All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S01E02 - The Tagger.eng.SDH

Ah. Captain.

You're at my desk.

Just what I want to see
first thing in the morning.

You're three minutes late, Peralta.

Not my fault.

I had a plumbing problem.

-[PHONE ALARM RINGING]
-[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

Which reminds me, I'm going to need
a new, departmentally-issued phone.

Oh, come on. Really?
I'm a few minutes late,

so you're going to call me
out in front of everyone?

Good idea. Everyone?

Gather around so I can call
out Peralta in front of you.

Okay. Fine. I was three minutes late.

I'm sorry for doing one thing wrong.

Oh, it's more than one thing. Uh-oh.

Let's start with the Kristov murder.

It was an amazing solve.
I got him to confess in 20 minutes.

You also mislabeled the evidence.

So that confession is worthless if the
sergeant hadn't caught your mistake.

Here are three cases
with sloppy paperwork.

Here are two pictures.

One is your locker. The other is a
garbage dump in the Philippines.

Can you tell which is which?

That one's the dump?
They're both your locker.

Ah, I should have guessed that.
He's good.

This folder is labeled, "Undies, dirty."

So I won't confuse it
with "Undies, clean."

Also, who cares about all these rules?

I have more felony arrests
than any other detective here.

You also have more mice living in
your desk than any other detective.

[PERALTA GASPING]

-Algernon!
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]

-You guys, Algernon's back!
-[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

Get rid of the mouse, and
get your act together. Now.

[WHISPERING] He's grumpy.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

JEFFORDS: Okay, Detectives.
Let's get started.

Santiago.

Where are we with the
Jay Street drug bust?

There are 12 keys of
coke unaccounted for,

but we just got a warrant to
search the dealer's apartment.

Good. Take Boyle and Diaz.

-Dream team.
-JEFFORDS: Peralta.

Brief us on the vandalism case.

Well, there's no easy
way to put this, Sarge.

But someone has been
painting wieners on squad cars.

And apparently,

they won't stop until there's a penis
drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn.

Oh, that's what he's been drawing.

But, what are those two little
round things at the bottom?

It's a butt.

The butt?

I assume you have a plan
to catch this gentleman.

Did you just say "genital-man"?

Because, if so, kudos.
And, yes, I have a plan.

I'm going to plant a
decoy squad car as bait.

Meanwhile, I'll be waiting in
an undercover vehicle here.

He's already tagged three UC vehicles.

He can clearly spot 'em.

You should take my minivan.

A minivan? [LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

You all got a problem with my minivan?

Because my wife doesn't like it either.

She wanted an SUV,
but those things roll, man.

They roll.

It's a good idea, Sergeant.
We'll take the van.

We? You're coming with me?

Sir, with all due respect,
I don't need backup.

It's not backup. It's babysitting.

Babysitting. [LAUGHING]

BOYLE: Oh. Look at this.

The drug dealer got a BA in
Art History from Brooklyn College.

Interesting, huh?

How is that interesting?

Well, it's surprising, because
you would think he had studied

drugs.

I studied art history, too.
Also not interesting.

GINA: Excuse me.

I know I'm just a lowly
civilian administrator,

but I couldn't help overhearing

you're looking for some missing drugs?

As it turns out, my friend here,

Carlene, is a psychic.

And she's ready to help you.

I do palms, tarot,

and I have a degree in
Numerology from the internet.

DIAZ: Ugh. Really, Gina, a psychic?

GINA: What? She's the real deal.

E.g., last week, she predicted

I would have a sensuous encounter

with a guy named Mark. And I did.

Is anyone here named Mark?

You're good.

Okay? She has had visions which,
frankly, science cannot account for.

Also, she can get you amazing
deals on ladies' footwear.

She's Assistant Manager at
Leonard's Designer Shoes.

CARLENE: Vision!

The drugs are in a location.

I see the color blue. She sees blue.

-And yellow.
-[GASPING]

And I see the letter "L."

R-S-T-W-E.

And "B."

So, basically, everyone's first
eight guesses in Hangman?

Thank you, Carlene.
Your entire life is garbage.

So, Holt's coming on my stakeout now?

I made a mix tape with
some very explicit rap on it,

and now, I can't sing along.

You made a mix tape?
Yes, I still listen to cassettes.

This guy is all over me.

I mean, a captain on a minor
vandalism case? It's insane.

What's insane is how you
refuse to get with the program.

There is a new sheriff in town, Jake.

Well, I like the old sheriff.

I mean, McGintley wouldn't
care about a messy desk,

or all these stupid rules.

-ALL [CHANTING]: Tase! Tase! Tase!
-McGINTLEY: Hey!

What the hell's going on here?

Science experiment.

I want to see what happens
if I Taser this cantaloupe.

Okay.

-ALL [CHANTING]: Tase! Tase! Tase!
-[TASER CHARGING]

-Ah!
-[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

[ALL GASPING]

ALL [CHEERING]: Yeah!

And McGintley wouldn't
care if I was three minutes late

because he was always an hour late.

And hungover.

And he would let you do literally anything
you want if you gave him a hamburger.

He let you play your mix tape?

Okay. That's very funny.

Get a iPod, man.

Mix tape.

I just want to apologize for
my fellow detectives' behavior.

Okay, my granny also had…

[WHISPERING] The gift.

I feel that I will die soon.

She was right. She died two years later.

Your sincere belief in my
gift means a great deal.

Vision.

The woman you love,
the one you work with,

the scary one with the black hair.

Rosa? Yes.

She doesn't love you back.
She will never love you back.

[GINA CHUCKLING]

Say, "Thank you," Charles.

She just told you your future.

Thank you.

You left without me.
You were late. Again.

Well, I had to put on my
undercover minivan disguise.

Say hello to Harvey Norgenbloom.

CPA. Recently divorced father
of two with a dark sexual secret.

What's your cover?

Angry captain.

Okay, so you do not like my ensemble.

I'm just concerned that you
may find it hard to pursue

a criminal on foot while
wearing man sandals.

But the sandals define Harvey.

He's a sandals guy.

[SIGHING]

Captain, why the babysitting?
Why are you micromanaging me?

You think I want to
be sitting here with you

instead of running my precinct?

Yes. It was a rhetorical question.

I've spent the last 12 years
fighting for my first command.

And I'm not going to let you screw it up

because you refuse to
take your job seriously.

Hey, I do take my job seriously.

I put away bad guys. That's what matters.

Well, so does doing your
paperwork, showing up on time,

wearing proper footwear…
That's on Harvey. That's not me.

Well, so, here's the deal.

You're going to have a
superior officer babysitting you

on every one of your cases.

And when you show me
that you can do your job,

every part of your job, perfectly,

then, I'll back off.

Okay.

Counter offer, I give you 50 bucks
and you let me do whatever I want.

Fine. We'll do it your way.

From this point on, I'll do
every part of the job perfectly.

Perfecter than perfectly.

It's, "More perfectly."
You said that imperfectly.

I was testing you. You did perfectly.

Quick update on the tagger situation.

He is currently spray-painting
our van right now.

Police! Freeze!

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh. Sandal down.

Lost a sandal.

NYPD! Freeze!

I'm here.

You're busted.

I already got him. We got him.

Oh. Hey, Captain.

Hi. So…

I was able to procure that $50 after all.

And my offer still stands.

Let me do whatever I want and the $40,

that's how much I
actually have, is yours.

No?

Fair enough. I only had 30 anyway.

Well, I guess, in order to get
you to stop micromanaging me,

I'm going to have to get back
to the most important piece

of police work there is.

Writing a perfect report.

Good. I'm anxious to read it.

And I'm anxious to restore
my status as a lone wolf.

[HOWLING]

Anything else, Detective?

Yeah, I'm going to do one more.

[HOWLING]

Lone wolf.

He's digging me. [CLICKING TONGUE]

Hey, Sarge?
Do you know where we keep the glitter?

I just want to make sure this
report for the captain is extra sparkly.

What are you doing, Peralta?

Look, if I have to do things his
way, I'm going to do them my way.

[LAUGHING] Okay, man.

It was nice working with you.

I'm not scared of him, okay?

I'm not scared of anyone.

Oh, also, the tagger drew
a penis on your minivan.

I'm sorry, please don't chase after me.
What?

There's a penis on my minivan?

SANTIAGO: High ceilings.

Three bedrooms. Why does every
perp have a nicer place than I do?

You know what they don't
teach you at the academy?

It's better to be a criminal.

Oh, no.

The cabinets are blue. Tacky.

Not a deal breaker, though.
I'd just repaint it.

The psychic predicted the drugs
would be found in something blue.

[SLOW MOTION] I see the color blue.

She also made this really
depressing prediction about my life.

[SLOW MOTION] She
will never love you back.

And if she's right about
where we find the drugs,

that means she's right
about the other thing.

Uh-huh. Kitchen.

Whoa. Jackpot.

There's way more than 12 keys in here.

Where was it?

Baseboard, behind the hamper.

What color was the hamper?

SANTIAGO: Green. Yes.
The clothes hamper was green.

The clothes hamper was green!

Drinks on me.

[LAUGHING] You're weird.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
Sorry this is taking so long.

I'm still writing up my report.

Pretty detailed.

Hey, Gina, can you look up what
the humidity was about an hour ago

and also what moon cycle we're in?

No, sorry. Don't feel like it. No.

Thanks, Gina.

And now, to you. What's your name?

My name is Banana Fartman, MD.

I don't believe you.

Come on, man. Just tell me who you are.

I need to fill this thing out perfectly,
so my boss will get off my back.

Are you a minor? How old are you?

I'm 610. I'm a Highlander.

Okay, you know what?
I'm going to put that in there.

And then you're going to be
tried as an adult Highlander,

and they're going to cut your head off.

Is that what you want?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but your psychic friend's predictions
about the drug case were wrong.

Which means, all of her
predictions are wrong.

Mmm-mmm. No way. She's never wrong.

We found the cocaine behind a
green hamper. Never said "green,"

or the letter "H."

Mmm-hmm.
She said blue and yellow, Charles.

I don't know if there's any
kindergarteners present,

but those two colors combined make green.

She also mentioned
the letters "L" and "B."

And another name for a hamper is…

Lady? Bin?

Laundry basket.

GINA: Oh, little boo-boo.

Can you go be depressed over there?

You're bumming out my whole area.

Baby, I've got some bad news.

Someone painted a
giant penis on our minivan.

No, you cannot have an SUV now.

Those things roll, baby! They roll!

Hey, look at this.

Your prints were on file.

Nice to meet you… [CLICKING]

Trevor Podolski.

Oh, Podolski. Just like, uh, Deputy
Police Commissioner Podolski.

Your father is Deputy Police
Commissioner Podolski.

I'm not sure how things work here,

but does that mean that
your career is in my hands?

[CHUCKLING] Okay, you know what?

Yes.

-[BEEPING]
-20.2 kilos.

I feel like we could round up to 21.

Or we could round down to 20,

take the extra 0.2,
sell it to our friends.

[LAUGHING]

I'll call the DA, Rosa, you log this in.

Charles, maybe watch Gina.

[CHUCKLING]

So, what are you doing tonight? Nothing.

What about you… Are doing tonight?

Nothing.

[WHISPERING] Carlene.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Well, I hope you find something to do.
[CHUCKLING]

I'm going to pee.
That's what I'm doing tonight.

No.

-Deputy commissioner's son, huh?
-[SIGHING] Yeah.

His decision to target cop cars
makes a lot more sense now.

We gotta let him walk, right?

He defaced nine police vehicles,

and you caught him red-handed.
Why would you let him walk?

[SCOFFING] Captain, I did
all the work on this perfectly.

I mean, my report has over 25 pages

of meticulous research,
diagrams, and maps.

I even put an "About the
Author" section on the back.

I did everything you asked me to do, but

this is above my pay grade.

You gotta make the call.

You're the arresting officer.
It's your call.

I told you to do every part of your job,

and making this call is part of your job.

Yeah, but you think I should process him.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, if I do, the Deputy
Commissioner could ruin my career,

and I'll end up on the streets selling
my beautiful body for a can of beans.

Mmm-hmm.

Has anyone ever told you,
"You look exactly like a statue?"

Yes.

Man.

You were totally right about the cocaine.

And you were also right about Rosa.
Who's Rosa?

The woman I…
The woman who doesn't love him back.

CARLENE: Oh. Yes, that woman.

You know, it can be a burden to always
know what's gonna happen in the future.

Don't get out of the chair!

I just had a vision of you leaving
this chair and getting seriously injured.

Oh, my God.

I should probably wheel
you back to your desk.

CARLENE: That is a great idea.
Wheel you off a bridge.

[LAUGHING] I'm kidding.

GINA: ♪ Oh, you're alone ♪

♪ Uh-oh, you're alone for life ♪

PERALTA: So, here are my options.

One, I process Podolski's kid,

he fires me, and I spend
the rest of my career

as a Detective third grade,
which is literally pathetic.

No offense, Hitchcock. None taken.

Option two, I let him walk
and I spend the rest of my life

with Holt as my babysitter.

And honestly, when I think about

spending the rest of
my life with a babysitter,

she's kind of a cute blonde named Erica.

And she always has pizza money
and lets me stay up as late as I want.

How old are you in this scenario?

Anyway, the point is,
Holt cares more about

whether I "do my job right"
than whether I have a job at all.

So, I'm taking suggestions.

I say piss off Holt.

So we get to watch your
career end right in front of us.

Okay. Thank you for that, Santiago.

I'm going to put you
down for, "Don't arrest."

And I'm also going to put your
phone number on every urinal in Rikers.

Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard.

With a phone book on a body part no
one can see. You know what I'm saying?

So, you're suggesting police brutality?

[LAUGHING] I guess so, yeah. Why?

Hey, Scully.

Yeah. You want this collar?

Paperwork's all done and it's perfect.

The Podolski kid? Are you kidding?

I just gave him my lunch.

Okay.

Boyle, what do you think?

I don't know, man. I'm lost.

The universe is a
cruel and vexing puzzle.

I'm at the whim of the cosmos.

All right, I'm going to put
you down for, "Bummer."

And you can hang out in
that category all by yourself.

GINA: Hey, everyone.

Hey, Jake.
There's a very sexy, angry official here.

Deputy Commissioner Podolski.
He's asking for you.

Very angry, elderly, sexy, furious.

Well, my career is over.

See you at the bottom, Hitchcock.
No offense.

No, none taken.

Deputy Commissioner.

Where's my son?

He is at my desk,

enjoying a nice glass of bubbly water

and some chocolate I was
saving for a special occasion.

Hey, Peralta. When you're done,

could you help me wrap up this
massive cocaine bust I just pulled off?

Thanks.

Oh, Deputy Commissioner,

didn't see you there.

Sorry for interrupting.

-Amy Santiago.
-[SIGHING]

Trevor.

What did you do this time? Nothing.

There you have it.
He said he did nothing.

So I caught him
red-handed, doing nothing?

I'm saying maybe it's a
possibility you made a mistake.

You know, normally, I
would agree with you,

but I've been pretty
detail-oriented the last few hours.

You might not understand
this, but Trevor is a special kid.

He makes straight As.
He's going to Duke next year.

Lacrosse scholarship.

Oh. Sometimes, boys

just need to be boys.

You do realize

he did thousands of dollars'
worth of property damage, though.

To police vehicles…
Look, I think we can all agree

that I'm ordering you to let this slide.

Because nothing happened.

This is officially out of your hands.

Would you actually mind
just checking out my report?

It's pretty thorough, and I
spent over an hour on fonts.

Kind of snazzy. So…

Oh, thank you. I'll get right to it.

Thanks. Trevor, let's go.

Have a good one.

Yes.

What's up with the chair?

Um, Carlene predicted
if I get out of this chair,

I'd get badly hurt.
So, I'm not chancing it.

Oh, man, there's no
more pudding cups left.

Ah! What did you do that for?

There. Now, you're hurt in this chair.

You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle.

And if you do,

it won't be because some
shoe salesman predicted it.

You make your own destiny.

Well, we don't have to worry
about Podolski's son anymore.

The case is officially out of
my hands, no charges filed.

Why is there yogurt on this?

The Deputy Commissioner
threw my report in Terry's trash can,

and he had been eating yogurt earlier.

Terry loves yogurt.

Something wrong? Kind of, yeah.

I called six precincts about this kid.

He's been brought in a dozen times.

Theft, vandalism, drunk and disorderly.

But he's never been processed.

His daddy comes in and
bails him out every time.

He's a lucky little jerk.

No, I wouldn't say he was lucky.

I feel bad for this kid.

I mean, what kind of father

cares so little for his son that he
lets him get away with everything?

Well, he's someone else's
problem now, like you said.

It's out of your hands.

All right. I see what you're trying
to do, but it's not going to work.

I'm not going to arrest him.
I'm going to arrest him!

You want backup? Yes.

[SIREN WAILING]

What is this? You can't do this.

Get that thing out of here.

Excuse me, sir.

Trevor Podolski,

you're under arrest for vandalism
and destruction of property.

But Dad… What are you doing?

I told you to back off, Peralta.

First off, the name's Santiago.

Detective Amy Santiago.

Second, I'm arresting your son.

Which, as I say it aloud,

seems like an unwise choice.

But it's the one I'm making.

Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.

You're being stupid, Peralta.
Don't be stupid.

I can make your life miserable.

Commissioner, please don't
talk to my detective in that tone.

If you have a complaint,
you can take it up with me.

You just made yourself a
very powerful enemy, Holt.

I'm going to be watching
you, both of you, like a hawk.

You're going to have to try a
little harder if you want to scare me.

I've been an openly gay cop since 1987.

So, you're not the first
superior officer to threaten me.

You know how I'm still standing here?

Because I do my job.

And I do it right.

Damn, son!

Don't say "son." Sorry.

PERALTA: Deputy
Commissioner, if you want to

pick Trevor up, he'll
be at the Nine-Nine.

Let's go, Fartman.

Carlene was wrong, Gina.

Rosa said it herself.

I'm in charge of my own destiny.

That means she wants me to make a move.

Mmm, but Carlene was also right.

You did get hurt because
Rosa punched you.

And the fact that Rosa punched
you means she does not like you.

No.
No, she punched me to prove Carlene wrong.

DIAZ: Move!

Oh, wait, I take it back.

She definitely is into you.

So much chemistry.

I know. It's crazy.

All right, let's get
this meeting started.

PERALTA: I'm not late. I'm here.

[ALARM BEEPING]

Right on time.

You're out of uniform, Peralta.

Baby steps, Captain.

Baby steps.