All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S01E02 - The Tagger.eng.SDH

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian Download
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American) Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,335 --> 00:00:05,837 Ah. Captain. 2 00:00:06,045 --> 00:00:07,170 You're at my desk. 3 00:00:07,254 --> 00:00:09,005 Just what I want to see first thing in the morning. 4 00:00:09,089 --> 00:00:10,757 You're three minutes late, Peralta. 5 00:00:10,841 --> 00:00:11,925 Not my fault. 6 00:00:12,050 --> 00:00:13,300 I had a plumbing problem. 7 00:00:13,552 --> 00:00:15,053 -[PHONE ALARM RINGING] -[GROANING] 8 00:00:15,137 --> 00:00:16,138 [GRUNTING] 9 00:00:17,639 --> 00:00:21,139 Which reminds me, I'm going to need a new, departmentally-issued phone. 10 00:00:21,809 --> 00:00:23,685 Oh, come on. Really? I'm a few minutes late, 11 00:00:23,769 --> 00:00:25,312 so you're going to call me out in front of everyone? 12 00:00:25,396 --> 00:00:27,189 Good idea. Everyone? 13 00:00:27,273 --> 00:00:29,900 Gather around so I can call out Peralta in front of you. 14 00:00:29,984 --> 00:00:32,945 Okay. Fine. I was three minutes late. 15 00:00:33,070 --> 00:00:34,987 I'm sorry for doing one thing wrong. 16 00:00:35,071 --> 00:00:36,989 Oh, it's more than one thing. Uh-oh. 17 00:00:37,073 --> 00:00:38,616 Let's start with the Kristov murder. 18 00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:40,868 It was an amazing solve. I got him to confess in 20 minutes. 19 00:00:40,952 --> 00:00:42,286 You also mislabeled the evidence. 20 00:00:42,370 --> 00:00:45,873 So that confession is worthless if the sergeant hadn't caught your mistake. 21 00:00:45,957 --> 00:00:48,251 Here are three cases with sloppy paperwork. 22 00:00:48,335 --> 00:00:49,752 Here are two pictures. 23 00:00:50,794 --> 00:00:54,422 One is your locker. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. 24 00:00:54,506 --> 00:00:56,759 Can you tell which is which? 25 00:00:59,762 --> 00:01:01,805 That one's the dump? They're both your locker. 26 00:01:01,889 --> 00:01:03,305 Ah, I should have guessed that. He's good. 27 00:01:03,389 --> 00:01:06,809 This folder is labeled, "Undies, dirty." 28 00:01:06,893 --> 00:01:08,993 So I won't confuse it with "Undies, clean." 29 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,729 Also, who cares about all these rules? 30 00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:13,274 I have more felony arrests than any other detective here. 31 00:01:13,358 --> 00:01:16,859 You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective. 32 00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:17,944 [PERALTA GASPING] 33 00:01:18,028 --> 00:01:19,862 -Algernon! -[ALL EXCLAIMING] 34 00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,864 -You guys, Algernon's back! -[MOUSE SQUEAKING] 35 00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:24,993 Get rid of the mouse, and get your act together. Now. 36 00:01:27,245 --> 00:01:28,789 [WHISPERING] He's grumpy. 37 00:01:29,206 --> 00:01:31,207 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 38 00:01:51,726 --> 00:01:53,811 JEFFORDS: Okay, Detectives. Let's get started. 39 00:01:53,895 --> 00:01:55,062 Santiago. 40 00:01:55,146 --> 00:01:56,731 Where are we with the Jay Street drug bust? 41 00:01:56,815 --> 00:01:58,607 There are 12 keys of coke unaccounted for, 42 00:01:58,691 --> 00:02:00,567 but we just got a warrant to search the dealer's apartment. 43 00:02:00,651 --> 00:02:02,403 Good. Take Boyle and Diaz. 44 00:02:02,903 --> 00:02:04,988 -Dream team. -JEFFORDS: Peralta. 45 00:02:05,239 --> 00:02:07,198 Brief us on the vandalism case. 46 00:02:07,282 --> 00:02:08,992 Well, there's no easy way to put this, Sarge. 47 00:02:09,076 --> 00:02:12,412 But someone has been painting wieners on squad cars. 48 00:02:12,745 --> 00:02:13,746 And apparently, 49 00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:16,874 they won't stop until there's a penis drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn. 50 00:02:16,958 --> 00:02:19,210 Oh, that's what he's been drawing. 51 00:02:19,419 --> 00:02:22,004 But, what are those two little round things at the bottom? 52 00:02:22,088 --> 00:02:23,089 It's a butt. 53 00:02:23,631 --> 00:02:24,716 The butt? 54 00:02:25,091 --> 00:02:27,508 I assume you have a plan to catch this gentleman. 55 00:02:27,592 --> 00:02:29,260 Did you just say "genital-man"? 56 00:02:29,344 --> 00:02:31,930 Because, if so, kudos. And, yes, I have a plan. 57 00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,599 I'm going to plant a decoy squad car as bait. 58 00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:38,478 Meanwhile, I'll be waiting in an undercover vehicle here. 59 00:02:38,562 --> 00:02:41,105 He's already tagged three UC vehicles. 60 00:02:41,230 --> 00:02:42,430 He can clearly spot 'em. 61 00:02:42,815 --> 00:02:43,982 You should take my minivan. 62 00:02:44,066 --> 00:02:45,817 A minivan? [LAUGHING] 63 00:02:45,901 --> 00:02:47,069 [ALL LAUGHING] 64 00:02:47,194 --> 00:02:49,094 You all got a problem with my minivan? 65 00:02:51,282 --> 00:02:53,232 Because my wife doesn't like it either. 66 00:02:53,408 --> 00:02:55,785 She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. 67 00:02:55,869 --> 00:02:57,036 They roll. 68 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,663 It's a good idea, Sergeant. We'll take the van. 69 00:02:58,747 --> 00:03:00,331 We? You're coming with me? 70 00:03:00,957 --> 00:03:03,250 Sir, with all due respect, I don't need backup. 71 00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:05,878 It's not backup. It's babysitting. 72 00:03:05,962 --> 00:03:07,671 Babysitting. [LAUGHING] 73 00:03:10,132 --> 00:03:11,550 BOYLE: Oh. Look at this. 74 00:03:11,675 --> 00:03:14,725 The drug dealer got a BA in Art History from Brooklyn College. 75 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,262 Interesting, huh? 76 00:03:16,346 --> 00:03:17,546 How is that interesting? 77 00:03:18,223 --> 00:03:21,517 Well, it's surprising, because you would think he had studied 78 00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,269 drugs. 79 00:03:23,561 --> 00:03:25,813 I studied art history, too. Also not interesting. 80 00:03:25,897 --> 00:03:27,064 GINA: Excuse me. 81 00:03:27,231 --> 00:03:29,441 I know I'm just a lowly civilian administrator, 82 00:03:29,525 --> 00:03:31,318 but I couldn't help overhearing 83 00:03:31,402 --> 00:03:33,302 you're looking for some missing drugs? 84 00:03:33,696 --> 00:03:35,321 As it turns out, my friend here, 85 00:03:35,405 --> 00:03:36,823 Carlene, is a psychic. 86 00:03:36,907 --> 00:03:39,200 And she's ready to help you. 87 00:03:39,284 --> 00:03:40,910 I do palms, tarot, 88 00:03:40,994 --> 00:03:43,162 and I have a degree in Numerology from the internet. 89 00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:45,498 DIAZ: Ugh. Really, Gina, a psychic? 90 00:03:45,582 --> 00:03:47,083 GINA: What? She's the real deal. 91 00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:49,042 E.g., last week, she predicted 92 00:03:49,126 --> 00:03:51,837 I would have a sensuous encounter 93 00:03:52,046 --> 00:03:55,716 with a guy named Mark. And I did. 94 00:03:58,844 --> 00:04:00,888 Is anyone here named Mark? 95 00:04:02,348 --> 00:04:03,473 You're good. 96 00:04:04,224 --> 00:04:08,102 Okay? She has had visions which, frankly, science cannot account for. 97 00:04:08,311 --> 00:04:11,856 Also, she can get you amazing deals on ladies' footwear. 98 00:04:12,106 --> 00:04:14,776 She's Assistant Manager at Leonard's Designer Shoes. 99 00:04:15,276 --> 00:04:16,277 CARLENE: Vision! 100 00:04:16,527 --> 00:04:18,237 The drugs are in a location. 101 00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:21,030 I see the color blue. She sees blue. 102 00:04:21,114 --> 00:04:22,615 -And yellow. -[GASPING] 103 00:04:22,699 --> 00:04:24,242 And I see the letter "L." 104 00:04:24,326 --> 00:04:26,035 R-S-T-W-E. 105 00:04:26,119 --> 00:04:27,120 And "B." 106 00:04:27,579 --> 00:04:30,123 So, basically, everyone's first eight guesses in Hangman? 107 00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:33,251 Thank you, Carlene. Your entire life is garbage. 108 00:04:35,127 --> 00:04:36,962 So, Holt's coming on my stakeout now? 109 00:04:37,046 --> 00:04:39,006 I made a mix tape with some very explicit rap on it, 110 00:04:39,090 --> 00:04:40,215 and now, I can't sing along. 111 00:04:40,299 --> 00:04:42,342 You made a mix tape? Yes, I still listen to cassettes. 112 00:04:42,426 --> 00:04:43,761 This guy is all over me. 113 00:04:43,845 --> 00:04:46,929 I mean, a captain on a minor vandalism case? It's insane. 114 00:04:47,013 --> 00:04:49,763 What's insane is how you refuse to get with the program. 115 00:04:49,933 --> 00:04:51,642 There is a new sheriff in town, Jake. 116 00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:53,228 Well, I like the old sheriff. 117 00:04:53,353 --> 00:04:55,313 I mean, McGintley wouldn't care about a messy desk, 118 00:04:55,397 --> 00:04:56,773 or all these stupid rules. 119 00:04:57,023 --> 00:04:59,423 -ALL [CHANTING]: Tase! Tase! Tase! -McGINTLEY: Hey! 120 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,026 What the hell's going on here? 121 00:05:01,110 --> 00:05:02,403 Science experiment. 122 00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:04,863 I want to see what happens if I Taser this cantaloupe. 123 00:05:04,947 --> 00:05:05,989 Okay. 124 00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:07,991 -ALL [CHANTING]: Tase! Tase! Tase! -[TASER CHARGING] 125 00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,425 -Ah! -[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] 126 00:05:09,785 --> 00:05:10,786 [ALL EXCLAIMING] 127 00:05:10,870 --> 00:05:11,869 [ALL GASPING] 128 00:05:11,953 --> 00:05:13,329 ALL [CHEERING]: Yeah! 129 00:05:14,998 --> 00:05:16,957 And McGintley wouldn't care if I was three minutes late 130 00:05:17,041 --> 00:05:18,459 because he was always an hour late. 131 00:05:18,543 --> 00:05:19,544 And hungover. 132 00:05:19,878 --> 00:05:22,797 And he would let you do literally anything you want if you gave him a hamburger. 133 00:05:22,881 --> 00:05:24,048 He let you play your mix tape? 134 00:05:24,132 --> 00:05:25,757 Okay. That's very funny. 135 00:05:26,008 --> 00:05:27,467 Get a iPod, man. 136 00:05:28,302 --> 00:05:29,303 Mix tape. 137 00:05:29,595 --> 00:05:33,098 I just want to apologize for my fellow detectives' behavior. 138 00:05:33,390 --> 00:05:35,392 Okay, my granny also had… 139 00:05:35,809 --> 00:05:37,311 [WHISPERING] The gift. 140 00:05:37,895 --> 00:05:40,688 I feel that I will die soon. 141 00:05:41,272 --> 00:05:43,900 She was right. She died two years later. 142 00:05:44,191 --> 00:05:47,570 Your sincere belief in my gift means a great deal. 143 00:05:48,029 --> 00:05:49,238 Vision. 144 00:05:49,947 --> 00:05:52,157 The woman you love, the one you work with, 145 00:05:52,241 --> 00:05:53,783 the scary one with the black hair. 146 00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:55,243 Rosa? Yes. 147 00:05:55,452 --> 00:05:57,620 She doesn't love you back. She will never love you back. 148 00:05:57,704 --> 00:05:58,746 [GINA CHUCKLING] 149 00:05:58,830 --> 00:06:00,081 Say, "Thank you," Charles. 150 00:06:00,165 --> 00:06:01,624 She just told you your future. 151 00:06:01,708 --> 00:06:02,959 Thank you. 152 00:06:10,215 --> 00:06:12,801 You left without me. You were late. Again. 153 00:06:12,885 --> 00:06:15,387 Well, I had to put on my undercover minivan disguise. 154 00:06:15,471 --> 00:06:18,349 Say hello to Harvey Norgenbloom. 155 00:06:18,515 --> 00:06:22,769 CPA. Recently divorced father of two with a dark sexual secret. 156 00:06:24,145 --> 00:06:25,312 What's your cover? 157 00:06:25,396 --> 00:06:26,564 Angry captain. 158 00:06:26,898 --> 00:06:29,734 Okay, so you do not like my ensemble. 159 00:06:30,026 --> 00:06:32,152 I'm just concerned that you may find it hard to pursue 160 00:06:32,236 --> 00:06:34,488 a criminal on foot while wearing man sandals. 161 00:06:34,572 --> 00:06:36,698 But the sandals define Harvey. 162 00:06:36,782 --> 00:06:38,200 He's a sandals guy. 163 00:06:39,910 --> 00:06:40,994 [SIGHING] 164 00:06:41,328 --> 00:06:43,580 Captain, why the babysitting? Why are you micromanaging me? 165 00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,123 You think I want to be sitting here with you 166 00:06:45,207 --> 00:06:46,457 instead of running my precinct? 167 00:06:46,541 --> 00:06:48,241 Yes. It was a rhetorical question. 168 00:06:48,335 --> 00:06:51,712 I've spent the last 12 years fighting for my first command. 169 00:06:51,837 --> 00:06:53,130 And I'm not going to let you screw it up 170 00:06:53,214 --> 00:06:54,798 because you refuse to take your job seriously. 171 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,134 Hey, I do take my job seriously. 172 00:06:57,218 --> 00:06:58,969 I put away bad guys. That's what matters. 173 00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:01,221 Well, so does doing your paperwork, showing up on time, 174 00:07:01,305 --> 00:07:03,848 wearing proper footwear… That's on Harvey. That's not me. 175 00:07:03,932 --> 00:07:05,232 Well, so, here's the deal. 176 00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:07,643 You're going to have a superior officer babysitting you 177 00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:08,978 on every one of your cases. 178 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,479 And when you show me that you can do your job, 179 00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:13,358 every part of your job, perfectly, 180 00:07:13,817 --> 00:07:16,194 then, I'll back off. 181 00:07:17,361 --> 00:07:18,612 Okay. 182 00:07:18,696 --> 00:07:22,096 Counter offer, I give you 50 bucks and you let me do whatever I want. 183 00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:26,286 Fine. We'll do it your way. 184 00:07:26,370 --> 00:07:29,665 From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly. 185 00:07:30,207 --> 00:07:31,666 Perfecter than perfectly. 186 00:07:31,916 --> 00:07:34,668 It's, "More perfectly." You said that imperfectly. 187 00:07:34,752 --> 00:07:37,255 I was testing you. You did perfectly. 188 00:07:38,006 --> 00:07:39,715 Quick update on the tagger situation. 189 00:07:39,799 --> 00:07:42,199 He is currently spray-painting our van right now. 190 00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,636 Police! Freeze! 191 00:07:44,845 --> 00:07:45,887 Ow. Ow. Ow. 192 00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:48,014 Oh. Sandal down. 193 00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:49,099 Lost a sandal. 194 00:07:49,266 --> 00:07:50,559 NYPD! Freeze! 195 00:07:51,226 --> 00:07:52,519 I'm here. 196 00:07:53,353 --> 00:07:54,896 You're busted. 197 00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:56,480 I already got him. We got him. 198 00:08:01,277 --> 00:08:02,695 Oh. Hey, Captain. 199 00:08:03,821 --> 00:08:05,072 Hi. So… 200 00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:07,866 I was able to procure that $50 after all. 201 00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:09,493 And my offer still stands. 202 00:08:09,618 --> 00:08:11,578 Let me do whatever I want and the $40, 203 00:08:11,662 --> 00:08:13,712 that's how much I actually have, is yours. 204 00:08:13,872 --> 00:08:14,873 No? 205 00:08:15,123 --> 00:08:16,457 Fair enough. I only had 30 anyway. 206 00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:19,001 Well, I guess, in order to get you to stop micromanaging me, 207 00:08:19,085 --> 00:08:20,711 I'm going to have to get back to the most important piece 208 00:08:20,795 --> 00:08:22,004 of police work there is. 209 00:08:22,088 --> 00:08:23,548 Writing a perfect report. 210 00:08:23,757 --> 00:08:25,216 Good. I'm anxious to read it. 211 00:08:25,550 --> 00:08:28,302 And I'm anxious to restore my status as a lone wolf. 212 00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:30,387 [HOWLING] 213 00:08:32,181 --> 00:08:33,557 Anything else, Detective? 214 00:08:33,682 --> 00:08:34,724 Yeah, I'm going to do one more. 215 00:08:34,808 --> 00:08:37,352 [HOWLING] 216 00:08:37,519 --> 00:08:38,520 Lone wolf. 217 00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:43,858 He's digging me. [CLICKING TONGUE] 218 00:08:44,484 --> 00:08:46,934 Hey, Sarge? Do you know where we keep the glitter? 219 00:08:47,111 --> 00:08:50,155 I just want to make sure this report for the captain is extra sparkly. 220 00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:51,615 What are you doing, Peralta? 221 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:54,117 Look, if I have to do things his way, I'm going to do them my way. 222 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,119 [LAUGHING] Okay, man. 223 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,288 It was nice working with you. 224 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,290 I'm not scared of him, okay? 225 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,875 I'm not scared of anyone. 226 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,836 Oh, also, the tagger drew a penis on your minivan. 227 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,963 I'm sorry, please don't chase after me. What? 228 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,547 There's a penis on my minivan? 229 00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,466 SANTIAGO: High ceilings. 230 00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:15,221 Three bedrooms. Why does every perp have a nicer place than I do? 231 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,305 You know what they don't teach you at the academy? 232 00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:18,640 It's better to be a criminal. 233 00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:19,809 Oh, no. 234 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,393 The cabinets are blue. Tacky. 235 00:09:22,477 --> 00:09:24,827 Not a deal breaker, though. I'd just repaint it. 236 00:09:25,438 --> 00:09:28,638 The psychic predicted the drugs would be found in something blue. 237 00:09:28,858 --> 00:09:30,860 [SLOW MOTION] I see the color blue. 238 00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:34,870 She also made this really depressing prediction about my life. 239 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,530 [SLOW MOTION] She will never love you back. 240 00:09:38,033 --> 00:09:40,118 And if she's right about where we find the drugs, 241 00:09:40,202 --> 00:09:41,661 that means she's right about the other thing. 242 00:09:41,745 --> 00:09:43,580 Uh-huh. Kitchen. 243 00:09:46,792 --> 00:09:48,752 Whoa. Jackpot. 244 00:09:49,085 --> 00:09:51,086 There's way more than 12 keys in here. 245 00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:52,296 Where was it? 246 00:09:52,588 --> 00:09:54,173 Baseboard, behind the hamper. 247 00:09:54,590 --> 00:09:55,799 What color was the hamper? 248 00:09:55,883 --> 00:09:58,010 SANTIAGO: Green. Yes. The clothes hamper was green. 249 00:09:58,094 --> 00:10:00,221 The clothes hamper was green! 250 00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:02,722 Drinks on me. 251 00:10:03,890 --> 00:10:05,090 [LAUGHING] You're weird. 252 00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:09,353 [KEYBOARD CLACKING] Sorry this is taking so long. 253 00:10:09,437 --> 00:10:11,314 I'm still writing up my report. 254 00:10:11,398 --> 00:10:12,524 Pretty detailed. 255 00:10:12,858 --> 00:10:15,610 Hey, Gina, can you look up what the humidity was about an hour ago 256 00:10:15,694 --> 00:10:17,110 and also what moon cycle we're in? 257 00:10:17,194 --> 00:10:20,447 No, sorry. Don't feel like it. No. 258 00:10:20,531 --> 00:10:22,199 Thanks, Gina. 259 00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:25,369 And now, to you. What's your name? 260 00:10:25,578 --> 00:10:27,246 My name is Banana Fartman, MD. 261 00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:28,622 I don't believe you. 262 00:10:28,914 --> 00:10:30,623 Come on, man. Just tell me who you are. 263 00:10:30,707 --> 00:10:33,793 I need to fill this thing out perfectly, so my boss will get off my back. 264 00:10:33,877 --> 00:10:35,252 Are you a minor? How old are you? 265 00:10:35,336 --> 00:10:37,172 I'm 610. I'm a Highlander. 266 00:10:37,547 --> 00:10:39,131 Okay, you know what? I'm going to put that in there. 267 00:10:39,215 --> 00:10:41,258 And then you're going to be tried as an adult Highlander, 268 00:10:41,342 --> 00:10:43,219 and they're going to cut your head off. 269 00:10:43,303 --> 00:10:44,595 Is that what you want? 270 00:10:44,887 --> 00:10:46,847 I hate to be the bearer of bad news, 271 00:10:47,055 --> 00:10:50,517 but your psychic friend's predictions about the drug case were wrong. 272 00:10:50,601 --> 00:10:52,853 Which means, all of her predictions are wrong. 273 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:56,023 Mmm-mmm. No way. She's never wrong. 274 00:10:56,190 --> 00:10:58,941 We found the cocaine behind a green hamper. Never said "green," 275 00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,025 or the letter "H." 276 00:11:00,109 --> 00:11:03,070 Mmm-hmm. She said blue and yellow, Charles. 277 00:11:03,154 --> 00:11:05,280 I don't know if there's any kindergarteners present, 278 00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:07,825 but those two colors combined make green. 279 00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:11,662 She also mentioned the letters "L" and "B." 280 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:14,789 And another name for a hamper is… 281 00:11:15,373 --> 00:11:17,417 Lady? Bin? 282 00:11:17,834 --> 00:11:18,960 Laundry basket. 283 00:11:19,044 --> 00:11:20,795 GINA: Oh, little boo-boo. 284 00:11:21,046 --> 00:11:22,796 Can you go be depressed over there? 285 00:11:23,381 --> 00:11:25,050 You're bumming out my whole area. 286 00:11:26,175 --> 00:11:28,010 Baby, I've got some bad news. 287 00:11:28,219 --> 00:11:31,096 Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan. 288 00:11:32,848 --> 00:11:34,767 No, you cannot have an SUV now. 289 00:11:35,184 --> 00:11:38,020 Those things roll, baby! They roll! 290 00:11:38,145 --> 00:11:39,854 Hey, look at this. 291 00:11:40,313 --> 00:11:41,940 Your prints were on file. 292 00:11:42,190 --> 00:11:43,691 Nice to meet you… [CLICKING] 293 00:11:43,858 --> 00:11:45,193 Trevor Podolski. 294 00:11:46,194 --> 00:11:49,572 Oh, Podolski. Just like, uh, Deputy Police Commissioner Podolski. 295 00:11:50,698 --> 00:11:53,493 Your father is Deputy Police Commissioner Podolski. 296 00:11:54,576 --> 00:11:56,703 I'm not sure how things work here, 297 00:11:57,287 --> 00:12:00,123 but does that mean that your career is in my hands? 298 00:12:00,290 --> 00:12:02,292 [CHUCKLING] Okay, you know what? 299 00:12:02,876 --> 00:12:04,044 Yes. 300 00:12:09,507 --> 00:12:11,342 -[BEEPING] -20.2 kilos. 301 00:12:11,634 --> 00:12:13,302 I feel like we could round up to 21. 302 00:12:13,386 --> 00:12:16,221 Or we could round down to 20, 303 00:12:16,305 --> 00:12:20,142 take the extra 0.2, sell it to our friends. 304 00:12:22,227 --> 00:12:23,478 [LAUGHING] 305 00:12:24,145 --> 00:12:26,147 I'll call the DA, Rosa, you log this in. 306 00:12:26,231 --> 00:12:27,857 Charles, maybe watch Gina. 307 00:12:28,024 --> 00:12:29,067 [CHUCKLING] 308 00:12:29,317 --> 00:12:31,317 So, what are you doing tonight? Nothing. 309 00:12:31,861 --> 00:12:34,281 What about you… Are doing tonight? 310 00:12:34,531 --> 00:12:35,531 Nothing. 311 00:12:36,991 --> 00:12:38,742 [WHISPERING] Carlene. 312 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,035 [MACHINE BEEPING] 313 00:12:40,661 --> 00:12:44,832 Well, I hope you find something to do. [CHUCKLING] 314 00:12:45,124 --> 00:12:47,835 I'm going to pee. That's what I'm doing tonight. 315 00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:49,252 No. 316 00:12:52,422 --> 00:12:54,799 -Deputy commissioner's son, huh? -[SIGHING] Yeah. 317 00:12:54,966 --> 00:12:57,635 His decision to target cop cars makes a lot more sense now. 318 00:12:57,719 --> 00:12:59,169 We gotta let him walk, right? 319 00:12:59,804 --> 00:13:01,055 He defaced nine police vehicles, 320 00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:02,889 and you caught him red-handed. Why would you let him walk? 321 00:13:02,973 --> 00:13:06,810 [SCOFFING] Captain, I did all the work on this perfectly. 322 00:13:06,977 --> 00:13:09,896 I mean, my report has over 25 pages 323 00:13:09,980 --> 00:13:12,441 of meticulous research, diagrams, and maps. 324 00:13:12,899 --> 00:13:15,499 I even put an "About the Author" section on the back. 325 00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:18,237 I did everything you asked me to do, but 326 00:13:18,321 --> 00:13:19,863 this is above my pay grade. 327 00:13:19,947 --> 00:13:21,198 You gotta make the call. 328 00:13:21,449 --> 00:13:23,826 You're the arresting officer. It's your call. 329 00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:26,912 I told you to do every part of your job, 330 00:13:26,996 --> 00:13:29,414 and making this call is part of your job. 331 00:13:29,498 --> 00:13:31,832 Yeah, but you think I should process him. 332 00:13:31,916 --> 00:13:32,917 Mmm-hmm. 333 00:13:33,001 --> 00:13:35,127 Well, if I do, the Deputy Commissioner could ruin my career, 334 00:13:35,211 --> 00:13:38,422 and I'll end up on the streets selling my beautiful body for a can of beans. 335 00:13:38,506 --> 00:13:39,591 Mmm-hmm. 336 00:13:39,841 --> 00:13:42,741 Has anyone ever told you, "You look exactly like a statue?" 337 00:13:43,053 --> 00:13:44,054 Yes. 338 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:45,762 Man. 339 00:13:45,846 --> 00:13:47,896 You were totally right about the cocaine. 340 00:13:48,098 --> 00:13:50,684 And you were also right about Rosa. Who's Rosa? 341 00:13:50,976 --> 00:13:53,561 The woman I… The woman who doesn't love him back. 342 00:13:53,645 --> 00:13:54,854 CARLENE: Oh. Yes, that woman. 343 00:13:54,938 --> 00:13:58,565 You know, it can be a burden to always know what's gonna happen in the future. 344 00:13:58,649 --> 00:13:59,858 Don't get out of the chair! 345 00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:04,029 I just had a vision of you leaving this chair and getting seriously injured. 346 00:14:04,113 --> 00:14:05,198 Oh, my God. 347 00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,700 I should probably wheel you back to your desk. 348 00:14:07,784 --> 00:14:09,618 CARLENE: That is a great idea. Wheel you off a bridge. 349 00:14:09,702 --> 00:14:10,953 [LAUGHING] I'm kidding. 350 00:14:11,037 --> 00:14:13,246 GINA: ♪ Oh, you're alone ♪ 351 00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:15,957 ♪ Uh-oh, you're alone for life ♪ 352 00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:17,959 PERALTA: So, here are my options. 353 00:14:18,502 --> 00:14:20,670 One, I process Podolski's kid, 354 00:14:20,754 --> 00:14:22,380 he fires me, and I spend the rest of my career 355 00:14:22,464 --> 00:14:25,300 as a Detective third grade, which is literally pathetic. 356 00:14:25,467 --> 00:14:27,385 No offense, Hitchcock. None taken. 357 00:14:27,593 --> 00:14:31,138 Option two, I let him walk and I spend the rest of my life 358 00:14:31,222 --> 00:14:32,681 with Holt as my babysitter. 359 00:14:32,765 --> 00:14:34,558 And honestly, when I think about 360 00:14:34,642 --> 00:14:36,727 spending the rest of my life with a babysitter, 361 00:14:36,811 --> 00:14:39,230 she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica. 362 00:14:39,397 --> 00:14:42,064 And she always has pizza money and lets me stay up as late as I want. 363 00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,798 How old are you in this scenario? 364 00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:45,985 Anyway, the point is, Holt cares more about 365 00:14:46,069 --> 00:14:49,781 whether I "do my job right" than whether I have a job at all. 366 00:14:49,948 --> 00:14:51,298 So, I'm taking suggestions. 367 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:52,992 I say piss off Holt. 368 00:14:53,076 --> 00:14:55,410 So we get to watch your career end right in front of us. 369 00:14:55,494 --> 00:14:57,037 Okay. Thank you for that, Santiago. 370 00:14:57,121 --> 00:14:58,413 I'm going to put you down for, "Don't arrest." 371 00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:01,458 And I'm also going to put your phone number on every urinal in Rikers. 372 00:15:01,542 --> 00:15:04,210 Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard. 373 00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:06,880 With a phone book on a body part no one can see. You know what I'm saying? 374 00:15:06,964 --> 00:15:08,914 So, you're suggesting police brutality? 375 00:15:09,382 --> 00:15:11,032 [LAUGHING] I guess so, yeah. Why? 376 00:15:11,342 --> 00:15:12,468 Hey, Scully. 377 00:15:12,802 --> 00:15:14,136 Yeah. You want this collar? 378 00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:15,804 Paperwork's all done and it's perfect. 379 00:15:15,888 --> 00:15:17,807 The Podolski kid? Are you kidding? 380 00:15:18,015 --> 00:15:19,265 I just gave him my lunch. 381 00:15:19,475 --> 00:15:20,601 Okay. 382 00:15:20,977 --> 00:15:22,185 Boyle, what do you think? 383 00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,936 I don't know, man. I'm lost. 384 00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:26,022 The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle. 385 00:15:26,106 --> 00:15:28,108 I'm at the whim of the cosmos. 386 00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:31,277 All right, I'm going to put you down for, "Bummer." 387 00:15:31,361 --> 00:15:35,364 And you can hang out in that category all by yourself. 388 00:15:35,573 --> 00:15:37,532 GINA: Hey, everyone. 389 00:15:37,616 --> 00:15:41,286 Hey, Jake. There's a very sexy, angry official here. 390 00:15:41,370 --> 00:15:44,414 Deputy Commissioner Podolski. He's asking for you. 391 00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:48,627 Very angry, elderly, sexy, furious. 392 00:15:50,044 --> 00:15:52,297 Well, my career is over. 393 00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,591 See you at the bottom, Hitchcock. No offense. 394 00:15:55,675 --> 00:15:56,718 No, none taken. 395 00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:01,430 Deputy Commissioner. 396 00:16:01,514 --> 00:16:02,598 Where's my son? 397 00:16:02,682 --> 00:16:04,224 He is at my desk, 398 00:16:04,308 --> 00:16:06,476 enjoying a nice glass of bubbly water 399 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,187 and some chocolate I was saving for a special occasion. 400 00:16:09,271 --> 00:16:10,772 Hey, Peralta. When you're done, 401 00:16:10,856 --> 00:16:14,109 could you help me wrap up this massive cocaine bust I just pulled off? 402 00:16:14,193 --> 00:16:15,402 Thanks. 403 00:16:15,486 --> 00:16:16,860 Oh, Deputy Commissioner, 404 00:16:16,944 --> 00:16:18,028 didn't see you there. 405 00:16:18,112 --> 00:16:19,780 Sorry for interrupting. 406 00:16:19,864 --> 00:16:22,116 -Amy Santiago. -[SIGHING] 407 00:16:23,075 --> 00:16:24,201 Trevor. 408 00:16:24,285 --> 00:16:26,329 What did you do this time? Nothing. 409 00:16:26,871 --> 00:16:28,872 There you have it. He said he did nothing. 410 00:16:28,956 --> 00:16:31,124 So I caught him red-handed, doing nothing? 411 00:16:31,208 --> 00:16:33,709 I'm saying maybe it's a possibility you made a mistake. 412 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,169 You know, normally, I would agree with you, 413 00:16:35,253 --> 00:16:38,047 but I've been pretty detail-oriented the last few hours. 414 00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:41,635 You might not understand this, but Trevor is a special kid. 415 00:16:42,219 --> 00:16:44,719 He makes straight As. He's going to Duke next year. 416 00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:45,971 Lacrosse scholarship. 417 00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:48,057 Oh. Sometimes, boys 418 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:49,517 just need to be boys. 419 00:16:50,059 --> 00:16:51,393 You do realize 420 00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:54,479 he did thousands of dollars' worth of property damage, though. 421 00:16:54,563 --> 00:16:57,691 To police vehicles… Look, I think we can all agree 422 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,401 that I'm ordering you to let this slide. 423 00:17:00,860 --> 00:17:02,027 Because nothing happened. 424 00:17:02,111 --> 00:17:04,072 This is officially out of your hands. 425 00:17:04,614 --> 00:17:07,700 Would you actually mind just checking out my report? 426 00:17:07,784 --> 00:17:10,912 It's pretty thorough, and I spent over an hour on fonts. 427 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,412 Kind of snazzy. So… 428 00:17:12,496 --> 00:17:15,373 Oh, thank you. I'll get right to it. 429 00:17:15,457 --> 00:17:17,417 Thanks. Trevor, let's go. 430 00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,378 Have a good one. 431 00:17:30,471 --> 00:17:31,556 Yes. 432 00:17:31,722 --> 00:17:32,973 What's up with the chair? 433 00:17:33,057 --> 00:17:36,394 Um, Carlene predicted if I get out of this chair, 434 00:17:36,686 --> 00:17:38,980 I'd get badly hurt. So, I'm not chancing it. 435 00:17:39,814 --> 00:17:42,440 Oh, man, there's no more pudding cups left. 436 00:17:42,941 --> 00:17:45,026 Ah! What did you do that for? 437 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,696 There. Now, you're hurt in this chair. 438 00:17:48,363 --> 00:17:49,864 You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle. 439 00:17:49,948 --> 00:17:50,948 And if you do, 440 00:17:51,032 --> 00:17:53,582 it won't be because some shoe salesman predicted it. 441 00:17:55,911 --> 00:17:57,621 You make your own destiny. 442 00:18:03,377 --> 00:18:06,227 Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore. 443 00:18:06,505 --> 00:18:08,964 The case is officially out of my hands, no charges filed. 444 00:18:09,048 --> 00:18:10,800 Why is there yogurt on this? 445 00:18:10,925 --> 00:18:13,925 The Deputy Commissioner threw my report in Terry's trash can, 446 00:18:14,178 --> 00:18:16,078 and he had been eating yogurt earlier. 447 00:18:16,222 --> 00:18:17,348 Terry loves yogurt. 448 00:18:19,392 --> 00:18:21,351 Something wrong? Kind of, yeah. 449 00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,144 I called six precincts about this kid. 450 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:24,938 He's been brought in a dozen times. 451 00:18:25,022 --> 00:18:26,940 Theft, vandalism, drunk and disorderly. 452 00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,316 But he's never been processed. 453 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,944 His daddy comes in and bails him out every time. 454 00:18:31,028 --> 00:18:32,487 He's a lucky little jerk. 455 00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:34,155 No, I wouldn't say he was lucky. 456 00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:35,781 I feel bad for this kid. 457 00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,699 I mean, what kind of father 458 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:41,233 cares so little for his son that he lets him get away with everything? 459 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,957 Well, he's someone else's problem now, like you said. 460 00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:47,043 It's out of your hands. 461 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,503 All right. I see what you're trying to do, but it's not going to work. 462 00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,505 I'm not going to arrest him. I'm going to arrest him! 463 00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:54,257 You want backup? Yes. 464 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,635 [SIREN WAILING] 465 00:19:00,263 --> 00:19:01,889 What is this? You can't do this. 466 00:19:01,973 --> 00:19:03,640 Get that thing out of here. 467 00:19:03,724 --> 00:19:04,891 Excuse me, sir. 468 00:19:04,975 --> 00:19:06,184 Trevor Podolski, 469 00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:08,812 you're under arrest for vandalism and destruction of property. 470 00:19:08,896 --> 00:19:10,105 But Dad… What are you doing? 471 00:19:10,189 --> 00:19:11,481 I told you to back off, Peralta. 472 00:19:11,565 --> 00:19:13,441 First off, the name's Santiago. 473 00:19:13,525 --> 00:19:15,443 Detective Amy Santiago. 474 00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:17,570 Second, I'm arresting your son. 475 00:19:17,654 --> 00:19:19,363 Which, as I say it aloud, 476 00:19:19,447 --> 00:19:21,532 seems like an unwise choice. 477 00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:24,076 But it's the one I'm making. 478 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,203 Once again, my name is Amy Santiago. 479 00:19:26,287 --> 00:19:28,622 You're being stupid, Peralta. Don't be stupid. 480 00:19:28,706 --> 00:19:30,291 I can make your life miserable. 481 00:19:30,375 --> 00:19:32,834 Commissioner, please don't talk to my detective in that tone. 482 00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:34,627 If you have a complaint, you can take it up with me. 483 00:19:34,711 --> 00:19:37,964 You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, Holt. 484 00:19:38,048 --> 00:19:40,842 I'm going to be watching you, both of you, like a hawk. 485 00:19:40,926 --> 00:19:43,303 You're going to have to try a little harder if you want to scare me. 486 00:19:43,387 --> 00:19:45,637 I've been an openly gay cop since 1987. 487 00:19:45,721 --> 00:19:49,057 So, you're not the first superior officer to threaten me. 488 00:19:49,141 --> 00:19:50,809 You know how I'm still standing here? 489 00:19:50,893 --> 00:19:52,769 Because I do my job. 490 00:19:52,853 --> 00:19:54,522 And I do it right. 491 00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:56,690 Damn, son! 492 00:19:56,774 --> 00:19:58,608 Don't say "son." Sorry. 493 00:19:58,692 --> 00:20:00,805 PERALTA: Deputy Commissioner, if you want to 494 00:20:00,889 --> 00:20:02,987 pick Trevor up, he'll be at the Nine-Nine. 495 00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,572 Let's go, Fartman. 496 00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:08,784 Carlene was wrong, Gina. 497 00:20:08,868 --> 00:20:09,952 Rosa said it herself. 498 00:20:10,036 --> 00:20:11,787 I'm in charge of my own destiny. 499 00:20:11,871 --> 00:20:13,455 That means she wants me to make a move. 500 00:20:13,539 --> 00:20:15,540 Mmm, but Carlene was also right. 501 00:20:15,624 --> 00:20:18,126 You did get hurt because Rosa punched you. 502 00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:21,129 And the fact that Rosa punched you means she does not like you. 503 00:20:21,213 --> 00:20:23,882 No. No, she punched me to prove Carlene wrong. 504 00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:25,175 DIAZ: Move! 505 00:20:25,676 --> 00:20:27,009 Oh, wait, I take it back. 506 00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,761 She definitely is into you. 507 00:20:28,845 --> 00:20:30,262 So much chemistry. 508 00:20:30,346 --> 00:20:31,973 I know. It's crazy. 509 00:20:32,181 --> 00:20:33,307 All right, let's get this meeting started. 510 00:20:33,391 --> 00:20:35,435 PERALTA: I'm not late. I'm here. 511 00:20:37,145 --> 00:20:38,646 [ALARM BEEPING] 512 00:20:42,983 --> 00:20:44,526 Right on time. 513 00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,819 You're out of uniform, Peralta. 514 00:20:46,903 --> 00:20:48,697 Baby steps, Captain. 515 00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:50,532 Baby steps. 38835

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.