOFFS] I'm a detective. 112 00:04:13,529 --> 00:04:15,031 I will detect! 113 00:04:15,948 --> 00:04:17,115 Hey. 114 00:04:17,199 --> 00:04:19,199 Got an arrest file here for the captain. 115 00:04:19,285 --> 00:04:20,535 Drunk and disorderly. 116 00:04:20,619 --> 00:04:22,370 So, anyways… 117 00:04:22,621 --> 00:04:23,830 Gina! 118 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,290 We never talk anymore. 119 00:04:25,414 --> 00:04:26,915 How's the dance troupe? Did you get a haircut? 120 00:04:26,999 --> 00:04:28,458 What's the captain's schedule like today? 121 00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:30,210 I'm not gonna help you rob him, Jake. 122 00:04:30,294 --> 00:04:33,420 I'm his assistant, and I take that job incredibly seriously. 123 00:04:33,504 --> 00:04:36,465 You're literally making paper airplanes out of police reports right now. 124 00:04:36,549 --> 00:04:38,842 Well, how am I supposed to get it into that garbage can? 125 00:04:38,926 --> 00:04:40,635 Come on. Fine. 126 00:04:40,719 --> 00:04:43,138 Captain's got a meeting downstairs in ten minutes. 127 00:04:43,429 --> 00:04:44,972 You're the best. Muah! 128 00:04:46,223 --> 00:04:48,016 What does your skin taste like? Dina Lohan. 129 00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:49,684 I'm wearing her face lotion. 130 00:04:49,935 --> 00:04:51,019 That's it. 131 00:04:51,519 --> 00:04:53,146 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 132 00:04:53,521 --> 00:04:55,272 Okay, party's around the corner. 133 00:04:55,356 --> 00:04:57,858 Tipster said there'll be a huge amount of drug activity. 134 00:04:57,942 --> 00:05:00,193 Why is this costume so stiff? 135 00:05:00,277 --> 00:05:01,819 And what is that smell? 136 00:05:01,903 --> 00:05:03,946 The department never washes them, so it's probably vomit. 137 00:05:04,030 --> 00:05:05,198 Hey! 138 00:05:05,698 --> 00:05:07,199 I got you a chocolate. 139 00:05:07,324 --> 00:05:09,951 Yet another great thing about Halloween, chocolate! 140 00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:11,953 Thanks. Oh, look. 141 00:05:12,037 --> 00:05:14,288 Raggedy Ann is drinking vodka right from the bottle. 142 00:05:14,372 --> 00:05:16,039 People think if they put on a costume, 143 00:05:16,123 --> 00:05:18,709 they can just get away with anything they want. 144 00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:20,919 Halloween is Christmas for jerks. 145 00:05:21,211 --> 00:05:23,254 Come on, ma'am. No open containers. 146 00:05:23,505 --> 00:05:26,423 Oh, and why should I listen to you, bone person? 147 00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:30,094 It's called skeleton. It's a very common word. 148 00:05:30,386 --> 00:05:32,053 Just put the vodka away. Ah… 149 00:05:32,178 --> 00:05:34,138 You guys are cops? These guys are cops! 150 00:05:34,222 --> 00:05:36,182 -[ALL BOOING] -MAN: Throw an egg at them! 151 00:05:39,142 --> 00:05:40,519 [GENTLE THUDDING] 152 00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:45,523 Are you in my ceiling, Peralta? 153 00:05:45,856 --> 00:05:47,191 PERALTA: No. 154 00:05:47,358 --> 00:05:48,693 So what's the plan? 155 00:05:48,984 --> 00:05:50,276 You wait for me to leave my office, 156 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,528 lower yourself down, take my medal, and win the bet? 157 00:05:52,612 --> 00:05:54,946 PERALTA: Who are you talking to? There's no one up here. 158 00:05:55,030 --> 00:05:56,740 Peralta, just so you know, 159 00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:59,409 right now, I am taking my medal off the wall 160 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,411 and placing it in a locked safe, 161 00:06:01,536 --> 00:06:04,121 whose combination is known only to me. 162 00:06:04,205 --> 00:06:05,623 The safe, in turn, 163 00:06:05,707 --> 00:06:07,165 is locked in the cabinet. 164 00:06:07,249 --> 00:06:10,002 The only key to that cabinet is on my person. 165 00:06:11,712 --> 00:06:14,254 I'm off to my meeting. Good luck with your plan. 166 00:06:14,338 --> 00:06:15,964 PERALTA: You think that scares me? 167 00:06:16,048 --> 00:06:18,175 I laugh in the face of adversity! 168 00:06:19,843 --> 00:06:20,927 Are you still there? 169 00:06:21,011 --> 00:06:22,762 Captain, are you still there? I can't hear… 170 00:06:22,846 --> 00:06:24,180 [SCREAMS] 171 00:06:25,764 --> 00:06:27,016 Ow. 172 00:06:29,852 --> 00:06:30,935 Here you go. 173 00:06:31,019 --> 00:06:32,437 Don't touch the butter. 174 00:06:33,604 --> 00:06:36,273 What happened? I thought you guys were supposed to be at the warehouse party. 175 00:06:36,357 --> 00:06:37,690 We got egged. 176 00:06:37,774 --> 00:06:39,651 Some of the shell got in my contacts 177 00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:42,195 and my hair and my mouth and my bra. 178 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:43,403 I can't tell if that's hot or not. 179 00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,572 Not hot. Eggshell in my bra is not hot. 180 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,115 Well, it's kinda hot. 181 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:49,659 Boobs go in a bra. Up top. 182 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,245 Whoo! My man. 183 00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,579 Well, it sounds like costume duty is going great. 184 00:06:54,663 --> 00:06:56,539 So great. We're having the best time. 185 00:06:56,623 --> 00:06:57,832 Right, Amy? I wish I was dead. 186 00:06:57,916 --> 00:06:58,917 Hmm. 187 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:00,292 How's the unwinnable bet going? 188 00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:02,169 Well, on the one hand, I fell through the ceiling 189 00:07:02,253 --> 00:07:03,879 and onto a pencil, but on the other hand, 190 00:07:03,963 --> 00:07:05,589 I also badly bruised my brain. 191 00:07:05,673 --> 00:07:06,881 If you wanted to make a bet with Holt, 192 00:07:06,965 --> 00:07:08,257 you should have made a bet you could win. 193 00:07:08,341 --> 00:07:09,801 Like who wears more denim jackets. 194 00:07:09,885 --> 00:07:11,470 That was one time. 195 00:07:11,636 --> 00:07:13,186 You guys never forget anything. 196 00:07:13,471 --> 00:07:14,680 You know, frankly, I'm a little surprised 197 00:07:14,764 --> 00:07:15,931 you don't think I can win this thing. 198 00:07:16,015 --> 00:07:17,808 You're always telling me how I'm the best. 199 00:07:17,892 --> 00:07:18,992 You're the best, Jake. 200 00:07:19,517 --> 00:07:21,143 Paperwork delivery. 201 00:07:21,227 --> 00:07:22,479 You're the best, Jake. 202 00:07:23,146 --> 00:07:24,980 BOYLE: Jake, you're the best. 203 00:07:25,064 --> 00:07:26,440 Thank you, Charles. 204 00:07:26,815 --> 00:07:28,317 Yeah, maybe it's just Charles. 205 00:07:28,484 --> 00:07:29,651 JEFFORDS: Look, Jake, 206 00:07:29,735 --> 00:07:31,652 I love you like you're one of my daughters. Really? 207 00:07:31,736 --> 00:07:34,196 But it's not about you or how smart you are. 208 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,490 It's about Captain Holt. 209 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,990 The man's a genius. 210 00:07:37,074 --> 00:07:38,324 He's had your number at every turn. 211 00:07:38,408 --> 00:07:42,495 Well, not this day… Turn… Time. 212 00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:45,414 Sorry, I'm pretty sure I had a concussion back there. 213 00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:46,707 Here I come. All right. 214 00:07:46,832 --> 00:07:48,625 Oh, strong. 215 00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:54,087 DIAZ: Okay, here's the first set of royal babies I rounded up. 216 00:07:54,171 --> 00:07:55,339 Popular costume. 217 00:07:55,464 --> 00:07:56,673 Any of these guys look familiar? 218 00:07:56,757 --> 00:07:59,925 Maybe the third guy. The baby who mugged me was pretty short. 219 00:08:00,009 --> 00:08:01,176 [DIAZ LAUGHS] 220 00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:02,469 You're not supposed to laugh at me. 221 00:08:02,553 --> 00:08:05,055 Number three, step forward and say, 222 00:08:05,139 --> 00:08:07,265 "Give me your money, you stupid bag of crap." 223 00:08:07,349 --> 00:08:09,518 Gimme your money, you stupid bag of crap. 224 00:08:09,643 --> 00:08:10,977 No, wrong giant baby. 225 00:08:11,103 --> 00:08:14,229 I still want to know why you got kicked out of Catholic school. 226 00:08:14,313 --> 00:08:15,523 Were you doing drugs? 227 00:08:15,648 --> 00:08:16,815 Worse. 228 00:08:16,899 --> 00:08:18,232 Selling drugs? 229 00:08:18,316 --> 00:08:19,400 Worse. 230 00:08:19,484 --> 00:08:20,985 How bad could it have been? 231 00:08:21,903 --> 00:08:23,253 Did you burn down a church? 232 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:28,450 Number three, step forward and say the word "worse." 233 00:08:29,118 --> 00:08:30,326 Worse. 234 00:08:31,994 --> 00:08:34,079 Excuse me, Gina. I can't find Peralta anywhere, 235 00:08:34,163 --> 00:08:36,122 and you're the only one who can decipher his handwriting. 236 00:08:36,206 --> 00:08:38,792 He arrested that bunny, but I don't know what for. 237 00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:42,044 He's either a crispy mother werewolf, 238 00:08:42,128 --> 00:08:44,546 or cowboy mustard, Oslo, Norway. 239 00:08:44,630 --> 00:08:45,964 Hmm. 240 00:08:46,048 --> 00:08:48,925 The bunny groped multiple women on the subway. 241 00:08:49,509 --> 00:08:51,659 Being able to read Jake's writing is a gift. 242 00:08:52,095 --> 00:08:53,720 A useless, useless gift. 243 00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:56,515 Excuse me one second. 244 00:08:58,475 --> 00:08:59,892 Nice costume, Peralta. 245 00:09:00,852 --> 00:09:02,061 No Peralta here. 246 00:09:02,145 --> 00:09:05,314 Just a normal janitor pushing trash around. 247 00:09:05,398 --> 00:09:06,815 HOLT: Come out of there. 248 00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:10,234 Captain, hey. 249 00:09:10,318 --> 00:09:11,735 You really thought this was gonna work? 250 00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:12,987 Uh, it did work. 251 00:09:13,279 --> 00:09:16,448 This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail. 252 00:09:16,532 --> 00:09:17,740 It's just like in chess. 253 00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,618 Sometimes in order to win, you have to sacrifice your king. 254 00:09:20,702 --> 00:09:22,536 That's exactly how you lose in chess. 255 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:24,037 Have you ever played the game? Yeah. 256 00:09:24,121 --> 00:09:25,580 I used to play with my Uncle Bob all the time, 257 00:09:25,664 --> 00:09:26,664 and he said I was great. 258 00:09:26,748 --> 00:09:28,917 This is a game of concentration, Jake. 259 00:09:29,084 --> 00:09:31,669 So focus your mind, and start shooting. 260 00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:37,632 Now you're a master of chess, huh? 261 00:09:37,883 --> 00:09:39,884 He taught me how to shoot backgammon, too. 262 00:09:39,968 --> 00:09:41,052 I expected better of you. 263 00:09:41,136 --> 00:09:42,552 You could have at least created a diversion 264 00:09:42,636 --> 00:09:44,387 to distract me from your terrible costume. 265 00:09:44,471 --> 00:09:46,014 Uh, I'm not a dumb butt. 266 00:09:46,098 --> 00:09:47,431 I had a diversion planned. 267 00:09:47,515 --> 00:09:49,434 There was just a slight timing issue. 268 00:09:50,476 --> 00:09:51,727 Oh, my God! 269 00:09:51,811 --> 00:09:54,020 Get down, everyone! There's a big fire! 270 00:09:54,104 --> 00:09:55,688 Captain, you better head over there for, like, 271 00:09:55,772 --> 00:09:58,024 15 minutes and see what's going on with that. 272 00:09:58,108 --> 00:10:00,508 Beware of the back draft. I'll be in your office. 273 00:10:03,779 --> 00:10:04,979 You have beautiful eyes. 274 00:10:05,655 --> 00:10:08,116 Have it your way. But you're gonna need this. 275 00:10:08,783 --> 00:10:10,202 And that. 276 00:10:11,118 --> 00:10:12,328 It's filthy in there. 277 00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:17,540 [LOUD ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC] 278 00:10:19,459 --> 00:10:21,001 Come on, Amy! Loosen up! 279 00:10:21,085 --> 00:10:22,337 You look like such a cop! 280 00:10:22,462 --> 00:10:24,922 Come on, have some fun, you know? 281 00:10:25,339 --> 00:10:27,216 It'll help you blend in! 282 00:10:27,382 --> 00:10:28,592 Whoo! 283 00:10:29,383 --> 00:10:31,135 Stop trying to get me to love Halloween. 284 00:10:31,219 --> 00:10:32,803 It'll never work. 285 00:10:32,887 --> 00:10:34,012 I'm backing it up. 286 00:10:34,096 --> 00:10:35,196 Oh, God, please don't. 287 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,141 Hey, heads up. 288 00:10:38,642 --> 00:10:40,725 BOYLE: I'll cut them off at the exit. Okay. 289 00:10:40,809 --> 00:10:42,559 Move, move, move! Move! Move, move! 290 00:10:43,354 --> 00:10:45,147 SANTIAGO: He ditched the drugs. I'm on it. 291 00:10:45,231 --> 00:10:46,649 [GRUNTS] 292 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:49,776 Ugh, everything is sticking to me. 293 00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:51,152 Ooh. 294 00:10:51,277 --> 00:10:54,237 Okay. Ugh. Yes. 295 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,822 MAN: Hey, watch out, man. 296 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:56,990 Ah! What is that? 297 00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,866 How is it hot and cold? 298 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,455 So the soonest you can fix the ceiling is Monday? 299 00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:12,836 I'm gonna have to call you back. 300 00:11:14,004 --> 00:11:15,338 Wait, stop scratching me. 301 00:11:15,422 --> 00:11:16,505 We're supposed to be a team. 302 00:11:16,589 --> 00:11:18,174 [CLEARS THROAT] 303 00:11:18,466 --> 00:11:19,801 Captain, hi. 304 00:11:19,926 --> 00:11:21,886 I was just photocopying some stuff. 305 00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:24,137 Are you trying to jam pigeons into my air-conditioning vent 306 00:11:24,221 --> 00:11:25,388 to flush me out of my office? 307 00:11:25,472 --> 00:11:27,098 Way to ruin the surprise. 308 00:11:27,182 --> 00:11:28,224 How did you get those birds? 309 00:11:28,308 --> 00:11:29,658 By using my big, fat brain. 310 00:11:30,101 --> 00:11:31,351 Get in the bag, you damn bird. 311 00:11:31,435 --> 00:11:32,895 Eat the bread. Eat the bread! 312 00:11:32,979 --> 00:11:34,313 I gotcha! I gotcha! 313 00:11:34,479 --> 00:11:37,274 All part of my elaborate plan to defeat you. 314 00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:41,110 So far, you and your big, fat brain are losing badly. 315 00:11:41,402 --> 00:11:43,952 Maybe, if we're talking about who's winning our bet. 316 00:11:44,113 --> 00:11:46,363 But if we're talking about who's holding more birds, 317 00:11:46,447 --> 00:11:48,157 I'm winning, four-nothing. 318 00:11:48,616 --> 00:11:50,118 You're only holding two. 319 00:11:51,286 --> 00:11:54,538 Ugh. [CLEARS THROAT] 320 00:11:57,165 --> 00:11:58,540 Ooh, when you were logging in the drugs, 321 00:11:58,624 --> 00:11:59,833 you missed some awesome stuff. 322 00:11:59,917 --> 00:12:04,170 A guy walked by in full astronaut costume, gave me a high five. 323 00:12:04,254 --> 00:12:05,755 He high-fived me, too. 324 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,340 Wait. Hitchcock? 325 00:12:07,424 --> 00:12:08,424 Darn it. 326 00:12:08,508 --> 00:12:11,468 I wasn't supposed to talk, but I got so excited about that astronaut. 327 00:12:11,552 --> 00:12:12,677 What is happening? 328 00:12:12,761 --> 00:12:15,555 Amy paid me 50 bucks to trade places with her for the rest of the night. 329 00:12:15,639 --> 00:12:17,139 Really? Yeah. 330 00:12:17,223 --> 00:12:19,392 I'm gonna use that money to buy two suits. 331 00:12:21,978 --> 00:12:24,562 Well, I was gonna ask you to tell the captain 332 00:12:24,646 --> 00:12:26,689 that I brought in royal babies for Diaz, 333 00:12:26,773 --> 00:12:29,608 but I'm sure he already knows, since he's always one step ahead of me. 334 00:12:29,692 --> 00:12:32,277 GINA: Aw. Why so down, little clown? 335 00:12:32,361 --> 00:12:34,487 PERALTA: I'm just sick of losing to Holt. I want that medal. 336 00:12:34,571 --> 00:12:35,780 It's not real gold. 337 00:12:35,864 --> 00:12:38,325 I tried selling it online. Zero bids. 338 00:12:38,533 --> 00:12:40,575 But here's some advice I gave to the girls 339 00:12:40,659 --> 00:12:43,119 in my dance troupe at the Dance Till You Drop Tournament. 340 00:12:43,203 --> 00:12:46,039 That advice was, dance. Dance! 341 00:12:46,664 --> 00:12:48,123 Dance. 342 00:12:48,207 --> 00:12:50,334 Yeah, I'm not really sure that applies here, Gina. 343 00:12:50,418 --> 00:12:53,045 It does apply. It means don't give up. 344 00:12:53,211 --> 00:12:55,463 We would've won if Natasha's water hadn't broken. 345 00:12:55,547 --> 00:12:56,714 Oh, Natasha had her baby? 346 00:12:56,798 --> 00:12:57,923 You know Natasha? 347 00:12:58,007 --> 00:12:59,091 Yeah. Yeah. 348 00:12:59,175 --> 00:13:00,968 Her dog has lupus. Her dog has lupus. 349 00:13:01,052 --> 00:13:02,469 That's a trip. Small world. 350 00:13:02,553 --> 00:13:03,679 Yes. 351 00:13:03,845 --> 00:13:05,555 All right, I'm gonna go cry. 352 00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:10,476 I kind of feel bad for him. 353 00:13:10,601 --> 00:13:13,353 HOLT [ON PHONE]: Don't. He brought this on himself. 354 00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:14,730 You can hang up now. 355 00:13:17,732 --> 00:13:19,775 You paid money to get out of working with me? 356 00:13:19,859 --> 00:13:22,318 Charles, I had to. Tonight has been awful. 357 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:25,614 Halloween is the worst, and I don't understand why you like it. 358 00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,490 No, all the things that you think are bad 359 00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,449 about Halloween are what make it great. 360 00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:30,910 The big kids egg you. 361 00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:34,037 Then you and your friends run away together. 362 00:13:34,371 --> 00:13:37,624 Friendships are forged in the crucible of Halloween adversity. 363 00:13:38,458 --> 00:13:39,875 That's all I wanted for us. 364 00:13:41,335 --> 00:13:43,712 You can keep the wig. I don't need it anymore. 365 00:13:46,047 --> 00:13:47,715 I don't really need it either. 366 00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:50,718 PERALTA: Hey, Captain Holt, 367 00:13:50,802 --> 00:13:52,677 can you come out here for one sec? 368 00:13:54,221 --> 00:13:55,222 [SIGHS] 369 00:14:00,935 --> 00:14:02,144 You need something, Peralta? 370 00:14:02,228 --> 00:14:03,395 Yes, I do. 371 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,230 Hit it, royal babies. 372 00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:08,400 [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] 373 00:14:16,781 --> 00:14:17,781 What? No! 374 00:14:17,865 --> 00:14:19,158 Give me my keys. 375 00:14:19,242 --> 00:14:20,659 Will you stop catching me? 376 00:14:20,743 --> 00:14:23,077 Do you have any idea how much I spent on key chains? 377 00:14:23,161 --> 00:14:24,287 $23. 378 00:14:24,371 --> 00:14:26,122 Wow, that is unbelievably close. 379 00:14:26,206 --> 00:14:27,623 $22.76. 380 00:14:27,915 --> 00:14:29,833 Keys. Okay, look. 381 00:14:29,917 --> 00:14:31,626 Tonight has been a little humiliating. 382 00:14:31,710 --> 00:14:34,587 Things are not going well, so I'm gonna just throw this out there. 383 00:14:34,671 --> 00:14:36,005 What do you say we call off the bet 384 00:14:36,089 --> 00:14:37,381 and pretend this whole thing never happened? 385 00:14:37,465 --> 00:14:38,632 Oh, I'm not letting you off the hook. 386 00:14:38,716 --> 00:14:40,133 What? No. [SCOFFS] 387 00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:43,220 I meant to give you an out, so you could save face. 388 00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:45,512 This is getting sad. 389 00:14:45,596 --> 00:14:47,014 Yeah, for you. 390 00:14:48,391 --> 00:14:49,725 JEFFORDS: [CLEARS THROAT] So. 391 00:14:50,101 --> 00:14:51,977 I called your school. 392 00:14:52,352 --> 00:14:56,731 And I managed to get a hold of one Sister Bernadette. 393 00:14:56,815 --> 00:14:59,107 I remember that old bag. She was my favorite. 394 00:14:59,191 --> 00:15:00,901 Well, guess what she said. 395 00:15:00,985 --> 00:15:03,027 Apparently, you were a model student 396 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,029 and transferred of your own volition. 397 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,533 Fine. 398 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:10,825 The reason I left Catholic school 399 00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:13,412 was because I got into the American Ballet Academy. 400 00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,704 I was a classical dancer. 401 00:15:15,788 --> 00:15:16,955 And I was good. 402 00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:18,123 I knew it! 403 00:15:18,207 --> 00:15:19,959 I knew you were a big softie. 404 00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:22,419 You tell anyone, I break your face. 405 00:15:25,547 --> 00:15:27,673 No, you won't. You're too sensitive. 406 00:15:29,258 --> 00:15:30,342 [CHUCKLING] 407 00:15:31,802 --> 00:15:33,219 Captain, sorry to interrupt. 408 00:15:33,303 --> 00:15:35,221 Some officers just arrested Peralta. 409 00:15:35,305 --> 00:15:36,639 What? They caught him scaling 410 00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:38,849 the side of the building with a blowtorch. 411 00:15:39,057 --> 00:15:40,058 [SIGHS] 412 00:15:42,728 --> 00:15:43,854 Captain. 413 00:15:44,271 --> 00:15:45,855 Welcome to the end game. 414 00:15:46,439 --> 00:15:49,441 Would you care to shake the hand of the man who defeated you? 415 00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:51,775 Forgot I was wearing handcuffs. Oh, that hurt. 416 00:15:52,611 --> 00:15:54,863 Whoo! [LAUGHING] 417 00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:00,784 Climbing the side of the building with a blowtorch. What were you thinking? 418 00:16:00,868 --> 00:16:02,618 I was thinking I had better core strength. 419 00:16:02,702 --> 00:16:04,245 I got winded, like, 10 feet up. 420 00:16:04,329 --> 00:16:05,621 I knew you wouldn't win the bet, 421 00:16:05,705 --> 00:16:07,373 but your performance tonight has made me question 422 00:16:07,457 --> 00:16:08,873 not only how good a detective you are, 423 00:16:08,957 --> 00:16:11,292 but, quite frankly, how smart you are. 424 00:16:11,376 --> 00:16:14,129 Well, that's not surprising. You constantly underestimate me. 425 00:16:14,213 --> 00:16:17,214 No, you've been correctly estimated. 426 00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,633 You have five minutes until your deadline, 427 00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,594 and here you are, handcuffed to a table, in a locked room. 428 00:16:22,928 --> 00:16:25,805 Which is precisely where I planned on being. 429 00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:28,807 Captain, let me tell you a little story. 430 00:16:28,891 --> 00:16:30,392 You remember when I fell through your ceiling? 431 00:16:30,476 --> 00:16:31,768 Yes, that was six hours ago. 432 00:16:31,852 --> 00:16:34,478 It was, I admit, a disastrous failure. 433 00:16:34,562 --> 00:16:36,856 But it gave me the idea for Herman, 434 00:16:36,940 --> 00:16:38,390 the friendly janitor you met. 435 00:16:38,482 --> 00:16:41,109 With Herman, I commenced the perfect crime. 436 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,278 I caught you as Herman. 437 00:16:43,862 --> 00:16:45,279 But you didn't catch Rosa. 438 00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:47,230 HOLT: Come out of there. 439 00:16:47,949 --> 00:16:51,535 PERALTA: As it turns out, our friend, Rosa, is great at picking locks. 440 00:16:53,578 --> 00:16:54,662 Does not surprise me. 441 00:16:54,746 --> 00:16:55,872 No, me neither. 442 00:16:55,956 --> 00:16:57,956 Of course, I had to find a way to get her out of your office 443 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,291 without you seeing her. 444 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,209 So I created a diversion. 445 00:17:01,293 --> 00:17:03,335 Not mistimed, perfectly timed, 446 00:17:03,419 --> 00:17:05,171 so she could escape unseen. 447 00:17:06,172 --> 00:17:07,256 What about the pigeons? 448 00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:08,506 Oh, the gray pigeons? 449 00:17:08,590 --> 00:17:10,258 They were a red herring. Thank you. 450 00:17:10,342 --> 00:17:12,260 Their only purpose was to draw you into the copy room 451 00:17:12,344 --> 00:17:14,845 while two members of my team broke into your locked office. 452 00:17:14,929 --> 00:17:18,975 So now, I had a way into your office and an open cabinet. 453 00:17:20,392 --> 00:17:23,436 All that was left was for the royal babies to steal your keys. 454 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,438 Yes, but you didn't need the keys. 455 00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,063 The cabinet was already unlocked. 456 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,607 You needed a way into the safe. 457 00:17:28,691 --> 00:17:29,900 And I got it. 458 00:17:30,025 --> 00:17:31,942 You were so concerned with getting your keys back, 459 00:17:32,026 --> 00:17:34,570 you didn't even notice the Sergeant steal your phone. 460 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,114 That's right, even the Sergeant is on my side. 461 00:17:37,198 --> 00:17:39,449 I then had Charles dust your screen cover for prints. 462 00:17:39,533 --> 00:17:42,827 The greasiest smudges revealed the four numbers you use the most. 463 00:17:42,911 --> 00:17:44,829 The four numbers in your pass code. 464 00:17:44,954 --> 00:17:46,330 Based on your advanced age, 465 00:17:46,455 --> 00:17:48,916 I assumed that you use the same pass code for everything. 466 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,418 Your phone, your email, and, of course, your safe. 467 00:17:52,502 --> 00:17:54,504 That would be a fair assumption. 468 00:17:54,588 --> 00:17:56,213 It was at that point that I bumped into a girl 469 00:17:56,297 --> 00:17:59,300 dressed as a sexy robot, and we got our flirt on… Hard. 470 00:18:02,719 --> 00:18:05,847 'Sup? Jake Peralta. 471 00:18:07,973 --> 00:18:09,307 And how was flirting part of the plan? 472 00:18:09,391 --> 00:18:11,226 Oh, it wasn't. It just ruled. 473 00:18:11,393 --> 00:18:12,936 And that brings us to five minutes ago, 474 00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:15,812 when Amy came to your office and told you that I had been arrested. 475 00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:17,231 I knew she's the only one you would believe, 476 00:18:17,315 --> 00:18:19,191 because, frankly, she's usually too lame 477 00:18:19,275 --> 00:18:20,816 to take part in these kinds of things. 478 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,527 And as you walked over here, 479 00:18:22,611 --> 00:18:26,154 Charles awkwardly stuffed himself through your window and opened your safe. 480 00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:28,114 We had the four numbers of your code, which meant 481 00:18:28,198 --> 00:18:30,700 there were 24 possible combinations for Charles to try. 482 00:18:30,784 --> 00:18:32,076 That could take up to four minutes, 483 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,453 which is why I really dragged out this explanation. 484 00:18:34,537 --> 00:18:36,705 I mean, really stretched it. I don't know if you noticed, 485 00:18:36,789 --> 00:18:38,289 but there were times where I was like, 486 00:18:38,373 --> 00:18:40,500 what am I even talking about? This isn't… Oh. 487 00:18:40,584 --> 00:18:42,002 [WATCH BEEPS] 488 00:18:42,210 --> 00:18:44,462 But now, four minutes is up. 489 00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:48,173 Which means Boyle is either on the other side of that door holding your medal, 490 00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,799 or I've lost. 491 00:18:51,843 --> 00:18:53,886 Well, Captain, it seems that Jake 492 00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:56,680 isn't the only person you underestimate 493 00:18:57,348 --> 00:19:00,893 20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. 494 00:19:01,893 --> 00:19:02,977 Check me. 495 00:19:03,061 --> 00:19:04,144 I think you mean "checkmate." 496 00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:06,328 You really need to learn how to play chess. 497 00:19:06,481 --> 00:19:07,772 How did you get everyone to help you? 498 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:10,191 I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie 499 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,610 with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame. 500 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:13,902 [SCOTTISH ACCENT] For too long, 501 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,656 we've been put down, ridiculed, 502 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,448 made to wear ties! 503 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:19,699 But no more! 504 00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:22,702 For today, we defeat him! 505 00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:25,537 And that worked? No. Oh, no. Not at all. 506 00:19:25,871 --> 00:19:27,747 My speech did not inspire them. 507 00:19:27,831 --> 00:19:28,873 Come on. 508 00:19:28,957 --> 00:19:30,000 So I bribed them. 509 00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:31,625 I told them that if we pulled this off, 510 00:19:31,709 --> 00:19:33,085 I would do all of their paperwork. 511 00:19:33,169 --> 00:19:35,338 And since you're doing all my paperwork… 512 00:19:35,546 --> 00:19:37,339 I'm impressed, Peralta. 513 00:19:37,839 --> 00:19:39,132 Well done. 514 00:19:39,216 --> 00:19:40,676 Thank you, sir. 515 00:19:40,926 --> 00:19:43,510 In fact, the thing that you failed to see, Captain, 516 00:19:43,594 --> 00:19:44,928 teamwork, is exactly… Captain? 517 00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:47,014 …what provided our success. Sir? 518 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,140 He's not coming back. 519 00:19:51,017 --> 00:19:53,728 JEFFORDS: Boyle, I need you in the briefing room. 520 00:19:58,148 --> 00:20:00,109 What is all this? 521 00:20:00,442 --> 00:20:02,026 You know how I think Halloween is for jerks? 522 00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:04,696 Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk. 523 00:20:04,821 --> 00:20:06,489 I'm sorry about tonight. 524 00:20:06,781 --> 00:20:08,072 "I'm sorry about tonight." 525 00:20:08,156 --> 00:20:10,756 We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape. 526 00:20:11,535 --> 00:20:13,660 I'm sorry I couldn't convince you to love Halloween. 527 00:20:13,744 --> 00:20:15,829 It's not your fault. I was terrible. 528 00:20:15,913 --> 00:20:18,290 "It's not your fault I was terrible" is also one of your sex tapes. 529 00:20:18,374 --> 00:20:19,457 Ow. 530 00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:21,835 Halloween is unbearable. 531 00:20:22,293 --> 00:20:25,212 But it was slightly less unbearable with you. 532 00:20:25,421 --> 00:20:26,672 Don't. Okay. 533 00:20:27,172 --> 00:20:30,716 Anyway. We're all going to the bar, so get changed, 534 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,426 'cause you can't be the only one there 535 00:20:32,510 --> 00:20:34,386 not wearing a 'stume. 536 00:20:34,470 --> 00:20:36,305 'Stume! Oh, my God. It caught on. 537 00:20:36,389 --> 00:20:38,098 ALL: No. 538 00:20:39,683 --> 00:20:42,977 Ah, Captain Holt. It is so nice to see you. 539 00:20:43,144 --> 00:20:44,561 Never thought I'd say that. Hmm. 540 00:20:44,645 --> 00:20:46,730 A poor winner. I never would've guessed. 541 00:20:46,814 --> 00:20:47,898 Yeah, you would've. 542 00:20:47,982 --> 00:20:49,690 Way to go all out on your costume, by the way. 543 00:20:49,774 --> 00:20:53,024 I believe you have an announcement to make, so the floor is yours. 544 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,280 [SIGHS] Attention, everyone. 545 00:20:57,197 --> 00:21:01,325 Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius. 546 00:21:02,618 --> 00:21:05,580 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do. 547 00:21:07,998 --> 00:21:09,207 All right. 548 00:21:09,416 --> 00:21:11,584 Officer in the 92nd got the royal baby mugger. 549 00:21:11,668 --> 00:21:13,586 He had 19 wallets in his diaper. 550 00:21:13,753 --> 00:21:15,003 OFFICER: We got a runner! 551 00:21:17,131 --> 00:21:18,339 [GRUNTS] 552 00:21:18,423 --> 00:21:19,591 Damn! 553 00:21:21,134 --> 00:21:22,802 Oh, I didn't tell you. 554 00:21:22,886 --> 00:21:25,095 I got kicked out of ballet school 555 00:21:25,179 --> 00:21:27,556 for beating the crap out of ballerinas. 556 00:21:28,807 --> 00:21:31,100 It's a good thing we gave 'em a heads up. 557 00:21:31,309 --> 00:21:33,478 Team effort. Go, Nine-Nine. 41167

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