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1
00:00:02,588 --> 00:00:05,673
For the last time, the
best cop movies, in order.
2
00:00:05,757 --> 00:00:08,635
Training Day, Lethal Weapon, and Fargo.
3
00:00:08,719 --> 00:00:10,419
-End of discussion.
-PERALTA: Wrong.
4
00:00:10,512 --> 00:00:13,097
Die Hard is the best
cop movie of all time.
5
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,057
One cop heroically saving the day
6
00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:17,017
while everyone else
stands around and watches.
7
00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,401
It's the story of my life.
8
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:22,732
I like Turner and Hooch. Tom
Hanks, a reluctant friendship with a dog.
9
00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:24,857
That hits me where I live. No.
10
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,944
RoboCop. It's got everything I like.
Gratuitous violence.
11
00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:30,571
Oh, I thought you were listing things.
12
00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:31,865
I was. I'm done. Okay.
13
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:34,616
Let's talk Bad Boys.
That's the perfect cop movie.
14
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:36,493
Mr. Smith, looking fine.
15
00:00:36,910 --> 00:00:39,496
A hot cup of Tea Leoni. Come on.
16
00:00:40,122 --> 00:00:42,750
Francois Truffaut's Breathless.
17
00:00:42,875 --> 00:00:43,875
What?
18
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,543
Terry likes foreign films.
19
00:00:45,835 --> 00:00:46,919
Okay.
20
00:00:47,044 --> 00:00:49,213
There is a correct answer
to this question, though.
21
00:00:49,297 --> 00:00:52,175
So, gather round for the
greatest cop film of all time.
22
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:55,635
Please refrain from texting during
our presentation. [CLICKS KEYBOARD]
23
00:00:55,719 --> 00:00:57,504
So, there's Hitchcock,
and there's an old hooker.
24
00:00:57,588 --> 00:00:58,346
[HITCHCOCK GROANS]
25
00:00:58,430 --> 00:00:59,931
-[LAUGHS]
-HITCHCOCK: Come on, guys.
26
00:01:00,015 --> 00:01:02,016
That happened four years ago.
Shh. This is the best part.
27
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:03,976
She comes back, takes the wallet,
28
00:01:04,143 --> 00:01:05,602
and here she goes!
29
00:01:05,686 --> 00:01:06,812
ALL: Oh!
30
00:01:08,147 --> 00:01:10,191
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
31
00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,150
PERALTA: Hey. I love the sweater.
32
00:01:31,335 --> 00:01:33,001
Who you slaying tonight, Lady Killer?
33
00:01:33,085 --> 00:01:36,255
Well, we shall see what we shall see.
34
00:01:36,339 --> 00:01:38,883
No, you're dressed exactly
like "The Lady Killer."
35
00:01:39,509 --> 00:01:40,551
BOYLE: Damn it.
36
00:01:40,885 --> 00:01:43,345
This is Jeffrey Dahmer's
corduroys all over again.
37
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:45,806
All right. Let's get started.
38
00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:48,975
Scully, where are you on
digitizing the old case files?
39
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:51,936
As of yesterday, I
am officially 1 % done.
40
00:01:52,144 --> 00:01:54,394
JEFFORDS: Why are you smiling?
That's nothing.
41
00:01:54,730 --> 00:01:56,273
Well, there's thousands of cases.
And for each one,
42
00:01:56,357 --> 00:01:59,568
I have to fill out 200 little box
thingies on 50 different screens.
43
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:01,277
At least you get to
sit on your butt all day.
44
00:02:01,361 --> 00:02:02,987
That's actually the worst part.
45
00:02:03,196 --> 00:02:05,030
My doctor said I have an anal canyon.
46
00:02:05,114 --> 00:02:06,240
-[ALL GROANING]
-Oh, God.
47
00:02:06,324 --> 00:02:09,410
Scully, why are you always telling
us about your disgusting body?
48
00:02:09,494 --> 00:02:12,162
I don't see anything.
That's because it's all wart.
49
00:02:12,329 --> 00:02:13,664
[RETCHES]
50
00:02:15,916 --> 00:02:17,960
-How are you married?
-HOLT: Peralta.
51
00:02:18,085 --> 00:02:19,919
Where are we on the
Adams Street burglary?
52
00:02:20,003 --> 00:02:21,546
We are very close, Captain.
53
00:02:21,671 --> 00:02:25,090
Aside from a complete absence
of evidence, suspects, or leads.
54
00:02:25,174 --> 00:02:27,134
So, in conclusion, not at all close.
55
00:02:27,468 --> 00:02:29,386
And the Vickers Street
aggravated assault?
56
00:02:29,470 --> 00:02:30,845
PERALTA: Stalled out.
57
00:02:30,929 --> 00:02:32,805
And the Calloway robbery
also remains unsolved,
58
00:02:32,889 --> 00:02:36,184
due to a lack of solving it, by me.
59
00:02:36,268 --> 00:02:38,770
Sounds like someone's
in a little bit of a slump.
60
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:40,020
I'm not in a slump.
61
00:02:40,145 --> 00:02:42,230
You're not? Scoreboard.
62
00:02:42,314 --> 00:02:44,191
PERALTA: I don't slump, people.
63
00:02:44,275 --> 00:02:45,568
I opposite-slump.
64
00:02:45,818 --> 00:02:50,572
I pmuls. That's slump,
backwards and it's what I do.
65
00:02:50,947 --> 00:02:53,991
I pmuls all over this bitch.
66
00:02:54,075 --> 00:02:55,075
Dismissed.
67
00:02:55,159 --> 00:02:56,744
Slump. Pmuls.
68
00:02:59,162 --> 00:03:00,330
Wait.
69
00:03:00,455 --> 00:03:03,082
Before you say anything, I want to
guess what happened based on your face.
70
00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:04,876
Someone died. No!
71
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,085
You won a prize!
72
00:03:06,169 --> 00:03:07,295
I'm not getting better at this.
73
00:03:07,379 --> 00:03:09,296
I'm concerned that the open-cases mound
74
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:10,422
of garbage on your desk
75
00:03:10,506 --> 00:03:11,715
has become so much higher
76
00:03:11,799 --> 00:03:13,509
than the closed-cases mound of garbage.
77
00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:15,719
All right.
Sir, let me hit you with a little analogy.
78
00:03:15,803 --> 00:03:16,929
Are you familiar with race cars?
79
00:03:17,013 --> 00:03:18,305
Formula One or stock?
80
00:03:18,722 --> 00:03:20,389
That's already way
more than I know about it.
81
00:03:20,473 --> 00:03:22,391
The point is, I am a
super awesome race car,
82
00:03:22,475 --> 00:03:24,185
who's hit a couple of
unlucky speed bumps.
83
00:03:24,269 --> 00:03:25,478
There are speed bumps on a race track?
84
00:03:25,562 --> 00:03:27,771
Is that not a part of car racing?
It should be.
85
00:03:27,855 --> 00:03:29,855
All I'm saying is, it's open road again.
86
00:03:30,065 --> 00:03:31,650
I'm about to close a case.
87
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:33,777
Missing grandma, Helen Sterrino.
88
00:03:34,153 --> 00:03:35,737
Last Sunday, her grandson, Judd,
89
00:03:35,821 --> 00:03:38,113
reported she went out for
bagels and never came back.
90
00:03:38,197 --> 00:03:39,198
This morning,
91
00:03:39,282 --> 00:03:41,909
we picked up an old lady
matching her description exactly.
92
00:03:41,993 --> 00:03:44,913
I showed her pictures of
Judd, and she said, and I quote,
93
00:03:45,121 --> 00:03:48,332
[IMITATES OLD WOMAN] That's my grandson.
94
00:03:49,082 --> 00:03:50,375
What did I say about doing voices?
95
00:03:50,459 --> 00:03:52,628
I'm a storyteller, sir. It's my craft.
96
00:03:53,337 --> 00:03:55,088
Anyways, grandson's coming in,
97
00:03:55,172 --> 00:03:58,472
they reunite, and I throw another
case on the old "solved it" pile.
98
00:03:58,966 --> 00:04:00,134
[THUDS]
99
00:04:01,802 --> 00:04:03,262
Hey, my croissant.
100
00:04:08,808 --> 00:04:10,308
You wanted to see me, Captain?
101
00:04:10,393 --> 00:04:12,311
Yes, the DA wanted me
to personally thank you
102
00:04:12,395 --> 00:04:14,397
for your work on the
Jay Street drug bust.
103
00:04:14,481 --> 00:04:15,856
That's why we do this, sir.
104
00:04:16,065 --> 00:04:17,066
For praise?
105
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:18,359
Uh…
106
00:04:18,609 --> 00:04:20,777
There's a community outreach
program that's very important to me.
107
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,011
I was wondering if
you'd like to head it up.
108
00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:24,698
Absolutely, sir.
109
00:04:25,074 --> 00:04:28,158
I won't just head it up, I
will head and shoulders it up.
110
00:04:28,242 --> 00:04:31,287
I will dive in, swim
around it, and just be
111
00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:33,998
all together good with it.
112
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:36,541
Be more articulate when
you speak to the children.
113
00:04:36,625 --> 00:04:38,418
Yes, sir. I will make better mouth.
114
00:04:40,921 --> 00:04:41,921
BOYLE: Hey, Sarge?
115
00:04:42,005 --> 00:04:43,381
I need someone to fill out a lineup.
116
00:04:43,465 --> 00:04:44,757
Will you be Scary Terry?
117
00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:47,009
Oh, I love being Scary Terry.
118
00:04:47,301 --> 00:04:49,177
He says what regular Terry's thinking.
119
00:04:49,261 --> 00:04:50,805
This is taking too long!
120
00:04:51,097 --> 00:04:52,997
I'm going to miss the farmer's market!
121
00:04:53,391 --> 00:04:54,474
But I'm too busy.
122
00:04:54,808 --> 00:04:56,601
I've got a special case I'm working on.
123
00:04:56,685 --> 00:04:57,852
Uh, Hitchcock,
124
00:04:57,936 --> 00:04:59,228
Boyle needs you to fill out a lineup.
125
00:04:59,312 --> 00:05:01,012
Oh, great. I'll take my shirt off.
126
00:05:01,147 --> 00:05:02,648
No one asked you to take your shirt off.
127
00:05:02,732 --> 00:05:04,649
Stop volunteering to take your shirt off.
128
00:05:04,733 --> 00:05:06,683
I can't hear you. Shirt's over my ears.
129
00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:08,821
Hi, Rosa.
130
00:05:08,946 --> 00:05:11,239
Oh, I like your shoes.
They're a really pretty… What do you need?
131
00:05:11,323 --> 00:05:12,491
Color. Okay.
132
00:05:12,783 --> 00:05:14,909
You know how, every
year, the precinct does that
133
00:05:14,993 --> 00:05:16,243
Junior Police Program seminar?
134
00:05:16,327 --> 00:05:18,037
That thing where we try
to get a bunch of loser kids
135
00:05:18,121 --> 00:05:19,471
to become student snitches?
136
00:05:19,956 --> 00:05:22,374
Mmm. No. The thing where
we try to get at-risk kids…
137
00:05:22,458 --> 00:05:22,937
Losers.
138
00:05:23,021 --> 00:05:24,542
to sign up to become
Junior Police Officers.
139
00:05:24,626 --> 00:05:25,877
Snitches. What about it?
140
00:05:25,961 --> 00:05:28,296
Captain specifically
asked me to run it this year.
141
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:29,964
And I signed you up to do it with me.
Here's the info.
142
00:05:30,048 --> 00:05:31,648
Now, I've got to read something?
143
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,634
Greetings. Fine.
144
00:05:33,718 --> 00:05:35,886
I guess I can help you
with those at-risk kids.
145
00:05:35,970 --> 00:05:37,429
[SCOFFS] I don't need your help.
146
00:05:37,513 --> 00:05:39,113
It's nothing personal, it's just
147
00:05:39,223 --> 00:05:41,642
you're not a cop, so I'm
not really sure you can help.
148
00:05:41,726 --> 00:05:44,518
Mmm-kay.
No hard feelings, but I hate you.
149
00:05:44,602 --> 00:05:46,146
Not joking. Bye.
150
00:05:48,023 --> 00:05:49,024
PERALTA: Ah.
151
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,067
Mr. and Mrs. Sterrino,
I'm glad you're here.
152
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:53,443
May I present to you…
[IMITATES TRUMPET SOUND]
153
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:56,988
Oh, my darlings. Thank God I found you.
154
00:05:57,072 --> 00:05:59,950
Oh, look at those beautiful cheeks.
155
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:01,759
I have no idea who this lady is.
156
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,869
I've never seen her before in my life.
157
00:06:03,953 --> 00:06:06,038
What? No, she recognized you.
158
00:06:06,122 --> 00:06:08,165
This is Helen. Who is Helen?
159
00:06:08,249 --> 00:06:09,291
HELEN: Oh!
160
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:12,335
There's my husband. Solomon.
161
00:06:12,586 --> 00:06:14,186
I'm, I'm not really her husband.
162
00:06:14,379 --> 00:06:17,132
You're so much shorter
than you used to be.
163
00:06:17,257 --> 00:06:19,426
What did the Japanese do to you?
164
00:06:19,885 --> 00:06:21,260
Different generation.
165
00:06:21,510 --> 00:06:25,389
Okay. This is Ethel Musterberg from
the Prospect Heights Senior Center.
166
00:06:25,556 --> 00:06:27,556
There was an ID card in her back pocket.
167
00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:29,726
Why was your hand in her back pocket?
168
00:06:29,810 --> 00:06:32,061
Well, she told me she didn't have any ID.
169
00:06:32,145 --> 00:06:35,245
And unlike Boyle, my first
instinct was not to caress her butt.
170
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,442
Frisked. I frisked her butt.
171
00:06:37,567 --> 00:06:40,611
It looks like this case
remains unsolved, Peralta.
172
00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:42,362
Oh, my God.
173
00:06:42,905 --> 00:06:44,198
I'm in a slump!
174
00:06:49,036 --> 00:06:51,161
Oh, cool.
You're all here in the break room.
175
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,955
You asked us to come in here. What?
176
00:06:53,039 --> 00:06:54,623
Here's a hypothetical question.
177
00:06:54,707 --> 00:06:56,208
Let's say I knew someone that,
178
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:57,584
for the first time in their career
179
00:06:57,668 --> 00:07:00,337
was experiencing, like, a minor slump.
180
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,630
What do you think you
would suggest to that person
181
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:03,798
if they were going through that?
182
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,259
Well, I haven't really been
in a slump since my divorce.
183
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,678
So, I'd tell this person
to maybe get divorced.
184
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,095
He'd have to get married first.
185
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:13,432
Okay. So, the suggestion to beat
is, "Get married and then divorced."
186
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:14,599
Rosa?
187
00:07:14,683 --> 00:07:16,435
Fly to Montreal, hit a classy hotel bar,
188
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,919
bone a stranger. Slump over.
189
00:07:18,145 --> 00:07:19,311
PERALTA: Wow, that sounds amazing. Yeah.
190
00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:20,438
That's a good one.
191
00:07:20,522 --> 00:07:21,689
Sarge, what would you do?
192
00:07:21,773 --> 00:07:22,982
Ten thousand sit-ups.
193
00:07:23,191 --> 00:07:26,402
Okay. Do you have a backup
plan in case my hypothetical person
194
00:07:26,486 --> 00:07:28,946
can only do 9500? Or three?
195
00:07:29,279 --> 00:07:30,780
-What's going on in here?
-PERALTA: [SIGHS] Oh, no.
196
00:07:30,864 --> 00:07:32,741
We're helping Jake's
friend get out of a slump.
197
00:07:32,825 --> 00:07:34,909
HOLT: Or try working a
case until it's solved, Peralta.
198
00:07:34,993 --> 00:07:38,496
I always find that closing cases
is the best way to end a slump.
199
00:07:39,997 --> 00:07:42,083
-Thank you, Captain.
-JEFFORDS: He's right.
200
00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:43,501
You just need a win.
201
00:07:43,626 --> 00:07:46,128
Pick your easiest, no-brainer
case, and work it until it's done.
202
00:07:46,212 --> 00:07:47,212
PERALTA: Fine.
203
00:07:47,296 --> 00:07:49,964
Right after I do Rosa's Montreal
sex thing. That sounds fun.
204
00:07:50,048 --> 00:07:51,133
Yeah.
205
00:07:52,425 --> 00:07:53,468
Okay.
206
00:07:53,552 --> 00:07:56,930
This is the Junior Police Program, aka
207
00:07:57,222 --> 00:07:58,388
"Mission Possible."
208
00:07:58,472 --> 00:07:59,598
[MUSIC PLAYING]
209
00:08:02,309 --> 00:08:04,979
Your mission, should
you choose to accept it,
210
00:08:05,104 --> 00:08:07,313
is to get your life back on track.
211
00:08:07,397 --> 00:08:09,190
GINA: [COUGHS] Narc!
212
00:08:09,315 --> 00:08:10,900
-[ALL LAUGH]
-SANTIAGO: Hey, Gina.
213
00:08:10,984 --> 00:08:12,443
-What are you doing?
-GINA: Oh, hi, Amy.
214
00:08:12,527 --> 00:08:14,737
Since I have nothing to
offer, since I'm not a cop,
215
00:08:14,821 --> 00:08:16,780
I thought I'd just show up and learn.
216
00:08:17,156 --> 00:08:18,239
You want to help me out here?
217
00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:19,491
No, I think I'm good.
218
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,742
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
219
00:08:20,951 --> 00:08:23,829
I know you think
getting in trouble is cool.
220
00:08:23,954 --> 00:08:25,580
But let me show you what can happen
221
00:08:25,664 --> 00:08:27,415
if you continue down this path.
222
00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:31,376
Hey, yo. I'm an at-risk kid,
and I think it's cool to sell drugs.
223
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:34,505
Hold up. Why does the kid
selling drugs sound like he's black?
224
00:08:34,589 --> 00:08:36,089
He's not. Well, why not?
225
00:08:36,173 --> 00:08:38,925
Are you saying that black
people can't sell drugs?
226
00:08:39,009 --> 00:08:40,301
No, I'm not saying that.
227
00:08:40,385 --> 00:08:43,387
If we have a black president,
why can't black people sell drugs?
228
00:08:43,471 --> 00:08:44,722
I'm so confused.
229
00:08:44,806 --> 00:08:46,807
Black people can sell drugs.
230
00:08:46,891 --> 00:08:49,059
ALL [CHANTING]:
Black people can sell drugs!
231
00:08:49,143 --> 00:08:56,143
Black people can sell drugs!
Black people can sell drugs!
232
00:08:57,942 --> 00:08:58,943
[GRUNTS]
233
00:08:59,569 --> 00:09:00,945
[GROANS]
234
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:03,179
JEFFORDS: Don't make me hit you again.
235
00:09:05,616 --> 00:09:08,327
Um, I'm building this
doll house for my girls.
236
00:09:08,452 --> 00:09:09,661
It's their birthday tomorrow.
237
00:09:09,745 --> 00:09:11,246
I told my wife I'd get it done.
238
00:09:11,330 --> 00:09:13,380
I had the same exact
one when I was a kid.
239
00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:16,792
Mom! Charles is hogging my doll house!
240
00:09:16,876 --> 00:09:18,794
Grandma bought it for the both of us!
241
00:09:19,170 --> 00:09:20,770
You want some help, big man? No.
242
00:09:20,963 --> 00:09:22,089
I can do this.
243
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:23,382
[SIGHS]
244
00:09:23,466 --> 00:09:25,266
It's just driving me a little crazy.
245
00:09:25,717 --> 00:09:27,817
Where do I affix the
princess tower, Boyle?
246
00:09:28,428 --> 00:09:29,638
Where do I affix it?
247
00:09:29,888 --> 00:09:31,938
On the side of the turret.
Not now, Boyle.
248
00:09:32,641 --> 00:09:33,741
Let a brother breathe.
249
00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:36,268
Let a brother breathe.
250
00:09:38,187 --> 00:09:39,787
Why would I swap cases with you?
251
00:09:39,897 --> 00:09:42,482
I got multiple calls that a
guy in the Sackett Towers
252
00:09:42,566 --> 00:09:45,317
is dealing meth out of his apartment.
It's a guaranteed arrest.
253
00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:47,611
And, therefore, will
have a ton of paperwork,
254
00:09:47,695 --> 00:09:48,988
which I know you hate.
255
00:09:49,072 --> 00:09:51,908
I have a murder here with
no leads and no evidence.
256
00:09:52,075 --> 00:09:53,283
It's unsolvable.
257
00:09:53,617 --> 00:09:55,994
And thus, shall have no paperwork.
258
00:09:56,995 --> 00:09:58,663
You had me at "no paperwork."
259
00:09:58,747 --> 00:10:00,647
That was the very end of the sentence.
260
00:10:00,874 --> 00:10:02,833
All right, Boyle. Let's hit it.
261
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,543
So, where are you going, Peralta?
262
00:10:04,627 --> 00:10:06,545
I am on my way to ending the slump.
263
00:10:06,671 --> 00:10:08,589
I got a dunker, Captain. Nothing but net.
264
00:10:08,673 --> 00:10:11,523
Hey, Slump. You're about to
get nailed by the Jake-hammer.
265
00:10:11,759 --> 00:10:13,426
So, you haven't solved
any of your old cases
266
00:10:13,510 --> 00:10:15,052
and yet, you've taken on a new one.
267
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,721
I mean, shouldn't you at least solve this
268
00:10:16,805 --> 00:10:18,347
Helen Sterrino
missing-grandmother case first?
269
00:10:18,431 --> 00:10:20,224
Or I could solve this super easy one,
270
00:10:20,308 --> 00:10:22,642
get my mojo back, and move
on to catching the Zodiac killer.
271
00:10:22,726 --> 00:10:24,603
Am I getting ahead of myself?
No, you are not, Jake-rabbit.
272
00:10:24,687 --> 00:10:26,687
I like Jake-hammer better. Let's go. Ah.
273
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,484
I did not think getting these
kids to sign up would be this hard.
274
00:10:32,568 --> 00:10:34,486
[SCOFFS] These kids
don't want to listen to you.
275
00:10:34,570 --> 00:10:36,697
You're, like, smart and articulate.
276
00:10:36,781 --> 00:10:39,158
So are you. Why am I offended by that?
277
00:10:39,325 --> 00:10:42,202
They don't identify with you because
you're not from the streets. I am.
278
00:10:42,286 --> 00:10:43,912
Follow. Watch. Learn.
279
00:10:45,789 --> 00:10:46,839
All right, listen up.
280
00:10:47,207 --> 00:10:49,167
I know you think you're badasses. Ow.
281
00:10:49,251 --> 00:10:50,701
But deep down, you're scared.
282
00:10:50,961 --> 00:10:52,211
How do I know?
283
00:10:52,628 --> 00:10:54,578
Because I've been that same scared kid.
284
00:10:55,131 --> 00:10:56,840
And if you don't get your crap together,
285
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:59,718
I'm going to end up busting
you and throwing you in jail.
286
00:10:59,802 --> 00:11:00,802
Got it?
287
00:11:02,012 --> 00:11:03,638
Remix, yo. [BEEPS]
288
00:11:03,722 --> 00:11:05,306
-[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
-♪ Throwing you in jail ♪
289
00:11:05,390 --> 00:11:08,018
-♪ Throwing you in jail ♪
-[ALL LAUGH]
290
00:11:08,518 --> 00:11:10,185
♪ Throwing you in jail
throwing you in jail ♪
291
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:12,479
What's happening?
I think they're laughing at you.
292
00:11:12,563 --> 00:11:14,013
That's never happened before.
293
00:11:15,482 --> 00:11:16,483
I don't like it.
294
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:17,693
♪ Got it? ♪
295
00:11:20,403 --> 00:11:21,571
[WHISPERS] Okay.
296
00:11:22,322 --> 00:11:23,781
PERALTA: Freeze!
NYPD Hands where I can see them.
297
00:11:23,865 --> 00:11:26,075
Hands! Don't shoot!
I was just practicing my minuets,
298
00:11:26,159 --> 00:11:27,284
but I'll hold it down.
299
00:11:27,368 --> 00:11:28,911
All right, flute man.
Who else is in this apartment?
300
00:11:28,995 --> 00:11:30,120
Where's the dealer?
301
00:11:30,287 --> 00:11:32,080
-I live here alone with my birds.
-[BIRDS SCREECHING]
302
00:11:32,164 --> 00:11:33,748
PERALTA: What, you
don't think I know this MO?
303
00:11:33,832 --> 00:11:35,875
These are mules. They're drug mules.
304
00:11:35,959 --> 00:11:37,460
They're bird mule drugs.
305
00:11:37,544 --> 00:11:38,878
Drug-bird mules.
306
00:11:38,962 --> 00:11:40,003
BOYLE: Apartment's clear.
307
00:11:40,087 --> 00:11:41,755
We got multiple calls
about a dealer here.
308
00:11:41,839 --> 00:11:44,258
I bet it's the silly kids down the hall.
309
00:11:44,383 --> 00:11:45,733
They love prank calling me.
310
00:11:45,968 --> 00:11:48,637
The only drugs in this
apartment are for my heart,
311
00:11:48,763 --> 00:11:50,096
my liver, my kidney,
312
00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:51,597
my salivary glands, [SIGHS]
313
00:11:51,681 --> 00:11:53,266
And my penis, and my feet.
314
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:57,062
Oh. The bird pooped on your shoulder.
315
00:11:57,354 --> 00:12:01,315
No, wait. It pooped on your head,
then dripped onto your shoulder.
316
00:12:03,442 --> 00:12:05,235
BOYLE: I'm telling you, it's good luck.
317
00:12:05,319 --> 00:12:06,779
No, it isn't. Okay?
318
00:12:06,945 --> 00:12:09,196
That's just something people
say when a bird poops on you
319
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,948
to make you feel better
because it's terrible.
320
00:12:11,032 --> 00:12:12,825
Four coming in!
321
00:12:12,950 --> 00:12:14,494
Oh, come on.
322
00:12:14,994 --> 00:12:16,036
I was at the crime scene.
323
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,747
This guy comes up out
of nowhere, confesses.
324
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,415
Well, he says he's got
to make things right,
325
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:23,001
so he helps me track
down his accomplices.
326
00:12:23,085 --> 00:12:24,628
That is so great, man.
327
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,862
Looks like everything's
coming up Hitchcock.
328
00:12:29,965 --> 00:12:32,259
Hey, Jake, you busy?
329
00:12:32,343 --> 00:12:34,637
Yes, I very clearly am busy.
330
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,054
The medical examiner's
office just called,
331
00:12:37,138 --> 00:12:38,889
they mishandled some evidence,
332
00:12:38,973 --> 00:12:41,892
so the DA is going to have
to dismiss your last two busts.
333
00:12:41,976 --> 00:12:43,269
[GROANS] Great.
334
00:12:43,353 --> 00:12:44,813
And the slump gets worse.
335
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:48,398
I don't think it's a slump.
Honestly, you are straight-up cursed.
336
00:12:48,482 --> 00:12:49,650
Good to know.
337
00:13:00,451 --> 00:13:02,620
Can you hand me a
paper towel, please, Gina?
338
00:13:04,372 --> 00:13:05,623
There's no more left.
339
00:13:05,748 --> 00:13:07,374
Yeah, that sounds right.
340
00:13:08,792 --> 00:13:10,251
-Uh.
-[SQUELCHING]
341
00:13:10,335 --> 00:13:11,378
Hey.
342
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,212
You're dripping on my carpet.
343
00:13:13,296 --> 00:13:15,496
Oh, don't worry, sir.
It's just urinal water.
344
00:13:16,215 --> 00:13:17,466
Clean urinal water.
345
00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:18,950
You could eat off his shirt.
346
00:13:19,135 --> 00:13:20,885
Why would I ever eat off his shirt?
347
00:13:21,262 --> 00:13:24,097
Look. Sir, I don't know what's
going on, but I think I'm cursed.
348
00:13:24,181 --> 00:13:25,264
Cursed, huh?
349
00:13:25,348 --> 00:13:26,807
The freakiest things have
been happening to me.
350
00:13:26,891 --> 00:13:28,225
I mean, I can't solve
a case to save my life,
351
00:13:28,309 --> 00:13:30,061
birds are unloading on me left and right,
352
00:13:30,145 --> 00:13:31,604
and two seconds ago…
353
00:13:32,147 --> 00:13:34,497
Hey, Sarge, do we have
any old T-shirts in here?
354
00:13:34,607 --> 00:13:35,816
[CRASHES]
355
00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:37,443
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
356
00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:40,696
Cursed.
357
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,871
Yeah, I've seen this
kind of thing before.
358
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,032
It happened to a friend of
mine back in the One-Eight.
359
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:46,241
Detective Smith.
360
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:47,493
We called him Smitty.
361
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,788
He thought he was cursed and,
because cops are superstitious,
362
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,456
the whole precinct thought he was cursed.
363
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,290
But then, he found a
case and he solved it,
364
00:13:54,374 --> 00:13:55,875
and now he's married to Kate Upton. No.
365
00:13:55,959 --> 00:13:57,293
No one would go out on calls with him.
366
00:13:57,377 --> 00:13:59,879
He responded to a riot
at a gym without backup
367
00:13:59,963 --> 00:14:02,048
and got beaten up by
a girls' volleyball team.
368
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:05,134
-It was actually quite violent.
-BOYLE: Man!
369
00:14:05,384 --> 00:14:06,844
Girls are so scary.
370
00:14:07,678 --> 00:14:09,679
HOLT: I don't want you
out in the field again, Peralta.
371
00:14:09,763 --> 00:14:10,764
I'm pulling you from case work.
372
00:14:10,848 --> 00:14:13,350
You can digitize old files with Scully.
You're benching me?
373
00:14:13,434 --> 00:14:15,101
No, no, no. Look. I've got a plan.
374
00:14:15,185 --> 00:14:16,811
Give all my open cases to Hitchcock,
375
00:14:16,895 --> 00:14:19,021
who's suddenly on a roll,
and assign me 20 fresh ones.
376
00:14:19,105 --> 00:14:20,398
Eventually, my luck will turn.
377
00:14:20,482 --> 00:14:22,691
No, I don't think that's what's
best for you or the squad.
378
00:14:22,775 --> 00:14:25,026
Not until this blows over.
And how long will that be?
379
00:14:25,110 --> 00:14:27,112
Could be a week, could be a month.
380
00:14:27,488 --> 00:14:29,281
Could be a year, could be a decade.
381
00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:32,590
Sorry, we were just saying
bigger and bigger numbers.
382
00:14:33,659 --> 00:14:35,327
I don't know how to
connect with these kids.
383
00:14:35,411 --> 00:14:38,206
They're mean and
shallow, and respect nothing.
384
00:14:38,414 --> 00:14:40,124
I mean, what kind of person
would they even listen to?
385
00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:41,375
GINA: Hitchcock,
386
00:14:41,876 --> 00:14:43,876
stop bringing your food in
little Tupperware containers.
387
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,962
It hurts my fingers
when I'm trying to open it.
388
00:14:46,046 --> 00:14:47,088
HITCHCOCK: Sorry.
389
00:14:49,633 --> 00:14:52,717
Hey, Gina. That's a super cute…
390
00:14:52,801 --> 00:14:54,845
-What do you want?
-sweater. Okay.
391
00:14:55,221 --> 00:14:58,306
Rosa and I think it would be
great if you'd talk to the kids.
392
00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:00,601
Mmm. I thought only cops could help.
393
00:15:00,768 --> 00:15:03,060
In this case, not being a
cop might actually be better.
394
00:15:03,144 --> 00:15:04,687
Mmm. That's true in all cases.
395
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,731
Cops are the worst.
396
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:10,901
"Enter the numbers from this
report [KEYBOARD CLACKING]
397
00:15:10,985 --> 00:15:12,694
"Into the corresponding
boxes on this screen.
398
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:15,447
"Then, fill out these fields."
And I'm in a coma.
399
00:15:15,989 --> 00:15:17,157
Hey, Hitchcock.
400
00:15:17,241 --> 00:15:18,700
Help me out, man. I'm so bored.
401
00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:20,076
Let me jump back on that murder with you.
402
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,869
No, I got it.
403
00:15:21,994 --> 00:15:23,745
Come on, man. Let me just see the file.
No, don't touch it!
404
00:15:23,829 --> 00:15:25,873
You're contagious.
Everything could fall apart!
405
00:15:25,957 --> 00:15:27,374
Peralta, leave Hitchcock alone.
406
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:28,501
HOLT: Come here.
407
00:15:30,294 --> 00:15:31,752
[SIGHS] Now, I got in touch with Smitty.
408
00:15:31,836 --> 00:15:34,589
He says that you should rub this
rabbit's foot with your left forefinger
409
00:15:34,673 --> 00:15:37,050
and your pinky like this for good luck.
410
00:15:37,425 --> 00:15:39,135
Okay? Now, you try it.
411
00:15:39,761 --> 00:15:40,928
Okay.
412
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:42,805
Yep.
413
00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:45,432
It's definitely helping. I can feel it.
414
00:15:46,225 --> 00:15:48,226
The curse is lifting off of me.
415
00:15:48,310 --> 00:15:49,519
Ah, hand cramp.
416
00:15:49,603 --> 00:15:51,187
Rub, rub, rub.
417
00:15:51,271 --> 00:15:52,271
[JEFFORDS GROANING]
418
00:15:52,355 --> 00:15:53,564
[SIGHS]
419
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:54,983
[SOBBING]
420
00:15:55,692 --> 00:15:56,776
You okay?
421
00:15:57,527 --> 00:16:00,112
The Fairy Princess
Castle has defeated me.
422
00:16:00,696 --> 00:16:01,989
I'm a grown man
423
00:16:02,406 --> 00:16:04,491
with man-hands and a man-brain.
424
00:16:04,575 --> 00:16:07,577
I should be able to put together a
doll house in less than four hours.
425
00:16:07,661 --> 00:16:09,954
Why does it have to be so hard?
426
00:16:10,997 --> 00:16:12,039
Look.
427
00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:14,250
This screw has three pointy sides
428
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:16,627
and nowhere to screw it in!
429
00:16:16,961 --> 00:16:18,045
-[SCREW CLATTERS]
-[SOBBING]
430
00:16:18,129 --> 00:16:19,671
And there's wheels.
431
00:16:20,088 --> 00:16:23,133
What kind of castle has wheels?
432
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,552
Ahhh!
433
00:16:26,845 --> 00:16:28,096
[GROANING]
434
00:16:29,263 --> 00:16:31,515
117A. Yes.
435
00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:32,849
117B. Yes.
436
00:16:32,933 --> 00:16:34,226
18A.
437
00:16:36,437 --> 00:16:37,855
Wait a minute.
438
00:16:42,358 --> 00:16:43,359
PERALTA: Hey.
439
00:16:43,484 --> 00:16:44,652
Just heading to the can.
440
00:16:44,736 --> 00:16:46,112
Take the rabbit's foot.
441
00:16:47,779 --> 00:16:48,780
Roger that.
442
00:16:53,702 --> 00:16:54,994
Hey. Hey. What's going on?
443
00:16:55,078 --> 00:16:56,538
Well, I'm not allowed to leave my desk,
444
00:16:56,622 --> 00:16:57,871
so we have to meet in here.
445
00:16:57,955 --> 00:17:00,455
So, what you're saying
is that this is kind of a…
446
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:03,377
No. For the last time, Charles,
we don't need a clubhouse!
447
00:17:03,461 --> 00:17:04,712
Clubhouse!
448
00:17:05,129 --> 00:17:07,505
[SINGSONG] Clubhouse.
449
00:17:08,006 --> 00:17:10,091
You know what I'm thinking. No clubhouse.
450
00:17:11,176 --> 00:17:13,636
I need you to make these calls for me.
Don't let Holt see you.
451
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,763
But if my hunch is
right, the slump is over.
452
00:17:15,847 --> 00:17:17,847
Come through for me, Boyle.
All right. You know I will.
453
00:17:17,931 --> 00:17:19,849
I'm just saying, put a couple
of leather chairs in here.
454
00:17:19,933 --> 00:17:20,976
Go!
455
00:17:23,771 --> 00:17:24,771
Children.
456
00:17:24,855 --> 00:17:28,399
Your problem is not that
you're troubled or at-risk
457
00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:30,860
or bad dressers. Is that a trucker hat?
458
00:17:31,277 --> 00:17:32,820
Still? Come on.
459
00:17:33,321 --> 00:17:36,948
Your problem is that you
don't have passion for anything.
460
00:17:37,407 --> 00:17:41,244
My life turned around
when I found my passion.
461
00:17:41,870 --> 00:17:45,165
And today, well, I hope
to inspire you with it.
462
00:17:46,957 --> 00:17:48,042
[MUSIC PLAYING]
463
00:17:48,709 --> 00:17:50,753
Mmm-mm-mm
464
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:57,467
You are beautiful no matter what they say
465
00:17:57,842 --> 00:18:01,846
Words can't bring you down
466
00:18:02,180 --> 00:18:04,391
No, no
467
00:18:05,099 --> 00:18:09,978
You are beautiful in every single way
468
00:18:10,062 --> 00:18:11,438
-[MUSIC STOPS]
-[CHUCKLES]
469
00:18:11,522 --> 00:18:13,023
[SIGHS] What are we thinking?
470
00:18:13,482 --> 00:18:14,690
Yes, in the denim.
471
00:18:14,774 --> 00:18:16,066
I think I speak for everyone
472
00:18:16,150 --> 00:18:18,528
when I say your weird
dancing was just weird.
473
00:18:18,778 --> 00:18:19,987
-[ALL MURMURING]
-Fine.
474
00:18:20,113 --> 00:18:23,491
Cops make $52,000 a year, you
never have to stop at a red light,
475
00:18:23,783 --> 00:18:26,493
and you get to carry a gun. Who wants in?
476
00:18:27,202 --> 00:18:29,037
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yes.
477
00:18:29,538 --> 00:18:31,706
Oh, my God.
You got eight kids to sign up.
478
00:18:31,790 --> 00:18:32,915
How did you know that would work?
479
00:18:32,999 --> 00:18:34,958
That's what made me
sign up when I was a kid.
480
00:18:35,042 --> 00:18:37,044
You did this program? Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
481
00:18:37,169 --> 00:18:38,838
It does not work.
482
00:18:41,382 --> 00:18:42,633
They're here.
483
00:18:43,508 --> 00:18:45,593
Fantastic. Too dramatic? No.
484
00:18:45,677 --> 00:18:47,554
Hi. Why are we in the bathroom?
485
00:18:47,679 --> 00:18:50,014
I thought you might ask that,
and I will answer in due time.
486
00:18:50,098 --> 00:18:53,142
But first, I know what happened
to your grandma. Nothing.
487
00:18:53,267 --> 00:18:54,434
What are you talking about?
488
00:18:54,518 --> 00:18:57,103
The reason I couldn't find her
is because she never existed.
489
00:18:57,187 --> 00:18:58,938
I had Detective Boyle make some calls,
490
00:18:59,022 --> 00:19:01,072
and it turns out you've done this before.
491
00:19:01,525 --> 00:19:04,277
Five missing persons
reports in five different states.
492
00:19:04,402 --> 00:19:06,552
Recognize this?
What are you accusing us of?
493
00:19:06,654 --> 00:19:09,448
Probably insurance fraud.
Definitely filing a false report
494
00:19:09,532 --> 00:19:10,866
and obstruction of justice.
495
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:13,034
Now, you were wondering
why we did this in the bathroom.
496
00:19:13,118 --> 00:19:14,202
It's because you're full of crap.
497
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:15,986
Blammo. Jake-hammer strikes again.
498
00:19:16,079 --> 00:19:17,829
PERALTA: Jake-hammer strikes again.
499
00:19:18,039 --> 00:19:19,040
Detectives.
500
00:19:19,166 --> 00:19:21,584
I see we got eight recruits
for the Junior Police Program?
501
00:19:21,668 --> 00:19:23,001
Outstanding.
502
00:19:23,085 --> 00:19:24,294
Thank you, sir.
503
00:19:24,378 --> 00:19:26,546
But as important as your praise is to me,
504
00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:28,215
it should actually go to Gina.
505
00:19:28,299 --> 00:19:29,591
She's the one that
got through to the kids.
506
00:19:29,675 --> 00:19:31,302
Yes. I am amazing.
507
00:19:31,634 --> 00:19:33,762
And I only ask for
one thing in repayment.
508
00:19:34,471 --> 00:19:35,763
A 600% raise.
509
00:19:35,847 --> 00:19:38,140
Or I could give you a 0% raise
510
00:19:38,224 --> 00:19:41,143
and make you my personal
assistant, which is what I'm doing.
511
00:19:41,227 --> 00:19:42,602
I think you have hidden talents,
512
00:19:42,686 --> 00:19:44,437
which will make you
surprisingly good at the job.
513
00:19:44,521 --> 00:19:47,274
No. I have no talents. You start Monday.
514
00:19:48,150 --> 00:19:49,151
Ugh.
515
00:19:49,651 --> 00:19:52,069
Constantly getting Holt's
approval is the worst.
516
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,238
Yes. I can only imagine.
517
00:19:54,822 --> 00:19:57,658
Well. The curse is over.
The slump is done.
518
00:19:57,742 --> 00:19:58,742
Jake is back.
519
00:19:58,826 --> 00:20:01,369
Permission to take a selfie of the
two of us, sir? Permission denied.
520
00:20:01,453 --> 00:20:02,662
Too late. [CAMERA CLICKS]
521
00:20:02,746 --> 00:20:04,206
Ah. That was a good one.
522
00:20:04,998 --> 00:20:06,708
So, the rabbit's foot worked, huh?
523
00:20:06,792 --> 00:20:07,917
Ah, maybe.
524
00:20:08,001 --> 00:20:09,502
All I know is, my mind was so numb
525
00:20:09,586 --> 00:20:11,086
from doing all that boring data entry
526
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:13,422
that my brain kind of rebooted
and I had an inspiration
527
00:20:13,506 --> 00:20:14,840
about one of my old cases.
528
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,719
And I now see that that
was your plan all along.
529
00:20:18,803 --> 00:20:20,177
And that you're capable of smiling.
530
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:23,306
All talented detectives have
their ups and downs, Peralta.
531
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,891
So, you think I'm talented.
You said it, no take-backs.
532
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,685
You know why Boyle doesn't slump?
533
00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:28,978
Because his whole life is a slump?
534
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,937
Because he doesn't let
adversity get him down.
535
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,731
He keeps grinding.
536
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,649
If I had given you those new cases,
537
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,193
the second you hit a snag,
you would have spiraled again.
538
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:39,427
You need to stay out of your own head.
Okay.
539
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:41,238
But, sir, I don't get it.
If that was your plan,
540
00:20:41,322 --> 00:20:42,948
why bother with Smitty
and the rabbit's foot?
541
00:20:43,032 --> 00:20:44,366
Well, there's a very
good reason for that.
542
00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:45,784
I was, uh…
543
00:20:45,868 --> 00:20:49,204
I believe the term is,
uh, "messing with you."
544
00:20:49,913 --> 00:20:51,164
Oh.
545
00:20:51,498 --> 00:20:52,999
I see what's going on here.
546
00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:55,168
We're becoming homies.
547
00:20:56,169 --> 00:20:58,319
Office Christmas card
candidate, right here.
548
00:20:58,504 --> 00:21:00,089
Me and Holt are homies!
549
00:21:01,215 --> 00:21:02,508
Hey, Sarge.
550
00:21:02,758 --> 00:21:04,343
I assembled the castle for you.
551
00:21:04,677 --> 00:21:05,886
Here it is.
552
00:21:06,512 --> 00:21:08,262
[CHUCKLES] What? What happened to all
553
00:21:08,346 --> 00:21:09,388
the princess flourishes?
554
00:21:09,472 --> 00:21:10,806
BOYLE: Well, they were destroyed,
555
00:21:10,890 --> 00:21:12,641
so I turned it into a
princess police station.
556
00:21:12,725 --> 00:21:14,268
You know, some jobs take brains,
557
00:21:14,352 --> 00:21:15,853
some jobs take muscles,
558
00:21:15,937 --> 00:21:18,856
some jobs take dainty little fingers.
559
00:21:19,147 --> 00:21:21,441
Did I ever tell you I had to
wear a woman's wedding ring?
560
00:21:21,525 --> 00:21:23,694
Thank you, Boyle. I appreciate it.
561
00:21:23,944 --> 00:21:25,069
You're a good dad.
562
00:21:25,153 --> 00:21:27,103
Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
563
00:21:27,405 --> 00:21:28,655
Oh, check this out.
564
00:21:28,739 --> 00:21:30,574
-Working siren.
-[SIREN WAILING]
565
00:21:30,658 --> 00:21:32,608
I'll fix that! I'll fix, I'll fix that.
42438
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